Today, something happened in America (or was it yesterday?) and there is something that connects to an old trauma of me.

I heard from a couple people that the man was awful, horrible, homophobic, transphobic and almost everything that a modern leader should be against with. And of course that is horrible, taking peoples birth rights to be themselves, to feel loved and protected. That is cutting away the rights of people.
HOWEVER, i never, under no circumstance wishes for anyone to be shot, stabbed, drowned or in any way being taken their life.

For those that are new to my account, I will tell the story.


A couple years ago, I was an active part of the furfandom in my country, went to parties, cons, birthdays. I reall felt like I had friends. But I also noticed something else. Some people, basically made it there whole person to be at every party possibel. It was always the same group, and even if i felt welcommed, I also felt distance because I couldn't be everywhere.
After around a year, I also noticed I was invited less, people didn't talk to me anymore and some defriended me on facebook (Which was still a hot platform back then) I didn't knew why, and when i asked, people hardly gave a clear answer. It was like... from one moment to another, I was an outcast.
But the real kicker came at a rave party. For context, this party happened a week after the Belgum terrorist attack.
it was late in the evening, around 11 I think. I had my fursuit head on.
For the people that don't know, when you wear one, it really limits your view. Remember how you made a pair of binoculous with your hands as a kid? it's like that. So my view was pretty limited and since it was a rave party all i saw were the lamps of the bar and the laserlights.
It happened real fast. I stood somewhere and felt a tap on my shoulder. When I turned around, the first thing I saw was the barrel of a gun. Before I could evne reallize that, I could hear the trigger being pulled. And then she just walked away. That was it. Nothing said, not even a hate comment or anything. just that.
But that wasn't just the story. After I reallized what happened, i took my bag, told the organisator what happen and went back to the hotelroom.
When I came home the next day, my facebook pm messages were filled, and they all had the same message: 'Stop causing drama, everyone knew the pistol was fake.'

And that is it. I can't stand it when I hear people casually say: 'oh I'm so happy he got shot.' (Yes that happened) When I hear that, I feel almost personally attacked. It feels like saying: 'oh, it was good he was shot. Because it was a bad men.' So does that also justify that barrel to my face, all those years ago, jsut because someone tough I was a bad person?

Now I might say something that will strike, if you agreed to him being shot, you also agreed to me being shot. Then i rather have to get out of my page. because I will NEVER justify gun violation

For those that play, here is my ID: 532958582

So, next week is my birthday (April 18th, YEEEH)
And to be honnest, I never really care about it. I like to be with others on the day itself. But organizing something, it's so fucking hard. Last year I celebrated my birthday twice (When I invited my mom she asked me: 'Your friends won't come right?') And I had to rescedual it two times because the bowling alley forgot they were closed on the day itself.
In the end, like I said, when the moment is there I like it. It's just so hard. If I could choice, I would love to do it all at onc, friends and family.

‘Oh Coldwell, of everything. You didn’t even told your little boyfriend about it.’ Considering Jeffery was almost a head taller then Blake, even with the skates, that was a very courages thing to say. ‘Camden used to be a pro skater, a very good one. He was on his way to reach the finals, against me of course.’ Tobias put his hands on his hips and bowed forward to Camden, still that big, cocky smile on his face. ‘But he dropped the ball. A few days before the final, he disappeared. Not that he stood a change in the first place. After the news got out, I won by default. Not as sweet as kicking your ass personaly, but if you want to chicken. Suits me well.’

After the passing of Musclewolf, I got in contact with Dineegle. Chatting with him, hoping to get him trough the hard times.

Just this morning I heard he has passed. Strangely enough, when I checked my messages on Twitter, they just popped away. But I saw the last messag was from him saying: Sleep Well. I hope you find peace, even if we didn't know eachother that well as others. It hits deeper then I tough.

Did you ever had the feeling of something really good and really bad happening at the same time?
I had that tody.

So, the day started with the fact I would have an evalutation at my work. I work at the Dutch Openair Museum in Arnhem and i really hope to get a contract there.
When we sat down i got a text from my mother, so I called her. And she said that tomorrow, the oldest dog she had will be put down. He would be 16.

The good side is that the evaluation ended with me probably getting a contract at the museum...

So... can you see what I'm in?I don't know what to feel. it feels wrong to be happy, for some reason.

https://www.twitch.tv/materiescoil
let me share. This guy just said if he reached 15 more subs by the end of the month he will have a collar redeem.

So, a couple of you have asked me 'what happened to lawrence' Well, he's back.
https://www.furaffinity.net/user/lawrence.cattle

And it's my 28th birthday. The last year was really the one that I turned around my life workwise I've worked at some pretty high placed spots to finally get a paid job. Like the hotel where some of the Dutch people train for the olympics.


It's one of the first years that I want to celebrate my birthday, and for now it just gives my headaches. I need to celebrate my birthday with family and friends seperated. (Because my mom doesn't want my friends to be when they celebrate it with me) and since my parents are divorced. I have celebrate it with my father's side of the family since I'm out of the house.
First I would celebrate my birthday at the end of the month, but since a fight broke out between two of my friends I invited and the bowling alley called to say they were closed because of King's day. Which I find strange since they didn't when I called first.

Lucky I now found a new workplace at a museum (Still at the restaurant) and I got a call yesterday I can start at the 1st of may, which is good. But at the moment I'm home for almost three months. I want to WOOORK.

So. I write this at 1 am in the morning g but I have to get this off my chest. Fir the last 5 years I felt like I made the wrong decision specially with food. I had periods where I consumed up to 5 bags of chips and 2 bottles of soda a DAY. I'm so done with this.
This night I threw away all soda, all lemonade and all sparkling stuff in my house. Together with all remaining chips. I wanna change it. I need to change it. I'm almost 30 God DAMMIT and I feel like this is my last change.
I'm sorry if this doesn't feel like the right way to say this but when I put my thoughts here I make them official and hopefully I can finally do something about it. More fruit, more veggies and less salt and sugar.
This is something that has been on my mind for almost a year and I hope I'm strong enough to overcome it. It feels like I'm going to stop with drugs or something. But it has to work. I need to.

Today I went to the birthday of my stephmother and it was AMAZING. When you got older you carry your memories. And today was one of those days for me. One of those days I can look back on and say: Remember that day?

After the last couple stories I put up, I did some thinking. For a big amoutn of time I haven't been happy with them. Specially the ends. I always have the idea that I hurry to much. I want to go back to doing it relacing. So... I have taken down a lot of things from my gallery I haven't been proud off and I actually want to upload them again when I feel for it. I also know I have introduced a lot of characters but I want to go back to a smaller cast. Specially those that belong to me the most.
For now, those will only be my main five, Alex, Damian, Leon, Jeffery and Camden. Others are still there, but they have to wait for their stories longer.
I'm so sorry but I think this way I can bring out more quality instead of quantity

So, of course I have read those new rules after Aglo got my attention to it. And I was a little bit confused by those Digimon and Pokemon parts. Since I'm not sure what they mean by 'aging up' Well, I can imagen a thing or two but still. I feel like the digimon and pokemon stories I made are on the edge, and that is a risk I don't want to take.
Here is what I'm gonna do. I'm going to take those stories away. For as small as the chance is that I'm fine, I know there are people out there that are mad ad me. Maybe mad enough to pull a dirty card on me and report.
I'm so sorry for this but I feel like on the long term this is the right choice.
Sadly this does mean that I can't post this month's vote story as it was a digimon story. I will also take out all stories that involve Pokemon and Digimon.
Another thing I have to consider is Alex, in my original idea he was a wereMightyena. But it seems like I'm just going to chance that to Werewolf.
With this journal I hope I have informed you all enough. Even if I suspec thardly anyone reads it.

I'm currently Shinyhunting one in Pokemon SV with mesuda Methode, so i have a lot left.
If you want one, just tell

Before my birthday. I have some great stories for you all

So, it's my birthday this month. Whoho.
I have three stories planned this month, so look forward to that.
Of course the next chapter of The World Behind will be there.
Sadly no voting this month, because I want to fully concentrate on some projects I have slacked off in the last few months. So there will be enough to get up

So, within a month (18th of April) is my birthday. And aside from human stuff I was thinking of what to do.
As first, of Course TWb will come back. if you don't know or are new to my FA page, TWB is a story that I have been working on for a YEAR, and that was only the idea. It is a story about me and some things that happen to me in the past.
I try to upload a chapter every 3 months and just recently I have been able to get a cover art for it.

But back to the idea. So, mostly in a month I do my vote story, but I tough of doing something else.
The once that are more familiar with me might have questions about my characters. My idea is that, at the start of the month, I open a journal where you can post your questions about or to my OC's. Most like a Q&A. But since I'm not real good with art I would turn the answers to small stories. And best of it, they will be canon. So, it will be a Q&S.
I just post this now to see how you think about it. let me know

Some of you might be aware of it already but recently artist panscolipede passed away. I can't say I know him well to say anything about him other than that I hope his mind is in peace now.
But the thing I want to adress here is something else.
Before I say what I want to say that this isn't something to talk about out of rudeness or some kind of cheap way to snatch stuff, it's something I'm really curious about.
I can hear some of you saying: 'Not now, not the time to talk about it.' But than you can answer me when is the time to talk about it.
if that sounds rude or disrespectful I'm sorry. I'm someone that can be quit direct and I have a social connecting problem due to trauma in the past.
I don't want to offent anyone with this neither am i looking for argument or hurting other. This is stuff I'm really curious about.

So, my question is: Who do the sona's belong to of those who passed away?








Now you have time to get over that and maybe understand that disclaimer at the top i will explain.
Everyone who pass away passes to early, we will always feel like they haven't done enough.
In the past I already state that when I pass myself you all have permission to adopt my sona's and use them. You can say that I don't want my guys to fall in a pit of darkness when I'm not around anymore.
Some might not do something like that because they thing it's disrespectful or rude to just snatch a death person's fursona.
But I myself would feel even worse if people would do that. It would feel like my boys will be forgotten when i'm not there anymore. I rather have them remembered.
And that is something I expect others might have never tough about.
What will happen with my sona when I pass?
And I wonder as well how many amazing people that did pass had a simulair vision.

Happy new Year everyone. I hope you all didn't drink that much.
So, 2023 is here which means I want to share my ideas for this year.
I decided that it's time to turn the spotlight a little. For the last two or three years I have focussed on what I call 'group 1' which mostly are my main OC like Leon and Alex. But I have more characters that aren't that fleshed out.
For the first announcement I make will be that my main OC will take the backstage a little and my 'group 2' get more light. Some of them you might know already Like Amir and Jesper. But new faces will also pop up. Like the mysterious superhero Steelwool.

Because I like to keep things open I have made a list with what I hope to achief this year.
Please note these are what I want. Not making them due to whatever reason ain't a bad thing. Most of those involve bigger projects and long term stories.
-Januarie: Snout City and Con City file upload
-Februarie: Steelwool Superhero story.
-Maart: Police Files Chapter 3.
-April: Birthday/tomo TWB chapter 6
-Mei: Uddfest
-Juni Ramon and Otto?
-Juli Police Files chapter 4
-Augustus: TWB chapter 7
-September
-October: Halloween/pecs
-November: Police Files chapter 5.
-December TWB chapter 8

For my last part I probably have to adress the request. Since I closed them I have note that I can relax a lot more. Otherwise I alwase have a request in the back of my mind that I need to finish.
The flip side of that coin is that those request sometimes gave me inspiration for myself and I loved to interact with you guys over it.
So, any conclusion. Well, I think I'm going with the obvious route. Story slots.
I wanted to avoid this but if I don't want to overwork myself and keep the bound with those that do like my work. But I'm pretty sure that there are a couple stories somewhere that I promissed to do and totally forgot.
I will try to use my profile more for it. Let's start with 3 slot for January and see how it go.
The same rules apply as first, please choice between a longer story or a short one. Have a clear idea in mind. If you ask me to make two random characters bang I write what I want with them.

My brother throw a christmas raffle with 6 charactes. Go for it.
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/50086930/

So, I just cleared out the Team Star Plot at Pokemon Scarlet and Violet and I think it's a very decent plot.
Since the game is set in an academical setting it's logical for there to be bullying. I can only imagen that kids these days still have to deal with it.
I had to deal with it, till the point someone tried to murder me at the age of 11.
but, there are some things I like to share.

First of all, I do really like the message they want to give. 'A group is stronger than a person alone.'
However, it did reminds me a little of an old animation show which got broadcast around 2002-2002 Fillmore. Specially the episode A dark Score Settled. In this a group of bullied childeren tried to get back on their bullies by banding together. In the end, each of them took on a bully from someone else. But the head character said: What if bullies bent together to? It's a never ending cycle (Or something simulair)
A third source I would like to add here is the episode Unleash from CSI (Hold you breath it doesn't have to have anything to do with the Fur and Loated episode)
In this episode Nick and Jim find the corpse of Maria Diorio, hanged by a belt. Trough the episode they discover that the girl was bullied in such a way it mentally broke her. At the end of the episode it features a scene where 'the populair once' are arrested during lunchbreak. For the whole school to see. It is still one of my favorite scenes ever.
I think those three plots show simulairities. Yes you can look out for each other, but don't take it to far. Don't become what you hate.
Rebecca Parrem from the YT channel Let me Explain Studios said it in a best way: 'Everyone suffers from something called The Imaginary audience. And everyone will go with this differently. By some it will result in bullying.'
So, as someone that had suffered from bullying till the extreme, I think this kind of attention to the subject is needed. Every year kids and teens still commit suicide because of this.
my luck was that my cab driver gave me the ear and she had the nerves to do what I couldn't. One day she talked to my mother who in return talked to the school dean. it was my luck, but some might not have that. Even if you are on a neutral base with someone, it could help to give them a smile or a friendly handshake. And most important, never go off on something someone told you as a fact. Someone can be really nice.

On that base, I was wondering about Penny. One specific sentence: 'Part of me still want Team Star to go on.' Might she suffer from multiply personality disorder. Or a thick skin she created to get along with the bullying?
In the end, even for a kids game. The plot is very interesting, even for adults. Because Bullying is a problem and might always be.

Recently I notice that my story request have taken a lot of tracking, which I'm very happy with. But with the amount of story requests I have I hardly have time to finish personal work.
Some other things are up to, like how I recently ended in a new work space which sucks a lot of energy since we are in the most bussiest time of the year. For those that doesn't know I'm a waiter.
So, with that. I decided to do something that I hoped I would never do. But I'm going to close down the requests.
I have three stories for others that I wanna finish tomorrow (Yeah, in one day) and after that I will focus on my own projects.
I do this because I notice something, I start to loose interest. I also had this with my youtube channel. I lost my interest in gaming and in de end i choice to close the channel.
I hope everyone understands this. The fan voting will stay open, but if I don't want to loose this hobby, this is the only way for me.

The votes are in and the story will be: Boardgame of Change.
This story is based on one I have read before (link at the end) and the way I want to do it is the follow (warning I will spoil, already)

The story is about a group of people that play a boardgame, but with every card they pull their bodies, memories and personality modify acording to the card they have.
I'm currently busy making the card (didn't want to copy the original to much so I make my own without looking in the old stroy)
The way I will give the cards to the people is that I will use a random number generator and have that select who get which card.
So, it can be that, in the end, some weird combinations will happen. But who knows, that might be a fun thing.

https://www.gayspiralstories.com/story/show/2611

The australian ghost serie Around the Twist?
I ask because their is a story I want to write with this in the back of my mind, for halloween. But that doesn't work if nobody knows the references