Yes i am leaving this hell hole...i am staying off the net as much as possible, due to the fact its an escape. And i get lost and don't pack like i need to.

My brother is a fucking psychopath and i am fucking done with his BS...My oldest brother...is a jack ass as well. I am seriously contemplating murdering them both and calling it even. sometimes i think it would be better. i am sick and tired of both their BS. The only brother i even remotely respect is Nathan. Because at least he doesn't inform me every other day You need a job, you need to grow up, you need to understand you have an other kid on the way...This coming from the same jackass who has no job, who dose not have his own place. who still has yet to grow up, and cost the family more than he gives back.

Cause anytime i get money it goes straight back to my mom. The whole time i have money i ask my mom do you need gas, do you need help with the bills...what do you need money wise mom. He goes here is 250 this month...and walk off...no explanation why he wont or can't pay his rent in whole...or the times he doesn't pay at all and doesn't even talk to mom. yeah...i keep telling her she just needs to kick his ass out...since the three months he is not in school, he uses 4-500$ a month. Me and my kid combined use up t 3-500 every 3-4 months...>.> so yeah...i feel no sympathy...none what so ever...then when mom tells him she doesn't have it to give him he throws a shit fit. Mom tells me she doesn't have the money to help me try and restart my business i say that's ok, and I'll find a way.

I am in no way saying i am the perfect child...i am far from that. I have my moments, but lack of money can be life and death, lack of mom having a job...well that's life or death... So while i could careless about the god awful dollar, i am not stupid enough to think i cannot live with out it.

i think i am done ranting...i wonder when the next day of Andy wigging out and telling me to get the fuck out of "his" house....Since last time i checked its part of the estate since it has a deed...meaning its a fucking 1/5 mine.

Anyway i am exhausted...and still need to work. i Love you all, and i will be back later...

Z

Ok i am not sure on everything, but i am shutting down and packing up my comp. My brother decided to wig out and now i am not sure if i am staying in the house anymore. My mom i suppose to call me after she finishes work and let me know. but as far as i know i am going to Dallas...and then get to fucking figure out how to get my dogs and cats from here. and what i am going to feed them since he will probably not be getting dog and cat food anymore....so yeah. If anyone really gives a shit, you can call me. i really just have no clue what to do anymore.

Well by the 16th if i am in dallas i will have net..so yeah see you then.

Seriously...i just found out i will have the funding i need...but i am not sure when i will get it...and i need to go ahead and reserve my table for All Con. I need to take on 7 commissions.

There is one catch to this...you have to wait until after next week to get them. They will be fully shaded, with up to 2 characters. I know 25 bucks is a lot for people, but even if you just donate to me...that would be freaking awesome! and you'll get something for it. as long as you Put your FA name in the notes on paypal. If you seriously do not want something leave it blank.

Also i would be willing to do glow in the dark chainmail, either a bracelet or anklet. in up to 3 colors, or rainbowed...I'd show you examples of my work, but i was only suppose to be here till Saturday...things did not pan out.

Also if you are in the Wichita Falls area i will accept cash...>.> Just note me.

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0/175$

ok so the con was cool. I loved my Neighbors! love love love them! Mistress Katie was the awesome steam punker next to me, Then there was my pretty little raver Kegan, and her brother from another mother, Sparkles! he now belongs to Ripley... Then there was the artist dude on the other side of me...i don't think i ever got his name...

The area they put me really hurt my profit...-.- new area...and more then slightly hidden. i was rather upset with this...but glad i did not move. my neighbors made it enjoyable...

Though i plan on the next con having a better display area and all...it wont take me long as soon as i get the cash for it...which i am taking out of my inheritance, since i didn't even make enough to replace my stock...that's how money wise the con sucked. i was very disappointed at that...

Anyway...i am still "gone" cause i have to finish up packing here, and move back to the house! i no longer live in the hell hole of WF! YAY!... but i will really miss Shesta and Candi. i really enjoined them being around...so i guess i'll have to come back up here to see them!

anyway...i am off to get to work...-.- So see y'all later!

So today i leave for Dallas...and Afest is this weekend so i prolly will not be on. love you all...see you tuesday!

So i sent some rings with my mom to get to Twiggy, so i can get some help on my chainmaile. it is crunch week so i am already strung out badly. so i was doing fine. my rings were going to be in the hands of twiggy yesterday... Well my mom and brother get in a car wreck...so i was freaking out...due to the fact no one told me anything..not what happened or what was going on...all i knew is my mom was in the hospital...how bad she was no clue...so i was freaking out badly yesterday...So i stream to kinda get my mind off it..and throw myself into work...did i mention all day yesterday my back was killing me...

So today i am freaking out...its Tuesday. Friday i have to be at the con by 9am...the rings have to be in the paws of Twiggy tonight..so at the risk of sounding like a complete ass. i called my mom found out if she was ok, and how everything was going...then i talk to her about the fact all my rings are in the car, and they have to be in twiggy's hands tonight. My mom understands, she knows i am trying to make this work, and that i am riding on the help from twiggy...so i can work on the other stock i need to get done.

So told me not to worry she would make sure twiggy had the rings...even if she had to walk them there. so i am doing a bit better.still stressed, so if i ignore messages, or snap at you. please understand i am under the gun here...since some things happened out of my control...like ups not liking the dirt road...-.- but i just keep seeing myself with all the stock and displays i need.

ok i feel better now...i going to go back to my bending of rings. love you all.

Also i would be offering to make you custom order right in front of you...but honestly would anyone watch me stream chainmaile?

ok people i have two people i am pimping today. One is in dire straights, and the other just opened for commissions.

first is Saber, he is a great friend of mine. In dire straights. Homeless and jobless. He is doing art for 10 bucks or whatever you can spare.

http://www.furaffinity.net/user/darkjokerwolfeh/
this is where some of his older art is. he has improved a lot.

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/1661527/
this is the info journal for him. Please send what ever you can.

now then secondly here is the person who just opened for commissions, please check them out mk?
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/1661768
there is their info and seriously at least watch them!

and really gets funnier when you sit down and think about all the douche bag you have dated in your life.

Like for instance...my Ex who is married to someone that said i was their friend. Well i sat here thinking about a few things in life. His current wife...before he dated me he dated the wife's sister, and aunt....and all i could do i laugh my ass off. the only thing that popped into my head was "well at least they are keeping it in the family?"

i mean seriously...its like you might be a redneck is you have dated your wife's sister and aunt before you married your wife.

yes i am sick in the head. please do not inform me of this...do not tell me i am a jackass for being is a good mood over the fact that there are so many ways to poke fun at that. Trust me i am not afraid to tell them to their face they are fucked in the head as well. Not to mention i feel turn about is fair play. since the fact i have love letters form an ex of his while he was engaged to me....>.> so lets not go there ladies and gentlefurs.

I mean its like a cherry on a bad day for me right now...little silver lining. i try to enjoy the little things in life.

omg wtf caps...

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/1650800/

this person is offering free art as long as you fallow the rules. mk?

Leave a comment and I'll...

1. Tell you something I'll learn about you by looking at your FA page for 13 seconds.
2. Tell you which color you remind me of.
3. Tell you my first memory of you.
4. Tell you what pokemon you remind me of.
5. Ask you something I've always wondered about you, and your answer has to be as vague as possible to keep the suspense.
6. Tell you my favorite thing about you.
7. Give you a weird nickname.
8. Tell you what's on my shirt right now.
9. Challenge you to post this on your journal.

Challenged by  catso

Umm someone got a camera i can barrow? i seriously need to take pics of my chainmaile work...-.- i have my own camera...but i have a sneaky feeling that its in the storage shed in dallas...some where...

That or if someone has this camera
http://www.walmart.com/ip/Sanyo-VPC.....400BL/14235185
can i barrow your charger?

When you have welts on your boobs from where stray rings have popped you the cleavage...>.> those tiny little steel bastards....-.-

You know you are a pregger feme chainmailer when you scream like a bitch cause you just popped a stray ring into your boob...-.-

that is all...

ok so life just exploded once again...

So i cleaned the living room in two days and moved and set up my work station. i feel proud of myself...this was short lived...due to the fact the youngest of my brothers starts throwing a shit fit...throws my 1 year old daughters things around...what kind of person would do this?

So i went to bed in a foul mood and had great nightmares....woke up with a horrid migraine... with my migraine i am basically incapacitated for the day, and generally throwing up anything that i even think about eating. Well me being preggers and like it was last time the first trimester i get all day sickness... needless to say i have been throwing up even water today...

a few times while i am throwing up i hear my youngest brother bitch about it. his words were, "Why the fuck do you even get out of bed if your just going to be sick and not do anything. Cause i don't want to hear you throwing up."

i am like geez...i am so glad that when i was woken up by my screaming diaper-less child, i had help walking in there to make sure she was ok...cause i walked worse than a man with no sea legs during a perfect storm.... let alone carry her to my work area, where her chair is to play with her. Mind you everyone i was doing this while holding down my cookies, and having someone jack hammer my head into nothing.

Anytime i have had a migraine, my mother kindly watches my kid, so i can nurse myself back to a functioning state.

so its like 11pm and its storming so the tv goes out..imagine that...so my youngest brother comes out all pissed and yelling and bitching... i am checking on my dog cause he has a horrid phobia of thunderstorms. he gets his head stuck in a hole in the hallway wall...so my happy butt goes out there to save him. and he comes into the hallway.

i go back to eating my toast because evidently i am starting to keep food down... Well not more the five minutes later my brother comes in yelling that the dog made a mess. so i ask like any normal person, what kind of mess. i want to bring the necessary items in which to clean it with me. i get yelled at some more. "i don't know but he made a mess!" so i go look with him breathing down my neck. The dog threw up his kibble...so the dog goes and eats his vomit...its common for dogs to do so... well he cleaned the mess up and the carpet looked better than it has in probably 50 years since it was put in.

i go back to sitting down...to try and finish my food...cause i need to eat...>.> and then i hear it...My eldest brother is now over here. And all i hear is the youngest going down the hallway to his room. "She is now gonna go call mom and bitch about how mean i am to her." So my cranky ass gets up and knocks on his door, opens it and tells him. "So i don't know what happened to crawl up your ass and die, but please go get yourself and enema and flush it out. ok?"

this did not go well. storms out of his room to yell about how its mine and my oldest brothers fault that he is being eaten alive by ants in his room....ok everyone who has read this far..take a moment to think on that statement and go WTF how?

So i inform him that maybe if his room didn't have mostly full fast food drinks maybe you wouldn't have an ant problem. so he storms back into his room gets his shoes on and storms out of the house.

so i figure the yelling is over...>.> and i can eat my fucking toast in peace....this needless to say dose not happen...-.-

So now my oldest brother is yelling at me for standing up to the tantrum of Andy... i get told i need to grow up, he lovingly shoves in my face you already have a kid and another on the way and you need to grow up and be responsible...so says the 31 year old with no job...

I informed him that he is full of bullshit and in no better place than i am. then he informs me this whole, i pay mom 300 bucks a month every month....so i felt it upon myself to inform him that no you don't, there are even months when you are in school that you don't pay mom anything and don't even talk to her about it. So then he walks off like i am not even saying anything. so i take i upon myself to inform him see you can't even hear the truth with out running away from it just like andy. he flips around and informs me that if you want me to stand here an bitch this out i will! i am so done with this convo. so i walk off rolling my eyes. so he yells after me, and informs me that i need to stop going i am preggers i can't do anything. so my smart ass mouth pops off, yeah just like your fatass can't hold a job and go to school just like every other grown up, and you tell me i need to grow up. that's why i have a job....

so i called my mom...yes i do call my mom to rant so i can calm down and not kill anyone... this apparently means my mother is on my side and dose not tell me when i am wrong...>.> cause she has never told me that i am a dumbass for doing something...yeah that and ww2 never happened...

-sighs and munches on her now cold toast.-

wee so much fun bending rings and making product! Woot Woot!

I am ok mostly. If i worried anyone in my last journal, just understand i feel like i am in a pressure cooker. >.> but yeah... i am feeling better after getting it out, and making more product than i have been. i am halfway through the glow-n-dark bracelets, all the 7points are done, with their matching earrings. a third of the earrings are done. Happy happy place right now. though i already see a mistake i made in ordering rings...i should have doubled my order of black rings

Also on a side note i can't wait for some prime drama to explode....>.> lets just say someone says they are about 5-6 months preggers...and well>.>let just say i highly doubt it. <.< so yes...it should be rather amusing to me at least... for a little bit.

i have a friend who just lost some one very close to him, close enough my friend would not be where they are today, if not for this person

i have never felt so alone as i do here. i am left to myself most of the time. left to take care of me and ripley. So hearing that some one i care very much for is hurting and i cannot even comfort them frustrates the hell out of me.

as much as i enjoyed the fur meet, and hanging out with Shesta, and Candi. i cannot begin to express how i feel about where i am at. I fight with just getting out of the bed every morning. i fight making the product i need to make for this con i am going to be at.

i miss my mate so much. god i just want ot be able to touch his hand. i'd be freaking happy with that. i feel so isolated. so cut off from the life blood i need. Then i get slammed with the messages on my myspace from my friend, and read his blog, and lose myself. it became worse for me. All i want to do is hug them and tell them it will be ok. maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow, but it will be ok.

i kick myself more and more missing the last time i could have seen them. i should have gone anyway. -large sigh- you know i feel like i have done a lot...but then i look around and go well guess not. 1 bracelet for a days work...great...if i go at this rate i'll be ready for a-fest by x-mas....-.-

ugg, i just need people. I need social interaction, and not on computer screen of a phone call or fucking text message...i want people that i can touch and hang around and joke with.

i want my mom.
I want to be at home in dallas so i can see my mate, and he can see his daughter.
i am so scared right now, so lost and a lone. i just want to find my way home, back to where i eat right, and feel better, and leave the fucking house!

its almost like i can feel my soul dieing. the longer i am alone and lost. I tell my brother i am eating when i am not. i feel bad about it. but i am tired of the same food over and over and over and over again. i need variety. its better for your body and mind, and mental state. the last time i was preggers it was not this bad. I didn't feel depressed all the time. tired yes, but i got up at a decent hour. i did things. and took care of myself. but being here, and not being listened to on what i need to be healthy and happy, makes it worse. though hopefully soon i will be home, with my mom, on my ace+ land, in my own room, with my things. and i will eat better, see my mate more. i really think that's the only thing keeping me going is the idea of home... home is where your heart is. and it is in three places.

One part with my mom.
One part with my friend.
One part with my mate.

i keep checking to see when they will be in Dallas, my friend, so i can see them. and not worry about them so much.

ugg its great going from high of finishing the colony season 1 and loving it, to the depression of someone i love being in pain i can't fix...or comfort them on.

i think i am going to stop wallowing in my pity...and try to sleep some...i love you all. Please those of you from here in WF do not take it as i do not like you or i don't care about you...i just have very needy needs. i really do love you all. well the ones i have talked to and all. but i just need more right now...sorry.

I was rather anti social...>.> i was hot, i had had an migraine earlier that day, and not to mention i am preggers and in the early months i am either omg look a stranger, or omg stranger get the fuck away from me or i shall eat your soul!....i am sure i was in the middle. I did have fun goofing off with Candi and Shesta. It was very nice to meet Candi, and shesta you has a durty durty mind...but its ok our brain can move into the sewer together...and keep candi as a pet. -nods-

so i left early, i really was getting to hot and very shortly would have become a bitch to anyone...and ripley was getting cranky... so i figured before anyone got a bad taste of z in their muzzle i would leave. i Swear next time i will be a bit better with meeting people.

So onto art news
I am waiting on my mom to call me so i can place an order for Buzzyness cards, so i can has them for A-Fest. I took a break on chainmaile when my mom came down, so my hands are good to go! though i may draw today and just wait on my new shipment of rings.

i am currently not taking on Commissions unless they are small things i can do quickly. but i cannot show you progress on your items FYI. I have no camera, or scanner right now.

I am working my fuzzy tail off. so far out of steel i plan on having 30 earrings, 30 bracelets, 20 anklets, 4 tri points, and 4 earring and necklace sets.

As far as aluminum i will have pink, black, purple, blue, red, green. some will be glow in the dark, some wont..just depends on how much i can get done.

then i have artwork...-.- my lists grows and grows and grows...i may just offer commission only work at the con...>.> dunt know as of yet.

i also have a new Character in the works..she will be a sister of Skitzy but not of SJ or Z...>.> please do not ask on the family tree there...Tanga or her full name of Tangerine. She will be black, with orange and white spots..

i really need to sit down and work out Z, Skitzy, and SJ's Family tree...>.> that could be fun...

I do not think i will be able ot go to Bristol this year. As i just found out i am more than likely going to have a table for Anime Fest. So i have a month to finish off chain maile. speaking of which i just ordered more rings. some Colored aluminum, and some glow in the dark rubber rings! FTW! So taking a trip to up north is gonna have to wait till next year...so yeah..

As far as posting artwork i am gonna have to take pics of it with the digi cam...so expect crappy digital photos! YAY!

Also next week is the furmeet up here, meaning omg REAL PEOPLES! and my mom is going to it..>.> i dunt know if i should be scared or not...or like what ever...

so yeah of to the grind for me...yay..

---

so i am now tired and my palms have bruises....to much chain mailing today. i have all my earrings for the sets done, and working on getting blanks of the necklaces done. but i have to stop cause it hurts to freaking bad to go on...>.> and i still have to draw for A-fest...>.> omg to much crap to do...would have been nice to know like a month ago...>.> but oh well cram sessions are great! so i will have a few Originals to sell and be doing quickie commissions at the con...and taking on bigger commissions after con that will be shipped. so my days will be busy...tomorrow it is off to work on getting me an id...cause i need that...then to the Planed Preggerness clinic to see if i can get a bit of help with this preggerness.

So yesterday i informed my brother that i wanted a video. This video is like 25 bucks with shipping. and i get told its ridiculous...but my other brother can ask for 400 bucks and get it? WHAT THA FUCK?!

So i am seriously contemplating getting my part of my Grandpa's estate and going fuck you! I will get what i want, now kindly go fuck yourself with something hard and sandpapery! Then i will be going to Bristol with my mom and child and a friend or my mate...>.> with the rental car, flight, and hotel its like 1,066.74, then 60 bucks for tickets..prolly less i like to makes sure i have enough...i am ocd about that. so i want at least 3,000 of my money goramit! cause i want to eat and buy a few things...maybe a corset >.> though i prolly wont be wearing it cause i will be preggers...so i might not...wait till next year...-nods-

or a new pair of boots...or something i want...maybe a new mug....i have a mug thing..i love handmade mugs...i fall in love with these things so easy... its like omg new shiny! or maybe that's what i will buy...a shiny pretty thing...

Oh i might mention i have no scanner...>.> vury sad...v.v

so yes...i am a little ticked at the idea that 25 bucks is too much money to giving out...but 400 is like ok...-rolls eyes- people annoy me...

I woke up at 7:30am..all by myself this morning. Me and the Ripper are watching some tv together, while i ponder on cleaning up a bit for Shesta's visit....since the house is a bit of a mess...but what can you expect from the preggers, and an 11th month old? She makes a mess i clean up a bit and then get all tuckered out and take a nap for the next 4 hours...>.> its so much fun! >.> ok i am done for the morning...

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/1568586/

These two have really cute fursuits..and are having a contest! it ends tomarrow! so go see them! nOW!

 miharuokami  keryu

if you don't join in the contest atleast take a look at their stuff!

So we have the answer to most of my "moods", feeling sick...and grenral sleeping so late...

Well i am preggers...again...prolly a month into it...i am freaking out...my mate is relived to know no one in my family want to kill him...my mom is going..ok ok...not the greatest time...but ok...we can do this...john dose not care...andy i am not sure on and nathan....might hurt my mate...we are not sure...

so yeah...one more thing....after another and after another...but atleast Ripley is almost a year old.

so if you note me or im me...and i bite at you...its not you..its me...

and the baby dose not like chicken..-.-

So life really sucks right now...i wish the furrmeet was like next week...>.> so i could get out of the house and maybe meet people...atleast people who like or are interested in me...-.- i kinda feel like a single parent right now with out any support...

-sighs-

So no one is willing to help me pay my debt to someone on here...and i feel so freaking bad...since pay pal decied to freeze my account...

get this..at the libray here i went to log on to my pay pal...and it denied me access on the libray end. So pay pal freezes my account...and now will not talk to me cause i am not on the athorrized computer...the computer screen is dead on the laptop...so pay pal will not even deal with me...-.- its like omg...so i talked to my mom...yes yes i'll do it in a moment...i talked to my brother..well...you know....blah blah blah subject change...its freaking 12 bucks people! -.-

Did i mention i have no comp of my own? did i mention everyone that ask my brother for money is getting it, but when it comes down to a 500$ laptop its well we don't have the money right now...and you are going to have to wait...my other brother gose hey i need money, and he freaking gets it...he has no job....so he lives off everyone else...i am trying to have a job...its just not working well yet...since i am so stressed ot i can't eat, i am in tears half the time...did i mention lack of any sleep? i go on like 2-3 hours of sleep..walk the almost acre backyard to feed and water the dogs..clean my ass off. and take care of my 11 month old...then get told oh you have to fucking wait. i do his fucking laundry...cause he wont and bitch about not having any clothes...we need to be cooking at the house to save money...but no one will help me move the 30 gallon snake tank...or the huge box sitting before the oven and i can't lift or move either one by myself. i spent and hour fixing holes in the hall way so the 4 cats would not be in a 2x3 ft cage...the hallway was like 102 degrees...-.- so i am hot and tired...and i am trying to relax and cool off when my brother brings my kid to me...i am dripping in sweat...and half asleep and its like so you gonna take her or what... and i was like yeah why not..its not like i am trying to cool off for five seconds...

yes i do realise she is my kid, but he wasn't doing anything...nor dose he do anything...he could have held her for ten mins so i could atleast get something to drink and try and cool down.

uggg...i feel so just like i want to be back in dallas with my mom and closer to my mate...i can't see him either this weekend...which is so nice...-.- i really could have used his help...as long as his hand is better...my eldest brother sliced his hand open while he was helping move a tv...>.> and never did say sorry...<.< but anyway...

ok i think i am done..and ready to go clean some more...no not really want to...but its better than laying in bed four hours on end.

ok so i am waiting on my UPS shipment...and i think i want to just kill them...-.- would be so much simpler...

My package was put on the truck at 4am...why i have no clue...>.> but thats not the point...its 5pm now....i just called the center to see if i could find out if i was going to get my package today....

Teller: Hello i am (bleep) from UPS Center number (bleep), how can i help you?
Me: Yes, i need to see if i can find out when my package will be delivered.
Teller: Our deleviry hours are from 9am-7pm.
Me: um can you give me something more than what the Computer screen tells you?
Teller: Mam I don't understand your question
Me: ok, well is there anyway you can contact the diver with my package to find out whats going on? they normaly come down my street between 11am and 3pm.
Teller: We cannont contact our delevry personal.

I hung up after that...but WTF? i don't understand my question? GEEZASS! -head desk- i want to kill someone now...and i cannot leave the house...cause i don't need my dog eating a 50$ package....not to mention the potential vet bills...from the dog eating steel chain mail rings...-.-

i need a couple of shots....



So if finally came...and the dude was fixing to leave a notice saying he would try again tomarrow...because of the dogs in the front yard...because it took me 5 mims to get from one side of the house to the other and shuve shoes on...-.-