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Happy Holidays
Posted 5 years agoI’ve been away and busy with adult life.
2019 has seen a lot of stuff happen. Most notable of personal events have included my health declining with an alarming emergence of multiple tumor-like growths, as well as the decline and eventual passing of my maternal grandfather whom I cherish. This blow has led to my increasing solitude and isolation.
It is a small miracle that I have done any artwork this year.
However, we are nearing the approach of a new year and I know that I am really messed up, but trying to find any optimistic thread in my being to hold up and greet the new year with. It is just difficult when you are aware that you are about to lose some more people that you care for and inspire you to try and be human.
My maternal grandfather was the voice of sanity. He reminded me that one of the only ways you can survive the crushing responsibility and dreariness of adult life was to save some time to embrace your inner child and let it out every so often. He was the only one who would watch Saturday morning cartoons with me, laugh at whatever stunts were being pulled, and would rather watch the new Disney movies than the major blockbusters. I miss him a lot.
It has been a very depressing, stressful holiday season this year, but I wish you all a better new year.
2019 has seen a lot of stuff happen. Most notable of personal events have included my health declining with an alarming emergence of multiple tumor-like growths, as well as the decline and eventual passing of my maternal grandfather whom I cherish. This blow has led to my increasing solitude and isolation.
It is a small miracle that I have done any artwork this year.
However, we are nearing the approach of a new year and I know that I am really messed up, but trying to find any optimistic thread in my being to hold up and greet the new year with. It is just difficult when you are aware that you are about to lose some more people that you care for and inspire you to try and be human.
My maternal grandfather was the voice of sanity. He reminded me that one of the only ways you can survive the crushing responsibility and dreariness of adult life was to save some time to embrace your inner child and let it out every so often. He was the only one who would watch Saturday morning cartoons with me, laugh at whatever stunts were being pulled, and would rather watch the new Disney movies than the major blockbusters. I miss him a lot.
It has been a very depressing, stressful holiday season this year, but I wish you all a better new year.
Costume, maybe?
Posted 7 years agoSoooooooo... I was an Texas Furry Fiesta (TFF) last weekend and had pushed and pushed to try and get as much as I could get done on a pair of articulating wings. Yes. I made myself my dragon's wings. Those pretty sunset colored primaries are present and articulate fantastically. However, I have gotten a hold of black feathers and ran out along the way in trying to complete them, so I was wearing incomplete wings to the con.
Outside of this, I commissioned a sketch, bid on some art, bought some art and visited Dream Visions Creation's booth and picked up some stuff to make a mask. No full fursuit, plzkthx. I just want to try the mask first. :x
Outside of this, I commissioned a sketch, bid on some art, bought some art and visited Dream Visions Creation's booth and picked up some stuff to make a mask. No full fursuit, plzkthx. I just want to try the mask first. :x
Find me!
Posted 7 years agoTada!
I am starting to get rolling with my creative side again. I have received questions about doing sketches for monies, but I am not quite in the commissioning mood. Especially since I don’t have much setup to collect payments.
I did create a Patreon account though. You can find it here:
https://www.patreon.com/LakotaPhoenix
I have been on DeviantArt since 2005, so you can see some old, some new...
https://lakota-phoenix.deviantart.com
Of course, you can fin me at FurAffinity at:
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/lakotaphoenix/
I have to work at updating my PayPal, but I will get around to it so you have that as a payment option.
Follow/watch/etc!
Also note that my server on Discord is called “Dragons of Origin” and can be found publicly, if you search for it.
I am starting to get rolling with my creative side again. I have received questions about doing sketches for monies, but I am not quite in the commissioning mood. Especially since I don’t have much setup to collect payments.
I did create a Patreon account though. You can find it here:
https://www.patreon.com/LakotaPhoenix
I have been on DeviantArt since 2005, so you can see some old, some new...
https://lakota-phoenix.deviantart.com
Of course, you can fin me at FurAffinity at:
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/lakotaphoenix/
I have to work at updating my PayPal, but I will get around to it so you have that as a payment option.
Follow/watch/etc!
Also note that my server on Discord is called “Dragons of Origin” and can be found publicly, if you search for it.
A Small Moment of Happiness
Posted 7 years agoA few friends joined my server. One of them being an old friend and another being new.
It was being able to talk to those old friends and seeing them interract each other again that gave me fuzzy feelings. It was warm and made me glassy-eyed. For a bit, I felt a little like my normal self.
We have all changed, but it made me reminisce.
It was a small bit of happiness to reunite with another member of the old deOrtus group. I experienced some relief from the tightening of my chest as I slowly ease back into being just me. Unguarded and all.
Edit: My dog’s ESA letter arrived today :)
It was being able to talk to those old friends and seeing them interract each other again that gave me fuzzy feelings. It was warm and made me glassy-eyed. For a bit, I felt a little like my normal self.
We have all changed, but it made me reminisce.
It was a small bit of happiness to reunite with another member of the old deOrtus group. I experienced some relief from the tightening of my chest as I slowly ease back into being just me. Unguarded and all.
Edit: My dog’s ESA letter arrived today :)
Maybe Tomorrow
Posted 7 years agoPerhaps tomorrow I will feel like doing something.
One Day at a Time
Posted 7 years agoYou can only tackle one day at a time and only through doing one thing at a time...
My day started around 6:26am, when I realized that none of my alarms had gone off. I rushed to get clothed and went downstairs to clock in on my work laptop at 6:36am. I started reading emails a little later to find two emails chewing me out about how I emailed the team the day before about incomplete work being sent out to the customers. Fantastic.
I got stuck on reading the comment "this does not look like the Kota I know" in one of the emails.
Yea.... no shit.
'You are used to the Kota who works hard to make everyone happy, even though she is not, but smiles like an idiot anyway and gets the job done,' is the thought that runs through my mind.
In this world, no one really cares to know what is going on with any other person. They only care when it impacts them. It is that whole monkeysphere business. For those that do not know, I am referring to the concept known as Dunbar's Number and for most people, I am either on the edge or outside of their sphere. I am distant, inconsequential, replaceable.
If I quit my job today and went on an extended vacation, I doubt anyone would question my actions. They may even praise me for taking some time for myself. Saying things like, "it is good she is getting away from it all for a little while," and "She could use the vacation." So I could very easily vanish off the maps with no one asking where I am, how I am doing, and having them be very surprised and fake upset when it is a body that surfaces weeks or months down the line.
I digress...
I make my apologies in a team email and repeat attaching documentation along with links to where to find information so others might do their job more properly and continue my day. Is it upsetting to apologize for reminding people to do what they should have been doing all along and get paid to do? Yes, but I have my job to do too.
I answer phones, help people, joke with them to hide the frustration, anger and depression.
Yes, depression.
I try distracting myself by logging into Discord and doing a little bit of roleplay on the side, in between calls, and try to catch up. I draw a little bit. I answer more phones and try to smile, even though they can't see me, just because I have been told you should do so and fake it the best you can while on the phone.
I hit a wall with my drawing and can't go any further. No one is responding to messages. Roleplay is not moving. No distractions...
I set my phone to break and step outside for some fresh air and sunshine, while my mind circles around how upset I am with the situation in general. I have not had a word of genuine kindness in days.
I wonder if my cellphone's ringer is on. If I get a call for an interview, I don;t want to miss it. I check it and unmute it.
Going back inside, I handle a few more work calls and try sketching a little more again. I contact both the person I was working on a the sketch for and the next person in line. Maybe I can get their's started today, but no response. 'They are at work or asleep,' is the excuse I make for them. I check the roleplay again, but no one seems to be enthusiastic about any of it, thus my interest wanes further.
Lunch break comes along. I am not hungry. I clock out for the break and find myself just disappointed with everything. No interview calls. Not even a spam call. No roleplay. No progress on art. I go outside to walk around and tear up, but I can't quite cry. Thus I return indoors, I clock back in to work and just sit.
...and sit.
I send messages to the people I was doing art for to text me for I think I am done with Discord for now. It has been uncomfortable since my ex joined and discussions have bordered on hostility, but I stuck around for the roleplay. No roleplay to be had though. Not enough interest from anyone in anything but erp, which I won't do. Can't do.
No one on the server seems to understand why I can't.
Since it is so uncomfortable and unwelcoming, I logout. I move to the couch and slump over on it and tear up, The work phone rings and I let it rollover. I can't move... I am too drained. I have a hard time finding motivation to do anything, least of all move out of the damp spot on the couch where tears have soaked in.
Some time passes...
I find enough energy to wipe the eyes and collect the work laptop to relocate to upstairs... to my space... to bed. I queue up the work phone again, answer a call, do a little more with work and ponder how much longer can I do this.
How much longer can I deal with the pain of existing?
The days are a blur and yet the only thing I feel or know is the sadness, the depression, and the desire to let it all go.... I want to disappear.
My day started around 6:26am, when I realized that none of my alarms had gone off. I rushed to get clothed and went downstairs to clock in on my work laptop at 6:36am. I started reading emails a little later to find two emails chewing me out about how I emailed the team the day before about incomplete work being sent out to the customers. Fantastic.
I got stuck on reading the comment "this does not look like the Kota I know" in one of the emails.
Yea.... no shit.
'You are used to the Kota who works hard to make everyone happy, even though she is not, but smiles like an idiot anyway and gets the job done,' is the thought that runs through my mind.
In this world, no one really cares to know what is going on with any other person. They only care when it impacts them. It is that whole monkeysphere business. For those that do not know, I am referring to the concept known as Dunbar's Number and for most people, I am either on the edge or outside of their sphere. I am distant, inconsequential, replaceable.
If I quit my job today and went on an extended vacation, I doubt anyone would question my actions. They may even praise me for taking some time for myself. Saying things like, "it is good she is getting away from it all for a little while," and "She could use the vacation." So I could very easily vanish off the maps with no one asking where I am, how I am doing, and having them be very surprised and fake upset when it is a body that surfaces weeks or months down the line.
I digress...
I make my apologies in a team email and repeat attaching documentation along with links to where to find information so others might do their job more properly and continue my day. Is it upsetting to apologize for reminding people to do what they should have been doing all along and get paid to do? Yes, but I have my job to do too.
I answer phones, help people, joke with them to hide the frustration, anger and depression.
Yes, depression.
I try distracting myself by logging into Discord and doing a little bit of roleplay on the side, in between calls, and try to catch up. I draw a little bit. I answer more phones and try to smile, even though they can't see me, just because I have been told you should do so and fake it the best you can while on the phone.
I hit a wall with my drawing and can't go any further. No one is responding to messages. Roleplay is not moving. No distractions...
I set my phone to break and step outside for some fresh air and sunshine, while my mind circles around how upset I am with the situation in general. I have not had a word of genuine kindness in days.
I wonder if my cellphone's ringer is on. If I get a call for an interview, I don;t want to miss it. I check it and unmute it.
Going back inside, I handle a few more work calls and try sketching a little more again. I contact both the person I was working on a the sketch for and the next person in line. Maybe I can get their's started today, but no response. 'They are at work or asleep,' is the excuse I make for them. I check the roleplay again, but no one seems to be enthusiastic about any of it, thus my interest wanes further.
Lunch break comes along. I am not hungry. I clock out for the break and find myself just disappointed with everything. No interview calls. Not even a spam call. No roleplay. No progress on art. I go outside to walk around and tear up, but I can't quite cry. Thus I return indoors, I clock back in to work and just sit.
...and sit.
I send messages to the people I was doing art for to text me for I think I am done with Discord for now. It has been uncomfortable since my ex joined and discussions have bordered on hostility, but I stuck around for the roleplay. No roleplay to be had though. Not enough interest from anyone in anything but erp, which I won't do. Can't do.
No one on the server seems to understand why I can't.
Since it is so uncomfortable and unwelcoming, I logout. I move to the couch and slump over on it and tear up, The work phone rings and I let it rollover. I can't move... I am too drained. I have a hard time finding motivation to do anything, least of all move out of the damp spot on the couch where tears have soaked in.
Some time passes...
I find enough energy to wipe the eyes and collect the work laptop to relocate to upstairs... to my space... to bed. I queue up the work phone again, answer a call, do a little more with work and ponder how much longer can I do this.
How much longer can I deal with the pain of existing?
The days are a blur and yet the only thing I feel or know is the sadness, the depression, and the desire to let it all go.... I want to disappear.
Emotionally Retarded
Posted 7 years agoMy mother and I share a lot of common traits. Being emotionally retarded is apparently one of those we share.
Emotional Retardation is described in a number of ways.
1. You either possess an inability or refusal to express, detect, or react to emotions, in either oneself or in others.
2. You can only detect or respond to the extremes of emotions and fail to detect the subtle grey areas in between.
3. You make a conscious effort to deny emotions altogether.
Honestly, I think everyone has been emotionally retarded at some point and still are to some degree. It is something that frustrates others and hinders communication. It also can cause fear and anxiety, especially in the third option there. For you never really know how the other party is feeling and just how upset, hurt and angry they may be.
I wonder who else falls in the category of being emotionally retarded more than not.
Emotional Retardation is described in a number of ways.
1. You either possess an inability or refusal to express, detect, or react to emotions, in either oneself or in others.
2. You can only detect or respond to the extremes of emotions and fail to detect the subtle grey areas in between.
3. You make a conscious effort to deny emotions altogether.
Honestly, I think everyone has been emotionally retarded at some point and still are to some degree. It is something that frustrates others and hinders communication. It also can cause fear and anxiety, especially in the third option there. For you never really know how the other party is feeling and just how upset, hurt and angry they may be.
I wonder who else falls in the category of being emotionally retarded more than not.
Rambling Thpughts in the Ealr Morning Hours
Posted 8 years agoThe world produces more information and data that it is capable of digesting in a lifetime. Thus, I post with some sense of certanty that this will not be read with any real consequences.
My legal first name is Sonya, although I go by my middle name Lakota or the shortened version, Kota, both online and professionally. I have been described as intelligent, creative, intimidating, and resilient. I have also been described as nervous, anxious, depressed and distant.
I am currently sick and want nothing but to be comforted, and have curled up to my mate’s backside during the night, knowing that he will not comfort me. It is knowledge that is both painful and strangely reassuring. At this point, I reminisce to Thanksgiving this year, when my parents came to visit. I remember how they were concerned and plainly told me that I was being used and that they would remove me from the situation if I asked.
Now, I find the thought kind of amusing and depressing.
Here I am curled up next to someone who will never show me affection or love in any way, and will rarely show me kindness. Yet I think the world of them and do not want to part from them. When did this become normal? When did toxic relationships become comfortable to me?
This had me thinking of my childhood or what sufficed as a childhood. Then the possibility of an answer occurs. Perhaps it is normal and comforting to me because of the history of neglect and negativity that I grew up with. With this line of thought, we can understand my attention seeking habits, need for approval, and clinginess when someone shows kindness, even when it is empty kindness.
I cannot tell the difference between kindness, caring or love, afterall.
So I have developed fond feelings for those who have shown me kindness, even empty, polite kindness. It is no wonder how many times I have misunderstood and fallen prey to those who would use me. Thus toxic relationships become my norm and I shirk off chances at being happy, because being happy is not my norm. Being neglected and abused is.
Stepping back from these thoughts for a moment, I cannot help but feel self-pity. It is a vicious cycle and I cannot help but think this is what I deserve. Afterall, if this truly is my norm, then what point is there in resisting, escaping, and trying to be happy, when I will only end up returning to this norm, by self-sabotage or worse. Additionally, to bring someone else down into such a state... that would be unkind and unfair to them.
In the end, should I just be alone? Misery likes company, but can I stand to be miserable on my own? Can I really let go?
My legal first name is Sonya, although I go by my middle name Lakota or the shortened version, Kota, both online and professionally. I have been described as intelligent, creative, intimidating, and resilient. I have also been described as nervous, anxious, depressed and distant.
I am currently sick and want nothing but to be comforted, and have curled up to my mate’s backside during the night, knowing that he will not comfort me. It is knowledge that is both painful and strangely reassuring. At this point, I reminisce to Thanksgiving this year, when my parents came to visit. I remember how they were concerned and plainly told me that I was being used and that they would remove me from the situation if I asked.
Now, I find the thought kind of amusing and depressing.
Here I am curled up next to someone who will never show me affection or love in any way, and will rarely show me kindness. Yet I think the world of them and do not want to part from them. When did this become normal? When did toxic relationships become comfortable to me?
This had me thinking of my childhood or what sufficed as a childhood. Then the possibility of an answer occurs. Perhaps it is normal and comforting to me because of the history of neglect and negativity that I grew up with. With this line of thought, we can understand my attention seeking habits, need for approval, and clinginess when someone shows kindness, even when it is empty kindness.
I cannot tell the difference between kindness, caring or love, afterall.
So I have developed fond feelings for those who have shown me kindness, even empty, polite kindness. It is no wonder how many times I have misunderstood and fallen prey to those who would use me. Thus toxic relationships become my norm and I shirk off chances at being happy, because being happy is not my norm. Being neglected and abused is.
Stepping back from these thoughts for a moment, I cannot help but feel self-pity. It is a vicious cycle and I cannot help but think this is what I deserve. Afterall, if this truly is my norm, then what point is there in resisting, escaping, and trying to be happy, when I will only end up returning to this norm, by self-sabotage or worse. Additionally, to bring someone else down into such a state... that would be unkind and unfair to them.
In the end, should I just be alone? Misery likes company, but can I stand to be miserable on my own? Can I really let go?
RP on Discord
Posted 8 years agoIn a previous post, I said that I can be found on Discord. This is more true now as I have my own server, but I am also very active in a dragon medieval roleplay (DnD, but everyone is a dragon) on a server named "The dragon realm".
My server being mostly just a place to chill, a friendly copied some of the stuff in my "Dragons of Origin" server to implement into their "Dragons of War" server. They have been more wildly successful in promoting their server on Reddit, etc, and it is quite active.
Anyways, if you find me and are insterested, just ask or join my server to get links from the owners of the other two servers (the one I RP in and the very active Dragons of War).
My server being mostly just a place to chill, a friendly copied some of the stuff in my "Dragons of Origin" server to implement into their "Dragons of War" server. They have been more wildly successful in promoting their server on Reddit, etc, and it is quite active.
Anyways, if you find me and are insterested, just ask or join my server to get links from the owners of the other two servers (the one I RP in and the very active Dragons of War).
Discord
Posted 8 years agoI can be found on Discord of late.
I even went through the trouble of setting up a server, though I doubt it will get much use. As it is, I would like to have chat and roleplay in there, but so far, I have just been playing with the bots I invited.
https://discord.gg/YjpwvJr
That's where I can be found.
I even went through the trouble of setting up a server, though I doubt it will get much use. As it is, I would like to have chat and roleplay in there, but so far, I have just been playing with the bots I invited.
https://discord.gg/YjpwvJr
That's where I can be found.
Here? Not Really.
Posted 9 years agoI'm sorry to say that I have hit a wall and have not been able to draw for the last several months. Life has settled down a great deal for me, which is a fortunate thing. However, there is the side effect of with things becoming peaceful, I feel no need to try to express myself through art either.
Why linger any longer?
Posted 10 years agoI don't know what sucks more. The fact that I'm sporting scrapes and bruises on my arm and leg. The wracking couch I have from being sick. Or the depression of a bruised and broken heart.
For those that don't know, I am to be laid off this month. I'm legally bankrupt. I have been sick in more than one way for months. Physical illness and mental illness has had its hold on me. Everytime I have hoped or dreamed of change for the better, it has been crushed or fallen apart rapidly afterwards. I have had my heart broken over and over again by the one individual I had invested so much in.
I don't know why I linger.
Why do I hold on to life, when there hasn't been a sincere ray of hope. Why do I linger when I have lost so much.
For those that don't know, I am to be laid off this month. I'm legally bankrupt. I have been sick in more than one way for months. Physical illness and mental illness has had its hold on me. Everytime I have hoped or dreamed of change for the better, it has been crushed or fallen apart rapidly afterwards. I have had my heart broken over and over again by the one individual I had invested so much in.
I don't know why I linger.
Why do I hold on to life, when there hasn't been a sincere ray of hope. Why do I linger when I have lost so much.
Sorry
Posted 10 years agoI'm sorry. I am just too hurt.
