So, my PC died a week ago right on time for my birthday, which was yesterday.
At first, I thought it was the GPU as my motherboard LEDs led me to think, so I thought it'd be a good opportunity to upgrade it as it was a RTX 2060 that was showing its age.

So I waited 7 days to get it, with some delay in the delivery to my dismay.
I plugged it in, all excited and... nothing. Screen stays black and mobo LED still tells me there is a VGA problem.

With some great help by  tnargraef, it turned out the most likely case was instead the mobo dying.
So I had to replace it,

BUT

my mobo was old too, and using DDR4 RAM sticks and AM4 CPU, which were no longer up-to-date in this year 2025.

So I had a choice: either dismantle my mobo, CPU and RAM just to re-install an older out-of-date mobo.

OR

Take the opportunity to update everything so it wouldn't just delay the inevitable, but it would be much more expensive.


In the end, I chose upgrading everything to be safe for at least 5 more years. Mobo, CPU, RAM to go with the new GPU.

Almost $1000 just because the motherboard decided to die at the wrong time. Gotta say I'm QUITE a bit salty. And I still have to wait until at least Saturday to get everything to start rebuild. So, for now, I'm on my laptop.

What a hell of a birthday... I'm so fucking done for the whole week and the previous one.

EDIT: ARGH, I forgot about the CPU ventirad, too! Mine isn't compatible with the more recent CPU socket!

I was checking my gallery stats to see which are my most popular commissions, and to no surprise, it's all from the hyper girls from the Milkyverse and a few others.
All those NSFW giant boobs and dicks of those dinos, dragons, sneks, etc.

All except for a SINGLE SFW in the middle of all of them all.

This one, in 15th position with 466 faves:

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/41430378/

and I dunno why.

And I wanna know why.

Why, of all the non-hyper, non-growth, non-NSFW pics, this one in particular? The next SFW one is at only 243 faves and in the hundred for the position.

Why? There is nothing happening in it, it's just different characters talking, gaming and nothing else. It's retroactively the very first Hell's Ward pic but not even the first Hellaverse pic. So there is apparently nothing unique to that one.

So I'm curious: Why did you fave this one much more in particular?

Found one to replace the recolored Alastor's suit from the recent Hellaverse x Tani pics, at last.

Now, I need to find someone to draw the first pic with it.

Just added my Bluesky, nothing fancy. I started posting a bit more on it, since NaziX (ex-Twitter) keeps getting worse both in reach and functionalities.

It will be the opportunity to see older stuff from me without having to go deep into my gallery, as well.

Hey folks!
Today, before the new year, I wanna talk about the main universes I created and where I'm taking them.

For ease, I'll only talk about TWO of them: the Lizverse (where my unseen OC Sauria Lizardqueen is active) and the Taniverse (self-explanatory).
So, no Milkyverse, Setiverse, Eldritch Sisterhood, Marvel Growth Universe (though, I am planning to pair my Spider-Gwen with an alternate version of the Scream symbiote soon), Wildstar, Star Preg, etc. this time.

Now, while Tani's universe (or should I say multiverse since shi's a multiversal being) is pretty straightforward, you may have noticed I started to have some SFW stuff and I put hir in the Hellaverse (Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss). Well, this is gonna continue for a while. There may be some naughty stuff happening (you can check https://www.furaffinity.net/user/tnargraef/ for some of these), but the main focus will be on Tani and hir interactions with the characters of the Hellaverse.

Let's get to the main course:
Taniverse:
-current arc is in the Hellaverse
-planned pics set in the past, made to explore how shi came to meet the crew of the Hazbin Hotel and hir relationship with Emily
-as mentioned on Twitter and Bluesky, I'm going with Tani being some sort of Drifter masquerading as a powerful Sinner and offering hir talents as a bodyguard
-plans to have Verosika Mayday from Helluva Boss being Tani's first contact and later, friend. Happening before the events of Helluva Boss, including Verosika's period of rehab
-plans to have Carmilla Carmine and her family from Hazbin Hotel being some of the last people to hire Tani before shi moves to the Hazbin Hotel
-As I consider for this universe to have HB happen before HH (unless proven wrong by Vivziepop's ongoing canon), other characters may be on the table. I was thinking, among others, of Stella hiring hir to take care of Octavia, thinking bodyguard and babysitter are the same thing. Or even having Tani and IMP clash on some occasions.
-Multiple sequels and interquels of this pic: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/57866326/ planned, including one where Emily is forced to take a drastic decision with potential long-term consequences
-More appearances of Entropy (Tani's gun) and Exculpa (hir scythe, once fully developed) planned
-More lore about Tani, including hir distant past and hir nature as an aspect of Chaos and what it means to the multiverse
-no plans to do more FFXIV's Miqo'te Tani stuff, though I still hope to have some Tahnee, Y'Shtola and Meteion pics done eventually

Lizverse:
-composed, among others, of the Hell's Ward path (starring Octavia, Loona, Millie from HB, Vaggie, Emily from HH, Torque from XCOM and Meteion from FFXIV) and the Ophidian Squad path (Oriale, Torque, L'Miren, Tak, Karai, Ashi and Hornet)
-still plans to properly introduce Hornet from Hollow Knight into the Ophidian Squad since she's the only one not shown yet
-currently following the first steps of the Hell's Ward out of Hell and Heaven, allowing them to discover a whole new frontier to explore
-Story-wise, it happens post-Helluva Boss (or at least an alternate version for now)
-Some more cameos from the Hellaverse to happen
-Some retcons may happen (like how the previously unnamed Viper of the Ophidian Squad became Torque), due to recent canon events in the series about Stolas, Octavia and especially Millie
(EDIT: Scratch that, considering what happens to Millie, she'll be likely replaced by someone else, most likely Verosika)
-the tone is supposed to be optimistic for the Hell's Ward, much like the Star Trek it is derived from, though that doesn't mean the team is safe from the dangers of space
-the tone is much darker for the Ophidian Squad despite running parallel to the Hell's Ward plot, expect some eldritch abominations to pop up because that's what the squad was created to counter
-really, REALLY hoping to finally get Minerva, my eldritch abomination with a heart of gold, to be involved and to have a look closer to what I have in mind
-no appearance of the OC Sauria Lizardqueen planned because she's still a bitch to conceive and design

And that's all for now. And wow, that's more than I expected for this journal. So, I hope you'll keep following me and enjoy the stuff I commission. Until then, merry holidays, happy new year and don't forget to make the rich afraid eventually to save the planet, clock's ticking!

Whew, it's been 5 months since I posted a journal, wouldn't you know.

Anyway,
if you know your classics, like https://www.furaffinity.net/view/28611816/
you know Tani has at least 2 signature weapons, a multi-hybrid gun and a scythe.

Well, I'm finally giving each of these weapons a name.

The scythe will eventually, some day, get a redesign due to how I plan to give it a lore that ties to the origin of its name. Because unlike the gun which is a Tani creation, this scythe is a creation from... someone else with a certain relationship to Tani, someone I haven't introduced to anyone yet. But let's just say they're a big influence on Tani, and one of the reasons the Shakyn can be reasonable when it comes to causing chaos or not.


So, meet Entropy, the gun, and Exculpa, the scythe.

Entropy is pretty obvious in its origin and relation to chaos, disorder and energy.
Exculpa may be less obvious as it comes from "exculpation", with its more common synonyms: "absolvement", "exoneration" or even "forgiveness".

You may be wondering "Tani, what does forgiveness have to do with chaos or even corruption?" and you'd be right, but as I mentioned, Exculpa wasn't made BY Tani, but FOR her from this certain someone I can't talk about yet. And all this ties to a deeper lore, about the aftermath of an old war, of a blasphemous action, of a long-gone nemesis...

Anyway, I hope to tell and maybe have illustrations about this hidden lore eventually, one day, but for now, only the names are here.

I do have some idea for Entropy, including its various abilities and how it could interact with others, like a certain smaller seraphim now in Tani's life.

To everyone who knows what Tani is capable and enthusiastic/eager to do to willing people shi likes very much, I'm about to explore a particularly shocking and revolting aspect of hir that will leave you speechless:

Make hir wholesome, chaste and not corruptive whatsoever.


YEAH, YOU FUCKING HEARD ME AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP THIS!

Before birthday, on May 12th.

Damn, I'm getting old.

Same date as Zelda TOTK, except I won't buy it because I don't have a Switch.

Putain, 36 ans... I'm old, help!

Well, I guess it's way overdue I give some news about my medical condition, to reassure people.

First month was mostly finding one part of the treatment, which wasn't too bad. Aside from either being too tired or too stressed.

Then started the second month and this is where things went straight to hell, anxiety was growing, got a 7-day constipation that was a nightmare to handle (and the SEVERAL aftermaths were messy to say the least) and overall, it was horrifying, almost traumatizing and every day, every hour I felt I could either collapse on the ground or do some uncontrolled violent movements.

It turned out the med was actually making things much worse so it was stopped and for about 1 week, it slowly left my system and situation improved. No more excessive constipation, headaches and fits of terror disappeared (plus, we discovered my glasses were no longer adapted so that didn't help either, the med was making the effects worse and reading at less than 30 cm was making me physically ill).

So after this hell, everything went better, the new meds work to get rid of the stress, but at first it made me very sleepy and weak (could barely go down to get some coffee) and it tends to have the reverse effect, making me feel like in a weird state locked somewhere between sleepiness and unrest (my body needs to physically lie down a lot, but not necessarily to sleep) and insomnia is frequent (not helped by my unpleasant roommate snoring very loudly) while urination is very slow and "lazy" for a lack of better words.

What that means is while I can focus on things, I can get easily interrupted by a need to lie down and recover some lost sleep hours or just lie down. Granted, the weather doesn't help either to make you want to stay up. But at least, I overall feel better than when I entered. No more panic attacks or fits of stress, just some weird kind of tiredness. I do plan to post some stuff I haven't uploaded and chat a bit more, but while creativity and motivation are slightly coming back, it's still not enough to get back to the time where my descriptions were many paragraphs long, but I don't intend to let that stop me. So, depending how things go, especially since I'm now closer to leaving (psychiatrist is talking about 2 weeks to "see progress and get some phone calls" down before exit is confirmed.), I may post more or wait until I'm fully out. Also I hate typing on a phone, lol

So, overall, does that mean the Tani is back in business and will be more active from now on? Not yet, but finally seeing some progress and being one step closer to release.

So far no new treatment started, as it's mostly the introductions and learning how things work here.

All good so far, clean, everyone's nice and food isn't too bad, beautiful and well-separated room. Strict schedule for everything, though.

Main problem right now is intestines issues worsening, and from the clearer symptoms, it could be anything from Crohn disease to gallbladder being affected by something to severe pancreas or liver issues. Been seeing the doc tomorrow.

The irony of going there for something, only to be more affected by something else...

Today at 11am and they need me there at 11am tomorrow.

My psychologist wasn't joking when she said "... and then they call you and you can enter the next day".

Also, they needed me to get a COVID test for tomorrow. Surprise, no possibility to find a test center that goes that fast, so had to travel 60km to find one. All while I was suffering from sleep deprivation because I got insomnia. Then, I got myself a travel bag, since I realized I had none, but it's too small, so gonna have to bring another non-travel bag.

Starting great... /s

So it's time for 1 month of intense medication.
I'll try to update you as things go from now on.

As mentioned in the previous journal, I'm supposed to go to a psychiatric clinic to deal with my chronic anxiety that has grown to the point it's causing physical problems for my health.

But I still have no news, so in the meantime, I've decided to tackle something I've been wanting to do for a while:
Renaming and restructuring the whole "NCISverse" thing.

If you still don't know what it is, it was the name I gave for an massive-crossover AU, starring an organization led by a currently unseen (due to having yet to be fully designed) alien anthro dinosaur named Sauria "Lizardqueen".

Yep, that's where my second pseudonym after "Tani" comes from.

At first, I went with NCISverse for "Nintendo Critical Intelligence Service Universe", as that's how the main organization in this AU was first named, but it eventually became clear that not only was it confusing for newcomers due to sharing a name with the TV show, but as time went, the whole thing became much more focused on characters from other companies and thus the name became both misleading and obsolete.

I still don't have any idea right now to create a proper name for the organization and the universe themselves, but the AU will now be referred to as the "Lizverse" for the foreseeable future to make things easier and will have sub-folders, one about the lore of the universe itself, one for the Ophidian Squad (Oriale's team) and now the Hell's Ward, focused on the Hazbin Hotel/Helluva Boss (and FFXIV) characters who are chaperoned by the Ophidian Squad.

Some details were added for older uploads, but not much and several of them have outdated info (like how Torque used to be a basic unnamed Viper) and their titles got updated to better match what the uploads are part of.

So here it is, hope you'll enjoy! And while I'll likely won't be able to commission new stuff for a while, I still have a few ideas for later regarding this universe, including a Torque and Millie (and a trapped Stella) pic to complete the set of pics about the Hell's Ward members, and a possible but very unlikely big one featuring the Paimon Vs Hell's Ward & Oriale fight that has now been set up with the latest upload.

It's about time I talk about what is to come very soon.

But first, be sure to check my latest upload in case you missed it as I need feedback about it on its page: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/48783992/

I won't repeat what was said 2 years ago in https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9545406/ since nothing has really changed, and if anything, it's gotten worse with different symptoms.

So I'll skip to the main point:
This month (I dunno when since at first it was supposed to be 2 weeks ago but I still don't have news), I'll be entering a psychiatric clinic and stay there for about a month.

Maybe more, maybe less, who knows?

I was supposed to go there 2 years ago, but at that point, I had no smartphone to communicate with the outside, so the clinic argued with my psychiatrist that it could have made my mental health much worse due to losing any mean to communicate with people I know.

Now, that I have one, the whiplash should be less violent, but nevertheless, I'm still quite apprehensive of this, which hasn't helped my state, and these last days, I've been feeling very sleepy and yet still stressed, not helped by the usual intestine problems that also get progressively worse.

It doesn't help either that the meds I've been trying these last month only had 2 possible outcomes: dead tired and sleeping for more than half the day or much more stressed and feeling like I'm gonna suffer a heart attack or my brain is gonna shut down or something.

It doesn't help that I live alone in a small village, away from big medical facilities. At least, in this clinic, I'll be surrounded by docs and nurses in case something doesn't go well.

But that also means I won't have access to my PC, so no more gaming or access to my files for anything (and probably having to deal with food my already fragile stomach won't appreciate or feel no nourishment from).

I currently also have no idea if I'll be allowed "days off" to go back to my place, so it's something I have to get info for. But even if I do, I dunno if I'll be functional for that as the goal of this stay is to drastically reduce the stress the "hard" way, so I'll probably be KO most of the time (more 10 years of anxiety and stress won't vanish like that, especially when trying to undermine their deeply-ingrained causes is currently pointless because it's too intense) and probably not in a awake-enough mental shape to properly interact with folks.

So basically, I'll only have my phone and whatever apps I can use to interact with the folks I know, while the rest will be activities provided by the clinic.

Whenever this is done, there will be other medical stuff to go through, but those should be less restrictive.
But in any case, starting this month, you can say I'm going on a forced semi-hiatus and there's no telling how things will go then.

So, take care, folks.

Growy milky eel galore in a moment!

Weeeeeee!

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/47165422/

No stories with them as usual these days, but I really gotta post them to try and break the block.

That's it, that's the journal.

On the 12, level 34, of the 5th month.

BELOW, BELOW!
WE'RE GOING WHERE THE WINDS DON'T BLOOOOW!
Yes we're all bound down
To the deep and we'll be
Sleeping in the cold below, below
Sleeping in the cold below!

Hi, folks.

If you haven't noticed, uploads have come to an halt for a while now.
People who know me personally are aware I actually have several pics I haven't uploaded yet, so it's not just the usual "creativity shows up occasionally then goes away" due to chronic anxiety.

So what is happening? Well, these last months haven't been kind. While medical tests say I have no visible physical damage to the brain, heart, intestines, and bones, that means I'm back to square one, though the neurologist said anxiety can actually seriously fuck your body up by making your brain go haywire enough, so I guess only medication and trying to try to convince my brain it's working the wrong way.

It's not just that either.
My mother's boyfriend started to act weirdly and it was found his cerebrospinal fluid was not being pumped properly, causing him to develop early signs of dementia (which was bringing bad memories of how my father eventually passed away) and it seems either the surgery was botched or it takes a lot of times to heal, because he's gotten worse, doing and saying weird stuff and pretty much randomly living in a different reality. It's taxing for my mother and by extension me, even if I don't live there anymore.

Then, there is our old cat who was growing very weak and unable to move correctly to feed himself. It was most likely a neurological infection that has been going on for years after we were forced to have his tail removed following an incident we never know was. While painkillers were helping him feeling much better, they were getting less and less effective while his condition when they weren't kicking in was worsening. While he managed to go through Xmas and the New Year, it was still emotionally draining for weeks, to see him get better, only to relapse few days later before getting another shot.
In the end, on Monday 4th, mom decided to put him to sleep just as we discussed before, to end his suffering.

Needless to say, all those events have pretty much killed my mood. If you've noticed me not chatting much recently, that's why.
Nothing else to say, except I'm gonna need some time for myself as one can imagine.

Oh and the cherry on top is I started playing Nier Automata and while it's awesome, it's definitely not helping the mood.

Thank you for reading.

So, if you don't know it already, due to severe, crippling anxiety and depression, my creativity and concentration are dead 95% of the time. And related to that, I have a ever-growing backlog of commissions I haven't uploaded yet and when I upload them, they either only have a much shorter story than every pic used to have or a "story coming soon... or never, dunno lol".

Seeing all this backlog is also depressing me every time I browse my explorer, so I think it's time to ask:

Would you prefer?
-having the pic uploaded without the story and maybe try to guess what is happening until the story is uploaded with no ETA whatsoever.
-waiting (possibly for a very long time) for an upload with a proper description to get the full picture (HA!) behind the picture at once

Speaking of the anxiety I have these days, here's an "instructive" summary of what it usually feels like that I previously posted on Twitter, just to show you how it feels for me:

-Day 1: Wake up like you slept only 2 hours plagued with nightmares. Bed sheet looks like there was a fight. Don't feel like standing up... at all, but you gotta coz you're hungry and you don't feel good. Eyes are hurting, seeing slightly blurry for about 20 minutes. Muscles stayed tense during night so neck is hurting.
If sudden violent-yet-second-gone headache, go check in the mirror for possible signs of stroke you know you're highly unlikely to have but you still do.
Grab meds. Only kicks in in 1-2 hours.
Type something. Make mistakes you don't even know how you could have made. Check your blood pressure and heartbeat, just in case. Still a bit sleepy so grab coffee.
Coffee's bad for anxiety, but you gotta take some because otherwise you're in zombie mode for the whole day. Don't care about what to eat or why you should bother... but you gotta.
Muscles still in pain, not intense but just enough to ruin your day.
Creativity: dead. Mood: Batman levels of brooding.
Sudden muscle pain like you got stabbed by a needle. Try to relax and say it's OK, it's just psychosomatic symptoms. Worry anyway. If pain around heart area or head, go check in the mirror for stroke symptoms again.
Nothing, of course. Still not as reassuring as it should.
Should you talk to people? Could help, but not motivated, due to pain. Thinking hurts anyway. Going outside? Why even? Plus COVID, so no. Sudden vertigo, near-loss of consciousness for a semi-second... again. Try not to worry, still worry anyway. Considering nap, know it'll be horrible. 6pm, nothing accomplished. More vertigo fits, tired. Emergency meds, then nap. Sleep horribly as expected. 4 hours minimum, really sleep for ~2 while the rest is keeping rolling in bed. Wake up feeling even more horrible. Dinner time.
Coffee or infusion? Staying awake to try and do something productive or try to calm down but stay in slightly relaxed zombie mode? Infusion this time. Remember backlogs of commissions to upload and/or make notes for later. Meh, mood says no. Watch stream with friends. Nice, but know it's fucking up sleep schedule, but helps keep somewhat sane.
Go to bed, sun starting to rise, but at least too tired to care about pain or stress, body just needs sleep.

Day 2: Slept a bit better, not much pain, maybe a better day? Start doing some physical stuff, feel uneasy afterwards, then pain kicks in later. Day ruined. Back to usual day and night routine.

Day 3: Starts as day 1, but creativity kicks in out of nowhere, try to write some stuff down. Manages to do something. Still less than it used to be, but at least it's something. But now, mentally exhausted. Nap needed. Bad nap again.

Day 4: Waking up, several vertigo fits in a row while lying down, still half-asleep so both stressed but not actually caring. Finally wake up, go check in the mirror. Sick of seeing that miserable dude trying to smile to check stroke symptoms again. Nothing really happens.
Panic attack's early warnings, grab meds quickly.
Now need to go to the bathroom. Always bringing phone, just in case of emergency that never happens. Panic attack mostly averted. Even going to toilet exhausting, bed right now or later? Later this time. Still stays on chair doing nothing for hours and not caring/even realizing it. Too tired, bed.

Day 5: Week-end approaching, only ER available in case of problems, more stress. In addition, closest ER, 25 minutes away. Grab meds to calm down. Same day as usual, but forget evening med. Panic attack, emergency meds, 1-2 hours to wait for effects. Walk in circles in the house, slightly blurred vision and pain, open windows, half of shutter never closed anyway, just in case. End up calming down, exhausted again, sleep.

Day 6: Wake up OK. First half of day goes better than usual. Metaphorically letting guard down, big mistake, still takes meds. Beginning of easiness crushed by stabbing pain coming out of nowhere. More meds to calm down. Rest of the day and night ruined, not in mood to do anything.

Day 7: What else to expect?

Hey folks, another pic got updated with more info.

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/36036216/

This time, you get to see more info about my specific Star Wars universe, especially parts of the timeline pre-The Rise of Skywalker.

My birthday was actually on the 12th. You can check the previous years' journals to get the confirmation.

I just wanted to run a little social experiment, both from having a boring birthday and where some promises weren't kept. So yeah, it was a little out of disappointment and trollish mood.

This also gives me a grim reminder that simply noting friends' birthdays in a calendar not to forget to try and get them something on time is no longer the standard these days. I'm still gonna do this, but I'm just not gonna expect others to do so.

Birthday is in 2 months. Joke's on you, you should have done the research instead of blindly following what people say on the Internet.

Raise your hand if you knew and didn't fall for it. :P

Oh hey, it's that time of the year again.