Content Warning - Language, description of violence

While being around furries or hanging out in the fandom is the least of my worries, I am seriously worried about the state of prejudice and hate towards furries and fandoms en generale.

The furry fandom is not the first nor will be the last to be publicly ridiculed and attacked, but I'm worried that it's beginning to be socially acceptable to endorse violence against others. So certainly, a lot of us have seen the comments on the news stories, right? Yeah, cesspit of hate. I stopped looking after I had seen enough.

I know that whoever planted the chemical weapon was attempting to gas an entire building with a chlorine gas canister and device placed in the stairwell, so it would seep down to all floors through the emergency evacuation path ^note1. Whoever was doing it was attempting to harm, obviously.

I'm certain some of us have personally witnessed the violence. I can clearly recall being shown a warning which showed us "how to treat your furf*gs" which involved an image of sawing a fur's head off.

So yeah. People are pretty fricking terrible. That's nothing new.

And there's not much we can do. I know that if we're as reactive as other social movements have been, then things will only get worse.

What are your guys' thoughts?

Today, Adam4d posted this comic.

And several things today reminded me of stereotypes that exist within Christianity and why/what becoming a Christian can be like.

I got approved for CCH (Christian Campus House) today so I'll be moving over the break to a different dorm. I had the interview today. They asked me a bunch of questions, had a few warnings/concerns about construction. We talked about the housing, my participation in church. He reviewed my Facebook and etc.

But then the question came: Did you grow up in a Christian house?

This question always catches me because it becomes a misrepresentation. Sure, I grew up in a Christian house, but I haven't been a Christian until recently. My parents may have taken me to church, but that definitely did not mean I believed in God. I read the Bible, sure, but that doesn't mean the words on the page meant more than wisdom to me. I grew up in a Christian house. I wasn't a Christian. It asks a question that misses the most important part.

I sincerely doubt that Christ would mean more to me if I was a Christian growing up. I would much rather have a fruitful and rough life rather than an easy and hollow and dead one. God means so much more to me because I know that He answers the most important questions in life and delivers.

The most important question for Christians becomes: Am I following Christ because I know it's the good and true thing to do or am I seeking happiness?

I'm afraid if you believe in God just so you can feel better about yourself, you're missing the point of the entire Bible.

Alright, ladies and gents, ALL of you. I'm looking for opinions on Redemption.

I would like to discuss the idea of redemption with people of varying faiths and viewpoints. I know that my watchers tend to encompass that pretty well.

So, if I may ask, could you answer the following questions:
1 - What is redemption?
2 - Is anything required for redemption?
3 - What is redemption worth?
4 - What does redemption do?
5 - Does it come with a cost?
6 - Are there types of redemption?
7 - Is there something someone cannot be redeemed for?
8 - Is redemption an in-life or after-life thing?
9 - Is it achieved by working towards it, or does it require a change in personality, or both?

Only rule I have is the same rule I have for all discussions and forums: Be respectful of other posters and DO NOT argue like children. The easiest route when you see something you disagree with is not to point fingers, nor address other posters directly. If it's important enough you need to address it, I would appreciate it being discussed in quiet (example: note me).

There's a topic I want to explore: What happens if we have artificial reality (like full simulations) where the difference between reality and virtual reality cannot be discerned?

Should I:
1 - Write an essay to explore it?
2 - Write a story?
NOTE: Would NOT be a GXC story.

Check here for music I'm interested in but may not be listed since I do not own them: link

Here you go:

Must-haves:

A Feast For Kings (Metalcore)
The Ascendicate (Metal)
Before Their Eyes (Pop Punk/Metalcore)
The Browning (Techno Metal/ Dubmetal)
Color Me Valiant (Metalcore/Hardcore)
Confide (Pop Punk)
Cry of the Afflicted (Metalcore/Pop Punk)
Darkness Divided (Deathcore)
Fades Away (Rock/Hardcore)
Hope For The Dying (Symphonic Metalcore)
Images (At least their newest single) (Metalcore)
Matter (Post-Rock/Metalcore)
Monolith (Symphonic Metalcore)
Numbers (Electronic/Symphonic Metalcore; "Electrometal jazzcore")
The Showdown (Hard Rock/Metal/Metalcore)
Silent Planet (Atmospheric Metalcore)
Verse Vica (Metalcore + whatever they feel like)
Vessels of Veritas (Metalcore)


Recommendations by genre:

Atmospheric Death Metal:
7 Horns 7 Eyes

Black Metal (Including Melodic-):
Extol
Immortal Souls
In Vain (<- These guys. Want to hear me sing in Norwegian? Play "Hymne Til Havet" around me.)

Chaos:
The Chariot
Norma Jean

Deathcore:
Azurah (I only have one single. But it's good.)
Every Knee Shall Bow
Impending Doom (earlier stuff is goregrind- Be warned!)
In the Midst of Lions
Leaders
Parallax Withering
Saving Grace
With Blood Comes Cleansing
Your Chance to Die (<- Female vocalist) O_O

Death/Extreme Metal (Including Technical- and Progressive-):
As They Sleep
Ascendant
Asylum
Becoming the Archetype
Blood of the Broken (Maybe just their "Red Dawn" song)
The Burial (Must have if you like very hard music)
HaShem
Job for a Cowboy
Sacrificium
This Divided World

Djent:
Eons Before Us
Nomadic (Ex-Crusaders Depart)
Sequences

EXTREMELY Melodic Sludge:
Callisto
Everything in Slow Motion
Hands

Genericore (metalcore OR hardcore):
Alive in the Dark
Ark of the Covenant
As Hell Retreats
August Burns Red
Authors
Beartooth
Before the Foundation
Between Now and Then
Between Two Thieves
Beware the Neverending
Bloodline Severed
A Bullet for Pretty Boy (Might be a must-have.)
Burdened Hearts (I only have a single, but there's another release on Bandcamp)
Citadel
Close Your Eyes (Their older stuff, which I don't have, is all must-have)
Come and Rest
Creacia
The Death in Me
Fit For A King
For All Eternity
Forevermore
Hollow Vessels
I Am Alpha and Omega
I Prayed for an Afterlife
In Fear and Faith
Inhale Exhale
Intervals
Issachar (Metalcore + whatever they feel like)
Lead us Forth
My Heart To Fear
My Maker and I
Mychildren Mybride
Onward to Olympus
The Overseer
Phinehas
A Plea For Purging
Prepared like a Bride
Rejoice (Rejoice, The Awakening)
Revival Ashore
The Saving
Serianna (The stuff I don't have is pretty good.)
Solaris
Texas in July
These Hearts
To Speak of Wolves
Watchers and Hunters
With a Voice
Wolves at the Gate
Words like Vines
Write This Down
Your Hands Write History

Hard Rock/Metal:
Demon Hunter
Disciple
Living Sacrifice
Righteous Vendetta
Spoken

Industrial Metal:
Believer (I'll take their Transhuman release over their previous psychedelic stuff.)

Power Metal:
Divinefire (Symphonic)
HB (Symphonic)
Teramaze (Progressive)
Theocracy (Symphonic)

Melodeath:
Renascent (Highly recommended symphonic melodeath)

Symphonic Metalcore:
How the West Was Won
Thornyway

I remember reading ''When Will My Life Not Suck? Authentic Hope for the Disillusioned''. I got it for free, in the same way I get two free books a week, if I don't already have them. I thought it was going to be something that probably would have helped me out in the period of depression I was in.

Well, the book gave me a bunch of things to consider when I'm in conditions where reality sucked as much as a black hole but it never really answered the question. I got a bit of a runaround about the book of Philippians and psychology instead.

In fact, I don't think there's an answer to that question: "When will my life not suck?" We can do damage control in the now, but we will never really know when things will get better.

There are many questions like these. Some of these have many answers, but they are ones where I haven't had a complete full answer on, yet. Can we determine meaning? Is it possible to know God's will?

So do things ever really get better?

I can't answer that question in a matter I can say is consistently honest. I know that in some circumstances things really don't ever get better, and in others they do.

There's a promise for an afterlife, for some, sure, but that doesn't mean a whole lot for the now. If the promise of an afterlife was all that mattered, then we wouldn't really need 95% of the Bible. It's about living a life. And that may mean it will cost your life in the process. Refer to my earlier journal about August to get examples of what that cost may be. It's scary, but that's the cost of being good. It comes with sacrifice.

Hope all is well with you folks. Love you all.

Reflection on Part One of Philip Yancey's "Reaching for the Invisible God"

Letter superscripts: Notes
Numerical superscripts: Sources

This book, as I quickly learned, is going to be a read that will take time. Not because it is dense, overtly or aggressively philosophical, but because it requires reflection. Already, I've read a certain distance into the book and have feeling myself looking into my past and thinking hard about how I got through my struggles. Was I really in contact with God? Was I doing what I fear the most, and just imagining a God? What did the situations I'm in say about the God I claim to know?

This internal struggle, at least for the last few years, I've seen rarely in others. If I didn't know any better, I'd say people didn't really care. I'd say many people ask the question "How do I have a relationship with God?" but only a few around me ever actually seek out the answer to the question ^[A]. I had a conversation with my mother once, about our doubts on how to have a relationship with this celestial actuator. At the time, I could barely relate to God as being more than a mystical force who I'm told to love, but had no real love for. He had my obedience, but it was a fight to get it.

When that question was asked, I felt like I had been t-boned in a car accident. I felt the same shock I felt when I was actually in the car accident years ago. I was in mental shock- I didn't know what to do or what to feel. So I did the only thing I could do: I related. And it was easy to relate, because I was in the exact same situation, wondering the same question.

At the time, I knew a lot of random theological and philosophical tidbits. Just like I was then, I still have little actual knowledge of the way around the Bible. I know a few facts that are helpful with determining the scale and scope of some passages. I have a bilinear Bible and Strong's Dictionaries. I also had full knowledge that I knew very little, next-to-nothing in fact, about how to have a relationship with a God. Yancey nailed it on the head when he referred to John Polkinghorne:

The physicist John Polkinghorne, who resigned his post at Cambridge to seek ordination as an Anglican priest, points out a major difference between knowing science and knowing theology. Science progressively accumulates: first Ptolemy, then Galileo, Copernicus, Newton, and Einstein. Each of these scientists built on the foundation of those who preceded him, so that an ordinary scientist today has a more accurate conception of physical world than was ever possible for Sit Isaac Newton. Knowledge of God proceeds in an entirely different manner. Every counter is unique and individual, just like any meeting between two persons, so that a fifth-century mystic or an illiterate immigrant may have a deeper knowledge of God than a twentieth-century theologian. ^[1]

Right now, I see God as more of a figure who I love dearly, with actual affection and devotion. I'm afraid of hurting Him just as I'm afraid of hurting the ones I love. I don't obey God out of fear anymore, but out of trust (faith) and love. I know that He's there for me and helpful, but the same question remains: "If someone were to ask me how I know God, how do I tell them?" How can I even communicate something that seems so personal I can't even describe it with normal words?

I think I know God, sometimes. How many times have I "heard" God's voice but instead of actually hearing Him, I hear myself or a lie? I've become so jaded by people telling me "God wants/is-telling me to do this" and then they pursue it, though in my right mind, I would never ever do the same. I don't feel a call to a specific job, or to a specific task. Everything I do I've derived from seeking to serve God, not from listening to voices in my head or urges of my body. Every time I feel that I'm in contact with God, I have my doubts that say I'm not speaking to, or hearing from, Him. It plagues me, sometimes for hours at a time, until I force myself to move on to something else so the questioning doesn't become dangerous. I take these questions and I hang onto them. Instead of seeking the answers, I look around for where to begin and get frustrated at the maze I appear to be standing in. Which path do I take, and when I hit a dead end, how can I even be sure I'm getting back to my original position so I can go back to my original options? Is God the one trying to teach me something? Is He letting me go so that I can find Him on my own?

Sometimes I wonder if this means I've covered my ears with wax so I don't hear the Sirens' call, and I don't hear Him either like a form of collateral. Am I distant from God because I'm afraid of Him, afraid of myself, or because I'm not listening.

I've heard often that God doesn't give us a struggle or a temptation that we can't overcome. Right now, the biggest struggle is knowing Him. I'd be willing to give my all, and I feel that I already have by seeking out the Christian life, for Him. It's not the promise of an afterlife that I'm seeking: I want to know my Creator. It's a bond that's deeper than consanguinity, yet I feel that there's sometimes nothing between Him and I.

(Rereading that now, it really sounds like I need relationship counseling. And I do, of a sort, just not your everyday relationship.)

My quest, as it has been for about four years now, is to seek out God's signature. The whole universe is His Creation, so certainly it's indicative of who He is? I'm a computer scientist, so with a little bit of time, I could recreate objects in code and give them attributes. I'm also a fiction writer and a musician/composer. I found that creating things, telling stories, and writing melodies, gives me peace and comfort, and I feel for the characters. I wonder if God felt the same when he wrote our stories and watches us.

But I'm told He's the Author and my father. If he's my Father, why does some of His affection seem mechanical, or so fluid it seems to flood me with sensation and awe? I don't imagine for one instance His affection is ever lukewarm. We know what He thinks of that. But is He always warm? Our cup overfloweth, or so I've heard. But what about the times when it feels like the cup is empty, or we don't even have a cup?

When I lay my head down on my pillow my mind races off to logical extremes and I'm stuck laying there for hours, looking at myself, looking at God, and wondering if I'm just missing the point. I've been seeking more than I ever have before in my life. This book coming into my hands might just be the best thing to help me since I started reading C.S. Lewis.

Notes:
A – Reading the ear the book originally came out, 2000, was a bit of a comfort. I felt like this book was new, and that only in this society where technology connects us in ways previously unimaginable, that people were disconnected from God. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only person looking. Sometimes other people seem extremely indifferent to what I realize is the most important question.

There is little to no dialog. I'm tired of going to churches where the congregation sings of knowing God and His love and does not display it. Or where the congregation is so large, having questions means they never get answered because the church is too big to make time for the individual. I feel that many churches miss the mark, on that. That's why I have a small circle of friends and a small attendance to those I speak about. I want a personal connection with the people I know so I can witness God changing their lives, not so I can pretend that I'm doing the right thing and justify my carelessness with thoughts of my own righteousness. I'm a human being just like everyone else. They deserve my time and attention, and for this matter, I can't knowingly push them away.

Source:
1 - Yancey, P. (2000). Part One - Thirst: Our Longing For God. In Reaching for the Invisible God (p. 27). Grand Rapids, Michigan: ZondervanPublishingHouse.

This will help with the decreasing amount of people using FA, the incredibly large amount of people I know who refuse to use it, and it works better.

I'm not leaving FA.

I can be found here.

What should I put up on there?

That's novella length. A small novel.

Starlight is about 153,000 words.

All my journals total about one part of Starlight, or 2,000 more than Warriors of Crystal.

This does not count the journals from my old profile, aight?

My shortest journal is one word.
My longest is a little over 3,000.


A lot of my themes deal with depression and realizing my character.

Maybe I have come far- I dunno. I don't think I have. In my personal opinion, I haven't: I feel that I've backtracked.

But I've learned a lot. I've learned what agape truly means and I've learned what it means to love those who oppose me.

I've realized a lot of things recently. And as always, there's still progress to be made.

Love you guys.

I've had a real bout with darkness recently. Some serious issues dealing with hatred towards who I've been and becoming rolled up in it.

I feel used. I feel tossed aside.

I do not enjoy the things I used to.

The words I wish I could say are beginning to eat away at me.

I'll get to you guys when I feel I'm able. Love you.

A small handful of you guys know actively know that I'm still here.

A lot of thoughts have been going through my mind recently, and needless to say, it's been a struggle. I'm going to describe my thoughts so you guys can maybe understand what's happening in this hectic mind of mine. (NOTE: It's currently 3:26 AM CST and I'm only about halfway through this. Forgive me if my writing ability turns to mud.)


#1: School

Currently, school is not well. I have my lowest grades in my entire school career. This is due to my sickness (an upper respiratory viral infection) that had me out of class for two and a half weeks. School, when I'm well, is a matter of getting high grades; this semester, it's a matter of passing. If I do not pass my degree courses, I'll be behind a semester and in a tight spot due to what exactly that means regarding my degree plan.

Those of you who know me well know I attending college in my Junior year of high school, then went back to high school for a single credit to get my diploma. After that, I resumed college for a year (last year) at a different school. So this year, I'm a junior, technically, but my courses are messed up. I took pretty much nothing but General Education courses my first year, so most of those are out of the way. However, I was delayed a semester for Computer Science courses because there was not an opening. So skip ahead to now: I have only one Computer Science course under my belt and I'm a Junior in my degree. All that's left to take is Computer Science courses and a couple electives. If I'm unable to pass this course, I'll be running out of electives to pair with Computer Science courses due to per-requisites. I will have issues remaining a full-time student if this happens to be the case.

It will result in a lot of wasted money and time, possibly delaying my degree another year.


#2: Stress and Depression

I have huge issues managing my stress. Stress is recursive and cyclical. The more I get stressed, I'll get even more stressed. This is shown by the fact that I get stressed out about a test, then that stress will give me stress-induced dyslexia and some weird inability to count similar objects, then that results in a bad test score, which in turn adds more stress about my grade and course.

Better yet, when I get stressed out, I'm unable to focus. When I'm unable to focus, I'm unable to work or think effectively, often causing serious issues with my homework or studying and performances.

A few times, I passively thought about the consequences behind what I was doing. A few times I considered going to a counselor. A few times I've broken down and cried. Twice this week I've cried myself to sleep, when I did sleep. I know that I'm capable of processing very dark thoughts without giving a legitimate thought about doing it. I know that if I admitted it, I'd probably be hospitalized and force-medicated. The only thing keeping me from getting help is fear of the help I'll be receiving. I have no doubt I'd hurt myself if I was force-medicated. No, I'm not suicidal. I do not wish to die. I do not want to hurt myself. I will not hurt myself. I'm past that. I no longer enjoy pain. Death is something I have a numinous fear of, not a mortal fear. I know there are consequences to what I'm doing and I know that I will be held accountable.

You can assuredly rest easy and know that I will not harm myself. That is a promise.

Right now, I'm only working on trying to get through each day without breaking down into tears.


#3: Friendships

For the duration of this week, I've generally paused most personal contact while I try to get things caught up. As a result, I've had a lot thinking about my friendships. In regards to a few friendships, I realize just how ignored I felt. Admitting that I feel that way to anyone who honestly does not mean to make me feel that way does terrible things to friendships. Sometimes they don't know it. Sometimes they don't care.

The truth is, I don't want to face that situation. The amount of fear that fills me thinking about it is making me feel ill as well. All my veins seem to run cold...

I've been in this exact situation before, and it's never turned out well. I'm literally dreading the messages I'm going to get. There's no way to, in an indirect way, point out who is and isn't doing this to me. Read We Ain't Talkin' to hear some more thoughts on this- do not, however, stop reading this Friendships section: I have more to say.

A question comes to my mind, after a specific ordeal in the last couple of months, as to how we perceive friendships. How is it, that, someone can basically slap my face and our friendship, then continue to call me a "good friend?" How can I love someone, treat them as family, then get hurt and treated like nothing's wrong? (See the "Relationships" bullet point next for a continuation about this person.) My thoughts began to wonder to every possible time I've done something, maybe with the right or wrong intentions, and have it perceived in a way that I did not mean. Never, in any instance, do I ever mean to hurt anybody. I NEVER want to make someone feel the hurt I've felt. If I've hurt you and I don't know it, I want you to tell me so I can ask your forgiveness personally. Know that I never meant to hurt you.

I know there are a few times I've snapped, especially recently, due to stress and the conversations I've had. I know that in those instances, I had immediate remorse, but for whatever reason I keep finding myself unable to go back and fess up and apologize. The more stressed I get, the more reactive and volatile I become. I destabilize. And currently, the amount of stress on me is nearly killing me. Please, I know this is a lot to ask for, but have patience with me, even when I lack it with you.


#4: Relationships

Relationships have always been a rocky road for me. I've been in a handful and several times things have gone badly. I do not wish to seek advice regarding my relationships, since every time I have, it has gone awfully wrong. I value your opinions, and I may not follow it, but I still value it. The last time I followed advice (following the general consensus from all my friends), I got less-than-friend-zoned. I don't think I ever told anybody about what happened there, and I don't think I will because it will simply be a stumbling block for myself. Just know the response made me feel sick to my stomach.

Moving away from that, I've had four previous relationships, as I've described before. 1st wasn't good, got cheated on. 2nd, not so good, was peer pressured into it. 3rd, awful, just freaking awful. 4th faded in and out, but I at least enjoyed it somewhat. The whole topic of relationships is a bit of rocky territory. If I'm unable to keep what I have now, I might just quit it all together. I've had enough people rub it in my face that I'm worthless or not worth their time that I'm sick of being treated like that. So I'm not going to try anymore

There have been a few instances where I had a serious crush on someone, maybe about three times in the last two or three years. All three of those ended with me getting wrecked hard for at least a week each. I still hold affection for those three, although it's not the same kind. ...In actuality, all three of the targets have actually hurt me in the process. Continuing on from the parenthesis in #3, one of the people to hurt me the most recently was someone that I loved and cared for kind of deeply. I can say this with a great deal of certainty that the person will never read this. If they do, I'll be surprised. ^A

Looking at all this, I have to wonder why I keep going back over and over into the same trap of making myself vulnerable for the off-chance that someone would take me for who I am. My only answer is that I crave the affection and love I receive from those around I love. It's the only thing that has ever effectively and consistently made me feel like my time here is worth it- like I'm something more than a rag to be used and tossed away continually.


#5: Doubt

I have doubts, yes. They are not tied to God, but instead myself. I can easily understand why people wouldn't want to date me. That's not hard at all. I'm a willingly-straight bisexual picky eater with acne born with a chest deformation that could kill me, and I had a steel bar installed in my chest to fix it, and I also have a series of speech impediments and I've been molested once. I'm also a learning Christian with a foundation of knowledge set on absolute philosophies, ethics, and evidentialist and philosophical sciences. I'm twenty, 6'3",160 lbs., and a computer scientist.

All of that, apparently, has made me pretty undesirable. Nothing about any of that entitles me to anything. But I don't want your pity or any entitlements. I want your respect. I'm a human being, not a cardboard cutout.


#6: Faith

This is about the only area in my life that's going in somewhat a positive direction. The only inhibition I've had with my faith has stemmed from Christians, unsurprisingly. A lot of talks at my church has been about how Christians should behave and how the Church is supposed to have unity, but as far as I can tell outside of my Church, the opposite continues to happen.

I know that without a doubt God exists. I'm still learning how to have a relationship with the Creator who made me. This is where I'm struggling the most. Conveniently (<- not really what I mean, you know), I had a book about this lent to me from my Pastor about this.


#7: Fear

At this point in my life, I'm very much afraid. Of more things than ever in my life. Myself, friends, college, the future, job, money, love, rejection, messing up, sinning.


I'm out of words, guys... I have more to say, it's just that my brain has effectively shut down. It's 4:35 AM and I can't sleep.

Just know that I love you.

---

A - I still worry for this person. I still feel that their heart is in the wrong place and that they're with someone that's going to take advantage of them. I have concerns. I don't trust their judgment. It's like watching something bad happen and being unable to stop it or unable to affect it. I'm grieved deeply.

I've got the weight of school really bearing down on me.

And on top of that, my life shows a track record of me finally getting something right or something I want, then it wrecks me. I feel like a threat and a hazard and I know that I damage everything I touch. I can't help but feel that I'm doing more and more damage, and the less communicating that's happening, the more I feel I'm going to muck things up again.

I'm getting worn out. Life's becoming more and more frustrating and difficulty, and I'm get stressed enough that it's giving me headaches and insomnia.

I really want to stop trying and I really really hate feeling alone when I'm with the ones I love. And tonight, it feels like it's reaching a high point.

I need space. Dear friends, please give me about a week to recuperate and work through school.

Just give me space, please. I need some time to sort through my thoughts and work and see if I can turn this around.

Just hope and pray for the best. I'm going to see if I can sleep tonight without crying.

Do any of you ever wonder if each one of us has a specific purpose for our lives?

One of the most chilling and disturbing music videos I've seen.

It's a must watch, even if you're not a fan of metal.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fSCi15D_8MU

His latest video, I think, may do some explaining.

Still my favorite Youtuber.

Anybody else tired of them? Has anybody you know (excluding me) had a funeral threatened to be picketed?

They're insane. Christ is so far above them. Even if they somehow get to Heaven, they will be the last to enter. That's Scripture.

I'm getting very tired of seeing them in headlines and on FB.

Might be a lengthy journal. >_>

Thing is, now I've mentioned it, it's likely I'll never do it.

The Great Divergence Part 3 is planned. Not written. <_<

>_>
<_<
>_>

College is a huge jerk right now. Add three-week long sickness and then there's me. This is not an excuse. This delay is on part of a character flaw of mine. It's also a common trait of INFJs, apparently.

Regardless, the Suffering journal may be a For-Christians article, but I seriously advise everyone else who's reading this journal to read it too. You may be able to pull something out of it.

Earlier today, I had written a very edgy and very unsettling journal that I decided not to publish. It touched on symbolism, music, the state of the Church, and the idea of equality. But I saved it and won't touch it. It's not worth reading.

However, the next sentences are: I love you. God loves you more.

And honestly, I don't care who or what you consider yourself. I only care about what you do.

I can't believe it took me five months to hear, but... I'll miss you.

Alrighty. This is a huge topic to tackle, so bear with me, alright? I'll try to keep it simple and short. ;)


An explanation of the Metaphysical Conceit:

What is the "metaphysical conceit" and why the heck are you obsessed with it?

Conceit here is not the personality trait. It's a literary trait instead. As I was taught in English 75 (R.I.P. 75 ;_;), a conceit is an "extended metaphor." And really, it's a nifty little thing with a massive impact. To properly appreciate a conceit, you have to extract the metaphor and reread in the lens of that metaphor. There will usually be two meanings, before-conceit and after-conceit.

Here's an example of a very well executed metaphysical conceit:

The Pulley
by George Herbert (1593–1633)

When God at first made man,
Having a glass of blessings standing by,
"Let us," said he, "pour on him all we can.
Let the world’s riches, which dispersèd lie,
Contract into a span."

So strength first made a way;
Then beauty flowed, then wisdom, honour, pleasure.
When almost all was out, God made a stay,
Perceiving that, alone of all his treasure,
Rest in the bottom lay.

"For if I should," said he,
"Bestow this jewel also on my creature,
He would adore my gifts instead of me,
And rest in Nature, not the God of Nature;
So both should losers be.

"Yet let him keep the rest,
But keep them with repining restlessness;
Let him be rich and weary, that at least,
If goodness lead him not, yet weariness
May toss him to my breast."

So whoopty-doopity-doo, right? Well, this poem has a conceit to it. And it's the title. And it will explain everything.

Moving through this poem, we see that God makes man and bestows pleasure upon him. He puts all the pleasures and beauty, and finally, Himself at the end of it all. The conceit, as is typical with all metaphysical conceit poems, is revealed at the end: "If goodness lead him not, yet weariness may toss him to my breast."

My response to this poem was, "This sounds like hell." And I didn't speak up in class because I didn't want to be labeled "the religious kid" but meh. But I was right.

What's a "pulley?" It's a torture device.

"If goodness lead him not, yet weariness my toss him to my breast."

I write in conceits. Every bit of fiction I've ever written has been under some kind of metaphor that points to a Criticism or some philosophy. Even Istana and Warriors of Chrysaal are not free from conceit. Frankly, the conceit is what a lot of readers tend to miss or get wrong. It's not easy at all and sometimes a metaphor can be too well hidden to be properly pulled out. Sometimes this conceit is evident in paintings, even. It may look like people laying in a park, but it may really have been about classism. Sometimes it's just very poorly portrayed. (Other times, it needs to be studied out.)

So after I write a story, I tend to go back and make an annotated edition to explain the symbols present.

And speaking of Symbols, I'll now move on to those.


What symbols do you use, and why so many? ;_;

Well, I love symbols. It's one of the ways I can attach meaning to something. Why so many? It's because I believe everything has meaning so maybe it's possible that almost anything has a meaning. >_> But no, the blue curtains are blue because they happen to be blue unless they're blue because of something else. Most symbolism in my writing is based around people. Seek for the explanations related to a character regarding items. Example:

The curtains are violet in Veikko's home. Holy carp, yes. Purple is a common Terminan culture color, and if you've ever been inside Veikko's home, you know that it's super-Terminan in there. So Terminan it almost hurts. (Why violet? See footnote A.)

If these curtains are violet because Veikko wanted them to be, other than to match the color scheme, then they'd be a symbol. But they're like that because Veikko was like "Meh. Purple's not a bad color." However, look at his arras and then there's two layers of symbolism: Limited and Applied (these are my terms). Limited symbols would be the things on the arras as they are meant inside the universe, while Applied symbols are symbols that are used to have a meaning to us on the outside of the story, regarding the story. Symbols can be both Limited and Applied. I tend to use symbols that meet both requirements.

So I take a bucket of liquid symbolism and just pour it over the story. To start noticing my brand of symbolism, start looking at things as they are related to characters and as they are related to society and whatever transcendental metaphor may be present.

---

A - The curtains being violet is not a symbol. Purple, however, IS a symbol in Terminan culture. Just like it is for us, purple/violet is a royal color. Since Terminan culture is seated on Trinism, where Trinus (God) is the King. The ruler. In fact, the whole Terminan color scheme: blood red, warm purple, gold, soft blue, and white (white is the rarest), is based around Trinism. Blood red is sacrifice, purple is royalty, gold is wealth in spirit (NOT possessions), blue is water/life, and white is purity.

So here's an interesting topic of discussion:

Is it better to feel or to be numb, even if what we feel is bad?

My personal answer is to feel, even if it really sucks. I've been sick for two, nearing three, weeks. I have crazy sinus stuff and my throat is pretty awful. I'm taking some benzocaine lozenges and coughing is a weird experience. I cough and don't feel it except in my much lower throat and diaphragm. But I hate it. >_> I don't like feeling nothing. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. I mean, pain is something that I can enjoy, but I don't want it. Any actually good feeling is better than pain.

Feeling nothing is a different kind of pain, however. One that I think worries us because it is a symbol of something missing from our body or character. If we're numb to what happens around us, isn't it us that has the deficiency, then? If we're feeling less, then we're missing something. If we're unresponsive to the things around us, then it is our hard hearts and unfeeling mind, right?

Sure, there are some instances where numbness is preferred over extreme instances of pain. My surgery a long time ago had me under ridiculous medications in an attempt to stave off "the most painful surgery and recovery we perform [at the hospital]." Literally crippling pain. Strangely enough, the ordeal reminded me that I was still alive, and the ordeal helped me feel better about the future, since sudden death is no longer a worry for me.

In regards to my own existence, I sometimes think a little suffering is good for the soul. Fasting and other old practices people used to do was for tempering themselves. I haven't fasted intentionally, and I've only known [edit: two others] who did it. Is anybody interested in fasting with me for a day?

Life's all kinds of up-and-down. We can't ignore the fact that somethings in life are less pleasurable or not pleasurable at all. We should take those opportunities that we can't resolve, and use them as opportunities to grow.

Sometimes the trough of depression comes with the mania, and sometimes that can't be avoided and well, we can be helped through it. And if you're one of those searching for signs, there's a sine right there. :P

(This is a summary I'm making by pointing to a few passages. There are more, trust me.)

I'm still growing as a person. I'm still learning. I've only been alive twenty years and I've only been a Christian eight years, and a serious one for three. I'm not perfect, I'll never be perfect while I remain here, and that is not an excuse. I try my best and I'm always trying to be better and more loving and more caring.

If I EVER slip up, or ANYTHING of the like, bring it to me and accuse me of it so I may correct myself and fix the wrong I have done.

All are ESV.

Philippians 2:1-8
¹So if there is any encouragement in Christ,
any comfort from love,
any participation in the Spirit,
any affection and sympathy,
²complete my joy by being of the same mind,
having the same love,
being in full accord and of one mind.
³Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit,
but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.
⁴Let each of you look not only to his own interests,
but also to the interests of others.
⁵Have this mind among yourselves,
which is yours in Christ Jesus,
⁶who, though he was in the form of God,
did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped,
⁷but emptied himself,
by taking the form of a servant,
being born in the likeness of men.
⁸And being found in human form,
he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death,
even death on a cross.


1st Peter 2:1
¹So put away all malice and all deceit
and hypocrisy and envy and all slander.

11-12
¹¹Beloved,
I urge you as sojourners and exiles
to abstain from the passions of the flesh,
which wage war against your soul.
¹²Keep your conduct among the Gentiles honorable,
so that when they speak against you as evildoers,
they may see your good deeds
and glorify God on the day of visitation.


1st Corinthians 13
¹If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels,
but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
²And if I have prophetic powers,
and understand all mysteries and all knowledge,
and if I have all faith,
so as to remove mountains,
but have not love,
I am nothing.
³If I give away all I have,
and if I deliver up my body to be burned,
but have not love,
I gain nothing.
⁴Love is patient and kind;
love does not envy or boast;
it is not arrogant
⁵or rude.
It does not insist on its own way;
it is not irritable or resentful;
⁶it does not rejoice at wrongdoing,
but rejoices with the truth.
⁷Love bears all things,
believes all things,
hopes all things,
endures all things.
⁸Love never ends.
As for prophecies, they will pass away;
as for tongues,they will cease;
as for knowledge, it will pass away.
⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part,
¹⁰but when the perfect comes,
the partial will pass away.
¹¹When I was a child,
I spoke like a child,
I thought like a child,
I reasoned like a child.
When I became a man,
I gave up childish ways.
¹²For now we see in a mirror dimly,
but then face to face.
Now I know in part;
then I shall know fully,
even as I have been fully known.
¹³So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three;
but the greatest of these is love.


Romans 1:16
¹⁶For I am not ashamed of the gospel,
for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes,
to the Jew first and also to the Greek.


Hebrews 12:14
¹⁴Strive for peace with everyone,
and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord.

I do not compartmentalize myself. I ABHOR it in others. It ticks me off. >_<

(This is a very negative post. Ignore it if you don't want downerFox (me) to ruin it.)

I remember writing in my first year of college, three years ago. I got into some very bad stuff and hit an extreme low-point. So low that I had imagined notes and things I would say before I wanted to throw myself off the science halls.

The issue was derived from how empty existence was; a conflict that I've still been unable to resolve for the last years, and one that many philosophers have been able to resolve. I hated living; I hated that life has no meaning. I hated that everything is meaningless. I hated that everything we build up falls right back down. Nothing was permanent. Any meaning that exists is a matter of opinion.

That is where I was. That is where I would still be.

I was told then, and I constantly see it, that it doesn't matter whatever you do, just as long as it makes you happy. The issue is that happiness doesn't stay so we become addicted to it as our bodies are prone to do. We surround ourselves with pleasures and sex and porn and drugs and alcohol and vanity and possessions and we all the miss the point and that is why we ignore the question of meaning altogether. Most of us.

A lot of us don't even care for the answer.

If you look at statistics, suicide rates are higher where materialism is prominent. Suicide rates in youth dipped down around year 2000 and increased right back up to a new high. There are all sorts of crazy things going on nowadays and it's summed up as "Do whatever makes you happy."

Well, I tried and it didn't work. I'm only here because I knew something was wrong.

I just remember someone telling me once, "You'll have lived a happy life if you die before your lover." Well, frankly, that was troubling to me. If there's nothing after life then it doesn't really matter anyway, right?

I don't know. People put too much worth in the little things, like sex and money and porn. It doesn't matter to me if I die a virgin or that nonsense. My value and worth is placed elsewhere.

So how do we combat this inherent worthlessness? Especially if all we do is just chance and predetermined by physics?

How many of us base our lives off of five-minute feelings?

No matter what I say or what I do, people are going continue doing the awful things they do.

In previous poems I had stated things like "Careless to the damage you've caused" and 100% meant it. There are people who just don't care about the things they do and that... well...

There's no more communication between me and some people. Instead, I just get front row seats, sitting among my doubts, watching them continue on. People that call me "friend" do this every now and then. Does that even mean anything to anyone anymore? Does "Christian" mean nothing? Has church just become a place you go to for feel-goods instead of a place of learning and transformation?

Fffffffrak I'm so bothered by this.

I'm just stuck sitting on my hands. I can't do this, I really can't. I'm helpless.

This semester has been bad. Very bad. It's wearing me thin and I'm trying my hardest, but it appears I cannot do well in any of my classes.

I also feel as if I'm failing all of you guys. I can't keep up. I'll be online less and less... and I feel as if I've done something that was a huge mistake.

Again, I walked into something with the wrong perception and I feel I'm just making things worse for myself. If things go as I expect them to, I'll be worse off, but at least it won't ever happen again.

Sorry for dancing around the topic and not addressing or stating it, but I'm not comfortable discussing it with anyone.

Be on the lookout for stress-writings. They'll be coming up soon. (Should I submit them or keep them as journals?)