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Sorry not sorry .3.

My fucking GOD I HATE MY BODY! I just want to sleep and i fucking CAN'T! JUST SLEEP!!! STOP WORRYING ABOUT SHIT FOR ONCE AND JUST SLEEP, IGNORE YOUR BROTHER WHO IS STILL ON HIS COMPUTER AT 2AM EVERY NIGHT AND THE LIGHT AND EVERYTHING JUST FUCKING SLEEP!!!

I fucking can't, I just can't! I JUST WANT TO SLEEP! I'VE BEEN LAYING IN BED FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF TRYING TO SLEEP AND I CAN'T!

I can't get sleeping pills, i can't get my own room, i can't make my brother get off his computer, i can't FUCKING SLEEP!

I'm fucking crying, i need fucking sleep and I can't get it and I HATE MY FUCKING BODY! JUST LET ME FUCKING SLEEP!

WHATS WRONG WITH YOU! JUST SLEEP FOR FUCK SAKES, JUST FUCKING SLEEP!!!

For once in my goddamn life i just want to get to sleep at a normal time but i can't and I know i need to but i can't and i want to but i can't and i just want to sleep...

Its so amazing /) *3* /)

I HATE its when i'm doing a shit tonne of art coursework or revision for my exams or something then i don't realize the time and its suddenly 1am and my step dad comes in and has a go at me! I get that he wants me to sleep but i don't have any other time to do it! He just thinks i'm up playing video games and shit well NOOOO GUESS WHAT?! I HAVE AN ALL DAY ART EXAM ON MONDAY AND HAVEN'T FINISHED MY COURSEWORK YET! HAHAHAHHHAHHAHAAAAAAA! FUCK YOU!!!

I NEED TO STAY UP TO ACTUALLY GET IT DONE YOU PRICK! uhg.

I know i'm shit at sleeping and i'm always bitchy cause i'm always tired but would you rather have me being a bit tired and bitchy or me actually passing my GCSEs?

fuck.

So as i doubt many of you know, i worked at a sport center all throughout last summer I loved it. honestly. It had to be one of my best summers every. I did it all as a volunteer too! And i was given this fleece/jacket as uniform. Now, I very so appreciated and special and accepted when i got this jacket... I LOVE this jacket!

So i worked for the summer, then on my last day i asked the woman who was mt acting boss at the time if they wanted my jacket back after i'd washed it. She said that i could keep it and i was SO HAPPY! It is so comfortable and fluffy and HECK i have no idea how but its a fleece and water rolled right off it!

So this sports center is also connected to my school. So i wanted to show off a little to my friends and wore the fleece into school. It was really nice and best of all, i didn't get told off by teachers because it was uniform for the sport center and technically the school (i'd have to year a tacky blazer otherwise -3- i hate my blazer its to uncomfortable!)

So i've been wearing this fleece every day for the past half a year... I fucking love this fleece, i wear it even when i don;t have school.. I wear it for comfort, not just physically... I ever put my lucky Gloomy Bear on the zipper!

Do any of you know what thats like...? to love something so so much that it becomes a part of who you are and always makes you happy and you don't feel normal unless you wear it? because thats what this fleece made me feel like,.. Normal... I'm a normal teenager who has a normal summer job and a normal jacket thats part of the normal uniform...

Or i was...

Today, while i was walking out of school late with my friend (we had stayed behind to do Artwork) i got stopped by someone who worked at the center. I knew her vaguely, but not much. she asked why i had the jacket and i explained and told her that (lets call my acting boss 'Jill') Jill had let me keep it after the summer. So we went to talk to Jill and she said that she didn't know. So this lady (how about 'Rosie') explained that she had seen me around the school wearing it and that she told her manager who said that I shouldn't have it... That Jill shouldn't of let me keep it...

So i walk out, feeling absolutely destroyed... This thing, this fleece that had become like a second layer of skin to me... I had to give it away... So i go home, and i just feel so... Empty... I had to give it back... Yes, i had to give it back tomorrow not just then, but still...

Don't get me wrong, i understand that if i'm not currently working at the center and am wearing the uniform around there might be a problem because if i did something bad then its a bad representation of them and stuff, but this fleece was a part of me...

It made me, 'me'...

I end up explaining about Rosie to my mum and she emails Jill about it and Jill says that she never said I could keep it. But Y'know what? My entire family was home when i first got home and told them i was allowed to keep it. They all saw how happy I was. My mum has been friends with Jill for a few years and apparently this is just how she is, she lies and lies and lies if its going to get her out of trouble.

My mum is taking the jacket back tomorrow for me and talking with the manager and stuff... They said they weren't going to take me back during this summer because of 'problems' i had last summer (which there really wasn't any of) so now i've lost two things... A whole part of myself and my summer job... They were gunna take me back on in the summer as a paid worker but now they're saying they're not...

I don't know what i'm going to do... I mean, its just a jacket right? I kept telling myself that over and over but it didn't help! Because to me it wasn't 'just a jacket', it was a part of my very being!

You all know my Fursona, Ace. You all know the pink hoodie he wears. Well, this fleece is my 'pink hoodie'. Its my comfort, its my look, its 'me'.

What upsets me the most isn't that they're taking this part of me, its that it took them so long to do it... It would have been so much easier if they had just called up a week after the summer and been like 'oh hey sorry can you give the jacket back' instead of taking this long!

I'm sorry about this unstructured rant and vent, i just needed to get this off my chest and tell someone...

I can't upload it here because the file is too big but i made an animation i'm super proud of so PLEASE go and watch it!

So Last night i was feeling super Little for the first time in AGES!!! So what i did was I double-diapered and put on my dino-print onesie .///.

So i stayed like that then eventually went to bed. I may have soaked my diapers while i was sleeping >///<

So I wake up but i'm still feeling little. So being me, instead of changing out of the diapers I put two more on top of it!

I then put on my butterfly plastic pants over my diapers and then my shortalls over my onesie and I'm wearing fluffy socks and i feel so smaaaaaaall!!!

4 diapers .///. I haven't been padded in ages and i just cannot walk without waddling and i'm so noisy >.>

So i made something i'm super proud of but its an mp4 video file so imported that into an adobe flash file to turn it into a swf but its being dumb and not working so i'm currently in the process of fiddling and messing around a lot with the files to convert it into an swf so i can actually upload it here -3-

so much stuff to do, not enough time ;~;

I've just sat at my desk for 7 hours hunched over doing art coursework and animation and OOWWWWW MY BACK!

;~;

So I just found a video compilation of like 50 people who either recieved damaged switches or managed to put the grip accessory for the joycons UPSIDE DOWN!!! And they just don't come off. I mean, seriously?! Just actually look at what you're doing you morons -_-

Oh and its true... Nintendo switch game cartridges do taste horrible ;~;

Also, very happy i got the red and blue version as the grey one seems to have a lot of problems with the joycons such as not connecting or having weak clips when attached to the tablet part of the console.

https://youtu.be/eXBqf4Gfuo0

I can't.

I just can't.

You win this round, internet xD

So all this week I've had moc exams every day. I have one on monday, two on truesday, two wednesday, two thursday and I have one on this friday. I've been taking ym anxiety meds every day twice a day to keep myself from doing stupid things (apart from wednesday when i forgot in the morning, only answered 2 questions out of 24 on the exam paper and was gagging and feeling like i was going to be sick the whole time and very close to a panic attack ;~;)

But i only have a maths exam left and i think i'll be fine with it. I also found out I have a lot longer than i thought to finish my actual GCSE art exam so thats good!

But, all through this week theres been two songs that have helped me stay happy and get through it, and I know this is gunna sound very silly but they are both by Parry Gripp and called Space Unicorn and Neon Pegasus. Hold your laughter, cause they both are awesome songs.

Space unicorn: https://youtu.be/17o1OlroNSE
Neon Pegasus: https://youtu.be/EiO9_PJ0h8Q

But they just feel really really inspirational to me, even if they are made to be silly and fun!

Dunno, thought I'd share these thought. Oh also, I have like 30 drawings i should probably upload here but it just takes so much time. I mean, i've designed two new characters and done a bunch of stuff i'm quite proud of but i just can't put in the effort to upload it all here as well as study and work on my exam but i really want to try and upload here AND I want to upload an audio file of me singing but I can't find the time!

Someone freeze time for me so I can get all this stuff done ;~;

So you guys all know the board game I got right that i really really love and am starting to paint the figures for? Well me and my friends all agreed we'd play it this week instead of DnD because my gf (the DM for the campaign) wont be there this week. I've been super excited for this and have been learning how to play and stuff and how to run a game of it but on the group chat for DnD we have set up one of them just said that he'd be DMing this week EVEN THO WE ALL AGREED ON MY GAME! :c

Its really frustrating cause i've been looking forward to this for a week and he just jumps in and says that we're not doing it, nobody objects even tho we already planned on playing my game! I said that i thought we were playing my game and he said we should vote on it -_- even though we already agreed LAST WEEK that we'd play mine!

;~; help me

So I had my first of 7 moc exams today, i think it went pretty well. But as i was walking back from the library at lunch with my friends I went to do this stupid joke that me and one of them do where you stick your arms out behind you and duck your head as you run and scream 'NARUTOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!' (get it? like naruto, the anime, where they all run with their arms behind them and heads ducked) So yea I didn't realise how heavy my bag was and went flying forwards, skidding along the floor on my hands and knees (hard tarmac floor ;~;) I didn't really realise what had happened and I got up, my hands were all bloody T~T So i went to the nurse and she cleaned me up and put some plasters on my hands and i noticed biiiig holes in my trousers (my mum is gunna be super mad :'c ) and I had managed to get biiig cuts and scrapes and bruises all over my knees. So more cleaning and plasters and I was kinda ok! My hands were swollen so I could't write and i walked a little funny but otherwise i was ok. I got the math, did the lesson (couldn't write tho ;~; teacher wasn't happy about that) and then went over to my bike to go home. The swelling had gone down so I put my riding gloves on and started to go home. It hurt a little to ride my bike at first but I had hardcore 80s rock to fuel me, NOTHING COULD STAND IN MY WAY! \(*3*)/

So ye, I have to cancel my crossfit (gym) session tonight because I can't do the workout we were supposed to do with all these cuts and stuff. I took all the plasters off and rolled up my trousers as well as cleaning off the cuts a little more. I have to let them have air so they scab over and I can do stuff! T~T Whats more annoying is I drew all over my hand before it all happened and now i can't wash it off cause ink will get in the cuts and my mum hates when i draw on my hands ;c

So ye, I haz a boo boo ;~;

So I've spent a weekend in Bristol with my family (minus my brother) visiting some family friends. I managed to buy some paints for my figures and it was really fun actually. Now into the title of the journal.

While I was there, we went to an arcade on the last day. I love arcades and they had an old fashioned kind of space invaders type game that was fun! I also went and played on the claw-machines like i always do. I only spent £3 in it and was lucky enough to get a plushie lion! Now I still had 3 goes left in the machine but i quickly went off and gave it to my little sister (she loved it!, it was super fluffy *3* ) but the second i walked off these little chavs went and started using MY GOES on the machine! They won the Tiger plushie that i had also been trying to get and then used up the last of the goes which really pissed me off -~-

Cause it was my money! So we stayed in the arcade a little longer and my sister and her friend played air hockey, we got some sweeties too. So as we were about to leave, i was still pretty annoyed and the kids what stole my goes on the machine were still in the arcade. My mum, step dad, sister, mum's friend, her daughter and her other daughter all walked out and i quickly went over to the chavs and looked down at them (i'm pretty tall y'know :3 ) in my black coat with my hair tied back and was all like "I think that belongs to me."

And they were TERRIFIED! xD So the one holding the tiger said "what?" and I said "I paid for that and you took it" Sooo they handed it over and I walked out to my sister like "winner!" :D

Now you may think i was being mean, but I really don't do things like that. It just really annoyed me that I spent money on the machine and then they went and pretty much stole my money. And i'm sure you all know just how rigged those machines are, so winning something on it is a super duper special thing! I was actually really proud of myself because I'd usually walk away and then later on regret it but hey! I can be menacing when i need to >:3

I think its just really good to assert yourself when something like that happens. I really wanted that tiger so I went and got it back! :3

OK SO THE GAME WITH ALL THE MINIARTURES ARRIVED TODAY AND OOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MYYYYYYYY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!!!

They are so much better than i thought, they're made with a thicker and stronger but still very detailed resin/plastic than most other minis, they're all either super cute or awesome, theres OVER 200 CARDS TO PLAY THE GAME WITH aaaaaaaand it came with like 4 instruction booklets that i have to get to reading xD

But oh damn, what a bargain! £45 for 58 minis! Each mini by themselves usually costs around £8 all the way up to £25 so you can imagine how awesome it is to get these really well made, well crafted and ADORABLE minis for only £45!

Also, they come fully assembled as 1 piece minis so no gluing or sticking. Weeell... thats not entirely true. One of the minis' legs that were attached to it's base was snapped off. Its easily fixable, and for only 1 out of 58 minis to be broken during shipping is actually really damn good!

So all in all i'm super happy with the game! I even made an unboxing video that will end up on my youtube channel at some point in the future. It was all first time reaction too! I'm planning on buying some paints before I go to play DnD today with my friends so I'll be able to start painting my figures next week (going away at the weekend with family so can't paint :c )

I'm also planning on recording some footage of me and my friends playing the game once we've all learnt how and we get around to it!

Now if only i knew how to actually play the game... xP I'll learn!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've been offered a place for a 3d animation course at collage!!!

:'3

SO! My hoodie arrived a week ago and i forgot to say, I LOVE IT ! Its a Pink power ranger one, i wore it in one of the latest videos on my youtube so go check that out if you wanna see. Also, I'm getting back into painting miniatures! I used to love doing it when i played Warhammer40k but i managed to somehow loose an entire army so i got super upset and stopped. I then bought a few Age of Sigmar minis but i never took them out of the box. BUT! When i was in london at the weekend with my Dad, we went to a table top games shop that he used to go to when he was my age (he's almost 50 and i'm 16 o3o and its still running and has the same owner!!!) AND i saw some awesome looking minis in the window that my dad ended up buying me. We found out they were from a game called 'Super Dungeon Explorers' but they are super adorable and Chibi styled figures that i can use as DnD figures. So I may have bought the game and an extra figure, gunna buy some paints soon and start painting them as soon as they arrive! I really can't wait, I used to be pretty good at painting minis so I'm excited to get it back into it!

Its just so adorable T~T http://www.tipsyelves.com/unicorn-costume

I need commissions ;~; pweeeaaase???

Sooo this week I'm starting the 3 week prep and work I am allotted to plan my final piece, do artist research, explore different techniques and mediums, practice and potentially start my final piece for my GCSE Art Exam!!! I got a B in my MOC art exam so i'm really hoping i make it to an A this time around! Although i'm starting to think that the artists i've chosen to focus on don't link very well to the theme of "walking" I chose so i could make an animation for my final piece ^^'

But there are just NO artists that focus on walking! I hope that my teacher will allow my choices >~<

Anyways, its 1am and i just spend the last 5 hours doing artist research xD i better sleep lol

Sooo a month ago I ordered a hoodie off amazon! It was a hoodie i've wanted for SOOOOOOO long!

It finally arrived today, so when i got home from school i saw the package and raced up to my room! I opened it in a hurry, tearing the plastic bags off!

I started putting it on and was so, SO happy!

Then i saw the sleeves... were too long.
The hem... we too low.
The zip... was broken.

*breath*





AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SERIOUSLY?! THAT HOODIE COST £40 AND THEY SEND ME THE WRONG SIZE, WITH A BROKEN ZIPPPER!!!

*breath*

So I'm sending it back -_- getting a refund and i'm gunna buy it again, hope they get the right size this time. The only reason i'm getting a refund and not a replacement is because there was no option in the "refund and replacement" area of the Return section that said "replacement" only a Refund option. *sigh* Guess i'll wait another month!

-3-

Listening to some of the Steven universe songs... It makes me realise how much I relate to song of the subjects of said songs and how much music influences my life.

From big things, like calming down when I'm really worked up, to the tiniest of things like how I walk!

No seriously, I used to be called a "beatwalker" behind my back at school. People thought it would annoy me, but I bloody loved it! You can instantly tell what kind of song I'm listening to by the way I walk! Also, if i'm listening to electronica, you can usually see my fingers going crazy and locking in time to the music because i'm weird like that lol.

I really do want to try and get into making my own music or at least covering songs, just need to get better at singing and learn an instrument x3 I've always loved the Drums.

Big loud crashy things that make music?! HECK YEA!!! XD

My brother used to have drums, I broke them from playing them too hard lol.

But I'd like to know how music changes the way you guys do stuff! From your mood, to your body!

YAAAAAAAY!!! I got STUFF!!!

I posed a video to my youtube if anyone wants to watch it >.>

https://youtu.be/GdNFIdDB1Ks

So I'm thinking of getting singing lessons... I love singing and lately i've been singing at home with my family here and they're crack a joke and I'll laugh it off.

I think i'm an ok singing but i want to do some covers of my favorite songs this year. I might end up posting a video somewhere of me singing at some point but don't get your hopes up >.>