When I think I've made friends offline they ghost me. I directly ask but they don't tell me why or answer at all. I spend days replaying every single interaction in my head trying to understand what the fuck it is I say and do that make me so incomprehensibly repulsive. Everything ends rejection, and I don't think I can try anymore. I don't know the extent of my brain damage, and I no longer have insurance that will cover the scans. My head always hurts and if the assault exacerbated a hidden cancer the neurologist suspects i wish it would just kill me. My court appointed victim's advocate has been furloughed, so I can't file anything to get help. The statute of limitations is up to press charges against the coward that punching me in the head over and fucking over again because I wouldn't let him continue to beat a woman. I still don't regret confronting the bastard and I hope he rots in prison until he dies. Now without access to medical care I can't work. My job is gone and tariffs are crippling my vocation. I'm going to go bankrupt and lose my fucking cars because they're the only goddamn things I have of any monetary value and even though that amount is miniscule the creditors will still seize them. I'm thousands of dollars in fucking debt because a Fortune 500 company was allowed to rob me and I've never been able to recover. Because those fucking assholes I had to use credit cards to pay credit cards and I can't keep up. They have hundreds of infractions regarding stolen wages but the fines are infinitesimal when the company's value exceeds $2.80 billion dollars. For the rich fines are just another cost of doing business. So why would anyone want to help me when I'm a lost cause. No one can help me because nobody can even afford to take care of themselves. Me asking for help is selfish and it's not fair. I'm several hours away from home crying in a parking lot hiding in my car and I don't know if I can go back. I think it's probably good Hotch is dead because a long time ago Sasha said he wouldn't want the responsibility of taking care of him if something happened to me. If Sasha doesn't want to keep my cats my parents will probably take them because they're good cats and they aren't like me so it shouldn't be difficult to find someone to love them. I can't burden Sasha further. Jesus Christ I'm so fucking lonely. If I lose my cars I have nothing to live for My cars never hurt me and they're always there and hiding inside is the only place I feel safe. I know it doesn't actually matter how much good I do in the world because ultimately everybody dies alone and we all die in darkness. I'm so fucking lonely and unlovable and my head never stops hurting anymore I just can't fucking live like this but I can't die on the east coast because that's not how this is supposed to end

Another rotation around the sun and another year on my vintage. Way back when, I never even thought I'd make it past twenty-three, but many years later, and I'm still "doing numbers", as the kids say (about things unrelated to me).

I've been working on works here and there, but I've not scanned them in yet. I ought to be able to catch up on things soon ^{but I'm also running from anxieties, which has made staying on top of things damn near impossible, yet I endeavor.}

I think for my birthday I'll go to a scrapyard to lurk around the tyres, broken glass, and gear oil. Maybe I'll find treasures.

If you're so inclined to offer a celebratory doodad, I'm a simple creature— I love having my critters drawn, and I have a Ko-Fi page over here where I'm raising funds to get my car fixed. Alternatively, my Venmo is @ mottenfest, and my Cashapp is $mottenfest (I'm nothing if not consistent.)


If you're curious to see what I get up to tomorrow, you can mosey on over to my Mastodon account if you'd like. ദ്ദി(◕⩊◕マ

September 8th will mark my 1,000th day sober. I'm barely making it, though I'm doing my best.

Right on the heels of losing Hotch, I've lost my job. I'm losing everything.

I loved doing farm work, but this job was through a friend's family, and with my degenerative brain damage, I won't be able to get similar work. No one is going to tolerate the health issues associated with my brain falling apart.

I am not handling this well at all. I don't have anywhere to go, and I wish I had more friends.

At this point, I don't know if I'm going to see my 1000 day sober.

I meant to nuke the journals, and I accidentally nuked the journal comments instead.

So if I don't answer you, it's not because you're being ignored. It's because I'm an idiot.
ദ്ദി（╥ ˕ ╥マ

I'm not going to mince words. If I lose my insurance because the heartlessness of the trump administration, I cannot afford my medical treatment anymore. In that event, my doctors have expressed the prognosis would not be good. I feel alone, helpless, and everything seems pointless.

I really really hate confrontation, but for my own health and wellbeing, I need to make something absolutely clear:

If you voted for this, and you're still content with that decision, I hope it's because you haven't fully comprehended the harm being caused. If you do see the harm, please do not try and justify it to me. I have no energy to debate anything with you. Instead, please just respect my boundaries, and politely stop interacting with me.

I'm not a guy of many words these days, generally I just wonder behind the scenes, but I wanted to share this milestone with you all.

900 days sober. Now when I cock something up, at least I know it was purely my own incompetence and not my being black out drunk.

IWNDWYT

Edit: I miscounted by a day, I actually quit on December 13th.
Full disclosure: I'm dumb. ദ്ദിಥ⩊ಥ

I don't often take commissions these days, but I'm excited to say I'm opening for a limited number of them today!

Full commission info https://www.furaffinity.net/commiss.....ns/mottenfest/

I accept payment through
• Cashapp $mottenfest
• Venmo @ mottenfest
• Paypal mottenfest {@} gmail.com

Icons: ($20)
• PAID - COLOURING
• PAID - INKING
• PAID - INKING

Full Color Thigh up busts: ($35)
• PAID - FINISHED
• PAID - FINISHED

Thanks for reading, and I'm excited to work with y'all again 🫶

Because of litigation i can't elaborate much further, but i really need help.

I tried to break up a domestic assault and the guy hit me several times in the head. I was taken to the ER with a follow up appointment with a neurologist this week. My neck and head still hurt really bad and I have intermittent vertigo. i keep falling asleep randomly and i can't work.

i can't pay my loans coming up and I'm really scared. I hate begging and i hate feeling like a burden but i feel like i don't have a choice like I'm backed into a corner and I'm trapped.

I'm so drained but i still have to attend more court hearings and i have no words for how scary court is and having him look at me while i try to remember what he did is a waking nightmare. I can't stop seeing his face everywhere i go and the nightmares are beyond description.

If you can help me cover the loans I'd really appreciate it but if you can't it's ok please keep me in your thoughts
- Venmo https://www.venmo.com/u/Mottenfest
- CashApp $mottenfest
- Paypal Mottenfest[at]gmail.com
- GoFundMe https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-set.....nancial-stress

Thanks to everyone that always made me feel appreciated and loved