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Posted 14 years agoNot much to report, but I've let this lie fallow for so long.
I'm getting back into life after a somewhat prolonged absence. Things are looking up for me, and I have a positive outlook.
Hopefully I'll contribute a bit more here, as well.
I'm getting back into life after a somewhat prolonged absence. Things are looking up for me, and I have a positive outlook.
Hopefully I'll contribute a bit more here, as well.
My Brother's Keeper
Posted 16 years agoMy next door neighbor was discovered dead in his apartment this evening.
Apparently he had been dead for nearly a week.
Which means I was the last person to see him alive, and the last person to talk to him.
He was about my age, early 40s. When I saw him last weekend, his harassing ex-wife had just paid her weekly visit to shout at him. He was standing outside, looking as though he were in the middle of an extremely bad hallucinogenic trip. My attempt at small talk was met with a rather bizarre and uncomfortable response as he appeared uncertain as to whether the figure standing in front of him was, in fact, the demon he was hallucinating me to be. Unsure of how to respond, and not certain whether or not his bad trip would cause him to behave in a violent manner, I attempted a goodnight and beat a hasty retreat.
The next morning, I could hear him screaming periodically inside of his apartment. Not knowing whether he was still hallucinating or simply angry, I did nothing but become irritated at him. I didn't check to see if he was alright. It didn't even dawn on me to do so.
Tonight, when I got home from work, I heard the familiar THUD-THUD-THUD at his front door and knew immediately that it was his ex, with their pre-teen daughter waiting outside in the car. (She often employed their daughter to shout at him as well, the two of them screaming "freakshow" at his window.) It was then that I realized as I had walked through the front door that evening ... that a management letter that had been distributed to all of the tenants on Tuesday was still attached to the clip next to his front door. As I opened my front door to peek out, she immediately looked in my direction and asked if I had seen him. I said no, and suggested he might have gone out of town. When she showed me his car in the parking lot, I got a sick feeling in my stomach. I pointed her in the direction of a maintenance worker I had seen standing outside and went back into my apartment. Before too long, both of them were pounding at the door and I could hear a small group of people gathering as well, wondering what was going on.
After about 30 minutes, I heard them smash a window open. And then, even in my apartment, all I had to do was breathe and hear the gasps outside to confirm my fear. It's a nightmarish odor, and one that I hope never to experience again.
While the gawkers stood in the doorway and covered their noses and mouths, I stayed inside and quietly freaked out - and contemplated the reality of having slept and eaten, showered and gone about my everyday routines and rituals - unaware that a dead human body lay mere feet away from where I had done all of these things.
The police never came to talk to me, despite the fact that I lived right next door. I suppose that if he had died of an overdose or even natural causes, there would be no reason to question me. If they had, I would have told them of the hell that his ex-wife was clearly putting him through - the broken window, the hurling of ink through that window, the taunts and shouts that he endured regularly.
The daughter was still in the car, present when all of this happened. Her father's death became explicitly real to her in an instant. I can't even imagine what she's going through tonight.
And now I realize just how alone he really was. The full-decibel classic rock that I could hear through the wall every night seemed to be his only real companion and friend.
That night, the last night ... he had been listening to "The Wall" by Pink Floyd.
The police are gone. The fire-truck and the ambulance are gone. Once again, it's quiet outside. It's as if nothing had happened. As though he had been erased.
I didn't even know his name.
Apparently he had been dead for nearly a week.
Which means I was the last person to see him alive, and the last person to talk to him.
He was about my age, early 40s. When I saw him last weekend, his harassing ex-wife had just paid her weekly visit to shout at him. He was standing outside, looking as though he were in the middle of an extremely bad hallucinogenic trip. My attempt at small talk was met with a rather bizarre and uncomfortable response as he appeared uncertain as to whether the figure standing in front of him was, in fact, the demon he was hallucinating me to be. Unsure of how to respond, and not certain whether or not his bad trip would cause him to behave in a violent manner, I attempted a goodnight and beat a hasty retreat.
The next morning, I could hear him screaming periodically inside of his apartment. Not knowing whether he was still hallucinating or simply angry, I did nothing but become irritated at him. I didn't check to see if he was alright. It didn't even dawn on me to do so.
Tonight, when I got home from work, I heard the familiar THUD-THUD-THUD at his front door and knew immediately that it was his ex, with their pre-teen daughter waiting outside in the car. (She often employed their daughter to shout at him as well, the two of them screaming "freakshow" at his window.) It was then that I realized as I had walked through the front door that evening ... that a management letter that had been distributed to all of the tenants on Tuesday was still attached to the clip next to his front door. As I opened my front door to peek out, she immediately looked in my direction and asked if I had seen him. I said no, and suggested he might have gone out of town. When she showed me his car in the parking lot, I got a sick feeling in my stomach. I pointed her in the direction of a maintenance worker I had seen standing outside and went back into my apartment. Before too long, both of them were pounding at the door and I could hear a small group of people gathering as well, wondering what was going on.
After about 30 minutes, I heard them smash a window open. And then, even in my apartment, all I had to do was breathe and hear the gasps outside to confirm my fear. It's a nightmarish odor, and one that I hope never to experience again.
While the gawkers stood in the doorway and covered their noses and mouths, I stayed inside and quietly freaked out - and contemplated the reality of having slept and eaten, showered and gone about my everyday routines and rituals - unaware that a dead human body lay mere feet away from where I had done all of these things.
The police never came to talk to me, despite the fact that I lived right next door. I suppose that if he had died of an overdose or even natural causes, there would be no reason to question me. If they had, I would have told them of the hell that his ex-wife was clearly putting him through - the broken window, the hurling of ink through that window, the taunts and shouts that he endured regularly.
The daughter was still in the car, present when all of this happened. Her father's death became explicitly real to her in an instant. I can't even imagine what she's going through tonight.
And now I realize just how alone he really was. The full-decibel classic rock that I could hear through the wall every night seemed to be his only real companion and friend.
That night, the last night ... he had been listening to "The Wall" by Pink Floyd.
The police are gone. The fire-truck and the ambulance are gone. Once again, it's quiet outside. It's as if nothing had happened. As though he had been erased.
I didn't even know his name.
We Only Ever Have Right Now
Posted 16 years agoThe weekend has arrived!
I must say that I am in much better spirits than I was at the start of this week.
A local friend helped me out in a big way, and has potentially removed a huge burden from my shoulders. She even invited me over for dinner and sent me home with potato soup to last me for a few days ... and bread products, homemade apple butter, rice made with chicken stock and baby carrots. Having a friend like her is like one of the best things ever.
Today has been laid back and relaxed. I stopped at the library to pick up some drawing books that were on reserve and bought some basic sketching supplies at the discount shop. I've always wanted to learn how to draw well, but never invested a lot of time in polishing my skills. Recently those yearnings have returned and I have to hope that I inherited at least some of the same artistic genes that were passed down from my father to my sister. The pencils and tools that I bought today are probably pretty poor quality, but I didn't spend a lot on them either - I figure there's no point until and unless the bug hits me and I really get into it.
I've been spending a lot of time worrying lately. As my health is not optimal at present, I realize that depression and stress can only serve to make some things even worse. As I was taking my beginner's art supplies to the register, though, I had one of those flickering moments of enlightenment. Mine was, "We only ever really have right now." And that's so true. I spend so much time worrying about what the future has in store, and what's to come and how am I going to make it to this milestone or that milestone on the Timeline of Things Yet to Come. As trite as it sounds, that country song "Live Like You Were Dying" has a lot of wisdom in it. Not every moment of our lives will be filled with happiness, but all we can do is attempt to make the very best of this moment. Right now. Don't put off trying that thing that you've always wanted to try until tomorrow, or next month, or next year. Sure, maybe some things might be out of your reach financially, but some things are as simple as learning how to knit, or how to cook, or how to draw. Or taking walks for pleasure. Or loving yourself, in whatever way you've been depriving yourself until now.
One of my favorite film scenes of all time is in the French film "Amelie" - a film that I implore you rent and watch tonight if you haven't ever seen it. At the start of the film, we are introduced to the little things that bring pleasure in Amelie's life - one of them being when she sinks her hand into a barrel of dry lentils in an outdoor market and the camera cuts to her face and she's glowing with happiness. What brings you that kind of simple happiness? For me, I suppose it's that first indulgent cup of Douwe-Egberts coffee in the morning, laced with a dab of unsweetened cocoa almond milk. Or pressing snooze on my phone for another five minutes when it sings to me to wake up.
And crying. Crying is a guilty pleasure of mine. One of the greatest abuses that society has heaped upon young boys and men is telling them that tears are a sign of weakness. My father was guilty of that as well - but he was also guilty of trying to push me through a square hole of "normalcy" that I passively resisted, which was such bollocks because he spent his own life bucking against the strictures of "normal" society. Ironically, those qualities were what I admired most about him - but they seemed to be the things that society had convinced him to be ashamed of in himself. I don't think I ever saw my father cry. That breaks my heart. A man who is not intimately in touch with his own feelings and his own emotions is spiritually disabled. I'm not saying that one should spend a lifetime sobbing. But sometimes it's necessary.
If there is one piece of advice that I could give to those of my biological predisposition ... it's "Cry, damn you. Your legs will be stronger for the time you spend on your knees, and your soul is so much deeper than you allow it to be. Tears are wiper fluid for the soul."
I must say that I am in much better spirits than I was at the start of this week.
A local friend helped me out in a big way, and has potentially removed a huge burden from my shoulders. She even invited me over for dinner and sent me home with potato soup to last me for a few days ... and bread products, homemade apple butter, rice made with chicken stock and baby carrots. Having a friend like her is like one of the best things ever.
Today has been laid back and relaxed. I stopped at the library to pick up some drawing books that were on reserve and bought some basic sketching supplies at the discount shop. I've always wanted to learn how to draw well, but never invested a lot of time in polishing my skills. Recently those yearnings have returned and I have to hope that I inherited at least some of the same artistic genes that were passed down from my father to my sister. The pencils and tools that I bought today are probably pretty poor quality, but I didn't spend a lot on them either - I figure there's no point until and unless the bug hits me and I really get into it.
I've been spending a lot of time worrying lately. As my health is not optimal at present, I realize that depression and stress can only serve to make some things even worse. As I was taking my beginner's art supplies to the register, though, I had one of those flickering moments of enlightenment. Mine was, "We only ever really have right now." And that's so true. I spend so much time worrying about what the future has in store, and what's to come and how am I going to make it to this milestone or that milestone on the Timeline of Things Yet to Come. As trite as it sounds, that country song "Live Like You Were Dying" has a lot of wisdom in it. Not every moment of our lives will be filled with happiness, but all we can do is attempt to make the very best of this moment. Right now. Don't put off trying that thing that you've always wanted to try until tomorrow, or next month, or next year. Sure, maybe some things might be out of your reach financially, but some things are as simple as learning how to knit, or how to cook, or how to draw. Or taking walks for pleasure. Or loving yourself, in whatever way you've been depriving yourself until now.
One of my favorite film scenes of all time is in the French film "Amelie" - a film that I implore you rent and watch tonight if you haven't ever seen it. At the start of the film, we are introduced to the little things that bring pleasure in Amelie's life - one of them being when she sinks her hand into a barrel of dry lentils in an outdoor market and the camera cuts to her face and she's glowing with happiness. What brings you that kind of simple happiness? For me, I suppose it's that first indulgent cup of Douwe-Egberts coffee in the morning, laced with a dab of unsweetened cocoa almond milk. Or pressing snooze on my phone for another five minutes when it sings to me to wake up.
And crying. Crying is a guilty pleasure of mine. One of the greatest abuses that society has heaped upon young boys and men is telling them that tears are a sign of weakness. My father was guilty of that as well - but he was also guilty of trying to push me through a square hole of "normalcy" that I passively resisted, which was such bollocks because he spent his own life bucking against the strictures of "normal" society. Ironically, those qualities were what I admired most about him - but they seemed to be the things that society had convinced him to be ashamed of in himself. I don't think I ever saw my father cry. That breaks my heart. A man who is not intimately in touch with his own feelings and his own emotions is spiritually disabled. I'm not saying that one should spend a lifetime sobbing. But sometimes it's necessary.
If there is one piece of advice that I could give to those of my biological predisposition ... it's "Cry, damn you. Your legs will be stronger for the time you spend on your knees, and your soul is so much deeper than you allow it to be. Tears are wiper fluid for the soul."
Very Important Update
Posted 16 years agoI have not written a new journal in a while.
So I thought I would pop in to say ...
HOLY JEEZ I ATE WAY TOO MUCH SPICY CHICKEN FRIED RICE JUST NOW.
I'm going to roll down the hallway now and explode. Kbai!
So I thought I would pop in to say ...
HOLY JEEZ I ATE WAY TOO MUCH SPICY CHICKEN FRIED RICE JUST NOW.
I'm going to roll down the hallway now and explode. Kbai!
"Journal Has Been Deleted By Poster"
Posted 16 years agoI've seen a lot of these in just the past couple of days.
It makes me wonder what I've missed.
It makes me wonder what I've missed.
Oooh, A Fursonal Profile ... Thingy!
Posted 16 years agoIntroduction
*Are you a furry?
Why, what makes you think that? ;)
*If you have a Spouse/SO - Is he/she a furry too?
I had a SO - who turned out to be virulently anti-furry. This is something that I found to be quite disheartening, since they were such an advocate of tolerance for a lot of other orientations/lifestyles. Needless to say, this person is now my ex-SO.
*How long have you been in the community?
In the community? In RL ... a month. (If it counts to anyone, 1.5 years in SL.)
*How did you find furry?
Actually, I had been exposed to it by some friends several years ago but never did quite "get it" at the time. Then I had a friend pique my curiosity about Second Life, and one day I found a friend of mine wearing one of the cutest bunnehs I had ever seen. Eventually I obtained my own, and discovered SL's furry fandom in the process.
*What's your reason for furry (what interested you to get into the community)?
1) It's fun!; 2) It is an outlet for aspects of my personality that tend to get bottled up; 3) I greatly admire the fantastic artistic talents of many of those in the fandom; 4) It's sexy; 5) Most of the people in the fandom are absolutely amazing, fun, wonderful people; 6) I *really* love being cute.
*What's Furry to you?
Appreciation of anthropomorphic manifestations of members of the animal kingdom.
*If someone found out you're a furry and asked you about it how would you respond?
At this point, as new as I am to the fandom, I'd probably stammer a lot and make a botch of it.
*What are your favorite aspects of our community?
The art/talent/creativity; the open-mindedness of many of those in the community.
*Do you use any furry terms? (i.e. yiff, paws, murr?)
All of the above, and more. (Although I will generally only "rawr" out loud if not-sober.)
*What do you wish furry was NOT associated with?
Pretty much anything that implies a lack of/inability to consent, although this is more to quash the perceptions of those in our society who prefer to react, rather than think. (Of course, anything *genuinely* non-consensual is a great big mega-huge NO in my book.)
*How strongly do you feel about someone bashing the community as a whole?
Ignorance is a horrible disease, and often incurable.
*How strongly do you feel about anyone bashing you yourself for your interest based on the media's aspect of what furry is?
If they refuse to listen to another point of view, then at a certain point, any time I spend talking with them is wasted.
*We all know furries have alot of sexual aspects in this fandom, What's your opinion on it?
"Yes, please." Seriously, though, it's fantasy - just like any other type of RP. I was raised at a very early age to keep an open mind and think for myself. A Playboy Bunny wears ears and a tail and nobody (well, nobody except perhaps the Taliban and other fundamentalist sects) considers that a crime against nature. There's a primal reason why some people desire fur coats. We have a mind an an imagination for a reason - the brain is our largest sexual organ. And repression is a bad, bad thing.
Personal
*What is/are your fursona(s)?
Lapine, two-tone mottled fur.
*Do you have any fetishes that pertain to the fandom?
None in particular that immediately come to mind. Why, do you want to teach me some? ^_^
*If you could magically morph into your fursona would you?
I could see myself doing that, yes.
*Do you believe you have a spirit animal?
The skeptic in me is always at odds with the spiritualist in me when it comes to this question. I prefer to say "yes".
*What other fanbases/groups are you a part of?
Second Life.
*Anthro/Feral, Therian or Kemonomimi?
Anthro.
*Are you a fursuiter? If yes, how many do you own? If No, do you ever plan on being a suiter?
Not at present, but when finances permit, I would like to be.
*How many of your friends are furry?
I don't have many friends in this town (a dilemma which stems from my prior relationship). I hope to make some local friends in the fandom.
*How many pets do you own, if any?
I shared two beautiful cats with my ex, but she took custody of them when we split up.
*Aside from furry what other interests do you have?
Film making and collecting, DJing, music composition and performance, and writing. My drawing abilities are rudimentary, but I hope to improve on them.
*Are you confident enough in yourself to say that you're a fur, no matter what the media says?
I believe so.
Meetups
*Do you attend any cons? If no, would you attend any cons?
Oklacon 2009 was my first, but definitely not my last!
*Do you go to local meetups(bowling, public outings...etc)?
I hope to.
*Have you ever attended a furry party? If no, would you attend one?
Not yet. I would, definitely. I would host one, in fact.
Online
*Have you ever met up with a fur you talked to online?
Corsi!
*What furry websites do you attend?
FA, at the moment.
*What non furry websites do you frequent?
LJ, SL Universe, Plurk. Also, Second Life, but that's not really a website.
*Has the fandom done anything for you that you're thankful for? Has it taught you anything or brought you anything you treasure greatly?
Ask me this question in a year. :3
*Are you a furry?
Why, what makes you think that? ;)
*If you have a Spouse/SO - Is he/she a furry too?
I had a SO - who turned out to be virulently anti-furry. This is something that I found to be quite disheartening, since they were such an advocate of tolerance for a lot of other orientations/lifestyles. Needless to say, this person is now my ex-SO.
*How long have you been in the community?
In the community? In RL ... a month. (If it counts to anyone, 1.5 years in SL.)
*How did you find furry?
Actually, I had been exposed to it by some friends several years ago but never did quite "get it" at the time. Then I had a friend pique my curiosity about Second Life, and one day I found a friend of mine wearing one of the cutest bunnehs I had ever seen. Eventually I obtained my own, and discovered SL's furry fandom in the process.
*What's your reason for furry (what interested you to get into the community)?
1) It's fun!; 2) It is an outlet for aspects of my personality that tend to get bottled up; 3) I greatly admire the fantastic artistic talents of many of those in the fandom; 4) It's sexy; 5) Most of the people in the fandom are absolutely amazing, fun, wonderful people; 6) I *really* love being cute.
*What's Furry to you?
Appreciation of anthropomorphic manifestations of members of the animal kingdom.
*If someone found out you're a furry and asked you about it how would you respond?
At this point, as new as I am to the fandom, I'd probably stammer a lot and make a botch of it.
*What are your favorite aspects of our community?
The art/talent/creativity; the open-mindedness of many of those in the community.
*Do you use any furry terms? (i.e. yiff, paws, murr?)
All of the above, and more. (Although I will generally only "rawr" out loud if not-sober.)
*What do you wish furry was NOT associated with?
Pretty much anything that implies a lack of/inability to consent, although this is more to quash the perceptions of those in our society who prefer to react, rather than think. (Of course, anything *genuinely* non-consensual is a great big mega-huge NO in my book.)
*How strongly do you feel about someone bashing the community as a whole?
Ignorance is a horrible disease, and often incurable.
*How strongly do you feel about anyone bashing you yourself for your interest based on the media's aspect of what furry is?
If they refuse to listen to another point of view, then at a certain point, any time I spend talking with them is wasted.
*We all know furries have alot of sexual aspects in this fandom, What's your opinion on it?
"Yes, please." Seriously, though, it's fantasy - just like any other type of RP. I was raised at a very early age to keep an open mind and think for myself. A Playboy Bunny wears ears and a tail and nobody (well, nobody except perhaps the Taliban and other fundamentalist sects) considers that a crime against nature. There's a primal reason why some people desire fur coats. We have a mind an an imagination for a reason - the brain is our largest sexual organ. And repression is a bad, bad thing.
Personal
*What is/are your fursona(s)?
Lapine, two-tone mottled fur.
*Do you have any fetishes that pertain to the fandom?
None in particular that immediately come to mind. Why, do you want to teach me some? ^_^
*If you could magically morph into your fursona would you?
I could see myself doing that, yes.
*Do you believe you have a spirit animal?
The skeptic in me is always at odds with the spiritualist in me when it comes to this question. I prefer to say "yes".
*What other fanbases/groups are you a part of?
Second Life.
*Anthro/Feral, Therian or Kemonomimi?
Anthro.
*Are you a fursuiter? If yes, how many do you own? If No, do you ever plan on being a suiter?
Not at present, but when finances permit, I would like to be.
*How many of your friends are furry?
I don't have many friends in this town (a dilemma which stems from my prior relationship). I hope to make some local friends in the fandom.
*How many pets do you own, if any?
I shared two beautiful cats with my ex, but she took custody of them when we split up.
*Aside from furry what other interests do you have?
Film making and collecting, DJing, music composition and performance, and writing. My drawing abilities are rudimentary, but I hope to improve on them.
*Are you confident enough in yourself to say that you're a fur, no matter what the media says?
I believe so.
Meetups
*Do you attend any cons? If no, would you attend any cons?
Oklacon 2009 was my first, but definitely not my last!
*Do you go to local meetups(bowling, public outings...etc)?
I hope to.
*Have you ever attended a furry party? If no, would you attend one?
Not yet. I would, definitely. I would host one, in fact.
Online
*Have you ever met up with a fur you talked to online?
Corsi!
*What furry websites do you attend?
FA, at the moment.
*What non furry websites do you frequent?
LJ, SL Universe, Plurk. Also, Second Life, but that's not really a website.
*Has the fandom done anything for you that you're thankful for? Has it taught you anything or brought you anything you treasure greatly?
Ask me this question in a year. :3
Uh-Oh
Posted 16 years agoI feel an epic journal entry coming. I forewarn you, it may seem a smidge on the whinging side. Humor me, though.
Back from Oklacon!
Posted 16 years agoWhooooo! My first con. Wow, that was a lot of fun! Sorry to anyone I met if I looked a bit dazed, I'm always like that around large groups of people that I've never met before. Thank you to everyone who was so kind to me - and if you see this please leave me a note so I know how to find you. (I told you, I'm horrible with names! *grin*)
Letting My Furry Flag Fly
Posted 16 years agoYou know that feeling that you get when you're finally out from under the thumb of someone else's judgment ...
... that oppression that causes you to hold back from being everything you know you could and should be?
I'm having that feeling right now.
Hello, friends. My name is Moxie, and I'm proud to say ... "Pleased to meet you. I'm a furvert."
... that oppression that causes you to hold back from being everything you know you could and should be?
I'm having that feeling right now.
Hello, friends. My name is Moxie, and I'm proud to say ... "Pleased to meet you. I'm a furvert."
