I just... I'm not. I'm lying here awake after once more not sleeping, only to be filled with a lack of happiness. I can't even say I'm sad or anything, I'm just not happy. I don't know why, I just am lacking that emotion now it seems. I don't think I'm depressed, but I could be wrong I have no idea. I should be happy, things seem to be getting better for me. Dad's close to getting a new job so less pressure with the bills and.... huh I wonder if this is going to turn out to be some annoying existential crisis bull crap. I'd rather not have to really deal with the wondering of my current place in the cosmos...


I know there are people who are far worse off than me so I shouldn't be depressed.


I'm just thankful that I'm not popular enough around here for anyone to read these things

With my alarms set to go off in five hours here I lay... not even pretending about wanting to sleep. But here in the dark I have no choice but to dwell inside myself, and feel bitter. Bitter at my own short comings, disgusted that I had to close a tab with someone's poem because I couldn't stand to stare at someone's creation.... someone else's realized creativity once more.... feeling pathetic that I can do nothing on my own, that I won't even try to do anything more than write this words here... not a story, not a poem just an ill fated attempt to have someone else say something... anything to me.


Making me all the more pathetic. I really don't know anyone here... and the two that come to mind to counter act that statement I'm hoping never see this post.... Good night furs, fur lovers of all kinds. I'm tired of being tired and I think I'll let myself rest one night.

IT WAS AWESOME!!! I wish I could properly describe it. The story is rich and deep, many aspects kept me guessing for a very long time. If you get a chance to play I hope you can enjoy it as much as I did

Ihave it, just got it!!!!! I'm selfish for saying this now when the world is in pain but I'm happy ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*dances happy sequel dance*

Wow... ummm wow..... People liked something I wrote.... two of which weren't obligated because I was doing this as part of their week long theme..... so I'm stunned, in the a good way

ha... I'm acturally writing in this again how... odd for me

I'm feeling depression starting to choke me
I fight to fake a smile
..... Ugh all right no writing anything creative today. Here's the deal for the last few months my father has borrowed more and more money from me till my bank account was drained. Originally it was because he was spending too much money on his new girlfriend, or so I thought. He recently confessed to have started up his old drug habit and I don't know how long ago it was that he really started it. Now I've been fighting the good fight to keep smiling and blah blah blah but well considering that I had a nasty flu for the last week or so, he asked me for my card to pay the water bill since he was out of money again... should have been my first clue. But no I gave him the card and asked him to pick up some medicine and soup for me..... Ten hours later or so he returns finally with the medicine and food while confessing that he once again fell off the wagon. The next day he also admitted to lying when he told me he had at least used my money to pay the water bill. That was kinda the last straw for my forced happiness because well today the cable went out because he didn't pay that or any other bill lately... and so my main ability to talk with the people I call family... the people I love has been cut from me at home. Is it any wonder why I've decided to not go to class even though I'm at campus now? Hehehe........ I don't know when it'll get any better and that's what really makes me sad

time flows
worlds shake
minds and souls begin to ache
I slowly move
Awakening in a world of putrid hatred
Every morn a cleansing done
to rid of that taint
No music of a shared heart tonight
No respite from the locks of self tonight

So I sigh, never cry
Will never allow myself to die
Move on through motions
emotions half felt
Writing for something to hide the detestation
Too bad this poetry sucks

How hollow are my words?
How shallow is my voice?
Do I care or just pretend?
I care, I know and...
I think I do as well.

I reach and try to wrap
Those calling all alone
Words dripping with pained tone

I hold as I might
Ever so tight
But my shield
born from this dark heart....
Torn by cruel true light

Care I do
but it is for naught
For deeper than the sea
do I feel for all of thee
Hollow am I true....
For all the pain that you do feel....
They are wounds I can not heal.

To KW & GS

Why I come on this site. It's an amusing place I suppose, with stories that I wouldn't see anywhere else... but at the same time I know this isn't my place. *insert sad smile*

I mean in all honesty I'm not a furry, I just like them... In my mind I don't have a form, I'm simply shapeless unless I choose otherwise. Which I can tell you having a body that doesn't respond as such really pisses me off... But what bothers me most is...

I don't do anything here. The only things I have posted on any site I did so long ago I can't even really recall it... and it's not like I really talk with anyone here or comment on things. It's just not in my nature... I don't know what to say other than if I did and didn't like it and I HATE that I more often than not can only say that.

I'm glad no one reads these right now.

I mean I only have to watchers who are doing so out of pity since I'm watching them. NOTE TO THOSE TWO: I was not and was never expecting that. It was a very nice gesture, but since I can't seem to create anything right now it's a little pointless, but still thank you ^___^. Also that's a real smile, not a sarcasm one. I hate those

I mean even I don't normally read journals.... means I have to acknowledge that the others here are people that can have problems or joys and all I can offer are hollow words of sympathy or congratulations that mean nothing since I'm not really friends with any one here. I have a problem opening up.

I'm currently dead right now thanks to reading a series called After School Nightmare. It was a good story that sent me through a few loops. Whenever I finish a story for the first time I always need a second or two to recover... I'm going to need a few hours. Don't know why but I felt like sharing, most because no one reads my journal. ^_^

That one of our fellow FA members has left this mortal coil. I do not know if it was a suicide or not, nor do I care. I did not know this person, I really know no one here. I can not feel sad for them, where they are I doubt my wishes would matter. But I do feel sorry for those left behind in this world with pain. So to those that know him/her/it in this electronic realm, in the flesh, or by word and art I pray for your wounded hearts. May they one day heal, know that whatever hurt them in this world will not touch them any longer. They are in a realm of peace, do not let the memories of joy be lost nor should you allow yourselves to drown in sorrow for too long.

snowfox19 you shall be remembered and missed.

Why do this? Are you desperate for attention? Want someone to recognize something? To say something? Ha! Slipping into this state again? So soon... just what the hell is wrong with you?
Clawing
Dancing
Screaming
Singing
Spinning
Twisting
Falling
Spiraling

Stop being weak and do something. This is your hand after all, just another mask that's saying it. You know the cure for this. So do it.

I write this is look at myself when another mask is donned. Such emptiness you feel. The lack of will, to do or say. How sad and pathetic. So tired of being dark, of being ravenous for sensation. Wondering... is the dull sensation the way all beings feel? Praying.
Screaming.
Calling.
Begging.
Nothing.

Moaning twisting not knowing why, How dare you be this way! Where is the spark? Where are the beginnings that lie within us? Why do you let me exist Listening to so dark a tune. Pathetic. Pathetic. Let me sleep. Forever

I'm scared. I'm frightened to lie down and try to sleep. I'm sick, feverish and whats worse is that right now I have a muse coming out of a box. But it's not a good muse, it's the muse for disposable characters. And I sadly am empathic to the ones inside my head, which includes feeling the hands running through her hair and the hands on her throat.

I'm really, really scared.

Interesting. It seems for the first time I've meet one of those people who make an account and submit something, just to flame people of different lifestyles.

I'm just sitting here thinking of what I should do. I want to write something inspired by cyberklaw. But as with anything I want to write, I can't. For the simple fact that I know it's only good in my head.

But I want to put more then some of my really bad poems on here.