And I'm super happy about it! I'm playing my trade maven Peregrine, my (ex?) eco-terrorist Gloria, and my bird-of-pray Pioen... assuming I don't generate another two characters in the next month!

Seriously, how did I go two years without this >.< I know it was necessary but this just feels *so* good.

But we're riding along.

Debts getting paid down, job being held down.

Family is falling apart at the seams but trying to visit and make nice.

New house is nice. New lifestyle is nice.

We can do better.

I'm learning Arabic with a friend of mine, then it's *finally* on to Yiddish and I am so beyond excited.

Clear communication is essential in relationship success.

Seriously, kids.

In other news, I have more patterns for knitting!

I belong to a Pokemon-related Discord server and I just want to gripe about something.

Earlier this evening, I was in and out of conversation, when someone made a mistake and dropped the 'r'-word in self-deprecation. Regardless, I and several other people jumped on it with negative reaccs and admonishments, until one of the higher-role people came at us with "no politics". Not really understanding why, I asked what he was talking about.

He asserted that the word is apparently up for debate (it's not) and the idea that certain pundits were talking about it made it political. I came back at him with, "You might as well say Pokemon is political, then, 'cause video games being falsely correlated with violence shows up on the stump pretty frequently." It appeared to work, as he didn't respond for several minutes until the conversation shifted.

I followed up by asking in the suggestion channel for an explicit policy against hate speech for the server, but was rebuffed by a mod who told me to "follow the Discord community guidelines" and pointed me to a link. The link did say that servers can't be created for the specific purpose of hate speech and discrimination, but individual incidents appear to be left to the discretion of the server owner and their designees.

So several hours later, I was somewhat surprised and fairly annoyed by seeing "no politics" friendo not only chatting, but actively leading a discussion about COVID-19 and policies like mask mandates, immigration limits, and closing of borders in the original channel.

Apparently that's apolitical enough (being policies enacted by politicians) to be discussed, but simply denouncing hate speech is too much. No, it's more revealing what *kinds* of things make people uncomfortable to call out and have on the open floor. It's disheartening, aggravating, and since this server is the best source I have for information about this particular spinoff (my favorite incremental game to date and one of my longest-played), I really don't have anywhere else to go.

So, I will have to take small steps. Die Arbet halt.

So my roommates and I have both paper and digital copies of the Sentinels of the Multiverse card game. It's a lot of fun (plus I occasionally get to tell the story of having fought the creators of the comics in the LARP version last year.

My favorite character to play is Unity because of how much synergy she has within her own deck and occasionally with other players, like helping Ex-Patriette burn through a little extra ammo. This time, we had those two and Mister Fixer. We fought against Gloomweaver in the Tomb of Anubis. We beat him by sheer force - Champion Bot and three Raptor Bots do a lot of damage, especially when assisted by Swift and Stealth.

I highly recommend this game to fans of comic and/or cooperative games. It can feel very challenging and tense, even when you're doing well. It's good for many size groups. New players can play easier characters and be effective, experienced players can play complex ones for a challenge. Creatures of habit can snag their favorites over and over, or you can play as new heroes to really change the game. The villains also come with advanced mode rules to give you just a little extra difficulty if you need it.

Don't forget to read the comics, and of course, when it's back, check out the Live Action game!

Well, I've had a decently productive day today: laundry, full shift, some knitting... but the funniest thing about this is somehow in a chat with some friends from LARP, I was reminded of RENT and decided to listen to the soundtrack.

I didn't think I was going to miss it this much. Reminds me of high school, what better times there were.

I had a nightmare last night that was incredibly long and involved, even for mine. I don't remember exactly how it started (though I wrote out about 90% of it earlier), but the general gist was that I was somehow trapped in a dream by some kind of malevolent entity. It used all sorts of psychological torture on me, from taunting me about being trapped, insulting my intelligence, parading a sex scene that I couldn't participate in in front of me, to disrupting my attempts to wake myself up (which was a weird kind of inside-out third-eye deal).

But the one thing that it did that really stuck out to me was to say, in an incredibly condescending tone, something ending in, "blah blah adjective man." Something that would be pretty insulting in general, of course, but I ignored the rest in favor of screaming back, "I am *not* a man."

I know it's a little weird to say, but just the idea that I would be so strongly imprinted in my subconscious with that awareness is powerfully affirming, and I can't say I was totally disappointed by the loss of rest.

It's been a long time since I've had a real "normal" interaction with people. There's always an atmosphere of caution, even among people who've been tested for the virus. Among the general public, like at the grocery store, it's definitely panic inducing.

That's to say nothing of LARPing. We used to spend hours and hours indoors together, and LARP plague is one of the general horrors. I'm going to have to be much more cautious in the future, since my current home has some immunocompromised folks in it.

But I miss it. I miss live combat, I miss friends I can tackle-hug, I miss feeling like a demigoddess. Writing just doesn't seem to carry the same panache. I have to find a story that works for me.

And I miss travelling for games. It's not like I used to sightsee or anything, but connecting with people, existing outside of the US, I lived for moments of that.

Let's try to figure out what we really want this year, aye?

Hey.
So I've been inactive.
Maybe it's time to change that.

I'm glad there's a little bit of hope coming through tonight. I've presided over events with larger attendance than the voting margins of the election.

I've had a lot of energy today. A lot.

I'm now sharing a house with a few roommates, all of whom have really loose, flexible polycules. My main relationship is on hold while my girlfriend finds herself back in CT. I'm using this time to rediscover my relationship with sexuality and gender. I think I need it.

My LARPs are new, my writing is going to be different, and my outlook has changed. That year I spent trying to figure out forgiveness doesn't seem to be of much use.

But I'm back.

Today was overall pretty good, and ready to get better. Dinner at the Sichuan Pepper tonight with my girlfriend, and chat conversations with her and my mate made my night last night. Traded in the junky car for a new one; powder blue and topped off with some fun bells and whistles.

Started the day off with interviews which went fairly well. Then followed up on a project that is been working on: a job proposal to make me a manager in a department that would need to be built for me to run it.

I'm working on my next attempts at leading in Magic as well, with being able to create L2s and to lead teams. Should be fun. Trip to Brazil next month (hence the intro) and I'm planning on hitting Vegas and Singapore again... my top three anticipated events this year, in order.

This year's been tense but I've worked hard. I'm really pushing myself and others to get better. Hopefully, this year will be a little less insane and a little more stable.

Oh yeah, I also have a dysphoria appointment for June, as well. Looking forward to that.

I did a lot this year.

I made it to three foreign countries: Mexico, France, and Israel. (The Brazil trip got sabotaged.) I judged 11 international MTG events, and the world championships for Epic. I wrote two presentations on inclusivity, which were both well-received. I campaigned to get myself promoted to L3, and I'm geared to try again soon, as well as being re-certified to teach and may even get to do so in January. I also have trips to CA, PA, and Brazil planned for the new year.

But even with all that and more, there's some challenges. I'm still struggling to fit into the "regular" work week, and money won't just keep coming to me forever. I'm good at budgeting, but there are limit. My brain is messed up something fierce, and it's been hell trying to get help, body and mind. And that's without being able to reconcile the hollowness I still feel without the people I care about. This is, of course, to say nothing of the disastrous mire that's just emerged out of the already hazardous cesspool that had been the US political machine.

But I do have a new pet, and my lioness is always steadfast. I am resolved to plan and restructure, and continue until I have something that works. I have promising leads to local work and work overseas. I have support that doesn't envy me or supersede their insecurity over my ambition. And that network grows, both with new nodes and ones that are taking some time and emotional elbow grease to repair.

Things are scary, but I am surviving, with help. Where I find it.

But things haven't been great on that front.

While my mate is still there, and for all intents and purposes, likely will be, I still continue wanting others in my life. And to make matters worse, the kitten I was seeing for nearly the past year decided to break up with me over text while I was at LARP this weekend, which is kind of junky.

So I guess I'm still looking. If anyone knows better locations to meet people (websites and apps tend to be unfriendly to people like me) I'd like to know.

This is, of course, all in the wake of being tossed out, and thrust violently out into a highly isolating world. But persistence is key, am I right?

There's this repeating sequence of thoughts in my head; it goes like this:

Blehhhhhh I'm lonely and I want snuggles (or more, sometimes).

You need someone around in order to do that, and your primary is as far away as possible.

You had people you could snuggle with, but you left them.

Why the hell did I even do that?

Because the bad stuff outweighed the snuggles.

But I miss my mates! And snuggles!

Too bad. Maybe one of these days, things will change. Until then, find someone new.

But it takes so long to find someone new... and I'm lonely! I want snuggles!


...not like anyone's listening anyway.

So it's not really a secret that this one is transgender, non-binary, pansexual, and polyamorous by now.

I got two interviews accomplished today; a major conversation about my status in the program conducted; other job-stuff completed; did my laundry, some cooking, and the dishes; dealt with a migraine; and really did a lot... but in the wake of a number of things found and experienced by many of my friends today, I'm having trouble appreciating it.

A colleague of mine was harassed at a tournament, and the perpetrator lost his job because they found out, and he'd violated their code of conduct... but my friend is facing vitriol and backlash from many people over the internet.

I had literally just asserted, at GP Portland, that Magic events are some of the safest places for someone in (marginalized group X) to be, certainly for me as (any of the above), because it is, by DCI policy, a safe space. Further, as a Judge, I'm empowered to enforce that safe space, especially when I'm in the black (and I do, believe me), and if someone resists that enforcement, I have a team of roughly 60-80 people (the judge/event staff at a usual American GP) who will back me up almost unilaterally and generally without question, certainly not in front of the players.

The very next morning, I was painfully reminded how unsafe being transgender is, when I read the news of an Ohio woman being murdered in her home by her mother's ex-boyfriend because she was transgender. Returning to my home was already a frightening prospect enough.

Last Monday, I was thrown out of said home, and while being transgender wasn't the proximal cause, it certainly did contribute among the factors that lead to my needing to leave in a hurry.

And then my colleague, who was at the tournament as a player, not staff, had that happen. And being a decent human being, I feel for her. Being a fellow trans person, I'm scared for myself.

I'm personally okay with being visible; it's worth more to me to have people not using gender to refer to me than it is to remain closeted and "safe", I guess. I'd like people to be able to look at me and not think *anything*, rather than XX or XY. But not everyone is as comfortable, or as "brave", as a player at Portland put it.

Either way, I think it's time I purchased a few more gender-smashing clothing items and wore them to my next event. I do love wearing skirts; they're just impractical while judging because they don't typically have pockets. Also, I'm very slender and they fall off without a belt x.x

...to Brazil again tomorrow morning.

Quite frankly, if I'm able to get on that plane without freaking the fuck out, it'll be a bloody miracle. I should probably have some of my anxiety meds along with me.

I hate flying. I don't like heights, and I am *shamefully* vulnerable to the fearmongering in the news... Not that I let it inspire racism; rather, it just tends to induce paralytic fear - hate crimes against groups I belong to or care about make me want to hide. And the proliferation of hate and associated crime, especially in the last three weeks, has been particularly awful for me.

I find limited refuge in the things that used to keep me going; largely because there's always the dread of return when I'm done. Ambition is similarly limited... but I survive in order to realize it. Steps only happen when I'm not looking, it seems, though... so at best, I'm keeping my head down and staying focused.

...and at worst I stall out in a corner. But I'm working on that.

I will be making an appearance at GP NYC this May!

Still no conclusive word on PAX yet, but here's hoping!

It's that time again.

Phew... well, today was very much an up and down sort of day. I got two presents; money from my dad and from my grandparents, the former of which came with the condition that I never ask for money again... we'll see how long that lasts. My mother publicly dead-named me, as did my sister and cousin and former babysitter who happens to keep in touch with my family. Kind of a drag. Also, the in-person invite from the manager of GP Beijing was rescinded and in an uncouth manner after making me wait several weeks. Very disappointing.

On the plus side, I got hired to do several events in south NY and north NJ this upcoming fortnight, and GP Houston is tomorrow. I'm not thrilled about plane rides, but I'm looking forward to the event. And some internet friends and a DR colleague are coming to say hi, maybe.

Also, it's thunderstorming, so I'm happy about that.

Last year, I was feeling stuck, and I kind of am, still, but in a weird way. I have all these pieces that look like success, but I have no idea how to put them together, or to find the missing pieces or money-glue to make them stick. I mean, in the last year, I learned one and a half languages (I still wanna finish GP Paris before I say I've "learned" French for sure.), traveled to two new countries, one on an entirely new continent, and I have a third new country lined up (and an awesome one at that.) I got a car of my own (even if she's junky) and I had two really nice shots at expanding my pack... as well as continuing to grow stronger with and because of my lioness. I'm well on my way to being recertified for teaching all around the world, and soon enough, I'll even get promoted as a judge. I'm making things happen, even if the ground I'm navigating on feels like it's covered in ice with all random oil slicks everywhere.

I'm still a little shaken with how things turned out with the puppy... and I honestly miss others... I'm really not that good at letting people go. Things, I can handle, but I hate feeling like I've given up on people, so I never really let myself do it. If I could have things the way I really want them, I wouldn't have to give up on anyone.

Patience and persistence.

Third GP of 2016 is lined up: GP Paris!

I swear to light, I'mna face my fear of heights, too... if I get the chance.

It's weird how life throws all sorts of weird and/or shitty twists at you.

....de.

So GP Mexico City was everything I wanted out of it and more. I had a wonderful time with some of my best friends in the program, ate a bunch of tacos, and did a 7-language event, including a feature match table with 3 at once.

Houston is next month, of course, and I've now been invited to come back south by nearly all of the TOs and/or JMs from Latin and South America. I'm stoked.

I have yet to get accepted to an April GP... but I'm not so much worried anymore, at least on that front.

...just money. Always with the money issues.

And before I even get to Mexico, I find out my next trip! Looks like my birthday entry this year won't be from home after all!

I'll be in Houston that weekend, presiding over *another* Grand Prix! I'm so excited!

In other news, the lioness officially gave me sanction to play with new friends... She's brilliant and I'm so glad we found (and deserve) each other. We love making each other shine so much, it's just amazing.

Awoooo~!

(Also, it's nice to have a short break from depression. That shit suuuuuuuucks.)

I think I'm always going to want things that I can't or shouldn't have.

I think I'm never going to give up on the hope that everything can be fixed, or that people deserve more chances.

I don't know what could beat that out of me... but I'm pretty sure I don't want to meet it.






*sigh* idealism.

Something very.... significant has happened in my family, which has thrown my past relationships into sharp relief.

Primarily, the entire, and entirely learned, habit of telling people things as late as possible once the breakdown of trust has started to happen.

Seriously: I didn't come up with that idea on my own, and it ended up an ugly toxic chunk in relationships that have failed on me... Why would your experience be different?

Do any of us deserve another chance, at this point? Who knows, anymore. But I think about it. More often than I should, probably.

.....

In other news, getting recertified to teach.

Got accepted to GP Mexico City in January! I love these opportunities to earn "get out of winter free" cards.

Already looking forward to it... Going to try for PAXEast, as well, in March, and I have to figure out the major dilemma in May: Tokyo or NYC.

In other news: Still producing at 400%+ every day at work. Getting LARP and novel work done, too. And reading Lovecraft.

Mate's law degree is doing well; helped finish up a paper recently. Playmate's doing good too, although I don't know if she's steering us towards burnout. I just enjoy the company.

LARP games are all moving towards off-season. Not that I necessarily want to be out in the cold; I just don't like being away from therapy so long.

Gotta hit the doctor's office soon: eyes are being weirdly twitchy. Gonna see if Medicaid is actually worth the hype.

Still wishing that other things could have worked... it's weird to be without... certain things... that matter.

Cheers~

So, we kicked ass in Brazil.

We're applying to Mexico City next.

We're also learning French again, because why not, and have our sights set on Russian and Swahili in the next year.

We've got a new job, with twice the pay, twice the hours, and half the work of our previous employment... and we're putting up double the production goals that we're expected to achieve daily, while still having time to read Lovecraft and manga and study languages *and* crochet on the daily.

Ah.... overachieving. This is what we used to feel like, as a kid. Busy, happy, and with enough stuff to do that our brain isn't driving us mad.

Oh yeah! We also have our lovely mate and playmate to spend time with!

We can finally feel relentless and productive again!