^{We lose faith in things unseen, unsure of what to believe. Just dying to be loved when love's right in front of us. We give up on our hopes and dreams, and let doubt take everything. The door will open when we realize we don't hold the key! I tried to save myself but I failed! - Memphis May Fire}

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There's only so far I can drag myself before I begin to question where I'm going. Right now, I feel pretty lost, with the map in one hand and a broken compass in the other. I can't say things are getting any better, but the weight on my mind is getting larger and it is becoming more and more necessary to make it readily apparent that I'm in turmoil.

The Summer's always been a crazy time for me for as long as I can remember. School's out, family's in, and everybody wants to do things and, being an introvert, it has always driven me up the walls.

Have you ever had that sensation that you've tried your best and you came up short? That crushing blow that smashes your heart and makes your chest turn cold? Your throat turns into a rock and your eyes begin to water. For a moment, your blood turns to ice and everything seems to slow down, at least in your mind.

Years later, your mind replays it when you're feeling weak.

The last three-ish years have been a long trial. Perhaps to see if I can pull myself through or not. Or, rather, to see if I am capable of piecing myself back together. I've been working on rewriting how I am and how I'll be like I am just a script, a faulty biomechanism in need of fixing.

I came up short and it cost me almost everything.

I lack the skills to make myself whole and to make myself better. I lack the integrity to pick up my broken dreams from the last couple of years. I lacked the perception to recognize what a person is. More importantly, I lacked the attention span to realize who I was.

Everybody who is reading this has or has had the "pleasure" of meeting me has met me within the last three years. This marks the beginning of the change in my personality and the downfall of my structure. Slowly, but surely, changes in values and the weight I put in my endeavors eventually made it collapse and crush me underneath.

I tried to think that every question has an answer and that I could find it, and frankly, it didn't work. While I think evidentialism is great, it is utterly hopeless. It contradicts itself in that it operates solely on a self-justifying logical loop. Evidentialism is true if evidence solely makes things true.

But the heart doesn't need evidence solely to operate. I used to know this. This is why I stopped becoming an atheist. Much less, I had tried to convince myself of things that were never able to be justified with evidence.

And here I am, realizing that the same trap is causing me to freeze up. And to get out, I was sacrificing pieces of myself, in the same manner animals will chew off their own limbs to escape.

I had let up on my dreams and hopes, and I'm wallowing in the wreckage of them, wondering if I should try to take them up again.

But I'm going to take some time to ask questions and I don't want your answers or your solutions. Sorry, but people thinking they have the answers only supported my fall into this situation or hurt me more. It fueled my thinking that I could know everything, as if the bits of the reality of those around me could form a mosaic. It doesn't work that way. That mural will never be solid as long as we are living and that is just something we have to understand and accept.

I will be looking for what I can and can't do with my life in the coming days. I'm smart enough to know that I don't know everything. I guess it was just a piece of maturing that proved that I need to accept that I won't even know most things.

But I was wrong. You paid the price more than I did.

I just need to live for what's good and see what I can do from here.

It's not about finding the answers, but what questions we are asking.

This is probably going to be my last post for a long time.

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How do we decide what is right and wrong? How do we determine what is good and bad? Why does it matter?

These questions are vital because man was "gifted" with a moral intuition that drives his need to know the difference for right and wrong. But altogether, morality itself presents conflict between man.

The "prime difficulty," as presented by one of my school textbooks and by a few philosophers I met in person, is that everyone's sense of right and wrong, good and bad, are different, and they conflict. If they were all the same, there would not be debate, not be fighting, not be crime. The amount of worth we give to rules ultimately provides the dividing line between men. It is why there are political parties, it is why there is violence.

Ultimately, the "freedom" provided to us by the fruits a long time ago are what's going to be the death of us.

This grayscale spectrum between men is why some men advocate for peace and why some men are the reason for the death of upward of sixty million people. The "good" person is only "good" while someone thinks he is good. It is merely a matter of opinion. Our culture has been able to instill a pretty decent moral intuition into its young who grow up here, but looking at the incredible amounts of murder, we can tell that people still will have different systems. It is also, why, when examined closely, no one has the right to call someone else wrong or right. And speaking of rights, they are merely opinion as well.

There are people who think of us as animals. There are people who think of us as gods. As things are, neither have to true to treat anyone like either an animal or a god. The worth between people is merely dependent upon what people want and what they feel.

It is the fruit of relativism, frankly. It is man trying to achieve perfection while denying it is possible.

This is why I advocate for Christianity so hard.

Christianity itself provides a sempiternal system of right and good.

When I was much younger, as this story goes as told by my dad, I asked him "Why are there people in suffering if people could fix it?" or something to that effect. Why is there any bad at all? At the time of that question, I was an atheist and had no understanding of what good and wrong meant in the grand scale, I was merely concerned with being a good person to myself.

The conflict was brought up in my mind for a long time... Why should I buy a video game when there are people out there suffering and starving? $60 could feed a village if it's in the right hands.

Frankly, I ended up doing mission trips with my church to help those I could.


...But in the weight of this darkness I felt small. It is because I am. I am literally a small human being unable to fix the world by himself.

And... in this world... in order to help those people I have to convince others that their time is better spent with helping others. Do any of you see how heartbreaking that is? People are dying because of our selfishness, greed, and gluttony.

What is right and wrong needs to be separate from our opinion. It is not just my opinion, it is necessity.

The question becomes "How can I do the most good for God" instead of "How can I do what I feel is most right as I am feeling it now?" God demands that we minimize negative utility and do what we can to maximize the positive utility (love) while keeping our intentions clean and minds clear.

That is not easy, that will never be easy. It will make us a "good" person in the eyes of God, while it is our belief in Him that will determine our place.

I mentioned, in a conversation last night, that the reason for denominations/separations was because people were bringing their opinions into their Church and not the other way around. Instead of holding to the ultimate divider of good and bad, the Bible, they bicker over what part of the Bible best suits them and ignore the rest or pretend that the rest doesn't matter. People don't understand the difference between the Old Covenant and the New Covenant, and the Bible's reasons for sin. It doesn't matter, to some, about the justification behind any of it.

But I am driven to write this with a somber mind and a smashed heart. The reason I do what I do is because I think I can maximize the good utility as best I can later in life, not because it provides the most good at the moment. I could explain in detail, but I do not feel the want to.

All I want and need to do is to love people, but in the last year or so I have bastardized myself to the point that I no longer can grasp the concepts of love. I have been so heartbroken and damaged by the world that it is leaking in and I can barely feel the desire to do good or bad anymore.

If I broke down, submitted to relativism, I would become a shade of who I am. The "Curo" you see now would cease to exist, simply because this knowledge of right and wrong and good and bad will be lost and I would be wildly in support of whatever feels good.

Frankly, pain, drugs, vain affection, and sex are all that feel good to me. I would become one of the worst wrecks you would probably ever see.

But I can't ditch this. It is my duty as a Christian to love others and I can't simply give in to my desires and hurt the ones I love.

All the vanity and self-glorification we want. Fame, glory, satisfaction, attention. Pride.

I have had my trust betrayed simply too many times to keep stretching it out again. Each time it gets cut, it cuts deeper. And I'm freaking ticked.

If all the foud ton ka shey that have done this even cared, I wouldn't be here writing this journal at 0002.

If I could just be perfect for everyone as they want, things would be great, right? No, I'd just be prostituting myself off for feelings of friendship and companionship that goes about as far as my weak and damaged body could throw them.

If I could just have everyone realize that other humans beings are actually people and have their own wants and worries and things happening in their life... You don't know it all, do you? I don't.

I know I can't keep this up.

If I call you a friend, I'm not joking around. You don't just get to leave, and you don't just get to play the blame game.

I don't whore myself out for others.

I love writing, I love theology, I love philosophy, but I'm tired of constantly having to defend my viewpoints twenty-four-seven, fifty-two weeks a year. It really sucks knowing that fundamental education in philosophy would prevent most of these from happening.

I need a break. Unfortunately, a break is something I will not get. The purpose of technology is to be convenient, and the more convenient it is, the more accessible it is. And accessibility is typically a two-way street.

The internet allows for external conflict to be brought directly into an internal environment. Homes, jobs, etc. The cons that come with the pros, I guess.

Here it is guys! My big post about Gay Marriage!

It turns out I want nothing to do about this subject.

What's important, however, is the distinction between a legal procedure and a holy union between a man and a woman before God.

Regardless, this whole deal has been blown out of proportion and has become more destructive than it is constructive.

I will keep my opinion/deliberations private as it has already been made apparent that opposing gay marriage is justification for death threats and physical/verbal violence.

You have no idea.

I'll be doing that. I'll be writing for the  cff page.

So yeah. I'll be trying for weekly writings which I will re-post back here, aight?

In the context of the Bible, defiling has to do with the violation of sexual purity or the desecration of holy things. Virginity is one of those things that is considered holy. In fact, the sexual nature of a human is to be revered and protected. It's one of the things that a human inherently has that ties into the creation of life. The Bible puts it on a pedestal and creates morality involving it because it is so special and so inherent to the nature of the human.

Things like sex before marriage and etc. is defiling of one's sexual nature. They become "spoiled" or ruined.

Violence of a sexual nature tends to be one of the most disruptive forces in one's life. Things like pregnancy can result at the hands of a sexually violent person*. One can be severely injured by the act, both emotionally and physically. Emotional injury lasts a long time and is one of those feedback loops that will cause more and more injury later on. Some who know me know I used to inflict self-injury, mostly because I enjoyed it and became addicted to it. But depression was always there and it wanted more: it wanted me dead.

Sexual crime exists outside of gender. Males tend to be the ones who commit the crimes and women tend to be the victim. So it's helpful to those who have suffered the extreme cases (where the victims are male and the assailant female) to know that there are those out there who can relate and care.

Recently, I kept thinking about whether or not that actually counts towards someone's sexual purity..

At first glance and within examination, being the victim does not matter. You are still a "virgin" and you're not defiled. You are safe to live a life where sex means true love within the context of marriage and nothing can be called into question. Under no circumstance is being the receiver of sexual crime mean being an active and willing participant.

So you can rest your head and sleep well and know you're safe for the future. It helps me out knowing I can too.

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* - This is a scary and horrifying and disturbing situation. But don't be afraid to make the best of it if you can. It's been done before and don't think that good can't come from a bad situation.

This article lacks value-statements.

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A little while ago, I tried discussing theology with a specific group here on FA. The issue was that we disagreed, and that I failed to correctly apply and provide my arguments. Regardless, after we agreed to disagree (my way of saying I’m not wholly done yet), one of the people I knew from college decided to take things into his own hands, make an FA account, and approach them. While I don’t condone his actions then and what he did afterward*, I did manage to glean some information from his and their encounters in notes. However, from that point on to now, I have come across glaring philosophical contradictions about the quadrilateral and the contradictions of that group to their own methodology.

I was initially excited to hear about the Quadrilateral as I love theology all around. I love hearing about different ways that people study the Word of God. But, however, I was disappointed that it was so contradicting to both philosophy (love of wisdom and discernment of truth) and their own actions. As I grew in my studies and brought in ethics and philosophy, I realized just how poorly this Quadrilateral stands up for examining Christian theology. I admit that I may not have true knowledge of how the Quadrilateral is meant to be applied. The people who I learned it from contradict it so much I doubt they are giving an honest or complete description of the Quadrilateral. However, previous mentions from older theologians about “Wesleyans” have suggested that “Wesleyans” have been bonkers throughout history. So honestly, I’m working off of what I have been shown by people who admit to be Wesleyans.

I figured I would start by paraphrasing the points offered in the group’s description and then pointing out the philosophical issues. These issues are fundamental in nature and, in my own opinion, extremely dangerous for any considerations of God.

Scripture:
Frankly what the Bible says in the matter, but with a catch. Wesleyan philosophy here rejects the idea of viewing the Bible holistically. “Proof texting (using one of two verses to build an argument or focusing on isolated passages) can lead to distorted and sick forms of religion.” The group also suggests that the Bible is “silent” on matters, but later I will get to this. The last part of their description relies on “revelation” for seeking the mind of Christ. The only good sounding thing about this is that it’s supposed to involve Christ, but even this sells God short.

I dare not say that using an isolated passage if there are more is any bit of “proof texting.” However, building a Biblical case on an entire subject by viewing all of the verses is the only logical path to discovering what God wants regarding any subject. Their view of the Bible discounts that any theological progress can be made, suggests relativism instead, and denies there being any truth. Lastly, as supported by both C.S. Lewis and me, all sin and evil (as from The Screwtape Letters) comes from false revelation and lack or denial of knowledge that God has offered or is offering us.

There is a lot about the Bible that Christ was not involved in. However, if we view God as the triune being he is, then the entire Bible would be necessary to look at, as Jesus is the Second Person of the Trinity. It would be absolutely foolish to ignore God on matters he wants us to hear about. Lastly, the group I’m referring to completely contradicts Christ’s own words at the minimum, twice, with their theology. This is without any direct study into their own theology. I can assume more than twice from viewing some of their journals. Lastly, they suggested that things should be applied in a “Christ-like” manner, which they have done the opposite of.

Also, the Bible may not include certain matters, but through studying the Bible, we can glean the Godly discernment that God has given us. My current examination of transhumanist ethics would suggest that this type of examination and learned discernment is utterly important. God gave us more than some are willing to credit to Him, apparently.

Tradition:
The fact that they have tradition on here is absolutely absurd in their own regards. “What do the traditions of the church down through time, and the lessons of history in general tell us? We should glean the best from the past, and respect the wisdom of generations which have preceded us.”

I’m going to say this is perhaps the most contradictory clash between them and Christianity. They have ignored the stance of the Early Church and the actions of Christ in the culture He was in, history, and even called Christianity (up to this point) wrong for teaching Doctrines that come from the Bible itself. On top, they participated in a non-Christian ritual that is in contradiction to Jesus’ own words. If anything, the group itself suggests that tradition is completely and wholly wrong in every step of the way, even before Jesus, given their approach on the Bible and history.

Reason:
“Reason requires that we use our minds to ask if what we believe makes sense.” Sounds great so far. Then this: “As we address any theological issue we must ask: Is it logical, fair to all concerned, simple and straight forward in its approach and sound minded at its foundation.” Uhmm... “Science tells us how, religion tells us why. The two need not be at odds. Reason holds them together in creative tension and constructive partnership. We need not turn off our minds when we enter the spiritual realm and ask religious questions. God is the giver of all knowledge, whatever the source. We can and should use the disciplines of psychology, sociology, biology, archeology, and anthropology in our formation of Christian theology.” Alright, back to being good again, despite there being an unspoken catch.

Firstly, all Christian theology should have no issues being combined with honest and truthful science. As an evidentialist, I say this is absolutely necessary for building up a healthy theology. I would only suggest that the only time reality should be inconsistent is for a miracle, something of which the Bible itself acknowledges is unusual and special. However, being a computer scientist and having examined and participated in studies, I can point out that even scientists have screwed up their own experiments in favor of their own goals or opinions. Even something as rigid as computer science can fall to false methodology. Rather, I only suggest believing in science if the phenomenological laws proved by literal and empirical studies are accurate and truthful. That is rarer than it sounds.

However, this part in the quadrilateral falls to opinion/relativism like the last two. “Fairness,” when actually fair, is great. But it’s rare, and this group has made it obvious they’re not interested in fair theology. The word “simple” is and of itself an opinion. What is simple to me is not simple to others. There is no objective definition for “simple” that can be derived. When looking at this group’s posts, I see the complete lack of solid science or any science at all. It is not good to mix science, an objective study based on physical reality, with opinion- especially on theological matters. Modern militant atheists show with their actions what I am implying.

Experience:
At first glance, this is what indicated that the Quadrilateral was deceptive or insufficient. Immediately, the error in its logic is found: “Within the context of our own experience how does a particular prove its relevancy and accuracy?” <- “Since theology is meant to be applied to daily life, how do our thoughts about God and ourselves bring about constructive solutions, loving relationships and positive faith. If our beliefs are divisive, oppressive, permissive, or compulsive they will not bring a wholesome balance to our lives. Since faith without works is dead, we must constantly judge the quality of our theology against its practicality in daily life. Experience helps us put things first. Often times, practical experience and application become the key to making theology relevant and dynamic.”

There is so much wrong wrapped up in this paragraph. Basically, it suggests that theology is relative to our own life experiences. The issue here is that this is applying past experience with theology. This is limiting theology to whatever works for us. Immediately, that throws out anything that we don’t like since anything we don’t like is impractical to our emotional nature. Practicality itself is an opinion. However, this group’s beliefs and their actions have been incredibly divisive to me and others, oppressive to me (and probably others)**, permissive of Biblically sinful actions, and of recently, been of a completely compulsive nature. If anything, this Quadrilateral would suggest that their theology is wrong in every category.

I cannot recommend the Quadrilateral to be sufficient for any kind of examination after what I have been shown. However, if you have a point and would like to argue, feel free to do so in the comments***.

And regarding the group itself: I don’t hate LGBT people. I really don’t. I have no personal stock in whether or not homosexuality/polygamy is allowed. I simply don’t care. The issue comes from evidentialism. If you are not willing to argue that homosexuality is approved of and backed by the Bible, then I will maintain whatever point has the most evidence and truth for it. So far, there has not been any solid case for homosexuality and its permissiveness in the Bible.

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* - Dropped out of college between semesters, deactivated his Facebook account, changed his number, then ranted about how some Christians don’t really believe in their God before becoming unreachable. As far as I can tell, he was complaining about the group in discussion here and a group that was local to his home somewhere in the state of Missouri. For that last part, I don’t know what he was referring to. “Back home” isn’t very descriptive.

** - Just try to start a conversation or theological discussion with them and have a contrasting view. I’ve already been blocked once for bringing a Biblical case to their page. They’ve made it readily apparent to me that they’re not up to being told they're wrong and not up to defending their view. I can only glean from these experiences that their view has failed and does not stand up, and as such use their authority as a page owner to simply block those who advocate Biblical and Godly truth.

*** - Just be nice, be honest, and state your points and evidence clearly.

Hey guys, I gathered up my information and here are the results:

Votes:
Starlight: 1
Istana: 6
Metropolis: 2

NOT using first or second person, player/reader made characters, and journals.

I WILL be doing weekly stuff, through submissions. Each ends with a decision of some sort.

I MIGHT pick a popular vote for whatever open-ended situations we may have.

Expect PG-13 stuff, aight?

ONE:
So I'm thinking about doing something: an episodic writing that ends with a decision or an open-ended prompt polling the viewers (you lads) for suggestions for the character to do. I'll pick the one I like, is most voted for, or at random. :3

I was thinking of many different stuffs. I have a ton of universes that I could use:
An unofficial GXC:Starlight one. (Hard low sci-fi, anthros and humans.)
A pair of medieval ones. (Low fantasy.)
The Istana campaigns. (High fantasy. Medieval. Anthros, ferals, magical/fantasy beings, and humans.)
Metropolis. (High Science Fantasy. Anthros, humans, aliens.)

Content advisories are for violence/blood, maybe language, suggestive themes. Plus whatever happens afterward. I doubt anything too suggestive or too sexual will ever happen.

Thoughts? Ideas?

Should we decide a few characters and storylines? Should we have a few player-made characters? First-person, third-person, second-person? Journals or submissions?

I might do this weekly on a regular schedule. Or twice a week. Or something. Anyway, I want it to be fun or audience-involved.

TWO:
I've been offered a position to write weekly for a Christian page here on FA. I don't know if I should or not. Do you guys think I would be good for it?

This song got Lecrae in a bit of publicity trouble, but he doesn't care. And honestly neither do I because the message is important.

I'm not going to post the lyrics in this journal, but instead link to an annotated edition on rapgenius. Take a gander if you like.

http://rapgenius.com/Lecrae-church-clothes-lyrics

Here's the video for it, if you want to watch it. It is rap, so listen if you want.

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Christians are hypocrites. It's the nature of humans to be hypocritical, despite worldview. You can't call someone a hypocrite without being hypocritical yourself. I typically refuse to call people hypocrites because it's calling them human.

However, this is no excuse, especially for us Christians. This is not written to defend the church. It's to announce that we have a problem.

Although a Christian being a hypocrite is actually a state-of-being, it's not justified. Christians are sinners like everyone else and they do wrong like everyone else. There is no point in trying to avoid being one, because it's inevitable.

The Christian Church has serious issues. I'm not talking about theological splinters and dangers caused by modern heresies. I'm talking about the self-righteousness and godlessness that pervades the church. I'm talking about unwarranted judgment.

Why should anyone go to church and be a Christian if we're all douchebags? If a Christian is all someone sees of God, then it should be the objective to be unrelenting with the amount of love we give off. Otherwise, we aren't doing it right. I'd say we're missing the mark.

Our hypocrisy, if we're not striving to change it or get better, is the mark that we're not receiving or showing the Grace of God.

It's about time we start owning up.

Judgment:
It's within Christian theology that Christians are allowed to make statements about the characters of other Christians. This is a criticism-based judgment, but it's meant for Christians towards Christians, and is never meant to be abusive*. No Man gets to decide who does and doesn't go to Hell; that's God's job. We're supposed to be loving and caring to those around us...

The only instance (I believe) where it is okay to be judgmental is in regard to action, and Christians should be reserved. I still prefer to judge the actions themselves and not the person when those cases arise. Anything superficial, like color, clothes, sexuality, and etc. I don’t care about. What you do matters.

People probably have been through, or are going through, something incredibly difficult. At the least, you should offer patience, even in the face of hate. That’s an image of God you’re talking to. Respect is a must.

The objective is to glorify God and raise others up, not spit in God’s face and tear each other down.

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*There is a marked difference between constructive and deconstructive criticism. It’s not hard to tell the difference when you’re the one speaking, unless you’re absolutely blind to what you’re doing (Westboro Baptist Church says what they are doing they’re doing out of love, for example). But, due to social limitations, it’s hard to tell a difference, especially over a text medium.

Note: Anyone who knows me knows I flip out over heresy. This is my struggle. I suppose this comes from my evidentialist/holistic viewpoint on Christian Theology and that I tend to get frustrated with things I consider simple.

No.

...is both scary and comforting.

All of the writings I deem worthy are being transferred to my personal site, where there is a plethora of information either in writing or in drafts. If you want the link, shoot me a message. Else, you can't find it, sorry*.

FA is a very unfriendly place for someone like me, as some of you probably know. Regardless, it has gotten to the point where there is no benefit to anyone for my presence here. That stated, I'm going to a place where there is more control over content- my own site. Everything on this site is open to critique or examination, so if you have questions about anything, contact me, capiche?

*-crawlers are banned.

[Unedited, p1]
We all know what morals are and most of us don't really think about it too much. Before I took a dive into ethics I never put much thought into what is right and wrong. The purpose of this journal is to talk about moral systems in relation to secularism and to Christianity for a Christian audience.

What is morality?
Morals are integrated into humanity and they are very important to us in a great portion of our lives. It's where laws and our concepts of "good" and "bad" come from. There are many different ethical systems. Generally, they are Rights-Based, Consequentialism/Utilitarianism, and Deontology/Kantianism. These systems rely on what's called a "moral intuition" to define a good and bad beforehand that way the systems themselves can make judgments about right and wrong. All three of these are similar to each other in the sense that they rely upon the moral intuition and the decision between right and wrong.

In ethics, there are three ways to categorize an action:
Morally required – You are morally required to do this action, it is wrong to not do it.
Morally permissible – You are morally allowed to do this action, but you don’t have to.
Morally impermissible – Doing this action is wrong, not doing it is good.

Considerations for justifications are based off of questions:
Normative questions – How things should be.
Descriptive questions – How things are in a given situation.

Where does morality get its authority?
There are several ways to "justify" a moral system, but all moral systems depend on where the justification of it comes from. Deontology, Utilitarianism, and Rights-Based ethics all depend upon the intuition, that actions are wrong and right and it's a learned behavior (this is a "Culture" based authority). Not all moral systems rely upon this. The two other common authority based theories are Egoism* (unfortunately) and God/Religion. Egoism is pretty straightforward, you determine what’s right and wrong by how much it benefits you. God and Religion based ethics have good and bad determined by some higher authority.

What are those three systems?
The description of these systems will make evident the need for a proper justification for actions.

Deontology - Deontology is the “...branch dealing with duty, moral obligation, and right action.¹ ” This field of ethics is determined upon whether the intention is just or not. Kantianism is a type of deontology focused entirely on the intention. In other words, it is solely the intention behind an action that determines if it was morally just or not, not whether or not the action itself is good or bad. Kantianism interjects that actions are morally unjust if you end up using a person as a means to an end, i.e. “using” someone.

Consequentialism – Consequentialism is “the theory that human actions derive their moral worth solely from their outcomes or consequences” or “the theory that ethical decisions should be made on the basis of the expected outcome or consequences of the action.² ”This is perhaps the simplest moral system of them all. It’s pretty easily self-defined by its name alone. Utilitarianism is the moral theory that best describes this category, as utilitarianism is making decisions and determining actions depending entirely on their outcomes. Also doesn’t matter if the action itself is good or bad, or what the intention truly is.

Rights-Based Ethics – This set of ethics justifies or condemns actions based upon whether or not they betray the rights that are given to someone. There is not a whole lot to this section, but it interesting how it is viewed in normal ethics.

What moral system do I use? Which do you?
I would deny to following any one system, I’ll explain this later. However, you may have noticed that you also don’t follow any one system. A lot of moral decisions are utilitarian in nature, regarding the outcomes as the justification for making a decision. At the same time, you’d probably want to avoid using someone you know, or anyone. It’s almost impossible to live a life using only one system; the systems overlap heavily. For example, a Kantian would justify an action as impermissible if it uses someone as an end, but at the same time, the statement that something is impermissible and therefore can’t be done is utilitarian in the sense that less bad is done and thus actually doing the action is a utilitarian decision.

The “Prime Difficulty” of Ethics and Morals (and many ways of thinking in science and philosophy):
Almost all moral systems are relative in nature, meaning that the parameters of good and bad can change (and trust me, they do). This is one of the most frustrating and hard to swallow parts of ethics, since a good action can be good but someone else could define it as wrong and both would be right. But that can’t happen; that’s a contradiction. That is, however, exactly what relative ethics says. It implies that progress can’t be made because all moral systems are perfect, even if they contradict with one another. It is this state of contradiction that creates anxiety in the field of ethics. This is cultural authority based ethics. This is what most of us use. The irony is that ethicists criticize Rights-based ethicists because the “inherent rights” are determined solely on opinion- the same way right and wrong is determined with the rest of ethicists.

Alternative to Relativism:
The only truth system aside from Relativism is Absolutism. In ethics, this would imply that certain actions are always wrong. However, absolutism itself presents a difficulty: Where do absolute morals come from? They don’t come anywhere, actually, unless good and bad are permanently designated somewhere. This doesn’t happen in cultures, ethical egoists die at some point (and even before then, it applies only to themselves), and they don’t just magically appear (everyone’s moral intuition is different).

The only possible origin of absolute justification or outlined right and wrong would have to be defined outside of humanity. Religions make this supposition and it’s one of the reasons why they must be examined so closely. God (or gods) define what is wrong or right and thus those actions are always wrong or right.

Christianity:
Christianity is an example of absolute ethics. It states that certain actions are crimes against God and men so certain actions are wrong. Since morality is a social interface, Christian morals are three-fold: you can commit evils against nature, against man, and against God Himself (which includes all evils). Thus, the actions the Bible outlines as evil are always sin. Although Christianity is an absolute authority based ethical system, it does not depend on one process of justification. It is wrong to use someone as a means to end, to waste things, and it is wrong to violate someone’s rights to live, for example.

However, Christian Ethics is an underdeveloped sector of Christian theology and it is often criticized because of this.

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* - Ethical egoism, Egoist ethics
1 - deontology. (n.d.). Dictionary.com Unabridged. Retrieved May 19, 2014, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/deontology
2 - consequentialism. (n.d.). Dictionary.com Unabridged. Retrieved May 19, 2014, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/bro.....nsequentialism

...And they'll go to my personal site!

So I'll maybe just stop with FA altogether? I don't use it for anything.

Also, I'm more than likely straight now, but I don't care about that anyway. Doesn't matter to me.

Expect a bunch of writings at the end of the school year!

It's been a long long time since I last posted a journal. This is just an update.

I know a lot of the people I used to talk to a lot I haven't been talking to.

It's not as much my fault as I wish it were. If it were my fault, then that would mean that I could fix it.

So here's what's up:

My sleep cycle has inverted.

My step-dad lost his job so I'm under a lot of family and financial stress. My college career might end with this semester.

The amount of homework I have crowds over my free time so I'm spending less time online. While writing this journal, I'm acknowledging I'm more than two days behind on homework that's due tomorrow and Thursday.

The rate at which my mental state is deteriorating is making it harder and harder to form sentences in chats and while writing. That being said, it's getting hard to read text. You don't know how many times I've had to reread something six or seven times in order to feel confident that I read it correctly.

I feel incredibly alone, and all this stress is just reminding me of how I feel about a lot of things (and also bringing up bad memories), resulting in more panging sadness and reminiscence of heartbreak.

My increasing unease is starting to make me feel constantly ill from emotional stress.

My self-confidence has bottomed out, I want to live in a hole and forget the rest of the world exists.

It's one of those times where I wish I could be around just one person for a while, and currently, there's no one I know that I want in that spot. It carries more implications than I think you might glean from this.


Please have a better week/month/(whatever time period it is until I post again) than I am.

I love you.

All our lives we're told to get
a job and be somebody,
but does anybody know what that means?
We all are equally searching for the
answers to trying questions
so can we look past opinion and acclaim?

---

Band: My Heart To Fear
Album: Algorithm (2013)
Song: Dust to Dust
Lyrics:
Innovative is the title for those who create new ways
to cure boredom and new ways to communicate.
The only reason that we progress technology
is to live long and surplus complacency.

We get all caught up in the pointless things.
Putting our knees to the floor for the TV screen.
Is this another 1945?
Will we make it out alive?

Could this be,
could this be the end of the age?

This is the end of the age,
the towers met the floor.
This is the end of the age,
singing songs of war.

We will overcome,
our sick compulsion to seek acceptance.
We will overcome,
our dependency on the world we hoard.
We will overcome,
our sick compulsion to seek acceptance.
We will overcome,
our very selves in the form we know

All our lives we're told to get
a job and be somebody,
but does anybody know what that means?
We all are equally searching for the
answers to trying questions,
so, can we look past opinion and acclaim?

I went through my midlife crisis at fifteen.
I faked my way and turned out alive.
Turned every corner to hear advertisements.
Turn up the noise.

While you're looking
up ways to market my demographic,
I think I'm too outclassed,
I'll pass on it.

This is the end of the age;
those towers they met the floor.
This is the end of the age;
singing their songs of war.

All our lives we're told to get
a job and be somebody,
but does anybody know what that means?
We all are equally searching for the
answers to trying questions
so can we look past opinion and acclaim?

We will overcome.
We will overcome.
We will overcome.
We will overcome.

...going to write the third part of On the Nature of Knowledge, but...

...I really don't feel like I could write anything.


It's like all the vacations I get are more stressful than school and all the rest. It's terrible. I don't want to start next semester capitulated by anxiety and stress.

Sooooooo, I will talk about this last year.

It's been a long one and I'm not exactly sure where to start, but, I suppose I'll just cover things as they come to my mind.

2013 has been...
...the year I added a grand total of zero words to GXC: Starlight, Warriors of Chrysaal, The Advena Project, Nothing Left, The Cleansing, and a few other stories.
...the year I started working on a medieval themed allegory.
...the year I suffered my greatest emotional trial.
...ended my relationship of three years with my last girlfriend.
...graduated high school and started a degree in computer science.
...had the most painful surgery that can be offered at most hospitals.
...then recovered from that surgery and went to college while still recovering.
...I met a bunch of awesome people whom I'm glad I know.

There are a few other things that happened this year that I'm either not comfortable sharing, were bad, or forgotten.

May this wonderful holiday be pretty awesome for you all!

Celebratin' the Christianized Saturnalia.

Jesus more than likely wasn't really born today, but we still like to think that. ;)

Trigger Warning: This post discusses self-injury, although it does not depict the actions.

(This is about a series of posts that I had written a long time ago, called "Wretch in the Works." I never posted any of them, anywhere. I've decided to go back and look at all of it, and I felt the need to rewrite some of them with new information and insight.)

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Recently, I've spent a ton of time looking at and dealing with addiction. If there's anything ultimately dangerous to Faith, it's Pride or Addiction. Together, those are an even deadlier combo (pride in some sort of addiction).

I suffered from an addiction that was really really unusual, and in the last couple of months, I've gotten over it. It challenged my Faith a bit in it's purpose, because I was trying to justify something that was unholy. And it was awful. But what's worse, I had taken pride in this, because I loved it, I loved the way it made me feel, I loved the pleasure it gave me, and I loved that it made me complacent and happy with where I was.

It's hard to understand, this particular addiction. It wasn't hormones, I don't think. It was an indirect adoration of myself.

I used to hurt myself, in ways that didn't leave scars so I could keep doing it without having any signs I was. In took the form of burning myself with hot water, stabbing my gums, and various other forms (sometimes the deception of keeping other out of knowledge of it made me feel smarter) that I could find. It was a strange thing I did, and I only confessed that I did it to a few people.

The pain brought (non-sexual) pleasure. It made me feel good. It feels like an itch to be scratched, and the sensation of scratching that itch is what I feel with certain types of pain. It tingles and feels good. Basically burns or scratches or anything simple like that. Even somethings I'd do in public, like grab one of the freshly cleaned plates that come out feeling like they were forged in Mt. Doom (along with the One Ring).

I had embraced this activity for years, and I had even tried to justify my actions with theology.

I had made this mistake thinking that God was okay with it, and that it didn't matter. I grew up in a conservative home, but all of my friends were really really liberal. [One of my friends] told me that she thought that suicide should be legal and respected, along with all forms of self-injury. "It's their body, they can do whatever they want with it," and I haven't forgotten that. I don't think that's right, I don't think that's fair.

I eventually started to rigorously examine all of my beliefs at about age eight, and then began to look at others at age twelve. Anybody who knows my story knows that in this time period I came to God. I have not since stopped looking at what I believe and why I believe it. If you think I'm critical of someone else's beliefs, you could probably assume I'm more critical about my own first. If I am to be opposed to something, I have to understand why I don't agree first, then I need to understand their argument.

So I thought, when I was younger, that pain was a bad thing and that I was just a messed up kid who was writing stories about space battles (with and without anthros) in his free time. Well, when I started to like pain, I embraced it wholeheartedly. Some of my family members had witnessed my most common type but just summed it up to me being weird. They wouldn't understand that I hurt myself. When someone comes out of a shower, you sometimes expect their skin to be red. Well, I've set off fire alarms three times at home because I've taken showers that hot and opened the door to let the steam out.

I had it in my head, that pain was making me lesser and God greater, in my own eyes.

I had a really interesting view of life: I made myself last in any case I could, and just didn't care what happened to me, because I thought that God wanted the better of it. I didn't know any meta-theology at the time, and I certainly wasn't aware that, philosophically, every action has a judgment behind it. It took me into the last year to realize that last part. I was playing God and making up my own definition of sin. All sin's fine, but when I hurt myself, I'm the exception; that sin's not wrong. This pleasure was away from God and it lured me in.

I did, at the time, have enough discernment to discourage others from hurting themselves. I was the exception to the rule, not them. I didn't put any thought into what that meant for me, and what their escape meant for them. I technically, had thought myself better. Even better than God, since I thought myself capable of rewriting what a crime against Him was.

Demon Hunter's song "Ribcage" is about addiction and how it hurts others. Although mine was very localized and kept on the down low, it still hurt others. It got between me and my friends, me any my family (they still don't know), and it got between me and God. That's low, that's so very low. But this song, I listened to it almost everyday on the way back from school. It took me a long time for me to learn it was about addiction, but up until then, it made me question what I was doing to people.

Few specific lines hit me hard; they were probably one of the specific motivators to get me think about what I was doing? Was JOY (Jesus, Others, Yourself) the thing I had really held myself to growing up? I adored JOY, it was one of the things that I misunderstood. I didn't think my adoration of this had put Jesus or Others first, I thought it was helping putting me back.

But I've matured. I know that addictions and adoration of sin are poisons. I acknowledge this, and I want to keep it away from others, because when addiction is challenged, it gets violent. There's a recent case of that happening, for example. More people redefining God against His Word. More people getting violent. It's not going to get anywhere. When you think your addiction brings you closer to God, and your addiction is not God Himself, then it's a wall between you and Him. I know. I thought I had it all figured out too. I just wished I had realize sooner what I was doing.

Here's the song with lyrics below (this is metal, so if you don't like metal, don't listen):

Lyrics:
All hail the newborn sin
Reject the boundaries and soak the cancer in
Hope kills the filth you crave
So bleed the truth out and fall into that grave
Uphold the brand new skin
Accept the failure, refuse to rise above
Break through the ribcage
And tear the heart out from everyone that you love

Over and over again
We'll bury the shame underneath the lies we breathe
Over and over again
We'll carry the blame for the hell that we can't leave


(Show me) The path that leads into your mind
(Release) The thoughts you lock so deep inside
(Show me) I'm the one who knew this pain
(Release) Before you fall into this again

Behold the loyal slave
His rotting shell now a tomb where death can play
See now his pride caves in
Alone he fights to stop this dark decay
Feed, feed the lust you need
And fainter grows each plea from skies above
Break through the ribcage
And tear the heart out from everyone that you love

Over and over again
We'll bury the shame underneath the lies we breathe
Over and over again
We'll carry the blame for the hell that we can't leave

(Show me) The path that leads into your mind
(Release) The thoughts you lock so deep inside
(Show me) I'm the one who knew this pain
(Release) Before you fall into this again

Building a life out of all that you hate
We see through the front that you tried to create
The world you had hoped for was only a fake
And just like the maggots that made you this way
I know

I know

I know

(Show me) The path that leads into your mind
(Release) The thoughts you lock so deep inside
(Show me) I'm the one who knew this pain
(Release) Before you fall into this again

After last night, I'm going to stop with everything. All the FA journals, activity on Facebook, possibly even time online. I'll still be online, just not as much.

At the moment, I'm trying to keep myself from falling into nihilism. I no longer trust myself with important topics, as I'm taking responsibility.

Please don't ask what caused this, I have issues accepting that it happened. I won't make any promises about anything, but I'm not in the best state and it will take a long time to heal.

(This post uses asterisk and superscript footnotes.)

At the center of the Christian Faith is the Heart itself. It is where all the big battles are fought, with the brain in the second place. Christians are what flies in the face of immoral living. We are not of this world, we do not belong to it^A. We belong to God instead, and therefore we should believe in His will for us.

He has given us very clear and concise instructions on how to live. Many people quote the Bible and cherry pick, which is a big mistake. There should be an obvious reason why Christians don’t go around stoning people for Leviticus. It is because that moral system has been fulfilled and now we live by the other moral guides in the NT which are often repeats of other codes found in the OT.

Now, the objective in Christian morality is not to become a legalist and not to become lawless. Legalism is the over-enforcement of either Christian laws or abuse of authority under the Christian name. We MUST ACCEPT beforehand that obeying God is meaningless if there is no love for God (and consequently, other humans) or faith.

The line has been drawn clearly for us Christians: We must love God with all of ourselves^B, and in doing so, we offer ourselves up to become clay—to be transformed by God into something He can use. And this transformation process is permanent unto the day we die and beyond. No one gets into Heaven by simply believing and making zero effort to gain Divine Perspective (to think like Christ) or to change your ways. No one gets into Heaven by being a do-gooder and not believing. It is both and that action is verily summed in one word:

Repentance. (Such a dangerous sounding word. Trust me, it’s nowhere near as bad as it seems. It’s rather remarkable!)

Repentance is the turning away from sin, it is acknowledgement that you have done wrong, and it is the understanding that since you have done wrong, you must right it. God doesn’t want just part of you^B; not on Sundays, not every night when you commit a ritualistic prayer (that God “won’t hear” if you don’t mean it), not whenever you get a five-minute revelation (which is also false revelation), He wants ALL of you. This means control over everything. God cannot be compartmentalized.

Repentance is the combination of faith and works, when considered as a whole. It is utterly important^C.

If you have the Divine Perspective, you will not ever be the same again. Your life will turn around for the better. You will not have to hold yourself to God’s Law, you will find you already obey it. This means in every aspect of life.

God has given us clear instructions on how to be better through our actions– He has given us His instructions on how to live in order that we may come closer to the Divine Perspective. Without the Divine Perspective it is utterly futile and meaningless to contend for any kind of liberty.

But all this morality stuff… It’s not all… is it? What’s it do for us?

It changes us, but not cosmetically. It changes us from the inside out. It molds so deeply it transforms all. The beauty of the world becomes evident. The worth of every being becomes evident. Every foolish thing we hold onto because of greed and gluttony… it all fades away. Hatred is swept away. Patience, love, virtue, it all becomes a part of us. Vanity switches with humility. It is a miracle of God’s Work that occurs within us all when we attain Divine Perspective!

Instead of seeing the dark around us, we begin to see the light that’s within everything. That is what we are going for: the good in it all. The love we all seek whether we know it or not. Once we attain the Divine Perspective the concepts of good and wrong aren’t just rules anymore— they describe to us the nature of God*.

Yet, this cannot be done if God has not given us the moral system to get there. There’s no condemnation here. God made it very clear that everyone can be saved. It is up to us to head down the harder road that teaches us all the valuable lessons to be learned.

* – We cannot have the Good God where Good and Evil are not permanently defined or true. In the same breath we can say that sin is a crime against the Good God and humanity. Without sin, there is no concept of Good and Evil, and without a clear cut Good and Evil morality becomes an opinion and this subverts God on every level.

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Footnotes:
A: John 15:19, 17:13-16; Romans 12:2; 1 John 2:15-17 (Not of this world)
B: Mark 12:30
C: Luke 13:3; Ezekiel 18:21-23; 2 Chronicles 7:14; 1 John 1:9; Acts 3:19, 8:22; Mark 1:15; many more…

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Resources:
The Divine Perspective, as discussed by Mattie Montgomery in his spoken word song "Vision" (very quick, worth a listen): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cQbjygL0QM

Bible Verses to look at (there are more that Salem is neglecting to put due to it being 2:44 AM; he does, in a snarky manner, suggest reading the entire Bible, along with the apocrypha for good reads):
1 Corinthians 10:24
John 14:15, 15:19, 17:13-16
The entire book of Romans
1 Thessalonians 4:3
1 John 2:3-4 (very important), 2:15-17 (very important)
Matthew 5:17-22 (very important), 15:3
Colossians 3:23