I can't find a therapist who's suited to my particular situation and takes my insurance...

I've been suffering with my mental health lately and I've been trying to find either an LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) or an LMHC (Licensed Mental Health Counselor); those seem to be the best types of therapists for me from what I've been researching but I can't find one that's in-network.

I found one LCSW on Psycholody Today but with a $1,500 deductible. For context, I signed up for a "zero deductible" plan with my job but looking at my card, that's only if they're in-network, which I'm guessing this one isn't. There doesn't seem to be any other LCSW's or LMHC's listed in Psychology Today... I've tried looking at my health insurance provider's directory but it's outdated as shit.

Then I found out about case managers helping with this sort of thing so I contacted one I found: I gave them all my information and they said they would find one for me by "Saturday", which was Oct. 25th...more than a week has passed and I've never been contacted. Today I tried contacting them by phone but it was a voicemail so I left a message...nothing yet, if ever...

I can't seem to find any other case managers... I feel like I'm running out of resources...

I’m really worried for New Jersey’s gubernatorial election this year… I’ve been stating my support for Ras Baraka, especially after the ICE incident that happened a few weeks ago, but now I’m considering voting for Mikie Sherrill again, mainly because she seems to have the best chance against Jack Ciattarelli, the front-runner on the republican side.

Jack Ciattarelli almost beat Governor Phil Murphy back in 2021 (Murphy is term-limited so he can’t run anymore). Ciattarelli is basically the MAGA candidate and is endorsed by Drumpf. His front-runner status is also higher than Mikie Sherrill’s, meaning republican NJ voters are more united in choosing him as their leader, 44% among reps vs. Sherrill’s 28% among dems. I’m not liking those numbers…

Baraka seems to represent my political sentiments the most out of all the dem candidates (I’m also impressed with Steve Fulop), but at the same time, Ciattarrelli seems to have a decent chance of winning in the general election and I want a candidate who has the best chance of making sure he doesn’t win so I’m very conflicted. I want someone progressive but I also have to face the fact that right now most NJ dems are more centrist rather than leftist and the state shifted a little bit purple in the 2024 election.

Would backing a progressive left candidate end up backfiring against a pro-MAGA candidate? If I were to choose to vote for a progressive left candidate, what would be the best way to determine which of those two have a higher chance of victory against Ciattarelli?

With everything going on in the world, it's almost like living in an episode of the Twilight Zone...

That's all I have to say.

Working alone doing the work of 2-3 guys for an entire week during the Christmas holiday while overwhelmed with grief over a lost pet is really eating away at my soul...

For context: my cat disappeared right on the first snow of the season on Saturday afternoon/evening... As far as I'm concerned, the snow/winter cold has already killed him so I don't have any hope of him returning...

At the same time, one of the workers at my job left because he found another job; Friday was his last day. Meanwhile my boss, the only other worker, is on vacation until January 2nd. He had it planned for months and didn't expect the other guy to leave just before that. So I'm pretty much holding the fort by myself doing extra work...

My boss arranged for me to have help for Tuesday and Friday from someone in the interior maintenance department (those days are when we water the amusement park and we absolutely need two guys to do that since there's so many plants) but so far my help hasn't shown up yet...

I'm getting double pay on Christmas Day but it just doesn't feel worth it...

I didn't really know Dragoneer very much aside from the fact he was the founder/owner of FA. I did, however, have a chance encounter with him once:

I was at FA United, FA's signature con, back when it was in NJ. I had already signed up for it for both myself and my then-girlfriend, but my nieces wanted to join in on it for the 2nd and 3rd days of the event and so I had to scramble to sign them up. I went to one of the staff rooms asking around for help to sign up my nieces and this one guy from the staff approached me and went out of his way to help me with the process on one of the computers. I had no idea who he was at the time, I just thought he was a regular staffer or something. He spent as much time as was necessary to help set things up, he answered all my questions, he never showed any impatience with me. He was just all around very supportive and kind throughout it all.

It was only at the end of the convention when I would later find out it was Dragoneer himself. I then thought back to all the times I would ever hear people say nasty things about him and I couldn't help but think to myself "Gee...he seems like a nice enough guy to me". And let's not forget, as imperfect as he may have been, he still created the site which made it possible for me to meet all kinds of interesting people and find out about a lot of interesting things, to say nothing of all the really cool arts I've come across in the past decade and a half.

Thank you, Dragoneer, for making a cool site and for helping me out that time. You will be missed by me and many others.

Until a week ago, I had been saying that it would be a grave mistake for Biden to drop out and guarantee Drumpf the election. When he actually did, I was very worried and felt sick to my stomach thinking "welp, there goes our democracy..." But when people became very enthusiastic and unified for Harris, I realized it really was for the better after all. Maybe we do have a chance to save our democracy.

But let's not be too comfortable; we still need to get out and vote. Don't think it's in the bag to where we can just sit it out and not have to worry, we still need to make our voices heard. Whether you live in a swing state, blue state or red state, vote for democracy.

Vote to keep your rights...because those people will vote to take them away...

Tell me, guys, does >this< look like a 12-year-old to you?

I believe FA is shooting themselves in the foot with this new rule, but I don't see enough reason to leave outright, especially since I'm not an artist myself or anything. I will, however, be checking out Inkbunny more often since that's the second-most popular furry art site, and I've already been adding a whole bunch of artists there, mainly those who have already left this site.

My cat got run over! He's dead! We loved him so much! My family is all crying over him now!

He was such a good cat!

We only had him for 6 months!

Edit: I’m now hearing rumors that the red pickup truck that ran him over sped up just before hitting him… Still not sure if true or not…

And to be honest, I don’t want to fucking know all the details… I’d rather not know what might be an uncomfortable truth… All I know is my cat was run over and killed…and that’s all I want to know…

The most uncomfortable thing I’ve learned is the truth hurts…so why bother trying to know everything and risk going through even more pain?

Ignorance is bliss...

Glad to hear Faux News fired his ass.

I wish I could leave this country for good... There's too many things about it that make me feel like a prisoner...

Everything about it disgusts me and it disgusts me even more that people like this hellhole...

If I can't leave this country, I'd rather be dead.

So I just watched a video on the proper way to use chopsticks… No thanks, I’ll stick to using forks and spoons so I don’t get arthritis. I don’t understand how anyone can think chopsticks are easy/ier than western utensils. It strains my hand like a motherfucker…

 KateTheGreat911411 is trying to raise money to help fix one of her teeth.

You can check out her journal post here or go straight to her fundraiser here.

 jackalope has been going through a tough time with both her husband (osteoarthritis and workplace injuries) and mother (getting kicked out of her home and being diagnosed with cancer) getting hit with difficulties so I thought I'd spread the word to bring awareness to her troubles hopefully so that other people may help.

Please check out her latest journal entry for more info: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10409535

...And see a situation within the image where you can't help but sigh and say to yourself "I wish that were me..."?

Warning: This is another one of those depression-vent journal posts, so if you don't like these kinds of posts, click the Back button on your browser.

So yeah, I don't know if this makes me a shallow pervert or whatever, and if it does, I'm sorry, I just can't help it, but for me I always get that feeling whenever I see a sexual image of a woman getting her brains fucked out and enjoying it...and I just wish the male (or one of the males if it's group sex) could be me.

You see, I was observing a conversation between 2-3 guys in a Discord chat about making porn (both filming it and being filmed doing it) as well as having casual sex, and there was this one post where one guy said "Yeah, that's fair. I kinda still wanna have fun before I settle down with someone." I eventually chimed in with my own thoughts on the matter:

I just turned 40 and I still don't see myself ever acheiving either of those. I would like to find love someday, but now I realize I'm just too broken for a relationship, let alone marriage.
At this point due to age, obesity and emotional damage, I can't have sex no matter how much I want to even if I had a prostitute available. [Note: I would much rather not hire a prostitute, just mentioning a hypothetical situation]
I can't get it up, my libido isn't what it used to be, and even if I take viagra and horny goat weed, both which do work by the way, I still wouldn't be able to do it because I don't even have the energy to keep going and climax... I can't even get off to [this is a little TMI] that I recently ordered from Amazon.
So yeah...sex is a no-go, relationships are a no-go, and marriage, well, fuck marriage after what I've been through...

Even if I trust myself not to let any self-serving manipulative gold-diggers get into my life, all that'll mean is that I just get nobody at all.
I may have learned to avoid the bad ones, but I just don't have the ability to get the good ones either.
I've been telling my therapist that I would go and try to meet more people and try to expand my social environment before I can even think of finding any women to get to know...but I'm now finding out that even just trying to meet people in general is hard enough...
I don't get out much because I can't get out much...

My best bet is to find someone at my job (I work in a mall) but even that is too difficult for me...
My job is the only place I can realistically find people because I have to go to my job every weekday, but...it's just... There's just no one even close to my interests...

The problem with online is that all the interesting people who come anywhere close to my level of interest live in places that are just too far away from where I live. I've already given that a shot and I realize it doesn't work for me because I can't live with either separating my significant other from her family nor can I separate from mine. It would just result in too many broken hearts either way.
And I'm sorry but even New York City is too damn far away for me even though it's "minutes" away from where I live; transportation to and from there is a major pain in the ass, more than you think. (edited)
It costs $20 and two journeys to get there and back by bus and subway for just one night out. No fuckin' thank you.
Oh, you want me to take my own car? Hohoho, noho noooo that's not fuckin' happening because if you take your own car, you gotta deal with parking and that's a major hassle/journey in and of itself.
...And yet NYC is the "closest" place to find interesting people and places locally... Going to Meetup.com and entering all the keywords that pertain to my interests and looking for places that are within 20 miles... "NYC NYC NYC NYC NYC NYC!"
99% of all the groups that come anywhere near my interests are all in fuckin' New York City...

And people wonder why I'm lonely.

Why did I have to be so goddamn different?

...Is hernia surgery... Too bad that's too much to ask in this country XP

A week and a half ago, I finally made the move to tell my parents I wanted out of the engagement, and of course as predicted, they didn't take it well at first. Some nasty words were said, not gonna bother with the details, but that night I slept in my sister-in-law's house (which just so happens to be almost next door to where I live). Bu the next day, my mom spoke to her brothers and sisters, my aunts and uncles, and after she told them about the stuff I said about my now-ex-fiance (mostly the money stuff she pulled with me), they all sided with me and knocked some sense into my mom that she was always a problematic woman and I did the right thing. My parents felt a lot better after that and I was able to move back into my normal room.

So how did my ex-fiance take it? She either didn't get the hint and thought it was just the relationship going through one of its downs (I included every reason I couldn't love her: the gold-digger problems, the control issues, the coerced sex, the lack of emotional support, the selfishness, etc., etc.), or she was just pretending not to hear because she kept on going about like nothing happened... She only realized it was over when I blocked her a couple of days later after still saying stuff like "good morning". She still of course tried to call my mom, who was very nervous trying to talk to her, but in the end, she accepted that it was over and that there was nothing she could do about it. My ex-fiance then went on a smear campaign to sully my reputation by telling as many people as she possibly could both in her social circle and mine about the fact that I take antidepressant drugs and see a psychiatrist and therapist, even posting screenshots of our conversations on Whatsapp to everyone. Says more about her than it does about me, really. She proved my suspicions about her character correct and I had realized that I dodged a bullet with her. She even said nasty things to my mom which my mom responded in kind and blocked her herself.

So, that's one major problem I've managed to cut out of my life and I'm very glad for it.

...With that now out of the way, I have to look to moving on with my life, and although I'm relieved, I still can't help but feel I still have other major problems I haven't been able to deal with in my life...mainly my mother... Yes, she did end up coming around to my decision and she still loves me, but that's also the problem: she loves me a little too much... She's still overprotective and treats me like a kid. She's one of those helicopter moms who still tries to control everything I do in order to protect me, even into my age...

...And that's another thing... In about 2 and a half weeks, I'll be turning 40... This makes me very sad that I'm hitting the 40 mark and I haven't really accomplished much in my life up until now...and while I would blame my mom for being largely the reason for that, I have to understand that it's mostly my fault for letting her intervene into my personal matters too much for too long... The main reason I'm too timid to do much about it is because I try to avoid unnecessary drama and because I care too much about how she feels... I care too much about the possibility of leaving her broken-hearted over my decisions and I'm the kind of person who tries so hard to avoid making others sad, even if it's at the expense of my own well-being... It's another one of those "stuck between a rock and a hard place" situations where I feel there's just no way I can do something without making one of us sad...

I can only do little things that can make us both happy, like watching something we both like, doing some shopping together, etc., but when it comes to life decisions, like who I want to be with, what makes her happy is someone or something that's terrible for me (like my ex-fiance), or if I go with someone who makes me happy (like Crystal, until things didn't work out anymore), then she's not happy. What I want and what she wants never really match up because of different ideals, values, beliefs, etc. There's just no way I can find a woman I'll be happy with because the kind of person I want, she detests... I know I have to go with my own heart regardless of what anyone thinks, but if my choices make her sad, then...I can't be happy either... I hate that my happiness has to be someone else's sadness... I can't control how she feels and thinks, but godammit I just...care too much about others... Sometimes I wish I was more of an unfeeling asshole sometimes...

And that's the one thing that I think bothers me most: the only way I can be happy is to be an asshole...and I don't want to be an asshole...

Today happens to be even worse...

I'm the epitome of the kind of life you get when you have no confidence... I remember years back when even a friend once mentioned I'm a pussy...

So much for my immune system.

Got a stuffy nose/nostril? Well better to deal with it instead of suffering a headache all night/day, because taking a nasal decongestant (I'm looking at you, afrin) can really mess with your head...literally.

Not even a bunch of ibuprofen and tylenol can relieve my headache... I actually had to go to an urgent care center (because fuck going to the emergency room and paying thousands of dollars even with insurance) to handle the problem. The doctor basically told me to drink plenty of water along with electrolytes (she suggested Gatorade but I asked if I could take coconut water instead since it's much healthier source of electrolytes than even pedialyte, to which she said okay) as well as to get plenty of rest.

It's been about a couple of hours now since I came home with some coconut water and drank at least more than half a liter along with a couple of bottles of water...so far head still hurts... Trying to get some rest by chilling on my bed while watching Zetaplays, though I'm not sure if that's good enough or if I'm supposed to actually be sleeping for rest... Whatever, I'm sure I'll recover, I just wish recovery would come a little sooner. Worst/longest fuckin' headache I've ever had.

My weekend sure is off to a good start...

My fiancee doesn't like that I watch cartoons… Like, she’ll actually tell me to stop watching them and switch to something else. Her reasoning: “you are a man”. In other words, she thinks it's all "kid stuff" and wants me to “act my age”. Hell, even browsing through the derpibooru forums offends her because of all the avatars.

Needless to day, it eventually got to the point where I got angry with her and finally spoke my mind. I’m sorry, but cartoons, comics and video games are a big part of who I am and that’s not going to change. She caved saying sorry yada yada…but it’s still something that bothers her, not like she’s suddenly accepted it. I hope she can come around to genuinely accepting that part of me, otherwise it’s not going to work out.

So I've been talking with this Albanian girl on Whatsapp for about a week now...someone I've been introduced with through family and other relatives. So we've been getting to know each other and all that. Lately, she asked when I can visit her in Albania.

I told her that the likeliest time I can visit her is next July, which is when I when the janitors in the school system get a month-long break. However, this upsets her and is asking if I can visit her during Christmas break instead. She feels that next summer is too long.

We're not engaged, unlike with the last girl where it happened nearly right away, but she wants the engagement to happen sooner than next summer...

This definitely makes me uncomfortable and I've let my mom know this. The girl and my mom are basically arguing that the relationship "will get cold" if I "wait too long", but this is moving too fast. You can't rush relationships. If time and distance hurts the relationship, it wasn't meant to be. If however the relationship is strong even with time and distance, it was meant to be.

But of course, this is Albania...where marriage is something you have to do as soon as possible...

Why did I have to be born under such a weird culture?

There's just no feasible way I can have a woman in my life... Not with my parents in the way... Well I mean, it's not exactly that they're against me having a woman or being happy in general, it's more like...how do I put this...

The kind of woman that I would like to have would not be the kind of woman who could be happy living together with me and my parents... At the same time, even if I could move out (and honestly, my mom understands that there's a very real possibility of us moving away from them), I still wouldn't be happy anyway...because, well...I still love my mother...I want to take care of her as she grows older and older... I feel bad for her... She's sick...diabetic...

For it to be realistic to live with a wife and my parents in the same house, it'd have to be a woman who's approved by my mom...and the kind of woman that'd be kosher with my mom...is just not the kind of woman *I* would want. Either she'd be too religious or too prudish or too old-fashioned...

And honestly, there's still the problem of me just wanting a woman for love and sex, but not marriage and family. And I just don't see that happening. 9 out of 10 women it seems want to have kids; not wanting kids is a deal-breaker.

And even if I do find a woman who's okay with not having kids or doesn't want them, how would I actually land a relationship with her? Either they're already taken or they're not attractive or heck, even if she's neither of those two, I'm too shy to approach women in general. And I'd rather not have to rely on prostitution thank you very much, what with it being illegal with a possibility of disease to say nothing of it carrying a certain stigma to it.

I just don't see any way of acheiving happiness through women... I know I should be able to find happiness without women, but godammit, it's just so...painful seeing pretty women either in RL or in art and have that yearning lustful desire...

Life is too painful...

I may need to hire a professional or coach or something for help with Bumble...too bad I can't hire anyone, though, because I'm practically broke.