Please just check my pinned posts on my Twitter. Don't want to deal with this site right now after I'd come to understand deeper implications of where much of my life had went "wrong."

I've fallen out of therapy since March last year but will seek appropriate professional care. Between a dissatisfying life and a car crash that changed my life two months later....yeah.

But I'd also been homeless before

Many things I should have admitted but eh...the internet...

We shouldn't always have full lifestyles on here. I'm proud of where I am right now: Zabar's.

Thank you

---

https://twitter.com/middle_digit

drives me insane sometimes

overnight shifts? what the fuck are those? :,DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD (i wish ;0;)

weekends? fuck are those? :,DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

WHATER THOSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

so i logged into it and

ho

ly

fuck

it's just so fucking bad

literally too-obsessive over someone who was in her right to block me but now has a mixed reputation for defending an actual pedophile...like even a worse one who even went into SEXUAL ACTIVITY IN ANY WAY vs just myself being generally SFW-emotionally-collapsing among minors...

one minor (legitimate male) who i used to talk to often wanted to improve their art with an anime style. they came to *me* first about it, but i have since learned it's not even okay to give least-possible-words feedback on art to a minor who wants to approach even "tasteful" topics, either

but myself, i was really first-and-foremost almost-exclusively interested in para-fetishes and nothing to do with wanting IRL actual human-to-human interactions until recently, but also only consent-compatible NSFW just the brink of 2022...some mistakes, but just with adults

i never liked to give input towards the anime minor


but like

like MythosMike

fuck outta here but at the same time

i feel bad for saph...cuz she needs to definitely "do better" at this point, and now a "reality check."

i have been getting more distant on wanting to look to her to this day, but now i'm completely conflicted. i can't until she learns how to exercise more patience against a crowd who's been in their right to call-out whoever else she would've used to consider a "friend."

holy shit i needed it

but fuck man

having been over-sheltered makes this profile awkward as fuck to look back upon, even if my main purpose for ever logging back into it would be for notes at this point

all i can say is

i'm glad for what i'm doing now to try moving on

but also

tara

i read your open letter finally for the third time
this time with my father

we read together halfway through, unlike me having done so by myself fully the previous two times

and yeah

he actually agrees with you on the sense that i'd been stubborn

but he also has the full letter. he'd know enough of your pain, too

both my parents had abusive fathers

i had a mother who got really wrong ideas as to how she should've raised me after divorcing my father, and even before had sometimes questionable ideas that were usually not the worst given the fact that they were still married with my father taking an effort for trying to get both themselves to counseling

but i'm also writing this because fuck it

i can't afford to care to bring myself to great depression anymore

yes fuck also the US but fuck staying indoors to also save money in a fucked up economy

but hey

i never really made the effort to actually leave before, and as it is, i'm only gonna want to be with adults who can understand me at this point

which is right now -- very thankfully -- a good amount

you might not care enough to read through this journal, but 70-hour work weeks...in a fucked up nation

i held two labor-enough jobs at a point that gave me almost similar-enough hours, been a doordash dasher in AirBnb's out of my homestate. i get it now

though i won't ever go to a physical place uninvited. if i do, it'd be the last thing i'd ever wanna to: to cause harm

so i really hope you're doing better now. i really do. as it is, i'll make my own way

and please let me be, too. i may be a "clown," but hopefully in the long run, I can be a damn good one.

you take care, alright?

I want to say hi to someone. I'm just confused about my life overall right now. I've taken on an independent adult lifestyle, but while it's effectively been more than a year since I've taken such at this point, I see that I have done actions that have allowed me time to understand my roots of my behavior is better, but still with the detriment of continuing less offensive forms of former behaviors. I don't want to be considering myself wrong for trying to figure myself out, but incidental scenarios are still going to be a common theme within myself, it seems

None have led to physical advancements at all so far. I did always want to wait until a morally correct moment for any such advance to happen, but even with people that I have been patient with and have started to understand who I should try going for more often, none of it just feels right at this time

Any desire for me to only make it romantic within spirits or anything more

I have my friends, but I am still just unsure. I'm just wanting to know who else is here, that could help

look....i have to admit that even though i know i did wrong, that i know now where every of the most important roots of my behavior came from now....

i gotta admit that i'm more than sorry but i also just miss everyone who i've been abe to gladly talk with before, both on SFW bases and also now anyone who has actually been one who has loved indulging in NSFW, as now i've decided to effectively give up in trying to prove wrong that i've had my greatest addictions as my kinks and fetishes....hell, now I even made an f-list account...

I miss everyone who had the most been lovers of underwater dragon lovers and/or ones who had been able to vibe very well with my passions before I gave in to my trauma that I'm still in a last stretch to recover from.

I am sorry for calling some people "special" when I was on the verge of suicide. I am sorry for making everyone who I made feel like I'd been "stalking" them feel that way. I myself had developed my understandings of my motives for even why there's been an accidental implication I gave off when I joined Oceanview (i.e. joining an active voice channel when I wanted to wait for a Spyro fan friend to join along), but even then, that was impatient of me, rude of me, stupid of me, on top of all other implications i gave off to everyone else i gave them too

i've given up in trying to convince even myself that i'm a Spyro fan with an affinity for Spyro-like art styles who is supposed to be worth giving another chance among those who i wish i can even comfortably say "nice job" to without fears of *ANY* kind of repercussion.

I've mostly gotten over it, but blocking can still trigger links of trauma in me, and i cannot for the life of me give in to my desires of wanting such dragons I hinted before -- as long as skin-shine-and-any-"bloom" from an artist also conveys strong capability -- just happily swimming underwater and bubblin. The love I've had for Spyro underwater and continue to want for Spyro underwater levels and even other dragons in Spyro's actual canon worlds and games, which i can now admit in retrospect had been the motivation for asking speciic questions for how anyone's dragon would fare underwater or even more specifically what bodies of water due to a parity of a "game character stats" mentality, is just too great.

I especially didn't realize that at least one other person's character I had them draw at a point wasn't even of age despite the end drawing actually being wholly SFW, but I also wish opportunities were given and taken to not have spiteful vendettas cloud communication windows in allowing any understanding related to what i've taken time to more deeply understand myself andn my motives about, so a compromise could've been arrived towards on what to do about my behavior.

I know i took too long. I know it's now too late for a lot of people. i know that so many either presently or had previously secretly wanted to have stabbed some part of myself if there'd been any legality towards it.

I
AM
SORRY

.............
..........my habits are now defined in stone, and had been for a while........and while I understand it's less forgiveable what I did towards minors in coping with the emotionally fucked up way i grew up, too, at the very least, the interests I now understand within myself are just too hard to change.

So, i will not ever approach minors with the magnitude of intents that i've had before, ever again. Furthermore, if approach any artist who's touted themselves as almost all purely "SFW" with almost no wish to veer from that all-or-near-exclusivity, I'll only limit to art they're willling to do, and instantly state what boundaries I understand should be in place bare-minimum.

Please understand i just want to have fun again. That's all I want at this point. I want to be able to reunite with past friends who'd let me too and explore further interests in myself with them. I'm sorry ;_;

https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10206844/

deadass the best artist I've actually met stfg PLEASE EMBRACE HER SHE NEEDS TO ENTER YOUR SOUL OH MY GOD EVERYTHING ABOUT HER IS BEAUTIFUL WHAT THE COME ON I CAN'T EMPHASIZE (okay i actually did enough but I DON'T CARE SHE'S;0;0;0;;0;0;0;0;;000;/;/)

So, when thinking about my behaviorisms and things I'd exhibited, a lot of them could argue that I was "attention-seeking" to a toxic detriment….

Well, when doubting whether you're truly "loved" by the primary parent you've lived with for much more than should have been necessary…when you've even wanted to have loved said parent yourself because you have actively tried seeing through the imperfections to the point you even have trained yourself to deny the wrongs they exhibited, and going as far as to habitually "agree" with the other parent being "toxic" and "manipulative" when the primary parent had actually been the one for years and years to have put us down so much, so often….all emotionally…

Yes

Yes, I was wanting positive attention…

I was wanting positive attention from my mother….

And did I get it?

………rarely…….ever….



And it became to the point that I just felt so emotionally lost whenever I wasn't online because even with the cyberbullies I did come across on the likes of Cheezburger (thanks, Teacko), I felt so alive to see bright and happy people who loved the dragons and imaginations regarding us wondering their potential powers and prowesses and just having fun expressing happiness….

But I wasn't taught how to do such things…and instead became one of the most infamous, toxic Spyro fans who did say "If you like Skylanders you should die," but also tried coping with his physical home life by suddenly getting drawn to someone I shouldn't have had at the time due to their kindness….someone who showed maturity against expectations for what would have been the norm amongst people of their time

Who somehow also got a reputation of being "xenophobic" despite me having grown up around diverse POC's in a physical "ghetto" culture, also in a country that frequent physical isolation exists due to suburbia borderline requiring errands be done by vehicles that still socially isolate locals that should be in an opposite of not being in such a scenario so they can more frequently learn to get along.

Who somehow also got a reputation of being "transphobic" despite me not having initially habitualized respecting choice of gender against biology

Who somehow also got a reputation of "pretending to be a young girl" when to combat the reputation of the previous point, I actually did try exploring whether I would feel happy as at least non-binary or gender-fluid, but really only had low self-esteem because of having suffered continued trauma both from my mother as well as the repercussions from having failed to take opportunities of self-improvement due to my mother convincing me there isn't such other than "relying on her" (i just was in a RP phase and wanted to become one of my dragon lady characters in their own world; gaining lying habits otherwise when abused is a bitch :( ).

I got drawn to people who showed basic decency because my mother showed it too few and far in between, instead trying to manipulate me and my sister into hating our roughed-became-gentle father

And I tried hinting with cues I thought would've made it obvious to mom….


But she didn't care
And doesn't now
And repeatedly perpetuated more and more that he was an "evil son of a bitch"

But also negatively influenced us more to not challenge or question things in general for the most part because rather than teaching us how to clarify anything more kindly when we felt we needed to correct her on anything so she can do a thing "better"....well, I forgot for what specifics, but she frequently said, "You think I'm stupid!"

She was…the toxic one…

And I actively denied it for years even when I had small epiphanies about things in my life potentially "not being right," by small realizations of what they could be, both on my family and my peer-social sides….

But i just wanted to still believe so hard that my mother was doing her best…

I really did…

..

.
.



.

.

That all changed with a conversation during last week's Wednesday…

But even then, there'd been other significant texts [detailed in comments as it'd prolong getting to the disowning moment]

The basic rundown from the texts before this conversation were about her having badly reacted to my Christmas letter, that I on impulse decided to leave as a "temporary farewell" letter thanks to me just having become so ill to have given her any gifts, but her eventually diplomatic about giving me space….

It quickly changed once she re-read the texts, but then she sent a picture of a credit card advertisement letter…

19 Jan 2022:

her:
>>> You received this in the mail. It feels like a credit card, and it seems like the information on the card was "traced". [i.e. it was pressed down so the number can be obtained, even though it would have been a temporary card and they would've needed my SSN, now that I think of it]


Me:
Thank you. I'm replying this time because you brought up an actual point of concern i felt warranted replying to.

I'm sorry for not having replied to your "hit a bump" message, by the way...

I've become a workaholic to cope with living on my own...but since you did see the address on the envelope, yes, it also does mean that he's become generally a person I'd become more comfortable with as of late, since -- whether ironic or not -- he's come to far less often hit me with attitudes that make me question -- for lack of a better phrase -- my sanity...

If we were to take the good things you and I did together at face value, a lot of them are cherishable...and i will always cherish all the great times we had together that were actually good without consequence or preemptiveness....

I just want a mother who focuses on giving her children a good time without jealousy towards the other parent....

So I'm sorry for not having replied then...and I'm sorry that i gave you yet another letter you took a sour way...

But the "i will always love you" ending? I really wanted that to stick...

I'll always love the kind you, and i want that to shine so much greater....



…….
What did she say?
……..


Coincidentally: You & your sister started singing the same song since August of last year, which is undeniably pathetic. Jealousy?!??? LMAOOO!!! You both have so much to learn.


…..
What i then said:
…..

Look, mom…[my sister] and I have been confused about the relationship you and dad had with each other for years and years. It's been more than or almost 2 decades now that we've been able to see any of this going on....

You have your own experience, but we can never fully understand your side of the story in a way we'd feel fully comfortable relating to it, because whether you want to accept it or not, dad has at a point effectively actually stopped being a "jerk" on almost universally every form of the word and just got tired of drama and negativity. You did show me a conversation where he said "ditto" over and over again at a point. I remember you did, and i forgot when, and i forgot the context....but the face-value of the texts at hand, from what I remember, was also much more emotional than diplomatic.

And i remember that more than the context....and I'm sure you'd remember it like that, too...

And it'd frustrate you as the parent who still wants their children, but confuse the children who'd never be able to become fair judges when it comes to actually getting their mother's story in an actually civil, fully diplomatic manner that doesn't have rage or anger or angst getting in the way of letting us see whether you ever at least feel bad for making your own children uncomfortable with the way you're handling your own situation.

You are angry at your situation...you had been for years...

But you had kept wanting us to go along with your anger towards your situation and healthy or to-be-healthy children do NOT want to be angry in the long run for almost any reason

It screws them up in the long run for a long time that they wouldn't know how long it'd last

It's been that way for me

And this is still going on



This is why [my sister] left you.


…………
The only reason you replied is because you NEEDED information. You're just as self-absorbed as your sister, and you both will forever be that "nurturing father's" puppets.
………..

I then chanted about how my approach towards the situations at hand lately are me wanting self care. She didn't care.

I wanted to imply her being a sick bastard if she had been getting a thrill of then me losing my shit on her, but the furthest I went was this:

>>> ...if grandma and Titi were to somehow no longer be in your life and you also lost connection to every family member you're actually comfortable with....



....
Like even if a lot of dad's side of the family "cut you from their lives"...


How do you think you'd eventually feel?


..................because that has been me for much too long.....


And i hated that more than forcing myself to even hustle on my own in Virginia just to survive



…..
She
Did
Not
Care

…………………………………………….

WTF HAPPENED?!?!? Really?!? Nothing more than the obvious: You both have become PUPPETS!!! Live your lives as you wish: according to your father! Your father is acting innocent now that he's turned you both against me. Good luck with life.

………………………………………….

Even if that's true....

What generally wins anyone over time is kindness....

More than any kind of negativity

It's too easy to show false kindness to anyone of an age who'd make them not know much better, but even if that's true...


What wins back people from false kindness is true kindness that isn't hindered by genuine hate against the faker....

Good luck figuring that part of life out, if you're to win either of us back...

---

I blocked her afterwards

I unblocked her after i told my father what happened and he convinced me to unblock her to save my face for future situations that it'd be beneficial to allow her to talk with me..

But this buildup…

And the ending i made…

….i'd be surprised if she dare contact me now. It took me a few hours, but then I realized I disowned her, harder than she was "disowning" me…

And it felt

So
Fucking
Liberating….



But I still won't be able to shake off the guilt of the sins I'd done online as a way to not retaliate against her….

And not every one of you will forgive me…

Some of you who I'd previously bothered and somehow would've seen this journal wouldn't really have bothered to read this whole entry

And that's fine

We are individuals in our own physical presences only extending ourselves virtually because in our day-to-day lives otherwise, so many of us can only go on virtual lives for so long before our physical needs have to be tended to once again…

And physical needs?

They include all health.

And I ignored the need to care for my own for so long, but also because my ignorance was a product of displaced trust that I wanted to believe my mother would fulfill….

She never did enough…

Food and shelter is one thing in a human society, but if there's so many we can go to at this point…

It's now so much better that I'm away from her….






So yeah…

That's why i was previously such a horrible person online….

But also why when I admitted my wants for committing suicide, at least for me, they were real.

And i want to change that.

Please allow me to show my efforts from now on. Thank you <3

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/44954437/

Raffle bois let's go lol

UPDATE: the title was drafted as "I finally became straight-up with my mother..." but tbh consider how much i should move on from her ATM, i think the current title is more fitting, ironically

This took the better part of this day to write...

But okay, all those new journals i wrote...

those new notes i wrote to a little amount of people I suspected became uncomfortable with me after the ostracizations...

i'll tell you who i meant with them...



....my mother...



My mother, like anyone else who would read this, is a human being. In this world that we actively choose to personify ourselves as anything but a human being -- even if not with the intention of aligning oneself as a furry or even personifying as their main or staple character to begin with -- we are all human beings

But in the nature of all animals, almost every single other animal we love to actually see in any nature-centric form of media parents their children in a way that they will eventually let them all go

But my mother wanted to keep me....

And the reason? She didn't want to lose anyone who she would have seen eventually leave her permanently in a way that they also disown her...

after she herself had been horribly abused by a man who I couldn't begin to understand how he shaped her

It is just a guess, but a guess that I feel is the best one that would justify actions both from my mother as to how she became abusive herself, even if very primarily emotionally abusive before ever being so physically abusive...

And how I became abusive among my peers to cope with not wanting to retaliate against my mother...

She would never realize how much the world has changed around her and how much she has brought herself behind when it comes to society's reliance on technology both on a technological standpoint and a social standpoint... Even though she has an iPhone 12 and a macbook that I believe would still be able to run a late 2010s Mac OS

But what I believe is also a good argument is that she herself secretly wants to go back to a good, earlier part of her life before she even got into relationships in general...

I think she deep down knows how damaging she has been when she has failed to cope with whatever abuse she had from her own father

And ironic thing? My father was abused himself as well, and even physically, but you know which of my two parents actually became better in the long run anyway?

My father

And my mother hated that. She let jealousy run so deeply inside of her that she confused the hate she much more heavily would have exercised on her own father with hate she grew for my own father instead....

And even tried having her own children -- me and my own sister -- to hate my father by constantly calling him "evil son of a bitch."

I remember trying early on to criticize the way she was treating us when she was in her hate phases against our father…and i actually came to realize subconsciously that in order to make my own living situation tolerable, i should keep my mouth shut as much as I can….

My sister didn't do that though. She rebelled so much heavier than myself did…

And thus she for high school lived with my father instead, while i still technically had a residence with mom that i actually even went back to because all kinds of stress held me back from doing a good job during my first college run, and unfortunately, the mental war seemingly she pronlonged didn't help at all

But then she convinced me to come back home anyway, on the pretense she had a "plan."

But the eventual concieved plan? Get me on SSI, because she had no plan and i was unmotivated to progress in my life due to how much she didn't teach me how I should have, and the living conditions she created making me afraid to talk with my father by any over-air means while i was in her own home, and she continued to do her emotional abuse of hate against her ex-husband in needless situations and me being hopelessly impatient on wanting to know when she'd help me progress in my own life…

It had to take a lucky 2nd run of a 2-year college, then a lucky job landing in another state that let me FINALLY learn to live for myself, appreciate myself, fend for myself….

All because i lost that job i moved there for, too, since i wasn't at all sufficiently nurtured enough to know how to best respect living with co-workers even though i never even did heavy damage with them whatsoever (they were concerned with my level of maturity but i'm actually thankful they let me go now that i've realized this)

And within the brink of december, after it took the last 6 months to actually finally get it straight versus getting epiphanies that were trying to combat the manipulation from the narcissistic nurturing and misguided sheltering that my mom put on me for years...

That i denied...

Literally from a decade and a half ago from the moment my parents divorced, or even very surely before....

I finally became upfront to my mother and told her how I felt, deep down...

that she conditioned me to deny, that she conditioned me to instead cope with making online damage versus any damage to her or the household or even PHYSICAL instead

That I chose to internalize even when I was making smaller epiphanies because I still want the kind of happy family that i didn't think had horrible roots even when I was 5...

The past my mother had, "should have stayed in the past...and i know it's hard, but you effectively have never been able to move on to the point it's even shaped me to be a spiteful person for years, and to cope and make myself not blow up on you too often...

"That's why I ended up being a jerk on online social spaces....

"The saving grace is your sheltering allowed me to not actually commit a convictable physical crime...

"Because I could have actually done so if i had free will to 'cope' by making physical damage to the physical public instead of emotional and mental damage to the online public"

And it internally scares me to think of what myself could have become if I had been allowed to behave that way outside of home, but "i myself don't even want the hate to spread from what I've had to grow up with anymore. I have grown so much lingering trauma from it all and it will still affect my social confidence for a long time"

…..

You all need to notice what i quoted. That was all snips of just one text message to my mother I sent two days before the new year…

And the text was a response to these:

Honestly, I don't understand what you're saying. Wanting to "happily see me again" and ignoring me sounds suspect. All of this negative behavior towards me may blow up in your face.
Is your "therapist" encouraging you to further distance yourself from me?
Ok, since you are choosing to ignore my calls, I will no longer pay for your cell service.
You can send me a text/email explaining why i should pay for your cell service when you are clearly refusing to communicate with me.
The only reason i texted you this morning was to verify that you took out the sim card from your phone and that it wasnt stolen

Like…it was from an older phone…

Why should that matter when I've stopped living with her?

We did reach an agreement of me paying for my cell phone line so i can keep my number as well as pay for my own toll pass from now on, but yeah…




My mother…

"not making an effort to read through any anger any emotionally developing child to help them understand how to calm down...instead of pushing that anger away so it comes back another day anyway…

"Mom...

"Is that what your father did to any of you? And i mean you, Titi ----, and uncle ----?

"Taking away things on the pretense you'd think your own children would stop comparing how you behave towards us vs how our father did never works...

"It never has, it never will


"And you know who else wanted to see a happy family despite the traumatic upbringing he himself had?

"......his name....starts with a K"



I can be forever so much more thankful to him for helping me break this cycle my mother put my through…

But again…..




The thing about her…

- I've realized that especially after the separation, i grew up under you in a way i had to step on eggshells after i realized (even if angrily) commenting on the way dad was trying to parent us vs how you were doing it wasn't working
- i kept falling for believing the gifts you'd eventually give both me and [my sister] for "good behavior" was "love" but it also came with being a reward for not making you mad almost with any comment about dad whatsoever...
- if your own social living conditions in the Bronx and especially [making the effort to come from outside of Manhattan to pick me up from Manhattan during] 9/11 [when authorities blocked access against most other people coming in (she's a RN)] traumatized you out of being open to have me and my sister try being out and/or with peers more often to have ourselves learn to socialize with them, I'm sorry, but it never helped you wanted to make special arrangements that were never compatible with helping me hang out with anyone and that you even discouraged peer socializing



…..

And i told her i feel bad for her, too…


…in my christmas letter to her….

That i drew her a dog poking their snoot through a loving hand gesture….

And looking back, yes, i didn't make it clear at ALL that i meant as much as I admitted in that one text, but why should i have when I did even make it clear before her accusatory messages that I actually DID start taking therapy again and this time -- literally just last month -- I FINALLY TOOK IT SERIOUSLY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE.

"While i have been living on my own, I made realizations by myself before I started taking therapy again, but this time it has been for the first time that I have seen the opportunity for me to take it for myself without you needing to worry immediately, or with the complications of the doubt from all that family drama making me so confused as to what I should admit or whether I even should admit it. For the entire time that I was in [college] state, my state of mind was literally so shattered by the years of the family issues and even the repercussions of how I tried to cope with the issues...."


And the repercussions?




….doing all of you wrong……….just to minimize how often I got mom mad

And failing to admit how much i was suffering because i kept falling for the conditioned trauma she inflicted on me, even when i gave occasional hints…



….


Literally none of you have to forgive me at this point….

But it's been a long time coming








….


But i want to see the happy family i had when i was 5 again, even if it had been fucked from behind my scenes then

But i want there to be pure happiness now…

And i don't want to not love her anymore





….we're just going to take time away from each other now while i still figure things out from here….





I hope you've had good lives to this point so far…


And happy new year

Let's make life move up from here, just like all the bubbles all of us (might have) blown from those bottles when we were five. It was a happier time. I just want that again <3

Something about my reputation is that I apparently love underwater things and bubbles as a "fetish"

I decided this is only half-true

I figured out I harp on wanting to have my good, innocent youth back to a lot of respects, or even just to go back to a younger time of mine but then with the kind of mindset I do now, to be able to more properly experience things non-destructively

Even against the misguided nurturing I had if I felt like it would've made sense


So, what i figured out is...



MY HALF-FETISH IS NOT INTENTIONAL



The thing I figured out about my passion is that it's linked to a time I used to love getting those bubble bottles with those wands...those wands that'd have them holes that'd catch those substances

Then you can blow bubbles

and they'd fly

And for underwater worlds.....I just found it beautiful and unique, and a lot of it stuff that I WISH were on land

And well, for our "human species" as well, swimming is the closest equivalent we can ever have for ourselves instead of flying outright

And me having loved to play Spyro for the underwater levels not too soon after I started playing with those bubbles

And the fact there's a button you can press to intentionally make him blow a lot more in a burst, as he otherwise can't breathe fire with the button instead

I thought it was cute

I didn't realize this was the source of my love for this topic for so many years and failed to communicate this as the source for my love of this topic, and was so socially awkward in the past that people think i intentionally mean to ask for "fetish" art.

But again, i was manipulated into indirectly causing this destruction I've made for so long due to the fact i wanted to believe SO HARD that i was being "loved"

But i do still want to love, and care, and also show that i do want to help any deserving person any way I can, but i also was getting clingy because I wanted out of where and how i was living at the time with that narcissistic parent and was manipulated into being scared of saying that i was being mentally hurt and that i actually wanted to move out because I also wasn't taught how to do so properly and also how to fend for myself once i did.

It's one thing that yes, I may sometimes fetishize some things on my end, but i do my best to respect SFW boundaries otherwise.

And I’ve also come to realize that this love towards underwater and bubbles also stems from having had — so deep in my mind that I didn’t realize it — a want to go back to happier, earlier times in my life when I was having the worst years growing up.

It took me long enough to get out of the deep denial I’d been in, against what made me have what’s nearly confirmed as PTSD by a therapist.



But yeah that's why I got the passion I do for underwater dragons and bubbles

And why I have my tastes for bubbles my certain way

and most other dinks against me for my reputation are again, because I was not raised right socially and because the influences of that nurturing consumed me and indirectly manipulated me even during times I was getting close to my independence

So yeah....that's what I've come to realize about myself.

Thanks for reading 🌊💙

Hey so something I'm remembering about my nature...

And this is something i thought of without a suggested exercise from my first therapy session with a new service (i was given none and this is the first time I've taken non-school-given therapy seriously pretty much _ever_)

I'm remembering that despite the too-often conversations with my narcissistic parent usually bitching about the other parent that often also intertwined with the narcissistic parent trying to engrain "assuming the worst in people" into me, I have also in that past time made counter-points that tried offering the positive perspectives.

"He could be trying to do this."

and weirdly, even with my awareness about my narcissistic parent being an unhealthy individual having developed very greatly this year, now it's that I'm making cases to my non-narcissistic parent about what I think may have happened with the narcissistic parent. I'm now thinking there'll be eventualities that I realize what can be saved from within the narcissistic parent and that I'd even bring it up to my good parent in counter-scenarios I'd naturally see open when that time comes.

Final greatest apology, part 1: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10036185/

And this: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10092233/

I still am going to suffer from my trauma and my guilt for a while

If I approach you and I make you uncomfortable…

I really would appreciate you calling me out to me first

And that if I approached you for a commission, also let me know that you would like to be strict on commission communication from then on, only

Or that I have made you feel so uncomfortable that you would rather not have me talk to you further at all before you blacklist or block me

I’ll be patient, even when it has come to me admitting my darkest sin as the final blow factor :(

First off, it’s a long time coming, and I know that I have done so many things beyond these two special words over and over again when I repeat them, but it really needs to be said:

.

.

I’m sorry

.

.

Honestly though, I can’t even know where to begin to repair or salvage anything I’ve damaged, if I can even salvage any such thing I’ve damaged at all, whether it’s a person’s self-esteem or an entire presence throughout the Internet in general.

I’ve even damaged myself by not realizing for so long that I should have actually seeked help if I could have back then…

And Hell, even when I was being put through Therapy before reaching adulthood, I should have seen the opportunities that were right in front of me, to help me figure out myself and what was wrong with me, and whether any and every family dynamic that was putting a strain on my mental health was actually causing me to cause damage in search of love

Really, that’s what it is at this point. I figured it out. I was malnurtured.

I’m remembering that I even gave hints to artists that i used to look up to, and some of which I actually did have as friends back then. The one that I even Gave that stupid Nickname To try not directly giving away that it was her but still was someone I wanted to address in a less legitimate apology confession then? I actually remember hinting to her that I was suffering, but I was actually so afraid to make myself clear because for so long, even in my early adulthood, I didn’t know how to fully be independent, And how to respect the independence of other individuals when they would want it, because I was never properly taught how to be that way and respect others’ space to begin with.

But I did just want an escape from the all-too-frequent agony of a grudge one parent had against the other, and one that was and still is very much unfair. It was just recently that I actually figured out the more abusive parent actually just got stuck in their own trauma by their own abusive father, and couldn’t let go of it and chose to punish my other parent and even myself until recently (but still my sister), To subconsciously fight the war against their trauma that is so deep that they don’t even realize that’s what’s been affecting them

And I was suffering for it.

And I made others suffer because I was desperate for any kind of love at all, any kind of comfort at all

I was looking for an escape, and then I found online Spyro communities to exist, And I just didn’t know how to handle what I didn’t realize it was growing trauma that I didn’t even realize I wrapped up To make myself a petty stalker, then an arrogant stalker, then an actually somewhat dangerous stalker, then a sad stalker, and then just a very sad person

I’m very ashamed of what I’ve done. I still see Twitter emails when I Take breaks from using the Twitter app and often the website in turn to the point I spend 5 mins max a day, if at all, on the website, with no further interactions…

And I still get upset when I see anyone and everyone I know I could have gotten along with so well back then, have actually gotten well with back then, And want to believe I could still get along well with, When I see them happy and have to always catch myself before I engage with any of it…

I have mostly become a natural at being an observer at this point, But sometimes engage anyway just because through my progression after slowly gaining actual independence that was much overdue, I just feel miserable, feeling like I’ve been being left out…

Because I see it as people loving each other and loving to be around each other…

And I see it as the right way and the way to go…and the way I wish I had back then and still wish I can have now

But growing up, I was taught that being on a short leash and being obedient and never challenging possibly immoral practices and accepting expensive gifts That my traumatized parent could barely afford just to keep me happy was the “love” I should have expected from anyone…

My other parent had to have so many discussions with me to make me realize otherwise. It took me a lot longer just because I did like the gifts, But I also felt unsafe talking to my non-traumatized parent because there was always the chance my traumatized Parent would hear the words I’d say, Even if it would not have been about them and they couldn’t hear any full conversation…

The traumatized parent always accused my sister and I of favoring our other parent, and scolded my sister much more often for even little things that didn’t matter as much in the scheme of life progression in the long run (the parent now tries to punish her for actually having moved to the other parent by attempting to forgo paying tuition)

I wanted to escape from that.

From the abuse I have had to almost every day figure out how to avoid, and I forgot it was that way in high school, a little bit before high school, And during the two years I was back home from college after flunking out of my first run

I had a lasting trauma from it all, And I didn’t realize I had it so bad that I was negatively affecting others…

Especially to the point I almost had that one relationship that is the only fair reason any call-out document should have been written about me at the point it was almost starting to have been developed… (we should never talk to each other again, swimmy fish, and I wish I could have given sincere apologies then, but I hope you’re doing well)

The rest of the behaviors? Not unfair to call-out, but not with any overflow documents like the ones that exist at this point, please ;-;

I literally get upset when I want to much more civilly approach anyone for any reason these days, especially commissions…

And I get more upset when I’m blasted in en-masse scales Instead of being confronted face-to-face about whether I make anyone else uncomfortable.

I myself have started to realize a long time ago that I needed to change, but I did not know where to begin. I tried A few efforts, but always fell apart because I didn’t realize I was suffering

and I want to atone at this point

Even if I can’t have all the friends I have had before back, I miss the ones that were important to me, and even the ones who I was important to to various degrees.

I want to actually show that I have changed. I know that I get angry whenever I get called out, But the reason I’ve fled past the point I’ve made my first very hard epiphany?

Past the time I almost actually got to know my once favorite artist?

When I asked stupidly about how she got a very unique name on Picarto when I should have just left it at the wonder to begin with?

But also because I thought it was my first actually major stepping stone towards my improvement when I just unfortunately was in the worst parts of my life, having dropped out of college due to the war with my traumatic self?

.


……i just wasn’t in the right state of mind at all and fleeing from problems became the unfortunate best solution I can think of to save my own mental health back then….

I didn’t realize that me running without explaining to some people even let them down further and even myself much more so than if I’d just come clean

But I didn’t know how back because I was legitimately subconsciously taught to be afraid of both standing up for myself and owning up to myself, even in some online spaces before I even found anything online to do with Spyro

I have been thinking about myself and my actions through several life-altering events that being on my own has taught me, and realized I'd been at fault for much of what I'd been called out for, but that my actions were also the product of being subconsciously taught some behaviors that turned out to be malicious was "healthy" somehow


.

….but I really wanted that point I almost got to know that artist to be the turning point to my actual happiness and earning of love

Just any


And it didn’t have to be romantic and I would have kept it platonic the whole time if I was properly taught the differences of the feelings of platonic, crush, and romantic that was actually worth chasing……

It would have been just a blessful thank you for me to still appreciate anyone and everyone who I want to love even *seeing* at this point…

And it took me so long to even realize what a “friend” was because of all I wrote, too, and took any kindness from anyone as them wanting to be my friend

But……

….I’m sorry….crysaur…ke….dea….sau…coo…bla…peppy…ki…ne….sq…po…..rei…ner….rn…mis…sa…h…

…..everyone…

"Oh yeah let me bubble into them" - said in a streamer's chat whilst they were drawing a water dragon

*they ban me*

come on I just meant a hug....why do I keep doing this....

https://youtu.be/ySiProJe_IA

Basically, drama. I keep getting myself into it, but well...

I'm staying for now...at least on FA. I will eventually abandon this account one day, but I will keep using middle_digit as long as there's underwater art to favorite 💙

.......

https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9705896

Let's GOOOOOOO

sup
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/39462371/

What should I draw? I like drawing underwater scenes but anything goes.

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/36428875/

You can literally pick any YCH the artist is doing. I just got a YCH from them as well and I gotta say, it was good stuff :D

tbh i like talking to people. i guess i'm more of a cyber-extrovert than I ever would be a physical one, but thing is, I barely like approaching new people I am not already familiar with. I am always going to be more comfortable with approaching friends of such people, too, but yeah....

I seemingly more often than not forget that I gotta try talking about interests at hand more often. Sometimes I just can't tell what to talk about, however. Maybe it comes with myself in a way, but it's partially what i get for being too hyper-focused on one particular unnecessary focus-point during some of my developmental years.

But in any case, I'm currently in a state of mind that I'm more prone to talk about tmi with my personal life as a way to introduce myself. If it's not that, the weird positive on the opposite end of the spectrum would be my more niche kind of dragon love. If I approach anyone and talk about that to any awkward substantial extent, I actually would appreciate being called out about it.

Yes, it would be annoying, but it'd be more annoying if I'm enabled to continue, and then I'd also be annoyed to find out it wasn't made clear I was going that way too far. Even if anyone would say it's on me, for situations like that, anyone in that demographic who waits too long to tell me would also be doing a slight disservice to themselves and their psyche, too, and I just think it's bad for everyone involved if there's too long of a wait to tell me about any of it.

So, do me a favor, when anyone approaches you with that attitude, call them out.

and call me out when needed.

I want to improve as a person, and it'd help everyone if the behavior's called out as soon as possible.

thank you.