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Things are changing
Posted 9 years agoThings are definitely changing for me.
Last anyone read, I was in a heart slump over this wonderful girl I have accepted into my life. While I do love her dearly, things have settled down and we are happy where we are with each other.
School has started and I am spending a lot of time running around with rare spots of relaxation. I work from 2 am to 12 pm on days I am not in school, and have 2-3 block (3 hour classes) every day when i do go to school. I am enrolled in Live Sound which is a program that leads me through training to produce, mix, and set up live events like concerts, sporting events, conferences, etc. it is very involved and gives me opportunities to work while still in school. So I have had little time to work on myself.
I am slowly re-entering the dating scene, but I am having no luck with anything local. I hate Maine.. But I am not giving up. I have found an amazing woman from a world away who has become my furry mother and has had an incredibly positive impact on my life. I wish she didn't lead in New Zealand, or I didn't live in the US. I love her very dearly. She knows who she is, if she reads this. I love you mom <3
I'm very nervous about getting back out there, and I honestly don't know where to start. But I know I am not going to use a service that I have to pay for.. until I have no other options, but even then I will only give it a month, if that, to see if its worth it.
I am looking for a girl who will love and accept me for who I am and will support and encourage me. I also know that I have some rather strange kinks, in the eyes of the average stranger, but I would like to find someone who would be ok with them, better yet into them themselves. Kind, caring, and comfortable with themselves enough to accept me.
Things are looking up and hopefully I will be able to keep my chin up!
Last anyone read, I was in a heart slump over this wonderful girl I have accepted into my life. While I do love her dearly, things have settled down and we are happy where we are with each other.
School has started and I am spending a lot of time running around with rare spots of relaxation. I work from 2 am to 12 pm on days I am not in school, and have 2-3 block (3 hour classes) every day when i do go to school. I am enrolled in Live Sound which is a program that leads me through training to produce, mix, and set up live events like concerts, sporting events, conferences, etc. it is very involved and gives me opportunities to work while still in school. So I have had little time to work on myself.
I am slowly re-entering the dating scene, but I am having no luck with anything local. I hate Maine.. But I am not giving up. I have found an amazing woman from a world away who has become my furry mother and has had an incredibly positive impact on my life. I wish she didn't lead in New Zealand, or I didn't live in the US. I love her very dearly. She knows who she is, if she reads this. I love you mom <3
I'm very nervous about getting back out there, and I honestly don't know where to start. But I know I am not going to use a service that I have to pay for.. until I have no other options, but even then I will only give it a month, if that, to see if its worth it.
I am looking for a girl who will love and accept me for who I am and will support and encourage me. I also know that I have some rather strange kinks, in the eyes of the average stranger, but I would like to find someone who would be ok with them, better yet into them themselves. Kind, caring, and comfortable with themselves enough to accept me.
Things are looking up and hopefully I will be able to keep my chin up!
What it's like...
Posted 9 years agoLately I have been in high spirits. I found a girl who is everything I could want in a human being. She is funny, independent, strong, very intelligent, and beautiful beyond imagination. We have spent the last 3 months hanging out together, sharing smiles and laughs. Every second made me feel like there was hope for me here in this world.
However.. She is in an open relationship with her someday husband. A decent guy with a good heart, and good intentions that could sink an oil tanker. And because of this guy who I wish I could hate... But can't... I can't show her the feelings I want to.
Yeah.. I know I fucked up.. I fell in love with a taken girl... The perfect girl... But.. We can't kiss, we can't spend the night together.. And I will never hear say she loves me, though we both share feelings for one another, I fear mine are stronger, but have no meaning or purpose in this relationship. I'm the other guy...
I always will be the other guy... I will someday watch her walk down the isle with him, I'll most likely be an uncle to thier children, and will watch them live happily ever after.
It's hard, it's painful, but it's the life I chose.. Falling in love with her was a mistake... But it's a mistake I will make again. And again, and again... Someday it won't hurt.. Someday I will be able to move on and find another girl.. But it won't be for a long time, and until then, I will be here for my dream girl.. Keeping her happy when he can't, make her feel loved if he fails to.. Holding her when she needs me.
I love her.. I do and I will be there for her no matter what.
However.. She is in an open relationship with her someday husband. A decent guy with a good heart, and good intentions that could sink an oil tanker. And because of this guy who I wish I could hate... But can't... I can't show her the feelings I want to.
Yeah.. I know I fucked up.. I fell in love with a taken girl... The perfect girl... But.. We can't kiss, we can't spend the night together.. And I will never hear say she loves me, though we both share feelings for one another, I fear mine are stronger, but have no meaning or purpose in this relationship. I'm the other guy...
I always will be the other guy... I will someday watch her walk down the isle with him, I'll most likely be an uncle to thier children, and will watch them live happily ever after.
It's hard, it's painful, but it's the life I chose.. Falling in love with her was a mistake... But it's a mistake I will make again. And again, and again... Someday it won't hurt.. Someday I will be able to move on and find another girl.. But it won't be for a long time, and until then, I will be here for my dream girl.. Keeping her happy when he can't, make her feel loved if he fails to.. Holding her when she needs me.
I love her.. I do and I will be there for her no matter what.
Changing fursona... maybe
Posted 10 years agoI have been thinking a lot lately about possibly changing my frusta. I love my current one, Clask is still very special to me, but he doesn't.. I guess suit me anymore. For one thing, we don't share the same body type, and there is a lot to him to make him unique. The more I think about him, the more I realize that I was trying to be as unique as I possibly could, when I was creating him.
So I have decided to maybe keep him as a character, but create a whole new fursona that is more honest to who and what I really am. He will still be a coyote, but have more features in common with me, and my personality, which has changed quite a bit since I created Clask.
The new fursona will be a little chubbier around the mid section, like belly, hips, ass, and thighs. Which is much more like me. He will have color besides black and white, but his wardrobe will reflect my favorite colors instead of his fur.
So here is his new description.
His name is Narsisio
He is/ has:
~6'2" tall white coyote wolf hybrid or Coyolf.
~Green eyes with a short 2" black streak running down his cheek from the center of each eye and black eyelids, sometimes wears glasses.
~Shoulder length dark brown hair, which is straight, but has a slight waviness to it with a black visor beanie on backwards and cocked off to the right.
~Black nose
~6 silver ball piercings running down his snout, 3 on each side.
~The fur around his chin is slightly longer than the rest of his fur, like a beard. It is white at the base but the tips are the same color as his hair. So his beard fades into white as it gets to his skin.
~A "W" branded into his left pec (He got it out of spite when he was in a welding program, and his friend made a "W" shaped branding rod)
~Reasonably fit in the arms and upper chest, sort of a thick neck too with a mix of dark brown fur in a pubic hair pattern (more white than brown 70-30)
~A bit of a gut, that hangs a little over his belt, but not much with the same pubic fur pattern going down into his pants.
~Thick thighs and a sizable round ass
~A little paunch over his shaft with the same pubic pattern but a little more brown on his balls, but not much (60-40)
~A 8" black humanoid shaft with a 6" thickness, circumsized
~Kiwi sized balls
~An average sized tail that has a brown ring 2/3 down the tail and a brown tip
~Solid calves and digigrade paws that tint to a dark brown at the paws starting at mid calf
~slightly bigger than average foot paws
~The same fading pattern exists on his arms, where it gradually transitions from white to dark brown starting just below the elbow
~A tribal barbed wire armband that goes around his left forearm 6" up from the wrist with a paw print and the never soft rotten eyeball loge in front of it on the inside of the forearm
He will usually wear a black t-shirt under a white denim vest that has black chest pocket flaps and that part that covers the shoulders and upper back with a black never soft rotten eyeball logo down the middle of the back. Black baggy jeans with a cloth belt (the kind with 2 "D" rings) thats a little big, so the strap hangs down about a foot on the right, and a chain going from the first belt loop on the right where he always has his keys hanging on a carabiner, and goes to the middle back belt loop.
This will be my new fursona and I will get a commission down of him as soon as I can.
If anyone would like to help me with a free concept piece of him, I would be very thankful.
I hope you guys like the new changes. I will still have Clask as a character, but Narsisio will be my new main.
Thank for reading. Let me know what you think!
Love you all!
So I have decided to maybe keep him as a character, but create a whole new fursona that is more honest to who and what I really am. He will still be a coyote, but have more features in common with me, and my personality, which has changed quite a bit since I created Clask.
The new fursona will be a little chubbier around the mid section, like belly, hips, ass, and thighs. Which is much more like me. He will have color besides black and white, but his wardrobe will reflect my favorite colors instead of his fur.
So here is his new description.
His name is Narsisio
He is/ has:
~6'2" tall white coyote wolf hybrid or Coyolf.
~Green eyes with a short 2" black streak running down his cheek from the center of each eye and black eyelids, sometimes wears glasses.
~Shoulder length dark brown hair, which is straight, but has a slight waviness to it with a black visor beanie on backwards and cocked off to the right.
~Black nose
~6 silver ball piercings running down his snout, 3 on each side.
~The fur around his chin is slightly longer than the rest of his fur, like a beard. It is white at the base but the tips are the same color as his hair. So his beard fades into white as it gets to his skin.
~A "W" branded into his left pec (He got it out of spite when he was in a welding program, and his friend made a "W" shaped branding rod)
~Reasonably fit in the arms and upper chest, sort of a thick neck too with a mix of dark brown fur in a pubic hair pattern (more white than brown 70-30)
~A bit of a gut, that hangs a little over his belt, but not much with the same pubic fur pattern going down into his pants.
~Thick thighs and a sizable round ass
~A little paunch over his shaft with the same pubic pattern but a little more brown on his balls, but not much (60-40)
~A 8" black humanoid shaft with a 6" thickness, circumsized
~Kiwi sized balls
~An average sized tail that has a brown ring 2/3 down the tail and a brown tip
~Solid calves and digigrade paws that tint to a dark brown at the paws starting at mid calf
~slightly bigger than average foot paws
~The same fading pattern exists on his arms, where it gradually transitions from white to dark brown starting just below the elbow
~A tribal barbed wire armband that goes around his left forearm 6" up from the wrist with a paw print and the never soft rotten eyeball loge in front of it on the inside of the forearm
He will usually wear a black t-shirt under a white denim vest that has black chest pocket flaps and that part that covers the shoulders and upper back with a black never soft rotten eyeball logo down the middle of the back. Black baggy jeans with a cloth belt (the kind with 2 "D" rings) thats a little big, so the strap hangs down about a foot on the right, and a chain going from the first belt loop on the right where he always has his keys hanging on a carabiner, and goes to the middle back belt loop.
This will be my new fursona and I will get a commission down of him as soon as I can.
If anyone would like to help me with a free concept piece of him, I would be very thankful.
I hope you guys like the new changes. I will still have Clask as a character, but Narsisio will be my new main.
Thank for reading. Let me know what you think!
Love you all!
I know..
Posted 10 years agoI read your journal.. And I don't deny what you said.. I am a monster.. I know I hurt you.. I live with that pain myself.. Believe it or not.. I did love you. I would still jump in front of a bus for you.. but I can't help but hurt.. I thought I could change when I fell in love with you, but... Turns out I can't.
I kinda wish you would claw my eyes out.. cuz I'm sick of having to look at myself.. You are the greatest thing to have happened to me and I mean that in full sincerity.. but I couldn't help but hurt you..
I will have to live knowing that the greatest person I have ever met.. and shared my life with hates me.. I am a monster.. but it is not because I choose to be.. but because I am a slave to it.. I hate what it makes me do.. I hate what I end up doing even though it is never my intention.. I wanted your safety.. I wanted your love.. I wanted to be the prince you saw in me.. but.. Im not..
I live with regret every day.. It eats at me every minute.. I wish i could change... but.. I fear I can't...
for 3 months... 3 months I fought the monster... I lost sleep... I barely ate.. I was barely able to keep water down.. I got medical help.. I started seeing a shrink... I never fought that had for anyone... Because I wanted you.. But now I know I can't have you.. because the monster is stronger than me.. and will only hurt you.. and I am sick of causing you pain...
You have every right to hate me.. to wish the worst of me... I can't and don't blame you... I miss you.. I think about you constantly and how much I hurt such a perfect being.. and I have to live with that.. as much as it hurts.. I have to live with that..
I'm done..
Kendra.. If you read this.. I can't say how sorry I am because it is just a word.. But it is a lot... You are beautiful, smart, sweet, caring, sexy.. everything any angel should aspire to be... But i do agree with you.. I wish you never knew me.. you would have been much better off..
I kinda wish you would claw my eyes out.. cuz I'm sick of having to look at myself.. You are the greatest thing to have happened to me and I mean that in full sincerity.. but I couldn't help but hurt you..
I will have to live knowing that the greatest person I have ever met.. and shared my life with hates me.. I am a monster.. but it is not because I choose to be.. but because I am a slave to it.. I hate what it makes me do.. I hate what I end up doing even though it is never my intention.. I wanted your safety.. I wanted your love.. I wanted to be the prince you saw in me.. but.. Im not..
I live with regret every day.. It eats at me every minute.. I wish i could change... but.. I fear I can't...
for 3 months... 3 months I fought the monster... I lost sleep... I barely ate.. I was barely able to keep water down.. I got medical help.. I started seeing a shrink... I never fought that had for anyone... Because I wanted you.. But now I know I can't have you.. because the monster is stronger than me.. and will only hurt you.. and I am sick of causing you pain...
You have every right to hate me.. to wish the worst of me... I can't and don't blame you... I miss you.. I think about you constantly and how much I hurt such a perfect being.. and I have to live with that.. as much as it hurts.. I have to live with that..
I'm done..
Kendra.. If you read this.. I can't say how sorry I am because it is just a word.. But it is a lot... You are beautiful, smart, sweet, caring, sexy.. everything any angel should aspire to be... But i do agree with you.. I wish you never knew me.. you would have been much better off..
Queers and Allies fundraising suggestions?
Posted 10 years agoI am posting this because my campus's Queers and Allies group's pride week is coming up in march and I was hoping to get some ideas from people as to help raise funds that will be donated to a local LGBT charity after pride week. any ideas or suggestions would be super helpful and if anyone wants to donate directly, let me know so i can get you the information needed to do so.
Also, if anyone in the Maine area is interested, we will be having a drag show that week and anyone who wants to can be a part of it, along as you let me know with enough time to get you in touch with the person in charge of that. sadly i don't think fursuits would be a good idea, but that is something to ask the Q&A officer i will get you in touch with.
Our chapter is small, but we wish to do everything we can to help support the LGBT community in our local area.
Husson University
Bangor, ME
if anyone shows any interest, i will post more details in another journal. Thanks everyone!
Also, if anyone in the Maine area is interested, we will be having a drag show that week and anyone who wants to can be a part of it, along as you let me know with enough time to get you in touch with the person in charge of that. sadly i don't think fursuits would be a good idea, but that is something to ask the Q&A officer i will get you in touch with.
Our chapter is small, but we wish to do everything we can to help support the LGBT community in our local area.
Husson University
Bangor, ME
if anyone shows any interest, i will post more details in another journal. Thanks everyone!
Probably shouldn't be read... Things are bad enough..
Posted 10 years agoLove, i strongly suggest you don't read this.. if you have clicked on this... please understand that i am very hurt at the things you have said and that i still am filled with the hate i have toward myself for the mistake i have made and am full of regret.. this is a journal i am posting to vent and to bleed a couple things out.. so please consider clicking away from this journal... its not a happy one..
If you decided to read on.. i want to say first off that i did fuck up and didn't tell you that i was going to play with my friend before i did. i know that i told you that i would dump you on the spot if you did that to me.. i know I'm a hypocritical asshole, and that i hurt you, and shouldn't be the one needing to vent.. but i have to because of some of the things you have said to me this morning..
firstly.. i told you right off the bat that if i do anything that involuntarily hurts you.. tell me so i don't make that same mistake again... don't let things slide..if i fuck up.. tell me. and you said that you let things slide before.. and from the text that i got today.. you let a lot of things slide.. you didn't tell me where i was fucking up so.. naturally.. i kept fucking up.. why didn't you tell me? now suddenly we have to sit down and go over a fucking list of shit that i have to change about myself beyond the other shit i already have? now i have to wait 2 days to figure out what the fuck i have done wrong while stressing school, friends, and work? i told you to tell me my mistakes as i make them so i can handle them one at a fucking time.. you didn't.. so now i have to fucking vent..
Yes.. i fucked up. I know i did. I went to bed full of hate and regret.. I swore to myself and to you that I would change. I promised you that I will be a better person for you... I woke up knowing that this is the first day of a new me. Not even awake for 2 hours and it turns out that I have not been a good boyfriend even up until now. Yes.. i fucked up.. didn't know and still can't remember that and when it happened before... but i trust you.. and will accept that it has and that I am in the wrong, regardless if i think it is true or not.. i fucked up and accept every ounce of hate and pain it brings.
But you are not carrying all of the emotional load.. It wasn't easy for me to get a hold of the anxiety and fear that i had tearing me apart every night and kept me from eating for 4 straight days. it wasn't a good feeling knowing that I would be a shitty boyfriend cuz well.. i am a shitty person. mainly for one reason.. i like dick.. yeah.. i love getting fucked.. i always have.. but what you didn't understand about that is what it means to be bi. you can ask all the people you want. but the truth is.. its fucking hard to be bi. never knowing of your straight or gay.. never being accepted for it.. getting dumped for being too much of one or the other.. always fearing being alone because of it.. I fell in love with you because apart from the other things about you that brings a smile to my heart, you accepted the worst part of me.. the part that always burned my relationships apart.. i am bi.. you accepted that.
you told me to relax and go have fun.. its ok. i forgot to tell you before but instead of hiding it.. i told you cuz you have a right to know and i knew you asked to be notified.. it kills me that i forgot that detail especially that i was the one that implemented it.. i already hate myself for it..
ever since the panic attacks started, i have felt guilty of being bisexual. hating a natural part of who i am because i never know when or even if i will fall full into one side or the other. but now i am completely ashamed of it.. i hate myself for being what i am.. i hate that i am a huge sub when it comes to the gay side of me... and i am a dom when it comes to the straight.. i hate that i am one big conflict.. i hate myself...
i hate myself completely.. people can say whatever they want.. i am a fuck up.. i am destined to hurt anyone that i am with no matter how hard i try..
but even though i fucked up yesterday... i want to make a couple things clear.. i was assured that being bi is ok... i can embrace my gay side as long as i still love ad am attracted to you.. which i am.. i love you.. i find you the most beautiful and sexiest woman i have ever met... but it hurts when you encourage me to go and let off some steam, and then turn and get mad when i do.. and i know why you're pissed. you don't have to keep telling me.. i have already heard it.. i have already mutilated myself for it.. i know exactly why you're pissed..
here is the biggest thing that pisses me off about why you're so mad.. i squashed my anxiety.. it has been gone for a few days and all that remained was natural nervousness. hell, i went to fucking see you and proved that i had conquered it. to show you that i wasn't afraid anymore. it felt great and i thought that that was behind us.. now.. all of the sudden you're calling me a coward and told me and i quote "if you are fit enough to get your ass pounded, you aren't that panicked" you are right.. i was not panicked. you told me to have fun. you told me you didn't care if i played with a friend. so i did. i was safe about it.. i know how to avoid STDs.. i just forgot to mention that i was going to. and honestly.. it just sort of happened. and i did it because you said you didn't mind if i did. this had nothing to do with my anxiety.. NOTHING and you still hold it over my fucking head like a fucking noose. i got over it.. why can't you?
if i was a coward.. i would have dumped you the night that i started thinking i should.. i would have told you not to come.. i would have taken the easy way out. if i was a fucking coward, i wouldn't have come over and seen you... i did not choose to have anxiety.. i did not choose to feel the way i felt.. i don't know why i did... i got help.. i admitted to myself that i had a problem and took every step i could to fix it. i suffered through all of it.. for you.. cuz believe to or not.. i fucking love you. i wanted you to be safe.. i wanted you to be happy.. i wanted to be the best i could for you and know that i couldn't hurt me as much as it hurt you. i could have ended things.. a coward would have ended things. but i didn't.. i got over it. i took control and moved on. i didn't eat for 4 days.. was barely able to keep water down.. i moved out of my room and cleaned it up for you. i changed a fucking lot for you.. more than i have for anyone i have ever been with.
i love you so much.. bu it hurts more than words can express when you say I'm not trying, and that i am a coward.. yeah.. you moved out of your home.. i did too.. a lot.. i never lived anywhere for more than 6 years.. i had to say goodbye to friends all the time.. lost contact with most of them.. i moved from california to maine because i knew it wasn't good for me to stay... i started over in maine.. I'm in college.. i have a license, and I'm no longer selling weed. i quit cigarettes, and am staying away from weed for the most part.. i have been through a lot.. as have you.. but there is one thing i am not.. and that is a coward.
If you decided to read on.. i want to say first off that i did fuck up and didn't tell you that i was going to play with my friend before i did. i know that i told you that i would dump you on the spot if you did that to me.. i know I'm a hypocritical asshole, and that i hurt you, and shouldn't be the one needing to vent.. but i have to because of some of the things you have said to me this morning..
firstly.. i told you right off the bat that if i do anything that involuntarily hurts you.. tell me so i don't make that same mistake again... don't let things slide..if i fuck up.. tell me. and you said that you let things slide before.. and from the text that i got today.. you let a lot of things slide.. you didn't tell me where i was fucking up so.. naturally.. i kept fucking up.. why didn't you tell me? now suddenly we have to sit down and go over a fucking list of shit that i have to change about myself beyond the other shit i already have? now i have to wait 2 days to figure out what the fuck i have done wrong while stressing school, friends, and work? i told you to tell me my mistakes as i make them so i can handle them one at a fucking time.. you didn't.. so now i have to fucking vent..
Yes.. i fucked up. I know i did. I went to bed full of hate and regret.. I swore to myself and to you that I would change. I promised you that I will be a better person for you... I woke up knowing that this is the first day of a new me. Not even awake for 2 hours and it turns out that I have not been a good boyfriend even up until now. Yes.. i fucked up.. didn't know and still can't remember that and when it happened before... but i trust you.. and will accept that it has and that I am in the wrong, regardless if i think it is true or not.. i fucked up and accept every ounce of hate and pain it brings.
But you are not carrying all of the emotional load.. It wasn't easy for me to get a hold of the anxiety and fear that i had tearing me apart every night and kept me from eating for 4 straight days. it wasn't a good feeling knowing that I would be a shitty boyfriend cuz well.. i am a shitty person. mainly for one reason.. i like dick.. yeah.. i love getting fucked.. i always have.. but what you didn't understand about that is what it means to be bi. you can ask all the people you want. but the truth is.. its fucking hard to be bi. never knowing of your straight or gay.. never being accepted for it.. getting dumped for being too much of one or the other.. always fearing being alone because of it.. I fell in love with you because apart from the other things about you that brings a smile to my heart, you accepted the worst part of me.. the part that always burned my relationships apart.. i am bi.. you accepted that.
you told me to relax and go have fun.. its ok. i forgot to tell you before but instead of hiding it.. i told you cuz you have a right to know and i knew you asked to be notified.. it kills me that i forgot that detail especially that i was the one that implemented it.. i already hate myself for it..
ever since the panic attacks started, i have felt guilty of being bisexual. hating a natural part of who i am because i never know when or even if i will fall full into one side or the other. but now i am completely ashamed of it.. i hate myself for being what i am.. i hate that i am a huge sub when it comes to the gay side of me... and i am a dom when it comes to the straight.. i hate that i am one big conflict.. i hate myself...
i hate myself completely.. people can say whatever they want.. i am a fuck up.. i am destined to hurt anyone that i am with no matter how hard i try..
but even though i fucked up yesterday... i want to make a couple things clear.. i was assured that being bi is ok... i can embrace my gay side as long as i still love ad am attracted to you.. which i am.. i love you.. i find you the most beautiful and sexiest woman i have ever met... but it hurts when you encourage me to go and let off some steam, and then turn and get mad when i do.. and i know why you're pissed. you don't have to keep telling me.. i have already heard it.. i have already mutilated myself for it.. i know exactly why you're pissed..
here is the biggest thing that pisses me off about why you're so mad.. i squashed my anxiety.. it has been gone for a few days and all that remained was natural nervousness. hell, i went to fucking see you and proved that i had conquered it. to show you that i wasn't afraid anymore. it felt great and i thought that that was behind us.. now.. all of the sudden you're calling me a coward and told me and i quote "if you are fit enough to get your ass pounded, you aren't that panicked" you are right.. i was not panicked. you told me to have fun. you told me you didn't care if i played with a friend. so i did. i was safe about it.. i know how to avoid STDs.. i just forgot to mention that i was going to. and honestly.. it just sort of happened. and i did it because you said you didn't mind if i did. this had nothing to do with my anxiety.. NOTHING and you still hold it over my fucking head like a fucking noose. i got over it.. why can't you?
if i was a coward.. i would have dumped you the night that i started thinking i should.. i would have told you not to come.. i would have taken the easy way out. if i was a fucking coward, i wouldn't have come over and seen you... i did not choose to have anxiety.. i did not choose to feel the way i felt.. i don't know why i did... i got help.. i admitted to myself that i had a problem and took every step i could to fix it. i suffered through all of it.. for you.. cuz believe to or not.. i fucking love you. i wanted you to be safe.. i wanted you to be happy.. i wanted to be the best i could for you and know that i couldn't hurt me as much as it hurt you. i could have ended things.. a coward would have ended things. but i didn't.. i got over it. i took control and moved on. i didn't eat for 4 days.. was barely able to keep water down.. i moved out of my room and cleaned it up for you. i changed a fucking lot for you.. more than i have for anyone i have ever been with.
i love you so much.. bu it hurts more than words can express when you say I'm not trying, and that i am a coward.. yeah.. you moved out of your home.. i did too.. a lot.. i never lived anywhere for more than 6 years.. i had to say goodbye to friends all the time.. lost contact with most of them.. i moved from california to maine because i knew it wasn't good for me to stay... i started over in maine.. I'm in college.. i have a license, and I'm no longer selling weed. i quit cigarettes, and am staying away from weed for the most part.. i have been through a lot.. as have you.. but there is one thing i am not.. and that is a coward.
Tattoo Ideas
Posted 11 years agoI want to save up and get a tattoo. I want to hold off on fixing the couple I already have and focus on getting some new ones. However, I don't know what to get and where. I have a couple ideas.
Idea 1: The Zanarkand Abes new school symbol (the yuna art in the background optional considering my skin)
http://fc08.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2.....10-d6jq7k8.png
Idea 2: Something written in the Yevon Script, but no idea what yet.. or where (Just a word)
http://img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb.....von_Script.jpg
Idea 3: Something written in Daedric script , no idea what or where.
http://img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb.....f/Oblivion.gif
idea 4: Something written in Al Bhed, again, no idea where or what.
http://img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb.....ed_Schrift.jpg
Idea 5: Something written in Spiran... no idea where or what
http://img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb.....n_alphabet.png
Any ideas as for what else I should get, or maybe what I should get written and in what.
Idea 1: The Zanarkand Abes new school symbol (the yuna art in the background optional considering my skin)
http://fc08.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2.....10-d6jq7k8.png
Idea 2: Something written in the Yevon Script, but no idea what yet.. or where (Just a word)
http://img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb.....von_Script.jpg
Idea 3: Something written in Daedric script , no idea what or where.
http://img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb.....f/Oblivion.gif
idea 4: Something written in Al Bhed, again, no idea where or what.
http://img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb.....ed_Schrift.jpg
Idea 5: Something written in Spiran... no idea where or what
http://img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb.....n_alphabet.png
Any ideas as for what else I should get, or maybe what I should get written and in what.
New life!
Posted 11 years agoHello!
This will be a positive update unlike my others which consisted of me bitching and moaning about my life and why my life sucks.. blah blah blah...
Yeah, we all have bumps in our roads, but I finally got sick of doing nothing but bitching and moaning.. The people I once loved dearly have left me due to my pointless emotional shenanigans. Now that I feel like I have hit rock bottom, I decided to make a change.. I am now in college. I have decided to get over my shit and move the fuck on.
It all started when I started talking to a beautiful and caring wolfess I met online and we started talking. And due to my pathetic excuses and crap.. I kept her at arms length because I was too insecure to open up to her emotionally. Though it lead to us building a foundation on friendship and thats always good, I was trying the whole time to get unnecessary details from my ex about his new relationship, even to the extent of talking to his fiancé about this junk.. Yeah.. I hit rock bottom. After realizing what the fuck happened to me, the only thing i could do was make a change and turn myself free from my pathetic life.
Now I am an audio engineering student at the New England School of Communication. Where I am learning first hand under the careful and very skilled eyes of such visionaries as Scott Louiselle, and Walter Clissan. I get to work with expensive state of the art equipment in an environment where my peers are so open and willing to help when I ask. I am working with programs and systems that allow me to create and alter tracks and will eventually get to record, produce, mix, and just.. AAHHH!! I love it! I am losing weight, I am taking care of myself, I have a part time job, I have turned my whole life around and the best part... I confessed my love to the beautiful and exquisite
BlackWolf145 and am happily mated to the perfect woman.
I could not be happier! Its an open relationship and I could not love her more! I only wish she lived closer. But I finally have her!
Anyway, I'm sorry for all my bitching. But I think that part of my life is over. From now on.. I'm all ahead full!
I love you my darling Sage, you saved me!
This will be a positive update unlike my others which consisted of me bitching and moaning about my life and why my life sucks.. blah blah blah...
Yeah, we all have bumps in our roads, but I finally got sick of doing nothing but bitching and moaning.. The people I once loved dearly have left me due to my pointless emotional shenanigans. Now that I feel like I have hit rock bottom, I decided to make a change.. I am now in college. I have decided to get over my shit and move the fuck on.
It all started when I started talking to a beautiful and caring wolfess I met online and we started talking. And due to my pathetic excuses and crap.. I kept her at arms length because I was too insecure to open up to her emotionally. Though it lead to us building a foundation on friendship and thats always good, I was trying the whole time to get unnecessary details from my ex about his new relationship, even to the extent of talking to his fiancé about this junk.. Yeah.. I hit rock bottom. After realizing what the fuck happened to me, the only thing i could do was make a change and turn myself free from my pathetic life.
Now I am an audio engineering student at the New England School of Communication. Where I am learning first hand under the careful and very skilled eyes of such visionaries as Scott Louiselle, and Walter Clissan. I get to work with expensive state of the art equipment in an environment where my peers are so open and willing to help when I ask. I am working with programs and systems that allow me to create and alter tracks and will eventually get to record, produce, mix, and just.. AAHHH!! I love it! I am losing weight, I am taking care of myself, I have a part time job, I have turned my whole life around and the best part... I confessed my love to the beautiful and exquisite
BlackWolf145 and am happily mated to the perfect woman.I could not be happier! Its an open relationship and I could not love her more! I only wish she lived closer. But I finally have her!
Anyway, I'm sorry for all my bitching. But I think that part of my life is over. From now on.. I'm all ahead full!
I love you my darling Sage, you saved me!
It's been 4 years....
Posted 11 years agoIt has been 4 years since I last had sex. I have done a couple bjs, but legit, I am 4 years dry and it's really weighing down on me. I have had opportunities when I was dating, but it was too soon in the relationship and my past experiences with love have't been good ones 80% of the time, so I didn't want to threaten it with with a shakey foundation of sex. I regret it a lot because I would at least have had a great time while it lasted. But no. I used to live in California where sex was everywhere, I had fuck buddies, exes, there was a gay bar i hung around a couple times. I was responsible and am still clean btw, don't worry ^^
I live in Bangor, Maine where its difficult to find guys into someone like me first off. Almost every guy here is into otters and twinks, Muscle men..etc.. not many if any chubby chasers. There is someone, but it's a 2 hour drive just to get there and I really want to go but with all this crap I have to do with school, and the family farm, it's nearly impossible.
Normally I'm very responsible and mature when it comes to sex in my life, I don't bitch and whine about it. But it's coming up on 5 years, and I'm worried things wont change. Maybe when I move on to campus and despite my studies, will find time to take a 2 hour drive, or even find someone on campus or maybe meet someone somewhere else either in the local area, or online.
I am sorry for this long bitchy post about my dead sex life. Like I said it's been 4 going on 5 years... that's a long time by anyone's standards. I mean in that time a kid has been born and is now in school! So I kinda have a right to be upset at this point. Anyway, if you made it this far, thanks for listening. Love you all!
I live in Bangor, Maine where its difficult to find guys into someone like me first off. Almost every guy here is into otters and twinks, Muscle men..etc.. not many if any chubby chasers. There is someone, but it's a 2 hour drive just to get there and I really want to go but with all this crap I have to do with school, and the family farm, it's nearly impossible.
Normally I'm very responsible and mature when it comes to sex in my life, I don't bitch and whine about it. But it's coming up on 5 years, and I'm worried things wont change. Maybe when I move on to campus and despite my studies, will find time to take a 2 hour drive, or even find someone on campus or maybe meet someone somewhere else either in the local area, or online.
I am sorry for this long bitchy post about my dead sex life. Like I said it's been 4 going on 5 years... that's a long time by anyone's standards. I mean in that time a kid has been born and is now in school! So I kinda have a right to be upset at this point. Anyway, if you made it this far, thanks for listening. Love you all!
Dont let anyone stop you!
Posted 14 years agohttp://www.videobash.com/video_show.....g-skater-11800
Dont think just cuz you have add, you cant take out the trash or do your homework. dont think just cuz you gots assburgers (sorry for the misspelling) you dont have to get a job and have a family.. and dont htink you cant skate better than most 2 legged people when you have no legs. this guy is amazing!
Dont think just cuz you have add, you cant take out the trash or do your homework. dont think just cuz you gots assburgers (sorry for the misspelling) you dont have to get a job and have a family.. and dont htink you cant skate better than most 2 legged people when you have no legs. this guy is amazing!
need furry friends on ps3 online
Posted 17 years agohey everyone. i was hoping that if anyone had ps3 online that they would add me as a friend. my games are as follows
~Resistance: Fall of Man
~motorstrom
~SKATE.
Please add me, i need buddies. and i dont have a headset yet.
~Resistance: Fall of Man
~motorstrom
~SKATE.
Please add me, i need buddies. and i dont have a headset yet.
hey all ^^
Posted 17 years agojust a little check in on my life thus far. not that anyone really cares ^^
well, my bank account is getting screwed and my friends are creating alot of drama. its great, somewhat, that its legal to marry in cali, but it doesnt matter to me since im moving to maine. hit me up if you want to, ill be ahppy to see you no matter who you are. just let me know first via FA and email. and please dont be a hatchet toting psychopath... id have to eat you ^^
im still looking for a mate and im really lonely. same old same old. anyway.... ill be looking for some new friends to hang out with, hopefully they will be furrys too, but i doubt it.
ill be getting a job at hottopic if not ill find another. its been a while since i posted a journal, its nice to just say stuff and hope someone at least respond.
well, thats it for me for now, ill try to get Wh3lps going and post them up, i just need a scanner.
well, my bank account is getting screwed and my friends are creating alot of drama. its great, somewhat, that its legal to marry in cali, but it doesnt matter to me since im moving to maine. hit me up if you want to, ill be ahppy to see you no matter who you are. just let me know first via FA and email. and please dont be a hatchet toting psychopath... id have to eat you ^^
im still looking for a mate and im really lonely. same old same old. anyway.... ill be looking for some new friends to hang out with, hopefully they will be furrys too, but i doubt it.
ill be getting a job at hottopic if not ill find another. its been a while since i posted a journal, its nice to just say stuff and hope someone at least respond.
well, thats it for me for now, ill try to get Wh3lps going and post them up, i just need a scanner.
