Okay, so. A lot of bad shit has happened. Most of the people who know me have a general idea of how fucked up my situation is.

Without going into a lot of detail, this is the gist of it: I am under a guardianship, so I have no legal rights, and I am under Missouri Department of Mental Health "care" so my guardian can enforce some really awful things to deny me autonomy and cut me off from communication. The thing is, I am not actually disabled, and I am probably more capable of taking care of myself than most people are. I won't go into all the circumstances here.

In May of 2015, I was admitted into a local psych ward under false pretenses. The company which had been providing me "support" wanted me gone because I was becoming an expensive liability to them for reasons that were mainly their fault.

I woke up one morning and there were two police officers in my bedroom. They told me I was being taken in for evaluation, but not why. When I got to the hospital, I initially was not told anything about why I was there, and when people finally started telling me, I got multiple contradictory stories that had never happened and made no sense.

I was held there for some time, and when I was released I had nowhere to go because the company which had provided my living situation had dismissed me from their care. I was sent to a living facility elsewhere in the state, where I lived in complete isolation and received persistent demeaning treatment, including explosive outbursts and threats of physical harm by staff.

Months later, I believe in October of '15, I was finally returned to my home city under the care of a new company. However, my guardian suddenly became much more strict, cutting me off from internet access completely, taking away my cell phone, and insisting that any phone conversation I have be supervised.

This is the situation I live in. I am under constant supervision with no privacy, no autonomy, no say over anything that goes on in my life. I am only able to get online now secretly, in the midst of about the only gap in supervision I get, using wi-fi at the gym. As well, I am only able to get online using my 3DS, which is completely incompatible with most means of communication.

This is why I have been gone, and there is no telling how much longer these limitations will be a problem. I keep fighting for my freedom, fighting for my basic rights, but progress may be slow and it has not gone well so far,

I would appreciate any support that anyone might be willing to give me- Regardless, this journal is here to let everyone know what's going on.

I hope everyone else is doing better than I am.

I disappeared for a long time for reasons beyond my control, and I'll try and get another journal up about that, but for now, everyone should just know that I'm back!

I did send some people notes from another account, seianverian. That -is- me.

However, I'm stuck on 3DS and can't use any form of IMs! Contact me here through notes, or at my new gmail (my old one is inaccessible, perhaps permanently) verianseian[at]gmail.com .

I'm not talking about specifically sexual abuse! But I'm curious if, statistically, there's anything to indicate that living in an abusive environment might delay one's development of sexuality, or influence someone to be permanently asexual (not celibate).

This isn't just a totally random idea- I lived in an abusive environment as a child. No sexual or physical abuse, but very pervasive emotional abuse, my mother always undermined my confidence and general stifled me, it's really caused a lot of problems. Well, I was asexual and sex repulsed until I was around 18. This by itself doesn't really raise an eyebrow- But I know of at least one or two other people who also lived in abusive environments and are either asexual or nearly asexual.

Does anyone know anything about this subject? Does there seem to be much correlation here, or are these incidents likely isolated? I'm curious about other people's experience and knowledge on the subject.

I'm absolutely not trying to imply that there's anything wrong with being asexual! But given the experiences of myself and my friends, I can't help being curious about this.

So. I'm making a game, or trying to. It's going to be using RPGMaker VX Ace. Gameplay details aren't figured out yet but I've got a good overall story framework, some cool ideas, and it'll have some very good LGBT representation (yes, including the T! There will be at least two trans people in the main party).

It's still at the very beginning stages, all that's figured out is some story stuff. Whether it will be furry or not depends ENTIRELY on my ability to recruit artists, and unfortunately I have no money to pay anyone with.

I'm trying to recruit help to work on this game! Most important is artists, but people to assist me with story details are welcome as well. I am the main story dev, period, but people who give helpful suggestions will get Special Thanks and anyone who takes a dedicated role helping me flesh things out and make them as good as possible will get a title in the credits. Will of course need to work on the battle engine and all gameplay aspects, as well as locations and the like. Music is good too!

Anyone who is interested in helping me out with this project, please help! And please feel free to ask artist friends if they have any free time to help out with this.

At this stage, it's undetermined whether this will be a commercial prospect or not, but even if it is I don't expect to make huge profits.

I’m scared. Okay? I’m really scared. I’ve been through a lot. I went through 18 years of emotional abuse, and from there I went into a home where I initially felt liberated, but then felt trapped. It nearly killed me. I made desperate decisions not based on material benefit, but on attempts at salvaging something of my emotional health. They were risky decisions. Those decisions did not go through, but they may now be contributing to what is terrifying me deeply. Just… Read for a bit, will you?

So… I’m autistic, for those that do not know. I have some difficulties with social things, with anxiety, some other issues. I don’t deal with stress well, or anger. Because of this, I’ve been receiving assistance from the state of Missouri. That assistance has, at times, come with strings attached, however, or so I’ve been told. I do know that those strings, whether they were attached to what I was told they were, had tremendously negative impact on my life.

My internet access, which kept me sane, was taken away, and then kept restricted, for a long time. My sole outlet, which allowed me to keep in contact with my friends, the only people that I cared about… It was taken away. I was told that I was addicted, that I needed to be shielded from myself. That I’d made bad decisions and so needed to be watched, and limited.

The feeling of being trapped, controlled, pushed me toward the edge. I barely hung on, and in desperation, once, I made plans to leave, with someone I didn’t know well. I was desperate for companionship, for freedom. I needed SOME way out of where I was, even if it ran the risk of destroying me, because I was slowly dying.

I was caught before it happened, and it didn’t go through. But I did get to leave, and I’m in a situation where I have much more freedom than I did before… But I’m not sure why the rules were changed. I think they might have been imposed at the old house by my host parents, not by the state, despite what I’d been told. There’s been evidence of other lies by them, so it wouldn’t surprise me.

Somewhere along the way, I was hospitalized twice for being suicidal. I never attempted, and I was… “voluntarily” committed, though the second time I just didn’t have enough will to resist it despite my terror. This probably has something to do with the problem I’m having now.

Anyway, right now, I have as much internet access as I could ever want, and I’ve been fairly happy, able to interact with my friends and do things. But there’s something that’s been looming over me, that I’ve managed to not let get to me until recently, but it’s haunting me.

They want to put me under a guardianship. My autonomy would be stripped away, basically all decisions about my life would be made by someone else. Legal decisions, medical decisions, who I can and cannot see. Total authority over me.

There are others with worse issues than I have that don’t have their ability to make decisions for themselves stripped away. There are people who waste their life away, don’t even TRY to improve it, who destroy themselves and yet are allowed to. So why me? I don’t know. I have some vague ideas of the reasons they’re trying to say I need it, they’re saying I don’t make good decisions for myself.

That doesn’t justify taking my autonomy away. That doesn’t justify my living in fear that my ability to talk with my friends when I want, or to even see them ever, will be taken away. And I’m certain that with this, they could take that away. They could cut off my internet, they could check every person that I ever want to meet up with and stop it from happening. I don’t trust anyone who would be a likely candidate for the guardianship not to impose their will on me because of what they think is better, overriding my wishes for MY life.

I’m scared. And I don’t know how to fight this. And I guess I just… I want some way out. And I want support. I want… Something. More than anything I just want freedom. I’m so tired of living with people having absolute power over me that they’re ready and willing to exercise. I’ve lived it my whole life. It nearly killed me. Ultimately, I want to LIVE. And I’m tired of people trying to stop that from happening.

So, Iroki was sleepy rambling last night. This was the result:

[2:49:27 AM] Iroki: You
[2:49:31 AM] Iroki: Have a bagona
[2:49:36 AM] Iroki: There's a penis in mine
[2:49:39 AM] Iroki: I'm a vagina
[2:49:45 AM] Iroki: Welcome to dicklannnnd
[2:49:50 AM] Iroki: May I take your fucking order
[2:50:04 AM] Iroki: I'll have a dick with a side of testicles >:C
[2:50:06 AM] Seian Verian: Ahahahahaa
[2:50:28 AM] Iroki: VERY GOOD THATLL BE RIGJT THE FUCK OUT THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATRONAGE
[2:50:58 AM] Seian Verian: Oh my god you're amazing
[2:51:03 AM] Seian Verian: I love you so much
[2:51:05 AM] Iroki: Have a murry fucking day you fuck

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5013189/

She's currently homeless and needs money to return home.

Does it ever stop hurting?

I'm so tired... It always hurts. It never stops. It's always been there, and it seems to be getting worse. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I can barely manage to pass the time. Nothing helps. I've been to the hospital, more than once, it doesn't fix it. It hurts to exist.

It seems like the pain is who I am, now. I feel stupid, useless, worthless, I just want it to end. I only hold on, barely, because I don't want to hurt my friends... But I want to die. I've never really wanted to live, but the pain is becoming overwhelming.

What am I supposed to do?

My mother died this morning. It's about time for a chorus of "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" to break out.

Okay. So I haven’t been around these past two weeks. I’m not sure how many people here noticed, but I know a lot of my friends have been worried. Probably for good reason. But… Here’s the whole situation.

Basically, I’d been feeling trapped. Very trapped. Like I had no freedom. And I kept being treated like an ungrateful child who wasn’t allowed to suffer and needed to be shielded from himself. I ended up making plans with a friend of mine to move to South Dakota. I knew there were a fuckton of problems with this plan, but I was incredibly desperate, and so I figured I’d just have to make it work. When I was planning it, I felt more hope, more joy in me than I had ever experienced in my life. I could not sit still.


Then I got found out. And talked down out of it. Told how I wouldn’t have any money, I’d be in debt, a bunch of things I’d already figured out… Then told that I wouldn’t be able to hold a job. That I wasn’t emotionally capable of handling it.

I guess I kind of deflated. The next day, I went to see my counselor. I don’t remember much of that session, but one piece in it still stands out in my mind. My counselor was talking about how my internet relationships were “unrealistic” and kept going on and on about things. Finally, I said “What I’m getting from this is that I’m not suited for reality.” Her response? “That’s a good observation.”

…Everything else she said from that point didn’t really matter, even clarifications of how she really didn’t mean it badly, most people’s problems are the same thing, that can be changed. It didn’t matter. When she said that, something was struck deep inside me. Venom I’d long internalized went straight to my heart. I didn’t react just then, but on the way home, it wormed inside me. I started crying uncontrollably. I felt like stupid, weak, selfish, useless, worthless coward. Every poisonous thing of my incapabilities and my failings I’d been told crushed me.

I managed to stop crying that day. I still felt bad.

The next day, though, it started up again. I was in math class, and I’d just broken down. One of my caretakers was standing outside so I wouldn’t skip. I wasn’t trusted. I was never trusted. I sat there, sobbing in math class until my teacher asked me to leave.

I went to see my psychiatrist. We waited a long time. Several times I said, “Maybe I should just go outside and jump in front of a car. Skip all this waiting.” I didn’t. But the thought was there. The desire was there. I wanted to die.

My psychiatrist referred me to the hospital he usually works at to get treatment and medication adjustments. I stayed there from that day, Wednesday, til Friday of the next week, today. I start going through electroconvulsive therapy, and I got some new medication. Now I’m finally back, and on my way to moving out soon to somewhere with more independence. Not South Dakota though, this time. I’m staying around here for now. But… Hopefully it should help.

Okay. Um. I posted before that I need out of my current situation. I’m not sure that I made it clear how important it is. Anyone who sees this, please, PLEASE signal boost if you can’t help directly. Because I am dying. Not physically, emotionally. I am standing at the precipice of final despair, and resisting being pushed toward it. I believe that I will kill myself if things continue this way.

I live in a place where I am trapped and have very little freedom. I feel completely powerless over my life. I don’t have possessions of my own, even my computer is not my own, as I recently found out. I am being taken care of, given food, and a lot of time and effort is being expended on me. However, my lack of freedom, the lack of ANYTHING of my own, and my continued restricted access to the internet and thus to my friends is causing me severe problems.

This has been an ongoing issue. It is a chronic stressor that is fueling my anxiety and depression. I have spoken with my counselor and the people I am living with about my problems and received no satisfactory changes. I know that my pain is not entirely rational. I know that I am emotionally unstable, extremely vulnerable, and do not control myself well. I KNOW I have many faults. But my specific psychology is making it so that I am slowly dying here.

This issue has exploded more than once. It has exploded many times. Each time, I feel worse and worse. Several months ago I was worried about BECOMING suicidal. Now, I am having more suicidal ideations than I’ve ever had before. I have no personal will to live and I am ONLY clinging on for my friends. Without them, I would die.

I am highly unskilled in life and in jobs and in whatever. If I go out on my own I will lose medical insurance, schooling, everything I have. Walking out blindly is asking for disaster. But staying here, judging by how it has gone, will be even worse. Never mind that due to certain reasons, I would need to go to court to go out on my own, and I do not have

Please. Help me. I need DRASTIC change if I’m even going to survive. If things go wrong again, I do believe it will push me over the edge. I’m not just asking for help. I’m asking for someone to save me, because I am dying. Everyone with any ideas, ANYTHING to give, please give them. Even if you don’t, spread the word, ask for help.

My life is in the balance. I’m trying to find something, but I need to ask for help as well. I do not know what to do.

So. Last night I had a fight with my captors >_>

I've been incredibly sick of bullshit restrictions, my displeasure was somewhat displayed, and things escalated. Apparently I'm banned from even using my own computer for a week. Their justification is that it's not actually my computer, it's theirs and they let me use it. You know what, fine. So I have NOTHING of my own that matters at fucking all. They get to toss some toys into my little cage and take them away as they see fit. And I'm supposed to be grateful.

I'm actually at school right now typing because I can't do ANYTHING at home. I'm supposed to be in class but... No, I can't just disappear without a word.

Right now I really don't know what I'm going to do. I'm incredibly angry, and honestly very depressed. My friends are the only thing keeping me away from suicide, and I keep having my access restricted. Now I'm not supposed to be able to see them for a week.

I know that I can't keep going on like this. I need out. I can't just keep going on with people jerking me around and telling me what I can and cannot do, presuming what's best for me. I need to find a way out. If that means I end up having to beg and whore myself out until I can get a pro bono attorney or something to get me out of the state program I'm in, maybe that's what I'll have to do. And then I'll be on the street and trying to find somewhere to live and some way to survive.

I really don't know. I know that I cannot continue like this. Anyone who reads this, help me try to figure out some kind of resources to use to get out. If I stay here, I will almost certainly kill myself. I have no serious will to live, I only want to be with my loved ones. My current situation is not allowing me to sustain myself.

I NEED out. No matter the cost. If anyone has a home to offer, some idea how to get myself out of this predicament, ANY way to help, I need it.

Can I survive? Do I want to? I’m at odds with the world. All the cruelty, all the limitations. The petty judgments of society, the bindings keeping us within the bounds of even reality itself. Loss, death, everything. And in the middle of it all, crucial parts of who I am will leave me hated by the world. I can’t stand to hide. It hurts. Fine, I don’t need to be universally accepted, though I hate running into shit. But I don’t want to be hunted down.

I don’t know if things will stay safe anywhere. They’re not safe here, for me. Not in most of the world. And even if they were, there’s still so much wrong. So much I cannot accept that others will defend, or otherwise are near impossible to change. If not completely impossible.

I hate society. I hate the world. I hate all of the cruelty and death and bindings and everything that goes on. I care for individuals, but in collectives I just see wrongness and evil. Everything is wrong. I cannot accept it.

And I don’t think I’m strong enough to face the world. I’m weak. And I’m probably going to constantly be hurt through my entire life. Seeing those close to me wounded, clinging to what hurts them, being swallowed up by the great dark masses of collective cruelty. Maybe all of us will vanish.

I wish the rest would too.

So. One of the dogs here died. I can’t say he’s my dog, but I was very attached to him. He was… Fourteen years old. Golden retriever/Chow mix. Very sweet, calm, wonderful dog. He’d been slowly wasting away for a while, losing a lot of weight despite eating well. So something was taking the calories. For the past few days he was dizzy. Really dizzy. He could barely walk straight, and he couldn’t go up or down steps at all without help. He probably had brain cancer. Whatever it was, he was miserable and wasn’t going to last might longer.


This… This morning, we took him in to be put to sleep. There were eight of us there in the room with him. We kept petting him, giving him affection and attention in his final moments. And I… I sang to him. I hope he heard it. I hope he liked it.

I miss him.

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4459285/

Just... Signal boosting.

No longer in critical emotional condition.

I'm still not doing great, but my life is no longer equivalent to an extended panic attack. I'll survive for a little while longer.

Until my emotions explode again. Who knows when that will be!

Every factor of my life is monitored, and dependent on someone else. Every single thing. I’m in a state program for mentally disabled people because of an Asperger’s diagnosis I received when I was younger. Okay, that’s something that’s relatively minor and it’s not even its own diagnosis anymore. It does not impede me in any great way despite being related to my anxiety, which relates to other neurotic issues such as depression and in my case a certain degree of paranoia. Okay. Nothing that some light medication and counseling can’t fix (or at least get under control).

The thing is, under this state program. Okay. I get housing, I get food, I get medical insurance and I’m able to go to school. I also can’t really get a job because Medicaid will take all the money I get from it, due to Social Security already meeting the allotted income allowed. Which, actually, ONLY pays for rent and utilities and the like. Which, while I’m grateful for that much, still leaves me with only $60 a month in money I can actually spend for myself.

I also have my internet time restricted due to certain rules. I’ll admit freely, I have social issues. I have emotional barriers and difficulties expressing myself and processing things properly in speech. I have never formed deep emotional connections in person. I DO form incredibly deep ones online. I have people who I have never touched, whose voices I have never heard, that I would give my life for.

This program I am under also somewhat impedes my ability to meet said people in person. So I’m lonely. It’s painful.

Ultimately though, what I find most consistently destructive, is a lack of feeling control in my life. I can’t really choose where I go. I need to be watched at all times. The pages I go on the internet are tracked, the logs of what I SAID to people used to be tracked. I’m monitored and watched and need to be supervised at all times, even though I’m not a danger to myself or others. It wears.

And I also know nothing of how to really do anything. I have no skills, I don’t know how to research, I don’t know how to navigate the government and find how things work. I don’t really fully understand my life situation, and no one can just tell me everything even if they want.

And, ultimately, I’m completely under other people’s power. They could destroy my life if they wanted. Due to odd circumstances best not mentioned publicly, they risk their own safety by not doing so. I’m grateful for this, but the sensation of having no power, of being in the palm of someone else’s hand… I’m tired of it. I’ve never been free in all the twenty years of my life and I’m tired of it.

And, I cannot escape. I cannot leave the state program without going to court, which requires an attorney. I do not have funds to hire an attorney. Even if I did, I wouldn’t know where to go, because I lack the life skills to take care of myself.

So I feel helpless, and trapped, and my mind seeks a way to lash out. And every time I do, I cause problems for myself and others. This is what hurts. While it’s not always crippling, I always feel the weight on some level, and it keeps exploding over and over again. What I’m suffering from now is the effects of one such explosion.

Oh, and I’m also told that the state can pretty much at any moment put me under a guardianship and come in, shoot me with a booty dart, and keep me sedated into non-sentience for the rest of my life.

I need out. I'm trapped. I'm insecure, have no skills, don't know how to live on my own or how to find out, I'm fucking terrified of everything. But I don't feel safe. I don't feel like I can trust those around me. I'm not sure of anything, except that I've been trapped my entire life and I need out. I can't keep sitting here so utterly under someone else's power.


Help. Someone. Please.

I keep losing people. Again, and again. With so little warning... Just suddenly pushed away. One, then another, then another... Three friends within a month. Three people I truly cared about. Done with me.

...Am I so terrible to be around? Am I just.... Is so much wrong with me? Am I doomed to feel loss again, and again, and again?

I feel sick...

What do you do when loneliness and monotony slowly crush you, and there's nothing you can do about it?

What do you do when it feels like creativity has disappeared, there's not enough motivation to even attempt to channel it and draw it out? When it feels like all capability of productivity is gone, and everything you do is just passing time until something that seems an eternity away?

What happens when everything you care about is beyond your reach, and there's nothing you can do about it, no escape from where you are, without your future unraveling completely?


Right now, all I can think to do is cry.