Especially since I pretty much became a pariah in the furry wrestling community...

But I finally found a therapist and a psychiatrist (well, psychiatric nurse practitioner) I can afford. It's not free, but thanks to a sliding scale discount, I can afford it. I'm finally getting help facing the demons that so many of my ex-friends claimed I didn't want to face. Maybe now I can finally begin to heal...hopefully even help me forget the people who've abandoned/betrayed me...or the ones I've wronged...and written me off. I realize it won't be an easy road...but I deserve to be happy, too.

Right now, I'm working through a period where I believe every wrong is unforgivable, and all damage is irreparable.

No otters, otter-sympathizers, or lions, please.

With a couple of emails and a bit of patience, I finally got my FA account back! Yay!

That said, I have an account on FurryNetwork now!

Have I really been a member here for almost 10 years? It doesn't feel like it's been that long!

Here's to many more!

I am okay with it, I guess. Not necessarily head-over-heels happy about it. To me, it just means you lose half your stuff in addition to your S.O. if you decide to sow your oats in another field.

If you have Story of Seasons, by all means, add me! 3DS FC is on my profile page.

Q: What do you say to a furry who wants to off himself?

...No, that's not the opening to a joke, that's a serious question.  Nova_Draconus is having a serious life crisis, but I really suck at finding the right words to cheer someone up, and he really, truly needs all the support he can get...

Yeah, I'm still clinging to my virginity...

I actually found two gay/bi pro wrestlers, at least one of which I was hoping to give it to...but one became frustratingly hard to get in touch with after we actually met in person, and the other...not only does not seem to be interested, but also seems to have completely disappeared from the internet.

I know it seems like I'm being unreasonable, but you only lose your virginity once, and I don't want to lose it to some random person. I'm looking for someone who will WRESTLE it away from me, who's willing to SLAM me down and PIN me over and over again...or the other way around...and someone who does that kind of thing PROFESSIONALLY.

Sigh...the search continues.

If you want to end your friendship with someone, or even just don't want to talk to someone, fine. But let them know that you don't want to talk to or be friends with them, and why. Don't just start avoiding/ignoring them out of nowhere, and leave them wondering. It's an asshole move, and it's extremely frustrating. It seems like more and more of my friends (and ex-friends, in the case of at least one asshole who was at least nice enough to tell me why he cut me off before telling me to kindly fuck off and blocking me--thank you for that, by the way; you know who you are, not that you're reading this--rather than just ducking me at every communication attempt like he had originally been doing--fuck you for that, by the way; again, you know who you are, not that you're reading this.)

Clean breaks can create enemies, but just ducking out and hoping either you never see that person again, or they eventually take the hint, is a truly shitty move. Some people have learned not to jump to conclusions, and will not assume the friendship is over until the other people themselves tell them it's over.

So here. To any and all of you who have been avoiding me in hopes that I'll give up and go away, or else are at your limits with me and are ready to turn tail and run, here is your chance to make a clean break. Tell me here that you want to end the friendship, and why.

I've had it. I am one more lost friend away from cutting off all of my existing friendships. I've lost two friends with no initial explanation (though one finally essentially told me to fuck off after telling me why he wants nothing more to do with me, while the other is still remaining completely silent), and a third (actually the first)...while it wasn't without explanation, and the bridge was eventually rebuilt, it was still 7 years of lingering anguish and a scar that will never heal.

I love you all, but I'm about 95% convinced that every last one of you is going to cut me off like that sooner or later. I would rather live my life in complete solitude than to go through that again.

Oh my god I'm going to FWA! =D
Oh my god I'm getting laid! =D

...

Oh my god I don't have a badge prepared! D=
Oh my god I'm getting laid! D=

Seriously. At the middle of every month, I get really irritable, and it's not uncommon for me to fap 5-7 times a day until it ends.

I really need to get better at drawing so that I can complain about the rarity of decent artists without feeling like a hypocrite. :P

...do you have to be to create an account on a site EXCLUSIVELY for the purpose of trolling the other members of it?

Everyone keep a watch out for  yourpersonallucifer. That "person's" sole purpose on this site is to troll other members.

The male sexiness is packed in this game as tightly as their abs! You've got the Minotaur monsters (whose flavor text makes a reference to their tight pants), 'Zilla-family giant monsters (think Godzilla after he's been working his pecs and abs for a few hundred years), and the Water Shrine boss, Oblitergator...oh, this one is perhaps the sexiest of all. He's a gator with a nice, wiell-toned body with spiked iron boxing gloves and a sexy Aussie accent who fights you in a boxing ring. The sexiness alone is the one and only reason I'm not frustrated that I can't freakin' beat him!

The official character trailer of Phoenix Wright in Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3 has been released!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZBXsZi3g88

Anyone have a 3DS? Add me! My code is 3659-0258-1945!

Okay, so a while back, I heard about this little DS game called Animal Boxing. And recently, a friend of mine reminded me of its existence. It's a game where you play as a human (boooo!) who wants to join a society of furs (yaaaay!) and just when you're about to be accepted, they build a boxing gym, and everyone else joins. So many non-furries complain that this game is animal cruelty/abuse, and that PETA would get their panties in a bunch if they ever found out about the game. But I digress.

Although all the fighters in the game are semi-chibi (think Animal Crossing, but with very slightly larger bodies and most of which are scantily clad, as boxers should be), I have found many of these fighters to be incredibly sexy, despite the character design. Here, I will list all the characters in the game that I think are sexy as hell (they are grouped by species):

Cat:
Trina (the name is so deceptive--when I heard it, I though Trina was a female!)

Chameleon:
Leo

Dragons:
Aka
Seiryu

Gators:
Elmer
Freddy

Tigers:
Apolo
Byakko

Wolves:
Bruce
Grey (this is what Wolf O'Donnell would look like if he had both eyes and they were yellow...and he didn't have abs)
Hutch (the only wolf who's initially available...which is good, because this game is extremely hard to me)

Torami the cat could have been on the list, being a fighter with a wrestling mask...if she wasn't female.

So tell me, which boxers, if any, do you find sexy?

So, how many of you have heard of the Mac game Lose/Lose? It's a space fighter game where the aliens you fight are files on your computer in your Home directory, and destroying an alien permanently deletes the file. A terrible game, to be sure, right?

But, with a few major changes, a game like this could be turned into the greatest anti-virus program ever! Using virus definitions, have the game only turn malicious files into aliens (of course, to protect files that turn up as false positives, allow the player to choose which files get turned into aliens), and give the player a choice of three modes of play: Instant (for people who just want to be rid of the things, this simply deletes the malicious files, no game), Easy (aliens only fly straight, and don't fight back), Medium (aliens move around the screen, but still don't fight back), Hard (aliens move around the screen and shoot back), and Very Hard (aliens move around the screen, shoot back, and have high health).

Another way to go about it is to make a game where the aliens aren't files, but the boss aliens ARE malicious files. Using this system, an upgrade system could be put into play to make it easier to destroy malicious files and survive. Upgrades would include things like fire rate, firing multiple bullets at once, firing in multiple directions at once, ship speed, health upgrades...you know, the basic stuff. The in-game currency would be permanent--that is, exiting the program would not cause the currency to be lost. Should the player simply desire to gain in-game currency when they don't have any malicious files on their computer, they can simply play Endless Mode, where the player can play in one of the difficulty modes fighting endless waves of non-file aliens. Every few waves, the player will gain a multiplier that will increase the amount of currency the player gains.

Yeah, I know, that was a long rant...but isn't that what journals are for? :3

I don't know how much longer I can take this. I am NOT a fast worker. In the two months I've been working, I'm still slow as hell at the makeline (where we sauce and top the pizzas and make the side items) and oventending station (where we get food out of the oven, cut/sauce it where appropriate, and box it), and when answering phones, I'm CONSTANTLY stumbling over words and forgetting to ask things. I also have to have my customer repeat things like their names, numbers, addresses, and orders because 1) I may be able to hear talking that most people can't, but I still have trouble UNDERSTANDING the talking, and 2) I get brainfarts, like, every couple of minutes.

Really, the only things I'm any good at are folding boxes, prepping ingredients (discovered that by keeping my face away, I can cut onions without crying), declumping cheese in the freezer (although it still takes me a long time, because I have to warm up my fingers every few boxes...yeah, freshly delivered cheese feels like putting your fingers into millions of tiny cubes of ice), and delivering food (though I'm still known to get lost every now and then, and I'll frequently forget to bring any drinks to the customers).

My hours are gradually getting longer (which I guess is good, because more hours = more money...still, my body's not adjusting well to the longer hours), I'm quickly losing patience with my district manager, and he's been impatient with me from the very start. I need to hurry up and line up a better job so I can quit this one without regret. I've got an associate's degree in Electronics Engineering Technology, maybe I can do something with that.

So! I was recently hired as a delivery driver at my local Papa John's. I had a really great day! I spent most of the day learning the ropes, so I haven't actually gotten much work done, but starting tomorrow, I get actual experience. I learned so much: exactly how much sauce to put on each pizza, what order the toppings go on, how to cut each pizza and call out carryouts and deliveries...

I can already tell I'm going to like this job.

July 4th, 2009. I woke up at around 9:30 in the morning with a terrible pain in my lower right abdomen. I'm thinking it's a result of the Mexican food and overspiced homemade pizza I ate the night before, so I went to the bathroom and went back to bed.

I woke up again shortly after. The pain had not gone away. It was excruciating. I began to think it was appendicitis, but figured that if it was appendicitis, I would be on the floor, in too much pain to even stand up. My brother told me that hopefully, it was just that I'd slept wrong on my side. I semi-dismissed it as that, constantly worrying that it might have been something more serious.

A little later on, we went down to the local retirement home, where my grandmother lives now that her husband (the one from my previous journal) is gone. My side pain was the talk of the poolside (there weren't many people around the pool that weren't family or friends of the family, though...old people really don't seem to like swimming). Getting into the pool seemed to make my side feel a little better, though not much. I also got a slight sunburn, raising my body temperature a little. After a little while, I got out of the pool, dried off, got dressed, and headed for the bathroom. Making a note of the results, I began to think that I had an impacted bowel. The rest of the family got ready, and we all left.

Next, we went over to my sister's house to barbecue. By now, the pain was becoming unbearable. I was grunting and moaning with each step I took. I look a laxative to see if that would help, but it never took effect. I ate a small dinner, and went to lie down in my nephew's bed until it was time to eat ice cream. None of this was doing my side any good. My mother, brother, and I had to duck out a little early because I was in so much pain.

As soon as I got home, I slipped into bed. The pain dulled greatly--which says a lot for the memory foam that my mattress topper is made out of! I laid in bed with my eyes closed and the TV on for 4 1/2-5 hours, unable to get to sleep...not because of the TV, but because I was feverish. I decided I'd had enough, because I wasn't going to get to sleep anytime soon, and I told my brother (who stays up all night anyway) that I wanted to go to the ER. He woke my mother up (to a start, not surprisingly...I think she's a little too jumpy) and told her. It took her about 20-30 minutes to get ready, but we finally made our way down to the ER.

Yadda, yadda, yadda, blah, blah, blah, they found out that it was, in fact, appendicitis, no doubt about it. Cue my very first real surgery, and the longest and most painful 24 hours of my life. The day I was supposed to go home, the doctor told me he may have to keep me for another night, because I met all the criteria to go home EXCEPT to lose the fever! So I spent the next several hours walking around the 4th floor of the hospital trying to bring down my fever. That did the trick long enough to allow me to go home, after all...

I'm glad to be home, sore as I may still be (but it's nowhere near as bad as the appenditis was!). I have a follow-up appointment in about two weeks to have the stitches removed. Hopefully by then, I'll be as good as new.

Last week...April 28, one day after my birthday, at around 5AM, I was playing The Sims 2: Pets on PS2. The phone starts to ring. I'm thinking "Who the hell would call this early in the morning!?" I go to pick up the phone...the caller ID shows my uncle's name and cell number. Before I even picked up the phone, I knew what had happened...

My grandfather, Joel W. Helms, age 76, had died. This was confirmed when I answered the phone to my crying uncle. He had so many things wrong with him, and nobody in the family bothered to ask how he'd died. Turned out to be a blood clot.

It was so sad...in about 3 months, he would've turned 77. At the viewing, my nephew kept point at the body and saying "Joe! Joe!" Poor thing...he's too young to understand that that's a nap he's never waking up from.

On top of all this, mine and my brother's birthdays will never be happy again...his birthday is the day after my brother's, and his death day is the day after mine. Granted, that's not quite as important as the fact that I've now lost both of my grandfathers.

R.I.P. JWH...April 28, 2008.

Lately, I've been having nightmares about a huge mistake I'd made in the past...whenever I'd thought I'd gotten over it, I end up having a nightmare involving one of the other people involved in that mistake. I then wake up nearly suicidally depressed, and want to go talk to that person, even though I know it just won't help.

You see, about three years ago, ~something~ happened between a good friend of mine and me--someone who is actually a member of FA, but I won't mention any names. It came as an enormous shock to me...I guess I couldn't handle a downgrade from "friends with cyber benefits" to just "friends". I flew off the handle and said a bunch of stuff out of shock, frustration, and heartbreak to the third person involved in the incident that would lead to the friendship coming to an abrupt and permanent (it seems) end...that was the mistake.

Making mistakes is entirely normal, this much is true. And I've learned well from this mistake...the next four guys who'd rejected me are still my friends...but I still can't seem to let go of that mistake. As stated before, just when I think I'm finally over it, I have some sort of nightmare that just breaks me down again.

If either of the people mentioned in this journal entry (you know who you are) is reading this...thank you for sticking around long enough to read through it. I'm not asking either of you to consider being friends with me again. All I'm asking is for sincere forgiveness, and hopefully I can finally move on with my life.

On a lighter note, next Sunday is my 22nd birthday. Yee!