Wow, so I've been away a while. Last post was November? And things have changed quite monumentally since then. Back then I was going to local meets and had two furry cons under my belt. I had spent a couple weekends hanging with furries in a non-convention capacity. And holy shit, what have I done?

Let's enumerate:

1. Commissioned a fursuit

2. Came across a furry boyfriend

3. Got a taste of performance

4. Somehow became a content-creator


That last one shouldn't sound so impressive. I just became a photographer.

That all took off at MFF. I was handler for Arcturus Chusky. Learned a fair bit about handling at the Purdue University Homecoming game too. Lots of chasing suiters there. MFF was a lot of challenging lighting. I took a lot of bad photos. Learned a lot too. Talked to veteran photographer (@cheetahobscura) got some tips. Got to put them into effect at FurSquared.

It's fun. I'm not as passionate about it as some others. Because trial and error taught me my motivation for why I take photos. I started out taking them for my suiting friends to immortalize how much fun they were having and to show them how cute they looked doing it. And that's about it. Why I almost only take pictures of suiters I know. To so a favor for a friend. Some people do it because they love fursuits.

I mean, fursuits are okay. I don't really ascribe them any more attention than I would any other elaborate costume, but what they let you do? They turn everyman into a performer. And that's not a chance that a lot of us are afforded ever. It's pretty damn magical. Yeah, and I'm definitely sticking around the fandom. Mostly because of point #3. You see...


*To be continued...*

Where are you staying?
Hilton

What day are you getting there/how long are you staying?
Wednesday around midnight! Staying until Monday or Tuesday. Whenever the party ends.

Who will you be rooming with?
Some friends of friends that I haven't met yet.

Who will you hang out with during the convention?
All my Iowa & Chicago peeps and I hope I get to meet their friends, too.

How can I find you?
Twitter will be best. I plan to tweet regularly

Are there any panels you might be attending?
Planning on some but what I plan and what happens at cons hasn't ever exactly been similar.

Are you attending any stage or public performances?
Attending Pepper and FoxAmoore's concert. Variety show too, I'm pretty sure.

Will you be suiting?
I don't have a suit.

Are you taking commissions or trades?
I'm not artistic like that. I just take photos and talk to people

How old are you?
26

How tall are you?
5'6"

Can I talk to you?
If you see an Asian guy with a camera, yes. please talk to them.

Can I touch you?
Sure, but say something first

Can I visit your room?
Possibly. Don't know how much I'll be in there considering it's across the street. I don't even know where I'll keep all my booze

Can I buy you drinks?
Can I buy *you* drinks?

Are you nice?
Yes, though probably will be a bit shy. This is my first MFF and I haven't been around the fandom that long.

Where will you be most of the time during the days?
I don't even know yet. Possibly other people's rooms

What/where will you be eating?
Gonna play this one by ear and keep an eye on twitter

Can I come with you for food/fun etc?
Talk to me first.

What’s your goal(s) for the con this year?
Meet people. make new friends, take photos. make memories.

I continue to be amazed by how quickly furries go from “Hi :3 want to chat?” to “*snugs*” in a single conversation. I'm not complaining. I'm not a prude or anything. <.< >.> Furry is abnormally affectionate as far as fandoms go. What could be so innocent as a big fluffy animal person? Yeah... it has a pretty noticeable sexual side and I'm totally onboard with that. Hell, it was a big part in why I joined.

So yeah. I've got a little more RP under my belt. And I got a little more feedback on what I'm doing that's good and I'm a little faster at thinking on my feet (back, knees, a sling that one time?) while in the moment. And there are some I found who share kinks and that's awesome. And I want to do that more and I guess that's how people discover their kinks? I dunno. There might be some of mine out there that I haven't fully discovered yet. I have a short list of keywords I do like. But I still keep referring to myself as the most vanilla furry I know.

Because the fandom is where exists some of the most obscure and super specific and not-ever-something-you-would-run-into-in-normal-life fetishes. I've personally met furs who like micro/macro, inflation, goo-furries, gender swap, hypnosis, rubberfurs, leatherpups and, uh... antlers.

And here's me with my “I like TF” t-shirt. Well, so does like everybody else. TF is actually super common.

And BDSM. Super common in the normal gay community (*chuckles* “normal” gay community) as well, but I'm.. totally neutral when it comes to that. I don't see myself swinging dominant or submissive at all. It makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me... Or if I have yet to meet someone that really “converts” me into liking a certain kink of theirs like I've heard happens with couples sometimes.

I wonder if things are like this in other fandoms. These niche fetishes. Because my current theory is that since so much of furry is expressed via RP or fantasy or art, etc that these kinks are more easily discovered by fans these weird super-specific predilections programmed into their brains waiting to be unlocked. Because I'm pretty sure the goo fetish is unlikely to be discovered by someone just going through their everyday life and consuming the normal mainstream pop culture. And of course, furry being the welcoming community it is, people find tolerance of their kinks (to an extent) no matter how weird. And then they're there to stay.

Like I am.

:3

^I've started using more emoticons lately!

http://knotcast.tumblr.com/post/129.....94-fennec-ears


Yes, that's my letter they're reading in Knotcast (at 1:23:50). My first I've written to them and in all probability not my last. Summarizing IFC and read by the great Savrin AKA Mr. Sexy Fennec Voice. Although sorry, Sav, you don't hold the title of sexiest podcaster voice in my book. That distinction belongs to another famous furry podcaster...

I left off with GenCon stories. August was a whirlwind for me. Two four day weekends; meaning to get my 40-hour week, I needed to work heavy shifts consecutive days and that left me no time to postcon blog. I thought my September would be more relaxing, but work has decided shorter, more frequent shifts were called for. So I have to do more driving now to work the same amount of hours. *huff* That IFC con report letter was written over the course of several days. and i left so much out. (SO MUCH. You have no idea. And you never will. (Unless you meet me in person and I can tell the stories to you then. Can't here. Internet is forever.))

Furry Migration was even more fun and even more new things and new people, but again, you just had to be there.

I've also lost more time just spent chatting online with friends I met at cons. No other options as everyone is long distance. This is the new normal I guess. I can never seem to chat with as many as I would like. Can never see to type fast enough. Especially on my phone.

And I dislike chatting online in general. Would much rather hold a conversation. Preferably over beers or hot cocoa in someone's private residence or hotel room (so we can talk candidly and without self-censoring). In public, people aren't necessarily themselves. I got to know people most extensively, most quickly over a game of Circle of Death (the drinking game) during Furry Migration. That was an awesome marathon game. Good folks, those guys.

If I had my way, MFF would be just like Furry Migration except longer. I am.. super excited and super anxious because this con is going to be ​huge.​ And the small groups which I have befriended -and I am most comfortable around small groups because I'm not actually an extrovert- are going to be either impossible to find, or hanging out with their other friends who I don't know or both.

But that's me being insecure and overthinking it. I'm told I do that too much. I'm pretty sure I'll need a trip to the hotel bar to fix that.

See you there. :)

Now "Roweland" is this furry guy I play out at furmeets and at bowling. He initiates introductions to people, he hugs, and he likes to meet new people. He's a positive change from the me that went to college in Indiana. And I find more and more opportunities to embody him now that I'm getting out more and being more social. He is the next step I'm taking in transforming who I am.

But apparently, just like college me, Roweland can get really, really starstruck. Like full out tachycardic, speaking way too quickly, flop sweat.

So I food coma-walk back to the convention center, and take a swig of Five-hour Energy that I have stashed in my pocket to try and fight it. It may have worked too well, because I started to get jumpy as I head to the booth at the far end of the vendor room where Kyell Gold was representing the table for Room Party, the (semi-furry) card game.

And I barely could get my words out to Kyell after I shook his hand. If I recall correctly, I explained that I just came out of the furry closet, thank you for Waterways, wish I found it 10 years sooner, wish I had brought my books with me, asked how they became involved with the Room Party game, bought a set (with Fur-con expansion pack), talked about the furry fandom and its encouragement of creative expression whether it be drawing, writing, DJing, singing, fursuit making, etc, and how the acceptance leads furs to change in positive ways.
I don't recall taking a breath during all this. I'm sure I was falling back on my nervous habit of licking my lips a lot during this conversation. Who knows what other nervous habits were resurfacing. I knew I'd revert back to my old self's tradition awkwarding up the moment eventually. And sure enough, I'm soon horrified to see, in slow motion, of course, a shred of steak fly out of my mouth and land on Kyell's shirt.

O.O

I apologized for wasting his time, then I asked him for his consent to be in a Vine video I shot. I tweeted it. It was kind of dumb.

I left him alone after that. I went off, leaned against a wall, calmed down and rejoined my non-furry friend group like nothing had happened. Like I hadn't just spit on one of my favorite furry authors.

Note: This took this long to finish and post because apparently there's a lot of stuff to do at cons to distract me from blogging.

Well, today was really interesting.

I had stuck by my friend group for the first day, tailing them as they meandered around the vendor floor. Getting a feel for the culture, the behavior and what there is to do in a vendor room. Today, I struck off on my own for the first time. Went to a Gaymer panel, (my friend, a good guy, but he opted not to accompany me. Oh, well). I may be gay, but I'm not a gaymer, and this seminar was heavily skewed towards tabletop. So parts of the discussion went right over my head. Still, I showed up because you are not often able to have frank LGBT group discussions.
The panel skewed heavily older as well, which considering the tabletop majority, shouldn't be surprising. (I guess I expected there to be more of a video game presence than there actually is. Also, older seems to fit the demographics of GenCon.) There were some other youth there (early to mid twenties, I would say), but they appeared to be alone. I didn't talk to any of them. I probably should have. But I didn't want anyone to find out I was an imposter who didn't even have a DnD character.

Right after that, I met up with my friends again for lunch. We went to a real nice Brazilian barbeque. The kind where they serve you meat on swords until you beg for mercy. You may remember all those meatpics from my Twitter, well, that was Fogo de Chao. Or I think that was the name. I was pretty meat-intoxicated at that point. By the time our checks came, I was in a state somewhere twixt food coma and post-booze nap. Thank Fox we had to walk back to convention center.

There was one booth I was meaning to hit since I got there, since I had learned soon after I arrived into town. Because Kyell Gold was there.

So, by now I've finished my first day at a convention. And it was kind of surreal. Never before had I been around people so openly passionate about their fandom. And what a selection of fandoms to choose from. LARP, Steampunk, anime, board games, card games, models, minatures, holy hell.

A feeling which I'm fairly sure also is represented at furry cons. Where creative self-expression is the norm more than the exception.

Not knowing anything about MTG, LOL, DnD, HON, etc, I did have to sit through a lot of conversations as they whooshed over my head. But I did get a chance to learn to trial a new tabletop game (and nobody else there knew how to play, so it was an evener playing field because I'm pretty terrible at tabeltop). And I got to people watch at a con. Infinitely entertaining, that.

I also met a potential furry. A proto-furry, perhaps? Let me explain. I only know one other person here. "Neal" who I went to high school with invited me to share his room when I mentioned my interest in cons. I don't know any of his other friends there. But one, "Steve" has been known in past cons to dress in a $30 plastic giraffe outfit at cons because....

Well, I asked him why. And he kind of gave an evasive answer. He originally was asked to wear it for a work function. That doesn't explain why he kept it nor why he actually replaced it when it started to wear out. Nor why he continued to wear it at cons. (He's apparently been a fixture at the last few GenCons.) The best reasoning he could give me was that it "was a crowd-pleaser". Well,well, well, Mr. Normie, you just tapped into the drive to perform that exists in all fursuiters.

Look for him at the con. I might be somewhere close by.

Any other furs here? I'm here with a friend's friends. I'm not out to them but I wouldn't mind doing so if it came to it. Look for the group with a fat guy in a giraffe costume. I'll be the dark-haired guy near him.

When I first got on Furaffinity, shy, introverted Roweland was a little mystified by the preponderance of Skype names freely advertised to the public. I could understand loving to chat, but who could hold a conversation with a total stranger?

I hadn't ever really jumped on the chat train whether it be IRC or what-have-you. I was too intimidated to jump into conversation with people who seemed to be really well-acquainted with each other. I've since come around and become less shy. Still an introvert, I guess, but I can play an extrovert in public. Hell, I have played an extrovert in public. Everyone who I've introduced myself to at meets as Roweland is meeting a personality who hasn't existed for terribly long. But the best advice I've heard in recent years to become less shy? Fake it til you make it. That is to say, if you act like an extrovert long enough, eventually even you'll begin to believe it. It's worked for me since the latter years of college. But that's real life and this is the internet we're talking about here. It's a bit more intimidating, yeah?

I was emboldened slightly by a fellow mathlete from high school who admitted he found his current girlfriend through a random omegle conversation. And if an overdramatic Korean poet can do it, why can't I?

So I ended up making a furry Skype account (due to my pre-existing account being my real name) upon invitation by one of the guys I met at LAFFBall.

Then came the bots.

I didn't have this problem the first time I jumped on Skype back in college. But after a one-sided conversation with a camgirl who doesn't take "I'm gay!" for an answer, I realize I should be putting anon contact requests through a Turing test. (I gotta admit, I didn't think the machines would take over by way of horny, attention-seeking, female teases on the internet, but now I think that scenario is more likely than any other.)

So just as in the real world, I'm putting myself out there. Faking it, but that's hardly new. So send a contact request, but be ready to prove you're a human. Er... Well, you know what I mean.


Skype: rowelandfox

I've been reading some of the free furry webcomics online. I thought I'd gather some of the ones I couldn't put down (metaphorically). There are a surprising bunch out there, spanning a bunch of different genres. Action, sci-fi, fantasy, etc. I tend to not surprisingly lean towards the gay, romance oriented ones. And I thought to share my recommendations with you. Probably the first of many since I always keep my eyes open for new ones. Hell, I found a good one in the course of writing this post.

Circles

Free preview PDF : http://circles.rabbitvalley.com/PDF/circles0.pdf

Gay, romance, coming out, OMG the tears

Can't be read online and is available in digital and print form from Rabbit Valley. Art by the very well-known, but sadly sporadically active K-9. Has been called "furry RENT" in the way it follows a group of LGBT Boston furs over the course of a few years. It had a turbulent run due to how busy the creators were. The first issue came out in 2001 and the issue 8 took until 2009. There was more of the story to tell, but K-9 had moved and started a new career and couldn't commit. Rather than getting a new artists (because if you've seen K-9 art, you'd realize he has no equal. Those characters are his style and no one else's), the authors simply novelized the last five issues and published that in 2014. K-9 contributed a couple of images, but the spirit of the characters was there through and through. And Lion Christ, the tears!

Carpe Diem

http://cdcomic.com/

Gay romance, muscles, straight

This comic is unique in that, while the writer (a very well-known Graveyard Greg) remains consistent, the artists change every couple dozen pages or so. Some are better than others. But it's the story that keep you coming back. Gay romance and drama. (One straight character.) And big muscley giraffe dudes. Graveyard Greg also does "Profiles" <http://profilescomic.com/>; which would be the spiritual successor except that both series are still ongoing. Be warned however, months may elapse between updates.

Fur-Piled

http://www.liondogworks.com/fur-piled.html

Gay, Lesbian, romance, straight, homophobia

I forgot how I stumbled on this comic, but I'm glad I did. It seemed a bit amateur at first, but this is one of those cases where the characters are compelling enough where I looked past the art. (Beyond the Western Deep has spoiled me.) The characters are well-developed, consistently drawn well and change as the narrative moves forward. It does have a conclusion and, one page that, oh my God, I teared up so much when I got there. (I'll let you find it on your own.)

Beyond the Western Deep

http://www.westerndeep.net/

Non-romantic, medieval, fantasy, swords/shields, action

This has been going on for a few years now. Think a graphic novel in the vein of Redwall but with more adult faction vs faction vs faction themes. In a change from the usual, this one is fully inked and colored. It would be a fantastic comic publication, except that the creators chose to post one page at a time once a week. It's absolutely beautiful and the writing is deeply developed and refined. What really sets it apart is all the "director's commentary" that is published with each post. It gives a fantastic glimpse into the thought processes that go into the composition of every page of a high-quality graphic novel as well as world-building, character design, wardrobe design, pacing, cinematography, etc.

I need more art in my life. I haven't drawn anything since the required art class freshman year of high school. And I didn't draw anything I really wanted to. (No anthros. Although I'm not sure I would have wanted to at that point.) And I've never really felt the urge to write creatively. The closest I get is blogging. I've been a steady blogger since 10th grade. Well, I did taper off during college, but I've been trying to pick up again lately. It's a humor blog and people have seemed to enjoy it.

And now I get the chance at a furry blog. Where I am (almost) completely anonymous and people don't have preconceived notions of me. (Well, except for being a fox. And all that stuff you can glean off my furry twitter. And my faves. And the artists I watch.) But at least I get to be up front about parts of my life. No need to worry about offending Facebook friends or endangering my personal life. (One of my college professors follows me on my non-furry Twitter. I don't know how many other students she follows but by now she should have realized how many fart jokes I tweet.)

I partially feel like a sell-out, too, you know? I gave up art and passion for the science and the career. (Not that there's anything wrong with science, but I didn't really balance it out with creative pursuits in college.) And this career leaves me more bitter and tired than not at the end of the day. But hey, I's gets paid.

So how can I add art to the universe? I guess all I can do is commission artists. And come up with cute ideas to draw.

Oh, and RP. I've only done it a couple of times. but I'm pretty proud of what I have written. I think I could get pretty good at it with some more practice. And it's, uh... well, hot. Maybe I'll end up posting one of those one of these days. If I can get the consent of all parties. And if I even get the chance again. It's been... a couple of weeks. And those few times were one-off things. (I was pretty drunk for one of those.) Where... exactly is a fur supposed to go for that kind of stuff? IRC probably not the best place, eh?

Later, furs. I'm off to Google to figure what the hell "Tapestries" is (or was?)

I got more art in my gallery lately. Which makes me happy. I've spend literally years "mooching" I guess, off of other people art and contributions. Now I get to give something back. I get to add art to the world. (Even though it's other artists' work, yes. But I try to come up with unique ideas to commission.)

And I'm going to keep "blogging" through these journals. I know not a lot of FA users do. But I can't really create much else creatively. (I can do some photoshop and video editing, but have almost zero aesthetic sensibilities.) Besides these posts are more for myself than anybody. Sometimes, when you don't have somebody close (either geographically or emotionally), writing about your day-to-day tribulations is therapeutic. It's talking about problems, and verbalizing them, even to an empty room (or all of FA) is much preferred to keeping them bottled up in my head. You gain a different perspective and new insight by putting stuff down on a page. I highly encourage it.

And what about my privacy? Well, you don't know who I am. You can stalk me pretty easy and find out a bunch of stuff about me. But this is the furry fandom, ain't it? No judgment and all that. And I intentionally haven't divulged anything I'm not comfortable sharing with someone I would talk to in person or that my friends don't already know. And I wouldn't be here if I were afraid of being blackmailed. (Furry pride and all that. Be true to yourself.) This is me embracing who I am.

Closets are for clothes... and, possibly, fursuits.

So go ahead and read my journals. (Feel free to comment.) I'll keep writing them to deal with things. And you getting to know me better will be a happy accident.

This is going up real late, I know. Hanging with friends and work since then.

While my first furmeet was just a local, no-suits, drinks and burgers affair, this was kind of a big next step for me. LAFF (Lake Area Furry Friends) covers a huge catchment area of furries from all around the Great Lakes area. Also this was softball. I haven't played softball since Physical Education class in school.

But... fuck it. Why not?

So I drive up to my friends place in Ravenswood on Friday night and make my way over to the field. Had to stalk Twitter and walk around a bunch to find the field though because the handful of furries attending were dressed as civilians. I did find them, asked a guy what group this was and sat down on the bench. And I started introducing myself and holding out my hand to shake.

That was kind of a big thing for me. Old me never would have done that. In any context. And I did it again and again. To pretty much whoever was standing in line to bat. (And I was secretly writing down names, because I'm terrible with faces and names. Especially when everyone has furry versions of each.)

And then it was my turn to bat. Because someone swapped out. And holy shit. I'm swinging, I'm swinging, I'm out. Phew. Baby steps, baby steps.

I did eventually end up scoring a run. And following a bunch of furs on Twitter. And hugging a bunch of random sweaty dudes. So yeah.

Then there was bowling that night. And I was for the first time, in the same room as a fursuit. I'll admit I was at first a little uncomfortable. Not sure why. The anonymity? The uncanny valley? Internalized furryphobia? I've always been unaligned in regards to fursuits. But now? I'm much more comfortable around them. In fact, intensely curious. I'm not going to commission one tomorrow, but now I wouldn't say I'd *never* get one.

Started out just observing, then chatting with a couple of fursuiters. Had to get pretty close to hear each other. And that helped with the anxiety. It was probably the hugs that sold me. I ended up getting more hugs in that day than I did when my Grandma died.

So yeah. That was a success. I didn't make an idiot of myself. I didn''t sit alone in a corner. I made friends. Success.

This was a few weeks ago now, but I've been too busy to update. (Too quickly, my furry blog updates are going the way of my regular blog's updates.) It was to me a resounding success. We met at a pub in the local metropolitan area (that college town I mentioned earlier) for beers in a local pub.

I was a little nervous at first because they were all older than me by [2,...,12] years, but I actually think that may be a positive thing. I guess my mental age may be a little older than my chronological age because we hit it off anyway conversation wise. I joked, they laughed. Vice Versa. Coming off of college, I'm not used to having friends of varying ages. But the upsides of having more mature friends is obvious. Everyone's on their own two feet and established. No creepy red badges or freeloading teenagers.

There was a moment halfway through that just floored me, too. When some NSFW kink topics came up, I said, "Dude... Rule #2."

"Actually, that's Rule #4." said another fur, correcting me.

WOW. A Knotcast reference. Yeah, it's a popular (popufur?) podcast, but so much of my furry experience has been marked with isolation that this just had me mouth agape for several seconds. For context, my history has always been the guy who dropped inside jokes and pop culture references without missing a beat into normal conversation. (I have been compared to Abed on more than one occasion.) And so for someone to get something I say for the first time in what feels like months is a breath of fresh air.

So yeah, this may be a regular thing for me now. Another chance to reinvent myself in front of a new group of people. Maybe that's what I needed.

I can't contribute. Not art or music. Gun to my head, if you asked me to create something furry that gets people off, it would be writing, but I've never finished a short story in my life. Pretty much all my writing occurs in my other (non-furry) blog.

So...

What is it I do here? I'd like to comment on people's work, but wouldn't I just be drowned out in a comment section full of approval? Plus, it's a one-sided exchange. I don't want to come off as a creepy admirer.

What I really need are furry friends.

The next step. I dunno, Chat? Forums? I've formally stepped into this very welcoming community, but it's already pretty lonely again. It's just like transferring schools in the middle of the school year and discovering that everyone has already formed friend groups that are hard to break into.

I'm 40 miles away from a university town. Looking to move there as soon as my lease is up here in Podunk, USA. There's a furry mailing list and meetup there, but of course the meetups are weekly on a night when I pull an evening shift. (And that's not something I can change either. This is something I am scheduled for every single week.)

So I guess I'm stuck a little while longer (until fall). Oh well, I got plenty of furry novels and anthologies off BadDogBooks to keep me occupied for a while. And a hammock.

2009. Freshman year dorm. Big Ten University.

When I finally caved and registered Sofurry and Furaffinity accounts. Throwaway accounts with a bad name and a mailinator email address. I had been on Transfur and Yiffstar before that. You see, transformation was the kink that sucked me into the furry world. That and being a huge fag. :P (Although, in retrospect, I guess I can say now that: I wish I would have been an even bigger fag. But that's a story for another time.)

These accounts weren't for commenting, uploading or commissioning. They were for watching and faving. That's right: spank bank.

I was deep in the furry closet (the smaller, fur-lined sub-closet inside the gay closet inside the much larger I-say-I'm-from-Chicago-but-I'm-actually-from-the-suburbs closet). But hey, it only took me seven years and a lot of masturbating to figure out that that really isn't that bad. Well, really, it was the gang over at Knotcast. I downloaded them onto my phone last month and something kind of strange happened. Furry became an OK thing.

I think it was hearing the voices of other people that were talking openly about being furry that finally did it. Seven years of reading stories and comments on 3 different websites and it wasn't until last month that I let myself realize that there are other real, live furries out there who get aroused by the same weird, kinky shit as me.

So here I stand on a great precipice. The wide expanse of the furry kingdom stretches before me and I am taking the first timid steps into it. I created a new name, picked a species of fox, and crafted a fursona. I am one art commission and one Bad Dragon toy deep.

YOU HAVE REACHED *LEVEL 3* FURFAG.