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Realization
Posted 3 years agoHello whoever chooses to read this.
If you’ve been following this account, or if you’ve stumbled across it during your journey through this site, first of all I would like to say Good Morning, Afternoon, evening or whenever you’re reading this. I really don’t know how to start this off so I’ll just say what’s on my mind.
I know I haven’t been posting here in a very long time. Not having my computer anymore sucks big time. That being said however I do in fact still draw though it’s mainly on paper now and I just take a picture with my phone and post it to Twitter. I’ve mostly been doing art trades with an occasional commission here and there. It’s not much but it gives me an incentive to keep drawing. A while back I used to get really upset because people weren’t commissioning me and it really made me second guess myself and my art. But now, I can honestly say it doesn’t bother me and while I do joke occasionally by saying my art sucks I know that while I’m not the best by any stretch and I could always improve, I have more confidence in my artwork now.
On another note, and one of the real reasons I’m typing this out right now, is that since the last time I posted a journal here or anywhere honestly things have changed a lot in my life both online and irl. And because of this a lot of things have been put into perspective and I’ve come to a lot of realizations. I have my issues just like everyone else, Depression, Stress, Anxiety, etc. I deal with stuff everyday on a daily basis. However the way I went about trying to deal with these issues have caused me to lose people that I care about. And I realized that I’m a very toxic person and I’m doing everything I can to do better and be better.
That being said though I’ve also learned that my negative mentality is the reason I don’t have many friends left, if any at all. And while I do wish that things were different and that I still had my friends. I see that they’re doing much better since parting ways with me and I’m honestly glad for them. My former friends are gone and they’re not coming back. They’ve moved and I’m not blaming them or myself anymore for that matter. I’m not going to be depressed or beat myself up over it anymore. I wish them the best and I will simply move on. Now I will not sit here and lie and say that it hasn’t affected me. In fact, because of the circumstances I have severe trust issues.
I can say that I have done a lot of reflecting. I’m always reflecting. But it took losing people I was close to online and in my personal life for it to really be hammered home. I have my flaws, just like everyone else. I’m not perfect. I never once claimed to be. And I’m more than man enough to admit and acknowledge my mistakes and flaws. And I’m working everyday to be a better person. While I’m not as depressed as I used to be I’m doing much better emotionally. I won’t get into the details and I know that there will be bad days in the future because I know just as well as everyone else that depression just doesn’t go away because you or anyone else wants it too. Still though I will continue to fight.
I feel like I’ve rambled on for too long so I’ll wrap this up by saying I’m still drawing and if anyone wants to contact me for a commission, art trade, or just wanna talk, ask for my discord as I’m most active there. All I ask is that you have a bit of patience with me that’s all.
Thank you for reading this and please enjoy your day no matter what.
If you’ve been following this account, or if you’ve stumbled across it during your journey through this site, first of all I would like to say Good Morning, Afternoon, evening or whenever you’re reading this. I really don’t know how to start this off so I’ll just say what’s on my mind.
I know I haven’t been posting here in a very long time. Not having my computer anymore sucks big time. That being said however I do in fact still draw though it’s mainly on paper now and I just take a picture with my phone and post it to Twitter. I’ve mostly been doing art trades with an occasional commission here and there. It’s not much but it gives me an incentive to keep drawing. A while back I used to get really upset because people weren’t commissioning me and it really made me second guess myself and my art. But now, I can honestly say it doesn’t bother me and while I do joke occasionally by saying my art sucks I know that while I’m not the best by any stretch and I could always improve, I have more confidence in my artwork now.
On another note, and one of the real reasons I’m typing this out right now, is that since the last time I posted a journal here or anywhere honestly things have changed a lot in my life both online and irl. And because of this a lot of things have been put into perspective and I’ve come to a lot of realizations. I have my issues just like everyone else, Depression, Stress, Anxiety, etc. I deal with stuff everyday on a daily basis. However the way I went about trying to deal with these issues have caused me to lose people that I care about. And I realized that I’m a very toxic person and I’m doing everything I can to do better and be better.
That being said though I’ve also learned that my negative mentality is the reason I don’t have many friends left, if any at all. And while I do wish that things were different and that I still had my friends. I see that they’re doing much better since parting ways with me and I’m honestly glad for them. My former friends are gone and they’re not coming back. They’ve moved and I’m not blaming them or myself anymore for that matter. I’m not going to be depressed or beat myself up over it anymore. I wish them the best and I will simply move on. Now I will not sit here and lie and say that it hasn’t affected me. In fact, because of the circumstances I have severe trust issues.
I can say that I have done a lot of reflecting. I’m always reflecting. But it took losing people I was close to online and in my personal life for it to really be hammered home. I have my flaws, just like everyone else. I’m not perfect. I never once claimed to be. And I’m more than man enough to admit and acknowledge my mistakes and flaws. And I’m working everyday to be a better person. While I’m not as depressed as I used to be I’m doing much better emotionally. I won’t get into the details and I know that there will be bad days in the future because I know just as well as everyone else that depression just doesn’t go away because you or anyone else wants it too. Still though I will continue to fight.
I feel like I’ve rambled on for too long so I’ll wrap this up by saying I’m still drawing and if anyone wants to contact me for a commission, art trade, or just wanna talk, ask for my discord as I’m most active there. All I ask is that you have a bit of patience with me that’s all.
Thank you for reading this and please enjoy your day no matter what.
Update Thingy
Posted 4 years agoWow it's been a long time since I posted one of these.
Anyway, to anyone who reads this, one, thank you so very much. And two, I'm not dead, things have just been, slightly difficult. I won't bore you with the details but to sum it up a few things have happened.
For starter, last year I lost quite a few family members, and even more friends.
Next, my laptop is completely dead. I guess this one is my fault for letting my brother use it. But anyway, because I don't have a laptop anymore I haven't been able to do art like I want to. Which leads into my next point, I'm trying to save up for a new one (or at least a decent enough once so that I return to doing digital art) so I'm offering really cheap traditional commissions. If you're interested please contact me via PM or discord.
Oh that's right, for those who are unaware I'm more active on discord than anywhere right now. Just ask if you wanna add me.
Okay, what next...oh yeah I've been playing a lot Genshin Impact in the last year, alongside DragonBall Xenoverse 2 if you have PS4 and wanna play I play those and a few others like CoD, Overwatch, Castle Crashers, Scott Pilgrim, Streets of Rage 4, and a few fighting games too.
This next one is sorta a more personal one. So for those who do or don't know, I've had issues with my mental health. Because of that I usually tend to vanish without a trace, not telling anyone anything. Well my mental health has gotten a bit better. It's been rough trying to get a grip on myself (don't laugh...okay you can laugh) without any kind of therapy or medication. Mainly because the US's healthcare system is a complete joke. I've been trying to tackle these issues of mine on my own and don't get me wrong I will have my bad days, who doesn't, but I am doing significantly better than I was. I've come to terms with certain things and I don't get as upset as I used to. I still do, just not as much.
Things have been up and down for me lately but I'm trying to keep pushing forward. Anyways how have you been, I'd like to hear about what you've been up. Or if you have any questions don't be afraid to ask.
Thank you again for reading this and I hope you have a good day.
Anyway, to anyone who reads this, one, thank you so very much. And two, I'm not dead, things have just been, slightly difficult. I won't bore you with the details but to sum it up a few things have happened.
For starter, last year I lost quite a few family members, and even more friends.
Next, my laptop is completely dead. I guess this one is my fault for letting my brother use it. But anyway, because I don't have a laptop anymore I haven't been able to do art like I want to. Which leads into my next point, I'm trying to save up for a new one (or at least a decent enough once so that I return to doing digital art) so I'm offering really cheap traditional commissions. If you're interested please contact me via PM or discord.
Oh that's right, for those who are unaware I'm more active on discord than anywhere right now. Just ask if you wanna add me.
Okay, what next...oh yeah I've been playing a lot Genshin Impact in the last year, alongside DragonBall Xenoverse 2 if you have PS4 and wanna play I play those and a few others like CoD, Overwatch, Castle Crashers, Scott Pilgrim, Streets of Rage 4, and a few fighting games too.
This next one is sorta a more personal one. So for those who do or don't know, I've had issues with my mental health. Because of that I usually tend to vanish without a trace, not telling anyone anything. Well my mental health has gotten a bit better. It's been rough trying to get a grip on myself (don't laugh...okay you can laugh) without any kind of therapy or medication. Mainly because the US's healthcare system is a complete joke. I've been trying to tackle these issues of mine on my own and don't get me wrong I will have my bad days, who doesn't, but I am doing significantly better than I was. I've come to terms with certain things and I don't get as upset as I used to. I still do, just not as much.
Things have been up and down for me lately but I'm trying to keep pushing forward. Anyways how have you been, I'd like to hear about what you've been up. Or if you have any questions don't be afraid to ask.
Thank you again for reading this and I hope you have a good day.
Another Year Older
Posted 5 years agoYep I'm officially 28 years old now
Hello
Posted 5 years agoI'm not dead. Just having computer issues which has completely affected my ability to work on art. So with that being said, how is everyone doing? I hope you're all staying safe and trying to make the best of this year. As for aside from not doing art, I've been watching a lot of anime again. I binged all of DragonBall Super in like 4 or 5 days. Also I've been playing games too. Specifically Ninjala on Nintendo Switch and Streets of Rage 4 on PS4. Other than that I've just been chatting on discord. But enough about me, what have you guys been up to?
How I've been feeling lately
Posted 5 years agoI was contemplating not doing this. I honestly was. But since nobody even bothers reading these things I figured I just need to get this out. Despite how it might seem to some people I'm not doing too well. I haven't been doing well for quite a while a now....a long while actually. A lot has happened and despite trying desperately to not let it get to me, it has. And now, I find myself realizing something. All of the misfortune that has been falling on me, I must have done something to deserve it.
I try really hard to be good person because that's just how I am. Am I perfect? No. I'm not and I never will be. Despite that I try to do the right thing even if it's extremely difficult. I try to be there for people, I try to help, I try to show people that they aren't alone. But deep down, I'm a horrible person. I try to help others while also shouldering my own issues myself and going it alone. I do this all while trying to be positive for others. Being positive for others...that's really easy...doing it for yourself is a different story.
As I said earlier, I've been going through a lot lately and it has gotten to me. So much that everything that I've kept inside for so long has come spilling out...slowly but surely. Over the past year or two, I've been hurt so many times that I've nearly turned to drugs to try to numb the pain. I've had falling outs with the people closest to me. I've lost friends. I've had anxiety attacks. And even recently my uncle was killed by police...and they pretty much aren't being held accountable. People I cherished as friends have walked out on me without a word. While others moved on just left me behind. I've been hurt, robbed, ripped off, betrayed, abandoned and it never seems to end. I've broken down. I've cried. I've lost sleep. I hardly eat anymore. And there just seems to be no end in sight. People always say "things will get better". When? When will things possibly get better? Because from where I'm standing, it's like no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to stay positive, life and people continue to screw me over.
All of these thoughts, feelings, and situations have made me think that maybe I did do something to deserve this and my misfortune is just karma getting me. Maybe I'm the terrible person. Maybe I've hurt people without realizing it. Maybe I brought all this on myself. Maybe I don't deserve friends.
On that matter, I've also began to question if I really have any friends at all anymore. Most either left or hate me. Everywhere I usually go, be it DeviantArt, FurAffinity, Inkbunny, or even Facebook, everyone seems to just be gone. Hell even discord has been dying for me in the last few months. Again I ask if I even have any friends...
Its funny...people have made jokes and memes using using that one clip from that Katy Perry interview...the one where she said "You just have to say that you're fine, when you're not really fine, but you just can't get into it because they would never understand." As much of a joke as that might be to some people, that's honestly how I've been for a long time now. People say they understand but do they really? And if they honestly did then why is it that the first thing they say is "get help"? I just don't know. I don't know anything anymore...
I've tried so hard to cope. But these events and situations have even made it hard for me to enjoy the things I used to enjoy because they end making me remember things I don't want to. I'm not happy. I haven't been for a really long time. Everytime I get a bit of it, it's always snatched away from me to the point now I feel like anything I really want out of life is just asking too much.
Which has left me questioning...Is life even worth it anymore?
If I could just get some answers to these questions, I'd at least be content. But even that is asking too much out of fate. I just don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I try to good person...I try to be there and support people when they need it....I try to do always do the right thing even if that means making the hard decisions other people are incapable of making. But where does that get me? I can't change the way I am. I'm a naturally kindhearted person and I'll always be. Because I refuse to turn into someone who is disrespectful and just rude towards people for no reason whatsoever.
I've tried taking breaks, I've tried venting to friends, I've tried making vent art...all it does is make people hate me even more and judge me...I've even tried that stupid hotline. Nothing works and I'm still unhappy Sometimes I feel like I truly have only one way to make all of this pain stop. I keep saying that maybe I did something to deserve my misfortune...if that is the case...all I want to know is what did I do. But I can't even get that.
There's honestly no hope left for me.
I try really hard to be good person because that's just how I am. Am I perfect? No. I'm not and I never will be. Despite that I try to do the right thing even if it's extremely difficult. I try to be there for people, I try to help, I try to show people that they aren't alone. But deep down, I'm a horrible person. I try to help others while also shouldering my own issues myself and going it alone. I do this all while trying to be positive for others. Being positive for others...that's really easy...doing it for yourself is a different story.
As I said earlier, I've been going through a lot lately and it has gotten to me. So much that everything that I've kept inside for so long has come spilling out...slowly but surely. Over the past year or two, I've been hurt so many times that I've nearly turned to drugs to try to numb the pain. I've had falling outs with the people closest to me. I've lost friends. I've had anxiety attacks. And even recently my uncle was killed by police...and they pretty much aren't being held accountable. People I cherished as friends have walked out on me without a word. While others moved on just left me behind. I've been hurt, robbed, ripped off, betrayed, abandoned and it never seems to end. I've broken down. I've cried. I've lost sleep. I hardly eat anymore. And there just seems to be no end in sight. People always say "things will get better". When? When will things possibly get better? Because from where I'm standing, it's like no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to stay positive, life and people continue to screw me over.
All of these thoughts, feelings, and situations have made me think that maybe I did do something to deserve this and my misfortune is just karma getting me. Maybe I'm the terrible person. Maybe I've hurt people without realizing it. Maybe I brought all this on myself. Maybe I don't deserve friends.
On that matter, I've also began to question if I really have any friends at all anymore. Most either left or hate me. Everywhere I usually go, be it DeviantArt, FurAffinity, Inkbunny, or even Facebook, everyone seems to just be gone. Hell even discord has been dying for me in the last few months. Again I ask if I even have any friends...
Its funny...people have made jokes and memes using using that one clip from that Katy Perry interview...the one where she said "You just have to say that you're fine, when you're not really fine, but you just can't get into it because they would never understand." As much of a joke as that might be to some people, that's honestly how I've been for a long time now. People say they understand but do they really? And if they honestly did then why is it that the first thing they say is "get help"? I just don't know. I don't know anything anymore...
I've tried so hard to cope. But these events and situations have even made it hard for me to enjoy the things I used to enjoy because they end making me remember things I don't want to. I'm not happy. I haven't been for a really long time. Everytime I get a bit of it, it's always snatched away from me to the point now I feel like anything I really want out of life is just asking too much.
Which has left me questioning...Is life even worth it anymore?
If I could just get some answers to these questions, I'd at least be content. But even that is asking too much out of fate. I just don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I try to good person...I try to be there and support people when they need it....I try to do always do the right thing even if that means making the hard decisions other people are incapable of making. But where does that get me? I can't change the way I am. I'm a naturally kindhearted person and I'll always be. Because I refuse to turn into someone who is disrespectful and just rude towards people for no reason whatsoever.
I've tried taking breaks, I've tried venting to friends, I've tried making vent art...all it does is make people hate me even more and judge me...I've even tried that stupid hotline. Nothing works and I'm still unhappy Sometimes I feel like I truly have only one way to make all of this pain stop. I keep saying that maybe I did something to deserve my misfortune...if that is the case...all I want to know is what did I do. But I can't even get that.
There's honestly no hope left for me.
Friendly Reminder
Posted 5 years agoI do have commissions open.
https://www.deviantart.com/prototyp.....open-739178896
https://www.deviantart.com/prototyp.....open-739178896
Apologies
Posted 6 years agoAfter sitting up for many sleepless nights, lost with all of my thoughts, I couldn't help but think about the past. It's always something that just creeps up on me. Serving as a reminder of what a horrible friend and person I really. I try so hard to be a good friend, to hold close the ones I hold dear, and yet whenever I slip up I ended losing those people. I'm not afraid or too proud to admit that these thoughts have brought me to tears a few times. I'm not perfect. I'm sorry that I'm not. I'm sorry to all the people and friends that my stupid actions, thoughts, and words have directly and indirectly hurt. I'm sorry that I wasn't good enough to be the person I was expected to be. I'm sorry to the friends whom my depression pushed to the edge and exhausted their patience with me. I let you all down and I can't fix it. I wish could fix things between me and all the friends who now want nothing to do with me I really do. But I blew it and all it took was one screw up. Something like one misunderstood joke or venting too much and I easily destroyed friendships. Or making a tough decision for the sake of doing the right thing. Or putting my foot down and being aggressive for the sake of helping snap someone back into reality. I realize now that these things were all mistakes and now I'm paying for them and all I can do sit here and keep apologizing. Even though I'm pretty sure that no one will even read this or even care. I know I can be annoying, I know I can say dumb things, I know I'm forgetful, I know I can be downright depressing...and for that I really am sorry. I'm sorry I let so many friendships slip right through my fingers. I don't blame anyone for moving on to better friends. And lastly, I sincerely wish everyone, even those who cut ties with me, the best in life.
Anyone looking to buy commissions?
Posted 6 years agoMine are still open
It's my Birthday
Posted 6 years agoI'm now officially 27...
Yaaaay...
Yaaaay...
7 days until I get older
Posted 6 years agoYeah...I don't wanna get old DX
Updated Commissions
Posted 6 years agoInfo as well as examples can be found here
https://www.deviantart.com/prototyp.....ated-739178896
https://www.deviantart.com/prototyp.....ated-739178896
I'm not dead.
Posted 6 years agoI'm just really REALLY inactive since not that much is ever going on here for me.
On the other hand a lot of things have happened over the past few months and I can say I'm not the same anymore.
Despite that I'm still taking commissions.
Prices are found right here
https://www.deviantart.com/prototyp.....open-739178896
Which brings me to an important questions.
The recent drawing I posted
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/31415306/
Yeah that one, would anyone be interested in some Chibi Commissions?
Also If anyone wants to contact me I do have discord.
Thank you for reading and have good day.
On the other hand a lot of things have happened over the past few months and I can say I'm not the same anymore.
Despite that I'm still taking commissions.
Prices are found right here
https://www.deviantart.com/prototyp.....open-739178896
Which brings me to an important questions.
The recent drawing I posted
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/31415306/
Yeah that one, would anyone be interested in some Chibi Commissions?
Also If anyone wants to contact me I do have discord.
Thank you for reading and have good day.
Thank you all!!!
Posted 7 years agoI know I'm not the best at showing my gratitude towards others but I want to thank every single person who went out of their way to wish me a happy birthday yesterday. Friends, family, people I haven't spoken to in a long time, and people I've never spoken to at all. Thank you all so much. Despite there not really being a celebration or anything, I still had a good day. So many people from different places all noticed someone who is practically a ghost any other day really made me feel special. So again thank you all. Thank you for reminding me that I'm old.
Today's my birthday
Posted 7 years agoI'm now 26
I got discord now
Posted 7 years agoYeah...um...so that's a thing now
I'm fucking crying right now!
Posted 7 years agoAfter 20+ years of waiting....
Need Some Advice
Posted 7 years agoI can't seem to sleep anymore. And whenever I try, (and by try I mean lie in bed my with my eyes closed and hope for the best) the most I can get is about 2 hours before I'm up again with that "tired but not tired" feeling. This has been going on for about 3 weeks now.
Anyone have any ideas or advice on why this is happening or what I can do about it?
Anyone have any ideas or advice on why this is happening or what I can do about it?
Hey Everyone
Posted 7 years agoHow is everyone doing these days? Hopefully well.
I'm still taking commissions
Posted 7 years agoMy prices are right here. I accept PayPal and DeviantArt points.
https://prototypetheory.deviantart......open-739178896
Honestly right now I need more on my to-do list to keep me occupied. Things haven't been going so well for me but I don't want to go into that.
Anyways, if you're interested please comment or sent me a note.
If you can't commission me, I would greatly appreciate it you could spread the word.
Thank you for taking the time to read this
https://prototypetheory.deviantart......open-739178896
Honestly right now I need more on my to-do list to keep me occupied. Things haven't been going so well for me but I don't want to go into that.
Anyways, if you're interested please comment or sent me a note.
If you can't commission me, I would greatly appreciate it you could spread the word.
Thank you for taking the time to read this
Please help my friend!
Posted 7 years agoMy friend Trisxina is taking emergency commission and selling adoptables to be able to afford the medicine she needs.
Go here for the info
https://www.deviantart.com/journal/.....bles-745090179
Please. If you can't buy a commission or an adoptable, spreading the word would be greatly appreciated.
Go here for the info
https://www.deviantart.com/journal/.....bles-745090179
Please. If you can't buy a commission or an adoptable, spreading the word would be greatly appreciated.
Anyone here has Telegram?
Posted 7 years agoI have telegram so if anyone has it and wants to talk with me I can be reached there
Is anyone even still here?
Posted 7 years agoIts like this place has gone dead silent
Hey
Posted 7 years agoWhat's up everyone? How are you guys doing?
Commissions
Posted 7 years agoI made a journal on my DA with all the prices and examples!
Go here for all the details
https://prototypetheory.deviantart......open-739178896
Go here for all the details
https://prototypetheory.deviantart......open-739178896
Hello again. (Important Question)
Posted 7 years agoHello everyone or at least anyone who is reading this right now. Its been a good while since I said anything. That being said, I have something I need to ask. You see, in the past month that I've been gone, I watched a lot of anime and movies, played a lot of Overwatch and didn't really draw much of anything. But I also took some time to think about things and now I can say I'm feeling a bit better and I sincerely hope that you guys are to.
Which leads me to that question. I'm not pointing anyone out in particular but I just need to get this off my chest. I'm honestly tired. Very tired. I'm tired of jumping through hoops and putting forth so much effort to try to be friends with people only to get blown off and ghosted by people. I'm tired of messaging people trying to show that I'm interested in being friends and socializing only to be flat out ignored for weeks with no sign of ever getting a reply. I can understand if you're busy but please don't look at message and just not reply. Say you're busy and I'll understand or message me whenever you can. Leaving someone who wants to talk to you hanging for months is messed up. I'm not mad or anything I just want to understand.
Sidetracked again...sorry about that. Anyway, my question is...
What am I to you who is reading this right now? Am I a friend, acquaintance, someone you'd like to get to know, an enemy, etc? I'm asking this now so I'll know for future reference if I'm just not worth your time in your eyes so I can stop bothering to try and stop wasting everyone's time.
Which leads me to that question. I'm not pointing anyone out in particular but I just need to get this off my chest. I'm honestly tired. Very tired. I'm tired of jumping through hoops and putting forth so much effort to try to be friends with people only to get blown off and ghosted by people. I'm tired of messaging people trying to show that I'm interested in being friends and socializing only to be flat out ignored for weeks with no sign of ever getting a reply. I can understand if you're busy but please don't look at message and just not reply. Say you're busy and I'll understand or message me whenever you can. Leaving someone who wants to talk to you hanging for months is messed up. I'm not mad or anything I just want to understand.
Sidetracked again...sorry about that. Anyway, my question is...
What am I to you who is reading this right now? Am I a friend, acquaintance, someone you'd like to get to know, an enemy, etc? I'm asking this now so I'll know for future reference if I'm just not worth your time in your eyes so I can stop bothering to try and stop wasting everyone's time.
