https://www.furaffinity.net/view/44838207/ enter for a chance for a free pic from a great artist nwn

So I've been studying arts and such and I might take a major style change. I don't think I wanna draw in anime anymore just like I don't want the username RicTheUltimate02 anymore. So soon I'll be reuploading everything from my gallery including some oldies but goldies, onto furaffinity.net/user/RicUltima

Honestly guys, art and writing, it's been so rough for the past few years. I've actually watched some of my dreams die XD my dream of making this shonen series since I was 14 died when I lost my files and the dream of going to art school was kinda crushed too
But I can come back

I just have to work really, really hard
I know art isn't for everyone. And I'll be honest, with the way I've been slacking, it's not for me. But I gotta treat it like a responsibility now. It doesn't just come to me as naturally as it did when I didn't have to come home from work exhausted every night. But I can do it. I wanna get to the level where I've practiced enough that basic anatomy and techniques can become habitual and not something I have to put effort into remembering. This will be when I make my masterpiece.

I wanna leave this old username behind. This is the only account I haven't switched names for yet. And I think it's time for some change.

Now I have to move apartments in October, so this won't happen till late october/early november. But I want you guys to be aware

Sorry I've been inactive on fa

For about 2 months (march through april) I hit a really deep depression and I haven't been into the macro scene much. I'm better now, but I'm left with a gigantic submission feed of unseen artwork I'm gonna nuke them tonight because I don't really have the time to look through all 7021 of them

Instead I'm gonna pick some from my friends and favorite artists, and fave those instead

Thank you so much for understanding and I love the lot of yous~

I haven't done a journal in months, huh? XD

Well, this is to let everyone know that I bought two characters from  XXERIUSS

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/23179646/ BARU
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/23313596/ GAOS

 BartucTheBloody made both of these pieces so credit to him

I've never bought characters before so I'm not aware of how the art process goes~ Just give me a few days and I'll have my art reuploaded along with my macro monday art, if Bartuc grants me permission.

ALSO!!! MACRO MONDAY STREAM UPDATES
Macro streams every monday!! My lineart is improved so you might be seeing more colored pieces!! I want to try to complete one sketch and either one inking, one flat, or one shading, a week. This is my new art goal. I have a serious problem with time management and discipline and I'm at the point where I've been using one note and writing lists to try to get myself productive again. I also wanna quit facebook as much as I can. It's not really a community I want to be involved in anymore and yet it eats so much of my time.
PICARTO (MACRO MONDAY STREAMS) - http://www.Picarto.TV/RicUltima
TWITCH (TWITCH TUES/THURS STREAMS/MULTISTREAMS) - http://www.Twitch.Tv/RicUltima

Sorry I've been gone, computer broke and now it's fixed

I have a LOT of art to fave from you guys and not really a lot of time to do it so give me a day or two. Can't do it tonight cause I only have 6 hours inbetween my shifts tonight, but literally any other night would work better for it.

Thank you. you all have a wonderful rest of your night <3

I've been very busy with my irl car situation. I've been picking up twitch streaming as maybe an ability to pick up tips and to set up a second art program, yet at the same time I'm not sure if I'm allowed to stream smut on twitch even with 18+ turned on. >.<

Anyways hopefullly I'll be more active soon. I've been really missing doing my smut stuff and I'm sorry I havent. I had a macro dream today at least so maybe that'll put me in a macro mood >w< I drempt about being this macro god worshipped that could hop between dimensions x///3 <3

Also, I got promoted to produce! :D

Mother's day week and end of the quarter at work has been working me to death. I'm covering for like 3 different departments and I'm exhausted. I feel so upset and left out tbh

When I get my car I'm going to try to find a new job because I'm sick of having to work mornings and than evenings over and over again. I deserve better than retail, I did really, -really- fucking well in school.

For the past year or so I've been working 6 day workweeks saving for a car that I can never get because rent keeps jumping on me. So I guess this is my life now.

Sorry I'm too stupid to use twitter or help anyone that needs help. Sorry I'm too stupid to even socialize or make friends. I try so hard but the more and more dead inside I feel the more autistic and mentally retarded I feel, and the more I want to bag my head in shame, like, it's not an emo thing but I hate myself so fucking much. I'm living cringe. And I don't want my family to see me, I don't want my friends to see me, I don't even want to see myself because I'm a fucking wreck, and I contemplated suicide tonight because of it.

A lot of people think I'm depressed because of Trump being elected and even though I'm political I really don't care about that as much as I care about how it's effecting my friends and how I can do absolutely fucking NOTHING to comfort them. And honestly I'm even questioning if I have close friends at all, and yes, I do push people away, but because I want someone that truly understands how I feel instead of just wanting to do furry cuddle shit. I miss my girlfriend and I miss my best friends that are offline right now. But at the same time I don't want them to see me like this. But at the same time I'm writing this journal because I need help, I punched myself in the knee trying to fuck it up again after straining it because I don't want to work tomorrow, I whipped myself in the back with a jumper hook because I don't want to cut and make a big medical deal out of things. And I know that makes me a pussy, and that's exactly what I am.

I just

Want to die so much

I'm 20 years old, I SHOULDN'T STILL BE FUCKING THINKING LIKE THIS
KILL ME FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT END

If you do not have my skype it's Ric-Ultima, and my steam is http://steamcommunity.com/id/RicUltima/

Please add me as I am always trying to bond with my watchers

This is a lengthy journal, it's not looking for pity, prayers maybe, but it's mostly just an update.

Someone close has been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and I had to fly back to Illinois where I visited my hometown and hopped from family member to family member, and eventually spent time with that family member.

The trip sucked. I lost all but one of my 3DS games during the trip. Family drama ruined the whole thing. And I got incredibly blueballed so there was that. But what was possibly what uh, got me down in a depression again was seeing my her for what could be the last time ever. I love living here in Tucson, and I love the friends I am making. And I am excited for my future here now more than ever, because I did not enjoy going back north. I did enjoy my first flight ever, where I ascended into the air and it felt like I was a literal kaiju, growing through the air. That was invigurating. But now I'm a week behind on FA, I'm going to be missing a whole week's pay which will put me back $200, and I may have to earn some friends back just because of how miserable I was on the trip that it made me not myself.

Anyways, I'm back now. And I have 5 hours to go through 5 days of porn. Help

 darknessyin and  snippythedeliveryfox both surprised me with very amazing gift arts that I really, really could ever have imagined I was getting a couple of days ago. I can't thank those guys enough for the art, but even more so I can't than these guys, and all of you guys, enough, for supporting me up to my 20th birthday, you guys are the absolute best! I really can't find any more words to describe it!

I'm serious, I NEEDED to have you guys, I NEEDED to be a furry. You guys have made this day the absolute best, on a day I had to work. And you guys have seriously, found so many ways to lift me up when I'm upset, my self confidence is just, at a whole new level now! And after all of that, you gave me realistic advice as well, and support, and well, pretty much parented me sometimes so I could actually pick up my feet, take action, and not fear the consequences. If I hadn't have done that, I wouldn't have had the confidence boost I have now. If II didn't have hte art community, I would have easily pushed too hard and in the wrong directions, that I would have even given up on it as a hobby. No, in reality, my soul searching is nearly over, and for the first time in years, possibly in a decade or so, I feel like I'm comfortable in my skin, and I feel like I know what that skin even is for once.

I want to say, thank you for making my 20th birthday so great, and thank you all for being there for me. I hope one day I can return the favor and make you all proud <3

https://youtu.be/C7T2_gaVgak
THE HYPE TRAIN IS BACK
THERE'S FUCKING TURNTABLES!!!!!

As you can tell, I get in these, depressive fits, a lot, and well
It's not like I'm always upset, but every journal is gonna be upset because the times I need help seems to be the only times I ever post.

Anyways, the pount of this journal is to say I can see myself becoming shyer. A lot of my favorite artists aren't uploading on FA anymore and I can see that now. I feel so, uninvolved with this whole fandom. Yet it seems to be my only hobby anymore. I don't want to pick up my pen and draw ever because I know it's never going to compare, it's going to make myself seem that much uglier and unpleasant because of the way I draw... I just, I don't know... I feel like a lurker and it's a horrible thing to feel. I think the only way I can really feel, supportive, or thankful, for this community, is to start buying comissions or donating. But I really, really don't have the money for it. Right when I wanted to, they started cutting my hours and... I have driving lessons and car stuff to pay for and I can't even imagine how I would ever go to school. Adulthood sucks dick. (But it's not like I could have bought comissions as a kid, so there's that.) I wanna support you guys so much... You don't know how much you've pulled me up, my best friends are in this fandom, if it weren't for a friend in particular I would probably have given up on art.

Don't mind me, I suppose

Depression had me for awhile. It still kind of has me. I've been overwhelmed with work so it's just made me set it aside for awhile, which probably isn't very good for me.

My cintiq got a short in it right when I was making my ref sheet. I finally had inspiration and life kind of threw it on the ground.

Figures I get crosstrained at work, too. I've worked 6 days this week and I have a double shift coming up, and it could be another 6 day work week.

The good news is I can afford the $50 to get this short replaced, but the bad news is I'm not sure if htis is gonna motherfucking fix it...

More bad news is I've been ignoring my friends. I've been disoriented this whole work week. And the depression doesn't help me come out of my shell. You have to forgive me, life is this thing you can't peek at, if you do you'll get overwhelmed. It's a tightrope...

I'm hoping work doesn't consume me. My ADD makes it hard for me to keep my real soul when overwhelmed. I forget who I am, I have to be reminded why I'm in this fandom, what my overall plan really is. Because I forget a lot.

Anyways I'll be more active soon. Going to get more drawings for you guys. Maybe start a new tumblr.

Whatever works.

something is against me

I do not do inflation/fat rp. And I certainly do not roleplay with 15 year olds.

Someone told me to add this person so I could calm her down. I'm a geniunely nice person so I'm willing to do it.
Okay, well, if you're going to get pissy if I can't yiff with you than that's your fault. Sexual activity without consent, let alone sexual activity under the age of consent, are both illegal. Cry me a river.

I'm starting to become a bit more conerned about my physical and mental health. People are noticing I'm not the same, I have a lot more anxiety ever since I started this job and I talk way too fast. Yet, I'm too shy to start conversations on my own. It almost sounds like I'm nervous and pushing people away.
I feel like I've been working more than I've been alive and it's really scaaring me because it's pushing me away from this fandom hard. And I'im holding on as tight as I can but with that depressing stream I've had last week and just... Knowing I can't do art why do I try and why do I do anything?
I'm not eating right and I'm getting 5 hours a sleep a night. I'm exhausted and I'm not ready for work. I'm really fucking scared guys, I'm losing control. It's affecting who I am as a person, and I don't like that, because all I've wanted to be is as transparent as possible and life is working to exhaust me to depression and incompetence and to the point of just... Wanting to go away somehow.

My stepdad's going to work fucking evenings again (he works at home) so the whole streaming thing's gonna be a bust again after awhile and I'm going to pretend that I don't exist for 9 hours.
I can't do this anymore. I'm already drifting away from a social life so hard at this point. I forgot what I even looked for from a friend. And now I feel like a judgemental asshole that can't have friends around my parents because they're ALWAYS FUCKING BUSY mostly but it's just not fucking possible, okay?

Can I do anything?

Not relevant yet, just alive.
There's gonna be some changes.

I'm starting to get a habit for this new job and I'm gonna start drawing now that I have this amazing Cintiq tablet. I'm gonna do art streams, with voice, from now on, when my mom's bf is off of work
But I'm swamped in work. I really am... Fourth 6 day week in a row.
[HELPME]

Wish I could do something for it. Alas I have work, and I am still waiting for a good, beautiful CintiQ 13HD listing on Ebay. But one day, I'm going to art so hard you wouldn't believe it :3

I've been kind of dead after literally just saying I got over writing art block and youtube block and such, so what am I doing with my time.
I've been working a lot for the past couple of weeks for valentine's day, I'm not a big money fan because there's never anything I really want that money can buy, at least not immediately. My dreams such as getting a house away from my parents and getting a college education need time as well as money. And my dream of my stepdad working at the goddamn center instead of working at home literally forver is kind of pissing me off because he's on the phone all the fucking time and I feel like I couldn't remember what the sound of my own voice was like if I didn't have work to constantly remind me how socially awkward I am.

But what money can buy me is a CintiQ tablet, and that's what I'm saving up for, and that's why I've been so eager and silent online without complaint. Sure, I'm lonely, but mostly for now I'm focused on saving money. If I'm right, this will save me from the art block I've had ever since I had my small intuos tablet, of having my lines distorted. What the deciding factor was was finding out that my small intuos tablet was incompatible with my huge HD monitor (and I'm not bragging about my monitor right now, it's huge, bulky, and its resolution is very odd.)

Not only would the display on a cintiQ fix the line distortion issue I have but it will also free my primary monitor for things like spotify and chat and such. So if you think upgrading to a bigger intuos tablet is better, A.) I don't care about tablet size as long as resolution sticks, and B.) I needed a second monitor anyways. Now I can play my fullscreen games for example. This could be the start of many art streams, comics, and porns. >w> My artistic inspiration is finally back and its pushing against my soul. And I'm tired of moping that I'll never make the transition to didgital art, I can do it!

Depressed. Had all the inspiration to draw something Percy for you guys on Valentine's. Have a busy day of work ahead, work emergencies blocked be from doing anything for this week. It's going to hurt...
Love you guys, miss you

That was the longest thing I've ever written! @.@
Expect some more art from me, aside from my job, art just moved up to first priority in my lif

Patched a plothole in the rought draft of WolfPack. One more chapter to rewrite and the rest should be copy, paste, ctrl f and replace. Then, you guys will get to read the first volume of what could be a really cool series.