Day 4 going off Paxil cold turkey.
Seeing flashing lights and having aggressive tinnitus.
Strong desire to expressive feelings of love and fear to close friends.
Becoming difficult to ignore unreasonable emotions and feelings.
Thoughts of self-harm occurring, but currently bearable.
Noticed some drawing improvements. Desire to draw is slowly returning.
Considering going back on half-pill. Undecided.

I don't normally tell people about it, but I have this irrational fear of death. When I say irrational I mean thinking about it sometimes causes me to have a panic attack, which I take clonazepam for.

It's not that I'm afraid of it hurting, or that I'm afraid of going to "hell," but it's the fear of the nothingness. I'm not a religious person and I don't really believe in an afterlife -- death being the ultimate end is the only thing that really makes sense in my mind. The thought of no longer being able to experience anything anymore scares me.

I love being alive. I never want to stop experiencing life and everything that comes with it. But I know that it will happen. I will die and eventually nobody will ever know I existed at all. I won't be able to love or be loved. I'll never be able to experience joy or pain ever again.

The few people I've told this to say the same thing -- you'll be dead you won't care. That doesn't help, because I care about it right now while I'm still alive.

My bamboo tablet I've been using for past 6 years finally died. It served me well but now I'll have to get a replacement, but thats gonna be like 5 days of no drawing. I'll go mad!

Considering getting an XP-PEN this time around. I do like Wacom, but they're so pricey for a tiny active area.

So I'm sure you've heard by now how Lola Bunny was redesigned to be less "sexualized." People have been losing their mind about this. I look at it only from a character design perspective and not a "I want to have sex with a cartoon bunny" perspective, and the redesign honestly looks a lot better to me, because the character (in space jam) never really fit in with the likes of Bugs and Daffy -- the anatomy was so different and hyper sexualized.

Now she has been redesigned to actually fit in with the rest of looney tunes and I think the main reason people are upset is because it's killing their boners. I personally never found cartoon characters to be sexually attractive and it honestly seems a bit weird to me. I guess that's why I've never really fit in here in the furry fandom.

I love cartoons and especially cartoon animals. It represents to me a disconnect from reality and the drama associated with it, and the baggage that comes with being a part of the human race. The new Lola fits in a lot better with my idea of cartoons now, since they intend to make the character look feminine while making her look less like a sex object.

I haven't posted in a while. I became severely ill with double-pneumonia and was hospitalized for a while. I've been sick since july 15th but now I finally feel well enough to try painting again.

I'm lucky I survived. pneumonia is no joke.