Hey all. So, this is gonna be a bit of a long one. Be prepared to sit down and actually read if you are able to do that.


I'm not in a good place right now. Either IRL, online; mental, emotional, physical; you name it, it's not good. Along with the financial struggles at home along with refunding the people whom I owe such to it was already a bit of a stressful situation; combine that with the fact I have not been able to see my mental health counselor in nearly two months (insurance fucked me over) and my overall instability that has become worse and worse over the past course of years and you already have something problematic. I was debating on something, something important, for months now and finally made my decision when I got two HEAVY news-bombs dropped on me within the span of three days at the very beginning of February.

First off...my mother has liver cancer. I found out about it out of absolutely NOWHERE when she dropped the news on me after returning from a doctor check-up. They found about four tumors in the liver itself and apparently the cancer is at Stage 4--which isn't good. She's been undergoing chemo the past two months to shrink the tumors, and the doctors think that they can be surgically removed once they're small enough (the liver is one of the few organs in the body that can re-generate lost tissue apparently). Things have been looking fairly stable, but one of the worst things about cancer OVERALL is that it's completely unpredictable and I'm still terrified. I lost someone, a family member, who was VERY important to me over a decade ago and it traumatized me. I still miss him every day, and I always end up crying if I think too much about him. I can't handle losing another. I really, REALLY can't. Not now. Not this soon...

Second, I am going to need to move. AGAIN. I don't have much of a choice in the matter as my BF's hours got heavily cut due to matters that were out of his control and we can no longer afford the rent for our current unit freely--my income is piss-poor and the employment system is NOT on my side, let's just fucking say. XP; The move date is late April/early May but there are a couple huge problems that have arisen with this; namely that even a studio apartment isn't cheap to begin with out here and on top of that there are certain criteria that need to be met--I am taking our cats with me when I move, so they need to be accounted for as well on top of a handful of other things. I can barely afford my half of the rent with what I currently make...and I sure as hell can't pay for a moving service or anything else at the time. It's an ongoing source of IRL stress and I still have not been able to secure a place at all because my family keeps arguing with me--and like what the fuck can I even do?! With the finances in the state they're currently in I'm at their mercy, which ironically is what I was TRYING to get away from. Fuck almighty.


With all of these issues happening at once, it's made me also realize that...I'm not happy anymore. Like at all. I've tried nearly everything in my power to try and recover; to get better, but there's been very little progress made. I began to think on past events; what could have led to the state of misery I'm in right now in terms of mental and emotional health, and I realized one unfortunate thing:

Most, if not all, of these instances are tied to this account, and the furry community in-general.


Before any of you go slinging accusations at me; NO, I do not hate furries; how the fuck is that possible if I am one?! This community has also allowed for a lot of growth as both an artist and to learn about managing a self-employed small business--plus I've made some wonderful friends in the process. I have zero qualms with the artist and business side of things here as a whole. However, I WILL dislike the other parts of the community, especially the fucking political/Twitter side of things, because over the past couple years it's become increasingly woke and ridiculous and I hate it. I have my own views on things, some here and some there, but there's a reason I don't bother to talk about it--because the consensus on things in this community are fucking stupid. The line between fiction and reality; between "it's just a cartoon" and "I would do this IRL without any boundaries"; between "I like this for the fantasy aspect" and "I would actually do this to people"--it's either been utterly blurred or completely removed, which is not something I'm okay with as it's a VERY dangerous way of thinking on either side. There's a lot of shit I don't agree with in art, but auto-condemning someone because they have a questionable taste in kinks is ungodly stupid to me and I don't really get it. It's always going to exist; there will always be odd/questionable content out there, but it doesn't 100% mean someone is into fucking horses IRL or murdering people or going after children. Like for fuck's sake, understand that in many, MANY cases fiction is just fiction. If it were an actual photograph I would definitely not approve, but it's not real, so just...accept that, for God's sake. Get over yourselves.

Second is the way the community has been treating artists ESPECIALLY as of lately. Despite the rising trend of AI-generated art--which, despite the fact it's just faked work stolen from multiple sources and Frankenstein'd together by a program with no soul whatsoever--it's still free shit and it's still something people can do; yet for some stupid reason people are continuing to treat artists like absolute shit for one reason or another. "You take too long with your work," "No one cares about your problems," "Your prices are unreasonable," "You'd better not ignore me or I'll ruin your reputation because I have the power to do that" (and YES that last one is a thing; I have received such threats before). Now I can accept criticism--I'm not necessarily happy with it most of the time, at least not at first, but if it involves the art it's still feedback and I still take it into mind. And yes, customers have rights too--but the issue is a lot of them have been getting TOO entitled and therein lies the problem. Even other artists--mostly sociopaths with a God complex or some kind of inner insecurity, more than likely--have been shitting on artists; one of my friends literally got harassed by another user on here because he was mourning the death of a family member and this...PERSON(?)...just screamed at my BF over it, even comparing the said death to the death of a goldfish which is uncalled for and fucked any way you slice it. Artists are people and have IRL issues they are dealing with too. If you're going to treat them like they have no rights then do us all a favor and fuck off. Go get some AI to do your OC or whatever the shit. You'll save us a lot of trouble. :P

People who ask for requests or try to get free art are even worse, but I'm not going to tackle that because this entry is already long enough as is and...the crowd really just speaks for itself. XP


So with all these thoughts, and with things being what they are, and with just all the frustration in-general, I have made my decision, and it is in-stone this time: once everyone is refunded, I am leaving this account, for good this time. I came here for two things--to make friends, and to enjoy/post artwork. I am barely doing either of those things nowadays because of how fucked things have been in both this community, this profile, and IRL. So I have to leave this profile behind. It's the only way I will be able to properly recover.


This does not mean I am going to stop making artwork, nor does it mean I am abandoning my current interests or close friends. But I will not be posting anything to the public for awhile, and when I eventually do it will be under a different username and a different website. I am still figuring out where--I hate DA and Twitter alike with a burning passion--but I will figure something out.


I have already removed a chunk of older submissions (for various reasons) and most if not all of my older work has been scrapped. Because I don't want to bother with idiotic commentary or worry about moderation, I am disabling comments on my submissions, and when I leave this profile shouts/notes will be blocked as well as allowing guests to view my page or its contents. If you wanna upload my shit to Derpi, then fine, but the rules STILL apply and I can still choose to make myself DNP any time I want. Think carefully. I'm already fed up with the Brony fandom as-is.


To everyone who actually liked my work for what it was...I'm sorry. If I felt there was an alternate route I would take it, but that's just not what's going to happen right now. My state of health, finances, and overall ability to socialize are all in the dumpster and I just can't handle this anymore. I will not leave a forwarding account--if I do happen to obtain one--here, but those who know how to reach me, can reach me one way or another. It has to be this way, for my sake, and my sake in this situation is the most important thing.

Thank you for your time, and stay safe out there. 💜✌

Yeah, I know that this isn't what any of you wanted to hear...but it cannot be helped. I'm afraid that due to several extremely stressful/taxing IRL issues--ones that legitimately threaten the lives of my family AND my personal wellbeing--that I will have to remain inactive awhile longer. My mental threshold in terms of both personal anxiety AND others' bullshit is extremely low rn, and I'm not going to deal with both IRL *and* online crap at the same time. I might come here to occasionally check messages/favorite stuff, but that's mostly what's going to be happening until I figure out a way to resolve at least one of the issues that have suddenly come up. Have had like...three different news-nukes dropped on me within the past fucking week, and I need to keep myself sedated/high a constant basis just to deal.

I am not going to go into detail on these issues here, as I feel that a) no one would actually care and b) I've gotten very rude/hateful toxicity from idiots before when explaining similar issues in the past, to the point where I just don't want to bother. I've let the people whom I trust know about what's happening and that's enough for right now in terms of me explaining things.

I have a few other concerns regarding the future of this account/art, but I'm also not going to go into that right now, as that's separate from IRL and is not my primary concern.

Sorry again.

Alright, so...we're already two days into the New Year. So far, so good. However, I do want to address a couple things, that I will maybe compile into further detail later on, but it's about time I just flat-out admitted it to myself, and stated to everyone that:

For those of you whom are still waiting on a refund from me; for those who tried to commission me in the past but I did not get things done; I am so, SO sorry.


I should have stopped in 2018/2019 when things REALLY started to get bad, but for the longest time I was doing this under the sheer delusion that I "could handle it" despite all the bullshit that was happening IRL. Turns out, I couldn't. At least not to the extent I was hoping for. It took me forever and a day to admit that, perhaps because I was nervous and just would not let go of my pride complex. YES, the funds were used to aid in paying for rent. What I make currently isn't enough to even cover a month of rent in one of those cockroach-ridden places, although I am working on remedying that. Regardless I should have thought of a better pay system. One of the sole reasons I took shit up-front was because of the horror stories I had heard from other artist friends, years and years ago, about the experiences they had getting japed by customers. Now I've got randos going around claiming that I'm "stealing from others without remorse" which is an outright LIE.

Of COURSE I feel guilt for this shit. Of COURSE I feel responsible. Why do you think I've been so stressed all this time? Why do you think I've indefinitely cancelled commissions? There has been a LOT of thought and near-obsessive thinking with righting this wrong and although it's going way, WAY slower than I have any comfort with...I'm hoping I can manage. I have plans to start the drive with Chelsie later in the month (with any luck) and I am currently working a job (albeit part-time) to aid with obtaining the necessary funds. I have taken records of every non-invoice transaction that was not taken care of; consulted my Trello for the necessary refunds; made a list in my Reminders of the people and amount(s) needed.

How this started is...a long, long story. Again I may compile that later on in a Google Doc or something. But I shouldn't have let it get to this point. Again, I am sorry.

I don't want to keep this a tl;dr so I will leave it be at that. I just...feel really shitty about this and have been for quite some time.

--

Plans for this year are numerous, and I hope to accomplish more this year than I did last year. The road is rough but I'm not throwing in the towel just yet. Not when I'm starting to actually make headway on identifying my issues here and IRL.

Stay safe this year, everyone.

Pretty much what it says on the tin.

I had a bigger tangent/explanation prepared but it's extremely bitter and venomous in nature and I'm dealing with enough shit lately. Just know that I have my reasons and that they are valid.

I'm still leaving the past artwork(s) up here because I know that some people enjoy them, so.

Comments are disabled because I could care less about anyone's asshole whining/bitching. If you try to send me irritating notes/shouts, you will be auto-blocked. End of story.

I am completely and utterly DONE with putting up with peoples' self-entitled bullshit, so just accept it for what it is.

Sorry. :P

So I think I've sorted it out enough to finally drop this Dropbox link here ^^ Presenting the Patreon Prior archive in all its....graphic...ness

https://www.dropbox.com/sh/34v6zq3w.....s9FEDe2va?dl=0

For a quick overview of things I'll answer some probably-FAQ questions below...

* For those whom were patrons for a longer period of time in the past, you may notice that there are a couple images that were not uploaded to the archive; this is due to personal issues/conflicts with some former patrons whom I REALLY would not like to remember and/or be associated with. Please do not ask me about them as I would rather not continue to think on it and it's a sore-af subject.

* Yes, the full-res files are accessible to everyone last I checked :P

* Unless you are willing to credit/link back to me, do NOT re-upload these to other art sites like DeviantArt and so forth and do NOT use them as features/assets in YT videos. Normally I prefer my shit to stay where it is, but I know that the uploading of these images to external sites is going to be inevitable. So, go crazy, I guess; just PLEASE give credit where credit is due guys, respect the artist.... I would also prohibit the use of uploading these images solely to have cringey comment RPs like before on DeviantArt but that's probably going to wind up being utterly inevitable as well lmfao

* Obviously my signature is all over these images and I still have all of the original CSP-format master-files, so....yeah, if you claim these as your own you've basically already lost. Don't try it. :P

* Yep! The art packs are all there. I also included the little "intros" we put into each one to kick off the packs in question. Not really necessary, I know, but I thought people would find them fun ^^


...Annnnd I THINK that's just about everything covered. Tl;dr enjoy the images, old and new, and some more of them will be uploaded here--if you want to suggest some you'd like to see on this site feel free to let me know as well ^^ Just, as per usual, don't be a swindling cunt about it.

Laters~ 💜

So I had originally made this decision final yesterday, but due to various things happening on that same day I decided to wait until now to announce it. It's been weighing on my mind, both literally and figuratively, for a couple years, and I cannot apologize enough I feel for what the people whom were waiting for me to re-open are about to read. However, it is a decision that I think is correct, for reasons which I will intend to explain.

Just....I've had it. I'm so sorry but I've officially had it.

Commissions are going to be closed for an INDEFINITE period of time, and I am also planning to re-fund anyone who was still on the "Paid" list at the time of this decision.

People have been getting way, WAY too snarky and irritable lately towards artists who take awhile to get things done; I don't enjoy my work anymore like I used to when I first started; my mental health has been in a declining state the past few years; and I just NEED THIS TO END.

I feel like this is the final link in the chains keeping me bound from recovery, and as such it needs to be destroyed in order for me to fully progress. There are other reasons for making this decision, as well....I have wanted to pursue an animation career for quite some time, as well as continue with my own works and aid my BF on his series that have been in development for awhile. It is just an endless source of stress for me and I don't feel that it should ever be that way. I had wanted to originally just do commission work for fun, once in awhile...then it just turned into a panic attack over being able to remain financially stable for a few years....and then the Stalinist torture by someone who will remain anon occurred during that time...and then my PTSD and ADHD worsened...and after that the physical health problems.

All this shit has been a burden on me for nearly five years. I'd thought originally "well hey, maybe it has to do with something else" and while that is true to an extent, the primary link behind all of it was ALWAYS stress and/or panic and worry over commissions. I am not entirely certain why it wasn't realized earlier--maybe I was just trying to deny that it was there because I didn't want to let people down. I am an absolute empath and as such my emotional being more than often dictates my actions at certain times. I STILL don't want to let people down, and believe me this decision took much, MUCH longer to make than one thinks. I had been contemplating it for a couple years but again had not made any action upon it.

But I just can't deal with this anymore.

I get it; it's my fault, yes. I am willing to accept blame for this; I thought I could handle things but I couldn't in the end. The damage taken over time was just proven to be far too much, and I'm just one person....one person who is also attempting to recover their shattered mental/emotional health. All those things combined contributed to this. I'm not going to be able to recover if any of this hangs over my head any longer. And as I once heard someone say; no one should attempt to work themselves into their grave, in any state, just to present people work "on time." I thought I was okay. I believed I would be okay. And that's my bad. I should have paid attention to myself sooner, but I didn't want to admit to it. I thought that people would chide me over it....that it was a sign of weakness.

Maybe it's not. Maybe it still is. I don't know.

All I do know is that, I want things to be fair in the end for both sides. And I feel the best way to do that is to sacrifice my queue list/workload and return the funds to the people that gave them. Both sides, in a sense, get something that way.

Though most people are not aware, I DO keep archives of sent notes/information/usernames so I can always pull up their comm info when I need to; the archive's been active since commissions got VERY busy and has all the required info. So if you are on the queue list, have paid me already, and no physical work has been tended to/done, then please contact me via FA's Note system. DO NOT COMMENT ON THIS JOURNAL ABOUT IT AND DO NOT PING ME ON DISCORD FOR THIS PLEASE. Also note that the funds will be gathered over time for such, so bigger projects may take longer to refund than smaller projects. Just a heads-up on that. For the bare-bones queue on Trello, I will keep a "Refunds" tab listed with people who have already been taken care of finance-wise.

The time of the commission does not particularly matter either, although the prices active at the time do. If need be, I can also look up the PayPal receipts/transactions as I've had my account for awhile and (of course) keep archives. I may have to dig for some but, such is the way.


For those who are wondering "well will you EVER re-open/offer commissions again...?" the answer is....possibly. I obviously would prefer only taking on a couple projects at a time, and only with clients/friends whom I know I can trust. My health obviously needs time to recover, but this is a horse I may be willing to get back on again. Who knows.

Again, I am sorry about all of this; I really am. It's a waste of time for some people and I am fully aware of that factor. But I'd rather be happy with my work, rather than feel it's an endless, daunting chore that's hanging over my head at all times. That's not to say you guys don't have good ideas--a lot of the ideas I've been given to work with were great!--it's just to say I'm not as attentive as I used to be.

I WILL still be doing art, and I will still be working with people on some things. That will not change. But for now....I just want to make a positive recovery for myself. I'm only going to get worse if I don't.

Thank you all for understanding. ;w;