To Be 6 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted.


He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America."

The person says, "I not American, I am Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East . I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa ."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

IF YOU DON'T PASS THIS ON TO YOUR FRIENDS, BY 11:30 AM TOMORROW, YOU WILL
RECEIVE THREE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ABSOLUTELY FREE.

An Irish guy walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."


The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
>with his secretary.
>
>One day they went to her place
>and made love all afternoon.
>
>Exhausted, they fell asleep
>and woke up at 8 PM.
>
>The man hurriedly dressed
>and told his lover to take his shoes
>outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
>
>He put on his shoes and drove home.
>
>'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
>
>'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
>
>'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
>We had sex all afternoon.'
>
>She looked down at his shoes and said:
>
>'You lying bastard!
>You've been playing golf!'
>
>
>
>
>
>The 2nd Affair
>
>A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
>but always talked about having a son.
>
>They decided to try one last time
>for the son they always wanted.
>
>The wife got pregnant
>and delivered a healthy baby boy.
>
>The joyful father rushed to the nursery
>to see his new son.
>
>He was horrified at the ugliest child
>he had ever seen.
>
>He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
>be the father of this baby.
>Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
>Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
>
>The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
>'No, not this time!'
>
>
>
>
>The 3rd Affair
>
>A mortician was working late one night.
>
>He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
>about to be cremated,
>and made a startling discovery.
>Schwartz had the largest private part
>he had ever seen!
>
>'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
>commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
>with such an impressive private part.
>It must be saved for posterity.'
>
>So, he removed it,
>stuffed it into his briefcase,
>and took it home.
>
>'I have something to show
>you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
>opening his briefcase.
>
>'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
>'Schwartz is dead!'
>
>
>
>
>The 4th Affair
>
>A woman was in bed with her lover
>when she heard her husband
>opening the front door.
>
>'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
>
>She rubbed baby oil all over him,
>then dusted him with talcum powder.
>
>'Don't move until I tell you,'
>she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
>
>'What's this?' the husband inquired
>as he entered the room.
>
>'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
>'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
>so I got one for us, too.'
>
>No more was said,
>not even when they went to bed.
>
>Around 2 AM the husband got up,
>went to the kitchen and returned
>with a sandwich and a beer.
>
>'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
>I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
>and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
>
>
>
>
>The 5th Affair
>
>A man walked into a cafe,
>went to the bar and ordered a beer.
>
>'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
>
>'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
>
>He glanced at the menu and asked:
>'How much for a nice juicy steak
>and a bottle of wine?'
>
>'A nickel,' the barman replied.
>
>'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
>'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
>
>The bartender replied:
>'Upstairs, with my wife.'
>
>The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
>with your wife?'
>
>The bartender replied:
>'The same thing I'm doing
>to his business down here.'
>
>
>
>
>The 6th & Best Affair
>
>Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
>
>He looked up and said weakly:
>'I have something I must confess.'
>
>'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
>
>'No,' he insisted,
>'I want to die in peace.
>I slept with your sister, your best friend,
>her best friend, and your mother!'
>
>'I know,' she replied.
>'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

> Poor guy
> A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks
> into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in
> bed.
>
> He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the
> girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up
> and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his
> wife:
>
> "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He
> probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I
> saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
> complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he
> nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry,
> he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
>
> To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas
> whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and
> asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be
> strong honey. I love you too!!"

The economy is so bad that...

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

African television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials!

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

My ATM gave me an IOU!

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico ..

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street ."

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion
disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement
funds, etc.,
I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all
excited, and asked if I could drive a truck...

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the
dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that?'

And that's how the fight started .....

****

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'

And then the fight started.....

****

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of
his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY! !!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....


****

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order
first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And then the fight started.....


****

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy
with what she sees and says to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.' And then the fight
started.....


*****

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
bed. I turned to her and said,

"Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....



********

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my
age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come
back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'

And she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office!

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
Disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

> His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi ..... and he needed a loan,
> so.......he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan
> officer.
> He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international
> redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he
> was
> not a depositor of the bank.
>
>
> The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of
> security for
> the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car
> was
> parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the
> title
> and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as
> collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12%
> interest.
>
> Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh
> at the
>
> Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a
> $5,000 loan.
>
> An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private
> underground garage and parked it.
>
> Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the
> interest of
>
> $23.07.
>
> The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your
> business,
> and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
> puzzled.
> While
> you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that
> you
> are a Distinguished Alumni from Ole Miss University , a highly
> sophisticated
> investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests
> all
> over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind
> turbines
> around Sweetwater , Texas . What puzzles us is why would you bother to
> borrow $5,000?"
>
> The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my
> car
> for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.


He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.


"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my
list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so
I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who
weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to
take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the
door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving
in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in
and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and
I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I
would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,"
commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill
Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs
restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,
doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said,
"Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said .. . . . .

(This is priceless...)


"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

me and my mate are looking for someone to room with for MFM and or for someone to room with us...PM me and let me know

The second one will be a zoo trip on Sat. Aug 21st! Please bring some money or a packed lunch to be able to eat with us while looking at the animals! Pretty simple! Details are:

Where: The Memphis Zoo
2000 Prentiss Place
Memphis, TN 38112
(901) 276-9453

When: Sat. Aug 21st

Time: 12:00pm

As always, we hope to see all of you there!

Tempest Panda

(thanks tempest for the information hun)

i got a six-pack abs in just 2 WEEKS!! AND YOU CAN TOO!!!!!

(click link to see)
http://user.media.sweat365.com/brad.....x-pack-abs.jpg

click this link
http://ladyahhhahhhh.ytmnd.com/
you wont be disappointed
*rolls on floor about to piss himself*XD

just 978 page veiws...ill give a prize to the winner of whom gets the 1,000th page view....

Edit: the prize be a silver quarter from 1945

has anyone heard of a punk/rock/funk band called the "Funky Butt Nuggets"?

i have what i beleive to be their only cd....from like...1998..

YAY!! i haz facebook now

and since im not that savy tech just yet my facebook link is
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php.....00001231570615
and on my page here its the website link XP

at orgill park in millington tennessee im gonna be hosting a furmeet of local furs (and if your here from outatown your more than welcome to show up) from noon til dusk on June 19, 2010...im gonna be cooking cheeseburgers and im hoping for something like a potluck where someone brings the sodas and someone else brings some kinda other food....we will have games and food and maybe some music...but since some people might not know where orgill park is....its best we all meetup somewhere and then head out to the park....

like i said...if your visisting from out of town your more than welcome to pop in, eat a bite and chill if yas want

(edit) to be more specific itll be from 11:30am to 8:30pm

I have founded an online registry so to speak called "Memphis-Furs" and i would like to get it out there to the FA community so i call on all of my fwends and watchers to please help me promote the page... its  memphis-furs and im the primary administrator....and so far the only one whom is keeping track of it...please help me promote it..thanks

as the title says...im unemployed again....and to my watchers i apologize for not updating my FA...i havent worked for about..um...2-3 weeks..maybe longer..im tryin to get a job at lowe's where my mate works..so far nothin yet..but tommarrow im gonna go down there and talk to the manager about my application...so..a question to my watchers...anything new?

Ive got enough time when i get off of work in the evenings to surf FA and the net for a couple hours...so every other day er so ill be online for a couple hours..if anyone wants to ask me a question PM me here and ill be glad to answer it..

I HAVENT GIVEN UP ON FA..JUST YET!

:-P

Today im makin a vow to spend as much time as i can making money and since my job calls for me gettin paid soley by commishions im afraid i wont have time for the furry fandom..except for MFM and my mate  blackpyre whom i love....*sighs* what im tryin to say is i wont even look at FA until i can figure out how to juggle my EXTREMELY BUSY work schedule and my leisure life...but until now my work is out weighing FA...so goodbye for now...most likely i wont be on FA for atleast 2months...goodbye...

YAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!
I got a job selling vetranarian grooming products...i work out of memphis as a salesman for my good freind bob...ill start work tuesday at 9:00 a.m. at clark tower in memphis...the only thing is that i get paid by commision...so i have to work and hard too...i unfortunately wont have the time of day to work on my art...or the fur group based here in memphis called  memphis-furs so...im just glad im gonna be making money...wish me luck

i could really use my watcher's help here..i just started a new FA group  memphis-furs and i could use some help bringing the mid-south together to this page...can yall help me out by promoting it on your page...........pweeeeeeeeeeeez?

im now the proud founder and administrator of  memphis-furs and everyone is welcome to join...the only rule is NO DRAMA ALLOWED!...otherwise all is welcome