Figured i put it here too. Since last week thursday i have 3 weeks off. First week im at the vacation place my parents have. Its been fantastic so far. Besides that we cannot use the shower in the caravan no more. But close to our place is a shower thankfully

After im back home i wanna catch up on comissions. Ive been having pain in my wrist latley and i wanna give it some time to heal.

Anyways. Imma get up out of bed and do nothing todayyy!!

Because i cannot get pregnant myself.

Im born with MRKH. Alot of people know about this already. Its not a secret. But for ones who dont know. Im born without a uteris. Im a woman but its a horrible birth defect. Its nothing more than that.

I cant bare kids myself. While i really want to. And its difficult living with it. If you want kids. But latley im thinking more and more "do i really want kids?"

But yeah it severley can impact my art to the point i just cant draw. It can pull me so low into a hole that i cant get out of at times and its soul crushing

But

I used to draw it alot before i knew i had this condition. And i loved doing so. It gave me comfort. But ever since i knew i just avoid it like the plauge. While i really wanna draw it and atleast enjoy that fantasy. But my brain keeps telling me "You cant do it IRL. So dont bother." Or "You cant have kids and your not allouwed to draw this" ...while i want to at times when i feel good enough to do so.... And there is a little bit of a kink aspect to it too that i like to explore and experiance

Im just often so reluctant to draw it because people did made fun of me before that i cant have kids. Really horrible shit was said to me to hurt me. Tho this was in my deviantart days. Sadly it also came from FA. If people have the guts now to mock me for not being able to have kids as a means to anger me or win an argument....you will be put on blast and crucified by the people who do

Hence i made the journal if you guys were okay with it. I got alot of positive feedback. So i want to try making more of it. Because i was hoping people also have a genuene interest in it.

I dont think it be up for comissions anytime soon. Maybe someday i take pregnancy comissions. Only very sparely.

Its rather personal for me why i dont draw it as often. Yet at the same time i adore drawing it. Then again fantasy is nice and help me cope

You guys be interested in it?

When FA is back up i got a ych ready of Cynder

Sb is 50

AB is 800

Probably gonna wait till the massive storm is over once its back up then upload it haha! I have a feeling alot of people will upload alot all at once. Ill upload it to twitter and FA at the same time. Tho bids hapen here

Just comment to get a invite. Im still posting my drawings in my server at the moment

We also play games every now and then in the server and hang out usually on saturdays

Just post a comment to get a invite!

FA is still not fully up but we can still comment. Might aswell have a little fun

Its really interesting reading what everyone thinks and what people's interests are.

Just curious. Im curious what people like.

But not ready to do anything yet.

We need to install windows on it still. And the drive we used was busted. I gotta wait one more week for it to be ready. But good fucking god im happy with this PC. It looks gorgeous so far!!

Next week im picking him up. Im actually glad so i got time for it to prepare and make space because this thing is FUCKING MASSIVE!!

Happy birthday to me i guess? Im sick in bed with horrible intestinal problems. Postponed alot of stuff. I feel like i let people down and i just feel awful.

Tho i just woke up now and im feeling a little better and i hope it stays that way that im able to function

My pet snake Shela has passed away last night. She was already sick. But whatever she had she couldnt fight it off anymore. She was 16 years old. She already struggled few times with shedding but this one was extremley bad. She was weak and skinny. We managed to take her to the vet but i feel i was too late. We wanted to give her water but she died before we could. I think for the better because needing to forcefeed her was not something i wanted to do to her. But she passed before we could even open the can of food for her. I think it spared her so much pain and misery.

She was always there for me. I saw her being born. Hatch from the egg and grow up. She was always so beautifull. She was a huge rascal too. She bit the snake expert in the hand when she was sexed to see what she was. And she escaped her box after a feeding and my dad found her on the stairs.

I picked her because she was special. She ended up so sweet. She did no harm to anyone. Always curious and flicking her tounge and get into trouble by crawling into things. Or do the absolute funniest shit. Like getting under someone's Tshirt and push out like a xenomorph. Or take a shit on someone.

I gotten her a few months after my brother passed away.....i loved her so much.... And now shes gone....even my fiancee was doing anything he can to save her life he managed to get her shed off and warm her up holding her agaisnt his belly. He also loved her so much because we always joked Shela was his girlfriend because she would crawl under his ass to warm up. He could do anything to her and she was always friendly with him. Daddy's little girl....even when she was gone she looked beautifull.

Monday we bring her to the crematorium. I want her ashes be put in a urn. She was special to me. Special to everyone. Everyone knew her in the family. Shela was loving to everybody. I was always known as the snake lady.....now the snake is gone.

Rest in peace my baby girl. I love you so much. We all did

I updated it in my discord server, twitter and bluesky. I figure i do it here too

The past two days ive been having alot of pain in my left shoulder. I had it checked by the doctor today and she urged me to get Xrays.

I struggle to breathe because of the pain at times and this morning i woke up with severe nerve pain. I went to work but was send home sick right away.

Monday hopefully i know what the hell is going on. She said it felt dislocated and my bones werent entirley on the right spot. It doesnt help my left arm is already weak and prone to get hurt really quickly. But im unable to draw like this. Im struggling to focus because im in so much discomfort and pain. I want to draw so bad but i cant ._.'

Hopefully i know more on monday. Pretty much no work will be done this weekend. I got like 4 drawings lined up to be finished but im afraid it gotta wait. Doesnt help im dealing with a fuckton of anxiety at the moment eighter and making me horribly ill

I feel its not said enough? I think? Im on a sleepdrunk rant here. I also hope i dont piss people off here

But

I remember when i was a smaller artist that bigger ones never really responded to me or anything. And it would irritate me at times. Or that the big artist just take shit from no one and is quick to end the drama. I get the frustration.

However

But now after the years ive grown more as an artist. I feel the tables has been turned. I sometimes feel i need to play 4D chess to keep my head above water when it comes to my work. And having people judging me for some of my actions like blocking....is hurtfull. I try to protect myself from rabid morons. And protect my own sanity.

I talked to more artists about this matter. And some legit hurt to listen to. How much shit they get thrown at them. Just to protect themselves. And very often people just dont give a fuck and play the victim.

People often forget theres another human being on the other end. The person with over 5K or so followers. Their also a human being thats running that account

I realized this a while back and how many people i talked about this. Where people with a large following get the most shit thrown at them and treated like art producing vending machines. Talked shit about because "X didnt listen to me and changed their ways. Their a piece of shit now because of it" the absolute vile shit i seen from their experience saddens me deeply. Or have shit being talked about an artist who just dont deserve to be shittalked.

If for some miracle people read this. Please for the love of god. Treat larger artists with respect.

Some absolutely deserve the shit their getting if they just do not learn from their stupid actions or did heinous shit. But from what i saw that is very rare. Still in this case. Dont fuel the fire.

But artists out there who just want to create some fun content for people to enjoy and earn a extra buck from it. Like me. All i want is to draw comissions, grow a fun community and show off my random shit i put here on the internet. So with the other artists.

Larger artist often have less time to respond because Life, Work, Etc. their also humans and their not always online. Patience and respect goes a long way. Dont be a raging lunatic to demand their attention. It has the adverse effect. Some artists are open for it and some not. Boundaries people!


Sorry for the rant. I had CBD and i just felt the need to drop my thoughts somewere

you know the deal. just drop a comment and you get a invite

HOLYFUCK I DID IT!!!!! Thank you so much for who comissioned me holyshit!!! I still need to finish a few and this Motherfucker needs some hardware so i aint stopping with comissions for a while!!

IT CONTAINS A 4090 ROG STRIX!!!!

Ill spam the shit out of photos and the specs soon!!!

And i got plenty of reasons. Sorry for the vent but im getting fed up right now.

I want to put emphasis as to why. Because yesterday i had a rather unpleasant fellow demanding i unblock them. I do it to protect myself. Because i want to avoid conflict when i can

I said it on twitter too. Here are the reasons that can warrant a block

- too much politics and religion over your profile
- if you hurt me in the past
- if you hurt my friends and im getting warnings about you.
- if you hurt other artists. I communicate with ALOT of them!
- your a drama magnet. Downright seeking it and provoke people.
- if your a scammer
- your a Zoophile or a Pedophile.
- your profile is riddled with red flags. Being mentally unstable and admitting it you are. And my gut telling me to avoid you.
- Being a piece of shit in my discord server. Not listening to my mods
- trying to cancel me. Everyone associated with it and go along with it to try. Kiss your ass goodbye. Also who try cancel other artists for no fucking reason. Please fucking stop
- You pull me into your drama. And or give false info on someone to try to cancel them.
- Broke the rules of my TOS on comissions
- Being a piece of shit directly to me
- Or i genuinely dont like you. (Being a overly sensitive person, asslicker of some kind, etc)


And alot more reasons to come. Because trouble keeps coming my way it seems -_-' i scilently block people to avoid conflict at all. I reconize patterns. Ive dealt with over 50 people i blocked at this point. Im not stupid.

If you make yourself look like a clown like the guy did yesterday. My server had a good laugh. Placing bets how long it will take for them to get banned. You guys are very perceptice. Good on you guys. Thank you

I have boundaries. If your being a dissrespectfull dick and cross those. Your fucked. Simple

All i want is to draw and be left the fuck alone. I work my ass off comissions. Dont waste my time. Keep your drama elsewere.

HAPPYNEWYEAR!!!!! AAAAAAA

If you want access. Comment below!

My fiancée is now here to stay!!!!

For meeting him online on LittleBigPlanet2 back in 2011. After a decade of planning and 6 months of fighting the IND. WE FINNALLY DID IT!!!!! Were living together in the same house now after so long being apart and were doing great together!! Anyways keeping it short. Were gonna make dinner together now haha!!

Type a comment to get access!

Tho if your profile is empty or i find it suspicious im not letting you in

Just wondering if theres anyone here who wants one.

My waiting list is quite long but im trying to go trough them as quickly as possible.

For now i think i pick one. Tho its very reccomended you have discord and join my server because its easier for me to keep track of things and i can stream it.

Leave a comment here to get a invite!!

I figure i drop this here too. Bit of a thought dump

I want to change my game very soon. I have about 3 massive goals i want to reach. When my fiancee is accepted and has a job and all my comissions are done. I want to start a patreon.


Make fanart once a month of characters people vote for with vore. Maybe even nsfw alts aswell. I want to start small. But i got big plans for it. Vore comics and maybe even animations. Depending how well it goes. I need the money for my goals

Wich are

-A new PC.
I want to expand with 3D works too and learn it so i can make models for people and rig them maybe too. And help out other artists with their works. AHEM. What i also really want to do is play VR chat with people and be abit more of a content creator aswell. Uploading fun videos for people to watch and generally interact better with people. I want my dream setup to become even more versatile for work. A better mic too because i been doing some wannabe voiceacting. Hell if i earn enough i could get singing lessons to help with my voice. I might do a food drive to speed up the income for a big PC GOT IT!!

-Extension of my house
Extra space would be really nice. 4 by 6 meters extra. Espechally for the setup i want to get. And a even bigger reason wich is in the next point. I know VR set you need some good space. I know i rent the house i got right now. But the chanse of me leaving is very slim the coming 20 years. Espechally if im not able to get my moms house after she and my stepfather passes. If this is done ill die in this house. I already spend a ungodly amount of hours fixing and painting things in this house. I want to make it as gorgous as i can and be proud of it.

and last

- Adoption papers
My fiancee and i want a child for years. Sadly our prevous plan wont work because the high amount of funds needed for it. So we going to try something more realisticly. However it still costs an ungodly amount of money. And its also one of the biggest reasons i want to extend the house. We only got two bedrooms in this house. one of wich is completley occupied by my computer and Cintiq. And i need alot of space for my setup and want to be able to close a door behind my ass when its not in use to keep it save. With a kid i might need to give up on art or significantly cut the size of my setup. I want the kid to be able to play and have their own space in the house too. Its very likley ill try again on a go fund me and see how many people want to help us out. Its a lifelong dream i have to start a family , be happly married and be successfull. I been dealt really shitty cards in life. I want to turn it around and be happy with my fiancee and child. Be able to travel back and forth to the USA and Netherlands comfortably too to visit my fiancee's family with the kid.

So yeah. I been thinking ALOT about this and i really want to do this. I need to take it step by step

First step right now is wait for the IND to respond and HOPEFULLY accept my fiancee into the country so he can live here with me and have a job.

When my current list of comissions are done im going to begin small on the patreon and hopefully work my way up. And save, build and live. And if it goes REALLY well with patreon. I might quit my job if it earns me enough. But thats wishfull thinking honestly haha!! Im already happy to have a kid with my fiancee trough adoption and being able to travel as much we can.

I think thats all i got really. I just want to be a content creator for people to enjoy and earn some extra from it so i can live comfortably and make people happy.

Im a little quiet as of late in there but i feel im back to normal again very soon.

Life is getting more quiet for me and my fiancee now so we might hang out more in there again soon.

People stream games in there and hang out together even when im not there.

(Yes you know who you are you nerds Haha!!)

Post a comment to get an invite

Hence my inactivity. And im so sorry for it

I had a funeral and a wedding in one single week. Needed to get a metric ton of paperwork ready for my fiancee to keep him here since hes from the USA. The process of it is so fucking complicated and uncertain and its been really stressfull. Ontop of all of it im short on funds.

My motivation is abit fucked to draw much latley aswell. Even with comissions. While i really want to save for a upgrade and for a new PC. Its not possible right now. All the funds i have is keep our heads above water. Worst of all i dont think i can take a fucking vacation and my vacation money is gone aswell.....

I havent been even able to buy myself a birthday present for myself this year eighter and i just turned 30.....

I had abit of a mental breakdown last week because i was in so much pain and i felt kicked down so much. Because everything is so fucking expensive. Ontop of that im sick with a cold!

I know i need to go trough this all with my fiancee. Im really happy were together right now. I just do everything right now to make it permanent.

When thats the case he can look for a job and support the both of us and were able to live more comfortably.

Belive me. Im NOT gone. Im still here. Almost every day i check my server and FA. Not always twitter however. Im just under so much pressure that i just cannot draw much right now. Or have the mental capacity to do much else.

Sorry for the vent on it all. But i been incredibly busy IRL latley. Before it was the house to get it ready before my fiancee is here and now he is. Its one after another. Thank god hes super helpfull in the house. He made me dinner today while i was sick in bed ;-;

Its my birthday again. Im a fokin grandma at this point.