I'm sure I'm not the only one talking about the upcoming convention, but I have been bad about being involved in any kind of social whatever for quite some time. Moving and work and things have really kept me busy, plus anytime I want to get into social media it seems like I'm just there to whine perpetually about my lackluster life.
Whinging aside, I plan to be at FA:U. My bruver and I will both be there staying with another non-ab/dl furry who my bruver knows. He's cool with it, just not involved, or so I'm told. I plan to be focused on being padded and trying to just not be a nuisance to anybody. My, otherwise, mild agoraphobia has been active since my bruver and I moved and I'm not sure how well I'm going to do at the con, but I can always hide in the room with laptop and tablet if I get really distressed.
I have no idea if other ab/dl's will be around, but I'd like to meet up with some if I could. I'm particularly interested in meeting other babyfurs and their 'caretakers'. My bruver is more like a big kid who goes padded sometimes, and as great as he is he doesn't seem to get into the littles side of things like I do.

Here's to hoping this just doesn't find some way of causing me distress. If things go well and I get to make some new friends, I'll consider that a boon. *sweatdrop*

That's what I used to call myself in High School, non-social. I was accused, on numerous occasions, of being anti-social and I would correct folks and tell them they were close but incorrect. Lately, particularly since joining the diaperfur/cub community, I've found myself re-evaluating that statement and I'm worried that it holds true.
I'm weird, or so I feel, about my social life. When it comes to large groups of individuals loosely connected by a theme; work, religion, interest, location, etc; I have a hard time participating on a broad level. I was terrible at keeping up with facebook and twitter, on here I'm almost non-existent, and in any large social setting I just find myself lost.
The only time I get involved is when I establish a single individual stable connection to someone. If I don't focus, very hard, on someone, they seem to almost vanish from my awareness. This is exacerbated when I don't get to see the person in real life.
Now, this may not seem like much of a problem. I just have to go about forming little individual connections with folks who I feel connected to, but I feel like I want more than that. I really do want a community to belong to and be recognized, at least on a lesser degree, within. I want to feel included and informed and not like I'm always just observing other folks social lives instead of having my own. Sure I get involved with small fractures of groups and can keep up with them without too much trouble, but even that will fade off unless circumstance really forces me to stay involved.
I dunno. I suppose I'm wining, first world problems and such.

OMG OMG OMG. I just found out I have to go to the Cincinnati Zoo! They has Aardwolves there, what Cuan is. And I can 'adopt' one and get a certificate and stuffs. Argh! Why aren't money and time infinite!?!

I didn't tell a whole lot of folks, for various reasons, but I just got back from a very long vacation in Florida. I didn't have any kind of proper, private computer to use, so I didn't do much by way of furry or ab/dl community. Not to say that I've been wildly active lately anyway. I am usually good about reading journals, even if I rarely make a response, though that's because usually enough has been said by the time I get there.
I do want to work my way towards becoming a more active...entity. I want to become more involved in the communities I belong to as well as in my own personal life. This past three years of night shift has left me feeling like I've been letting life happen to me more than actually participating in it. This switch to day work was my first big step, and I'm slowly adjusting, but I'm already seeing wild improvements in my demeanor and attitude as well as my drive to get things done.
I think what I'm saying is, hopefully you folks will be seeing more of me around. I may not be able to get out to conventions and things, money isn't that great, but I hope to become at least more of a digital presence.

Tonight I'm back to work at the hospital. I'll be here for 7 days, but after that I move to day shift. Yay! It's going to be an interesting week, my replacement is here learning the ropes, but I'm still going to have to work.
One thing I've learned already tonight is that it's really hard to get my head into 'little space' when I'm here. That's probably a good thing. I don't need to be distracted and asked a question and respond with 'buggies' or something. *sweatdrop* But I also now realize that my 'little space' is kind of that, a separate space for me in my head. It might work out to be a nice retreat, instead of something I abuse and waste, so I think that should work out well.

Well, this is just me putting my thoughts down. I hope I'm not spamming anybodies inbox.

I don't think a lot of furries who know me are gonna know why I wrote 'In the house of flies'. Go look it up, I think it would be worth listening too... >.>

Back on the subject...hehe. I'm changing...not other peoples diapers, no, sorry. But saying that is kind of dumb, really, we're all changing all the time. I'm just really noticing how I'm changing right now, especially looking at my time as a Diaperfur. At first I got into it because I just liked the feel of nice soft padding, and I thought that would be enough. But getting to watch all the other...kids play and have fun and be accepted and stuff... Well, I want to play too.
I also broke up with a boyfriend, who wasn't being the most understanding and I was holding myself back for. Plus I started reading stuff about other AB/DL's and listening to podcasts and got myself on twitter. All the things people talk about being little was...making me kind of jealous. I want to be in on the fun.

So, I dreamed up Cuan. He's an Aardwolf toddler. Aardwolves are a real animal, too, you should read about them. They are amazing. They eat bad insects and help farmers and stuff. They don't do bad things like other wild doggies, like eating sheep and breaking into chicken coops.
It didn't take a whole lot of work for me to figure out exactly how Cuan should be, cause he's exactly how I wanna be...except maybe for eating bugs. But even that, he's not afraid of the few bugs that I am, cause he thinks they're yummy.
But really, Cuan is totally my little me. He's shy and unsure of himself. He wants to make big people notice him and thank him for being a good boy and being helpful. He's not sure about others his age, but if he gets distracted and let's himself play he finds he can be quite comfortable getting along with others. Cuan also loves a sense of...order, kind of. He likes being in a sandbox or playpen, where there are some kind of rules, but he can be creative and express himself, kind of like all my K'nex creations.

So, I would really be happy if anyone wants to say 'hi' to Cuan. He's shy, but eager to get out and be part of the group.

I'm feeling super duper hyper and talkative today. Perhaps it's an overdose of caffeine, I dunno. >.>

I've been listening to the Big Little podcast lately and really investigating the AB/DL lifestyle, both in and outside of the furry community. While it is daunting, considering all the creepy stuff that pervades the subject, I'm slowly working out what it is I want from an AB/DL lifestyle. For instance, I hadn't realized I have a very suppressed little side. Maybe it was being raised by a single mom with no 'proper' father figures except occasionally a grandfather; Perhaps it's just the way the world is going, Age of Aquarius and all that.
Regardless, I have a onesie wearing, paci sucking, adult attention seeking, toddler trying to grasp the reigns in my mind. To give him a sort of outlet I've actually gone off and commissioned the ever-talented  toddlergirl to get a piece done for me. On a side note, she got back to me in less than 24 hours with a sketch. Go commission her if at all possible, she is generous and kind, to say the least.

I also went out padded today with my family. The intent was to spend an afternoon with my mother, getting laundry done. Instead I ended up in a restaurant with her, my Father, and Pop-pop. *sweatdrop* I'm sitting across from two of the most judgmental male figures I respect in my life in a diaper with what I feel is a subtle cloud of baby powder around my person. I'm sure neither even sensed a thing was off, they are both so wrapped up in their little worlds, whether or not they have good reasoning. I did feel, however, that being padded may have given me a certain... caution... strength of character... understanding. I don't know, I just felt like I may have been a little less defensive and judgmental, two things I find exceptionally abhorrent in myself. I did have to consciously tell myself not to 'waddle'... *sweatdrop*

I'm...gonna go have a cuppa, see if that settles my jangling nerves. It did go well, but it was something of a roller coaster.

I just made a twitter account today g_lucrece. I figure there won't be much of note there, but it'll be a place for all my random thoughts.

At least, if I read about this sort of thing I know I cringe. You've been warned, if your squeamish, don't blame me.


Since we got to the new hospital, I work in a pharmacy for a hospital that just opened a new branch, we have had to change a lot of our standard procedures. It's largely meant to increase safety and efficiency, though the total lack of fore-though has made the efficiency thing moot. One of the changes I was most wary of was the new glove boxes.

In the old hospital we had what was considered an 'open air' hood that we used at night to make IV preparations of drugs. I've never been wildly fond of needles, but I'm okay when they're in my hands. I only had a couple minor jabs where I didn't even break skin before. The old method left us with nothing between us and the needles/medication so it was very natural and easy to work with.

The glove boxes have us using a chambered system and a pair of giant gloves to manipulate syringes and IV medications. It's only slightly better than trying to prepare your whole dinner with winter gloves on. Well, this morning I finally slipped up with a needle and put it right in one of my fingers. I didn't leave it in long enough to really measure it, but I'm fairly sure it just sunk right down the bone before I yanked it out.

At first I didn't even feel it. The blood came damn fast, but the pain took at least five minutes to register.

It was, however, one of the few times I panicked. As I said, I don't like needles. I have learned to force myself out of the moment in order to get shots or blood drawn, but I have something of my mother's innate deep fear of the sharp things. I think it's because I have a lot of very old memories of a lot of needle sticks from when I was very young and doctors thought they could fix my stomach problems.

I didn't do anything dumb when it happened; I grabbed an alcohol swab to sanitize the puncture and catch the blood and put pressure on the finger while I hunted for band-aids. I also asked my pharmacist on duty, indirectly, if he could make the IV while I cleaned out the hood. That may sound like nothing, but I DON'T ask for help at work unless I am strictly incapable of doing something.

I just remember feeling panicked for a while after the incident and I was glad I was headed home soon, I don't know if I could have touched another needle. Even just now, when I woke up and felt the finger throb, I just got a small bit of the panic back when I remembered what happened.

I don't know why, I'm just really unsettled by needles I guess. Maybe it wouldn't be/have been so bad if there wasn't so much on my mind, but when isn't there a lot on everyone's mind? I'm not sure what the purpose of this journal entry is, but that's it really...

Sorry to anyone who may have noticed, but I've been kind of AWOL lately. I had a big project of a sort 3 weeks ago then I had a death in the family last week. My Mom-mom passed away, and while it didn't effect me too much I needed to be supportive to the family. It was unfortunate timing for me because I was planning on using this past week to rest and recover, but I've soldiered on. I've read almost no journals and have only really glanced at my submissions list, so I may have missed some things.
I'm apologizing now if I have been out of the loop or if I say something dumb because I've been so distracted. I'm fairly confident I didn't miss much, though. This community always seems to grind on despite my presence or otherwise.
Thanks for your understanding.

I liked  toddlergirl's idea of opening up questions for her fursona. http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2500465/ I don't think I'm going to get quite so many responses, but it could be quite fun.
So, here's the idea. You're asking questions of G. Lucrece, not me. Lucrece will respond as best he can, but he's not comfortable with certain subject matters, to be fair. Don't be surprised if he asks one in return, however.

I try not to whine on here... Quite frankly I try not to whine anywhere, to anyone. I will complain about individual situations if I'm in conversation with someone, but I do my best not to burden others with my trouble. I also acknowledge that most of what I have to whine about are 'first world problems' (eg. my ipod broke, my local shop is out of my favorite bread, etc. Instead of 'I don't have enough food to eat' or 'I can't find any clean water today'.) I'm just really, very worn out and fed up at the moment. I fear I've done something very nasty to my karma, but if it is what I suspect the rule of threes does not seem to be complying here.
Right now, I've got serious intermittent stomach cramps and I'm having to run to the bathroom a lot. I've already had two days with no second employee on my overnight shift and all I'm getting are complaints about how we (the overnight shift) aren't doing enough work or not doing it right. My boss(es) have seen fit to give me more work on a regular basis and haven't seen fit to fill in the shifts in my week that don't have anyone to work them. My direct co-workers keep making or trying to make me do more of their work and then sit around playing games online, I swear to the gods. All of our computers and fancy new gadgets at the new hospital break nearly constantly and I seem to be the only one attempting to and finding the know how to fix them, even when the solution is 'turn it off, turn it on'. If I neglect to hide the tools I use to do my job, my coworkers take or even hide them from me. I feel really alone lately. I do have a boyfriend, which may be news to some of you, though our relationship is open and we have a sort of odd understanding. But recently I must have done something wrong because he said some things that kind of hurt and now I don't feel like he's with me when he's not around anymore.
I'm sorry, I shouldn't be dumping this all out like this, but the pain in my stomach is about enough to push me over the edge. It's the last night of my workweek and I'm going to my parents campground tomorrow to try and relax. I'm just ready to start crying or hitting things and I'm not sure which option will win or which is better.

[Edit] I hit enter before I was finished typing this.

Over on my main account I've finally outed myself as a diaperfur. I think it was the glass of brandy I just inhaled that gave me the confidence. Let's hope this doesn't catch me any serious abuse. I doubt anyone will even notice for quite some time.
If you wanna see my main, it's here  Razeiel. I mostly view art with that account, really.
[Edit edit]
I've moved onto amaretto. That should keep me from realizing what I've done till tomorrow afternoon. By then it should be too late. *cackles and falls over*

So, as I said I was planning to, I went to FA:U this year. My first con in at least two years if not longer. Honestly, I've not done many conventions and I'm still not entirely sure I understand the process. This one was particularly stressful because I was trying to make a gentle push for being a more open about being a diaperfur.
I got a badge done of my magical, padded kitty self by the fantastic  o-kemono. You can see it here http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5798072/ , I'm in the middle row. If you take a close look, you can see that my padding isn't wildly obvious because of the pose. He also managed to get my colors wrong. >_< But I imagine he had a limited color pallet or something, I'm not sure. I didn't want to complain, I didn't pay too much and he did a really fantastic job with the art regardless.
So I wore that badge (in addition to some others) around the con. Most people thought they were shorts or panties, only a couple people caught on to the fact that it was actually a diaper.
The thing is, though, I really wanted to let myself loose and let everyone know the truth, that I am a diaperfur. I'm not entirely sure why that would have been important, but I think it was because then I feel like I could have gone about padded without any guilt. As it was, I only got padded when I went home, I was too uptight to go to the con that way.
The problem is that my friends like to get frisky and we all tease each other a lot. A lot of groping in that area was bound to (and did) take place and I would feel guilty if someone got a surprise in that way. I feel obliged to warn them somehow.
One of the guys who figured it out was an old roommate and his reaction wasn't horrible, but he did give me a moment of the stink-eye. I felt about an inch tall, but did what I always do; I grinned, shrugged my shoulders and said "You know me, I do what I like." He seemed to accept that and said he was just giving me a hard time cause I was his friend, but I still felt just the tiniest bit of rejection. He also said 'just not in my face or in my car/home and I'm fine with it'. But what am I supposed to do with that? "Oh, I can't ride with you, I'll take my car." "Why?" *Blank stare.*

Now I'm in a weird emotional state. I've been known in the fandom for years as the reverse colored moogle. I had an alternate fursona as a black cat with green wings. Now I've created this completely seperate fursona with me as padded, magical, kitty. How do I go from being me from before to now? Do I just announce it on my existing profile? How do I say it?
I also worry about who's going to abandon me if I come out about this more fully. I know, they aren't really my friends if such a little thing makes them hate me or dissociate from me, but...

Also, I drank and smoked way too much this weekend. Part of me feels that if I had gone padded I would have felt a little less vulnerable and not needed the gentle haze of booze to be social.

Tomorrow is the start of FA:U and I'm really feeling it now. I feel so unprepared. You may ask, how should one prepare? Well, I'm a lil' OCD and I like to be assured that I'll have all my medicine, enough to drink, food to eat and supplies to cover anything that should come up. This, all, despite the fact that I'm going to be returning home each night.
I have a lot of debates running in my head right now. I don't know if I should bring my laptop, how early should I be going...and biggest of all, do I dare go padded. It'd be my first time going padded in public. Someone asked me why it mattered, but my friends who plan to be there are somewhat in the habit of grabbing my bum. That could be quite embarrassing to explain if they did.
Part of me says I shouldn't care. If they liked me not padded they shouldn't have a problem with me padded, but I don't know how much rejection I'm gonna be able to tolerate, if it comes to that...

Not want. >.< Need!
I saw  kiddenkatt post this after reading it on  wolfkinglionheart's journal. I need thsese so so so much. When can I has?
http://style.icanhascheezburger.com.....ii-technology/
:: Paces, kneading his paws, his tail wavering as he thinks of how to get a set. ::

All right, I'm definitely feeling the love for pacis now. I've got one in my mouth as I type. I found out that there was a size larger than the one I had, this one is 18m+, so it's considerably more appealing and stays in my mouth. It's also an orthadontic model by nuk, so it feels completely different and a lot more satisfying. I'd still like an adult modeled one, but this will do quite nicely for now.

Also, FA:U is next week. Since I live NJ I was able to get away with not having to pay for a hotel so I'm going. Is anyone else going? I would really be interested to meet other Diaperfurs and Cubs or whatever kind of diaper wearing goofball you are.

Side note: I'm really close to posting a real life picture of myself on the internet with this name. I've never associated my real self with padding or ab/dl stuff before, but I think I'm just about ready to be brave. *sweatdrop*

So I went and signed up for an account on BabyFur.ME. If I haven't found you yet and you want to be friends come find me. :3 http://babyfur.me/profile/Lucrece

I don't really care to be awake, but I am. I was woken by a very bad dream. Usually, when I remember my dreams they just sort of are. They may be illogical and a lot of times I'm struggling in my dreams. This was one of those, however, that wakes me up and leaves me nervous and afraid. Even if I described the dream, it would sound pretty mundane, but it was the emotions involved and the things the dream stirred that made me so agitated.
This made me really want a cigarette, but I'd have to disable the alarm on the house and sneak out to my car to grab my 'emergency' pack. I'm beginning to wonder if I should buy a pacifier... The idea just makes me feel so childish. I know, I know. I wear diapers, both online and in real life, but this would be another step for me. Up until now I've only been a diaper lover, not involved in many of the childish things I hear others talk about. I like the idea, I'm just not sure.

PS. I'm sure I'll delete this later, unless something memorable happens in the comments. I really don't like to be reminded how much I wine about things.

This will be updated periodically. I plan to keep it robust and informative. :3

Name: Lucrece
Age: 23 (See description for caveat)
Gender: Male
Species: Siamese
Coloration: Primary - Grey, Secondary - Pale, Warm Purple
Eyes - Blue, Pawpads - Pink

General description: Compared with sleek and trim brethren Lucrece looks a bit tubby and more prone to cuddling into the lap of an owner than preening himself atop a cabinet after a successful mouse-hunt. One truly peculiar feature of his appearance is a blackened portion of his fur, covering a circle on the upper left of the cat's head that bisects one eye and completely contains an ear (leaving the ear black as well). It almost appears as if a bomb went off near Lucrece's ear and left a permanent mark. Besides this, where most of his species are tan or white he is grey and what would be black/brown (on his muzzle, paws, and tail) is a faint purple instead.

Clothing/Acessories: Normally Lucrece can be found in a diaper, his favorite custom-made pattern is a black back ground with a white heart shaped key on the front and white heart shaped lock on the back. Additionally the feline will slip on his favorite faded pink hoodie, which has seen better days and has nearly turned white from washing. Not wanting to hide his diaper, unless he has to, he will rarely wear any pants.

Personality: While Lucrece doesn't pick a gender to give all his love to, he does tend towards the boys, he just finds them more cuddly and fun. Like all cats, Lucrece is wholly self sufficient, but doesn't choose to be all the time. Lucrece's first reaction to new situations is to find a high and/or secretive place to watch from, if he can, and to keep quiet till he's comfortable with what's going on. If he feels invited, however, he may just leap straight into a crowd and start some mischief, depending on his mood.

Interests: Lucrece wants to learn magic and is studying hard. He has some talent, but it's mostly hard earned. He also loves being swaddled in heavy clothing, tunneling through mountains of plush animals, and romping with both sexes as friends and sometimes more. Snuggling into a good friend and wasting hours twitching his tail through grass or carpet, are some of his most favorite pastimes.

Powers/Traits: Lucrece is not bound to his physical body and his body is not completely bound to it's shape. As a result, the feline can alter his form to a degree though his physiology remains the same; eg. he can take a female form, but it is just in body structure, not function; he can grow larger and smaller, but he does not gain or lose mass so has to be careful; he can look like other species but not take on their traits, like a fish's gill functionality. It is actually harder to shift his colors and the 'black circle' on his head does not leave his form, these act like identifying marks as a result.
An odd aside, while mostly the transformations are just physical Lucrece will usually 'play the part' of whatever he's turned into pretty well. This doesn't seem to be the case with his age, however. The feline finds it hard to take another 'age form' without being almost incapable of keeping his mental age set to his real age. It is conceivable that if he went back too far he might just be stuck that way until his body reverted naturally.

History: The black circle on his head is actually a 'burn-in' from an illusory halo Lucrece had constructed above his head. Tilting the solid disc of glowing gold at a jaunty angle, he had spent a day with it on, showing off the clever decoration. When he canceled the spell, however, he found his fur had been blackened and refused to grow back in the proper colors. With this lesson in mind, Lucrece vowed to be more cautious with magic from then on.

Fetishes: Lucrece would probably put just about anything to the test, but there are some things in particular excite him. Light bondage, particularly straight jackets, turn on the sexually shy feline. He also likes bringing diapers into the bedroom, which should come as no surprise.
It is important to note, that Lucrece loses all sexual 'interaction' when he pushes his age back below 18. It is a safety feature of the particular magic gifted him that protects him from doing things others may see as impure. Under no circumstances will he be found engaged in underage sex.

Turn offs: It's rare for the loving and reserved Lucrece to be judgmental, but some things just give him the shivers. First on the list, due to how common it is in the DL community, is scat and watersports. A wet diaper doesn't bother the unusual kitty, the warmth is kind of nice, but he doesn't want to be involved otherwise or with poop at all. While he does like bondage, the idea of a gag of any kind scares him. Lucrece also tends to detest unwarranted violence and can't abide unwilling victims. If any of these things are brought into play around Lucrece he will ignore them, go quiet, or leave.