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Several Months Later, And A New Improv Album
Posted 15 years agoI've been on hiatus...
...from the world.
I've been doing okay, and feeling better.
I've got a new album out, "The Mad Hatter's Sound Lab", that's all improv/freestyle.
All the track/chapters are available in my gallery. I'll have em posted elsewhere soon too. More details on that to come soon.
...from the world.
I've been doing okay, and feeling better.
I've got a new album out, "The Mad Hatter's Sound Lab", that's all improv/freestyle.
All the track/chapters are available in my gallery. I'll have em posted elsewhere soon too. More details on that to come soon.
September 2009
Posted 16 years agoSo I have good news, and I have bad news. I'll start with the bad news and get it out of the way first.
My mother died 2 weeks ago. That's one of the most difficult things I think I've ever had to deal with and process. I'm surprised I'm not losing my mind. I sometimes think I'd feel better if I did. What hurts more is the way some family members have acted since her passing. That's my own personal tragedy for what it's worth.
On the brighter side: I've got a birthday coming up. I'll be turning 32, and I'll be making that day the official release of my new album "All These Years". That's on Sunday, September 06, 2009. I should be selling it through http://www.lulu.com * and through http://paradoxnode.bandcamp.com. You can listen here at FA, since all the music on the album is in my gallery. So make my birthday wish come true, and get a copy of the album. :)
Now here's an intesting link:
http://www.ted.com
*the exact link to the CD album will be provided here once the album is released. Thanks
My mother died 2 weeks ago. That's one of the most difficult things I think I've ever had to deal with and process. I'm surprised I'm not losing my mind. I sometimes think I'd feel better if I did. What hurts more is the way some family members have acted since her passing. That's my own personal tragedy for what it's worth.
On the brighter side: I've got a birthday coming up. I'll be turning 32, and I'll be making that day the official release of my new album "All These Years". That's on Sunday, September 06, 2009. I should be selling it through http://www.lulu.com * and through http://paradoxnode.bandcamp.com. You can listen here at FA, since all the music on the album is in my gallery. So make my birthday wish come true, and get a copy of the album. :)
Now here's an intesting link:
http://www.ted.com
*the exact link to the CD album will be provided here once the album is released. Thanks
August 2009
Posted 16 years agoWhat follows are the artist's that I promised to feature along with some of their artwork. I didn't have as many responses as I thought, so I'm just going to use that to these guys advantage. Where I promised to post three pieces of their artwork, I'm upping that number to five + a cute photo from each thrown in at the last moment (when I realized they all had some sort of cute photo. No, I'm not try to mimic www.cutewithchris.com ). Hope ya'll enjoy.
Alright, in no particular order:
shinjikami
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2339940/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2449048/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2411768/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2541067/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/759918/
-and because he had this in is scraps and I think he's cute... what? I'm just sayin... the guy IS in fact... cute. Go look, you'll see.
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/493820/
juano
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1987389/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1743934/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2175247/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2034831/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1606677/
-also thrown in for adorable cuteness
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1010218/
kchub
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1784858/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2549304/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2475317/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2391862/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1857000/
-and one more photo to make you go "d'aw!"
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2390638/
Alright, in no particular order:
shinjikamihttp://www.furaffinity.net/view/2339940/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2449048/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2411768/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2541067/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/759918/
-and because he had this in is scraps and I think he's cute... what? I'm just sayin... the guy IS in fact... cute. Go look, you'll see.
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/493820/
juanohttp://www.furaffinity.net/view/1987389/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1743934/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2175247/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2034831/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1606677/
-also thrown in for adorable cuteness
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1010218/
kchubhttp://www.furaffinity.net/view/1784858/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2549304/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2475317/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2391862/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1857000/
-and one more photo to make you go "d'aw!"
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2390638/
Prep for "Journal - July 2009"
Posted 16 years agoGet your pics featured by commenting here
MY Rules
1- For each of the first 10 people commenting here I will put their avatar and three works I like from their gallery on the list
2- Any art work counts as long as you are the originator of the work (visual art, music, creative writing, etc.)
3- Feature at least one artist from my list in return on your page.
4- The official list will be posted as in a journal entry which will stay posted on my main page for the month of July (July 1 - July 30, I'm reserving the first and last day of the month as a transition day). If I have any news or announcement to add, they'll be put in an edit to the "July 2009" post, or I'll post it elsewhere on the page"
Fair Enough?
If you see empty slots in the list, then tell your friends and help them get a little recognition. ;)
coming features:
* shinjikami <-- because this is who I got the idea from
* juano <--an artist of my choosing from shinjikami's post
1. k_chub
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
________________________________________________________________
EDIT 04 July 2009:
Okay... not enough peeps took me up on the offer. That's okay, because I know AC is coming up / going on, and I also know I don't get much traffic here. So... I'm gonna extend the deadline to the end of july, and this post will go up in august. I'd like 10 names, but I'm gonna let this post fly regardless. I reiterate... If you know someone who would like even a small iota of exposure, then tell them to come post here. :)
MY Rules
1- For each of the first 10 people commenting here I will put their avatar and three works I like from their gallery on the list
2- Any art work counts as long as you are the originator of the work (visual art, music, creative writing, etc.)
3- Feature at least one artist from my list in return on your page.
4- The official list will be posted as in a journal entry which will stay posted on my main page for the month of July (July 1 - July 30, I'm reserving the first and last day of the month as a transition day). If I have any news or announcement to add, they'll be put in an edit to the "July 2009" post, or I'll post it elsewhere on the page"
Fair Enough?
If you see empty slots in the list, then tell your friends and help them get a little recognition. ;)
coming features:
*
shinjikami <-- because this is who I got the idea from*
juano <--an artist of my choosing from shinjikami's post1.
k_chub2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
________________________________________________________________
EDIT 04 July 2009:
Okay... not enough peeps took me up on the offer. That's okay, because I know AC is coming up / going on, and I also know I don't get much traffic here. So... I'm gonna extend the deadline to the end of july, and this post will go up in august. I'd like 10 names, but I'm gonna let this post fly regardless. I reiterate... If you know someone who would like even a small iota of exposure, then tell them to come post here. :)
Smokey Bear Buddhism
Posted 16 years agoI came across something cute and cuddlie while doing some searching on Buddhism. If you're a Buddhist, I hope you appriciate this. I cartainly hope it doesn't offend anyone, but I don't think it would. If you like Smokey Bear, I hope you'll get a giggle out of this too. If you like the Beat Authors, then know that Gary Snyder was a good friend of Jack Kerouac.
Enjoy
http://www.sacred-texts.com/bud/bear.htm
Enjoy
http://www.sacred-texts.com/bud/bear.htm
I am the son and the heir (of nothing in particular)
Posted 17 years agoNothing on my mind to write about, nothing that stands out, no great inspiration, no awesome wow; I just feel that I should write something, like there’s just something to get out of my system, like shit, heheheh, something down in the bowels of my mind that must be evacuated.
It's Sunday, third day after Xmas, I'm going to watch the peach drop this Wednesday night in ATL. There's something to talk about. Xmas! Writing out the word "Xmas" instead of "Christmas". It amazes me sometimes, peoples ignorance of the things they say is important to them. I know alot of Christians who'll get so offended by the "Xmas" spelling. They complain that anyone who uses that spelling is taking Christ out of Christ-mas. If they knew Greek at all, they would learn that the word for Christ in that language begins with the Greek letter "chi", which is shaped just like our letter "X". So abbreviating Christmas as Xmas doesn't take Christ out of anything, it just a way of shortening the word by using His initial. Come to think of it, Christians hate to be called Xians for the same reason as above. In fact, I've seen some Atheists get the goat of many Xians by referring to them as such, instead of calling them Christians. Well, since it's so awkward and embarrassing to refer to myself as a Christian, because I dislike identifying with idiots, I'm gonna call myself an Xian instead from now on. Lol, "Zen Lunatic Xianity" :P that's my religion if anyone asks.
Whew! that was a good one, felt good. I think I had a haiku-ish sort of thing on my mind too. Let's see if I can remember it...
winter night wide wind
winding through singing branches
a lonely leaf falls
... or something like that. I guess that's this entry's "Moment of Zen", like the Daily Show used to have.
I've finally at a point where I actually practice meditating everyday. And I'm starting to see some success with it, or maybe success is the wrong word... I'm starting to see... an improvement, results, progress... (there's a bias, or a... lack of acceptance of something... in these words). Anyway, after a short while of practicing, about a week or so, I began to get little micro-gaps in what I call the "mind-stream". After several weeks of practice, the micro-gaps became regular gaps, and I've gotten to the point where I can have them at will. Well there's a nifty... sideways... thingy (for lack of a better word) that I do now. I don't know what this has to do with meditation, if anything, but I think it's neat and fun. I'll pick any random moment to go into one of these gaps, usually while I'm doing something, not while trying to sit still and meditate. It might be while I'm walking, or drinking a glass of water, or raking the yard, or washing the dishes, having sex... you name it. I wasn't able to do it while writing this entry, but then again, I'm using alot of words, and I associate words with the torrent of the mind-stream. Perhaps someday I'll be able to, but how paradoxical would that be. Maybe that's like, or similar to what those people who do automatic writing do. Who knows.
I wanted to describe what is like to go into these gaps, not while meditating, but while doing something. Let me describe it by saying, although it's not like, the most awesome thing ever, there are no words to describe it, because when "it" happens there are no words. :-> It's pretty cool though.
I read a line in Jack Kerouac's Dharma Bums, "Nirvana is the moving paw." I think I'm gonna start using that, or maybe use the Xian "Heaven" in its place. I'll use Nirvana for the grand gestures and Heaven for the small brush strokes. For instance:
Heaven is the small gap
Nirvana is... what was the one I used the other day?... Nirvana is the radiance of the bright and shining one. (The discussion was about stars)
Anyway... I think I'm done rambling for now. Cheers
JD
PS: Nirvana is the sun and the air… of nothing in particular.
Heaven is the still small voice.
It's Sunday, third day after Xmas, I'm going to watch the peach drop this Wednesday night in ATL. There's something to talk about. Xmas! Writing out the word "Xmas" instead of "Christmas". It amazes me sometimes, peoples ignorance of the things they say is important to them. I know alot of Christians who'll get so offended by the "Xmas" spelling. They complain that anyone who uses that spelling is taking Christ out of Christ-mas. If they knew Greek at all, they would learn that the word for Christ in that language begins with the Greek letter "chi", which is shaped just like our letter "X". So abbreviating Christmas as Xmas doesn't take Christ out of anything, it just a way of shortening the word by using His initial. Come to think of it, Christians hate to be called Xians for the same reason as above. In fact, I've seen some Atheists get the goat of many Xians by referring to them as such, instead of calling them Christians. Well, since it's so awkward and embarrassing to refer to myself as a Christian, because I dislike identifying with idiots, I'm gonna call myself an Xian instead from now on. Lol, "Zen Lunatic Xianity" :P that's my religion if anyone asks.
Whew! that was a good one, felt good. I think I had a haiku-ish sort of thing on my mind too. Let's see if I can remember it...
winter night wide wind
winding through singing branches
a lonely leaf falls
... or something like that. I guess that's this entry's "Moment of Zen", like the Daily Show used to have.
I've finally at a point where I actually practice meditating everyday. And I'm starting to see some success with it, or maybe success is the wrong word... I'm starting to see... an improvement, results, progress... (there's a bias, or a... lack of acceptance of something... in these words). Anyway, after a short while of practicing, about a week or so, I began to get little micro-gaps in what I call the "mind-stream". After several weeks of practice, the micro-gaps became regular gaps, and I've gotten to the point where I can have them at will. Well there's a nifty... sideways... thingy (for lack of a better word) that I do now. I don't know what this has to do with meditation, if anything, but I think it's neat and fun. I'll pick any random moment to go into one of these gaps, usually while I'm doing something, not while trying to sit still and meditate. It might be while I'm walking, or drinking a glass of water, or raking the yard, or washing the dishes, having sex... you name it. I wasn't able to do it while writing this entry, but then again, I'm using alot of words, and I associate words with the torrent of the mind-stream. Perhaps someday I'll be able to, but how paradoxical would that be. Maybe that's like, or similar to what those people who do automatic writing do. Who knows.
I wanted to describe what is like to go into these gaps, not while meditating, but while doing something. Let me describe it by saying, although it's not like, the most awesome thing ever, there are no words to describe it, because when "it" happens there are no words. :-> It's pretty cool though.
I read a line in Jack Kerouac's Dharma Bums, "Nirvana is the moving paw." I think I'm gonna start using that, or maybe use the Xian "Heaven" in its place. I'll use Nirvana for the grand gestures and Heaven for the small brush strokes. For instance:
Heaven is the small gap
Nirvana is... what was the one I used the other day?... Nirvana is the radiance of the bright and shining one. (The discussion was about stars)
Anyway... I think I'm done rambling for now. Cheers
JD
PS: Nirvana is the sun and the air… of nothing in particular.
Heaven is the still small voice.
OMG, I LOLed all the live long day
Posted 17 years agoIf you haven't seen the crazy GummiBear video...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=astISOttCQ0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=astISOttCQ0
Intentionally Homeless - Dharma Bums and Zen Lunatics
Posted 17 years agoI’ve got a bag of pizza rolls, I just gottem frum the store outta the freezer section. They’re like pizza pops, not cooked or heated or nuthin, and they taste fine like that
I had a proper sleep in the woods las night, in a sleepin bag I bought frum a friend for $20. It was wet in the woods, but dry in that sleeping bag, and that ground was soft from the wet, and covered with mulch and leaf-fall, and I slept real well. This was in spite of water drops that kept plipping in my face here and there through the night, but they barely roused me. I think in my edge of dream consciousness, I found it to be a funny version of Chinese Water Torture, cause I kept laughin each time it happened. I slept till about 10 AM, when the rays of the sun really started coming in through the branches of the Oak and growth stunted Magnolia’s in the woods.
I’ve been reading Jack Kerouac’s “Dharma Bums”, and I imagine it shows here in my narrative. Nirvana is the dripping dew. :)
I had a proper sleep in the woods las night, in a sleepin bag I bought frum a friend for $20. It was wet in the woods, but dry in that sleeping bag, and that ground was soft from the wet, and covered with mulch and leaf-fall, and I slept real well. This was in spite of water drops that kept plipping in my face here and there through the night, but they barely roused me. I think in my edge of dream consciousness, I found it to be a funny version of Chinese Water Torture, cause I kept laughin each time it happened. I slept till about 10 AM, when the rays of the sun really started coming in through the branches of the Oak and growth stunted Magnolia’s in the woods.
I’ve been reading Jack Kerouac’s “Dharma Bums”, and I imagine it shows here in my narrative. Nirvana is the dripping dew. :)
My Cock [SilverFenrir meme]
Posted 17 years agoThis is in response to the awesomeness of SilverFenrir and his journal/meme http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/294225/
I'll give the same warning he does:
"18+ only! This is a mature meme past this point; Scroll down only if this disclaimer doesn't single you out!"
My Cock
I often tell people that I have the worlds smallest penis -- that it's the size of a tic-tac. (Would anyone like a breath mint?)
The plain and simple truth, as best I may tell it is: I think my cock is hansom and friendly, because people have complimented it, and it plays well with others. It's 6 inches when I measure it, 7 inches when someone else measures it, un-manscaped, cut, and of unmeasured girth (circumference).
I find manscaping to be a pain in the balls more often than not, and I've yet to bend a ruler around it to measure the thickness.
I usually position it to the left when I dress, and I'm a grower, not a shower
tada!
... okay now it's your turn. If you don't understand the rules of the game, it's okay, just go here http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/294225/ . That's SilverFenrir's journal that gave me this idea, plus you should check him out because he's got talent at scribbles and spins (artwork and djwurk). So, go see and listen, okay? buh-bye.
I'll give the same warning he does:
"18+ only! This is a mature meme past this point; Scroll down only if this disclaimer doesn't single you out!"
My Cock
I often tell people that I have the worlds smallest penis -- that it's the size of a tic-tac. (Would anyone like a breath mint?)
The plain and simple truth, as best I may tell it is: I think my cock is hansom and friendly, because people have complimented it, and it plays well with others. It's 6 inches when I measure it, 7 inches when someone else measures it, un-manscaped, cut, and of unmeasured girth (circumference).
I find manscaping to be a pain in the balls more often than not, and I've yet to bend a ruler around it to measure the thickness.
I usually position it to the left when I dress, and I'm a grower, not a shower
tada!
... okay now it's your turn. If you don't understand the rules of the game, it's okay, just go here http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/294225/ . That's SilverFenrir's journal that gave me this idea, plus you should check him out because he's got talent at scribbles and spins (artwork and djwurk). So, go see and listen, okay? buh-bye.
Meme thing: paradox A to Z
Posted 17 years ago[A is for age]
30
[B is for booze of choice]
B is also for Bailey's, and for Beer
[C is for career of choice]
One that involves me composing music all day long
[D is for your drug of choice]
the natural one - canabis, ayahuasca [sp?], peyote, mushrooms. use them with respect to the spirits.
[E is for one essential item you use everyday]
Computer - composing, creative writing, photography, attemps at and practicing of drawing, and daily visit to FA - all done on 'Robotchicken' as my PC is nicknamed
[F is for favorite song at the moment]
Belfast - Elton John
[G is for favorite game]
I'm gonna have to agree with MarkWulfgar "Dungeons and Dragons.. XD (the table game)". add to that Shadowrun, and the old school White Wolf "World of Darkness" series. Then on PC: World of Warcraft and Elder Scroll 3 and 4. Not to forget the Final Fantasy series (Nobuo Uematsu is the name for God on the lips of aspiring music geeks every where.... even on Mars o_0)
[H is for Hometown]
Covington, GA, USA
[I is for instruments you play]
In the traditional sense: Piano and Voice.
In the non-conventional sense: The Computer/MIDI.
[J is for favorite juice]
any, esp. when mixed with the right booze
[K is for kids]
You know i lock the cawk, but i do feel the need to procreate. I do want to be a father...
..."Perpetuate The Bloodline! I must make baby while I am till live. I think I'll call it Punkie." - Desert Punk.
[L is for last hug]
Hopefully there will be many more before this happens
[M is for marriage?]
Um... I'm not real big on the whole monogamy thing. I'm not knocking it. I just don't think I can say "I solemly vow to suck only this cock or fuck only this whole for the rest of my life." I don't have a problem with "to love, as I love no other" part though
[N is for nickname]
Big Head (and to think I used to hate being called that. HA!)
[O is for number of overnight hospital stays]
N...
I was about to say "None" but there was that time about 28 years and 11 months ago... in the maturnity ward... you do the math. (Do mental health hospitals count? j/k)
[P is for phobias]
Roach bug give my the fucking creeps and they all must die! oh, and fear of being at sea, although i can't explain that one. it's one that's formed only in the last few years, and i've never had any close calls with the water. shrug?
[Q is for quote]
"You are not your fucking khakis" - Brad Pitt, Fight Club
[R is for biggest regret]
...that i have any regrets
[S is for singing]
Everyday but Saturdays, which are vocal rest days. Even then I work on vocalises and technique.
[T is for time you woke up]
at odd hours, my sleep schedule is fukt
[U is for underwear]
Commando at the moment
[V is for vegetable you love]
i like most of my veggies evenly. better to ask what i don't like....
...Okra. I can not stand Okra. It tastes like snot with seeds in it... and those pods look like deformed penises.
[W is for worst habit]
cigarettes and falling in love too easily
[X is for number of x-rays you've got]
dunno
[Y is for yummy food you make]
Me? Cook? LOL
[Z is for zodiac sign]
Virgo... the "Virgin" HA HA! o_o
30
[B is for booze of choice]
B is also for Bailey's, and for Beer
[C is for career of choice]
One that involves me composing music all day long
[D is for your drug of choice]
the natural one - canabis, ayahuasca [sp?], peyote, mushrooms. use them with respect to the spirits.
[E is for one essential item you use everyday]
Computer - composing, creative writing, photography, attemps at and practicing of drawing, and daily visit to FA - all done on 'Robotchicken' as my PC is nicknamed
[F is for favorite song at the moment]
Belfast - Elton John
[G is for favorite game]
I'm gonna have to agree with MarkWulfgar "Dungeons and Dragons.. XD (the table game)". add to that Shadowrun, and the old school White Wolf "World of Darkness" series. Then on PC: World of Warcraft and Elder Scroll 3 and 4. Not to forget the Final Fantasy series (Nobuo Uematsu is the name for God on the lips of aspiring music geeks every where.... even on Mars o_0)
[H is for Hometown]
Covington, GA, USA
[I is for instruments you play]
In the traditional sense: Piano and Voice.
In the non-conventional sense: The Computer/MIDI.
[J is for favorite juice]
any, esp. when mixed with the right booze
[K is for kids]
You know i lock the cawk, but i do feel the need to procreate. I do want to be a father...
..."Perpetuate The Bloodline! I must make baby while I am till live. I think I'll call it Punkie." - Desert Punk.
[L is for last hug]
Hopefully there will be many more before this happens
[M is for marriage?]
Um... I'm not real big on the whole monogamy thing. I'm not knocking it. I just don't think I can say "I solemly vow to suck only this cock or fuck only this whole for the rest of my life." I don't have a problem with "to love, as I love no other" part though
[N is for nickname]
Big Head (and to think I used to hate being called that. HA!)
[O is for number of overnight hospital stays]
N...
I was about to say "None" but there was that time about 28 years and 11 months ago... in the maturnity ward... you do the math. (Do mental health hospitals count? j/k)
[P is for phobias]
Roach bug give my the fucking creeps and they all must die! oh, and fear of being at sea, although i can't explain that one. it's one that's formed only in the last few years, and i've never had any close calls with the water. shrug?
[Q is for quote]
"You are not your fucking khakis" - Brad Pitt, Fight Club
[R is for biggest regret]
...that i have any regrets
[S is for singing]
Everyday but Saturdays, which are vocal rest days. Even then I work on vocalises and technique.
[T is for time you woke up]
at odd hours, my sleep schedule is fukt
[U is for underwear]
Commando at the moment
[V is for vegetable you love]
i like most of my veggies evenly. better to ask what i don't like....
...Okra. I can not stand Okra. It tastes like snot with seeds in it... and those pods look like deformed penises.
[W is for worst habit]
cigarettes and falling in love too easily
[X is for number of x-rays you've got]
dunno
[Y is for yummy food you make]
Me? Cook? LOL
[Z is for zodiac sign]
Virgo... the "Virgin" HA HA! o_o
Red Ribbon Story
Posted 18 years ago"Hold on, hold on to yourself
This is gonna hurt like hell."
-Hold On, Sarah McLachlan
My HIV test comes back "Negative", and I exhale a huge sigh while my friend C___ and the clinic employee pat me on the back as if to say,"Good, you're fine. Everything is okay now." The feeling of relief is a welcomed end to the last 20 hours of anxiety, but it only lasts for about 10 seconds, after which I'm hit by an odd and unexpected feeling: anger. Everything is not okay.
Last night C___ invited me over, and I was more than happy to accept since I hadn't seen him in a while. We broke up back in February. When I got there we sat down and caught up with each others lives for a while. I was talking about my wreck, and some new plans I made since the incident, and I made some comment about how the experience forced me to reassess my priorities. He responded, saying... in different words, that he empathized and how he understood more than I knew, or maybe he said it was true in some ways that I didn't know about yet. This is the point in the conversation where the air in the room got really thick, and the seriousness was palpable...
(In all the time since we broke up, I had never fully given up hope that he would come to his senses and take me back. For a brief moment then, I thought... I hoped... that I was going to hear him say that he realized he missed me, and needed me, and loved me -- that he wanted to reconcile and get back together. My heart leapt at the mere thought.)
"I'm HIV positive", is actually what he said instead. My mind froze; everything froze.
(To say that the moment was surreal is inadequate. Of course it was surreal, but how do you describe that to someone else? It was only a moment -- just a few seconds -- yet so many thoughts went speeding threw my head in that brief moment. Most of them were "No!". No, C___ can't die on me. No, we're supposed to get back together. No, I can't have the disease too... ...do I have it too? And then there was still, tense, serious silence.)
I sat forward in his papasan chair still reeling. It felt like someone had struck me over the head with the sky. After the room had spun around for the millionth time, I stood up and walked over to him and gave him a hug. What else could I do? I wanted to show him compassion, and considering that in that moment, the possibility that I could also be infected was so very real, perhaps I gave him a hug because I need one myself.
Fast forward to the next day, after I got the results of my own test, C___ took me back to my house and left. I kept thinking about this and thinking about this, and I don't know what triggered it, something I saw on TV maybe, or a song I listened to perhaps. I start crying. I started crying and I kept on crying. I went to sleep crying, only to dream anxious and disturbing dreams that mirror all to well the current nightmare that was going on in the waking world. I woke up in the middle of the night, yes, crying. I think for 24 hours straight I cried my eyes out. I don't really cry about things anymore, or so I thought. I try to just stare harsh realities in the eye, and make the best of them, and then move on with my life and be happy. I mean Carpe diem! has become my motto, and "Joy!" my watchword. But that day, good God, how I cried, and not the slow silent tears like I used to do at emotional moments. No, this was weeping. This was sobbing. And on the inside, my heart was wailing. These tears were foreign. I know what tears of sadness are like, and I know what tears of joy are (although I hope it goes without saying that joy is certainly not what I was feeling). I didn't recognize these tears; suddenly I found myself in new emotional territory. These tears were tears of rage.
I was so angry. I am angry. I'm furious. I'm furious even now. I'm not angry at C___; I'm angry that this has happened -- angry at the disease. I'm angry that someone I love, deeply, has to go through this. I'm angry that we won't be reconciling our relationship, at least not in the manner I had thought. I'm angry that, although I know AIDS is no longer a death sentence and these days it's a manageable medical problem, I still have to seriously consider that fact that the day may come when I have to go to C___'s funeral. Then again, I realize that this is true whether he has HIV or not. At this point I'm wasting my anger on mortality. One day, C___ will die, so will I, so will you, that's just a part of life, and that's fine.
Live every day as if it were your last. One day it will be.
...
I used to think that person who was HIV- but had a partner who he knew was HIV+ was crazing or had a death wish. Now this experience is forcing me to think otherwise. Or maybe I've become one of the crazy-with-a-death-wish crowd. I'm asking myself so many questions. Am I the kind of person who can be with someone who I know has HIV; do I really love him that much? Is it really love, or is it some sick subconscious urge to form a co-dependent relationship? If it is really love, then does he return that love in kind, or will he take me back only because he fears being alone? My own test came back negative, so why am I so upset? Does anyone go unscathed by this disease? Dear God in heaven, please, will there ever be a cure? I'm asking myself all these many questions and more, and they're ripping my heart apart. It makes me wonder how much more he might be hurting.
I do still love him... so much more than I had realized...
...and just when I thought I was done with weeping, another flood comes.
This is gonna hurt like hell."
-Hold On, Sarah McLachlan
My HIV test comes back "Negative", and I exhale a huge sigh while my friend C___ and the clinic employee pat me on the back as if to say,"Good, you're fine. Everything is okay now." The feeling of relief is a welcomed end to the last 20 hours of anxiety, but it only lasts for about 10 seconds, after which I'm hit by an odd and unexpected feeling: anger. Everything is not okay.
Last night C___ invited me over, and I was more than happy to accept since I hadn't seen him in a while. We broke up back in February. When I got there we sat down and caught up with each others lives for a while. I was talking about my wreck, and some new plans I made since the incident, and I made some comment about how the experience forced me to reassess my priorities. He responded, saying... in different words, that he empathized and how he understood more than I knew, or maybe he said it was true in some ways that I didn't know about yet. This is the point in the conversation where the air in the room got really thick, and the seriousness was palpable...
(In all the time since we broke up, I had never fully given up hope that he would come to his senses and take me back. For a brief moment then, I thought... I hoped... that I was going to hear him say that he realized he missed me, and needed me, and loved me -- that he wanted to reconcile and get back together. My heart leapt at the mere thought.)
"I'm HIV positive", is actually what he said instead. My mind froze; everything froze.
(To say that the moment was surreal is inadequate. Of course it was surreal, but how do you describe that to someone else? It was only a moment -- just a few seconds -- yet so many thoughts went speeding threw my head in that brief moment. Most of them were "No!". No, C___ can't die on me. No, we're supposed to get back together. No, I can't have the disease too... ...do I have it too? And then there was still, tense, serious silence.)
I sat forward in his papasan chair still reeling. It felt like someone had struck me over the head with the sky. After the room had spun around for the millionth time, I stood up and walked over to him and gave him a hug. What else could I do? I wanted to show him compassion, and considering that in that moment, the possibility that I could also be infected was so very real, perhaps I gave him a hug because I need one myself.
Fast forward to the next day, after I got the results of my own test, C___ took me back to my house and left. I kept thinking about this and thinking about this, and I don't know what triggered it, something I saw on TV maybe, or a song I listened to perhaps. I start crying. I started crying and I kept on crying. I went to sleep crying, only to dream anxious and disturbing dreams that mirror all to well the current nightmare that was going on in the waking world. I woke up in the middle of the night, yes, crying. I think for 24 hours straight I cried my eyes out. I don't really cry about things anymore, or so I thought. I try to just stare harsh realities in the eye, and make the best of them, and then move on with my life and be happy. I mean Carpe diem! has become my motto, and "Joy!" my watchword. But that day, good God, how I cried, and not the slow silent tears like I used to do at emotional moments. No, this was weeping. This was sobbing. And on the inside, my heart was wailing. These tears were foreign. I know what tears of sadness are like, and I know what tears of joy are (although I hope it goes without saying that joy is certainly not what I was feeling). I didn't recognize these tears; suddenly I found myself in new emotional territory. These tears were tears of rage.
I was so angry. I am angry. I'm furious. I'm furious even now. I'm not angry at C___; I'm angry that this has happened -- angry at the disease. I'm angry that someone I love, deeply, has to go through this. I'm angry that we won't be reconciling our relationship, at least not in the manner I had thought. I'm angry that, although I know AIDS is no longer a death sentence and these days it's a manageable medical problem, I still have to seriously consider that fact that the day may come when I have to go to C___'s funeral. Then again, I realize that this is true whether he has HIV or not. At this point I'm wasting my anger on mortality. One day, C___ will die, so will I, so will you, that's just a part of life, and that's fine.
Live every day as if it were your last. One day it will be.
...
I used to think that person who was HIV- but had a partner who he knew was HIV+ was crazing or had a death wish. Now this experience is forcing me to think otherwise. Or maybe I've become one of the crazy-with-a-death-wish crowd. I'm asking myself so many questions. Am I the kind of person who can be with someone who I know has HIV; do I really love him that much? Is it really love, or is it some sick subconscious urge to form a co-dependent relationship? If it is really love, then does he return that love in kind, or will he take me back only because he fears being alone? My own test came back negative, so why am I so upset? Does anyone go unscathed by this disease? Dear God in heaven, please, will there ever be a cure? I'm asking myself all these many questions and more, and they're ripping my heart apart. It makes me wonder how much more he might be hurting.
I do still love him... so much more than I had realized...
...and just when I thought I was done with weeping, another flood comes.
Help Needed.
Posted 19 years agoOkay, so.. I don't draw. Um.. okay that's not true. I do draw. I draw all the time, and very shittily I might add. What I don't do is post/upload. Hell, I don't even save the files of my scribbling 90% of the time.
So let me get to the point: I'm not artistically inclined in the visual arts area, and I feel like that kinda stops me from making friends here. I love the site. I love the community. I love the art thats here (and, let's be honest: I really love the pr0n). How do I contribute or be more of a part of the community here, even if I don't post awesome drawings?
EDIT: 08/31/2006
Okay, I have an idea. I'm going to post some info that will perhaps encourage some dialogue, and put it in "artist's profile" too. This is some contact info for various chat/IM programs:
Yahoo Messenger: paradoxnode
MSN: paradoxnode
AIM: kingjbrazell
Let's Talk.
So let me get to the point: I'm not artistically inclined in the visual arts area, and I feel like that kinda stops me from making friends here. I love the site. I love the community. I love the art thats here (and, let's be honest: I really love the pr0n). How do I contribute or be more of a part of the community here, even if I don't post awesome drawings?
EDIT: 08/31/2006
Okay, I have an idea. I'm going to post some info that will perhaps encourage some dialogue, and put it in "artist's profile" too. This is some contact info for various chat/IM programs:
Yahoo Messenger: paradoxnode
MSN: paradoxnode
AIM: kingjbrazell
Let's Talk.
Boyfriends?
Posted 19 years agoJust trying to figure out how many of you guys are together.
Also, How many of you actually met because of this site, or because of your art in general.
Also, How many of you actually met because of this site, or because of your art in general.
Change?
Posted 19 years ago(why this journal entry? go here to find out... http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/20760/)
Here's my 2 cents:
I was reluctant to come here. I had heard bad stuff like slow, disorganize, crappy interface, etc. ... But when another website that will remain nameless decide to give Furry/Anthro art the boot, I, along with many others ,wound up refuging here. I wasn't happy about it, but I kinda felt there was really no other choice. Here's what's sad: that I ever had any doubts about coming here in the first place. Instead, I now see any and all time spent at the other mentioned but unamed website to be a waste of time -- time that I could have been enjoying here if I had only come here first.
It doesn't seem cliquish here. It seems very welcoming and laid back. Hell, I don't even post artwork (cause I really can't draw worth a shit), instead I upload music.mp3 files, which I'm sure take up much more room than art.jpg file. No one has said anything about this other than, "Hey! Great music you have there!" How Encouraging! I've even done a spot of collab with another member here, and not on art, but on music. I know that's not the main theme for this site/project, so I understand how permissive the administration is being about this. What I don't understand is tell of there being alot of negative feedback about FA. I can come here and do my thing for FREE, I REALLY appreciate this site.
But I guess some people are poor, and they just need change from this site. Anyone else wanna throw in their 2 cents? ;)
Here's my 2 cents:
I was reluctant to come here. I had heard bad stuff like slow, disorganize, crappy interface, etc. ... But when another website that will remain nameless decide to give Furry/Anthro art the boot, I, along with many others ,wound up refuging here. I wasn't happy about it, but I kinda felt there was really no other choice. Here's what's sad: that I ever had any doubts about coming here in the first place. Instead, I now see any and all time spent at the other mentioned but unamed website to be a waste of time -- time that I could have been enjoying here if I had only come here first.
It doesn't seem cliquish here. It seems very welcoming and laid back. Hell, I don't even post artwork (cause I really can't draw worth a shit), instead I upload music.mp3 files, which I'm sure take up much more room than art.jpg file. No one has said anything about this other than, "Hey! Great music you have there!" How Encouraging! I've even done a spot of collab with another member here, and not on art, but on music. I know that's not the main theme for this site/project, so I understand how permissive the administration is being about this. What I don't understand is tell of there being alot of negative feedback about FA. I can come here and do my thing for FREE, I REALLY appreciate this site.
But I guess some people are poor, and they just need change from this site. Anyone else wanna throw in their 2 cents? ;)
