FA+
Shop
Hanaq Pacha
Posted 7 months agoEven in solitude, I still have a hard time finding a proper answer to what I think and feel
The days pass and so far, I still find myself lost. Once again I doubt, about my life and who I am, because I look upon the things I've done so far, and find nothing. I'm not even sure how to feel about art as a whole, I still struggle to find anything that makes me like it, or appreciate the things that most people find. I really try to see others' perspectives yet, I can't say to myself: "Yes, this is good, I'm a good artist, I can do art"
And the more I think of it, the more of a fraud I appear to me at times. maybe it's my depression, maybe it's overcomparing myself to anyone else... whichever it may be, I certainly can't make my peace with it just yet. It sometimes makes me feel sadness and anger, and this alone has been bad enough to ocassionally bring up suicidal thoughts every now and then, because if I cannot make art at all myself, then what else am I? What else there is to my life?
Why does my art always look so boring, why does it look so bland and generic? How come everyone else's pieces always look far better than mine in my eyes? Why I no longer get any satisfaction into the one hobby I've been doing since I was a child? And if all of this is true, then... what am I? Just who the hell am I, without art?
A nobody, someone replacable, someone whose mark will never be remembered, a naive idiot perhaps...
Someone that people can look upon, not as an example on "what to be", but for "what not to be"
Throughout the day, there are moments where I don't feel affected by this, and later that same day, I find myself questioning my very existance for the lack of substance I am as a person, and again, not only applies to my "poor-excuse-of-an-artist" side, but on a personal side too.
Does this make me a bad person? Does this make my life useless? Do the people that see me as a friend even see me as such? Will I even be remembered if I die? What will be the one thing associate to my name if I'm gone?
Or perhaps it'll be just nothingness, as it was said to me for most of my life:
-You do not matter, stop making it about yourself
-Why do you think anyone cares about you?
-You never like anything, you're so boring
-Why aren't you like normal people?
I can't help but think back on these phrases I got told so many times in the past, and maybe they were right this whole time. Maybe I should've kept to myself all these years, never once had opened my mouth or tried to socialize. Maybe that way nobody would've had to deal with me in their lives, not even my close friends would've had to bother themselves with a waste like me, because that's what I ultimately am: trash, boring, repetitive, frustrating, replaceable, disposable and a dissapointment.
I can only wonder now, what it would've been for everyone, if I had never existed, or never had met me. Would their lives had been better?
Likely... very likely
The days pass and so far, I still find myself lost. Once again I doubt, about my life and who I am, because I look upon the things I've done so far, and find nothing. I'm not even sure how to feel about art as a whole, I still struggle to find anything that makes me like it, or appreciate the things that most people find. I really try to see others' perspectives yet, I can't say to myself: "Yes, this is good, I'm a good artist, I can do art"
And the more I think of it, the more of a fraud I appear to me at times. maybe it's my depression, maybe it's overcomparing myself to anyone else... whichever it may be, I certainly can't make my peace with it just yet. It sometimes makes me feel sadness and anger, and this alone has been bad enough to ocassionally bring up suicidal thoughts every now and then, because if I cannot make art at all myself, then what else am I? What else there is to my life?
Why does my art always look so boring, why does it look so bland and generic? How come everyone else's pieces always look far better than mine in my eyes? Why I no longer get any satisfaction into the one hobby I've been doing since I was a child? And if all of this is true, then... what am I? Just who the hell am I, without art?
A nobody, someone replacable, someone whose mark will never be remembered, a naive idiot perhaps...
Someone that people can look upon, not as an example on "what to be", but for "what not to be"
Throughout the day, there are moments where I don't feel affected by this, and later that same day, I find myself questioning my very existance for the lack of substance I am as a person, and again, not only applies to my "poor-excuse-of-an-artist" side, but on a personal side too.
Does this make me a bad person? Does this make my life useless? Do the people that see me as a friend even see me as such? Will I even be remembered if I die? What will be the one thing associate to my name if I'm gone?
Or perhaps it'll be just nothingness, as it was said to me for most of my life:
-You do not matter, stop making it about yourself
-Why do you think anyone cares about you?
-You never like anything, you're so boring
-Why aren't you like normal people?
I can't help but think back on these phrases I got told so many times in the past, and maybe they were right this whole time. Maybe I should've kept to myself all these years, never once had opened my mouth or tried to socialize. Maybe that way nobody would've had to deal with me in their lives, not even my close friends would've had to bother themselves with a waste like me, because that's what I ultimately am: trash, boring, repetitive, frustrating, replaceable, disposable and a dissapointment.
I can only wonder now, what it would've been for everyone, if I had never existed, or never had met me. Would their lives had been better?
Likely... very likely
Other things
Posted 7 months agoProbably just dumping my thoughts to myself in here, maybe I can go back to it later weeks or months from now on. And see if it changed...
I constantly feel like I don't really matter most of the time. Not only that, I truly believe sometimes the world would be a better place for everyone I know, hadn't they ever met me.
If me being "hard on my artwork" wasn't bad enough, I also happen to regularly think of worst case scenarios. My constant paranoia and insecurities, telling me maybe I should do myself in, leave everything behind and isolate myself, feeling like a shame to anyone around me.
I get to see how everything around is good times until I decide to show up, almost as if I always happen to bring in the bad mood, the bad type of energy and influence. I've known for a while I'm not an enjoyable individual, should've taken the hint...
Nothing I do seems to cut it or even tryiing to change my ways either. It all points that I am just not wanted in this life anyway...
It all ends up with extreme self-loathing at the things I do and say, all of it. To the point of even thinking being born myself was a mistake.
Maybe I should actually leave, in the end, anything can be replaced, including me.
If my art is forgettable, horrible and replaceable... Maybe I am as well.
I constantly feel like I don't really matter most of the time. Not only that, I truly believe sometimes the world would be a better place for everyone I know, hadn't they ever met me.
If me being "hard on my artwork" wasn't bad enough, I also happen to regularly think of worst case scenarios. My constant paranoia and insecurities, telling me maybe I should do myself in, leave everything behind and isolate myself, feeling like a shame to anyone around me.
I get to see how everything around is good times until I decide to show up, almost as if I always happen to bring in the bad mood, the bad type of energy and influence. I've known for a while I'm not an enjoyable individual, should've taken the hint...
Nothing I do seems to cut it or even tryiing to change my ways either. It all points that I am just not wanted in this life anyway...
It all ends up with extreme self-loathing at the things I do and say, all of it. To the point of even thinking being born myself was a mistake.
Maybe I should actually leave, in the end, anything can be replaced, including me.
If my art is forgettable, horrible and replaceable... Maybe I am as well.
Things to think
Posted 7 months agoI'll get to the point right away: I've been thinking on giving up on art, I mean it both as a possible career, and hobby as well.
As for my reasoning so far, I really cannot find myself enjoying art for the past months, I mean, it's been a year since I've truly done any artwork besides very short-lived sketches and ideas. Only managed to finish one commission after bit more of a year since it was ordered.
Another reason why is just feeling tired at the sight of seeing no matter what I upload or do, I never managed to get the impact I once had wished with my skills and posted artwork. Let alone even achieve something within me, maybe a sense of satisfaction, progress or growth; if I myself cannot find something that makes me know I'm indeed doing progress in either aspect, then what would be the point of doing it?
Worst part is that it doesn't help always having this constant sense of inadequacy, whether as a person, or an artist: The latter is quite damaging to be honest, because not only makes me constantly feel like a failure of an artist, but also feeling as if I never deserved any appraisal, following and appreciation I've gotten over time. If anything, it even makes me think maybe I should auction my characters, my content and other things I've made, just to get rid of it all, leave it all behind, then again: Who would even care or remember a fraud like me? (This is one of those intrusive thoughts)
So as far as things go at the moment, I still got one pending commission to finish. After that though, I'm still not sure how to feel about it all, then again, as the first line of text portrays, I'm thinking of calling it off after it, and just leave it all.
My art was never inspiring or good anyway, that's what I think at least, that is nothing but generic garbage anyone can do better... so yeah
As for my reasoning so far, I really cannot find myself enjoying art for the past months, I mean, it's been a year since I've truly done any artwork besides very short-lived sketches and ideas. Only managed to finish one commission after bit more of a year since it was ordered.
Another reason why is just feeling tired at the sight of seeing no matter what I upload or do, I never managed to get the impact I once had wished with my skills and posted artwork. Let alone even achieve something within me, maybe a sense of satisfaction, progress or growth; if I myself cannot find something that makes me know I'm indeed doing progress in either aspect, then what would be the point of doing it?
Worst part is that it doesn't help always having this constant sense of inadequacy, whether as a person, or an artist: The latter is quite damaging to be honest, because not only makes me constantly feel like a failure of an artist, but also feeling as if I never deserved any appraisal, following and appreciation I've gotten over time. If anything, it even makes me think maybe I should auction my characters, my content and other things I've made, just to get rid of it all, leave it all behind, then again: Who would even care or remember a fraud like me? (This is one of those intrusive thoughts)
So as far as things go at the moment, I still got one pending commission to finish. After that though, I'm still not sure how to feel about it all, then again, as the first line of text portrays, I'm thinking of calling it off after it, and just leave it all.
My art was never inspiring or good anyway, that's what I think at least, that is nothing but generic garbage anyone can do better... so yeah
My thoughts
Posted a year agoFeeling like a useless contributor to my family and society is normal
Yet, rarely I get hit with the reality of what person I am, that every problem and issue starts and begins with me. Seeing so in my mother's tears should be more than enough proof that genuinely, I'm not a good person. I wonder what is that everyone sees that's good in me, what's that part of me that makes them think I'm an actual kind, empathetic and compassionate human being.
Only a few have seen the real me, and they said the same things I got told "You never change"
Guess I in fact never changed at all, maybe that's why she left, maybe that's why everyone else is leaving, because even though life passes, I'm still stuck, thanks to my self-loathing and lack of will, dreams and goals in life. Stationary, rotting slowly from within.
To all of those that I've ever wronged and hurted, I'm a deeply sorry. To those I've failed, betrayed and ran off from when you needed me the most, I'm really... really sorry...
I hope that, at least, my current misery and upcoming death, may be the proper apology you all expect from me.
I am a failure, I am an idiot, I am a monster, I am a victim and victimizer of my own struggles.
If you ever feel bad, you can come to this journal, and read the self-pity I have for myself and think: "What a pathetic excuse of a human being this guy is", trust me, you'll feel ton times better, that you at least, are way better than me, just like everyone is. Everyone and everything is better and will be better than me...
Yet, rarely I get hit with the reality of what person I am, that every problem and issue starts and begins with me. Seeing so in my mother's tears should be more than enough proof that genuinely, I'm not a good person. I wonder what is that everyone sees that's good in me, what's that part of me that makes them think I'm an actual kind, empathetic and compassionate human being.
Only a few have seen the real me, and they said the same things I got told "You never change"
Guess I in fact never changed at all, maybe that's why she left, maybe that's why everyone else is leaving, because even though life passes, I'm still stuck, thanks to my self-loathing and lack of will, dreams and goals in life. Stationary, rotting slowly from within.
To all of those that I've ever wronged and hurted, I'm a deeply sorry. To those I've failed, betrayed and ran off from when you needed me the most, I'm really... really sorry...
I hope that, at least, my current misery and upcoming death, may be the proper apology you all expect from me.
I am a failure, I am an idiot, I am a monster, I am a victim and victimizer of my own struggles.
If you ever feel bad, you can come to this journal, and read the self-pity I have for myself and think: "What a pathetic excuse of a human being this guy is", trust me, you'll feel ton times better, that you at least, are way better than me, just like everyone is. Everyone and everything is better and will be better than me...
AMA 3.0
Posted 2 years agoRight, since it's been pretty chill in here
Might as well have you people ask me random stuff that you think may be interesting to talk about!
Might as well have you people ask me random stuff that you think may be interesting to talk about!
So...
Posted 4 years agoWhat now, what now, what now...
Can't really get anything on my head, no ideas, no inspiration, no motivations either, this sucks...
I just wish all of it ended for once, jeez
Can't really get anything on my head, no ideas, no inspiration, no motivations either, this sucks...
I just wish all of it ended for once, jeez
Ask Me Anything 2.0
Posted 4 years agoHmmm...
Well... Since my brain hasn't come up with anything new these days...
Any questions y'all?
Well... Since my brain hasn't come up with anything new these days...
Any questions y'all?
Fuck...
Posted 4 years agoI just can't help but feel miserable and empty nowadays.
What now?
Posted 4 years agoIdk, kinda feeling lost on my ideas rn, sure I asked either in this place or elsewhere for such, yet I never did them.
I seem to always want to do something and right away, as soon as I start I find this sort of "wall", that won't let me get through, then... I pretty much lost motivation. There isn't that "click" I usually experience whenever doing my pieces... Maybe it's some kind of artist block? Not sure... I hope I can have not just time, but the will to let my pen do as it wishes.
I seem to always want to do something and right away, as soon as I start I find this sort of "wall", that won't let me get through, then... I pretty much lost motivation. There isn't that "click" I usually experience whenever doing my pieces... Maybe it's some kind of artist block? Not sure... I hope I can have not just time, but the will to let my pen do as it wishes.
AMA
Posted 4 years agoProbably a journal literally no one might read, but anyway, I am open to questions always...
When?
Posted 4 years agoNEW ART?!?! NEW CHARACTERS?!?!? A STORY MAYBE?!?!? WHO TF KNOWS WHEN!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
What next?
Posted 4 years agoTime passes on, and despite being different people, different challenges, goals, obstacles, you name them...
Nothing truly changes from blindy pushing towards to this seemingly endless race to... "sucess", "happiness", I know these are quite different for each of us.
Yet... I can't for some reason... find anything...
It might be due to how low self-steem I had throughout my life, as far as I can remember. Most of the things I do, is for others, with... little regard of myself.
I can think of something I could do for somebody to make them their happier. But when it comes to me... I can't really think of anything. Maybe I never give myself a time nor gave myself a chance to actually think about... "what now? what about me?"
I'm just... confused... and it's becoming anxiety... anger... frustration... sadness... fear... and... I want to believe this ain't the right thing... but slowly turning into self-harming tendencies... or worse... doing that to others.
My mind becomes dizzy whenever I think of these... and I just run, avoid thinking of 'em. I know it's pointless... at some time, something's gotta be done 'bout it... but I just feel overwhelm, I dunno what first step to take.
On the bright side... I every now and then run into people so kind that I get little lighting of hope for all the ordeals that I came across... mentally...
This little energy... at least it makes me feel alive... I hope it continues, I'm not sure what can go down... when it lights out...
Nothing truly changes from blindy pushing towards to this seemingly endless race to... "sucess", "happiness", I know these are quite different for each of us.
Yet... I can't for some reason... find anything...
It might be due to how low self-steem I had throughout my life, as far as I can remember. Most of the things I do, is for others, with... little regard of myself.
I can think of something I could do for somebody to make them their happier. But when it comes to me... I can't really think of anything. Maybe I never give myself a time nor gave myself a chance to actually think about... "what now? what about me?"
I'm just... confused... and it's becoming anxiety... anger... frustration... sadness... fear... and... I want to believe this ain't the right thing... but slowly turning into self-harming tendencies... or worse... doing that to others.
My mind becomes dizzy whenever I think of these... and I just run, avoid thinking of 'em. I know it's pointless... at some time, something's gotta be done 'bout it... but I just feel overwhelm, I dunno what first step to take.
On the bright side... I every now and then run into people so kind that I get little lighting of hope for all the ordeals that I came across... mentally...
This little energy... at least it makes me feel alive... I hope it continues, I'm not sure what can go down... when it lights out...
Why?
Posted 4 years agoWhat's going on?
I stand up, yet i fall again
I tried to run, yet you're pulling me into it
I need help, i can't escape
What's going on?
I want to smile, yet i can't stop crying
I had these promises told to me, you'd never make up for it
I need reassurance, i can't feel good
What's going on?
You won't leave, I told you to leave
You are torturing me with those smiles, the ones you took from me
You are having a good time, with my worst of times
Why
Why
Why
Why
Why
Why
Why