No worries!
I'm returning later.

The chance is in memories. Visions of the future.
I can only build a serious relationship once in my life. It's in living it all or nothing, and knowing it can someday be broken.
You invest your heart, soul, and mind. Enveloping in black. Second time around, there will be grey.
It's about how open you can get. Strangers, acquaintances, friends, and love.

Call me old fashioned, but I'm not into serious relationships that aren't person to person.
Wish I was 50 in the 60's. Can't explain, you won't understand.

Been to the casino a few times now. Only leaving with more money. No longer looking for conversation (if it happens, great). At the core, it's all a game of Risk. Within this world though there is technique (there's always technique). On the surface, it's very easy to overlook. With just about everything, I consider myself to be real open-minded. Here, I'm testing slots and tables.

Slots. Either way, It's about eliminating blind luck. The greatest gamble seems to be where you first seat. In most locations, once you're down, your ass is grounded. Beware of the elderly. They'll sneak up and hop your ride once you call it quits.

- Don't play on machines that have had a last win of any sum. (You want 0's and high last bets.)
- If you're smooth, keep notes on where everyone is at. Acknowledge body expressions (who's winning and who's losing, etc).
- If you've come out with more money than you started and seem to have won anything above 'minimal', move machines. Don't let the machine suck blood. It's a desert.
- On the machine, pay attention to the angles you can win. If you could've won big with a higher bet (and different angles), consider it a lost and try moving machines.
- 'Loose' American machines seem to be cashing out better than Japanese machines. Not sure though. Gonna' find the programming rules tonight.
- Feeling brave? Follow suit as the elderly, and snatch a ride.

Next you have tables and dice. Dice are mystic. I'm certain you could ace in knowing your own movement, blood pressure, and their shape/size/position/face/weight. Tables are all about playing it safe. Intuition is lost in knowing the game well enough. You can always play 21 to an equation. Complete counter-balance of the 'loss' zone. Poker is different. It'd be nice to play Poker with friends, or enemies.

It's still not all in my favor, but one way or another, it'll be eventually. Risk regardless.

Snatched from, Spats.

YOU JUST WOKE UP NAKED IN BED NEXT TO ME who is also nude... using only 3 words, what would you say to me??

Note: If you comment, please copy and paste this as your journal, so I can comment on yours as well. *lights up a cigarette*

Went to the casino tonight with a real cool mutual gal friend. Smoked a bit. Haven't for a while and was feeling very tense and nervous. At first hesitation struck in, but it settled; I needed some time out.

It was hard to find a composure. From the get go I knew there would just be a lot of conversation. That's where I put my mind.

Much to think about. The locations of everything, the machines, the mannerisms, and the people. We only came to play slots, but the tables were in the middle; you could take a look and imagine. I tried to ease tension by developing a walk, and playing with the casino card. The layouts of the machines and the people around became the ocean. I thought for a while.

Peripheral vision and character. Without a real ability to talk with a dealer, the placement of the machines, and the people playing on em' became the place of my focus.

I tried to imagine why the machines were placed as they were and how the conversation would work out (glances, drifts, etc. whatever). There wasn't much that I could hop into. Some, but we're talking about Really just lettin' it go. There was a furry machine. It had a skunk on it, "this stinks." That just wouldn't work out, regardless of how many drinks. Gazin' and walkin' around. I played on a chameleon machine and won $15.00. Later the winnin's helped to buy a candy bar.

The night was nice. I'm gonna' go out again sometime and really enjoy it.
I want to be an average guy, and secretly operate my own casino or Japanese arcade. I'd get it going. Maybe in time. Many other thoughts, but yeah. I've been drawing and playing a lot of music.

(random, but related: ever watch those poker shows? the guys all look dead. what's the point of watching professional poker if everyone is locked. Without character blah, etc.)

Time keeps changing, and I'm back where I started. Four / five years of all of it. Spent a long while searching for an aim. Finding where I'm at between points and paths. Memorable days are all we're looking for, and it's difficult in choosing, because you'll never get it back. Growing character and obtaining vision. Lost in Dreaming. Feel matured in filling these shoes. First time I've really felt content. I know where I want to go, and I know how to get there.

It's hard to word, but it's a funny feeling. Confidence. Meeting at what's self-fulfilling. And as it goes, what's here won't stay forever. Holdin' onto that life in makin' all this real again.

A lot has been happening. Gettin' ready to head out -- it's a real nice day.
Warm with a cool breeze.

Not sure what the future looks like. Need to really think through thoughts.

Some really immense stuff has happened all at once today. We find out a real amazing, hip, kind, loving gal and her partner died. There's much more of the story, but that's all to share here.

Evidently, they raised, loved, and talked to a white wolf. She's a few miles away, but I'm going to visit her each day and see if I can talk to her, be myself, and feel how well we can get along.

The wolf is 8 years of age. Any thoughts? I might record journals of where this goes. There are so many thoughts abound.


Some off the top (assuming we develop a close bond): I don't want to have a relationship where I own her, or she owns me. If she responds real well to love, I'd hope to be able to get her to pick up on what a person is vibe'n to. I'd want her to be able to get along. I'd need to make sure she won't ever attack a person (ideally, anything? -- just as a person is willingly able to). I'd want her to be free within that boundary. If she willingly wants to be around me, she has to be ok with eventually traveling. If she wants to travel I want to see if there's any way to get her back to the wild.

Hopefully the first meeting goes well. I'll be visiting later tonight.

I'm gonna' make it happen. Been thinking and looking around. I want to travel. I want to hear stories, meet people, experience nature, and eat. First, around the states. Gonna' learn a few trades, develop some handy skills (cars, fishin' etc.), keep doing what I love, and save for a travel trailer or RV. Just want to get outside more and see it all.

It'll be difficult to save and work toward it, and time keeps holding me down, but by gosh darn it, I know I can make it happen.

Between being asleep and awake, I can't see much difference in dreaming to existing. And within points to be made, many seem more clear and vibrant in that of what isn't to that of what is.

I'm currently traveling something fierce and thought to check FA. Decided to place up some older sketches. In more recent doodles I've been usin' much color; however, this current batch isn't too with it. From here, I'm getting further into music and attempting to build a few projects toward launch.

All that aside, lately I have many thoughts abound that I'd like to share. Figured it simple enough to place a few of em' on this site (in them ol' days it was the weekly panda). Perhaps I'll get a re-location going next week -- writing thoughts out here isn't too flexible. Any way, let's begin.

- Genetics and the 'Self'
Been confused on thoughts regarding the ego, self, etc. for a while, but seem to have it narrowed down. What it means, doesn't much matter. Previously thought on not sharing these thoughts, but honestly, I don't feel comfortable just keeping em' in the back of my mind. Asides, there's much more ground to cover.

In starting, it seems that the entirety of the self may first generate as a perspective. This perspective grows and adapts into reality through encompassing moment to moment strata and compilations (being computations, choice, growth etc.) of 'reality' over a duration of time in combination with varying degrees of the life-form's genetic make-up.

The strata discussed would consist of any stimuli both complex or simple that is intercepted by the form of life. Examples of perhaps more generic or initial stimuli would include light through the eye, smell, hearing, and any form of sensation to a nerve. With growth (and as our common definition of a 'self' develops) more complex stimuli takes shape and can be used as a method of communication / transmission. An example would be a form of language native to the environment of the life form (whether it be customs among a species or the native language of a human being [lexicon, grammar, gestures, mannerisms, culture, etc.]).

In mixture with this strata our formulation of a perspective (that [usually] continually develops and alters over the cycle from birth to death) generates an identity that begins to form its own decisions. Humans are something unique in this model, as we seem to grow into the ability to generate an identity that can harness the mind with which to go in just about any direction at any time. We currently have an extraordinary amount of control over the way our mind works. With any species it seems easiest to apply a metaphor of a life-form existing as a single-cell. The perspective and self it grows to interact with in its reality is specific to that entity. From here, the genetics.

It must be said that anyone classifiable as a 'geneticist' is riding on a boat in empty water and probably contains an additional amount of vast bullshit not worth hearing. With that said, genetic material does come into play at some depth in regards to the subject at hand. Among life our genetic make-up (DNA [the message], blood, genes, etc.) constructs the foundations of an entity's perspective / identity the self generates. Much of this construct simply creates assumptive estimations on what you can and can't do with the vessel you're given. How far it can fly, how deep it can smell, how fast it can run, how its metabolism works, and from there an ingredient with great weight: what chemicals it sends through the body among atmospheres/environments/perspectives/mindsets etc. In regards to the chemicals life-forms ignite, as human beings we additionally seem to have a somewhat stronger ability to harness the mind and control these reactions and their effect on choice.

That's about it for now. In such thoughts it must be noted that in the intricacy of our self perspective every finest detail imaginable is a variable in the shape we first form from birth in the womb to birth in the world to a self that pulls depth and grows an ever changing perspective. Without breaking the legitimization of these thoughts, it certainly seems possible that astrology may even have a form of weight in this equation. The gravity and magnetic fields the planets emit could very well shape life on Earth to a certain degree.

As people, culture and history have a great weight in all of this. And of course, in this field, there is a boundary seemingly infinite. Life thrives.

- Theory on Time
The following notes don't have anywhere near the significance of the first segment; however, they're still here to share.

Without regards to planck time or what have that, I have a theory that our sense of time (and the sense of time we've adapted to as a form of life in this location/environment) is formed through the magnetic force, gravity, and dark matter around the earth, our position in the galaxy, and these forces amongst and within the galaxy itself (from within our galaxy, the super-massive black hole, and from outside, the dark matter holding our galaxy together). It seems possible that the measurement of time and our experience with it may be held through these forces. The validity, in varied fragments of whatever depth to these thoughts are not much to be known. Regardless, they're all still movin' about.

The equilibrium formed and adaptations to this combination of gravitational force, magnetic force, and dark matter (along with any additional pulls and forces) may construct our current definition of 'time' in this environment.

-

If I'm able to find a proper location to drop off thoughts, I should have material suited next time round that's much more helpful/useful/practical. Just wanted to toss this stone first. If you have any questions, input, etc. I might not respond. Sorry and Cheers.