25 Years of Palmedo, too! But, he always ages with me, damnable birthday partners. Another year around the sun, another year for the books, and another year to contemplate what the next year's going to be like.

Here's hoping for good things. And.. being prepared for what's to come, because man oh man. OH MAN.

Is there someone with a sona so large all you ever see are their legs and feet? Absolutely NOTHING above the knees. Can't even really identify who or what species because they're too generic?

Just an amusing thought.

... is in file read-only mode.

We apologize for any delays as we continue to work on this user's sanity. If you've any questions or concerns or discussions, please direct all to the comment section below.

To anyone that has tried to talk to me and work with me and just be a friend. To anyone that worked towards trying to help me out of the many funks. That reached out and said something. Even when my answers were short, curt, or not really much of, I never once did not appreciate the effort. I always want to reach out to folk and say something. To say hi or talk or something... engage. I just worry that I seem desperate. Which is true. But also I don't know how to hold a conversation, especially when I'm always so down on myself. That's a big reason I get quiet. I don't want to rehash or spill myself repeatedly and just seem like I'm harping on being down. It's not fun to do on my side. I'm damn sure it's not fun for others to listen to. So.

Thank you, genuinely, thank you. For trying. It's always been appreciated. I'm just sorry and apologetic that I've not been great as being reciprocal.

Tis a necessary evil that we mark this occasion of auspiciousness on this April first. Be on the lookout for behaviors most suspicious, and depictions of imagery so astounding they shan't be possible to believe. These are the hours of tomfoolery and crafty witches, disguising prose and purpose with wrongful and aloof commentary designed to beguile you into inaccurate beliefs. Be on thine guard this day and make yourself unavailable to heinous acts of innocuous jockularity. Stay safe of mind and person and soul.

To all us single folk out there, here's to another day of hard work and video gaming. And maybe some pizza.

.. to me, you were ....

... a syco-FRIEND.

I wanna see them, loud and proud. Dangling with peen or split with a cute valley. Tight and gripping. Contouring. Satin, silk, lace, leather, mesh. Doesn't matter. Show off your style to the world. Be obscenely seen!

I hope everyone can make the most out of the day today. Enjoy yourselves and be thankful for your friends and family.

This has been a particularly weird year. In fact, it's been particularly weird the past several. Having been watching friends and family grow older, growing together, growing apart. Seeing how folks have had rifts tear relationships apart and how those same events have brought others closer together. And now witnessing several folks passing away here in the fandom, you really start to see the kind of legacy they've left in their wake. Good, bad, indifferent, there's always someone there to tell the tale of how 'So and so did this and such.' How 'This person really was a great person to be around', or 'I couldn't stand them because of this kind of incident.' Or incidents. Notoriety and fame follow those that have woven themselves so fully into this silly little fandom that many of us have called home for years.

And it's... it's almost heartbreaking that truly, you never will know the scope of your involvement. No one ever really gets to see the end result of their time invested in something like this unless they walk away from it prematurely. And even then that's kind of nebulous because all you get are the end comments of well wishes or indifferent goodbyes. You don't get to know how much you touched someone's life in a profound way. Or how reviled and vilified you were towards others because of disagreements or differing opinions. It is so easy to live in the moment, and to live as you are now without worrying or thinking about how you will be remembered. I think some folk don't care too much, because they don't want to leave that kind of a footprint. And others care too much because self-image is important. Perhaps too important. But I wonder if it's possible to walk a line that follows both?

I do wonder at times what folk think of me. What friends and enemies have to say alike. What I've done here within the fandom that'll be remembered at the end of my time here. Do I get to be someone that's fondly remembered by a close few? Do I get to be remembered as that guy that was always sad and depressed and couldn't ever really put his best foot forward? How many folk have I talked to who have tried to be friendly to me and I've curtly dismissed them because I was having far too many bad days? I lost touch with because I'm terrible at communication on the regular? I don't know. I don't know what footprint I'll leave, both in this fandom and in my family's line. I have no counterpart, nor do I have children to pass a legacy onto. When I pass on, that'll be the end of the journey, with nothing from me continuing except for the memories I've ingrained into others. Good, bad, or indifferent.

I don't write this to have folk tell me what they think of me. That's not what this is for. I write this because I wanted to parse through my thoughts on this. On legacy. I do want my legacy to have some kind of positive influence. It can't be grandiose, but hopefully it can be a little more than just a passing note. I would love to have my friends think about me with fondness when I've long left this place and moved onto the next realm of being. Or unbeing. I don't know what that next stage is when our bodies finally give out. I hope it's something ethereal and incredibly awesome. I would love to travel the universe and see everything there is out there.

There has been a saying I've wanted to put on my tombstone, if I have one, when I pass away. It's been forever stuck inside my head since the first time I played Chrono Trigger.

'This Creature Sleeps Beyond the Flow of Time.'

Hope you all have a blessed New Year. May this New Year be full of joy and merriment!

I hope everybun has a happy Bunny Day. Even all you non Bunlievers!

Obviously, everywhare it should be celebrated! Hopefully you've got your finest ears donned and tailpuffs-a-waggling!

Stolas is my everything. Huff.

This is a great show, and the song numbers are incredible. Yes, I've only just gotten into this and Hazbin Hotel, so. I'm forever behind on discoveries, but I'm also okay with that. I like experiencing things in my own time.

I want to know what folks do to help take their mind off of stresses. Do you game? Do you walk? Exercise? Run in place? Perhaps you have a trashcan you put your head into and shout until your voice becomes hoarse and you can no longer verbalize your inner pain? Do you put that same trashcan on your head and let someone whap you around for a moment until you just can't feel anything?

How do you take your internal struggles and turn them into positives that help motivate and coerce you to continue on? What drives you to work to be better and fulfill yourself with positivities?

I just want to know what helps out an individual to make them feel more secure and happier while struggling with problems and situations.

It's nearly midnight, local time and I can't sleep. I have to be up at work in about four hours and I'm struggling to doze off.

https://bsky.app/profile/palmedo.bsky.social

Much like everyone else, I too was gifted with the ability to create commentary there. So shall I endeavor to post something at least once a day on that platform. Even if it's completely inane.

Join me if you dare/want/can/feelanoverwhelmingdesireto.

If you were to cut me in half like a tree, around the waist, you'd find 41 rings of growth. Some of them fairly thick because of how portly a fellow I am.

41 years old now, and I'm still not sure what the hell I'm doing with this existence. This feels like a life squandered at times. But, I suppose maybe that's what I'm supposed to be?

It's been a trying year, this year. I've seen things fall through and once more my heart's been kinda left raw. The struggle to stay afloat while things progressively become my expensive definitely hurts. And then having to take a step backwards, again, at a job I've really come to hate.. Like, how long do I have to wallow in misery before I finally figure it out and just leave?

Who knows. I'm pretty stubborn when it comes to that kind of thing!

But, you know, still alive and kicking. So, Happy Birthday to me, again. Here's to... uh.... however many more I have left in the tank!

I don't think perhaps the staff or leader of this website quite understand just how alienated they are making themselves on a consistent basis.

Firstly, I will state that: No, I do not know what it's like running a website. I do not have the ins and outs knowledge of coding. I don't know hardware requirements or software requirements needed to ensure that a site this size with it's userbase can run smoothly. Or efficiently. Or decently. I am simply a user on this site. Just a user.

I have been a user of this site for many years now, and if there's ever one thing that seems to remain consistent: is it's inconsistency. Be it from the promises of features and changes necessary to continue to evolve this particular platform, to the staffing not being on the same page when it comes to rules, regulations, and their enforcement.

I think this current 'update of closing a loophole in an already established rule' paints quite the picture.

You stated that this change was overwhelmingly received with positive reviews, but, looking through journals and comments that seems to be very untrue. The concern is that your wording is nebulous and basically it's going to be left to the whims of whomever's reviewing the material to make the call. This is not the most ideal state that you want to leave your users in. There's general panic and worry that folks are going to be banned because of the content of their galleries, when they've done nothing wrong, and some ill-tempered staffer makes a poor judgement call. And right now I can't imagine the MOUNTAIN of notes the moderators are filtering through, attempting to say 'yay' or 'nay' to what is and is not correct.

This doesn't include the fact that, through the years, certain features and tweaks and adjustments that have been promised or requested have been implemented. Like just a simple blocking of keywords to help filter out unwanted material to users. The ability to change a username. A better commenting system. Better exposure for new and upcoming artists.

I fully understand that probably everyone that works staffing here probably has a fulltime job, plus activities outside of work and online. But, as people that maintain the site, even if just through moderation, they all need to be on the exact same page with the exact same understanding of what is and is not permissible. There should not be any interjection of feelings or friendships or such that make an individual a liability or detriment to the way moderation occurs. And the site owner himself should be completely transparent with things going on behind the scenes. There should be more communication and more explanations as to the 'why' behind what is going on. 'Why' you have not implemented this. 'Why' you have not fixed that. A better timeline on what the users of this website should expect.

If only certain, particular things are being banned, then explain the real reason why behind it. 'Because PayPal is going to _____.' 'Because in order to court more sponsors/ad revenue/other sources of income to operate the site, we must do _____.' 'I personally do not like _____, therefor I am banning it.' The folks here can be reasonable and intelligent and thoughtful when you give them proper, meaningful, useful explanations to what's occurring, rather than short, clipped, half-hearted excuses.

There are other options out there for furry websites and furry content that others can use, that have more robust features and are user friendly. And often times FA takes the brunt of 'how not to operate a site' in comments and journals and other posts on them. If you genuinely, truly want FurAffinity to be that 'premier furry site' that you're trying to tout it to be, then you have to really knuckle down on the operations and make sure your team's speaking from one singular voice of concise reasoning. That you're updating policies and regulations with fully developed implementation and fully thought out and realized wording. You have to ensure that your statements are not nebulous and do not leave your userbase wondering just what is expected or implied or going to be enforced.

You have to do better, for yourselves and your userbase.

Welcome to the 40th year of existence. 40 years of trial and error. 40 years of getting things right, and getting things horrifically wrong. 40 years of identification in one way, and then another way, and then another another way. 40 years of attempting to do what's right by myself, and still finding that I'm just inherently a manchild. 40 years of procrastination. 40 years of dedication. 40 years of figuring that the world is not what we thought it would be. 40 years of trying new things. 40 years of doing nothing but sitting around. 40 years of.... 40 years...

I've been pondering this day coming up the past few weeks... months, even. Trying to figure out myself, and my life, and it's purpose and meaning. Whether there's been any at all, or if I'm just around for the sake of being around. It's interesting if you try to quantify yourself like that, because you can become pretty miserable if you let your head spiral out. And we know that I'm not exactly the happiest or most even-keeled. Depression is a hard-hitting son of a bitch, and it ensures that when you start to feel a little better about things, it's there to knock you down a couple pegs and keep you square on the ground.

Life has been interesting so far. Moving, and living. Working and relaxing. Trying to make something of yourself, and then sometimes there's nothing really to yourself to make anything of. Watching your family get older. Grow larger, and then, start growing smaller. Losing loved ones, gaining new ones. Friends coming and going out of your life. Different jobs, different co-workers.

I spent a good twelve to fourteen years moved away from my family, living half a state away. And, things in the end changed, to where I had to basically move back home. Still living independently, but, now truly on my own. I'm not one that likes to be alone, but, the solitude of my own space allows me to just take care of me. But, I wouldn't mind having someone in my life that I could be with, and share a space with once more. To take care of and be a part of. To grow further and mature. To come home to and quietly dote upon them with love and devotion.

But coming home too has meant that I get to spend more time with my family. Hanging out. When I moved back, I spent nine months living with my step-brother and his wife. It was incredible because the three of use grew closer. He's become the brother I never had when I grew up, and man am I eternally grateful for the two of them.

I do miss my best buddy, Drak. I always hope he's doing well and in a good spot with where he moved to. Not having him here physically though sucks sometimes, because I do miss the times we'd stand around and just talk shit for several hours.

This is rambling. I'm rambling. It's not cohesive, other than forty years is a long time to be alive, and to have experienced things. I do genuinely hope that those I've known, and have talked to, and have made a part of my life in some way have always... or most always... enjoyed my little bit of company, and will still continue on with me through this journey.

Happy Birthday to me!

Thankfully, I'm mostly recovered at this point. I still have a bit of a cough and a little bit of congestion. But other symptoms have come and gone.

Chills. Body-aches. Headache. Runny nose. Loss of Taste. Loss of Smell.

The last two I didn't realize until I was eating something that should have bit to it and didn't. I couldn't smell it, and I couldn't taste it. And freaked out more when I went smelling a few other things and got nothing. Been quarantined in self-isolation for the last two weeks in my apartment. And I can't tell you how stir-crazy I've been. By myself, forced to be alone because of being sick. It's been maddening. Especially when I had to wait four days to get the results back from the nasal swab I had to take. And getting back a positive made me cringe.

I do have my vaccinations. Got them back in June. And I wear my mask at work all the time. But there's been a couple other places I've gone to without it. Namely eateries, like for lunch. And over to my family's place. So unfortunately I'm not sure where I picked it up from. And, thankfully, none of them have gotten sick from it.

I'm glad I was vaccinated. I feel that if I hadn't been, everything would have been worse. And that's simply because I am an obese man, and as such probably have a few other underlying conditions. Unfortunately, one of my cousins came ill of it in August and passed away right before my symptoms started. She'd been in a coma for a month and a half and they decided to take her off life support.

The biggest thing I've come to understand from all this is be more diligent. Mask pretty much everywhere and don't sit around in food places for now. It's a shame that it'd been alright for me so far, until I had a careless moment. And then bam. That's all it took.

Just keep yourselves safe, please. And keep taking it seriously.

And the world keeps on spinning. The rotations continue, unabated. Life trudges forward to the inexorable march of time. And again we mark another small milestone in this journey of life and discovery and self-evolution. While simultaneously feeling that we've taken many steps backwards. Repeating old mistakes anew and looking for creative ways to figure ourselves out of these traps. No less have I sought to understand myself this year. To figure out who I am in this whole scramble of things that seem like roadblocks and speedbumps.

My roommate lost his job last year, somewhere around July/August. It lead to him eventually moving out to California to continue his life there. I can't say how much I miss him, and having him physically in my life, everyday. Even if we didn't see eye to eye on things at times, and we had our moments and our disagreements. I always tried to have his back and be there for him when I could be.

This led me to move away from the OKC area and back to the Tulsa area in late December. Back in with family after basically fourteen years of independence, more or less. Living with roommates I think was a step in that independent/freedom route. This of course meant transferring my job at Walmart, from one store to another. I've now worked at five different locations. But one thing always remains the same. Understaffed and disgruntled.

At least thought, in the beginning of September, I'll be in my own apartment. I tried to look for a house for a while as I don't want to be in an apartment. But, I don't have enough money saved up, at all for a down payment. And it's a sellers market. There's far too many purchasers and not enough houses, so sellers can, rightfully, command their own pricing. With some outrageous demands. But, digressing from that, being able to live in my own space once more will give me freedom, but, it'll truly be my own, and no one elses. I will sorely, sorely miss splitting a place with another, and having another person to yap at when I need it.

Work is, at least, good enough for me. I've taken the lead position over Electronics. Now there's really only two areas I have had almost no interactions with. The truckunload teams, and the Auto Center. It's not likely I'll work in either. And I do kind of miss working in Garden Center, like I was at my previous store. Being able to go outside was a nice reprieve from being in the store. But at least in Electronics I can learn a bit more and do better. Hopefully with Shrink/Theft.

I know there are folks older than me in this fandom who've already shot past the mark, but, I look at 40 coming up in a year exactly and I wonder what it will bring. Will I continue to be single? Will I continue to work for Walmart? Will I continue to struggle with myself and my own inner thoughts? Depression and anxiety and sadness some days, while being happy and confident others? I don't know. I don't know at all what will be of me in another cycle. I just know that I'll continue to do the best that I can, and to work towards some kind of improvement. To make myself better. To me it feels like I make enough of these journal entries about being disheartened and such, but it's such a difficult thing to shake off. I don't know how folks manage to push their way through into a good sense of self-worth. To feel confident and bold in who they are and to take pride in their accomplishments. I always feel as though my wheels are stuck spinning, and I'm just... trying. Nothing more than trying.

I'm kinda all over the place while writing this. Mostly just wishing I could be happy all the time.

But, yeah, today's my birthday. I'm now 39. In another year I'll have lived to be 40. And probably half-way through my experiences here on this planet.


As a sidenote, have a song that's consumed me the past few days. I can't get it out of my head, and it's... so wholesome and good, to me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hswArkw27Eg

This is scary to do. I don't know the reactions or what'll happen, but, I must do this. Please keep an open mind as you read through my thoughts. I've been trying to decide how to do this for a long while now, and there just seems to be no other way than to just jump in head-first and hope I resurface.....


I've seen a couple of these now from other fellows that are in the same boat that I am. Or rather, maybe I'm in the same boat as them? Watching them come out to be who they are and find the confidence they need has greatly bolstered me. It's given me a chance to think about things and how I've felt for a very, very long time.

I've always felt that my plumbing was incorrect. Ever since I was six, I've felt that my penis never should have been there. It should have been a vagina. Since I've been six years old, (I'm now almost 39) I've told myself that if I could have the surgery, that would be the part of myself that would be changed and then I'd be good to go. But, you know, as a kid you don't know how to explain that to your family. Especially when you live with your Grandmother who's a devout Catholic, and you have to go to church every Sunday. You don't really get to go off the beaten path. So after a few years of this, feeling how I did, and not finding any way of making anything happen or even being able to tell anyone, I just buried the thought. Deep, deep inside to the point that I mostly forgot about it. Out of sight, out of mind.

Move a number of years through time and I find the fandom when I'm almost eighteen. It was a pretty opening experience to get to talk to folk and have fun and fool around through cyber means. Explore and open up and learn things about yourself that you didn't really know were there. Further time passes and I come across something that I hadn't thought about in years. I saw a picture of a guy with a vagina. A fur, of course, but, it was right there. I didn't really know much of anything about trans folk because I wasn't really exposed heavily to that, so those who'd gone through the surgery and procedures to have themselves brought to be who they are, or closer to that were unknowns. But, I saw it in the fandom, first.

And it made me remember my own need. My own want. So I did what a lot of folks do and changed my character a little. It wasn't in the artwork yet, no, that didn't come about til later, when I started seeing more and more folk playing as 'cboys'. And that's what we were referred to as. I still bounced back and forth between that and being full on male. But more and more, as the years have gone on, I've settled less and less for being a guy with a penis, and more for being a guy with a vagina. I still used 'cboy'. Before folks started talking about how it made others felt so negatively or so sexualized and fetishized, it was the word I was most comfortable using to help identify myself. Honestly, it still it. I mean, I still identify as male too, because I'm not overly fond of thinking of myself as they'them. it's... weird, I suppose.

'Intersex' came along after, another word I still use, and eventually folks started taking issue with that too. Saying that they felt as if they were being put up as a meat market to be ogled. But I don't think some understand the way some of us felt... or still feel.

Looking at someone who's Female to Male, and is in the middle of their transition. They've already had their top surgery. They're taking hormones and their body shows it. It's not fetishizing something that you, yourself, feel is the RIGHT form. That you feel you are supposed to be. That how you are, is not correct at all, and the state of their transition currently is what you should be. It's a deep ache. It's an emotional and physical desire. There's exhaustion from it. Especially when the words you want to use to help identify who you are .. are trampled on. So it becomes more problematic to help identify who you are within the community because you want to be included, but you don't feel so for your verbiage.

Words only have the power that you give them. They only have the sway that you hold, or allow them to hold over you. If you stop letting them give you that bad feeling, or that hateful connotation, they eventually stop hurting you. I know this because I was bullied as a kid. From first grade all the way to the ninth. It took me years to realize that words don't mean anything if you don't allow them to have anything behind them. And eventually most bullies give up when you stop reacting to those words. The physicality part of bullying is a little more difficult, but, that too can be dealt with.

Perhaps I derailed a bit in my thoughts, and I apologize. I also apologize to those too who may decide that me finding myself isn't what they want to watch anymore. That's fine! You are who you are, and you like what you like, or dislike what you dislike. It's not for others to tell you what you should and shouldn't enjoy.

For those that want to stick around, I thank you. There's still a lot of self discovery to be made, and there's still more that I have to learn, so I can better adapt and be a better person. Hopefully I can improve and be better for others out there.

I'm trans, but I'm still a guy. I still use 'he/him' pronouns. I still use 'cboy' and 'intersex' too because those are what I'm comfortable with. If you don't want me using them with you, then I won't. We'll figure it out.
I'm just a guy that, one day, may be fully as he should.

Thank you for 'listening' to me ramble.

So slot your pennies in the vending machine of love
And pick that fizzy little minx that you've been dreaming of.
If you're cursed with the thirst of a lonely man
You can get your juices flowing with some OnlyCans!
Every glamorous can has a heart to fill!
So I hope that you can handle 330 mil.
Get lost in the froth as the foam expands!
Get your lovin' while you're gluggin' on some OnlyCans!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CXQJFPzHx_M

I just... I don't know anymore. I cannot recommend this song enough. And that it's an actual Steam product, too! Must be logged in to view!

... drink up!

To all my fellow folks of the lapine persuasion... take the day off! Relax! Throw your feet up and just have a good day of doin' nothing! It's well earned and well deserved!

I'm leaving the fandom.
But first I'm changing my character.
Then I'm going to sell him to the highest bidder
But you CANNOT use him for anything.
You can claim to own Palmedo, but only in the privacy of your under stairs cellar, every other fifth week on Tuesday, so long as it's a 3rd, a 10th, or a 25th.
I reserve the right to take back my character at any time, without your permission, and for a fraction of the cost at which you bought him.
You cannot make changes as I will be keeping him in his current form.
I only accept payments in gold, silver, and crisp dollar bills.
Budding starts below and ends on 1 January 2020.

Good luck!
<3

So here we are. August 11th. 38 years ago, today, I was removed from my mother, thusly changing my status from parasite to newborn. I dunno if I ever let go of that parasitic tendency. >.>

Jokes(ish) aside, I'm 38 now. In the midst of what can be described as the most timultuous year ever. Who would have thunk everything this country's been through in the past 200 years, would all resurge at the same time. I don't know if Hollywood could have wrote this stuff.

38 years is a long time, and I feel like I've really accomplished so little. It's.... I dunno. I feel like I've been given more chances than most, and at the same time, have had less chances than most. But I don't have anything really to gauge it off of because all experiences through each person are different. So it's near impossible to say what the average was because everyone's their own outlier.

I know that I want to travel more. To visit more friends and see new places. Getting to see Niagara Falls the year before last, and then visiting Florida and seein' my lil bro here last year as well, were all awesome treats. But I continue to want more than just that. I've had this growing wanderlust that'd developed since my first trip two years ago, and I can honestly say it's by no means satiated. I think it comes from having been pretty sedentary my adult life. And it's just not something I can accept, you know?

I'm not sure where else this life is going to lead, or what roads I'm going to travel. But, certainly I hope they're exciting and wonderful and give me more experiences to treasure than I've had before.

Thank you all for coming along on this lil trip, and hopefully you'll continue to travel with me for another... err... 38-ish years!