It sure has been 9 years, hasn't it?

(Trigger warning: if you're not keen on medical details relating to surgery and the human body, feel free to skip this)

So after a week and a half of rest, painkillers, and occasionally overenthusiastic physiotherapy, how is that silly ol' leg of mine doing?

The actual incisions of the surgery are healing up rather nicely: I had 5 small ones and 1 large one, and the small ones have almost entirely healed up. I even took out their stitches last night without a single drop of blood. They're still a little sensitive and they'll probably leave permanent scars, but those are minor quibbles. The large incision has firmly sealed up as well but I'm gonna leave those stitches in until this Thursday, when I visit the hospital.

There was a lot of swelling in my leg following the surgery, but over the past 10 days a lot of that has gone down again, particularly in my thigh, shin and ankle. The knee itself is still fairly swollen, but with enough therapy over the next few weeks that should dissipate as well. By the same token my leg was a cornucopia of unappealing colors when I got home, and while there's still quite a bit of that going on at least the damn thing looks largely human again.

Now for the big one: pain. I still experience an awful lot of it, partially in the incision scars and inside the knee itself but especially in my calf muscle and lower knee socket. It's largely bearable when I'm just lying on the couch or doing my therapy: the problem is anytime my lower leg is pointed downward (like, say, whenever I use my crutches). Angling my leg downward --particularly when completely standing up and not just sitting-- massively amplifies the pain in my calf and knee socket, to a degree that is genuinely agonizing if I haven't had any painkillers. I can get through most of the day with 4 scheduled doses of paracetamol, but it is the nighttime and the morning that are proving problematic, and these often still require a dose of (significantly stronger) oxycodone. This, again, should become less of an issue with time and therapy, but seeing as we're currently trying to wean me off the painkillers (so I can do my physio more safely) it is currently a rather painful time for the leg.

But what about the actual functionality of the knee? Bending and twisting comes pretty naturally, but stretching is a big obstacle at the moment. I can't fully stretch my leg without hurting myself, and most of the physiotherapy revolves around fixing that. At the moment I am only allowed to put about 40 pounds of weight on the leg, which I actually rarely do because of the current pain-issues.

On the whole we are certainly making progress, though some areas are progressing faster than others, and the trade-off for slowly reducing my dependency on painkillers is that pain has become a big limiting factor on current everyday life. If I had to guess, I'd say I'll be walking again in about 3-4 weeks.

Fingers crossed.

- Seskra

Hell if I know, but we got one here for the next couple weeks. My ACL reconstructive surgery happened this past Thursday, and by all accounts the whole thing was a resounding success. But with that said, I will not be able to walk without crutches for at least 4 weeks, so I will be couch-ridden for that entire period.

I managed to shoot some pictures around town two days before my surgery --some of which will already have been uploaded by the time this goes up-- and I will continue to post various written works on here as well, but odds are that my overal output will go down a little. I should be able to record and edit and upload new episodes of Web Of Lies while here, but I'm afraid there definitely won't be any new music for a while. Sorry about that.

If anybody has any requests for written works then now would be the time to let me know: Lord knows I'm not going anywhere at the moment.

Love,

Seskra.

I've made no secret of my love for pro wrestling, and we're kinda overdue for a new playlist on here as well, so how about we mix that peanut butter & chocolate and do my top 25 favorite wrestling themes. As a disclaimer: I ranked these not by how much like them as purely musical compositions, but rather by how well they work as a wrestling theme and how well they fit their respective characters. Every entry has an embedded Youtube link, so let's do this!

#25: Rey Mysterio - Booyaka 619

#24: Jack Swagger - Patriot

#23: Sasha Banks - Sky's the Limit

#22: Samoa Joe - Destroyer

#21: Brock Lesnar - Next Big Thing

#20: Kurt Angle - Medal

#19: Tyson Kidd - Right Here, Right Now

#18: Tye Dillinger - Ten

#17: Dean Ambrose - Retaliation

#16: Bray Wyatt - Live In Fear

#15: Kevin Owens - Fight

#14: Becky Lynch - Celtic Invasion

#13: R-Truth - What's Up?

#12: AJ Styles - Phenomenal

#11: Curtis Axel - Reborn

#10: The Rock - Electrifying

#9: Asuka - The Future

#8: Alexa Bliss - Spiteful

#7: Edge - Metalingus

#6: CM Punk - Cult of Personality

#5: Sami Zayn - Worlds Apart

#4: Finn Bálor - Catch Your Breath

#3: Daniel Bryan - Flight of the Valkyries

#2: The Undertaker - Rest In Peace

#1: Triple H - The Game

If you ever need some music prior to a serious ass-kicking, chances are good you'll find what you need somewhere in this list.

The date for my knee-surgery has now officially been set for Thursday, the 31st this month. The week before that I will undergo several cardiological tests and exams, but those are not expected to reveal anything disquieting. There's a good chance I will be AFK for a day or two following the surgery, and that my output will be reduced a fair bit in the weeks thereafter. I trust that everybody can understand why.

In the meantime: there's a few poems in my gallery that I've always liked, but that I've simultaneously also been frustrated with because they felt like imperfect versions of themselves. I debated for a good long while whether to rewrite them, what to do with the originals, whether to edit the existing versions or upload new ones, etc., because I didn't want to pull a George Lucas and ruin something that had once been great. But ultimately I decided the new versions I had written genuinely worked better, and so I went ahead and edited the originals in the gallery. The old versions (may they rest in peace) are gone forever, and the new ones will take their place. The tone, intent, and even general format of the originals have all been preserved, but verses have been added, removed, and altered in order to create a version that better lines up with my original vision.

The poems in question are:
- Voluntary Synesthesia
- Breathe in my Watercolor Fumes
- And finally I don't sleep. I dream.

All three pieces are quite personal to me, and so I genuinely struggled with the decision to rewrite them. I guess only time will tell whether this proved to be a good idea.

Love,

Seskra

You can read the full details here but the short version is that  twilightinsanity is doing emergency commissions in writing, sewing and jewelry-making to help someone very close to us get away from their abusive husband, as well as cover their hospital bills following a vicious assault last night. I implore anyone and everyone reading this to commission Twi and help pay for all this, and even if you don't want/need anything commissioned please donate whatever you can spare.

And if you need any further incentive, then here you go: I will write a poem for anyone who gives at least $5 (maximum of 30 lines) and a short story for anyone who gives at least $10 (maximum length of 2 pages). These will be IN ADDITION to the actual commissions bought with that money, so a single payment might get you as much as three different pieces between Twi and myself.

So once again: please give generously. You are helping an abuse victim get to a safe home, and you'll get great art in the process. You can read the full details here and you can send your donations/payments here https://www.paypal.me/twilightinsanity

Earlier today I got to see the results of my recent MRI-scan and I'll cut right to the chase: my knee is actually in even worse shape than I thought.

My ACL has literally not healed whatsoever in the two years since I originally tore it, my MCL is still showing obvious signs of damage, my meniscus may still be torn (it's definitely damaged, but the MRI wasn't clear enough to confirm an actual tear) and apparently even the cartilage on my shin- and thighbone is messed up. All in all, it's not a pretty picture. Given these results, and my continuing instability in this knee, there has been a change of plans: we are no longer going to treat this with physiotherapy and supporting equipment like we originally planned. Instead we are going to take the high-risk/high-reward approach, and schedule me for reconstructive surgery.

Now, for most people this surgery wouldn't be particularly dangerous, but because I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome my blood vessels are significantly more fragile than those of the average person. Thus there is an increased risk of complications and internal bleeding --especially since they'll have to drill through two bones as part of the procedure-- which is part of why we've avoided this surgery until now. And I won't lie: I am worried about that risk. I have been assured that the team will take this issue into account and administer blood-thickening agents before and after the procedure, but that risk is still there and everybody knows it. Nevertheless I am willing to take it, because after many lengthy discussions we finally arrived at a solution for what was the biggest problem until now: the post-op healing process.

The biggest argument against this surgery until now has always been that my newly-installed ligament wouldn't properly attach to the surrounding bone because of my EDS, thus invalidating any regained stability and rendering the whole exercise pointless. And this is still absolutely true: the bone and ligament probably won't fuse together perfectly. But we realized we could circumvent this problem by making a temporary solution permanent. See, normally the new ligament is kept in place with surgical screws for at least 12 months while the bone-fusion process is going on, after which the screws would be removed again. But with a little bit of careful planning and a little bit of luck, we can hopefully insert the screws and then just keep them there for the rest of my life as a failsafe in case the bone fusion isn't enough (which it almost certainly won't be). It's not a perfect solution: there's a chance that I'll start experiencing mild discomfort as I get older and the bone around the screws softens and withers away... but it should hold up for at least a decade, probably two.

Which is why, in spite of all the risks, I am actually glad to have gotten these results. My biggest concern was that the MRI would have come back fine, and the doctors would have told me all my symptoms are psychosomatic. It's actually comforting to have confirmation of these issues, and a clear long-term plan for how to fix them. It's going to be a looooooooong process: I won't be able to walk for about 6 weeks after the surgery, and it'll most likely take around 15 months of rehab and physiotherapy before my knee is genuinely back up to full capacity. But considering that right now it's literally not even working at 10% capacity... It'll be worth it.

I will let you all know when the surgery is officially scheduled: I will still be writing and uploading here throughout the recovery process, though there may be a period of a month or two where there won't be any new music because I can't operate the pedal on my keyboard. I'll see if I can prep a bit of a backlog to deal with that.

I won't pretend like this isn't scary, but I am genuinely hopeful and looking forward to this time next year.

Wish me luck.

- Seskra

That's how many takes I needed before I finally, finally got a good recording of my new song. This is a process that literally took weeks and as much as I love the song I am so immensely glad that it's now over with.

I've never actually had piano lessons or any sort of formal training as a keyboardist, so the problem I kept running into was my fingers simply being unable to keep up with my brain. Composing the song took a little over a week, but the recording process took almost a full month because both my fingers and my overall playstyle are significantly stiffer than I'd like, and this song features some of my trickiest timing to date. I cannot tell you how hard it is to get the lightness and looseness I needed for this.

But! I got it. I almost fucked it up, but I got it. So tomorrow's submission will not be our normally scheduled photography: instead, it will be Visits By Visions.

And I really hope you will enjoy it.

- Seskra

PS: Don't forget that the deadline for Ask Me Anything is this upcoming Friday-evening. Questions can be submitted via notes, shouts, or comments either here or in the last journal.

I'm doing an Ask Me Anything for reasons outlined below, so if you have any questions (or requests for upcoming writing/music) you can leave them in the comments for this journal or in a personal Note to me, and I can 100% guarantee I will answer them. There is no limit to the number of questions you can ask, no topic is off-limits, and questions can be submitted until Friday-evening of next week, at which point I will gather them all and answer them in a new episode of Web Of Lies.

The reason I'm doing this is I have a lot of personal issues coming up this week --most notably an MRI-scan for my knee that could lead to surgery-- so I won't have the time to do as much writing as I'd like or have as much of a presence here. So in the meantime I will also mainly be uploading pictures from the old archives (though I might be able to squeeze one or two other pieces in there, no promises) and passively gathering questions to answer. Hope to see some good ones!

Love,
Seskra

A personal hero of mine had to make an extremely difficult decision yesterday, and I want to express my deepest respect, condolences and gratitude to him.

Last night Daniel Bryan officially announced he was permanently retiring from professional wrestling due to chronic concussion-related medical issues. He had been benched since April of last year and everyone was immensely curious whether he would ever be medically cleared again, but sadly we now know the answer is no: Daniel Bryan has retired at the age of 34, after giving sixteen years of his life to the industry.

I think it's fair to say he was the most beloved man in all of professional wrestling. Ridiculously talented both in the ring and on the mic, with an endearing sense of humor and a connection to the audience that seemed to come as naturally to him as breathing, he was the embodiment of the term "fan favorite". In an industry where 6-foot tall bodybuilders are still the norm, Daniel Bryan came in standing at 5 foot 8, with a vegan diet and a massive beard, and carved out a niche for himself using nothing but talent, charisma, and an almost saintlike humility. He was the ultimate underdog, involving the fans in ways we'd never seen before and may well never see again.

For me personally, Daniel Bryan is the whole reason I got into wrestling. In 2014 I stumbled across a review of Wrestlemania 30, and the author's description was so vivid that I decided to torrent the show and see whether it could live up to such lofty language. And it did - it really, really, really did. To this day I have yet to experience a moment in wrestling more beautifully, viscerally satisfying than seeing Daniel Bryan win the World Heavyweight Championship on the grandest stage of them all. It was that rarest of all flowers in professional wrestling; it was everyone getting exactly what they wanted.

I wish him and his family the very best of luck in whatever they plan to do next, and I hope that these concussion issues can diminish over time. That man deserves to live as long and happy a life as possible after all he has given us. Oh, and WWE? He better be heading into the Hall of Fame next year: no one deserves it more than him.

Thank you for all the wonderful memories, Daniel. The Yes Movement will never stop cheering for you.

I think from now on anytime I have a journal planned that's very large but not vitally urgent --like my Have You Ever post, or the two-parter on Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome-- I am probably going to do those as episodes of Web Of Lies instead: I like my FA page to be tidy when possible, and I don't want to overwhelm newcomers with giant walls of text. Besides, Web Of Lies occupies a nice little middle ground between the journals and the by-definition highly irregular Something Else Entirely posts, so anything that kinda but not quite fits either of those two will probably be a podcast from now on.

Speaking of, I'm just gonna preface tomorrow's Something Else Entirely right now: that piece comes from a dark place I don't visit very often, and while I mean every word of it I don't want people to think I always feel that way. I am not nearly as depressed as that piece might suggest (most of the time, anyway). On a much lighter note, Monday's submission will almost certainly be the first cover ever posted to this account, because I need some more time with my own music. I made the oh so clever decision that my current song needed like 4 or 5 alternate versions, and it is slowing things down quite a bit around here. Hence, covers.

Finally I'd just like to extend a big welcome and thank you to everyone who started watching in the past day or so: I had no idea that latest picture would be so popular.

'Til next time,

- Seskra

I'm currently in the middle of recording a new song, specifically in the traditional part known as "the composition is completely finished, but I need 80+ takes to actually get a good recording without fucking it up at some point." This happens just about every time I write a new song, and I'm fine with that, but it does mean my musical output is a fair bit slower than I'd like. So a question I've been struggling with for a while now is whether to record and upload covers onto here. I can't really decide whether I like that idea, so I figured I would ask the people for their thoughts on the matter. So hop on down into the comments and lemme know what you think.

On a similar note, I've been thinking of starting a series of short podcasts regarding art and media: I tend to think aloud and talk to myself anyway, and I figured actually structuring that and recording it might make for an interesting listen. For example I saw The Hateful Eight last night, and you bet your sweet booty it's given me a fair bit to think about. It would also give me an excuse to indulge in some personal favorites and discuss some of my hobbies that don't come up here very often like tabletop RPGs and pro wrestling. Again, leave a comment if you'd be down for that.

I'm still writing songs, poetry and music --don't worry-- but these are ideas that have been floating around for a while now and I figure it's time I give them a shot.

Love,
Seskra

Note: Links to all the submissions mentioned here are at the bottom of the journal for those who are curious.

Anyway...

The very first bit of writing I ever submitted to FA was Piano. It's hardly the best thing I ever wrote but it holds a lot of personal nostalgia for me, and it was the starting point for my longest running --albeit sporadically updated-- series: 5-Sentence Sunday. I freaking love 5-Sentence Sunday, I really do. It's helped me come a long way in learning how to get the most bang for my buck when writing, and it's always been a great avenue for exploring a variety of genres: say what you will about 5-SS, it's run the whole damn gamut from comedy to poetry to porn to prose.

And I'm not killing it off, so y'all can collectively un-clench them butts now.

I am, however, taking it off of its weekly schedule and switching it to a gets-posted-when-it's-written model. Why? Because in the long term having that weekly deadline was a detriment to the series, and I think that does actually show in the series' general track-record: the only genuine bona fide bulls-eye I ever scored with 5-SS was A Cute Thing, which I maintain is one the best poems I've ever written. But that is 1 submission out of a series of like 30. Most of the time in the past 18 months, when the time came to write 5-Sentence Sunday I would either put it off until the last possible minute or I'd force myself to work on it early, operative word there being 'force'. Writing is hard work, but 5-SS didn't feel like hard work: it felt like a chore.

Big difference. Big problem.

That's not to say I didn't have a profound personal moment when writing And She Says My Name, Part 3 or that I didn't giggle my ass off in the middle of Tidying Up, but on the whole I think this series deserves better than what I've been investing in it. Which is why from now on I'm giving myself time to work on each installment as needed. All future installments will still get posted on Sundays, just not every Sunday. I still have at least half a dozen ideas for pieces this short, and I want to make sure they're all worth your time and mine. Because sometimes stories just need time to write themselves (hell: tomorrow's submission took over an entire damn year to finish).

Love,
Seskra

Links:
Piano - http://www.furaffinity.net/view/10827533/
A Cute Thing - http://www.furaffinity.net/view/15025012/
And She Says My Name, Part 3 - http://www.furaffinity.net/view/17543966/
Tidying Up - http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16959377/

Third day, third playlist. And these... These are the songs that really get to me. The ones that cut past all the bullshit, all the darkness and all the happiness, and hit that tiny spec of vulnerable humanity I still somehow keep inside of me. These are all disarmingly sincere songs about relationships that are one second away from falling apart, and that second isn't always still to come: sometimes it's already gone by, and left a wound that'll never quite heal. Other times it's there lingering on the horizon, and I hold myself in sync with the singer as we wait to see whether we were right to hope for a happy ending. Say what you will about these songs - they're not afraid to be honest, even though they know all too well that the truth hurts.

All of these come highly recommended, but if you only have time for a single one, make it the last one. Just be sure to pause that video at 3:50 - the second half of it is an interview that (while quite interesting) feels too sudden and too much like emotional whiplash after the song itself. The song hits so much harder when it's allowed to linger, and resonate within your mind. I should know, because the final song on this list is, without hyperbole, my favorite song of all time. I can't not listen to it. I can't fight it as it drills into my heart. And I can only barely fight back the tears when it does.

#1 - Plain Sailing Weather by Frank Turner: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZ1yZFHhf7w

#2 - Duvet by Bôa: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0N5YblvT1c

#3 - From Above by Ben Folds & Nick Hornby: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X5peqCDJi0A

#4 - The Other Woman by Caro Emerald: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=huOqr2bXVs8

#5 - Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad by Meat Loaf: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k5hWWe-ts2s

#6 - Sinner by Lesbian Bed Death: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8BDqbSxbHdo

#7 - Something About Us by Daft Punk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sOS9aOIXPEk

#8 - Love Song by Jean Grae: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrWL7ieIU7A

#9 - Runaway (album version) by Kanye West, featuring Pusha T: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6CJQ_hnm24

#10 - Someone Like You by Adelle: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLQl3WQQoQ0

#11 - Secret Smile by Semisonic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yq4j_ZucrOE

#12 - Breathe Me by Sia: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JxxB93SProQ

#13 - Better Man by Pearl Jam: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbpUfWz-rlc

#14 - Rainbows and Unicorns by Kim Boekbinder: https://kimboekbinder.bandcamp.com/.....and-unicorns-4

#15 - Something by Julien Baker: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OP8s1X-ekVA

Thank you for taking this musical journey with me. I hardly expect everyone to like every single song I linked here in the past 3 days, but it felt really good sharing them with all of you. It felt like I opened up a little, and let you all see a very private part of myself. If nothing else, I hope you found at least one song you liked and had never heard before. If that happened for just a single person, then this was all worth it.

- Seskra

Alright, here's playlist number 2. This one's intended more or less to be the emotional counterweight to the first one, focusing on songs that infuse me not so much with a lust for life as a deep appreciation and contentment with what I already have. There's a few more instrumentals in here than last time, but I don't think anyone will mind. No trigger warnings needed this time, so let's hop right in.

#1 - When The Smoke Clears by Geoffrey Taucer (original by Jeremy Waters): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7QsbVIYjKHU

#2 - Nuvole Bianche by Ludovico Eindaudi: https://vimeo.com/22439234

#3 - Same Love by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, featuring Mary Lambert: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlVBg7_08n0

#4 - Daydream No. 19 by Trocadero: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4h8lRYlh38

#5 - Seiken he no Kibou by Hikaru Nanase: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bc4XtGjKCEY

#6 - I'm Going to Go Back There Someday by Paul Williams & Kenny Ascher: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhGi4DtZl9U

#7 - Freedom by David Housden: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86SNE1ncX-k

#8 - Redemption by Christophe Héral: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tnZkXTHTaQo

#9 - Sleeping Sun (live) by Nightwish: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejnck_pnSWk

#10 - Inspire by Fox Amoore: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/8168378/

#11 - The End of All Things by Auriplane: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Zb6Pml7ans

#12 - Into The West by Annie Lennox & Howard Shore: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JgcoBKWTW14

#13 - End Credits by Jonathan Morali: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VzMa8eU15QQ

#14 - Melodies of Life by Nobuo Uematsu, featuring Shiratori Emiko: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I7Vu6NxehcM

I hope these cheered people up a little after yesterday's fare.

- Seskra

There's three playlists I've been meaning to share for a long time here, and this is the first one. These are the songs I like to listen to during long, rainy nights on an empty highway; dark songs that hypnotize me and take me inside myself, make me find ugly parts of myself and make out with them. These are not happy songs, but they trigger something inside me that feels far more profound than mere happiness. So without further ado, here goes.

(Warning: the lyrics of #4 and #5 carry trigger warnings for sexual assault and child molestation, respectively. Feel free to skip those)

#1 - Queer by Garbage: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ppiohVRZ0s

#2 - Shadows by Malukah (original by Austin Wintory): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfSX455GdGI

#3 - Tristram Village by Matt Uelmen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2evIg-aYw8

#4 - Dance With The Devil by Immortal Technique: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-1ZaMe72ZU

#5 - Cleanin' Out My Closet by Angel Haze (original by Eminem): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olBOFLqEREI

#6 - Acceptance by Akira Yamaoka, featuring Mary Elizabeth McGlynn: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6X4qKIBGlXg

#7 - The Game by George 'The Fat Man' Sanger, featuring Robert Harrison: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbMHAKot0yg

#8 - Kikyou Kaoru Iroha Michi by Yasushi Ishii: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O8nHNFmZDA0

#9 - Neverland by Sisters of Mercy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJNUk-O2RlY

#10 - Call Me by Brian Borcherdt (original by Blondie): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49qKb74AXe8

#11 - High Hopes by Pink Floyd: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7jMlFXouPk8

#12 - No Exit by Jackie Bastek: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvEg8-GyY-g

#13 - To Be Touched by Kim Boekbinder: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4jCirOoW1o

#14 - Sepia Tone Laboratory by LifeFormed: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cdkfA1X9w78

#15 - The Day The World Died by Miracle of Sound: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBnWzzTOVhs

#16 - Lady Marlene by Katzenjammer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPifmjkl4cA

#17 - Without A Sound by Lesbian Bed Death: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mI8yRhEjSMU

Sweet dreams everyone.

- Seskra

Before we begin, y'all saw I posted this, right? http://www.furaffinity.net/view/18609887/

Anyway...

1: Had sex? Yes.
2: Bought condoms? Yep. (Pro tip: you can get 100 of 'em for like 14 bucks at ConFuzzled)
3: Gotten pregnant? Can't. Not sure I would even if I could.
4: Failed a class? Yep. Failed entire courses too, for that matter.
5: Kissed a guy? Yes.
6: Kissed a girl? Yes.
7: Had a job? Got one right now, had others in the past.
8: Left the house without your wallet? Yep. Also forgot my phone and keys.
9: Bullied someone online? Never bullied, but I did do something far worse: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/14342087/
10: Sexted? Yes.
11: Had sex in public? No.
12: Smoked weed? I'm Dutch, what do you think?
13: Smoked cigarettes? Never. Don't know why anyone would, aside from peer pressure or addiction.
14: Smoker a cigar? No (same reason).
15: Drank alcohol? Yes, mostly while attending ConFuzzled.
16: Been to a wedding? You'd think I would have by now, but no.
17: Sat at your computer for 5 hours straight? Already up to 8 tonight.
18: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? I'm sure I must have at some point in my early teens, but I can't remember.
19: Been late for school? Yes.
20: Kissed in the rain? 'Fraid not.
21: Showered with someone else? Nope. Any volunteers?
22: Left your home country? Over a dozen times, at least.
23: Been on a roadtrip for over 5 hours? Son, I drove from The Netherlands to Sweden in one day. That's 10 hours right there.
24: Had lice? Not since childhood.
25: Had your heart broken? Still not sure.
26: Owned a credit card? Nope.
27: Been to a professional sports game? No. I got tickets for a WWE show in April though.
28: Broken a bone? Yes, and tormented my body in many other ways as well.
29: Been unhappy about your weight? Yes. Spent 2 months dieting and lost over 20 pounds.
30: Won a trophy? I won 1st place in the ConFuzzled Flash Fiction contest last year.
31: Cut yourself? Not deliberately.
32: Rode in a taxi? Yes, and it's a miracle I survived. Cairo cabbies are fucking nuts.
33: Stayed up for over 24 hours? Yes. I believe my record lies somewhere around 81 hours straight.
34: Been to a concert? Twice. Once for Katzenjammer, once for Lesbian Bed Death. Both were awesome.
35: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? Not often, but yes.
36: Had braces? Yes, both for my teeth and my knee.
37: Worn makeup? Only for Halloween parties.
38: Lost your virginity before 16? No. Also, that's illegal in most parts of the world.
39: Kissed someone of a different ethnicity? Yes.
40: Snuck out of the house? Only once.
41: Had oral sex? Yes.
42: Dyed your hair? Been considering it, but not yet so far.
43: Met someone famous? I met Kyell Gold, so I'mma count that as a yes.
44: Been on a boat? Yes. Usually it's boring as fuck.
45: Been on an airplane? At least twice a year for the past couple years.
46: Prank-called someone? Nah, not really my thing.
47: Been suspended from school? Nope.
48: Been arrested? No. Let's hope it stays that way.
49: Slept in until 5 PM? No, only until about 3.
50: Fallen asleep at work/school? Once or twice in school, yeah.
51: Held a snake? Yeah, they're adorable.
52: Experience love at first sight? No.
53: Gotten fired? Nope, always managed to quit on my own (amicable) terms.
54: Sung karaoke? Yes. Only at conventions though.
55: Pointed a gun at someone? No, and I hope I never have to.
56: Did something you told yourself you wouldn't? I've lost count of how many times I've done this.
57: Laughed until your drink shot out your nose? A few times. That shit hurts.
58: Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes.
59: Had a close brush with death? More times than I care to admit.
60: Saw someone die? Unfortunately, yes.
61: Played Spin-The-Bottle? Yes. Best played after a game of strip poker.
62: Sat on a rooftop? Yup. Fond memories there.
63: Smuggled something into another country? Yes, a cordless angle-grinder.
64: Eaten a bug? Nope.
65: Sleepwalked? Nope.
66: Walked on a moonlit beach? Yes.
67: Ridden a motorcycle? No.
68: Dumped someone? No, I was always on the receiving end there.
69: Lied to avoid a ticket? Yes.
70: Ridden in a helicopter? No.
71: Shaved your head No.
72: Blacked out from drinking? Never, and I've drunk Irishmen under the table.
73: Hit a home run? Nope. Never much cared for baseball.
74: Felt like killing someone? As a stress-relieving fantasy, yes. Never remotely seriously.
75: Puked on an amusement ride? Not since I was 12.
76: Seriously and intentionally boycotted something? Dubai, the Salvation Army, Seaworld, PETA, and Nestle, just to name a few.
77: Knitted? No.
78: Been on TV? Not as far as I know.
79: Fired a gun? Never. Let's hope it stays that way.
80: Gone skinny dipping? Yes.
81: Given someone stitches? I hope not. Can't be 100% sure.
82: Eaten a whole habanero pepper? Yes. Cleared out my sinuses like nobody's business.
83: Drunk straight from a liquor bottle? Yes.
84: Had surgery? Yes, several times.
85: Streaked naked? No.
86: Been taken to a hospital by ambulance? No.
87: Tripped on mushrooms? No. Nearly died from mushrooms when I was 3 though.
88: Passed out when NOT drinking? Came close this one time when a tree fell on my head, but never quite got all the way there.
89: Peed on a bush? Yes.
90: Donated blood? Yes. I am also a registered organ donor.
91: Grabbed an electric fence? I'm not that stupid.
92: Snuck into a movie without paying? No.
93: Been in handcuffs? Yes. Only by choice, though.
94: Questioned your gender identity? Yes, I wrote a whole thing about it here: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/17558775/
95: Been mistaken for someone of a different sex or gender? Yes, several times.
96: Contemplated self-harm or suicide? No, and that honestly kinda surprises me.
97: Lied to a loved one? Fraid so.
98: Cried in public? Not since I was like 6.
99: Used slurs that you now would condemn? A handful of times, yeah. Not proud of doing it, but I'm proud to have learned and improved.
100: Cheated on a lover? No, never.

*wipes sweat from brow*

Whew. I need to lie down for a bit. New writing and new music coming soon.

- Seskra

That's not a joke, or a turn of phrase, or an exaggeration. As of this afternoon he has been officially diagnosed with mental psychosis.

I haven't mentioned my roommate much on here --mostly cause he isn't a furry and his life generally isn't anybody else's business-- but he has quietly been a major positive influence on my life for the past eight months or so. I would go so far as to call him the first friend I've had for a long time (in this country at least), and we've opened up to each other in fairly major, personal ways. I wish we could have met when we were younger, and I happen to know that the feeling is mutual.

There are several reasons for my absence these past few months, but the biggest by far is that I've been doing my best to help him cope with his mental issues. This goes back all the way to September when I helped him sober up from a then-growing alcohol problem. Things were relatively stable, as we went through the process of getting him a therapist, a GP, and a renewed prescription for his anti-depressants, but last month things took a bleak turn. His memory started to seriously deteriorate, and not just in a comically forgetful way; no, we are talking full-on "I don't know what day it is, whether we had classes today or when I last ate" amnesia. His sleep schedule is utterly destroyed, and he barely has any energy. That was enough to get us worried and schedule an appointment with his therapist.

And then he showed me his arm.

He's been cutting himself. And there are signs that he has been contemplating suicide.

I don't know if 'love' is the right word to describe how I feel about my roommate, but definitely I care about him very deeply. So I've spent a lot of time with him ever since that moment: watching movies, playing games, or even just talking (we're the kinda duo for whom a 3-hour talk passes by in the blink of an eye). I've also given him space whenever he needed it, but he's even more frightened by all this than I am, so generally he's been with either myself or his girlfriend.

Today was his examination in the hospital, and there is definitely cause for concern. If I'm being optimistic then I can say that we found out about this on time before he did something he couldn't undo. But we are nowhere near done, and we've only just scratched the surface of his treatment.

I'm hoping to properly return to this place sooner rather than later, but for now I ask for your patience and understanding: this has been a very trying time for everyone here, particularly him. Right now we are hopeful but trepidatious, and there is no telling yet where things will go from here. We're keeping our fingers crossed.

See you all soon, hopefully with happier news.

- Seskra

I am going to try and keep this journal relatively concise and upbeat, because part of me wants me to feel awful about being gone for so long right when I said I'd be back, and I don't want to get caught in a nigh-endless spiral of self-blame (yes I've done this before). So I'll just say this for the record:

I am sorry about my protracted absence; I feel awful about it, and have done so for several weeks now. It made me feel as though I'm distant and uncaring, but more importantly it makes me feel like a liar whenever I say I feel inspired or write one of my many, many variations on "I'm back, baby" (seriously: I've lost count of how many of those I've done). It makes me feel unreliable, as though I can't be depended on when people are expecting me to keep my promises. That is one of the worst feelings in the world for me, and one of the most sure-fire ways to make me hate myself. So if you hate my irregular updates and ever-growing mountain of apologies: rest assured, you're not the only one.

This time I'm going to try and break the cycle, and I need your help to do it. You see, at the bottom of this journal is a list of various projects I've been meaning to put up here on FA: specifically 4 submissions and a journal. I am gonna do something nobody on the internet should ever, ever do, and I'm going to willingly invite everybody reading this to nag, whine, prod, remind, complain and yell at me as much as they want to get me to put that work up there. This does not mean I condone, endorse or request anything abusive or offensive, but a firm and unwavering insistence on commenting and messaging me with reminders is hereby officially approved.

I tend to be most reliable when I have concrete, measurable peer pressure, and this is a (possibly very ill-advised) attempt to weaponize that fact into raw productivity. The list is at the bottom, so feel free to start yelling.

One last thing before we get to that list though: I feel as though I owe you all at least a quick reason for why I've been gone. Part of it was university exams, which understandably took up a fair bit of my time, and some of it was also me getting my life in order by successfully implementing regular schedules for homework for the first time in like 6 years. But I really cannot defend the past two weeks, during which I got sucked into that aforementioned spiral of self-blame and self-loathing and couldn't bring myself to say anything for fear of... I honestly don't even know. Everybody here has always been either extremely kind to me, or at the very least tough but fair, so I don't know why I didn't just write this sooner. I guess I should just be glad this hiatus lasted one month instead of nine, and the fact that this constitutes actual progress makes me a little sad.

What follows are 5 things that have been a long time coming on this profile. I am going to try my very hardest to have all 5 of these done by the end of next week. If I fail to do so, feel free to yell at me and criticize my planning skills. In fact, please do. I'll add links to all of these once they're done.

- Firstly, I actually have a completely finished short story ready to publish that I am going to upload as soon as I've posted this journal. It is 100% done and I have literally no reason to delay it any longer, so I am publishing it tonight. Link: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/17950526/ (1/1)

- Second I have a rather long limerick that has been sitting unfinished for some 3 months now. It's actually a nice bit of character development between Seskra, Jonathan and Katie that frankly should have been done a long time ago, so I'm making that a priority. (0/1)

- Third there is of course the submission that was teased at the end of And She Says My Name, Part 3. This is actually currently planned to be two short stories: one from the point of Erea (which I've already started), and one from the point of view of Seskra (which I've also already started). These hold a lot of personal meaning to me, and are among the top reasons why I've been kicking myself so much these past few weeks. (0/2)

- Fourth, I've been meaning to write some new Dirty Filthy Porn starring Luke & Clay. I haven't started this yet, but I figure I'd put it fairly high on the list as a weaksauce apology for my absence. I'm strongly considering making it their first time: let me know if you've any thoughts on this. (0/1)

- Finally I've also been meaning to do a few specific types of journals, so for my next journal I am going to put up another list of 5 things similar to this one but also I am going to be answering a fuckton of questions. A fair few of those will be from 2 tags that caught my eye, but I will also be answering anything asked by YOU. So if you send me a question between now and the end of next week I promise I'll answer it in the next journal. There is no limit to the number or topics for these questions and I will not include people's names unless they explicitly want their names accompanying their questions, so you can effectively ask anonymously if you prefer.

These 5 things by no means constitute the ungodly backlog I've built up, but I want to try and work through the list one bit at a time: this approach tends to work best for me (and it means you don't have to read a multi-page journal).

I had a rough time this past month, and I'll be honest: there were some dark times mixed in with the rough. But finally I can honestly say again that I am okay. And I'll feel even better once that new short story is uploaded.

Love,

Seskra

I know things have been quiet for a week or two, and I'm sorry for not posting anything and keeping you all out of the loop. Suffice it to say this was a very busy, very challenging two weeks, and sadly it kept me from writing or posting here.

But I'm okay now.

I'm not sure I can put even it into words, but... I'm okay. Better than okay, really: I'm happy. I am so freaking happy right now. Inside of me is a calm contentment the likes of which I haven't felt in an awfully long time. And just knowing that I can still feel that way is... It's a big relief.

Part of me wishes I could say this was because of some particularly good news or because something amazing fell into my lap. But the best part is that this isn't the case. I just had a really good day. And knowing that I don't need some big event or boon to feel this good --that I can smile for hours on end, just because I had a good day-- might be the best news of all. It makes me feel ordinary and human in the best way possible.

It probably doesn't hurt that I've had this song playing on loop for about an hour now: https://youtu.be/SddNAu0oMiU

Yeah, that might have something to do with it.

Regular submissions will resume again this Sunday. I'm glad to be back, and I'm glad to be alive. I hope you are too.

- Seskra.

As I am typing this, FA is in file read-only mode, and has been for the past several hours. I'd apologize for the inconvenience, but this is so far from being my fault that I can't/won't take responsibility for it.

Guess this means you'll all be getting 3 submissions tomorrow. In the meantime... I dunno, bake some banana bread or something.

Some of you more punctual folks may have noticed Friday's submission isn't up yet: that's cause I've had to reschedule it to Sunday. A number of different personal matters came up earlier this week, which meant I didn't have the time I would have liked to work Friday's piece. So instead it'll be up sometime tomorrow, probably after 5-Sentence Sunday. My apologies for the delay: I promise that if something like this happens again, I'll keep track of it and make sure to catch up on the backlog ASAP.

In the meantime I desperately need some shut-eye first: this week was pretty draining.

I rarely, if ever, cry due to art --be it movies, books, music, what have you-- and it is something that I intensely dislike about myself: I've often felt that not only should I cry at certain moments, there have been many times where a big part of me wanted to cry, but couldn't. This is almost certainly a side-effect of my mental illness, and me lacking the social instincts that would normally guide such an emotional response. It's not that I don't feel sad: it's that I can't bring myself to express it. I wish I could --I think it would be very healthy for me-- but very few things have ever gotten me to break down and actually burst into tears. Only two movies have ever succeeded at this, and neither of them were Pixar ventures. Yes, this means I am that one guy who didn't cry during the opening montage of Up!, or during the reboot scene in WALL-E, or during the ending of Toy Story 3.

I am not proud of this: I'm just establishing context.

I mention all of this because as of this writing it has been a little over an hour since I've finished watching Inside Out, and I found myself having a few things to say about it. Really just one thing, frankly, but we'll get to that in a second. I'd just like to preface things first by making the following abundantly clear:

I immensely enjoyed the film, and it is definitely among the best movies in the Pixar canon (which is saying something). It is amazingly heartfelt, and more admirably still: it has an incredibly brave and incredibly important moral/theme that I've been looking to find in children's entertainment for a very long time now. This is very much a movie that I wish could have existed back when I was still a kid myself, but nonetheless I am immensely glad that the children of today and tomorrow get to experience it. It is quietly brilliant, in the best possible way.

Now, I mean every word of what I just said, and I would like everyone to remember that when reading the rest of this journal. If you haven't seen Inside Out yet, then 1) go see it as soon as you can, and 2) THERE WILL BE SPOILERS FROM HERE ON OUT!

I REPEAT: THERE WILL BE SPOILERS FOR THE ENDING OF INSIDE OUT FROM THIS POINT ONWARD!

While the rest of the movie was in my opinion overwhelmingly flawless, there was something about the ending that seemed slightly off to me at the time, and over the course of the past hour I think I've figured out what it was. It didn't ruin the ending by any means, nor even really prevent it from delivering an immensely satisfying emotional climax, but I think there was a missed opportunity that, to me, made the difference between this being "merely" a great movie with a very touching ending, and it becoming the third movie ever to make me cry.

The ending, of course, involves Joy finally letting Sadness take the wheel, as Riley tearfully reunites with her parents after very nearly running away from home. It is a truly powerful scene: the culmination of both Joy and Sadness their character arcs, and the moment where the film's denouement shines clearest. "Sadness is not wrong, nor is it malevolent. It is natural, and important, and above all: meaningful." It works magnificently, and I'd argue that everything in that scene between Riley and her parents is nothing short of perfect.

But I feel as though Sadness her contribution to the scene --here, during her only actual moment in the spotlight throughout the entire movie-- seems a little underwhelming. Of course there is a huge amount of significance just in her contributing at all: the mere fact that Joy finally lets her take the controls is the emotional crux of the entire movie. This is the whole reason why the climax of the film is a quiet, introspective character-moment and not some sweeping dramatic gesture: by stripping away any colorful distractions, the filmmakers effectively force us to appreciate the characters their decisions rather than their actions. The scene, as written, works very well within the theme of the film and the arcs of the characters.

But writing and staging are two different things, and the visual language of the scene can't quite articulate that all-important significance that the writers so desperately want to convey. Sadness saves the day by unscrewing the idea-lightbulb that made Riley run away, and pressing two buttons on the control console. From there the scene mostly focuses on Riley's family, a few reaction-shots from the other emotions, and the Core Memories. It works, but the result is that Sadness her big moment is also a very short moment, wherein she herself has very little screentime and her involvement ends just a little too quickly to be memorable in and of itself.

I think the movie would have benefited greatly if it had extended this scene by just a single extra shot; if Sadness had stayed at the console just a little longer, pushing a few extra buttons and pulling some levers as needed; if her actions had been exactly as simple and un-flashy, but we got to watch them and her just a little bit longer.

I want you to imagine Joy in that scene: imagine the look on her face after Sadness pressed that first button, as music plays in the background. The music isn't sweeping or bombastic: instead it is a humble, simple melody on the piano (you know the one).

And as that piano plays we cut to a shot with the camera down on the floor behind Sadness: she has her back turned to us and is looking up at the view-screen, casually flipping a few switches on the now-blue console. There is no drama, no fanfare; just by doing what she does --by being who she is-- Sadness is saving the day and reuniting Riley with her family.

...

The moment that image sprung into my head I knew it was what I'd been missing in the movie proper, and as far as I'm concerned that's how the scene plays out now whenever I remember it. You're free to disagree of course, but for me, that one extra shot is what finally allowed me to cry at a movie where I desperately wanted to.

- Seskra.

Starting next week, new works will be uploaded here every Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Sundays will of course always be 5-Sentence Sunday, and Wednesdays will be reserved for photographs. Monday and Friday will feature new written works ranging from poetry to porn to short stories to Something Else Entirely's. I actually already have 20 of these 40 planned out, which is everything except the pictures, which are all plucked from my archives, and the 5-Sentence Sundays, which usually take such little time that I'm not too worried about them. Keep in mind that when I say "planned out", I mean I have a rough draft in my head and a crude summary on paper. It's not like I've just been holding 40 completed works out on you guys.

Before that there will still be 2 more photographs today and tomorrow -tomorrow's also being submission #100-, and a special written piece on Sunday to make up for 6 weeks without any writing (outside of journals, obviously). There may also be bonus works uploaded outside of this MWFS-schedule, most likely Something Else Entirely's, but I won't let those delay the usual schedule. Works will probably go up late in the evening/night if you're living in the US, because that's when FA has this good balance where there's lots of late-night people browsing around but the uploads slow down a bit. I'm hoping this will let my stuff hang around the front page a little longer and get some new faces around here. Hey: spider's got to advertise, same as everybody else.

I've also made some enquiries regarding the ref sheets that I mentioned last time. I am not making any promises on this one, but if everything goes according to plan then we might see the first of those in about a month or two. I've been meaning to get those sheets for a while now, because there's certain people that I've hoped to commission for absolutely ages who insist on having a ref sheet to work from (as is of course their right). So if that works out then we might start seeing the occasional commission of Seskra, Erea and who-knows-who-else pop up around here. Fingers crossed.

Now if you'll excuse me, I got 40 submissions to prep.

- Seskra.

I'm happy to announce that the drought plaguing this gallery will be coming to an end later this week: my brother will be departing for New York this weekend, after which written submissions will resume once again. I will also continue posting some of my photography work on here, given how positive the reception has been to the previous two submissions. These will be interspersed with the written works, so look forward to more frequent updates for the next month or two while I dig through my old back-catalogue and track down the stuff that’s good enough to share here.

There may or may not also be some new music on the horizon, but that will probably not really come into play until most of my photography portfolio is up here; I wanna try and pace myself a bit what with the new academic year starting soon, so I'm gonna try not to dogpile too much shit on here at once. I can, however, announce that I'm planning to get official ref-sheets for both Seskra and Erea before the end of the year, and possibly also for a third character who's been waiting in the bleachers for a long time but will hopefully debut soon.

I've really enjoyed getting to spend this summer with my brother but I'm looking forward to the regularity of school-life again, and of regular submissions here. My hand and mind are itching to get back into the game. In the meantime, though, y'all are gonna have to make do with this: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/17445774/

- Seskra.