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Help me Out Here! *URGENT!*
Posted 11 years agoI hate for this to be my first post in a while but there's few things I know that work better than furries rallying behind a cause. Here we go. Pass this on if you cannot donate. This is my parents' house we're talking about here.
http://www.gofundme.com/dlqf80
http://www.gofundme.com/dlqf80
Passing the word along
Posted 13 years agoOne of my favorite artists has requested that word be passed on, so here it is. By stuff from this artist! DO IT NOW!!!
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3639867/
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3639867/
Pinecones and Ponderings
Posted 13 years agoSo, the sign of the times is that so many "good people" are having horrendous things happen to them. There are those who would say that this sort of thing occurs everywhere. Here's what I say (and this is a pearl of wisdom):
NEVER PRAY FOR AN INTERESTING LIFE.
You will never be bored, I promise. You will also have years between peace and bounty. Perhaps this is just the cynic in me. I truly want to believe that there is a grander plan through all this and all of this will end on a high note. Another part of me tells me to stop kidding myself.
I want to purge all the toxicity from my life. I've already gone through some of my clothes and am giving away what I don't wear and trashing what I've been saving for "spare fabric". Unless I use it in the next week, there is no point in holding on to it for hobby purposes. I am also making changes of the heart. I'm trying to swear less, follow through more, and set aside time for religious devotions every day. This also prvides for my "me" time. Cutting out toxicity has had some stark effects as well.
A forest fire is what many would call a tragedy. It does indeed cause a great deal of destruction. Here's a quick "did you know": A pine cone contains enough seeds to start a small grove. These seeds are only released after the pine cone experiences extreme heat and the water in the cone turns to stem, forcing the protective sheathing open and the seeds to become available to the general ecosystem. I've always thought of this as a marvelous parallel for coming-of-age. to borrow from Mr. Whedon- you have to walk through the fire and let it burn.
I promise, only the good stuff survives. Problem with being human: we gather effluvia after a while.
Frickin' pine trees have it easy.
NEVER PRAY FOR AN INTERESTING LIFE.
You will never be bored, I promise. You will also have years between peace and bounty. Perhaps this is just the cynic in me. I truly want to believe that there is a grander plan through all this and all of this will end on a high note. Another part of me tells me to stop kidding myself.
I want to purge all the toxicity from my life. I've already gone through some of my clothes and am giving away what I don't wear and trashing what I've been saving for "spare fabric". Unless I use it in the next week, there is no point in holding on to it for hobby purposes. I am also making changes of the heart. I'm trying to swear less, follow through more, and set aside time for religious devotions every day. This also prvides for my "me" time. Cutting out toxicity has had some stark effects as well.
A forest fire is what many would call a tragedy. It does indeed cause a great deal of destruction. Here's a quick "did you know": A pine cone contains enough seeds to start a small grove. These seeds are only released after the pine cone experiences extreme heat and the water in the cone turns to stem, forcing the protective sheathing open and the seeds to become available to the general ecosystem. I've always thought of this as a marvelous parallel for coming-of-age. to borrow from Mr. Whedon- you have to walk through the fire and let it burn.
I promise, only the good stuff survives. Problem with being human: we gather effluvia after a while.
Frickin' pine trees have it easy.
With No Money Comes Great Responsibility
Posted 13 years agoSo, time for a quick update on how the Lenka's life is going.
Not well in a really unremarkable way. That's the short version. This is both a long time coming and a hell of a blow that I didn't expect.
April 1st- Lin, Baz and I were evicted from the apartment we were staying in via text message (not a legal form of eviction but we didn't have the money or lack of honor to challenge this).
April 10th- We left the apartment better than we had gotten it. To this day, I still wish I had alloted more time to get more done in that place. It had a new tenant within a week of us leaving. We went to my parents' house. Not the best situation but at least we had my dad's unemployment, right?
April 12th- I was informed that my father's unemployment benefits (ha! There's a misnomer if ever there was one) would end and my mother and I would be responsible for providing a home for six adults, total. My mom and I both work part time. Me because of health and she because she's also a full-time student.
May 6th- I was given notice that I would need to find another source of income. (I am not looking forward to doing the multiple part-time job grind again. It's looking like I'm going to have to have at least two jobs to make a contribution to the house payment and bills. This will also cut my health down to that "half-drunk, always exhausted and coughing/sniffling" state I spent most of my college career and last October in.)
The upswing to all of this:
Come mid-July, Lin and Baz will be house-sitting for three years in Bazil's parents' house. They will pay utilities only. Rent will not be required.
Lin got her paid slavery position back at the local sandwich hell. It's not money I feel I can count on but if she feels led to volunteer it, I will not say no.
My mom made it into Nursing School at her first try. This is apparently unheard of in this program. She sits for her CNA cert in December. This should lead to her getting a better job.
Dad has been filling out at least two applications per day (I've seen as many as seven some days) for the past year and and a half. There have been series of first and second interviews but no offers as of yet. A number of people with whom he worked at his last job had offered immediate employment at the time. ALL of them found their hands tied when Dad approached them for ANY work. It's frightening that a man as intelligent and dedicated as my father is repeatedly denied employment, even when he offers to work for less than standard wage in his industry (which ranges from $13-22/hr). That aside, he has discovered a passion for coloring line-drawings. Any artists out there need color work done? He's VERY good!
Another upswing is that I've been able to pick up ceramics again. I've made a number of pieces that I need to get photos of and up on here. Lin and I had an offer to sell them but were politely told that our work had "promise" and that it was "a pity the folk art movement had ended". Shit. More standardized, boring shit coming up, Massa Consumer! I'll leave the bacon off the salat, too. >_< (That was for you, Yugo.)
So, shit happens. The situation is harsh but not yet dire. I am yet again a 20-something with the responsibilities of a fifty-something.
I'm getting sick of having to man up because I'm the only one who can and then being told I'm a loser with no ambition because I have no degree and I'm working my ass off. Ambition? I have plenty. I also have at least four other people who depend on me. Kiss my ass, retired military officer's home-business-owning wife. Tell me about what suffering is when you have to decide between buying bargain feminine products that don't work as well as sandpaper and food for your family.
Something has to give. I just really hope that something isn't me.
Leave? I can't afford to. I have others to provide for. I have responsibilities to my family and to those my family has chosen to shelter.
I truly resent that "contribution to the household" is strictly voluntary. One of our house mates just spent on Chinese food what would feed the six of us for two days, at least. I wanted to scream. I also understood Yugo a lot better. Some people really DO need a high five. In the FACE. With a CHAIR.
This is Lenka, your ranting neko-wuff and that's all I have to say about that.
Not well in a really unremarkable way. That's the short version. This is both a long time coming and a hell of a blow that I didn't expect.
April 1st- Lin, Baz and I were evicted from the apartment we were staying in via text message (not a legal form of eviction but we didn't have the money or lack of honor to challenge this).
April 10th- We left the apartment better than we had gotten it. To this day, I still wish I had alloted more time to get more done in that place. It had a new tenant within a week of us leaving. We went to my parents' house. Not the best situation but at least we had my dad's unemployment, right?
April 12th- I was informed that my father's unemployment benefits (ha! There's a misnomer if ever there was one) would end and my mother and I would be responsible for providing a home for six adults, total. My mom and I both work part time. Me because of health and she because she's also a full-time student.
May 6th- I was given notice that I would need to find another source of income. (I am not looking forward to doing the multiple part-time job grind again. It's looking like I'm going to have to have at least two jobs to make a contribution to the house payment and bills. This will also cut my health down to that "half-drunk, always exhausted and coughing/sniffling" state I spent most of my college career and last October in.)
The upswing to all of this:
Come mid-July, Lin and Baz will be house-sitting for three years in Bazil's parents' house. They will pay utilities only. Rent will not be required.
Lin got her paid slavery position back at the local sandwich hell. It's not money I feel I can count on but if she feels led to volunteer it, I will not say no.
My mom made it into Nursing School at her first try. This is apparently unheard of in this program. She sits for her CNA cert in December. This should lead to her getting a better job.
Dad has been filling out at least two applications per day (I've seen as many as seven some days) for the past year and and a half. There have been series of first and second interviews but no offers as of yet. A number of people with whom he worked at his last job had offered immediate employment at the time. ALL of them found their hands tied when Dad approached them for ANY work. It's frightening that a man as intelligent and dedicated as my father is repeatedly denied employment, even when he offers to work for less than standard wage in his industry (which ranges from $13-22/hr). That aside, he has discovered a passion for coloring line-drawings. Any artists out there need color work done? He's VERY good!
Another upswing is that I've been able to pick up ceramics again. I've made a number of pieces that I need to get photos of and up on here. Lin and I had an offer to sell them but were politely told that our work had "promise" and that it was "a pity the folk art movement had ended". Shit. More standardized, boring shit coming up, Massa Consumer! I'll leave the bacon off the salat, too. >_< (That was for you, Yugo.)
So, shit happens. The situation is harsh but not yet dire. I am yet again a 20-something with the responsibilities of a fifty-something.
I'm getting sick of having to man up because I'm the only one who can and then being told I'm a loser with no ambition because I have no degree and I'm working my ass off. Ambition? I have plenty. I also have at least four other people who depend on me. Kiss my ass, retired military officer's home-business-owning wife. Tell me about what suffering is when you have to decide between buying bargain feminine products that don't work as well as sandpaper and food for your family.
Something has to give. I just really hope that something isn't me.
Leave? I can't afford to. I have others to provide for. I have responsibilities to my family and to those my family has chosen to shelter.
I truly resent that "contribution to the household" is strictly voluntary. One of our house mates just spent on Chinese food what would feed the six of us for two days, at least. I wanted to scream. I also understood Yugo a lot better. Some people really DO need a high five. In the FACE. With a CHAIR.
This is Lenka, your ranting neko-wuff and that's all I have to say about that.
Not a fool. . .
Posted 13 years agoSo. . .
Shit has hit the fan. From now on, I write without a censor bar. If I want to, I'll cuss like a sailor. I usually won't but I can't make any guarantees.
I woke up to the news that we have ten days (this one included) to get out of the apartment we're currently in. We have someplace to go and we have people pulling for us. I know that it's so like a number of people on this internet to whine and cry about what's going on in their life. I'm not whining so much as telling y'all that while I may stress and attention whore with the best of them, this is legit and being taken care of.
More as I can. Much love and joy to all of you.
Shit has hit the fan. From now on, I write without a censor bar. If I want to, I'll cuss like a sailor. I usually won't but I can't make any guarantees.
I woke up to the news that we have ten days (this one included) to get out of the apartment we're currently in. We have someplace to go and we have people pulling for us. I know that it's so like a number of people on this internet to whine and cry about what's going on in their life. I'm not whining so much as telling y'all that while I may stress and attention whore with the best of them, this is legit and being taken care of.
More as I can. Much love and joy to all of you.
Girl Confessions (Stolen from Necromantic_Writer)
Posted 13 years ago1. Do you sleep in your bra? - No. Not unless I am under the influence of exhaustion.
2. Do you sleep with socks on? - I CAN'T sleep with socks on.
3. Would you rather sleep alone or with someone else? - Depends on my mood.
4. Do you enjoy drama? - Aw HEYULL NO. NO FEEDING THE LLAMAS!!!
5. Are you a girly-girl? - No. Not by any stretch of anyone's delusion.
6. Who was the last person you hugged? Lin.
7. Small or large purse? - Messenger Bag. Screw Purses and their short straps!!!
8. Are you short? Compared to my father, yes. Compared to pretty much everyone else, no.
9. Do you like somebody? - Many somebodies. Which version of "like" are you referring to?
10.Does your Facebook password have to do with a boy? - Sadly, no. It has to do with a fictional man.
11. Do you care if your socks are dirty? - Yes. It's a pet peeve.
12. Do you think you’re conceited? - On certain things.
13. Do you dress up on Halloween? - If I have an occasion to do so. If not, Skyclad. For at least one glass of wine and one cake.
14. Are you double jointed? - In some joints.
15. Where is the weirdest place you have slept? - In a closet.
16. Has anyone touched/smacked your butt in the past 24 hours? - Yep.
17. Is there any type of rumor going around about you? - That I make a hobby of ruining relationships.
18. Do you call anybody by their last name? - Sjach. When I'm pissed at him. And another friend of mine. So yes.
19. How many guys will read this just because it says "Girl Confessions"? - About five. Sadly, most of my watch list is guys.
[X] I do wear make up. (When I feel like it.)
[X] I have cried in a movie theater.
[X] I can put mascara on without opening my mouth.
[X] I get jealous.
[X] I think Johnny Depp is sexy.
[ ] JUDE LAW FAG (I personally think Jude Law is ALSO sexy. )
[X] I love to laugh.
[ ] I like death/grind/black metal.
[X] I like rap.
[X] I like techno.
[X] I like country.
[X] I carry a purse.
[ ] I'd be lost without my computer. (Nope. I have an innate sense of direction.)
[X] I own a Spice Girls CD. (I own two, plus the solo albums of two of them.)
[X] I own a Britney Spears CD. (Greatest Hits.)
[X] I own a boy band CD. (YAY for the 80's!!)
[X] I get bored watching football. (I'd rather be out PLAYING football.)
[X] I've never been called a spoiled brat. (Only child. I get it a LOT.)
[X]Guys are confusing. (SO ARE WOMEN.)
[X] I've been called a bad influence (Funny what being honest gets you.)
[ ] I have/had a piercing other than my ears. (I want one. SO BAD.)
Come on ladies, be truthful!
1. What color is your bra that you're wearing? - None. :P
2. Do you prefer light or dark haired guys? - Dark. Blondes tend to treat me like crap, with three exceptions.
3. Are you currently frustrated with a boy? - YES. But I know that he's also frustrated with me.
4. What's one thing a guy can do to make you like them? - Be real. I catch you in a lie, I mentally eviscerate you.
5. Do you have a best friend? - Yes. I am very lucky.
6. Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery? - Yep. The Italian pasta storage facility is SO last millennium.
7. Has one of your friends ever stolen a boyfriend from you? - Nope. Mostly, they wonder why I'm dating the guy I am.
8. Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on? - Multiple times. Swimsuits are clothes, right?
9. Do you have more friends that are girls or boys? - Neither. I make friends with women and men. More men that I rely on but more women that I can see at a moment's notice.
10. How long have you had a facebook? - Seven years, sadly. 12/31/05 was when I joined.
11. Have you ever slapped a boy in the face? - Slap? Slapping's for little girls that can't throw a punch. That said, yes, yes I have, because I knew if I punched him, I'd shatter his jaw.
12. Do you believe in the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater?" - No. People can change.
13. Have you ever had a good feeling about something? - They come more rarely than the bad feelings, but yes.
14. Do you ever wish you were famous? - Famous? Well, I admit, the celebrity would have an upside, but only if I could do good with it. If I were infamous, I don't think I would enjoy that.
THIS GUY OR THAT GUY? PICK ONE:
Cowboy or Gangster? Gangster. God, I love suits on a man. (Please tell me this is a 30's gangster and not a gang-banger. If we're talking bling, give me a cowboy.)
Preppy or Punk? Punk. Steampunk.
Face or Body? Can't I have both?
Good cook or take you out a lot? Take me out. I cook well enough for the both of us.
Sweet or sexy? Sexy with a sweet side.
Armani or Abercrombie? Armani. PFFT. Come ON!
Contacts or glasses? Glasses. Preferably with an accent.
2. Do you sleep with socks on? - I CAN'T sleep with socks on.
3. Would you rather sleep alone or with someone else? - Depends on my mood.
4. Do you enjoy drama? - Aw HEYULL NO. NO FEEDING THE LLAMAS!!!
5. Are you a girly-girl? - No. Not by any stretch of anyone's delusion.
6. Who was the last person you hugged? Lin.
7. Small or large purse? - Messenger Bag. Screw Purses and their short straps!!!
8. Are you short? Compared to my father, yes. Compared to pretty much everyone else, no.
9. Do you like somebody? - Many somebodies. Which version of "like" are you referring to?
10.Does your Facebook password have to do with a boy? - Sadly, no. It has to do with a fictional man.
11. Do you care if your socks are dirty? - Yes. It's a pet peeve.
12. Do you think you’re conceited? - On certain things.
13. Do you dress up on Halloween? - If I have an occasion to do so. If not, Skyclad. For at least one glass of wine and one cake.
14. Are you double jointed? - In some joints.
15. Where is the weirdest place you have slept? - In a closet.
16. Has anyone touched/smacked your butt in the past 24 hours? - Yep.
17. Is there any type of rumor going around about you? - That I make a hobby of ruining relationships.
18. Do you call anybody by their last name? - Sjach. When I'm pissed at him. And another friend of mine. So yes.
19. How many guys will read this just because it says "Girl Confessions"? - About five. Sadly, most of my watch list is guys.
[X] I do wear make up. (When I feel like it.)
[X] I have cried in a movie theater.
[X] I can put mascara on without opening my mouth.
[X] I get jealous.
[X] I think Johnny Depp is sexy.
[ ] JUDE LAW FAG (I personally think Jude Law is ALSO sexy. )
[X] I love to laugh.
[ ] I like death/grind/black metal.
[X] I like rap.
[X] I like techno.
[X] I like country.
[X] I carry a purse.
[ ] I'd be lost without my computer. (Nope. I have an innate sense of direction.)
[X] I own a Spice Girls CD. (I own two, plus the solo albums of two of them.)
[X] I own a Britney Spears CD. (Greatest Hits.)
[X] I own a boy band CD. (YAY for the 80's!!)
[X] I get bored watching football. (I'd rather be out PLAYING football.)
[X] I've never been called a spoiled brat. (Only child. I get it a LOT.)
[X]Guys are confusing. (SO ARE WOMEN.)
[X] I've been called a bad influence (Funny what being honest gets you.)
[ ] I have/had a piercing other than my ears. (I want one. SO BAD.)
Come on ladies, be truthful!
1. What color is your bra that you're wearing? - None. :P
2. Do you prefer light or dark haired guys? - Dark. Blondes tend to treat me like crap, with three exceptions.
3. Are you currently frustrated with a boy? - YES. But I know that he's also frustrated with me.
4. What's one thing a guy can do to make you like them? - Be real. I catch you in a lie, I mentally eviscerate you.
5. Do you have a best friend? - Yes. I am very lucky.
6. Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery? - Yep. The Italian pasta storage facility is SO last millennium.
7. Has one of your friends ever stolen a boyfriend from you? - Nope. Mostly, they wonder why I'm dating the guy I am.
8. Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on? - Multiple times. Swimsuits are clothes, right?
9. Do you have more friends that are girls or boys? - Neither. I make friends with women and men. More men that I rely on but more women that I can see at a moment's notice.
10. How long have you had a facebook? - Seven years, sadly. 12/31/05 was when I joined.
11. Have you ever slapped a boy in the face? - Slap? Slapping's for little girls that can't throw a punch. That said, yes, yes I have, because I knew if I punched him, I'd shatter his jaw.
12. Do you believe in the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater?" - No. People can change.
13. Have you ever had a good feeling about something? - They come more rarely than the bad feelings, but yes.
14. Do you ever wish you were famous? - Famous? Well, I admit, the celebrity would have an upside, but only if I could do good with it. If I were infamous, I don't think I would enjoy that.
THIS GUY OR THAT GUY? PICK ONE:
Cowboy or Gangster? Gangster. God, I love suits on a man. (Please tell me this is a 30's gangster and not a gang-banger. If we're talking bling, give me a cowboy.)
Preppy or Punk? Punk. Steampunk.
Face or Body? Can't I have both?
Good cook or take you out a lot? Take me out. I cook well enough for the both of us.
Sweet or sexy? Sexy with a sweet side.
Armani or Abercrombie? Armani. PFFT. Come ON!
Contacts or glasses? Glasses. Preferably with an accent.
Arts and Crafts
Posted 13 years agoSo, one of the things I've been thinking about to redirect my life in the meme of an arrow to the knee- I mean, getting a degree and a profession- is bead work and custom orders for such. I have a number of projects that I can whip through fairly quickly, at minimal cost that could easily be dressed up for the fandom. I'm just wondering if there will be a market for such things. So, I'm asking those of you that care to read my journals:
Would you be interested in buying strung and woven bead goodies from a neko-wuff? Or at all? I'll do pretty much anything, though my style seems to lead to the slightly dark and humorous or the grandeloquent. I will post pics of my work as soon as I am able- I'm currently honing my craft and bracing myself for this venture. I just want to know if there would be interest in such a thing.
Styles would include:
Native American-inspired (Sorry, y'all, blood's 100 percent foreign to this continent)
Victorian
Gothic
Neo-Gothic
Steampunk (As I can get materials)
Cyberpunk (As I can get materials)
Asian-inspired
Possibility for:
Period pieces
Custom Designs (Commissions will be my bread and butter, most likely. I have to be realistic about this.)
Again, THIS IS A TEST OF THE WATERS. I AM NOT trying to advertise or announce the launch of anything.
As I said, pics will be up when I can get them up.
Thanks for the feedback! <3
Would you be interested in buying strung and woven bead goodies from a neko-wuff? Or at all? I'll do pretty much anything, though my style seems to lead to the slightly dark and humorous or the grandeloquent. I will post pics of my work as soon as I am able- I'm currently honing my craft and bracing myself for this venture. I just want to know if there would be interest in such a thing.
Styles would include:
Native American-inspired (Sorry, y'all, blood's 100 percent foreign to this continent)
Victorian
Gothic
Neo-Gothic
Steampunk (As I can get materials)
Cyberpunk (As I can get materials)
Asian-inspired
Possibility for:
Period pieces
Custom Designs (Commissions will be my bread and butter, most likely. I have to be realistic about this.)
Again, THIS IS A TEST OF THE WATERS. I AM NOT trying to advertise or announce the launch of anything.
As I said, pics will be up when I can get them up.
Thanks for the feedback! <3
Tomet Nosce (And all that Jazz)
Posted 14 years agoSo. . . I was on an advertising/personals/social site (site shall remain nameless) today for the first time, just to see if a) all the ads are as pathetic as some people say they are. Answer: Yes, and more so. It was as though I’d missed a pop-up somewhere that read: Prepare to be disturbed, internet denizen!!! And b) if anyone was free-cycling a folding table or work table that could be used to prop up a sewing machine.
What got me about this site was how much it made think about what I’m like as a person and what my dreams of a future partner are. I used to be in the trap of “anyone, as long as they notice me” and have since moved into a number of fringes not even I saw coming.
My first crush was a guy who for all intents and purposes was a blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy next door. Literally. It did not end well. At the tender age of 5, my heart was ripped out, thrown in a blender and shredded mercilessly in the public forum of savagery and free exchange more commonly referred to as a playground at recess. I distrust attractive blondes who are good at sports or who have decent bodies to this day.
My first REAL crush was a guy that was dark-haired, dark-eyed and REALLY interested in gaming and anime. He graduated and we parted as friends. Attempts to get back in touch with him have failed. Miserably. I finally decided that it wasn’t worth the energy I was spending in trying to reconnect. I didn’t want to come across as a creepy stalker. Period. I wished him the best and walked away. (Ironically enough, I still hear from his mom.)
I swore off romance for the longest time. Then I decided “why the hell not” at one point. Secretly, I was desperate and not wanting to admit it to myself. I admit it now with a smirk and a self-disparaging comment that is usually followed by a well-placed Gibb-smack from my nearest friend. Having sat down and had a number of conversations with myself I now realize that what I want may well not be attainable. At all.
What I have is marvelous, by the way. I love my life and my lovers more than I probably should. What haunts me is the fact that I still want. So, here goes. What “prince charming” would be like, with various stages.
1990 (age 5)- Blond, blue-eyed, sweet and always ready to play with me!
1998 (age 13)- Dark hair, dark eyes and closet pervert with a sarcastic streak a mile wide. {Intelligence becomes a MUST from here on out.}
1999 (Age 14)- See above, OR About four foot tall, with silver hair, blue eyes, pointed ears and an incorrigible sneak and flirt.
2003 (age 18)- Attractive, shy, kind of clumsy, and incredibly sweet OR Tall, dark, unbelievably handsome, secretly wealthy and about 20 years older
2005 (age 20): Attractive, shy, kind of clumsy, and incredibly sweet, with a twin brother OR dark hair, perverted, older and yet sensitive to what I am going through. Enter the furry fandom. All this in an anthropomorphic form would have made me sign off from the human race. PERMANENTLY.
2012 (Age 26 [present]): Looks don’t mean much but are always a bonus. Sweet, but not a doormat. Understanding of my mood shifts. A person who doesn’t mind that occasionally I will make an animal noise as opposed to using my mouth words. Cross-dresser (OMFG THIS IS A TURN-ON) with a fabric fetish. Light bondage and domination a must. Someone who can understand that there’s a benefit to making it rough. Willing to put up with my tirades and will not be threatened by the fact that I get loud when emphatic. Has enough mental and spiritual fortitude to take a joke, even when the joke may not sound like one. Someone who would zing me back when appropriate but will also know when to call me sweetheart. Must be good at reading body language. Empathy probably required. A person who will try anything once and have seconds if they like it. I don’t much care for chivalry that doesn’t accompany a truly gentle heart. Opening the door for me won’t get you points if you won’t hold me when I cry. Someone who understands that I am more masculine than most men you’ll meet and yet I love feeling like a fashion model occasionally. A person who respects dichotomies even if they more often resemble contradictions. A person who will hold me when I’m crying and know when to leave me to my moping. A person able to hold their own in a fight. A person who will protect me from myself if needs be. A person with passion in their kiss. Who closes their eyes when we kiss. A good dancer who is completely secure in their body. A person who delights in showing me there are still things I can learn about mine. A person who loves my cooking and never blames me for “getting them fat”.
I don’t know that this person exists. I doubt it. What I have is better than most people have in their wildest dreams. Yet, I am wanting. I want. I don’t know why and I know it’s not fair, but I do. I’m not even sure that if this person walked into my life today I would be willing to leave what I have for them. I just. . . for so long, I didn’t know what I wanted. Now that I do, I find a way to be guilty about it. That. . . more than anything. . . hurts.
What I dream comes to pass occasionally. Never for me, though. Others, all the time, right down to the method I predicted. (Ask my best friend, whose intended LITERALLY fell in her lap. I’ve since stopped using that phrase.) I’ve dreamed of marrying three different men. All of them broke my heart within a year of the dream. I dreamed of getting a degree before I turned 25. I got diagnosed with a lifelong sickness and left that degree field. I dreamed of being a medicine woman when I was 5. Every single mentor that has taken me on petered out for one reason or another. The only one who’s stayed is GothWulfe, and I wonder at his wisdom for sticking around me sometimes, but I’m grateful for the indulgence he shows my ignorant self sometimes. Distance is kind of a burden for a craft that requires near-constant contact. I can list a dozen other things in my life that have gone wrong, but in all that I could list, nothing sticks out more with every new view than the fact that I have a truly low opinion of men where romance is concerned and even lower expectations when it comes to myself in relation to them.
“The girl who’s one of the boys.” Who doesn’t hate that label?
“Faghag.” An uglier one, with about the same meaning.
“Tomboy”. A woman so un-feminine, she may as well be male.
“Butch”. Uglier version of the above.
“Dyke”. A woman who despises men and prefers women.
“Man-Eating Dick-Hater”. A self-explanatory one, methinks.
What might all of these names have in common? I’ve been called them at one point or another. Worst of all, a couple of them defined who I was for a while. Yet, I also get some other names tacked on me that seem to completely contradict all of these.
“Sweetheart”
“Surrogate Mom”
“Mother-Goddess-type”
“Classic Beauty”
“Statuesque”
“16th-century pin-up”
“Lifesaver”
So. . . who am I anyway? That’s the question of the day.
Am I . . .
My resume? (Had to sneak the Chorus Line reference in there!)
Not “That Girl”? (Wicked, too)
A Bohemian?(RENT)
A bundle of contradictions?
A simple person masquerading as a bundle of contradictions?
A leech?
Or, to use some grossly inaccurate furry stereotypes:
An archetypal loner who secretly needs people to be around? (Wolf)
An attention whore with enough energy to run Broadway? (Ferret)
Impossibly intelligent and condescendingly snarky about it? (Dragon)
A sexually expressive creature with whims that last only slightly longer than the time it takes me to blink? (Feline)
A unforgivable and somehow clingy slut (Fox)
Intelligent, arrogant and condescending? (Unicorn/Troll)
When I find out who I am, I’ll find what I need. Until then, I guess knowing what I want will get me by. I don’t know that there’s a point to this. I don’t want to disparage anyone or make them feel like I hate my life. I just took some time to realize that while I’m satisfied, I’m not happy. There is a difference and somehow that difference is stark to me right now.
Love and hope.
Thanks for listening-
Lenka
What got me about this site was how much it made think about what I’m like as a person and what my dreams of a future partner are. I used to be in the trap of “anyone, as long as they notice me” and have since moved into a number of fringes not even I saw coming.
My first crush was a guy who for all intents and purposes was a blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy next door. Literally. It did not end well. At the tender age of 5, my heart was ripped out, thrown in a blender and shredded mercilessly in the public forum of savagery and free exchange more commonly referred to as a playground at recess. I distrust attractive blondes who are good at sports or who have decent bodies to this day.
My first REAL crush was a guy that was dark-haired, dark-eyed and REALLY interested in gaming and anime. He graduated and we parted as friends. Attempts to get back in touch with him have failed. Miserably. I finally decided that it wasn’t worth the energy I was spending in trying to reconnect. I didn’t want to come across as a creepy stalker. Period. I wished him the best and walked away. (Ironically enough, I still hear from his mom.)
I swore off romance for the longest time. Then I decided “why the hell not” at one point. Secretly, I was desperate and not wanting to admit it to myself. I admit it now with a smirk and a self-disparaging comment that is usually followed by a well-placed Gibb-smack from my nearest friend. Having sat down and had a number of conversations with myself I now realize that what I want may well not be attainable. At all.
What I have is marvelous, by the way. I love my life and my lovers more than I probably should. What haunts me is the fact that I still want. So, here goes. What “prince charming” would be like, with various stages.
1990 (age 5)- Blond, blue-eyed, sweet and always ready to play with me!
1998 (age 13)- Dark hair, dark eyes and closet pervert with a sarcastic streak a mile wide. {Intelligence becomes a MUST from here on out.}
1999 (Age 14)- See above, OR About four foot tall, with silver hair, blue eyes, pointed ears and an incorrigible sneak and flirt.
2003 (age 18)- Attractive, shy, kind of clumsy, and incredibly sweet OR Tall, dark, unbelievably handsome, secretly wealthy and about 20 years older
2005 (age 20): Attractive, shy, kind of clumsy, and incredibly sweet, with a twin brother OR dark hair, perverted, older and yet sensitive to what I am going through. Enter the furry fandom. All this in an anthropomorphic form would have made me sign off from the human race. PERMANENTLY.
2012 (Age 26 [present]): Looks don’t mean much but are always a bonus. Sweet, but not a doormat. Understanding of my mood shifts. A person who doesn’t mind that occasionally I will make an animal noise as opposed to using my mouth words. Cross-dresser (OMFG THIS IS A TURN-ON) with a fabric fetish. Light bondage and domination a must. Someone who can understand that there’s a benefit to making it rough. Willing to put up with my tirades and will not be threatened by the fact that I get loud when emphatic. Has enough mental and spiritual fortitude to take a joke, even when the joke may not sound like one. Someone who would zing me back when appropriate but will also know when to call me sweetheart. Must be good at reading body language. Empathy probably required. A person who will try anything once and have seconds if they like it. I don’t much care for chivalry that doesn’t accompany a truly gentle heart. Opening the door for me won’t get you points if you won’t hold me when I cry. Someone who understands that I am more masculine than most men you’ll meet and yet I love feeling like a fashion model occasionally. A person who respects dichotomies even if they more often resemble contradictions. A person who will hold me when I’m crying and know when to leave me to my moping. A person able to hold their own in a fight. A person who will protect me from myself if needs be. A person with passion in their kiss. Who closes their eyes when we kiss. A good dancer who is completely secure in their body. A person who delights in showing me there are still things I can learn about mine. A person who loves my cooking and never blames me for “getting them fat”.
I don’t know that this person exists. I doubt it. What I have is better than most people have in their wildest dreams. Yet, I am wanting. I want. I don’t know why and I know it’s not fair, but I do. I’m not even sure that if this person walked into my life today I would be willing to leave what I have for them. I just. . . for so long, I didn’t know what I wanted. Now that I do, I find a way to be guilty about it. That. . . more than anything. . . hurts.
What I dream comes to pass occasionally. Never for me, though. Others, all the time, right down to the method I predicted. (Ask my best friend, whose intended LITERALLY fell in her lap. I’ve since stopped using that phrase.) I’ve dreamed of marrying three different men. All of them broke my heart within a year of the dream. I dreamed of getting a degree before I turned 25. I got diagnosed with a lifelong sickness and left that degree field. I dreamed of being a medicine woman when I was 5. Every single mentor that has taken me on petered out for one reason or another. The only one who’s stayed is GothWulfe, and I wonder at his wisdom for sticking around me sometimes, but I’m grateful for the indulgence he shows my ignorant self sometimes. Distance is kind of a burden for a craft that requires near-constant contact. I can list a dozen other things in my life that have gone wrong, but in all that I could list, nothing sticks out more with every new view than the fact that I have a truly low opinion of men where romance is concerned and even lower expectations when it comes to myself in relation to them.
“The girl who’s one of the boys.” Who doesn’t hate that label?
“Faghag.” An uglier one, with about the same meaning.
“Tomboy”. A woman so un-feminine, she may as well be male.
“Butch”. Uglier version of the above.
“Dyke”. A woman who despises men and prefers women.
“Man-Eating Dick-Hater”. A self-explanatory one, methinks.
What might all of these names have in common? I’ve been called them at one point or another. Worst of all, a couple of them defined who I was for a while. Yet, I also get some other names tacked on me that seem to completely contradict all of these.
“Sweetheart”
“Surrogate Mom”
“Mother-Goddess-type”
“Classic Beauty”
“Statuesque”
“16th-century pin-up”
“Lifesaver”
So. . . who am I anyway? That’s the question of the day.
Am I . . .
My resume? (Had to sneak the Chorus Line reference in there!)
Not “That Girl”? (Wicked, too)
A Bohemian?(RENT)
A bundle of contradictions?
A simple person masquerading as a bundle of contradictions?
A leech?
Or, to use some grossly inaccurate furry stereotypes:
An archetypal loner who secretly needs people to be around? (Wolf)
An attention whore with enough energy to run Broadway? (Ferret)
Impossibly intelligent and condescendingly snarky about it? (Dragon)
A sexually expressive creature with whims that last only slightly longer than the time it takes me to blink? (Feline)
A unforgivable and somehow clingy slut (Fox)
Intelligent, arrogant and condescending? (Unicorn/Troll)
When I find out who I am, I’ll find what I need. Until then, I guess knowing what I want will get me by. I don’t know that there’s a point to this. I don’t want to disparage anyone or make them feel like I hate my life. I just took some time to realize that while I’m satisfied, I’m not happy. There is a difference and somehow that difference is stark to me right now.
Love and hope.
Thanks for listening-
Lenka
Lots of stuff. . .
Posted 14 years agoSo. Shit's been happening.
This past November, a good friend of mine lost her job and made it an iffy thing as to whether or not she'd be homeless for the holidays. That crisis was quickly averted due to the awesomeness that is one of our friends.
In the time since, my hours got cut in half. That, however, is also getting taken care of. My hours are increasing a bit this coming week.
This morning, my mom was admitted to the hospital for a "severe" animal bite. Most of the damage is superficial. This is to say, no nerve or bone damage and negligible muscle damage. She's being held for observation overnight and should be fine enough for discharge tomorrow.
Well-wishes and good vibes will be most welcome. We're being taken care of, but God knows, we could use a bit more help.
Thanks for listening.
This past November, a good friend of mine lost her job and made it an iffy thing as to whether or not she'd be homeless for the holidays. That crisis was quickly averted due to the awesomeness that is one of our friends.
In the time since, my hours got cut in half. That, however, is also getting taken care of. My hours are increasing a bit this coming week.
This morning, my mom was admitted to the hospital for a "severe" animal bite. Most of the damage is superficial. This is to say, no nerve or bone damage and negligible muscle damage. She's being held for observation overnight and should be fine enough for discharge tomorrow.
Well-wishes and good vibes will be most welcome. We're being taken care of, but God knows, we could use a bit more help.
Thanks for listening.
Lack of . . .
Posted 14 years agoIf being a denizen of the internet has taught me one thing it is: NEVER COMPLAIN.
Kvetch, whine, moan, vent. But NEVER complain and allow yourself to wallow in self-pity for more than the ten seconds it takes for the shock to wear off.
I guarantee:
It can get worse.
You can go lower.
There is always more to lose, in ways you would never have even THOUGHT to imagine.
One of my hobbies is trying not to be the thing in life that goes sour. When life gets difficult around me, I try to be the constant in people's lives. My smile. My faith in life's ability to surprise you with miracles- all of this is my gift to others around me. I try to be the smile that changes your shitty day into a tolerable one.
Well, a few days ago, I found myself wishing for the same. My comment to the social network du jour was "To depressed to scream and too mad to cry". I can't give details without breaking my #2 rule: never under any circumstances, give out details you're not comfortable seeing on the ticker in Times Square. Rest assured that it takes a bit to get me to this point, to the point where I want to take all my things that I can call truly mine- things I paid for and owe to no one- and burn them. Burn them to simplify things. 'If such must befall me, then let it befall only me and not my things' seems to be a popular thought. I hate being in this frame of mind. Moreover, I hate not being able to sort things out while in this frame of mind.
Then- out of nowhere, someone made me smile. It was a forced, unexpected, awkward smile in my mindset at that time, but it was a smile. The thing that made me smile was the knowledge that, despite it all, the person in the world I was most frustrated with admitted that what they were doing was probably unwise and was affecting someone other than they. It wasn't a cheap, schadenfraude-laden high. It was a saving grace.
I felt seen.
I felt needed.
I felt acknowledged.
I also felt sad. Of all the people who had come to my side and aid that day, the only one I noticed was the one who admitted wronging me rather than the ones who were surrounding me with love and support.
Long story short:
To you all who have loved me and supported me and those around me-
Kvetch, whine, moan, vent. But NEVER complain and allow yourself to wallow in self-pity for more than the ten seconds it takes for the shock to wear off.
I guarantee:
It can get worse.
You can go lower.
There is always more to lose, in ways you would never have even THOUGHT to imagine.
One of my hobbies is trying not to be the thing in life that goes sour. When life gets difficult around me, I try to be the constant in people's lives. My smile. My faith in life's ability to surprise you with miracles- all of this is my gift to others around me. I try to be the smile that changes your shitty day into a tolerable one.
Well, a few days ago, I found myself wishing for the same. My comment to the social network du jour was "To depressed to scream and too mad to cry". I can't give details without breaking my #2 rule: never under any circumstances, give out details you're not comfortable seeing on the ticker in Times Square. Rest assured that it takes a bit to get me to this point, to the point where I want to take all my things that I can call truly mine- things I paid for and owe to no one- and burn them. Burn them to simplify things. 'If such must befall me, then let it befall only me and not my things' seems to be a popular thought. I hate being in this frame of mind. Moreover, I hate not being able to sort things out while in this frame of mind.
Then- out of nowhere, someone made me smile. It was a forced, unexpected, awkward smile in my mindset at that time, but it was a smile. The thing that made me smile was the knowledge that, despite it all, the person in the world I was most frustrated with admitted that what they were doing was probably unwise and was affecting someone other than they. It wasn't a cheap, schadenfraude-laden high. It was a saving grace.
I felt seen.
I felt needed.
I felt acknowledged.
I also felt sad. Of all the people who had come to my side and aid that day, the only one I noticed was the one who admitted wronging me rather than the ones who were surrounding me with love and support.
Long story short:
To you all who have loved me and supported me and those around me-
THANK YOU 35% Innocent
Posted 14 years ago"Start with 100% and subtract 1% for everything that you've done.
Then repost as your __% Innocence. Lowest number you have the more you've done!"
100%
(x) Smoked.
(x) Drank alcohol.
(x) Cried when someone died.
(x) Been drunk.
(x) Had sex.
(x) Been to a concert.
(x) given a handjob.
(x) gotten a handjob.
(x) given a blowjob.
(x) gotten a blowjob.
(x) Been verbally/sexually harassed.
(x) Verbally/sexually harassed somebody.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 88%
(x) felt someone up and/or been felt up.
(x) Laughed so hard something came out of your nose.
( ) Cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend before.
( ) Been cheated on by a boyfriend/girlfriend.
(x) Been to prom.
(x) Cried at school.
(x) Gotten lost in a WalMart or a department store.
( ) Went streaking.
( ) Given or received a lap dance.
(x) Had someone of the opposite/same sex in your room.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 82%
(x) Had someone of the opposite sex sleep over.
(x) Slept over at someone of the same sex's house.
(x) Kissed a stranger.
(x) Hugged a stranger.
( ) Went scuba diving.
(x) Driven a car.
(x) Gotten an x-ray.
( ) Hit by a car.
( ) Had a party
( ) Done serious drugs.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 75%
(x) Played strip poker/darts.
( ) Got paid to strip for someone.
( ) Run away from home.
( ) Broken a bone.
(x) Eaten sushi.
( ) Bought porn.
(x) Watched porn.
( ) Made porn.
(x) Had a crush on someone of the same sex.
(x) Been in love.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 70%
(x) Made out.
(x) Laughed so hard you cried.
( ) Cried yourself to sleep.
( ) Laughed yourself to sleep.
( ) Stabbed yourself.
( ) Shot a gun
( )Trash talked someone and then acted like their best friend the next day.
(x) Been online for 9 consecutive hours.
(x) Watched TV for 9 consecutive hours.
(x) Watched an animal die.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 65%
( ) Watched a person die.
(x) Kissed and/or messed around somewhere with at least 1 person.
(x) Pranked somebody.
(x) Put somebody in the hospital.
(x) Snuck into someone's room and/or your own room after being out.
(x) Kissed somebody of the same sex.
(x) Dressed punk.
(x) Dressed goth.
( ) Dressed preppy.
( ) Been to a motocross race.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 58%
(x) Avoided somebody.
( ) Been stalked.
( ) Stalked someone.
(x) Met a celebrity.
( ) Ridden a horse.
(x) Cut yourself.
( ) Bungee jumped.
( ) Ding dong ditched somebody.
( ) Been to a wild party.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 55%
(x) Got caught stealing something
(x) Kicked/punched a guy in the balls.
( ) Stolen a boyfriend/girlfriend from a friend.
( ) Gone out with your friend's crush.
( ) Got arrested.
( ) Been pregnant.
( ) Made a girl pregnant.
(x) Babysat.
(x) Been to another country.
( ) Started your house on fire.
(x) Had an encounter with a ghost.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 50%
( ) Donated your hair to cancer patients.
(x) Been asked out by someone that you never thought you'd be asked out by.
(x) Cried over a member of the opposite/same sex.
(x) Had a boyfriend/girlfriend for over 3 months.
(x) Sat on your butt all day.
(x) Ate a whole carton of ice cream all by yourself.
(x) Had a job.
(x) Gotten cut from a sports team.
(x) Been called a whore.
(x) Danced like a whore
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 41%
(x) Been mistaken as older than your own age.
( ) Been in a car accident.
(x) Been told you have beautiful eyes.
(x) Been told you have beautiful hair.
( ) Raped somebody.
(x) Danced in the rain.
(x) Been rejected.
( ) Walked out of a restaurant without paying.
(x) Punched someone/slapped someone in the face.
( ) Been raped.
FINAL PERCENTAGE: 35%
Then repost as your __% Innocence. Lowest number you have the more you've done!"
100%
(x) Smoked.
(x) Drank alcohol.
(x) Cried when someone died.
(x) Been drunk.
(x) Had sex.
(x) Been to a concert.
(x) given a handjob.
(x) gotten a handjob.
(x) given a blowjob.
(x) gotten a blowjob.
(x) Been verbally/sexually harassed.
(x) Verbally/sexually harassed somebody.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 88%
(x) felt someone up and/or been felt up.
(x) Laughed so hard something came out of your nose.
( ) Cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend before.
( ) Been cheated on by a boyfriend/girlfriend.
(x) Been to prom.
(x) Cried at school.
(x) Gotten lost in a WalMart or a department store.
( ) Went streaking.
( ) Given or received a lap dance.
(x) Had someone of the opposite/same sex in your room.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 82%
(x) Had someone of the opposite sex sleep over.
(x) Slept over at someone of the same sex's house.
(x) Kissed a stranger.
(x) Hugged a stranger.
( ) Went scuba diving.
(x) Driven a car.
(x) Gotten an x-ray.
( ) Hit by a car.
( ) Had a party
( ) Done serious drugs.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 75%
(x) Played strip poker/darts.
( ) Got paid to strip for someone.
( ) Run away from home.
( ) Broken a bone.
(x) Eaten sushi.
( ) Bought porn.
(x) Watched porn.
( ) Made porn.
(x) Had a crush on someone of the same sex.
(x) Been in love.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 70%
(x) Made out.
(x) Laughed so hard you cried.
( ) Cried yourself to sleep.
( ) Laughed yourself to sleep.
( ) Stabbed yourself.
( ) Shot a gun
( )Trash talked someone and then acted like their best friend the next day.
(x) Been online for 9 consecutive hours.
(x) Watched TV for 9 consecutive hours.
(x) Watched an animal die.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 65%
( ) Watched a person die.
(x) Kissed and/or messed around somewhere with at least 1 person.
(x) Pranked somebody.
(x) Put somebody in the hospital.
(x) Snuck into someone's room and/or your own room after being out.
(x) Kissed somebody of the same sex.
(x) Dressed punk.
(x) Dressed goth.
( ) Dressed preppy.
( ) Been to a motocross race.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 58%
(x) Avoided somebody.
( ) Been stalked.
( ) Stalked someone.
(x) Met a celebrity.
( ) Ridden a horse.
(x) Cut yourself.
( ) Bungee jumped.
( ) Ding dong ditched somebody.
( ) Been to a wild party.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 55%
(x) Got caught stealing something
(x) Kicked/punched a guy in the balls.
( ) Stolen a boyfriend/girlfriend from a friend.
( ) Gone out with your friend's crush.
( ) Got arrested.
( ) Been pregnant.
( ) Made a girl pregnant.
(x) Babysat.
(x) Been to another country.
( ) Started your house on fire.
(x) Had an encounter with a ghost.
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 50%
( ) Donated your hair to cancer patients.
(x) Been asked out by someone that you never thought you'd be asked out by.
(x) Cried over a member of the opposite/same sex.
(x) Had a boyfriend/girlfriend for over 3 months.
(x) Sat on your butt all day.
(x) Ate a whole carton of ice cream all by yourself.
(x) Had a job.
(x) Gotten cut from a sports team.
(x) Been called a whore.
(x) Danced like a whore
PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 41%
(x) Been mistaken as older than your own age.
( ) Been in a car accident.
(x) Been told you have beautiful eyes.
(x) Been told you have beautiful hair.
( ) Raped somebody.
(x) Danced in the rain.
(x) Been rejected.
( ) Walked out of a restaurant without paying.
(x) Punched someone/slapped someone in the face.
( ) Been raped.
FINAL PERCENTAGE: 35%
Work.
Posted 14 years agoSchedule went a little something like this:
Mon-Thursday- 7:00 AM-10:30 am: Food, nap, and maybe a bit of time with my housemates
11:00 AM-3:30 pm (Day Job)
3:45pm-8:00pm: Sleep (if I didn't have any errands/chores)
8:00pm-9:00pm: Take care of cats at parent's house
9:00pm-10:00pm: Make dinner.
11:00 pm-7:00am (Night Job)
Friday:
7:00 am-3:00pm: Run errands/do shopping.
3:00pm-8:00pm: Sleep
8:00 pm to 9:00 pm: Cats
9:00pm to 10:00pm: Make dinner
11:00pm to 7:00am Sat: Work
Saturday:
7:00 AM- ?: Usually sleep and do things that I LIKE doing, including checking the internet.
11:00pm-7:00am Sunday: Work.
Sunday:
7:00 AM- 2:00pm- SLEEP.
2:00 pm-8:00 pm: Cats at the parents' house, along with dinner and social time there.
11:00pm to 7:00am Monday: Work.
Yeah, you read that right. I don't have a full day off.
Whether it be monetary obligation or a social one, I am pretty much packed anymore. Yes, I have time to myself and yes, I play as hard as I work. There have been a few incidental changes here and there (Bazil taking care of the cats, for one) but for the most part, this is accurate.
I am so grateful to have work and to be doing something I can stand to do, but the doubles have been difficult. They should be ending soon, though. When they do, I'll go back to having Mon-Thurs night off and only working nights on the weekends.
Mon-Thursday- 7:00 AM-10:30 am: Food, nap, and maybe a bit of time with my housemates
11:00 AM-3:30 pm (Day Job)
3:45pm-8:00pm: Sleep (if I didn't have any errands/chores)
8:00pm-9:00pm: Take care of cats at parent's house
9:00pm-10:00pm: Make dinner.
11:00 pm-7:00am (Night Job)
Friday:
7:00 am-3:00pm: Run errands/do shopping.
3:00pm-8:00pm: Sleep
8:00 pm to 9:00 pm: Cats
9:00pm to 10:00pm: Make dinner
11:00pm to 7:00am Sat: Work
Saturday:
7:00 AM- ?: Usually sleep and do things that I LIKE doing, including checking the internet.
11:00pm-7:00am Sunday: Work.
Sunday:
7:00 AM- 2:00pm- SLEEP.
2:00 pm-8:00 pm: Cats at the parents' house, along with dinner and social time there.
11:00pm to 7:00am Monday: Work.
Yeah, you read that right. I don't have a full day off.
Whether it be monetary obligation or a social one, I am pretty much packed anymore. Yes, I have time to myself and yes, I play as hard as I work. There have been a few incidental changes here and there (Bazil taking care of the cats, for one) but for the most part, this is accurate.
I am so grateful to have work and to be doing something I can stand to do, but the doubles have been difficult. They should be ending soon, though. When they do, I'll go back to having Mon-Thurs night off and only working nights on the weekends.
I've Got to Hand it to . . .
Posted 14 years agoOkay, bad pun.
Recently, I did the exceedingly caring and stupid thing of trying to break up a dogfight. One of the dogs involved must have found one of my gestures threatening, because I am now nursing a hand that looks like a vampire or two went omnomnom on it. I have centered on the back of my hand a perfect pair of puncture wounds spaced exactly in alignment with the canine fangs of the animal in question.
Before any of you get all euthanasia-happy, I admit what I did was stupid and the dog had shown no violent tendencies before the incident nor has he shown any since. He was just being a dog and I was stupid enough at the time to put my dominant hand in danger.
My hand seems to be healing well. No sign of infection or permanent damage. I was afraid for a while that I had incurred nerve and tendon damage, but the numbness I was feeling was actually a part of the healing process. Who knew? Apparently, the brain hates pain as much as the human does.
Speaking of numbness- I'm getting tired emotionally and mentally, especially where my relationships are concerned. There are people I talked to as little as two years ago who never hear from me now. I started cutting out toxic relationships three years ago. Now, I'm cutting out the stagnant ones. I realize that relationships are two-way streets, but there's a difference between "wow I'm really busy, how have you been" and "hey have you seen that shirt we bought the last time we got together, two and a half years ago?" Funny that this should be happening when I find out that a certain person who I'd pretty much cut out of my life is still obsessing about me. No details, internet, just appreciate the irony here. Just let me assure that this person is in NO WAY associated with the fandom.
On being tired, I am beginning to wonder if it is now the norm to find out things about people in your life through the internet and by the second- or third-hand. I'm getting tired of finding these things out through journals, notes, blogs, and the like. This is a BIG reason I hate twitter and such with a passion. At the same time, a certain social network is my biggest tool for keeping in touch with the extended family. So really, I guess I can't complain too harshly on that subject. I'm just sick of having a bunch of people I don't know comment on something I should have been told personally about, I guess. Maybe I'm finally getting territorial. Who knows? All I know is, I don't want to become the stereotypical clingy bitch who needs to control everything around her. If this protective possessiveness isn't the first sign, I don't know what is.
I'm starting two jobs this next week. Part-time things, but money none the less. Time to start shoveling money toward the bill collectors so I have a hope in hell of starting nursing school some time in the next decade. It was supposed to start this fall, but shit got in the way. I've come to accept this as a fact of my life: I plan, God laughs and shoves a Tonka truck in the path of my Hot Wheels classic model.
I'm beginning to realize what is meant by "the honeymoon's over". In this insight, I'm also realizing why 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. This shit is hard work, and I'm beginning to wonder. That's all I will say on that, because flames are good for marshmallows.
_____
FORGET THIS, I'M BECOMING A HORSE!
Recently, I did the exceedingly caring and stupid thing of trying to break up a dogfight. One of the dogs involved must have found one of my gestures threatening, because I am now nursing a hand that looks like a vampire or two went omnomnom on it. I have centered on the back of my hand a perfect pair of puncture wounds spaced exactly in alignment with the canine fangs of the animal in question.
Before any of you get all euthanasia-happy, I admit what I did was stupid and the dog had shown no violent tendencies before the incident nor has he shown any since. He was just being a dog and I was stupid enough at the time to put my dominant hand in danger.
My hand seems to be healing well. No sign of infection or permanent damage. I was afraid for a while that I had incurred nerve and tendon damage, but the numbness I was feeling was actually a part of the healing process. Who knew? Apparently, the brain hates pain as much as the human does.
Speaking of numbness- I'm getting tired emotionally and mentally, especially where my relationships are concerned. There are people I talked to as little as two years ago who never hear from me now. I started cutting out toxic relationships three years ago. Now, I'm cutting out the stagnant ones. I realize that relationships are two-way streets, but there's a difference between "wow I'm really busy, how have you been" and "hey have you seen that shirt we bought the last time we got together, two and a half years ago?" Funny that this should be happening when I find out that a certain person who I'd pretty much cut out of my life is still obsessing about me. No details, internet, just appreciate the irony here. Just let me assure that this person is in NO WAY associated with the fandom.
On being tired, I am beginning to wonder if it is now the norm to find out things about people in your life through the internet and by the second- or third-hand. I'm getting tired of finding these things out through journals, notes, blogs, and the like. This is a BIG reason I hate twitter and such with a passion. At the same time, a certain social network is my biggest tool for keeping in touch with the extended family. So really, I guess I can't complain too harshly on that subject. I'm just sick of having a bunch of people I don't know comment on something I should have been told personally about, I guess. Maybe I'm finally getting territorial. Who knows? All I know is, I don't want to become the stereotypical clingy bitch who needs to control everything around her. If this protective possessiveness isn't the first sign, I don't know what is.
I'm starting two jobs this next week. Part-time things, but money none the less. Time to start shoveling money toward the bill collectors so I have a hope in hell of starting nursing school some time in the next decade. It was supposed to start this fall, but shit got in the way. I've come to accept this as a fact of my life: I plan, God laughs and shoves a Tonka truck in the path of my Hot Wheels classic model.
I'm beginning to realize what is meant by "the honeymoon's over". In this insight, I'm also realizing why 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. This shit is hard work, and I'm beginning to wonder. That's all I will say on that, because flames are good for marshmallows.
_____
FORGET THIS, I'M BECOMING A HORSE!
Another gripe with gamers
Posted 14 years agoI don't mind gamers for the most part. Hell, I AM one.
This wolf is about to shank a bitch. Right in the uvula. With my fist.
My very best friends (Lin_Rei and Bazil_Dragonkin) are currently running an RPG at a local video/game store. One of the players consistently undermines their authority, challenging every decision they make. In addition to this, he is CHEATING. How does one cheat at a roleplaying game? Quite simple. One plays a class (job, for non-gamers) that the DM has not had time to research and then proceeds to give the character spells and feats that simply ARE NOT ALLOWED for that class. Normally, I'm not a rule nazi, and being creative is one of the things I endorse whole-heartedly, but Jesus H. FUCK, every time you try and screw the DM over, you manipulative little shit, I have to spend two days plus hearing about it.
A lot of people will say it's the DM's fault for not better researching the character's class and abilities beforehand. True. I will give you that point. To be fair, there is a LOT of responsibility and reading that comes with being the person in charge of a roleplaying experience. That's part of the reason I won't DM. I'm not willing to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars and hours of my life giving myself and encyclopedic knowledge of a world I spend a few hours a week in. Not to mention memorizing stats on classes and races I might never encounter. Bazil and Lin are willing to take the time and put forth the effort to provide a world for these people to romp around in.
To continue to be fair, a good deal of gamers are annoying, but they're a functional annoying that can be put aside in light of other, more pleasant qualities. This I can endorse. What I can't endorse is this self-worshiping, conniving oxygen thief (thanks for that insult, Yugo!) that tries to bluff his way to spells outside his class that are at TWICE HIS CURRENT LEVEL. If it were me, I would have told the bitch to take a hike, right when he did it. Get out of my game, you 'new-age, Simple Plan listening emo hippie' (thank you, Least I Could Do). This is re-donk-ulous! What does this guy think he's gaining from 'working the system' or 'inflating his character' like he does? Does he think he's a god or something?
If he were a furry, I'd report his ass to the mods while happily chanting "banstick" over and over in singsong. Of course, if he were a furry, I'd also be calling the deities of suiting and free cookies on his pathetic little arse.
Luckily, there's Ctrl+Alt+SMITE. This is a privilege (and I stress that it should not be abused) that every DM has. Namely, the ability to erase a character from existence.
Thanks for listening, FA. Love you guys.
This wolf is about to shank a bitch. Right in the uvula. With my fist.
My very best friends (Lin_Rei and Bazil_Dragonkin) are currently running an RPG at a local video/game store. One of the players consistently undermines their authority, challenging every decision they make. In addition to this, he is CHEATING. How does one cheat at a roleplaying game? Quite simple. One plays a class (job, for non-gamers) that the DM has not had time to research and then proceeds to give the character spells and feats that simply ARE NOT ALLOWED for that class. Normally, I'm not a rule nazi, and being creative is one of the things I endorse whole-heartedly, but Jesus H. FUCK, every time you try and screw the DM over, you manipulative little shit, I have to spend two days plus hearing about it.
A lot of people will say it's the DM's fault for not better researching the character's class and abilities beforehand. True. I will give you that point. To be fair, there is a LOT of responsibility and reading that comes with being the person in charge of a roleplaying experience. That's part of the reason I won't DM. I'm not willing to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars and hours of my life giving myself and encyclopedic knowledge of a world I spend a few hours a week in. Not to mention memorizing stats on classes and races I might never encounter. Bazil and Lin are willing to take the time and put forth the effort to provide a world for these people to romp around in.
To continue to be fair, a good deal of gamers are annoying, but they're a functional annoying that can be put aside in light of other, more pleasant qualities. This I can endorse. What I can't endorse is this self-worshiping, conniving oxygen thief (thanks for that insult, Yugo!) that tries to bluff his way to spells outside his class that are at TWICE HIS CURRENT LEVEL. If it were me, I would have told the bitch to take a hike, right when he did it. Get out of my game, you 'new-age, Simple Plan listening emo hippie' (thank you, Least I Could Do). This is re-donk-ulous! What does this guy think he's gaining from 'working the system' or 'inflating his character' like he does? Does he think he's a god or something?
If he were a furry, I'd report his ass to the mods while happily chanting "banstick" over and over in singsong. Of course, if he were a furry, I'd also be calling the deities of suiting and free cookies on his pathetic little arse.
Luckily, there's Ctrl+Alt+SMITE. This is a privilege (and I stress that it should not be abused) that every DM has. Namely, the ability to erase a character from existence.
Thanks for listening, FA. Love you guys.
Video Game Meme (Stolen and Tweaked from Cyran's)
Posted 14 years ago1- Very First Video Game
I don't know what it was called, but I DO know it was on the Atari 2600 in about 1987. The first I remember is Duck Hunt. I was trying to play Mario Brothers. Grr.
2- Your Favorite Character
Have to break this one down by era. They all have such greats.
NES- Luigi
Gameboy- Marin from "Link's Awakening" I was pissed at the ending.
PC (Pre-2000)- Shema from the "Quest For Glory/Hero's Quest Series" The dance in QFGII was softcore furry porn. No ifs, ands, or buts about that.
Xbox360- Toss-up between the Arbiter from the Halo series and Lucien Lechance from The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. I have such a crush on Lucien. It's not funny or amusing. It's pathetic. If Lucien had a furry equivalent, I'd just have to cream my pants there on the spot.
Wii (They should have called it the Revolution. Wii? Really?)- Ammy from Okami. A wolf with attitude.
3- A Game That is Underrated
Quest for Glory/Hero's Quest. This game was both hard as brass balls and amusing as I'll get out. Not to mention that there were bad jokes at every turn, executed in such a way as to make you love it rather than despise the writers. Sierra, I miss the heck outta you.
4- Your Guilty Pleasure Game
Soul Calibur IV. I get a little perverted high off of dressing and undressing the various characters. I also totally geek on the combat styles. I STILL cannot get anywhere playing Voldo. His combat style eludes the happy ____ out of me.
5 - Game Character You Feel You Are Most Like (Or Wish You Were)
The Adoring Fan in The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. That is totally what I would be in that world- an adoring onlooker falling all over myself to be stepped on by the epic hero. That's what I find myself doing most in the fandom- following others around. (Who I WISH I Was- My character in The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. Leader of every faction, Prince of Madness, and all-around badass with a heart of gold.)
6 - Most Annoying Character
The Adoring Fan from The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion.
7 - Favorite Game Couple
Harley Quinn and The Joker from "Batman: Arkham Asylum". The dynamic between them is priceless, even if in all reality, that has got to be the weirdest platonic relationship ever. Come on, you seriously think the Joker would tap that? He's too wrapped up in causing mayhem to get him some acrobatic, extremely flexible. . . I'm stopping here before I develop a crush on yet another fictional character.
8 - Best Soundtrack
No surprise here- The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. Followed VERY closely by Bioshock.
9 - Saddest Game Scene
The 'Good' Ending of Bioshock. I cried like a baby. Oh, did I cry. It wasn't so much sad as bittersweet. For truly sad, I have to go to something else. I don't like spoiling, though, so. . . you'll have to put up with bittersweet.
10 - Best Gameplay
I'm going to take this question to mean "gameplay you enjoyed the most without glitching or other issues". That goes to Portal. I love the shit out of that game's mechanics.
11 - Gaming System of Choice
Tossup between PC and XBox360. Though I must note that 'favorite' is a loose term for as casual a gamer as I am.
12 - A Game Everyone Should Play
Plants vs Zombies. Accessible, funny, fun to play and includes mini-games and zen garden. A GREAT intro to gaming that doesn't require a great deal of commitment of time or effort.
13 - A Game You’ve Played More Than Five Times
The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. I got into this game and wanted to experience every facet of it. Therefore, I have Good, Evil and Neutral characters that specialize in Combat, Magic, and Stealth. I'm hell on a hard drive. I have to admit, my least played character was a combat-centered evil character. He's still stuck in the Assassin's guild about on-quarter of the way into the main storyline. I admit. What I do with that guy frightens the happy heck out of me.
14 - Current (Or Most Recent) Gaming Wallpaper
Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood- The Officer (Study for eventually MAKING that outfit)
15 - Post a Screenshot From the Game You're Playing Right Now
Mmm, no thanks. I doubt you want to see that.
16 - Game With the Best Cut Scenes
Hmmmm. . . tough call. I'd have to say either Bioshock or Halo 3.
17 - Favorite Antagonist
Tie. Sander Cohen from Bioshock vs. The Joker from Arkham Asylum. I like my villains just a little on the crazy side.
18 - Favorite Protagonist
So far? Sam Fisher from the Splinter Cell series. Life screwed him over royally and rather than becoming a whiny ass about it, he proceeds to grab that life by the horns and tell it to suck harder. like the bitch it is. Just like a sailor should. Anyone who makes sailor-bashing jokes can just line up to lick this guy's boots.
19 - Picture of a Game Setting You Wish You Lived In
Again, not good on pics, yet. However, I want to vacation in Cyrodiil so bad. That, and can I get a timeshare on Myst Island?
20 - Favorite Genre
RPG. Fantasy preferred. However, I have to say, Fallout 3 and New Vegas have a very special place in my heart, even if they are TECHNICALLY FPSs.
21 - Game with the Best Story
Have to break this down by Genre, cuz there are some kickass writers out there.
RPG- Baldur's Gate 2: Shadows of Amn. I want to read a novel version of this SOOOO bad I can taste the asshole vibes coming off of Jon Irenicus.
FPS- Halo. Not the original. The SERIES. Some of it was disappointing to the majority of fans, but to quote another FPS, "War never changes".
SciFi- Portal. Don't get me wrong, I loves me my Mass Effect, but I adore Portal. This game was a mindjob that played with physics. That, and I didn't get very far in Mass Effect before it got loaned out and hasn't yet been returned.
22 - A Game Sequel Which Disappointed You
Soul Calibur IV. I love the game, but much preferred the feel and look of III. I think they could have gone a much better place with this. However, I DO still love the game.
23 - Game You Think Had the Best Graphics or Art Style
Batman: Arkham Asylum. So many video games try to either pretty things up or make them positively ugly, yet still beautiful in the aesthetic that they ARE so ugly and decayed. B:AA did something very few games have done: took a world that was gritty and artful, rendered it using modern technology. It was polished and well-done without being shiny and too pretty for the storyline. I was just blown away.
24 - Favorite Classic Game
Duke Nukem 2. All outta bubblegum.
25 - A Game You Plan on Playing
The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. Oh HELLS YES. I will play it like MEN.
26 - Best Voice Acting
Batman: Arkham Asylum. Mark Hamil can still scare the crap out of me.
27 - Most Epic Scene Ever
The Arbiter's Branding/ Master Chief's Medal Ceremony. EPIC.
28 - Favorite Game Developer
Used to be Ubisoft before they got all uppity about the 'Net. And no user manuals. Now? Bethesda, baby.
29 - A Game You Thought You Wouldn’t Like, But Ended Up Loving
Mass Effect.
30 - Your Favorite Game of All Time
Conquests of Camelot: Search for the Holy Grail. Type in 'ham and jam and spam a lot' in the treasurer's for a cool tribute. Also, great jokes. Another Sierra piece of awesomeness.
I don't know what it was called, but I DO know it was on the Atari 2600 in about 1987. The first I remember is Duck Hunt. I was trying to play Mario Brothers. Grr.
2- Your Favorite Character
Have to break this one down by era. They all have such greats.
NES- Luigi
Gameboy- Marin from "Link's Awakening" I was pissed at the ending.
PC (Pre-2000)- Shema from the "Quest For Glory/Hero's Quest Series" The dance in QFGII was softcore furry porn. No ifs, ands, or buts about that.
Xbox360- Toss-up between the Arbiter from the Halo series and Lucien Lechance from The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. I have such a crush on Lucien. It's not funny or amusing. It's pathetic. If Lucien had a furry equivalent, I'd just have to cream my pants there on the spot.
Wii (They should have called it the Revolution. Wii? Really?)- Ammy from Okami. A wolf with attitude.
3- A Game That is Underrated
Quest for Glory/Hero's Quest. This game was both hard as brass balls and amusing as I'll get out. Not to mention that there were bad jokes at every turn, executed in such a way as to make you love it rather than despise the writers. Sierra, I miss the heck outta you.
4- Your Guilty Pleasure Game
Soul Calibur IV. I get a little perverted high off of dressing and undressing the various characters. I also totally geek on the combat styles. I STILL cannot get anywhere playing Voldo. His combat style eludes the happy ____ out of me.
5 - Game Character You Feel You Are Most Like (Or Wish You Were)
The Adoring Fan in The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. That is totally what I would be in that world- an adoring onlooker falling all over myself to be stepped on by the epic hero. That's what I find myself doing most in the fandom- following others around. (Who I WISH I Was- My character in The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. Leader of every faction, Prince of Madness, and all-around badass with a heart of gold.)
6 - Most Annoying Character
The Adoring Fan from The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion.
7 - Favorite Game Couple
Harley Quinn and The Joker from "Batman: Arkham Asylum". The dynamic between them is priceless, even if in all reality, that has got to be the weirdest platonic relationship ever. Come on, you seriously think the Joker would tap that? He's too wrapped up in causing mayhem to get him some acrobatic, extremely flexible. . . I'm stopping here before I develop a crush on yet another fictional character.
8 - Best Soundtrack
No surprise here- The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. Followed VERY closely by Bioshock.
9 - Saddest Game Scene
The 'Good' Ending of Bioshock. I cried like a baby. Oh, did I cry. It wasn't so much sad as bittersweet. For truly sad, I have to go to something else. I don't like spoiling, though, so. . . you'll have to put up with bittersweet.
10 - Best Gameplay
I'm going to take this question to mean "gameplay you enjoyed the most without glitching or other issues". That goes to Portal. I love the shit out of that game's mechanics.
11 - Gaming System of Choice
Tossup between PC and XBox360. Though I must note that 'favorite' is a loose term for as casual a gamer as I am.
12 - A Game Everyone Should Play
Plants vs Zombies. Accessible, funny, fun to play and includes mini-games and zen garden. A GREAT intro to gaming that doesn't require a great deal of commitment of time or effort.
13 - A Game You’ve Played More Than Five Times
The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. I got into this game and wanted to experience every facet of it. Therefore, I have Good, Evil and Neutral characters that specialize in Combat, Magic, and Stealth. I'm hell on a hard drive. I have to admit, my least played character was a combat-centered evil character. He's still stuck in the Assassin's guild about on-quarter of the way into the main storyline. I admit. What I do with that guy frightens the happy heck out of me.
14 - Current (Or Most Recent) Gaming Wallpaper
Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood- The Officer (Study for eventually MAKING that outfit)
15 - Post a Screenshot From the Game You're Playing Right Now
Mmm, no thanks. I doubt you want to see that.
16 - Game With the Best Cut Scenes
Hmmmm. . . tough call. I'd have to say either Bioshock or Halo 3.
17 - Favorite Antagonist
Tie. Sander Cohen from Bioshock vs. The Joker from Arkham Asylum. I like my villains just a little on the crazy side.
18 - Favorite Protagonist
So far? Sam Fisher from the Splinter Cell series. Life screwed him over royally and rather than becoming a whiny ass about it, he proceeds to grab that life by the horns and tell it to suck harder. like the bitch it is. Just like a sailor should. Anyone who makes sailor-bashing jokes can just line up to lick this guy's boots.
19 - Picture of a Game Setting You Wish You Lived In
Again, not good on pics, yet. However, I want to vacation in Cyrodiil so bad. That, and can I get a timeshare on Myst Island?
20 - Favorite Genre
RPG. Fantasy preferred. However, I have to say, Fallout 3 and New Vegas have a very special place in my heart, even if they are TECHNICALLY FPSs.
21 - Game with the Best Story
Have to break this down by Genre, cuz there are some kickass writers out there.
RPG- Baldur's Gate 2: Shadows of Amn. I want to read a novel version of this SOOOO bad I can taste the asshole vibes coming off of Jon Irenicus.
FPS- Halo. Not the original. The SERIES. Some of it was disappointing to the majority of fans, but to quote another FPS, "War never changes".
SciFi- Portal. Don't get me wrong, I loves me my Mass Effect, but I adore Portal. This game was a mindjob that played with physics. That, and I didn't get very far in Mass Effect before it got loaned out and hasn't yet been returned.
22 - A Game Sequel Which Disappointed You
Soul Calibur IV. I love the game, but much preferred the feel and look of III. I think they could have gone a much better place with this. However, I DO still love the game.
23 - Game You Think Had the Best Graphics or Art Style
Batman: Arkham Asylum. So many video games try to either pretty things up or make them positively ugly, yet still beautiful in the aesthetic that they ARE so ugly and decayed. B:AA did something very few games have done: took a world that was gritty and artful, rendered it using modern technology. It was polished and well-done without being shiny and too pretty for the storyline. I was just blown away.
24 - Favorite Classic Game
Duke Nukem 2. All outta bubblegum.
25 - A Game You Plan on Playing
The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. Oh HELLS YES. I will play it like MEN.
26 - Best Voice Acting
Batman: Arkham Asylum. Mark Hamil can still scare the crap out of me.
27 - Most Epic Scene Ever
The Arbiter's Branding/ Master Chief's Medal Ceremony. EPIC.
28 - Favorite Game Developer
Used to be Ubisoft before they got all uppity about the 'Net. And no user manuals. Now? Bethesda, baby.
29 - A Game You Thought You Wouldn’t Like, But Ended Up Loving
Mass Effect.
30 - Your Favorite Game of All Time
Conquests of Camelot: Search for the Holy Grail. Type in 'ham and jam and spam a lot' in the treasurer's for a cool tribute. Also, great jokes. Another Sierra piece of awesomeness.
The Wonder of FA
Posted 14 years agoSo, I started out the day confused, moved on to being in pain and just recently was incredibly irritated by a site that seems to have grown too big for its servers to sync with the services it offers. Looks like they will have to face their problems and go over their books to fix it. . . to coin a phrase.
That aside, I came onto FA after all this frustration only to find that even such a limited exposure to the fandom as checking my recent submissions and journals made all that frustration disappear. Literally, everything is suddenly better for oogling Fisk's amazing scribbles and listening to people talk about AC (fist shakings for not being able to afford it).
I wonder at times if this is simply because the frustrations I experience on FA are completely self-created and so easier to put up with or if it is because I'm willing to put up with more from the fandom than I am from people I visit with via 500-character rants and pix elated fertilizer. It is food for thought if nothing else.
On top of all this (cowgirl, yee haw!), I have decided to write more. I miss the days in high school where I could crank out 10,000 words without thinking about it and it occurs to me that WAAAAAY back in 2004, I had a good start to a novel-length furry escapade that never got off the ground. I miss writing on that story. I also need to get up off my tail and finish the adventures of the elder Dragonkin brother. This in addition to the fact that I hope to start nursing school this fall. . . time management will be my best friend, I think.
I've recently started on-again, off-again helping one of my mother's previous clients get back on her feet. This client insists on paying me for the LIGHT housework and company I bring to the table, even when I insist just as politely that what I do is a service of kindness and not for my own personal gain. I find that visiting this person is giving me a bit of confidence in my abilities as a potential caregiver and (as I have told concerned friends) puts me in a situation that is marvelous practice for my eventual calling as a nurse. Admittedly, care-giving is not my focus in nursing. I want to be a midwife. However, the reality may well be that I will have to work as a caregiver to pay the bills between births. So, I look at this not as a chore or a task to be completed and disregarded but as an opportunity to experience the field. I admit freely that I do not perform the same tasks that a caregiver would. I do not administer medication or medical care. I keep this person calm, keep them company and help them in their errands and daily tasks. From my perspective, these are all things a good friend would do, hence my hesitance in accepting monetary recompense for these days. I must give this person credit for their stubbornness. They insist and I accept to keep the peace. After all, I enjoy their company. My mother has brought home horror stories of the people she is having to care for (she is a Medical Assistant working on her RN. Prayers/good thoughts/well-wishes are welcomed), but this deters me little. What I want from life is different from her goals and aspirations, though hers are just as important to me.
I recognize now that living with a pair of friends (even on a temporary basis) is completely different from living with one's parents (pause for cries of 'duh' and other such jibes). I am completely and utterly responsible for my own person and as such, and responsible TO that person as well. It is liberating and frightening to realize that one needs only to answer to oneself. Before the conclusion that I am surprisingly immature is drawn, let me put forth the defense that I was raised to be an independent and accountable adult. Since about the age of six, I have been held responsible for my actions, attitudes and decisions. I was never permitted the 'well, you're a teenager/college student' excuse. I was always taken to task and given appropriate consequences for any infraction. This caused me to be 'too serious for my age' and 'no fun', due to the fact that I would consider a situation before entering into it, weigh the options and then choose whether or not the pros outweighed the cons in my favor. Granted, there were impulsive decisions and life lessons that I could have learned no other way than to blunder into a shit situation and come out scarred and gasping for relief. The wonder and newness I referred to earlier in this paragraph is that up until recently, my first thought was how any given action or attitude would reflect upon my parents and my reputation with them. I never considered what I wanted or what I felt. That was, in my opinion, to be dealt with secondarily if at all. Having gained distance from that, I suddenly felt the need to know what I wanted and what I was about. In order to become what my parents raised me to be, I had to cease thinking of them for two seconds and consider instead using the brain given me and the results of the lessons learned rather than the people involved. Again, on the surface, this seems childish and foolish but it is in fact a large step to make between heart and head. For the past few years since leaving Theatre school, I have repeatedly asked my parents what I was supposed to do. They both replied "do what makes you happy". My response was usually "You're supposed to say that, you're my parents". I wanted to be told what to do, as I had been in the past. It was terrifying to imagine that suddenly, I was in control and therefore held my responsibility to me and me alone.
One morning, I woke up mad at my boyfriend. Literally, I was insulting him at every turn. My best friends finally looked at me and said "so, you're still with him, why?". It gave me pause and I took the better part of the night to think. Why was I in a relationship that frustrated me more than not? Why did I put up with things in my boyfriend that I didn't tolerate from anyone else? Somehow, I cannot tell you how, the questions turned from him to me. Why did I allow in myself what I abhorred in others? Why did I not ACT? Why did I not simply draw a line in the sand and stand up for my beliefs. Staying silent profited me nothing. To quote the Joy Luck Club, it suddenly occurred to me that ". . . . losing him does not matter. It is you who will be found and cherished". I had placed all my emotions in others and their happiness. I had relinquished control of my life. Screaming electric guitars rang out in my mind as Rage Against the Machine played on a stage of all my mistakes and self-deprecating summations.I had to "take the power back". To the best of my knowledge, I am still with Sjach. I still have all my friends that I did when I had this revelation. What I have, what I gained, is an inner calm. I am willing now, more than ever, to give everything up if that is what must be. Nothing is withheld from God anymore. In return, I feel suddenly more myself than I have ever been. Yes, there will be bills. Yes, there are tasks I would rather not undertake. Yes, there are still times I am upset with the way my life is. What I know now is that what has come will pass, if only I have the courage to let the wounds heal rather than keeping them fresh. I must learn to let go. I must learn to see what is mine and seize it. Balance in all things.
Perhaps it's just a bunch of philosophical mumbo-jumbo that won't mean anything to me in a year. I have a feeling it's more, though.
This is the beginning of my seventh year as a furry. I made the transition to active in a YC Chatroom in 2004. On again, off again, I have been a lurker, a writer, an artist and a pack member, but I have been here.
I intend to stay.
That aside, I came onto FA after all this frustration only to find that even such a limited exposure to the fandom as checking my recent submissions and journals made all that frustration disappear. Literally, everything is suddenly better for oogling Fisk's amazing scribbles and listening to people talk about AC (fist shakings for not being able to afford it).
I wonder at times if this is simply because the frustrations I experience on FA are completely self-created and so easier to put up with or if it is because I'm willing to put up with more from the fandom than I am from people I visit with via 500-character rants and pix elated fertilizer. It is food for thought if nothing else.
On top of all this (cowgirl, yee haw!), I have decided to write more. I miss the days in high school where I could crank out 10,000 words without thinking about it and it occurs to me that WAAAAAY back in 2004, I had a good start to a novel-length furry escapade that never got off the ground. I miss writing on that story. I also need to get up off my tail and finish the adventures of the elder Dragonkin brother. This in addition to the fact that I hope to start nursing school this fall. . . time management will be my best friend, I think.
I've recently started on-again, off-again helping one of my mother's previous clients get back on her feet. This client insists on paying me for the LIGHT housework and company I bring to the table, even when I insist just as politely that what I do is a service of kindness and not for my own personal gain. I find that visiting this person is giving me a bit of confidence in my abilities as a potential caregiver and (as I have told concerned friends) puts me in a situation that is marvelous practice for my eventual calling as a nurse. Admittedly, care-giving is not my focus in nursing. I want to be a midwife. However, the reality may well be that I will have to work as a caregiver to pay the bills between births. So, I look at this not as a chore or a task to be completed and disregarded but as an opportunity to experience the field. I admit freely that I do not perform the same tasks that a caregiver would. I do not administer medication or medical care. I keep this person calm, keep them company and help them in their errands and daily tasks. From my perspective, these are all things a good friend would do, hence my hesitance in accepting monetary recompense for these days. I must give this person credit for their stubbornness. They insist and I accept to keep the peace. After all, I enjoy their company. My mother has brought home horror stories of the people she is having to care for (she is a Medical Assistant working on her RN. Prayers/good thoughts/well-wishes are welcomed), but this deters me little. What I want from life is different from her goals and aspirations, though hers are just as important to me.
I recognize now that living with a pair of friends (even on a temporary basis) is completely different from living with one's parents (pause for cries of 'duh' and other such jibes). I am completely and utterly responsible for my own person and as such, and responsible TO that person as well. It is liberating and frightening to realize that one needs only to answer to oneself. Before the conclusion that I am surprisingly immature is drawn, let me put forth the defense that I was raised to be an independent and accountable adult. Since about the age of six, I have been held responsible for my actions, attitudes and decisions. I was never permitted the 'well, you're a teenager/college student' excuse. I was always taken to task and given appropriate consequences for any infraction. This caused me to be 'too serious for my age' and 'no fun', due to the fact that I would consider a situation before entering into it, weigh the options and then choose whether or not the pros outweighed the cons in my favor. Granted, there were impulsive decisions and life lessons that I could have learned no other way than to blunder into a shit situation and come out scarred and gasping for relief. The wonder and newness I referred to earlier in this paragraph is that up until recently, my first thought was how any given action or attitude would reflect upon my parents and my reputation with them. I never considered what I wanted or what I felt. That was, in my opinion, to be dealt with secondarily if at all. Having gained distance from that, I suddenly felt the need to know what I wanted and what I was about. In order to become what my parents raised me to be, I had to cease thinking of them for two seconds and consider instead using the brain given me and the results of the lessons learned rather than the people involved. Again, on the surface, this seems childish and foolish but it is in fact a large step to make between heart and head. For the past few years since leaving Theatre school, I have repeatedly asked my parents what I was supposed to do. They both replied "do what makes you happy". My response was usually "You're supposed to say that, you're my parents". I wanted to be told what to do, as I had been in the past. It was terrifying to imagine that suddenly, I was in control and therefore held my responsibility to me and me alone.
One morning, I woke up mad at my boyfriend. Literally, I was insulting him at every turn. My best friends finally looked at me and said "so, you're still with him, why?". It gave me pause and I took the better part of the night to think. Why was I in a relationship that frustrated me more than not? Why did I put up with things in my boyfriend that I didn't tolerate from anyone else? Somehow, I cannot tell you how, the questions turned from him to me. Why did I allow in myself what I abhorred in others? Why did I not ACT? Why did I not simply draw a line in the sand and stand up for my beliefs. Staying silent profited me nothing. To quote the Joy Luck Club, it suddenly occurred to me that ". . . . losing him does not matter. It is you who will be found and cherished". I had placed all my emotions in others and their happiness. I had relinquished control of my life. Screaming electric guitars rang out in my mind as Rage Against the Machine played on a stage of all my mistakes and self-deprecating summations.I had to "take the power back". To the best of my knowledge, I am still with Sjach. I still have all my friends that I did when I had this revelation. What I have, what I gained, is an inner calm. I am willing now, more than ever, to give everything up if that is what must be. Nothing is withheld from God anymore. In return, I feel suddenly more myself than I have ever been. Yes, there will be bills. Yes, there are tasks I would rather not undertake. Yes, there are still times I am upset with the way my life is. What I know now is that what has come will pass, if only I have the courage to let the wounds heal rather than keeping them fresh. I must learn to let go. I must learn to see what is mine and seize it. Balance in all things.
Perhaps it's just a bunch of philosophical mumbo-jumbo that won't mean anything to me in a year. I have a feeling it's more, though.
This is the beginning of my seventh year as a furry. I made the transition to active in a YC Chatroom in 2004. On again, off again, I have been a lurker, a writer, an artist and a pack member, but I have been here.
I intend to stay.
A New One-Shot
Posted 14 years agoShameless plug here.
I just put a new story in scraps. A one-shot I wrote down because I couldn't stand not to. It's un petit rien, a little nothing, which condemned it to scraps. Enjoy it, or don't.
Either way, I need to get some sleep before sunup.
Love and good food,
Lenka
I just put a new story in scraps. A one-shot I wrote down because I couldn't stand not to. It's un petit rien, a little nothing, which condemned it to scraps. Enjoy it, or don't.
Either way, I need to get some sleep before sunup.
Love and good food,
Lenka
Ommwriter Journal (Thanks a Million, Holydust!!!!)
Posted 14 years agoSimply put, this is quite a lovely new experience. Though I have to say, the experience of all the tools disappearing takes some getting used to. I think this was a good move, however. The past few minutes have more than made up for the hassle of trying repeatedly to download and failing to do so.
That said, I will now move on to the reason I wanted this program in the first place- better journaling free from the distraction of all the tool menus and whatnot that other programs come with.
One of my favorite artists recommended this program to me, and I have to follow her formula for getting her thoughts and impressions of the day down, at least to start. It seems that this sort of reflective therapy would do wonders for me, particularly in the arena of my anger management and better releasing my depression.
Before I go any further in this, Thanks, Holydust!
10 things I'm grateful for today:
-Mustard. I'm truly grateful that someone decided to grind the seed of this tree and make such a delicious condiment, even if it does make a friend of mine go into allergic shock.
-Oxytocin. The "Bonding" Hormone. Release can be triggered by thing I'm grateful for #3-
-Chocolate. I adore this South American alkaloid and thank God for it every time I have it.
-Ommwriter. This program helps me focus immensely on the task at hand and organizing my thoughts has never been easier. However, it is a bit simple for many used to the complexity of MSWord or Open Office.
-Pork. It may not be the cleanest meat on the planet, but it is delicious.
-Soft breezes that just caress your cheek and allow your hair to be parted from your neck. To me, it feels as though God is caressing me as a loving parent does with a beloved child.
-The Food Network. This network not only keeps me distracted when I need it, it also is one of the few channels I can stand to have on all day.
-The show 'My Fair Wedding'. David Tutera may have a sense of style that doesn't always agree with mine, but I can pick his brain for great ideas for Bazil and Lin's eventual wedding during this show. It's an inspiration I'm grateful for and a show we will all watch
and comment on.
-Lawry's Seasoning Salt. If there was a spice called 'win', it would be this blend. I grew up on it and the only thing I won't use it in is baked goods. It is delicious, versatile, and the salt to Tabasco's pepper.
-Lavender. This herb does wonders for my nerves and my attitude. Just one smell of this sweet and spicy herb and I'm suddenly focused and everything that is bothering me becomes absolutely within the arena of things I can handle. Truly a gift from God.
I notice that my ten things are mostly culinary. That doesn't necessarily bother me- I'm a foodie. I enjoy food and the way it can bring people together. Many of the things that make me happy in my memory have food involved.
One nice thing I did for someone else: I made a very nice dinner for Bazil and Lin tonight- Pork loin chops with a warm mushroom, cabbage, celery and onion relish served in a creamy mustard sauce. I also served cheesy (Think au gratin) potatoes as a starch with this meal.
One nice thing someone else did for me: Tylre gave me a point-by-point critique of my Facebook Note today. It gave me a much-needed reality check and truly touched me. I cried and then smiled until I blushed from how much my cheeks hurt. Have you ever noticed how smiling after you cry makes your cheeks cramp up? What is with that?
I feel: Really good right now, like I've been to see a therapist. I don't have all my problems tackled, but I do have a new perspective on them. That in turn is making life easier.
I want: To be seen and recognized. To be cherished as an individual. To get as good as I'm giving. And vice versa. I've just now made the decision that save for spell check, I will make no editorial strikeouts in this journaling process. My life doesn't have erasers. Why should the place where I record my thoughts?
My goals for tomorrow are:
1. Make Bread. At least 2 loaves.
2. Write on my novel. It has been sorely neglected of late and I think it needs my attention.
3. Make something sweet to help remind me that not all in life is bitter. Possibly Jello. Because its fun.
4.Get in contact with someone I've not talked to in a week or more.
5. When I am in a neutral mood, write down what is bothering me of late and determine what it is I am going to do about it.
That said, I will now move on to the reason I wanted this program in the first place- better journaling free from the distraction of all the tool menus and whatnot that other programs come with.
One of my favorite artists recommended this program to me, and I have to follow her formula for getting her thoughts and impressions of the day down, at least to start. It seems that this sort of reflective therapy would do wonders for me, particularly in the arena of my anger management and better releasing my depression.
Before I go any further in this, Thanks, Holydust!
10 things I'm grateful for today:
-Mustard. I'm truly grateful that someone decided to grind the seed of this tree and make such a delicious condiment, even if it does make a friend of mine go into allergic shock.
-Oxytocin. The "Bonding" Hormone. Release can be triggered by thing I'm grateful for #3-
-Chocolate. I adore this South American alkaloid and thank God for it every time I have it.
-Ommwriter. This program helps me focus immensely on the task at hand and organizing my thoughts has never been easier. However, it is a bit simple for many used to the complexity of MSWord or Open Office.
-Pork. It may not be the cleanest meat on the planet, but it is delicious.
-Soft breezes that just caress your cheek and allow your hair to be parted from your neck. To me, it feels as though God is caressing me as a loving parent does with a beloved child.
-The Food Network. This network not only keeps me distracted when I need it, it also is one of the few channels I can stand to have on all day.
-The show 'My Fair Wedding'. David Tutera may have a sense of style that doesn't always agree with mine, but I can pick his brain for great ideas for Bazil and Lin's eventual wedding during this show. It's an inspiration I'm grateful for and a show we will all watch
and comment on.
-Lawry's Seasoning Salt. If there was a spice called 'win', it would be this blend. I grew up on it and the only thing I won't use it in is baked goods. It is delicious, versatile, and the salt to Tabasco's pepper.
-Lavender. This herb does wonders for my nerves and my attitude. Just one smell of this sweet and spicy herb and I'm suddenly focused and everything that is bothering me becomes absolutely within the arena of things I can handle. Truly a gift from God.
I notice that my ten things are mostly culinary. That doesn't necessarily bother me- I'm a foodie. I enjoy food and the way it can bring people together. Many of the things that make me happy in my memory have food involved.
One nice thing I did for someone else: I made a very nice dinner for Bazil and Lin tonight- Pork loin chops with a warm mushroom, cabbage, celery and onion relish served in a creamy mustard sauce. I also served cheesy (Think au gratin) potatoes as a starch with this meal.
One nice thing someone else did for me: Tylre gave me a point-by-point critique of my Facebook Note today. It gave me a much-needed reality check and truly touched me. I cried and then smiled until I blushed from how much my cheeks hurt. Have you ever noticed how smiling after you cry makes your cheeks cramp up? What is with that?
I feel: Really good right now, like I've been to see a therapist. I don't have all my problems tackled, but I do have a new perspective on them. That in turn is making life easier.
I want: To be seen and recognized. To be cherished as an individual. To get as good as I'm giving. And vice versa. I've just now made the decision that save for spell check, I will make no editorial strikeouts in this journaling process. My life doesn't have erasers. Why should the place where I record my thoughts?
My goals for tomorrow are:
1. Make Bread. At least 2 loaves.
2. Write on my novel. It has been sorely neglected of late and I think it needs my attention.
3. Make something sweet to help remind me that not all in life is bitter. Possibly Jello. Because its fun.
4.Get in contact with someone I've not talked to in a week or more.
5. When I am in a neutral mood, write down what is bothering me of late and determine what it is I am going to do about it.
F this . . .?
Posted 14 years agoYes, I broke down and did it. I have an F-List now. Enjoy!
Lenka Rahab.
I actually surprised MYSELF with some of the kinks I highlighted. . .
Lenka Rahab.
I actually surprised MYSELF with some of the kinks I highlighted. . .
Thanks again!
Posted 14 years agoWOO-HOOO! 202 views as of this writing! I feel sorta kinda less underground. Shortest journal evar. Much love, FA!
Les Poisson, Les Poission . . . (& Never Alone)
Posted 14 years agoNow that I have images from The Little Mermaid firmly in your head. . .
A charming yet quite frustrating European tradition stems from the changing of the calendar lo those many years ago. A certain French king decided at one point that he was going to change New Year's Day from 1 d'avril to 1 d'janvier.
If you've ever wondered why the majority of society gets crocked in the middle of winter and not a more pleasant time of year like April or (my favorite) October, this is why. Blame Charlie. Of France.
News being slow to travel back in the olden days, those who were not in the fashionable know or chose to stubbornly keep to the old date of New Year's were dubbed the fish of April, or to use the French, "Les poisson d'avril". It became the fashion to prank people on this date by attaching small fish to their backs and giggling. Like the silly people we still are.
Not to be outdone, other countries soon began to indulge in "April Fool's" jests until it became an epidemic, a disease, a parasitic lamprey on the butt of humanity!!
*Tosses aside soapbox and rips down flag.* Yuk it up, fuzzball.
My point being, there is a fine history behind the April Fool's prank, one I have even indulged in. I was tempted (PLEASE note, TEMPTED) to call up my boyfriend and give him a righteous scare yesterday. I chose not to, mostly because it is nigh-impossible to get a hold of that boy on anything that can be considered a weekend. That, and karma is a pimp and I'm it's bitch.
I broke my usual self-imposed vow of social avoidance on this infamous date to check on my FA account. If Facebook is blue heroin, then what do you call something I could give up FB for? Lo and behold, I see that one of my favored artists has posted.
I looked at the subject line with incredulity. I didn't believe it! This had to be investigated at all costs!
I was pranked.
She got me good.
likeshine, you cunning genius! I can only admire you for this! You alone have the honor of being the sole person to pull the wool over my eyes and dupe me!
Well done and brava! *Thunderous applause!* I'd send props, but I know you prefer cookies.
That aside, we had a busy day yesterday. My best friend Lin got an apartment a month ago, but because of one thing and another, we're still camping out on air mattresses and the sole chair in the place is the one reserved for computing. Mostly, this is due to the fact that her things are still in her parent's house or in mine. I don't mind waiting on her, though. What I mind is the fact that to preserve my own sanity and a portion of my physical health, I'd rather camp out on an air mattress and share seating.
in her hometown, she has waiting: a couch, a bed, at least three bookshelves, an entertainment center, a TV, a laptop she got in 2004, and various and sundry items collected over the twenty years she lived with her parents.
Her boyfriend, Bazil, brings: another entertainment center (solid oak), another TV, An XBox 360 Elite, a Nintendo Wii, an SNES, a NES, a desktop computer (2008-ish), a laptop (2003-ish), a futon, a corner desk, and various and sundries he got from living with his parents for 20 years.
Lin bought a TV yesterday to help out a friend of a friend, so that brings the total up to three. One more, and there can be a TV in every room in the place, including the bathroom.
This to me is a special type of insanity. Lin and Baz agree, there will be a surplus of boob tubes in the place. I think the only reason the newest one was even bought was out of kindness to this acquaintance of ours. Little matter, though. It's their money, and I'm not gonna tell them how to spend it. I do, however, reserve the right to giggle at the thought of a 27" TV in a bathroom that has maybe 36 inches of free space.
I have enjoyed staying here and do look at the prospect of returning to my parents with mixed emotions. This is mostly because I recognize that my health (mental and otherwise) suffers in that house anymore.
My parents love me and would do just about anything for me. They have taken in my friends until said friends were ready and able to stand on their own feet. Part of the problem is, two of the housemates seem to insist on a rivalry that at least I can see the point of, but not understand the magnitude of. To bitch just a little, this is all one of them talks about. Every derisive statement has a joke about the other person involved in it. He has yet to understand that my silence on the matter is not tacit agreement but instead is diplomacy.
The other doesn't seem to care one way or another about anything that doesn't directly affect him or his agenda unless confronted, then it becomes a matter of personal honor (or testosterone-laden poorly handled aggression) to get louder and more threatening until the other person backs down or illustrates that there will be no backing down. Due respect to both of these males for their discipline thus far. They are both usually prone to physical altercation when pushed beyond what they consider their limits and have walked away from such altercations on numerous occasions from numerous individuals, myself included.
Those of you that know me should be thinking along the lines of "Wait, Lenka? Physically engaging someone? In violence?" Yes. I got that angry and had to be held back by four of the best people I know. There are parts of that night I only recall because I was told them. I don't remember half of what happened. I experienced adrenaline blackout. I decided that a strategic retreat was in order. Not to surrender, but to gather my mental strength back before I snapped where either one of them was concerned.
My father, person he is, refuses steadfastly to evict either person from the house. He is quietly insistent that they will eventually learn, because he will not tolerate any other course of action. I wish I had the faith he does. I do. I I note here that I do not pray for it, because the way God likes to grant such things is through experience. I don't want that. I may need it, but I will not be fool enough to ask for it.
The immature 'victim' in me wants to whine about how my father is pushing everyone away for the sake of two contentious pretending to be adults. The adult in me wants to see this as an act of faith on my father's part and laud him for it, even to the point of being there to support him. The cruel fact of the matter is, it is better for my mental, emotional, and physical health to be away from the bitter rivalry, the constant griping, the knife-like tension and the constant haze of cigarette smoke from a father who smokes moderately (less than he ever has since starting the habit, to tell the truth). Supposedly, the other housemate has quit for reasons of his own health, but I will believe it when I see it. To be honest, I haven't been around TO see it. I spent less than an hour at my parent's house yesterday and I am still feeling a burning in the back of my nose and purging it as best I can. I want so badly to be where I feel I have my responsibilities, but at the same time, I need to take care of myself.
I don't want sympathy, or even answers. I just want to say my piece and move on from there. I can hear in the back of my head saying as many have in the not-so-distant past, "man up". I can tell you one thing about this phrase:
I've heard it my entire life and I'm getting sick of it. So much of my life has been forced on me. There are things I freely admit to being my fault entirely and things that I will admit have my contribution all over them. I recall a time, however, when a certain blue reptile was crying on my shoulder about how hard his life got. I didn't tell him to "man up". I let him cry and reassured him of life's good points, of my love for him (platonic as it was), and of the support network he had pulling for him. I guess I want that now. I want to be able to go to someone who isn't part of the situation, tell them what's going on, and be assured that I'm not being a victim or a whiner, but that what is going on in my life is actually grossly unfair.
Fairs are for tourists, I've heard time and again. I've SAID it time and again, as well. Life is not fair. It never has been. It's a writhing, sneaking carnival of endurance. (Yeah, yeah, and I need to find black hair dye as well, don't I?) There is also joy in this life. Those moments of joy are there for pressure release and it is important to milk every bit of happiness and goodness out of them so one can survive the shit. I am trying so hard to focus on the good.
My parents love me.
My best friend and her boyfriend are moving in together and have a place of their own- a place where the door is always open to me.
My boyfriend, though inattentive and somewhat absent-minded, loves me dearly when I am in his presence and does take time to talk to me when he can spare a moment.
I have friends and parents that understand me and accept that I am not doing well physically and take only what I can give and ask no more.
My God loves me better than anyone I can find on this earth and I can rest in the arms of God at any time, even when my friends can't be there.
I have more than one family that will defend me to the death if need be.
I'm not addicted to anything.
I'm not bedridden.
I'm not alone in this.
That last thought is what keeps me going more than anything- I am not alone.
I will never be alone. Never again. Not since I avowed myself to God as a child of the Church. Not since I made a more personal vow outside that institution. I am NEVER alone.
I am discouraged. I am confused. But I am not alone.
Point? I'm not sure there was one. What I am sure of is that I needed to meander through those thoughts until I got to the last one.
So, to my pack from the fandom:
Lin-My sister in all but blood, my first lover and my best friend. There is so much I could say here. You've seen me through more than most even know, and you've pushed back when I push everyone away. You are steadfast and a better person than you know.
Bazil- My sister's match, my brother, my lover and my friend. You are the knight in shining armor I never knew I needed. You defend with all you have and you are a man who never stops trying. I couldn't have crafted a better match for my soul's sister.
Sjach- My assassin, my friend, my lover and my lovemate. There are many things to be said about you, but the thing I most often think is you are the best surprise I ever got. You and I may not always agree, but I can love you even in the midst of hating what you've done. You remind me that life is not so serious and nor should I be.
GothWulfe & Yugo- my adopted fathers and friends.
Goth, you took me in and accepted me as yours without even knowing me. You've opened my eyes and guided me through a world I cannot see but have known about all my life. You are as much a father to me as the one who engendered me and I am privileged to have you.
Yugo, you have my back and keep me smiling. Your wrath is terrible and woe to those who incite it. I rest easier knowing that I have you over my shoulder, wielding a frightening weapon and a gleam in your eye that makes most people run away. After the conflict is over, you'll throw off the bad boy and become the 'psycho teddy bear' with a nether wave and a laugh.
Evie- HAIL THE QUEEN of Lesbonia, friend indeed! You are wonderful in your randomness and know the balance of seriousness and goofy. Your heart is large, and is probably the least mundane thing you keep in that bra of holding of yours. Flamingos and love for you, the Queen!
NecromanticWriter- my spazzy friend and formidable ally. You walk the balance and live in a world that frightens the crap out of most of the world- that of the gray. With a flourish and a smirk, you pull off what most people only dream of- a rockstar attitude with a mystical center.
Sabre- You annoy the crap out of me with your attitude some days, but you are loyal to a fault and have never once compromised yourself or your beliefs. Real sabre-dragons wear pink, indeed!
Moony- My shifter and true friend. You understand a lot of where I come from, and that is possibly because you are number 1, so awesome, but number 2, a werewolf empath like myself. I am so glad to have found you and will protect you and yours as best I can. *nose nuzzles and hugs!*
To my blood-birthed pack:
Mom: You have never failed to be there for me and have never once said you didn't love me. For that, I respect you. You have taken in even those whose attitudes or actions you didn't approve of and done your level best to nurture all who enter your house. You've stuck by my father for 29 years, even when you didn't want to. For this, I admire you. You are my mother. For that, and all else, I love you. All fear the NINJA GRYPHON! *giggle!*
Dad- You have faith (and stubbornness) beyond most understanding. You can control feelings as strong if not stronger than my own and do so with a seemingly effortless grace. You nurtured me and were every bit the parent my mother was and still is. You both complement each other and there is nothing you cannot accomplish together. Plus, you're yourself no matter what you do. So, Pygmy Sasquatch, I love you.
So many more. . . Do I even have space for it all? Who knows? I have love for them, and more.
Maybe life ain't so hot.
So what? I have a pack that loves me.
And I am never alone.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
Artist: Barlow Girl
Song: Never Alone
I waited for you today
But You didn't show
No.No.No.
I needed You today
So where did you go?
You told me to call
you said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?
Chorus
I cried out with no reply and
I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone.
And though I can not see You
and I can't explain why.
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life oh
We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
and though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen
Chorus
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone
We cannot separate
You're part of me
and though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen
Chorus
I cried out with no reply
and I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone
A charming yet quite frustrating European tradition stems from the changing of the calendar lo those many years ago. A certain French king decided at one point that he was going to change New Year's Day from 1 d'avril to 1 d'janvier.
If you've ever wondered why the majority of society gets crocked in the middle of winter and not a more pleasant time of year like April or (my favorite) October, this is why. Blame Charlie. Of France.
News being slow to travel back in the olden days, those who were not in the fashionable know or chose to stubbornly keep to the old date of New Year's were dubbed the fish of April, or to use the French, "Les poisson d'avril". It became the fashion to prank people on this date by attaching small fish to their backs and giggling. Like the silly people we still are.
Not to be outdone, other countries soon began to indulge in "April Fool's" jests until it became an epidemic, a disease, a parasitic lamprey on the butt of humanity!!
*Tosses aside soapbox and rips down flag.* Yuk it up, fuzzball.
My point being, there is a fine history behind the April Fool's prank, one I have even indulged in. I was tempted (PLEASE note, TEMPTED) to call up my boyfriend and give him a righteous scare yesterday. I chose not to, mostly because it is nigh-impossible to get a hold of that boy on anything that can be considered a weekend. That, and karma is a pimp and I'm it's bitch.
I broke my usual self-imposed vow of social avoidance on this infamous date to check on my FA account. If Facebook is blue heroin, then what do you call something I could give up FB for? Lo and behold, I see that one of my favored artists has posted.
I looked at the subject line with incredulity. I didn't believe it! This had to be investigated at all costs!
I was pranked.
She got me good.
likeshine, you cunning genius! I can only admire you for this! You alone have the honor of being the sole person to pull the wool over my eyes and dupe me!
Well done and brava! *Thunderous applause!* I'd send props, but I know you prefer cookies.
That aside, we had a busy day yesterday. My best friend Lin got an apartment a month ago, but because of one thing and another, we're still camping out on air mattresses and the sole chair in the place is the one reserved for computing. Mostly, this is due to the fact that her things are still in her parent's house or in mine. I don't mind waiting on her, though. What I mind is the fact that to preserve my own sanity and a portion of my physical health, I'd rather camp out on an air mattress and share seating.
in her hometown, she has waiting: a couch, a bed, at least three bookshelves, an entertainment center, a TV, a laptop she got in 2004, and various and sundry items collected over the twenty years she lived with her parents.
Her boyfriend, Bazil, brings: another entertainment center (solid oak), another TV, An XBox 360 Elite, a Nintendo Wii, an SNES, a NES, a desktop computer (2008-ish), a laptop (2003-ish), a futon, a corner desk, and various and sundries he got from living with his parents for 20 years.
Lin bought a TV yesterday to help out a friend of a friend, so that brings the total up to three. One more, and there can be a TV in every room in the place, including the bathroom.
This to me is a special type of insanity. Lin and Baz agree, there will be a surplus of boob tubes in the place. I think the only reason the newest one was even bought was out of kindness to this acquaintance of ours. Little matter, though. It's their money, and I'm not gonna tell them how to spend it. I do, however, reserve the right to giggle at the thought of a 27" TV in a bathroom that has maybe 36 inches of free space.
I have enjoyed staying here and do look at the prospect of returning to my parents with mixed emotions. This is mostly because I recognize that my health (mental and otherwise) suffers in that house anymore.
My parents love me and would do just about anything for me. They have taken in my friends until said friends were ready and able to stand on their own feet. Part of the problem is, two of the housemates seem to insist on a rivalry that at least I can see the point of, but not understand the magnitude of. To bitch just a little, this is all one of them talks about. Every derisive statement has a joke about the other person involved in it. He has yet to understand that my silence on the matter is not tacit agreement but instead is diplomacy.
The other doesn't seem to care one way or another about anything that doesn't directly affect him or his agenda unless confronted, then it becomes a matter of personal honor (or testosterone-laden poorly handled aggression) to get louder and more threatening until the other person backs down or illustrates that there will be no backing down. Due respect to both of these males for their discipline thus far. They are both usually prone to physical altercation when pushed beyond what they consider their limits and have walked away from such altercations on numerous occasions from numerous individuals, myself included.
Those of you that know me should be thinking along the lines of "Wait, Lenka? Physically engaging someone? In violence?" Yes. I got that angry and had to be held back by four of the best people I know. There are parts of that night I only recall because I was told them. I don't remember half of what happened. I experienced adrenaline blackout. I decided that a strategic retreat was in order. Not to surrender, but to gather my mental strength back before I snapped where either one of them was concerned.
My father, person he is, refuses steadfastly to evict either person from the house. He is quietly insistent that they will eventually learn, because he will not tolerate any other course of action. I wish I had the faith he does. I do. I I note here that I do not pray for it, because the way God likes to grant such things is through experience. I don't want that. I may need it, but I will not be fool enough to ask for it.
The immature 'victim' in me wants to whine about how my father is pushing everyone away for the sake of two contentious pretending to be adults. The adult in me wants to see this as an act of faith on my father's part and laud him for it, even to the point of being there to support him. The cruel fact of the matter is, it is better for my mental, emotional, and physical health to be away from the bitter rivalry, the constant griping, the knife-like tension and the constant haze of cigarette smoke from a father who smokes moderately (less than he ever has since starting the habit, to tell the truth). Supposedly, the other housemate has quit for reasons of his own health, but I will believe it when I see it. To be honest, I haven't been around TO see it. I spent less than an hour at my parent's house yesterday and I am still feeling a burning in the back of my nose and purging it as best I can. I want so badly to be where I feel I have my responsibilities, but at the same time, I need to take care of myself.
I don't want sympathy, or even answers. I just want to say my piece and move on from there. I can hear in the back of my head saying as many have in the not-so-distant past, "man up". I can tell you one thing about this phrase:
I've heard it my entire life and I'm getting sick of it. So much of my life has been forced on me. There are things I freely admit to being my fault entirely and things that I will admit have my contribution all over them. I recall a time, however, when a certain blue reptile was crying on my shoulder about how hard his life got. I didn't tell him to "man up". I let him cry and reassured him of life's good points, of my love for him (platonic as it was), and of the support network he had pulling for him. I guess I want that now. I want to be able to go to someone who isn't part of the situation, tell them what's going on, and be assured that I'm not being a victim or a whiner, but that what is going on in my life is actually grossly unfair.
Fairs are for tourists, I've heard time and again. I've SAID it time and again, as well. Life is not fair. It never has been. It's a writhing, sneaking carnival of endurance. (Yeah, yeah, and I need to find black hair dye as well, don't I?) There is also joy in this life. Those moments of joy are there for pressure release and it is important to milk every bit of happiness and goodness out of them so one can survive the shit. I am trying so hard to focus on the good.
My parents love me.
My best friend and her boyfriend are moving in together and have a place of their own- a place where the door is always open to me.
My boyfriend, though inattentive and somewhat absent-minded, loves me dearly when I am in his presence and does take time to talk to me when he can spare a moment.
I have friends and parents that understand me and accept that I am not doing well physically and take only what I can give and ask no more.
My God loves me better than anyone I can find on this earth and I can rest in the arms of God at any time, even when my friends can't be there.
I have more than one family that will defend me to the death if need be.
I'm not addicted to anything.
I'm not bedridden.
I'm not alone in this.
That last thought is what keeps me going more than anything- I am not alone.
I will never be alone. Never again. Not since I avowed myself to God as a child of the Church. Not since I made a more personal vow outside that institution. I am NEVER alone.
I am discouraged. I am confused. But I am not alone.
Point? I'm not sure there was one. What I am sure of is that I needed to meander through those thoughts until I got to the last one.
So, to my pack from the fandom:
Lin-My sister in all but blood, my first lover and my best friend. There is so much I could say here. You've seen me through more than most even know, and you've pushed back when I push everyone away. You are steadfast and a better person than you know.
Bazil- My sister's match, my brother, my lover and my friend. You are the knight in shining armor I never knew I needed. You defend with all you have and you are a man who never stops trying. I couldn't have crafted a better match for my soul's sister.
Sjach- My assassin, my friend, my lover and my lovemate. There are many things to be said about you, but the thing I most often think is you are the best surprise I ever got. You and I may not always agree, but I can love you even in the midst of hating what you've done. You remind me that life is not so serious and nor should I be.
GothWulfe & Yugo- my adopted fathers and friends.
Goth, you took me in and accepted me as yours without even knowing me. You've opened my eyes and guided me through a world I cannot see but have known about all my life. You are as much a father to me as the one who engendered me and I am privileged to have you.
Yugo, you have my back and keep me smiling. Your wrath is terrible and woe to those who incite it. I rest easier knowing that I have you over my shoulder, wielding a frightening weapon and a gleam in your eye that makes most people run away. After the conflict is over, you'll throw off the bad boy and become the 'psycho teddy bear' with a nether wave and a laugh.
Evie- HAIL THE QUEEN of Lesbonia, friend indeed! You are wonderful in your randomness and know the balance of seriousness and goofy. Your heart is large, and is probably the least mundane thing you keep in that bra of holding of yours. Flamingos and love for you, the Queen!
NecromanticWriter- my spazzy friend and formidable ally. You walk the balance and live in a world that frightens the crap out of most of the world- that of the gray. With a flourish and a smirk, you pull off what most people only dream of- a rockstar attitude with a mystical center.
Sabre- You annoy the crap out of me with your attitude some days, but you are loyal to a fault and have never once compromised yourself or your beliefs. Real sabre-dragons wear pink, indeed!
Moony- My shifter and true friend. You understand a lot of where I come from, and that is possibly because you are number 1, so awesome, but number 2, a werewolf empath like myself. I am so glad to have found you and will protect you and yours as best I can. *nose nuzzles and hugs!*
To my blood-birthed pack:
Mom: You have never failed to be there for me and have never once said you didn't love me. For that, I respect you. You have taken in even those whose attitudes or actions you didn't approve of and done your level best to nurture all who enter your house. You've stuck by my father for 29 years, even when you didn't want to. For this, I admire you. You are my mother. For that, and all else, I love you. All fear the NINJA GRYPHON! *giggle!*
Dad- You have faith (and stubbornness) beyond most understanding. You can control feelings as strong if not stronger than my own and do so with a seemingly effortless grace. You nurtured me and were every bit the parent my mother was and still is. You both complement each other and there is nothing you cannot accomplish together. Plus, you're yourself no matter what you do. So, Pygmy Sasquatch, I love you.
So many more. . . Do I even have space for it all? Who knows? I have love for them, and more.
Maybe life ain't so hot.
So what? I have a pack that loves me.
And I am never alone.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
Artist: Barlow Girl
Song: Never Alone
I waited for you today
But You didn't show
No.No.No.
I needed You today
So where did you go?
You told me to call
you said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?
Chorus
I cried out with no reply and
I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone.
And though I can not see You
and I can't explain why.
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life oh
We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
and though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen
Chorus
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone
We cannot separate
You're part of me
and though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen
Chorus
I cried out with no reply
and I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone
And other things since FL . . .
Posted 14 years agoWARNING!!!!!!!MEANDERING THOUGHTS AHEAD!I've gotten a lot better at blogging since I actually started writing in a journal again.
My English training twitches at starting what is essentially an essay with a signpost sentence, but what are ya gonna do? This is FA, not the New York Times. Though, with the way the internet and liberal media seem to be tied anymore, one couldn't exactly wonder if in a few years, this blog is cited by someone trying to convince others that their worldview is the only acceptable one. Honestly, I'd be flattered and more than a little worried.
But I digress.
Since coming back from staying with Sjach, I've had a number of revelations into not only myself but the people around me. Most of these will strike those who notice as absolute "ka-DUH" comments, but they are my experiences and so I will write about them for the sake of their personal relevance and nothing else.
ON MARRIAGE1) Marriage is still an institution and should be reserved for those in need of institutionalization.
Note 1a- There is very little in the way of evidence supporting that anyone at the moment, in their right mind or out of it, displays any willingness to commit lately. Perhaps it's just my personal worldview, skewed may it be, but it seems to this lupine that getting hitched just ain't the end it once was. At one point, it was a requirement for procreation and was a good business move to boot. Nowadays, good luck getting anyone to admit to wanting to do it other than for the reason that it should exist in the first place- love.
2) The idea of committing to someone for the rest of your life is admirable.
Note 2a- I mean no disrespect to those who have married (or mated, if you prefer). It is also an idea that is becoming less and less formalized. The commitment is becoming more popularly personal, so to speak. By this I mean that one hundred years ago, there was a good deal of bruhaha around committing to one another for life. For many females of the world, this is the crowning glory of their existence until such time as they have a child. I can't number the girls among my friends who have been planning their weddings their entire lives. Lately, however, it seems that many women (and men) are opting for smaller and more intimate ceremonies because they want only family involved in what is -I emphasize this purposely and "loudly"- A PUBLIC DECLARATION OF THEIR DECISION TO COMMIT THEMSELVES TO A SINGLE PERSON FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES.
3) Marriage is impossible between multiple people.
Note 3a- Marriage, as it stands and is socially defined right now, is impossible to bring between more than two people. Commitment, dedication, love- these things are not barred by number. Marriage is. In the traditional marriage service is a line about "forsaking all others". Therefore, there cannot exist a marriage between more than two parties. This is a conflict I still have a good deal of angst about. I love multiple people enough to stay with them the rest of my life. I would commit myself to them and would be loyal to them unto my dying breath. But I have not the recourse to do so under a restrictive majority in which I choose (again, I emphasize) to exist. I do not declare by this that a lifelong bond nearly identical to the bonds of marriage is impossible between multiple parties, only that marriage as it is currently defined is not.
ON POLYAMORY {Marriage note above is also relevant here.}
Polyamory is a special hell on the psyche.
While most are encouraged as children to love one another, there comes a point where that behavior is no longer encouraged for the sake of propriety and simplicity. There are, however, individuals who for whatever reason cannot bring themselves to love only one other person at one time. If this is a hard-wire feature in their makeup or a learned behavior is not relevant to this meandering self-discussion. What is hell on the psyche of this particular person, myself, is that I on one hand want commitment, and on the other have an involved relationship with multiple people. I suppose the part of it that tears at me is that one of the members of my relationship is excluded from this company if you will. Sharing is important to me. While monogamy is admirable, if it goes against one's personal nature, it should not be encouraged. What should be more important in the aforementioned case is trust and communication. It bothers me that one of the people I would gladly spend the rest of my life with is left out to a certain extent due to the personal preferences of another of these parties. I can understand the idea that sexual attractions and preferences are what they are, but I must wonder at times if I'm being fed a line. I of course keep all communication lines open and attempt to understand as best as I can, but I suppose it really is none of my business when one peels away the layers. After all, sex (or the absence thereof) is nobody's business but the parties involved unless otherwise specified.
ON PHYSICAL ATTRACTION VERSUS AFFECTIONPhysical attraction can be the breeding ground for emotional attachment. This is one of the things I adore about the fandom is very often the people one encounters may present their personalities before confronting the idea of physicality. Of course, there is also the question of how much of the fursona is in fact related to the personality of the person using it. One of the things I have had to confront in myself is that the person to whom I am very much physically attracted to and in an involved (if decidedly outside the norm) relationship with has made it clear that I am not of their usual type when it comes to physical attraction. This confuses me on a number of levels.
On one hand, I must issue brownie-point laden props to the person involved for going outside of their erogenous comfort zone. On the other, I cannot, for the life of me, imagine why this has occurred and continues to do so. I was lucky in my first serious relationship. The person to whom I was attracted physically and mentally was also attracted to me on the same grounds. The second, the same. I have been lucky in that my relationships have been- for the most part- mutual on all grounds. It is a ticklish and strange thing to be in an involved relationship with a person who -point blank- is not interested in your body type as a rule and is more involved in your personality than your looks.
There are those who would testify that my personality is all I have. After all, my body type went out of vogue when peasants became indoors and idle and free, active time outside became a luxury. This is something I am willing to allow to pass. After all, I'm not thrilled with my body as it is, but I am finally able to accept it as mine. I am perhaps blessed to have someone who sees my mind and not my waistline. Perfection is not a blessing I have been given, thank God and all that goes with the Almighty. I don't want that gig, not in a million years. Bringing peace to this train of thought is still elusive at best.
ON OWNERSHIPIt is not only required of me to do so, but it is also liberating in the extreme to own my life, my thoughts, and my future in as much as a Christian can. While others offer their advice which I am free to disagree with or even argue with, I must be the determining factor in my life and no one- however well-meaning they may be, can or should have the license to TELL me what it is I must do or where I must go. I am free in that, at least. I also must take ownership of my responsibilities to myself as well as to others. What I must be careful of in that arena is excess.
________________________________________________________________________
Conceivable point- none. Merely a few observations I wanted to jot down before I forgot them, not that I imagine that would happen easily. With all my love, FA: enjoy, don't enjoy, agree, disagree. As you like.
Sex Meme (Stolen from Sjach)
Posted 14 years ago1. Is there anyone on your friends list you would ever consider having sex with?
Yes, because I'm not in the habit of having sex with enemies.
2. Sex in the morning, afternoon or night?
Affirmative. I'm more of a midnight or crack-of-dawn person. I like times of transition.
3. What side of the bed do you sleep on?
Whichever side is free- I share it with two other people! My one rule- I will never sleep with a window at my back IF I CAN HELP IT.
4. Do you masturbate?
Yep. And I'm so clinical about it, it's no fun to watch. Been told I make nice noises, though.
5. How often? Lately?
Usually not often. I like to deprive myself. :P The last time I masturbated was . . . good God, a month to the day.
6. Have you ever taken your clothes off for money?
Not seen my IRL pics, have we? No, I've never stripped for money.
7. Do you prefer showers or baths?
Baths. With company.
8. Have you ever had sex in the shower or the bath?
Yep. Requires a bit of flexibility, but damn is it hot.
9. Do you watch/read pornography?
Occasionally, but more for the laughs than the horny. I write it when I'm horny.
10. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed?
Agressive. Truth be told, I want a switch that leans more to the aggressive. I DO have my rough moments.
11. Do you love someone on your friends list?
Yes, but I wonder about why occasionally.
12. Do you know all the people on your friends list?
Not all of them personally. I'm pretty good about getting a feel for someone before including them in my network. That or I'm their fangirl.
13. Would you choose love or money?
Love. Got enough tools in my life, thanks.
14. Your top three favorite kinks in bed?
(Define kink?)
1. Biting/Nibbling/Teeth
2. Scruffing (It's a canine thang.)
3. Dirty Talk (MUST BE DONE WELL, none of this $5 clearance porn B.S.)
15. Has anyone ever gone beyond your personal line of respect sexually?
Yes, but I hung in there and was happy that I did- my partner's involvement is important to me.
16. Where is the most romantic place you have had sex?
Can't say as I've been romanced a lot. . . but I have to say that there is nothing more romantic than making love when no one plans it- it just happens.
17. Where is the weirdest place you have had sex?
Parking lot outside of a local concert venue. Thank God it's isolated. The only time I've thought "Did that really just happen".
18. Have you ever been caught having sex?
Never in the act- but post-coitus, yes.
19. Have you ever been to a strip club?
Nope. always wanted to, though.
20. Ever been to a bar just to get sex?
No. but I ended up getting it anyway! From the guy my friend was hitting on- that was the most awkward threesome EVER!
21. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club for sexual reasons?
Nope. I'm usually on my best behavior in such places.
22. Ever been picked up in a bar?
See #20.
23. Have you ever kissed or had sex with someone of the same sex?
Yes.
24. Sexual orientation?
Pansexual. Damn, does cast iron get me hot! XP
25. Had sex in a movie theater?
Nah, I care about the movies I see too much. I can have sex at home for free.
26. Had sex in a bathroom?
Yes. never a public bathroom, though.
27. Have you ever had sex at work?
Aw, HELL NO.
28. Have you ever been in an "adult" store?
Yep. Two of the local stores have seen me so much they know me by preference and candy tastes.
29. Bought something from an adult store?
Yep. Usually candy. Hard to get Pop Rocks anywhere else around here.
30. Do you own any sex toys?
Mmm-hmm.
31. If yes, how many and what are they?
12. A minivibe from Doc Johnson, a Rub My Ducky (for the Lawlz), 9 ft of Japanese Silk Rope, 1 pair furry handcuffs (Black), A jelly vibrating dildo (Also, Doc Johnson), A glass dildo, a butt plug that smells like fruit punch no matter WHAT I do to it, the motor casing from my first vibrator- needs a new sleeve-, Honey Dust, a very well-loved bunny fur, and a "Creamsicle".
32. Does anyone have naughty pics of you or are you on film?
Not that I'm aware of. I used to have a vid of myself deep-thraoting a popsicle, but it got deleted.
33. Have you ever had sex with someone and called them the wrong name?
Does mixing IRL names and fursonas count?
34. Have you ever had phone sex?
No, but I have had people hear me orgasm over the phone when I didn't realize my friend was still on the phone.
35. Have you ever had cyber sex?
Yes. Not lately, though.
36. Do you think oral sex constitutes as a form of intercourse?
Very much so. If it can give you an STD, It's sex.
37. What's your favorite sexual position?
Doggy and Cowgirl, followed closely by laying on my side with my heel digging into my partner's shoulder. . .
38. What's your favorite sex act?
Rimming- Though I can't say as I get to give it or receive it often. Oral fixation's a BITCH!
39. Have you ever had sex with more than one person at a time?
Oh, yes. Comes from being in an open relationship with three other people.
40. Who do you think has the guts to repost this?
Oh, any number of my friends, but prolly Goth.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Yes, because I'm not in the habit of having sex with enemies.
2. Sex in the morning, afternoon or night?
Affirmative. I'm more of a midnight or crack-of-dawn person. I like times of transition.
3. What side of the bed do you sleep on?
Whichever side is free- I share it with two other people! My one rule- I will never sleep with a window at my back IF I CAN HELP IT.
4. Do you masturbate?
Yep. And I'm so clinical about it, it's no fun to watch. Been told I make nice noises, though.
5. How often? Lately?
Usually not often. I like to deprive myself. :P The last time I masturbated was . . . good God, a month to the day.
6. Have you ever taken your clothes off for money?
Not seen my IRL pics, have we? No, I've never stripped for money.
7. Do you prefer showers or baths?
Baths. With company.
8. Have you ever had sex in the shower or the bath?
Yep. Requires a bit of flexibility, but damn is it hot.
9. Do you watch/read pornography?
Occasionally, but more for the laughs than the horny. I write it when I'm horny.
10. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed?
Agressive. Truth be told, I want a switch that leans more to the aggressive. I DO have my rough moments.
11. Do you love someone on your friends list?
Yes, but I wonder about why occasionally.
12. Do you know all the people on your friends list?
Not all of them personally. I'm pretty good about getting a feel for someone before including them in my network. That or I'm their fangirl.
13. Would you choose love or money?
Love. Got enough tools in my life, thanks.
14. Your top three favorite kinks in bed?
(Define kink?)
1. Biting/Nibbling/Teeth
2. Scruffing (It's a canine thang.)
3. Dirty Talk (MUST BE DONE WELL, none of this $5 clearance porn B.S.)
15. Has anyone ever gone beyond your personal line of respect sexually?
Yes, but I hung in there and was happy that I did- my partner's involvement is important to me.
16. Where is the most romantic place you have had sex?
Can't say as I've been romanced a lot. . . but I have to say that there is nothing more romantic than making love when no one plans it- it just happens.
17. Where is the weirdest place you have had sex?
Parking lot outside of a local concert venue. Thank God it's isolated. The only time I've thought "Did that really just happen".
18. Have you ever been caught having sex?
Never in the act- but post-coitus, yes.
19. Have you ever been to a strip club?
Nope. always wanted to, though.
20. Ever been to a bar just to get sex?
No. but I ended up getting it anyway! From the guy my friend was hitting on- that was the most awkward threesome EVER!
21. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club for sexual reasons?
Nope. I'm usually on my best behavior in such places.
22. Ever been picked up in a bar?
See #20.
23. Have you ever kissed or had sex with someone of the same sex?
Yes.
24. Sexual orientation?
Pansexual. Damn, does cast iron get me hot! XP
25. Had sex in a movie theater?
Nah, I care about the movies I see too much. I can have sex at home for free.
26. Had sex in a bathroom?
Yes. never a public bathroom, though.
27. Have you ever had sex at work?
Aw, HELL NO.
28. Have you ever been in an "adult" store?
Yep. Two of the local stores have seen me so much they know me by preference and candy tastes.
29. Bought something from an adult store?
Yep. Usually candy. Hard to get Pop Rocks anywhere else around here.
30. Do you own any sex toys?
Mmm-hmm.
31. If yes, how many and what are they?
12. A minivibe from Doc Johnson, a Rub My Ducky (for the Lawlz), 9 ft of Japanese Silk Rope, 1 pair furry handcuffs (Black), A jelly vibrating dildo (Also, Doc Johnson), A glass dildo, a butt plug that smells like fruit punch no matter WHAT I do to it, the motor casing from my first vibrator- needs a new sleeve-, Honey Dust, a very well-loved bunny fur, and a "Creamsicle".
32. Does anyone have naughty pics of you or are you on film?
Not that I'm aware of. I used to have a vid of myself deep-thraoting a popsicle, but it got deleted.
33. Have you ever had sex with someone and called them the wrong name?
Does mixing IRL names and fursonas count?
34. Have you ever had phone sex?
No, but I have had people hear me orgasm over the phone when I didn't realize my friend was still on the phone.
35. Have you ever had cyber sex?
Yes. Not lately, though.
36. Do you think oral sex constitutes as a form of intercourse?
Very much so. If it can give you an STD, It's sex.
37. What's your favorite sexual position?
Doggy and Cowgirl, followed closely by laying on my side with my heel digging into my partner's shoulder. . .
38. What's your favorite sex act?
Rimming- Though I can't say as I get to give it or receive it often. Oral fixation's a BITCH!
39. Have you ever had sex with more than one person at a time?
Oh, yes. Comes from being in an open relationship with three other people.
40. Who do you think has the guts to repost this?
Oh, any number of my friends, but prolly Goth.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Breakthroughs and Aftershocks (Letting Go)
Posted 14 years agoI've been at Sjach's place for about a week now. A few days ago- Sunday, if memory serves- I had a major breakdown/breakthrough.
I let my uncle go.
For those of you who know me, this should be a "Wait, what?" moment. For those of you who don't, I offer a small and hopefully interesting explanation.
My uncle died the April after I turned 6. This April will mark the 19th anniversary of his death. I was stunned. My life up until that point had been fairly . . . idyllic. Yes, my grandparents on my mother's side were dead before I hit two, but I had my uncles and so they were all the family I needed. Especially Uncle Tommy. He was upper management at a GM plant- read loaded- and I was his special little girl. He'd come home and take off his tailored suit and put on these ratty-ass jeans and a loved-beyond-salvation white tee shirt and bounce around on the couch while Tigger was singing from the new VCR. that all came to a screeching halt on a beautiful April day in 1992. We didn't live close, so it was a rush-around just to get there in time for the funeral. It was cold and rainy the day we buried him, but ever since then I've hated nice days. I may have buried him in the rain, but I watched my mother's heart break on a nice day. I was supposed to play a game of pick-up football with some of my dad's Navy buddies. Instead, I watched a group of grown men struggle to tell a little girl they loved as their own that the man who mattered as much as her own father would never see her again. The funeral was worse still. Rather than sit with my mother and father, for whatever reason- I was made to stand with my paternal grandmother and grandfather. When they called up family to pay their respects, I was held back. My own grandmother, my own blood, held me back from this. I was made to give my respects with "all the others". Like I was a stranger to him. Like I hadn't been the girl he ate Oreos and bologna sandwiches with. After giving my uncle's corpse a kiss on the cheek, I ran to my mother's side and refused to be parted from her. I heard more than one person say "If she's lucky, she won't remember it." I remembered everything.
I realized when I first started dating that I was waiting for men to hurt me. I remembered very little of my primary school years, but I still remember the name and face of the little boy who told me I wasn’t his girlfriend and he never wanted to hear my voice again. I remember the name and face of the boy in second grade who said he would rather die than have a “stupid, ugly, fat cow” like him. I remember any number of bullies, pretty girls and my ‘friends’ who assured me that I would be pretty like them if I stopped eating. The girls I forgave. For some bullshit reason. The guys. . . I never forgot.
I turned into a man-eating raging bitch in high school. I rationalized that if no one liked me, no one could hurt me. I was fucking wrong. They found new ways to hurt me. And despite my best efforts, there were a few in high school that I couldn’t bring myself to be a bitch to. These were the people I called friends. I was brutally honest. That hasn’t changed. I’ve never seen the virtue in being nicey-nicey. You can find diplomatic ways to be honest, but. . . I won’t lie unless I see a damn good reason to do so, and even then I usually end up coming clean because my OS comes with Guilt 3.5 with the Catholic plugin. There was this guy in high school who thought it was amusing or a good use of his time or whatever to verbally abuse me. This went on for a semester. I got my hair cut and cussed me out for it. I wore a red skirt with a black top and he called me a wrist-slicing Goth. Goth, yes, cutter- no. I wore makeup one day and he called me a $2 whore. You get the gist. I had decided that for academic reasons, I wasn’t going to date in high school. College was a different story. Two years after graduating, I enrolled.
I ended up dating in college because I’d never dated. Plain and simple. I wanted to know what all the fuss was about. College was also where I discovered the fandom. After a shit-ton of drama, bad decisions, and bullshit games, I decided that I wasn’t ready for any commitments and broke up with my boyfriend. I also burned a couple of bridges which I still have yet to mend fully. The fandom wasn’t the safe haven I had hoped for, but it was preferable to what was in my head. It kept me distracted. I realized that I was using it as a drug- I was using my fursona to escape my real life. Real life needed to be dealt with, then I could deal with the furriness. This was also the point shit hit the fan in my life. I got sick. Very sick. I lost friends. I made enemies- for the first time in my life. I was told that I was trying to get into a very good friend’s pants behind their significant other’s back- news to me. And I was told that because I was occasionally flippant and blamed inanimate objects jokingly for ‘eating’ my possessions that I had no responsibility. This while I’m busy playing mommy for kids I didn’t have, working a part-time job and going to school full time? I admit, the former was my choice, but JESUS CHRIST on a CUPCAKE, a little slack!
I swore off the bullshit for a while.
That worked SO well. I got into an online relationship with someone on a trip and an extended stay at a friend’s house. Here is where I take responsibility for my own stupidity. I told my online other that I was really interested in someone else. Someone who would most likely forget about me once they returned to the land of beaches and orange juice. Online beau told me that as long as I was happy, he’d step aside. I felt myself retreat into a seeping, breathing pile of filth. I felt dirty. I felt. . . Awful. Heart number two I’d broken. I blamed myself for months. I still do sometimes. Even though my online beau and I are still really good friends. So started a really strange relationship.
When people heard I was dating a military guy, there was a number of congratulations and praise how strong I was and how wonderful my life would be if he got brass, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah. When he got out and I maintained my relationship with him, people treated me like I was stupid. I was holding on to a man who was unable to support me, I was waiting on something that would never happen, I was getting lied to. When people heard the relationship was open- more shit. Never once directed at me, oddly enough. I got so sick of defending him. Why couldn’t these people just be happy I was in a stable long-distance relationship: in itself a miracle. I realized sometime during this relationship (thank you, LIN!) that I was comparing every single man in my life to one who died in 1992.
My uncle.
So I sat on my significant other’s bed on the other while he played Alan Wake in supposed obliviousness. I was having a bit of trouble coming to terms with the reality of the relationship I was in.
Reality 1: *This reality has been censored due to the editor's personal judgment.*
Reality 2: I am possessive as an expression of my insecurity.
Reality 2-A: I am insecure, because he is attractive and is such a catch. This defeats his freedom as a dragon. Not good.
Reality 3: He apparently does not believe in monogamy.
Reality 3-A: I seek comfort in monogamy and define a healthy relationship as a monogamous one.
My model relationship is a monogamous and functional relationship. My relationship is functional, but not monogamous. This barely computes.
Reality 4: I want commitment.
Ever since I can remember, men have left.
It was at this point I realized that I was still expecting men to hurt me. I also had fooled myself into believing that somehow, I deserved it. That pissed me off. I had bought into lies for years. I wanted to cut it out at the root. This meant admitting I was mad at my uncle for dying. For damn near twenty years I had allowed him to be the victim. I had perceived that his effect on my life was one of sadness and loss, but never anger. I was infuriated. How dare he? How dare I? How dare I allow myself to fixate on someone like this? I cried because I couldn’t bring myself to scream. I cried because I was still a six-year-old girl missing her playmate and uncle. I cried because I needed a good cry. Once I had cried so much my eyes ached, I ventured from the bedroom to get a drink. Sjach was sitting on his futon, playing Alan Wake. He paused it and asked if I was all right.
I wanted so badly not to cry in front of him- to be strong and not waver. I failed. Miserably. I ended up crying in his arms and babbling about things I can’t even recall right now. Mostly about how insecure I was around him. And how I hated my uncle for dying. And I hated that I’d held onto it.
Writing this, I realize that there is still a long way to go.
Ironic, isn’t it, that the song playing when I had my breakdown was Pink’s “Long Way to Happy”?
Artist: Pink
Song: Long Way to Happy
Album: I’m Not Dead
One night to you
Lasted six weeks for me
Just a bitter little pill now
Just to try to go to sleep
No more waking up to innocence
Say hello to hesitance
To everyone I meet
Thanks to you years ago
I guess I'll never know
What love means to me but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling
It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy
Left my childhood behind
In a roll away bed
Everything was so damn simple
Now I'm losing my head
Trying to cover up the damage
And pad out all the bruises
To young to know I had it
So it didn't hurt to lose it
Didn't hurt to lose it
(Didn't learn to lose it)
Didn't learn to lose it
No but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling
It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way
Now I'm numb as hell and I can't feel a thing
But don't worry about regret or guilt cause I never knew your name
I just want to thank you
Thank you
From the bottom of my heart
For all the sleepless nights
And for tearing me apart yeah yeah
It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy
It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long long long long way to happy, yeah yeah
Left inthe pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy (happy, happy, happy)
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy (happy, happy, happy)
I let my uncle go.
For those of you who know me, this should be a "Wait, what?" moment. For those of you who don't, I offer a small and hopefully interesting explanation.
My uncle died the April after I turned 6. This April will mark the 19th anniversary of his death. I was stunned. My life up until that point had been fairly . . . idyllic. Yes, my grandparents on my mother's side were dead before I hit two, but I had my uncles and so they were all the family I needed. Especially Uncle Tommy. He was upper management at a GM plant- read loaded- and I was his special little girl. He'd come home and take off his tailored suit and put on these ratty-ass jeans and a loved-beyond-salvation white tee shirt and bounce around on the couch while Tigger was singing from the new VCR. that all came to a screeching halt on a beautiful April day in 1992. We didn't live close, so it was a rush-around just to get there in time for the funeral. It was cold and rainy the day we buried him, but ever since then I've hated nice days. I may have buried him in the rain, but I watched my mother's heart break on a nice day. I was supposed to play a game of pick-up football with some of my dad's Navy buddies. Instead, I watched a group of grown men struggle to tell a little girl they loved as their own that the man who mattered as much as her own father would never see her again. The funeral was worse still. Rather than sit with my mother and father, for whatever reason- I was made to stand with my paternal grandmother and grandfather. When they called up family to pay their respects, I was held back. My own grandmother, my own blood, held me back from this. I was made to give my respects with "all the others". Like I was a stranger to him. Like I hadn't been the girl he ate Oreos and bologna sandwiches with. After giving my uncle's corpse a kiss on the cheek, I ran to my mother's side and refused to be parted from her. I heard more than one person say "If she's lucky, she won't remember it." I remembered everything.
I realized when I first started dating that I was waiting for men to hurt me. I remembered very little of my primary school years, but I still remember the name and face of the little boy who told me I wasn’t his girlfriend and he never wanted to hear my voice again. I remember the name and face of the boy in second grade who said he would rather die than have a “stupid, ugly, fat cow” like him. I remember any number of bullies, pretty girls and my ‘friends’ who assured me that I would be pretty like them if I stopped eating. The girls I forgave. For some bullshit reason. The guys. . . I never forgot.
I turned into a man-eating raging bitch in high school. I rationalized that if no one liked me, no one could hurt me. I was fucking wrong. They found new ways to hurt me. And despite my best efforts, there were a few in high school that I couldn’t bring myself to be a bitch to. These were the people I called friends. I was brutally honest. That hasn’t changed. I’ve never seen the virtue in being nicey-nicey. You can find diplomatic ways to be honest, but. . . I won’t lie unless I see a damn good reason to do so, and even then I usually end up coming clean because my OS comes with Guilt 3.5 with the Catholic plugin. There was this guy in high school who thought it was amusing or a good use of his time or whatever to verbally abuse me. This went on for a semester. I got my hair cut and cussed me out for it. I wore a red skirt with a black top and he called me a wrist-slicing Goth. Goth, yes, cutter- no. I wore makeup one day and he called me a $2 whore. You get the gist. I had decided that for academic reasons, I wasn’t going to date in high school. College was a different story. Two years after graduating, I enrolled.
I ended up dating in college because I’d never dated. Plain and simple. I wanted to know what all the fuss was about. College was also where I discovered the fandom. After a shit-ton of drama, bad decisions, and bullshit games, I decided that I wasn’t ready for any commitments and broke up with my boyfriend. I also burned a couple of bridges which I still have yet to mend fully. The fandom wasn’t the safe haven I had hoped for, but it was preferable to what was in my head. It kept me distracted. I realized that I was using it as a drug- I was using my fursona to escape my real life. Real life needed to be dealt with, then I could deal with the furriness. This was also the point shit hit the fan in my life. I got sick. Very sick. I lost friends. I made enemies- for the first time in my life. I was told that I was trying to get into a very good friend’s pants behind their significant other’s back- news to me. And I was told that because I was occasionally flippant and blamed inanimate objects jokingly for ‘eating’ my possessions that I had no responsibility. This while I’m busy playing mommy for kids I didn’t have, working a part-time job and going to school full time? I admit, the former was my choice, but JESUS CHRIST on a CUPCAKE, a little slack!
I swore off the bullshit for a while.
That worked SO well. I got into an online relationship with someone on a trip and an extended stay at a friend’s house. Here is where I take responsibility for my own stupidity. I told my online other that I was really interested in someone else. Someone who would most likely forget about me once they returned to the land of beaches and orange juice. Online beau told me that as long as I was happy, he’d step aside. I felt myself retreat into a seeping, breathing pile of filth. I felt dirty. I felt. . . Awful. Heart number two I’d broken. I blamed myself for months. I still do sometimes. Even though my online beau and I are still really good friends. So started a really strange relationship.
When people heard I was dating a military guy, there was a number of congratulations and praise how strong I was and how wonderful my life would be if he got brass, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah. When he got out and I maintained my relationship with him, people treated me like I was stupid. I was holding on to a man who was unable to support me, I was waiting on something that would never happen, I was getting lied to. When people heard the relationship was open- more shit. Never once directed at me, oddly enough. I got so sick of defending him. Why couldn’t these people just be happy I was in a stable long-distance relationship: in itself a miracle. I realized sometime during this relationship (thank you, LIN!) that I was comparing every single man in my life to one who died in 1992.
My uncle.
So I sat on my significant other’s bed on the other while he played Alan Wake in supposed obliviousness. I was having a bit of trouble coming to terms with the reality of the relationship I was in.
Reality 1: *This reality has been censored due to the editor's personal judgment.*
Reality 2: I am possessive as an expression of my insecurity.
Reality 2-A: I am insecure, because he is attractive and is such a catch. This defeats his freedom as a dragon. Not good.
Reality 3: He apparently does not believe in monogamy.
Reality 3-A: I seek comfort in monogamy and define a healthy relationship as a monogamous one.
My model relationship is a monogamous and functional relationship. My relationship is functional, but not monogamous. This barely computes.
Reality 4: I want commitment.
Ever since I can remember, men have left.
It was at this point I realized that I was still expecting men to hurt me. I also had fooled myself into believing that somehow, I deserved it. That pissed me off. I had bought into lies for years. I wanted to cut it out at the root. This meant admitting I was mad at my uncle for dying. For damn near twenty years I had allowed him to be the victim. I had perceived that his effect on my life was one of sadness and loss, but never anger. I was infuriated. How dare he? How dare I? How dare I allow myself to fixate on someone like this? I cried because I couldn’t bring myself to scream. I cried because I was still a six-year-old girl missing her playmate and uncle. I cried because I needed a good cry. Once I had cried so much my eyes ached, I ventured from the bedroom to get a drink. Sjach was sitting on his futon, playing Alan Wake. He paused it and asked if I was all right.
I wanted so badly not to cry in front of him- to be strong and not waver. I failed. Miserably. I ended up crying in his arms and babbling about things I can’t even recall right now. Mostly about how insecure I was around him. And how I hated my uncle for dying. And I hated that I’d held onto it.
Writing this, I realize that there is still a long way to go.
Ironic, isn’t it, that the song playing when I had my breakdown was Pink’s “Long Way to Happy”?
Artist: Pink
Song: Long Way to Happy
Album: I’m Not Dead
One night to you
Lasted six weeks for me
Just a bitter little pill now
Just to try to go to sleep
No more waking up to innocence
Say hello to hesitance
To everyone I meet
Thanks to you years ago
I guess I'll never know
What love means to me but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling
It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy
Left my childhood behind
In a roll away bed
Everything was so damn simple
Now I'm losing my head
Trying to cover up the damage
And pad out all the bruises
To young to know I had it
So it didn't hurt to lose it
Didn't hurt to lose it
(Didn't learn to lose it)
Didn't learn to lose it
No but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling
It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way
Now I'm numb as hell and I can't feel a thing
But don't worry about regret or guilt cause I never knew your name
I just want to thank you
Thank you
From the bottom of my heart
For all the sleepless nights
And for tearing me apart yeah yeah
It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy
It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long long long long way to happy, yeah yeah
Left inthe pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy (happy, happy, happy)
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy (happy, happy, happy)
A Lion with a Restraining Order . . .
Posted 15 years agoSo recently, a certain social networking site was rife with pictures of anthropomorphic celebrities- namely, cartoon characters for a good cause! A part of me was going through my acquaintances on said site and mentally ticking off people. It went a little like this.
"Confirmed Furry."
"Confirmed Furry."
"Confirmed Furry."
"Confirmed Furry."
"Closeted Furry."
"Closeted Furry."
"Confirm- wait, didn't they leave the fandom?"
"Lion's got a restraining order on that one."
"Too Weird for the Fandom"
"Wouldn't get it."
"WHAT THE!!! WHAT'S AN X-MEN CHARACTER DOING IN MY FURRY GOODNESS?- Oh, that's my best friend. Furry."
"Closet."
"Restraining order."
Repeat ad nauseum. So, I had a "Wait a minute" moment, and suddenly realized something.
Once you're in it, you'll never get free. SO!
-If you've ever fapped about the Beast
-If you look at Bugs Bunny and think "Cross-dressing metrosexual" (with class, hence the gloves)
-If you ever see plushies in a store and get more excited about them than the kids around you
-If your favorite show as a child had no humans in it
-If you see half-naked celebrities at the Oscars and it does nothing for you, but a picture of a mouse straddling a fence makes you excuse yourself . . .
-If you thought Pokemon would be improved by Bulbasaur having a "tentacle rape" attack, then were overjoyed at discovering Furoticon, which feeds two addictions . . .
Come sit by me.
"Confirmed Furry."
"Confirmed Furry."
"Confirmed Furry."
"Confirmed Furry."
"Closeted Furry."
"Closeted Furry."
"Confirm- wait, didn't they leave the fandom?"
"Lion's got a restraining order on that one."
"Too Weird for the Fandom"
"Wouldn't get it."
"WHAT THE!!! WHAT'S AN X-MEN CHARACTER DOING IN MY FURRY GOODNESS?- Oh, that's my best friend. Furry."
"Closet."
"Restraining order."
Repeat ad nauseum. So, I had a "Wait a minute" moment, and suddenly realized something.
Once you're in it, you'll never get free. SO!
-If you've ever fapped about the Beast
-If you look at Bugs Bunny and think "Cross-dressing metrosexual" (with class, hence the gloves)
-If you ever see plushies in a store and get more excited about them than the kids around you
-If your favorite show as a child had no humans in it
-If you see half-naked celebrities at the Oscars and it does nothing for you, but a picture of a mouse straddling a fence makes you excuse yourself . . .
-If you thought Pokemon would be improved by Bulbasaur having a "tentacle rape" attack, then were overjoyed at discovering Furoticon, which feeds two addictions . . .
Come sit by me.
