honestly i know no ones gonna read these but me, but its sometimes good to get things off my chest. if i had a gun right now, i would have killed myself a decade ago. my first attempt was when i was 7, 7 for fucks sake. the only reason i haent tried in recent years is that i know if i try one more time i'll succeed. i now have the knowledge to kill myself, i can do it no problem. so im trying to hold back and not do it because i still have the slighest bit of hope for the future, but its running thin. at this point i almost dont care how good the future is, i just want my current pain to be over.

yippee im still here, of all the fucking places for me to write a suicide note, Fur affinity? really? and if its not blairingly obvious i haven't killed myself yet, unfortunately. ive been far too busy, and just havent had the energy to even kill myself. its still been living hell trying not to commit but somehow i havent gone all the way yet. ive gotten a hundred times more depressed as well as thousands of times more exhausted. every waking moment of my life is me thinking about dying, hell i even get off to the idea of dying. but for some reason i just cant do it. no matter how much i want to, maybe its because im afraid of what comes after, or that i might just be dissapointed in what its llike. i don't really know.

im almost over the edge, things have been going so much worse lately for me. including my dog being put down, this is a dog who is 4 years older than me. one that i have know for all my life. i cant even begin to express how much i hate this, this has ramped up my depression by 500%. and to be honest, i've been begging god to kill me so i don't have to do it myself for weeks now, but i know it wont work. and thats the edge i was talking about. im nearly to the point of commiting. i have been incapable of experiencing anything other than anger and joy lately, normally that would be good, but ive still been depressed, just unable to express it. this has been causing it to build up within me for months. the first time i cried a single tear in weeks was when earlier this night i sat down with my dog for what could possibly be the last time.
im feeling loss, pain, anger and sadness all at once, and i don't know if i can handle it. im just incapable of expressing this very well.
several times i've held an airsoft gun to my head, wishing it was the real thing so that i could just end it already. i was hoping to maybe postpone trying until i had finished the car ive been working on so that i could say i've made a single acomplishment in life, but i may not even be able to do that.
i just want it to end, i wish i had never been sentenced to live. i wish i could just undo my whole life, and maybe even just never have been conceived. my mother had a miscairage before i was born, and i feel as if that kid would have been better off in this world than i am. they deserved it more than me. if they had been born, i wouldn't be here today, but i feel like that would be for the best.
i know there are people who love me, but that doesn't change anything. this might be the last post i ever make on here, or anywhere.
but first, i think i may just draw my dog, so he can be immortalized on the internet forever. he deserves it.
and i very well know no one will ever read this, no one even really knows i exist on here. and im fine with that.
and if you have read this, Hi, im Lars Pedersen, theres nothing special about me, and nothing notable. im just a depressed teen who most likely killed himself. this may be goodbye.

i have still been procrastinating even without doing anything else, i've legit been sitting here for an hour not doing anything.
















































sometimes i wish i could just blow my brains out without hurting those who love me

hello there, since i imagine future me is reading this (if i make it that far,) im going to give a run down of what has happened today, so far i woke up at 4 am and was up for a few hours after that being overwhelmed by my depression, i managed to fall asleep for a minute (3 hours) where i then woke up to realize that i havent done pretty much any work for school and im about to fail all of my classes. this sent me into a depression heavy anxiety attack where i was wishing for nothing but a slow painful death, the reason im so behind is because of my procrastonation. ive been meaning to all my work for the past few days but i never get around to it. this has all been my fault and i knew what i was doing when i was procrastonating, right now in fact im procrastonating my work by writing this, and i know i shouldnt but im still doing it anyway, i don't know why. ive been wanting to have a mental breakdown all day to see if i could just get it all out of me but im for some reason not able to, ive been stuck like this for several hours without much change in emotion. never before have i wanted to die so much, (except maybe last november) im just feeling so lost right now and i really just wish it would all be over soon. i really hope our life is better by the time you read this and that i havent fucked it up by now.
there's so much more i would like to say but i don't want to type for hours. i might just keep adding journals to future me telling me about the my day from now on, idk tho.