Been awhile, hasn't it? Damn.

Anyway, yeah...contrary to popular belief, I still exist! If I can just find where my tablet stylus is buried under all this rubbish on my desk, hopefully I can try to remember how to draw again.

Sorry again for being so incredibly flaky. Life kinda hates me.

Yeah, everything has really gone to hell lately. I'm really incredibly sorry for not being able to be properly professional with getting work done for people. I'm not getting much opportunity to try to draw at all from everything that's going on. I'm still trying, and hopefully things will improve soon, but everything is just a total mess right now and I'm not even able to check my messages here much.

Had to send someone a refund on their commission for the first time in all the time I've spent taking them over the years...which means I'm really failing to deliver proper service to people paying for art from me, and I'm so sorry.

As mentioned in my previous journal, I've been having a really rough past few weeks, but things are starting to look up again.

Got the smokes my friend sent me yesterday, and spent the day kicking back and getting some rest cos I was feeling pretty lousy for awhile there. Not quite 100% yet, but definitely a LOT better than I was, now that I've got my nicotine again. I think I've finally got the confusing mess with my bank sorted, too, so I don't have to stress out about that anymore, thankfully.

Gonna see if I can find a way to start practicing with my art and force myself to keep trying with it, cos I've been stagnating, and I'm really annoyed at myself that I've been taking so long on these commissions. Hopefully I can find my mojo again soon so I can get some work done.

Alright...things have been really, really bad now. I feel incredibly guilty that I've not gotten everyone's commissions done yet, and I'm really frustrated because I really do want to get them done as soon as possible. Lots of lousy stuff is going on at the moment, but I'm trying my best to get my shit back together soon.

Firstly, I'm having some serious money issues, because apparently my disability money is being changed up as a result of my mum's death. I don't know why they're only just getting around to changing it now, but the disability cheque is being changed to a different amount and on a different date (the second Wednesday of the month instead of the 1st of the month, meaning a week and a half of no money). I'm still trying to get all of this sorted, and it's confusing. The plus side is that when I do finally get it set up, I'll be getting slightly larger cheques, so there's at least some good from it.

As a result of this change, I've been flat broke for a few weeks, which is really stressing me out, and I haven't been able to afford cigarettes which is making it even worse. Withdrawl is really not nice to me, so I've been sick and pretty much completely incapacitated. Even if I hadn't been having trouble with the whole art rut thing, I absolutely cannot get anything done like this, cos I'm so goddamned jittery and my hands will not do what I want them to at all. I can barely even hold the bloody stylus.

Things ARE starting to look up a bit, though. A couple of friends were nice enough to give me money to pay for food and appointments and such, and another friend (who is awesome) ordered a couple of packs of ecigs for me, which hopefully should be showing up within the next couple of days so I can stop being a complete wreck. I fully intend to get my shit together as soon as I'm not having to deal with withdrawl anymore, and force myself to draw until I get these bloody commissions done.

This journal is just to let you know what's been holding me up, and I'm not asking for donations. I'm also not taking any more commissions until I can work through my current queue and be able to clear it up for future stuff. I really really hate that I've been keeping people waiting, so I want a clear queue to make things start moving faster.

Again, I'm very intensely sorry for all of this. I know that this is still at least partially my own fault for not working harder to pull myself out of my art rut, so I'm owning up to that now, but a lot of bad shit has also been going on...I've really not been having a good past several months, as far as my personal life goes. Ugh. I'm so sorry, and I'm going to try to fix this.

Ugh, getting really sick of this. Finally got my groove back before my involuntary downtime, and now I'm COMPLETELY STUCK again. I can't seem to make anything work at all again, and it's really frustrating the hell out of me.

Anyone got any advice as far as how I can stop sucking and be able to draw again? Absolutely nothing is working.

SO sorry bout this!! Ugh. I meant to only take a short break from art during the holidays, but the lousiest damn thing came up...

If you didn't already know, I have a chronic pain condition that makes it near-impossible to sit up for any length of time without some pretty heavy prescription opiates (and I need to sit up in order to draw, since I do everything on tablet). My doctor was a total flaky git when I needed refills this most recent time, and he took bloody FOREVER to refill my prescription, so I was without meds at all for...fuck, a week or something? I ended up in bed most of that time cos I was in too damned much pain to do anything at all. It was so bloody annoying and miserable.

My doctor fucking FINALLY gave me more painkillers today, so I actually am more or less functional again. Really really sorry to anybody who's still waiting on commissions, but I seriously couldn't do anything about this. I really tried, I really did, but I just was completely bloody disabled the whole time. >_<

Sooo...yeah...now you know where I've been. I'll get back on the whole working on art thing ASAP, pro'lly starting tomorrow since I'm still feeling a li'l unwell today from being off my meds so long. I should be back to normal by tomorrow though.

Again, sorry for any inconvenience to anyone this caused. It was frustrating as all hell for me too.

So, probably everybody has noticed by now that I'm stagnating big-time on the whole art thing. I have no one to blame but myself for this, since I let myself basically become swallowed up by depression from trying to adjust to the loss of my mum (the grief has been getting increasingly worse) and just the general state of my life right now.

I'm grateful that I don't live alone. I live with my dad and my sister, and they sorta had an intervention for me the other night. They confronted me about the way I'm living my life right now and the fact I never even talk to them anymore despite living in the same house with them. Been spending all of my time caught up in escapism, watching films/shows and playing games constantly instead of actually living my life. This needed to happen, because that isn't right for me to be doing.

As usual, my sister had some helpful advice. She told me about a time in her life where she went through a very similar thing and acted similarly to how I've been, and she told me how she got out of it. I have to find my own way out, but it helped to know I'm not alone in this. Going to start spending more time with my family in the hopes that it'll help me pull myself out of this bad place I'm in.

To everyone, I'm really sorry. I should never have let myself get this way. I don't know what the future holds, but I'm hoping things will eventually start to come together again. Probably going to have to force myself to spend a certain amount of time working on art each day, else I'm never going to get back into it, and I really don't want that.

Life problems or no, I've been a massive disappointment in that regard to everyone who paid me for art. I need to uphold my end of the agreement. Please accept my apology for being so unprofessional and unreliable in regards to this. If anyone wants their commission refunded, I'll do so for you as soon as possible. If you don't want a refund and still want your art, I'll continue, and I sincerely apologise for making you wait.

Here's to the future and to learning to live again. I can't continue to ignore my life and will be doing my best to redeem myself. Thank you all for bearing with me in spite of how I've been.

I swear, I've been having the worst luck ever this year... Came down with something really nasty and I'm only just starting to get better. Had a really nasty sore throat and general awfulness, and I had to spend most of the time sleeping trying to get over it. One of my friends got sick similarly at the same time I did...guess something is going around?

I couldn't sit up for long at a time for quite awhile there and I do my art on the computer, so I couldn't get anything done. Really getting tired of getting rampant bad luck every time I actually need to be productive. I swear I must have some kind of curse.

Anyway, it's FINALLY starting to go away, and I can mostly eat and drink normally again and everything, so I'm seriously hoping it'll be all gone soon. Massive apologies to the people who got sketch commissions and haven't gotten them yet, but I didn't forget about you! I got some rough doodles done for some of them before I got sick, so I'm gonna finish those up first and then see how quickly I can get through the rest. Thanks for your patience!

I kinda vanished for a bit there when I opened up for commissions, and I'm a bit disappointed in myself for not having several of them done already. I have good news and bad news about that...

First, the BAD NEWS ...

You probably know (or guessed) that I'm a moderately heavy smoker. After mum died and even moreso when the grief fully hit, I went up to about a pack a day and was burning through my finances (pun not indended). I also had that nasty nasty tooth infection that ended up costing me a LOT of money from various dental visits, plus my sister's birthday having been this month and I had to buy her a present...so I wound up flat broke with no money for smokes. This is why I opened up for commissions, but nicotine withdrawl kicked my arse something awful and made me sick, which kept me from getting much work done.

But wait! There's GOOD NEWS!

Thanks to the people who commissioned me, I was able to get some smokes today by withdrawing my Paypal funds into my bank account. Feeling SO much better now, and my concentration is back, so I'll be zooming through the commissions best I can, likely starting today or tomorrow.

And yes, I know smoking is bad for me. At least I switched to e-cigarettes in the interest of my health (nicotine vape with no tobacco, tar, or carcinogens) at the recommendation of a fellow smoker friend, so please save the lecturing. Nicotine helps me concentrate, and it's going to get the commissions done.

Thanks again to everyone who got a commission!! I'll get you your pictures as fast as possible!!

You probably noticed I've not been around much on FA lately. I'm still here, just some serious and very difficult stuff going on in my offline life forced me into an impromptu hiatus that I'm doing my best to return from...

It happened about a month ago or so... I lost my mother really suddenly to an unknown illness. It all happened over the course of just two days...she'd just come down with something, got much worse, then my entire life was turned upside down, just like that. I was very close to my mum and was in such shock over her death that (until just a couple of days ago when it finally hit) I really couldn't even make myself believe it had happened at all, even though I'd seen her in the hospital in her final moments.

We didn't have a funeral, just a small service like she would have wanted with just her and dad's family and friends. She'd always said she wanted to be remembered for the good times and not grieved over, and that's what the service was about. I'm glad that I managed to get up the courage to say a piece about her after the minister and my dad talked, so that I could share just how amazing a mother she was and how special I was to her as her son -- she did so much for me, fought so hard for me, and was always there to support me.

I didn't want to make this journal right away because I didn't want to talk about her while I still couldn't process it yet or even believe she was gone. I also really didn't want to sound like I was fishing for sympathy or anything -- and yes, I WILL be okay. I have some wonderful friends supporting me and helping cheer me up...plus I've still got Tasha, kitty being all up in my face demanding attention to help keep me sane.

The dust will settle eventually, but I felt like I ought to let people know what happened now that I can talk about it properly. Hopefully I can get back into working on art. I need something to be passionate about. Sorry to the couple of people I owe art to still...I'll get to it.

I'm trying to Livestream on Windows 7 (64-bit)...Procaster worked just fine on Windows XP, but now that I've upgraded to Windows 7, no version of the program will work right on my system. I just spent 4 hours trying (and failing) to get it to work that I intended to spend working on art, and I officially hate it now.

Anyone that Livestreams on Windows 7, is there another client I can use, or some fix that will make Procaster WORK?

Gahhhh...

Yeah, right when I got really motivated to be productive, I came down with a bloody nasty plague illness. Like some combination of a really bad cold and bronchitis, was bloody miserable. If you were wondering where I vanished to, that was it...sorry!

The good news is I'm back, and I've just got a lingering cough now that'll take a bit to leave me alone, but otherwise I feel fine and definitely no longer too fuzzy-headed to work on art. I may have to spend awhile running round with a butterfly net trying to catch my muse again, but at least I can see the bugger flitting around!

So yeah...still alive (er, unalive?) and ready to tackle new stuff again, woohoo!

...though it's gonna take me forever to catch up on all the messages/submissions in my inbox, yikes!!

Guess what I got for my birthday!?

A SHINY NEW INTUOS4 TABLET!! HOLY SHIT!! My parents totally surprised me with this and bloody hell am I spoiled!! I'd been coveting the Intuos4 for quite awhile now but totally couldn't afford it, and wasn't expecting to get anything big or pricy for my birthday (or any gifts at all, really!), and so I nearly went insane with glee when I found out they got me this! :D!!

It's not just any Intuos4 either, it's a BIG one!! The epic beast large-sized one I was hardcore drooling over, which is amazingly decadent and bloody awesome. Oh man, I am SO PSYCHED about getting to use my new tablet now, after using an absolutely ancient shitty nearly-dead Graphire for YEARS! This is absolutely unbelievably amazing and I'm so lucky!! Best parents in the world!

Well, I guess I got NO EXCUSE to procrastinate any longer on getting my art backlog finished up! Hahahaha <3 Can't complain about having to use that shitty old tablet now that I got this slick sexy thing! Better get to work!

Oh, and also my sis surprised me with a GIANT basket of assorted boxes of candy, which was a great surprise too and makes me super super happy. Haha, she knows what I like!!

Damn, this was absolutely the best birthday I've ever had in my life!

To anyone who gets mopey about getting older on their birthdays, just do what I do. I call birthdays 'cakedays' instead. That way I have something positive to focus on. CAKE!

I'm turning 28 today, but instead of moping about how old that makes me feel, I'm instead happy because I'm getting free cake. German chocolate cake, too, which is absolutely the best kind of cake...mmm~ Everything's gonna be real low-key n quiet this year, too...I get to just kick back and relax, which is definitely how I wanna spend my day. Just cake, pizza, and chillaxin'.

See, cake makes everything awesome!

Back from hiatus in just a few days like I was hoping. I'm fine and nothing's wrong, just some offline life stuff was just keeping me away from my work. No drama to see here, sorry! XP

I'm still really behind on my work, but I'm on it! First priority is getting my queue cleared before I work on anything new, especially wanting to finish those badges I need to colour. Time to actually get stuff done instead of being lazy, oi.

Life stuff, will not be drawing or checking FA much for awhile.. I WILL be back, just not sure if it will be days or weeks.

Will let you know when things are alright. Sorry for inconvenience.

So...it's nearing the end of January already, and I've made zero progress on my New Years resolution. Well, bugger!!

I'm having so much trouble getting started with drawing again because I'm just plain out of practice...I seriously never thought I could 'unlearn' the ability to draw, but that's kind of what's happened. I really wish I knew the best way to get myself back into practice, but I just...I don't know. I've just been trying to sketch stuff and failing a lot. Any suggestions to help are welcome. D:> Please!

Of course, there's also Trinket, who despite being a really bloody amazing and totally supportive girlfriend, not to mention just overall the best thing to ever happen to me...is kind of distracting. She's really been keeping me busy, ifyouknowwhatImean.
(...Best excuse ever?)

Aaanyway, tryin hard to get back on track with the art thing, and once I've practiced enough to bloody remember how to draw again, I should once again be actually posting new art and all that rot. In the meantime, the unfinished commissions are top priority, so I'm trying to re-learn how to colour first to get those done! Also, other than frustration over my backlog of art-like-things I gotta get done, I've been in a really good mood most of the time lately, which always helps with trying to work.

If I'm still not back on track in another month, you lot can totally all beat me to death with baseball bats.

So, it's a new year, and all that rot. Sorry this journal is almost a week late for the topic...I ran out of painkilers and my doctor was on holiday, so I couldn't do much other than lie in bed, ugh. I've finally got them refilled and I'm fine again now, though. Hooray!

Anyway, as you may have noticed, I've been really slacking off for awhile now. My New Year's resolution is to finish up my queue and start taking commissions again! I just recently installed Windows 7 on my new huge 1TB hard drive (got 'em for Christmas, I'm a nerd), so I'm still working on getting everything set up. My much smaller HD is still hooked up though as an extra drive, so I've still got my WIP art!

Surprisingly, Windows 7 really isn't giving me trouble, and I'm liking it a lot! I LOVE the new taskbar, especially the way you get a little mini preview when you hover over items. It makes it a lot easier to multitask while playing WoW...haha...and everything seems to run faster, oddly. Maybe it's the 64-bit thing?

So, sorry to keep everybody waiting! I'm gonna try to get this year off to a good start! Gettin' those badges done for Spotz and PlagueRat ASAP, and then I'll sort out how I want to handle public commissions. I'm really hoping that I can raise enough money from commissions to get the really annoyingly expensive new tablet I want!

Peace out, yo
--Spike

Christmas has always been my favourite time of year, the one or two days a year that still hold their magic no matter how jaded I get about everything else in the world, and when I don't need an excuse to just be a kid again for awhile.

Why do I bring this up? Well, to me and many other people, it's also a time to spend with your loved ones...and that part is especially significant to me this year. This is going to be the first Christmas I will spend with a girlfriend, not to mention one who actually really loves me back and wants to stick around (which is a first). Needless to say, this is going to be a very, VERY special holiday for me this year, and I'm extremely happy. <3

The wonderful girl who's been making me so happy lately is Trinket:
She's the beauty in this sketch that got me drawing for the first time in months! She's been doing me a world of good, and I'm incredibly grateful to have found her. I'm slowly getting my act together thanks to her making me feel like life is worthwhile again. I've never been so happy or healthy in my entire life.

This is rather sappy, but I just wanted to share this really, really happy moment in my life with everyone. Hope everyone else is having even slightly as good of a holiday season as me!

Also, after New Years I think, I may start taking commissions again. Don't quote me on that, though.

CATACLYSM. IS. EFFING. LIVE!!!

*FLAIL*





...

Translation: I may disappear for a few days while raving about wolves.

For those that are not aware why I sorta fell off the face of FA for awhile...

First there was this big heartbreak to end a relationship of general emotional fuckery, so I had no motivation to draw... and then I got crippled from having had the very tip of my index finger chomped bad by my sis's cranky old big male rat. Damn thing still isn't healed entirely. Either of the things, really. Least I'm cheerful at the moment...even if it's mostly thanks to multiple prescription narcotics. (Don't worry, I'm okay!)

So yeah, it's been bloody forever and my finger still isn't healed. It's scabbed over and doesn't need a suture anymore though, and the scab is FINALLY starting to fade. I still have a lack of sensation right where the bite is, like my fingertip has a bunch of extra skin on it or something. It's very annoying and it's buggering up my coordination trying to draw again. I really hope it heals all the way soon.

Practicing trying to actually use my finger again while I'm not caring I'm doing a crap job. Trying to re-learn how to type with ten fingers, too. Believe it or not, I've been typing with nine fingers the past month or so while unable to use that finger...and actually got used to it, so I'm amazed how awkward it is to try to use ten again! Muscle memory is so weird.

Since I'm not sure if Kei is gonna actually upload this anywhere or not...
I was extremely depressed...and Kei's electricity died and she said she'd do a pic for me with markers coz she wanted to draw with 'em due to power out...when she got back on her phone to show me this, it totally cheered me up and made my day: [click for adorable!]

That's my fursona Spike there...with RL rattie Lily on his head!!
Lily is one of my sister's pet rats who adores me and has basically adopted me despite me just being her 'uncle' who takes care of her during the day when sis isn't home. She's so at-ease around me, not scared at all, very very curious...and quickly turning into a parrot-rat, climbing on me and riding on my shoulder to see and smell things better. She's a hooded rat with a dark face, and Kei guessed her markings almost 100% accurate!

I know it's just a picture, but it made me REALLY happy and totally turned round my mood, so I wanted to share with my watchers.

Yeah, that really horrible rat bite on my fingertip... It may heal sooner than I was thinking earlier, I think I found a way to bandage it that will allow me to (try to) draw, and other things.

The butterfly suture's adhesive was all coming off and it really itched, and it was bugging me that I hadn't been able to see the 1/3 of the cut that had been under the suture for over a week. So I decided to replace it...very carefully removed it to discover that part of why my fingertip felt so tender was that the suture was on WAY TOO TIGHT! It had actually been hurting my finger like that. ._.

Took a look at the cut underneath and was pleased to see it scabbed over. It didn't open up while I washed it thoroughly and let my finger stop being squashed for a bit, but just to be safe I put lots of creme on and put a new suture on (not as tight this time!) Now I'm just waiting for the scab to start healing.

Found a way to use 2-3 regular plasters on my finger in a way that completely covers the wound without being too bulky...can actually type with 10 fingers now without hurting my fingertip at all. The corners of my finger are not tender at all with it like this...so I'm actually fairly confident I can try to draw like this. It'll be awkward due to the bandaging, but I'd like to try later, just for a little bit.

So yeah, not quite as crippled now, and not completely hopeless and mopey.
Yay!

Also, HAPPY HALLOWEEN, GUYS!! :D

As you might know, my sis's huge adult male rat nearly took the tip of my finger off just over a week ago. The journal bout that: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/1807240/

It scabbed over and all, but prolly not closed up underneath yet (scab not fading)...I still can't take the butterfly suture off, still forced to awkwardly (though getting better at it) type with 9 fingers, still cannot hold a pen in my hand...and thus still CANNOT DRAW! T_T Yes, it's on my right (drawing) hand, and at the tip of my index finger, making art impossible.

I hate so intensely the feeling of powerlessness here. It's absolutely driving me up the wall. To anyone I owe art to...know that I'm not dropping these projects, and they'll be done IMMEDIATELY as soon as I can actually use a pen...I have two partially coloured badge commissions that are gonna be priority #1 before I do anything else.

I hate this so much and wish the bite were healed already...hopefully it should be better within the next week, though I really wish it would heal sooner...I seriously want to be able to finish up my unfinished work and get started on new commissions (since I need money BADLY...)

For those of you that don't follow my twitter...

I vowed today I would finally get to work on my overdue art. I really felt like I could get some drawing done. But sis was not home and works long shifts, and we have an agreement that I play with her rats while she's at work to keep them friendly.

One of sis's rats is VERY antisocial...Watson, half of a pair of actually bonded adult males...he became extremely unfriendly when the other died, and he started biting...now has to be kept in his own cage (sad...) One of the new rats (very young, banded hooded female with one eye, named Lily) is very friendly toward me and I want to bond with her a bit.

So, I went in to check on the rats. The cages are stacked, with the two females in their own cage on top of Watson's. I was seeing if Lily wanted to come to the door and be held, and didn't notice my hand was resting pressed against the side of Watson's cage. He reached his mouth between the bars and bit the first finger on my right hand. HARD.

He would not let go of my finger, and I had to literally tear my hand away from him and leave some skin behind in the process, just to get him off. To say my finger then bled is a huge understatement. It was GUSHING EVERYWHERE. I had to run to the bathroom as quickly as possible to not bleed all over the floor, and I swear the amount of blood that went down the drain as I was washing it off probably could have almost filled a glass. I panicked, thinking I was going to bleed out to death from a rat bite, especially because I'm very anaemic, but then remembered to put pressure on it, stopped the worst of the bleeding with tissue.

As of now, mum's come home and dressed it properly for me now, so typing is almost not painful at all (but still clumsy, takes awhile...) Unfortunately...it's the first finger on my right hand, and it's crucial in my ability to hold my tablet pen. I'm very upset because this means even more of a setback to my work.

I hope it heals quickly. :{