I don't like having my deadname in the username so I moved. I'm going to delete everything off of this account besides art Ive done for other people.


My new account. Come watch if you want.

https://www.furaffinity.net/user/lucaloveless/

My mother says that because I do not act like a man that I am not trans. That I am going through a phase. I just keep being pushed farther and farther under the water. Soon it will be too deep for me to be able to swim up and I will drown.

This shit with my mother is really terrible on my mental health. Ive just been completely depressed after months of being really okay. I'm just not able to take anyone elses problems on. I want to help but I'm going through a lot of pain and heartbreak right now. I just hope that people can understand that I want to help but I'm mentally not capable of it at the moment. I'm having a really hard time reaching out to people. And a lot of my friends are bad with that too so I feel pretty isolated sometimes. I know its not their fault and they have stuff their going through too. I want to help them but I feel so incredibly weighed down right now. I feel like a bad friend because I cant help people. I just feel bad in general.

The abuse is becoming worse and worse every single time. Two days before my birthday my mother made reservations to watch the new west side story movie. Because of my trauma I tried to bring up the fact that it would trigger my PTSD due to a part in the movie where a woman is held down and almost raped. She got insanely angry at me and said that I will no longer have a birthday and I will no longer have christmas. She screamed in my face and told me Im disgusting and ungrateful. I went to see the movie on my birthday on the 15th. I have been having PTSD nightmares every single night since then. Im exhausted from lack of sleep. I got into an arguement with my partner and he went to cool off. My mother started screaming at me and getting inches from my face and telling me how disgusting and horrible I am. How I ruined her life. How I ruin everything. I got up to try and apologize to my partner and she screamed after me how I better get the fuck out of the room and how I was no longer welcome to have dinner with the family. I broke down in front of my partner and I told him to go eat dinner with my family to appease my mother and so she wouldnt come after me again. So I was forced to be apart from him and to be by myself so that she wouldnt come after me. After everyone was done eating she comes to my room and "invites" me to come eat dinner. Everything was cold and she sat there staring at me the entire time as I ate. After ever seperate food I ate she would ask me how I liked it. She was grinning the entire time. After the green beans she would ask me how it was. After the potatoes she asked me how it was. After the lamb she asked me how it was. I'm wondering when she starts to get violent again. She stopped hitting me when I got bigger then her. She keeps bringing up how I need to lose weight when I have already drastically cut my food intake down. Im losing weight but I guess I can cut back more if it means that she might leave me alone. I kinda just want to kill myself and have the pain stop. But I cant do that to my partners. I am unwell emotionally. All I have is my rps with my partners and my characters. Thats whats keeping me alive. I dont know what to do anymore. She keeps deadnaming me even though she knows I go by Luca now. She refuses to use my pronouns. I just want to scream and I'm breaking down more and more. I dont know how much longer I can keep up like this with so little sleep. I need help. I need to escape but Im stuck here with her. Ive given up mostly. I was feeling so much better and then she made me see that movie and told me that she wouldnt celebrate my birthday or christmas. Im trying so hard to be a good person but Im just not. Im a terrible human being and I deserve to die. I deserve nothing and I should just let myself die. I know that nobody truly likes me. She's right about me, I'm nothing but a parasite.

I would like to do more art but I've been a bit down lately so I'm having a hard time with motivation. Last time I drew was for my best friend Pluto's birthday. I liked it but I feel like I have so much to learn anatomy wise and my bodies look so damn stiff and I feel like they don't look good so its making me feel insecure about my art. I'm having a hard time overall I guess.

Something happened between me and my mother a few days before my birthday that really messed me up. I won't go into it publicly but I'm trying to pull myself out of this funk. Gotta keep clawing to the surface. Ive been doing really well overall and its frustrating to be in this funk after working so hard to get better emotionally. The TMS worked wonders for me but this shit with my mother has me really fucked up. Ive been mostly keeping to myself and my closest friends lately. My friends in my server have been wonderful. I just need time to get over this. Ive been having bad PTSD nightmares recently. I dunno its shit. Its all shit. Dad has been supportive with my coming out as trans to him. My father is wonderful. I want to be happy for him, but with everything that happened with my mother I find it hard to really be positive about much.

Aghh sorry for the vent I guess I'm just trying to crawl to the surface and get out of this hole.


Shout out to

to my partners

- Brady you are always there for me with a snuggle and kiss. You are always so sweet. You support me so much and I love you so much. You do everything you can to support me emotionally. Our rps mean so much to me. I just want to kiss your cute face. I love you so much! You are my cute little draggy ;w; *paps your cheeks gently*


Sid- You always cheer me up with how much of an asshole you are sometimes. You are an asshole in a very charming and endearing way. You rp with me and give me kisses when I want them. And the ass pinches you give as you walk by are always welcome. <3 I love you so much my dear ferret!


And for being the best, best friend ever. We sip the tea and spill it when necessary. I love you so much. Platonic Plutocratic Waifu. Let's watch internet tea videos and talk shit until the end of time. I enjoy our talks and I love Finn so much. Seeing his pictures always cheers me up.

It's my birthday officially. I had a rough few days and I'm trying to just enjoy my birthday for once. I always make myself miserable. But I'm going to try my hardest to just have fun today and have a good day!

It's my birthday on the 15th of this month! I saw some people post christmas wishlists so here's my birthday one! Note I don't expect anything but just putting this out there just in case! XDc


-- Fluff(Cute couples stuff)or NSFW of my sona Luca and his partners or just plain singular art of any of them --
https://toyhou.se/1628351.lillie-br......luca-loveless

https://toyhou.se/6663391.angelo-aragno

https://toyhou.se/13259737.bryce-lafleur

https://toyhou.se/13259746.pierce-white





-- Any kind of art of my renamon sona :3 --

https://toyhou.se/4011334.lillie-the-sakurenamon



-- Any kind of art of any of my main digimon --

https://toyhou.se/LillieBun/charact.....folder:1879511



--Any kind of art of my new character Boris--

https://toyhou.se/865670.boris

My main focus right now is spending time with my two partners, taking time to love them and support them. I am also taking my time in figuring out my exact identity as a trans man. I have not felt open to being my

true self in a decade so I'm just trying as best as I can to just be kind to myself and understand myself. Ive been doing a lot to keep out of trouble and drama because boy does my BPD LOVE to try and toss me into

that kinda shit. I have my amazing friends and I just want to be the best person I can be and stay out of shit. I hold no ill will towards anyone (except for that mother fucker who doxxed me LOL but I took care of that).

I'm just keeping the people I actively reach out to as a minimum but I'm open to talk to whoever wants to. I'm okay with making new friends I just figuring shit out. Love you guys! <3


-Luca

I'm not really active here but I wanted to share the news. I have come out as trans. My partners have been incredibly supportive and I finally feel right! <3 Ive been in a much better place since I came out. I'm unable to come out to family but being able to come out to my friends has really helped me a lot! ^w^

Amazing raffle!

https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10000341/

I recently came out as nonbinary to most of my friends. But I am currently trying to figure out the like specifics of that. So I'm in the process of seeing what fits. So uh I am a She/Her They/Them He/His. Please be patient with me while I figure this stuff out!

I am under the NonBinary umbrella. I don't think I'm really allowed to say I'm under the trans umbrella due to some personal issues. But I'm doing my best to figure this stuff out!


So uhm just please be patient with me. I'm working my way through a lot of things right now.




I hope everyone has an amazing day!

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/42324609/ by my bbq!