So yesterday I did a poll on DeviantArt if anyone would ever be interested in hypothetically owning a print of my newest Niti picture. 75% of those polled said yes... SOOOO now I decided to sell it using DeviantArt's Print Program. And the price, especially for photo prints, feels quite reasonable to me. :D I'll be using DeviantArt's print service to make and mail the finished prizes from my raffle. And guess what? As it seems to have turned out, everyone who won is getting an 8.5 x 11 inch print as it will be the most convenient way to have prints made through DeviantArt. ^^

I have had a really emotionally taxing day today... concerning anger. I've gotten enraged at three different people today... for reasons that shouldn't have warranted it. I feel like a horrible friend... I feel like I should be better than this... and I wanted to die so much after the third one... I blocked him for a short time as a time out for him and myself on Skype, as I tend to do after huge blow-ups so no one picks at each other to make the situation worse... and then I laid down on my bed and cried. And then I remembered what I've talked about since early February with my counselor. It's like... early to mid February, and then late February to now... I have gone in there weekly and talked about anger and rage and frustration. Then... last Wednesday, she told me she has noticed this, which brought it to my attention. After looking at what's been going on with me lately to see what may be happening internally to cause such huge and frequent outbursts... I think we found it. March 24... the last time I talked to Niti... before having her taken away from me forever by her father. An anniversary such as this could easily trigger grief, which I seem to act out in two primary emotions. Rage... and despair. Both of which have been popping up, even right next to one another in the past weeks. My friends on Skype could tell you all about that. One has even told me recently that lately I'm down more frequently than up.

After all this... I just want the day to end... I just want this anniversary to pass... so I can be fine... hopefully till June, when her birthday comes up...

3rd place: Reshading an old piece... complete

2nd place: Half body of Niti... sketching phase

1st place: Full body of Kim... finalizing references with the winner.


That is all :D

After throwing the entry numbers into Random.org's random number drawing service, I've got the winners!

Drum roll please...


The First Prize, a full body request to be made into a print goes to...

Marcusdaimon2 at DeviantArt! He gets a pin-up of Kim! Congratulations!


Now, the second prize, a half-body request to be made into a somewhat smaller print goes to...

MrSoucho at DeviantArt! You win a pin-up of Niti! Congrats!


Finally... the third prize, a print of any previous picture of mine goes to...

 chubeko4! Get in touch with me about what picture you'd like printed, and if you'd like me to reshade it. :D


Well that was exciting for me. ^^ Everyone who won something, send me a note with what you'd like me to make you/print you. And while you don't have to give it to me till it's ready to be shipped, you have to be okay with giving me an address of some kind you can pick it up at so you can get your prize.

Tomorrow's Saturday guys! The raffle ends as soon as my new comic page is up on DA! If you want a chance to win a print, your time is almost up! There are three prizes up for grabs, so plenty chance to win something as the odds are now.

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7381240/
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7381240/
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7381240/

It's Wednesday guys. :D we have 11 entries now. We just need one more entry to unlock a second and third prize. We got till Saturday if you still want to enter!

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7381240/
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7381240/
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7381240/

I want to have a raffle. The prize? You get to request your favorite character of mine to be drawn for a pinup, general pose and clothing included in the request if you'd like... and that will be made into an 8x10" art print... and shipped to you! If the winner is in the United States, I'll even pay for the shipping! And then if anyone else wants a print of said picture after the fact, I'll be selling them for a price that's to be decided. Here's the catch though. I want to have at least more than six entries in the raffle so that the odds are more interesting. So this journal will be posted on both DeviantArt and FurAffinity.

EDIT: I plan on making a second and third prize if I get 12 entrants into the raffle... The second prize winner gets a half-body request of their character of choice and printed as a 4x6" print. The third place prize? That winner gets to choose any picture I have made of my characters (preferably with a transparent background). I will then take that picture, and if the winner desires, reshade it so it looks a little more up to date (provided I still have the original PDN file), then have it made into a 4x6" print and shipped to them. ^^

Anyway, if you'd like a free print, comment below with the character you'd like a print of. :3

I should just... stop doing lets plays... until I can get a video editor to work with... cuz I suck at it... so hard... and it's so demoralizing... it makes me want to quit because of how draining it is and how shitty everything always turns out. I wish I didn't have to video edit... if I had someone who could do it for me... I wouldn't have such a fucking problem. But I have very few friends in town... and I am not about to send gigabyte after gigabyte to friends over the web... and I can't afford to pay someone to edit for me... especially since D-PAD is not monetized... So I'm gonna just finish editing up what footage I have left... upload the shitty finished product... delete all the raw files off my PC... and then leave a message on the channel that it's going on hiatus for an indeterminate amount of time.

I've failed on keeping the channel up to date... on keeping uploads coming... on editing anything of quality... and I'm hanging it all up after I'm done putting out episodes with what is left to edit...

I took my dog Flappy to the vet. I love this dog more than any animal I've ever known. They did an X Ray of his chest to look at his lungs, since he's been coughing a lot for the past few weeks. And... it looks like he probably has cancer... We don't know anything more than that. I'm just hoping we get a biopsy done to at least see if anything can be done. Anything that would at least make me have more time with him. I can't lose him yet... I'm not strong enough to handle it. He only warmed up to me a few years ago and made me his second favorite person... so I have had so many wasted years.


... And the grief I feel knowing he's going to die has torn open the scars left from Niti's passing... It's too much... I just can't take it anymore!!

EDIT: My dad does not seem interested in trying to help Flappy. He doesn't even seem interested in running tests to see if he can be help. Because he's "just a dog". Even though he's loved by his wife and children more than any other animal they've ever had before. Apparently this dog's life is not worth a few hundred dollars to see if he can be saved. He works two fucking jobs! He teaches law school at night and has a cozy office job in risk management at TD Ameritrade during the day. He can pay for this shit!

Happy New Year to all of my watchers! I wish you all well in 2016. ^^ I'm about to post a couple of alternate versions of Gwen's new picture that I made out of a desire for being creative the other night, and then work on a small frame-by-frame animation project that's simple, a little silly, and kinda pervy involving a certain purple-pubed vixen. xD It's not gonna be anything disrespectful to her image of course, I've probably done even pervier with her to be honest. What the animation will be of will be a surprise, so anticipate something fun. ;D

I opened up an alt account for storing commission, requests and gifts I've gotten over the years. The account is  gilded-silverfox. For anyone who watches me on DA, that name should be familiar. I chose it because that way no one can take the name and impersonate me. If you want a convenient place to see all the stuff of my creations drawn by other people without having to jump from artist profile to artist profile, this is the place to go. It's gonna be quite helpful to me personally. Of course, all artists featured in this account's gallery will be linked on their respective art, and they'll even also be listed on the profile page. ^^ Anyway, check it out if you like.

Today is December 24, 2015. It's been two years to this day that Niti passed away. It's so hard, and it makes me really sad. And it's going to be tough putting up a facade in order to keep people at our gigantic annual Christmas Eve party from knowing just how tormented I am. It's just so taxing on my mind. I have difficulty expressing the pain. Earlier I spent a good 10 minutes or so crying in the privacy of my room after I couldn't mask it from my family much longer. I didn't want to bring them down. I could have probably cried longer, but I had to get myself to stop. My nose was completely plugged from what the crying was doing to my sinuses, and I couldn't breathe.

Christmas Eve used to be the most festive day of the year for me. I got a couple presents early and I would spend lots of time having a blast at our annual party. But since 2013 it's been torturous... and I almost wish that we didn't have to have the party so I couldn't risk breaking down in front of people who don't know about my troubles. I just... I wish I had something like a Niti doll... or a fresh picture of Niti to gaze upon... something that would bring me comfort in this dark time for me. It drives me crazy.

For the first time since August, I finished a traditional sketch! This is wonderful news for me! I have tried and failed a few times since then to sketch something, resulting in the last of my paper being consumed, if you'll remember I needed some about a month ago. I did do a collab with my friend Karatov on DA since then, but I did my part all digital. But either way, I decided since it's time to celebrate for me, I'd let you guys in on what I'm drawing. I'm drawing my very first Gardevoir, named Lyn. She's a character of mine that I designed for playing as in a Pokemon-themed roleplay game with a new friend of mine that I recently met on here named  Axel024. c: They're going to draw their Serperior character they designed for the game named Chase too and post him soon. The roleplay game we decided would be a romantic one after we learned that we both really, really feed off of romantic art and stories. We love them. So Chase and Lyn are going to fall in love eventually. c: Which given that I have a lot of feminine tendencies, I make an alright female when in such a game. Maybe even better than I do males to be honest xD

The picture I'm working on will be only gradient colored, no cell-shades. I want to ease myself into my routine bit by bit, and don't want to demoralize because of the most time-consuming part of the process hitting me immediately. c: I'm sure you understand.

Since I got my paper at the start of the month, I've told myself over and over every weekend I was going to draw something. I especially want to get the QnAs done. I haven't forgotten about them and I feel ashamed I have taken this long. I almost want to just give up on the questions remaining and start fresh some other time when I'm more motivated. I don't know when that'll be, but I hope it's soon. I have this small feeling it'll be somewhat easier to get stuff done when I actually have started, but it's SO FREAKIN HARD to motivate myself to just PICK UP A PENCIL! It makes me want to cry because I've fallen into this state when 2 years ago to this date I was at the height of my production, putting out like, 20 deviations in September, and a decent amount in October and November too. I don't know what to DO anymore...

I'm on new ADHD medication now, so I have a much stronger focus now. I want to try getting back into art. But I have a problem. I have no paper. No paper means no artwork. So I was hoping someone would bite on a commission that's maybe $10 or more so I can use the money to buy some paper. That means I wouldn't get started on your piece right as you pay, you'd have to wait for me to withdraw the money and order some high quality paper off Amazon. I always go with Hammermill, and it's on sale on Amazon at this moment for $5.57 + $2.99 for shipping for 500 sheets. That's 76% off. Any remaining money that I get from commissions will be used as padding toward funding a New 3DS XL. I need that before December for a certain purpose that I've been planning out since August, so I'm trying to scrape together what I can. Please consider me. I can draw canids well, and I have been practicing felids behind the scenes. I haven't quite reached a catlike face yet, it's still pretty canine, but it's close enough in my book that I'm offering to draw cats. I have my commission sheet and an example of my most recent attempt at drawing a felid-like face linked below. That doubles as a preview for a character I have yet to reveal, btw. :D

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/17382576/
http://sta.sh/01yq1mhmz7h0

I just got home from the hospital about a half hour ago. I'm getting help for my depression. Going to be going to something called Partial Day Therapy. I'll be there 5-6 hours a day, 5 days a week. Dunno when I start, but hopefully it'll be soon...

I want to give up on many things... and drawing is one of them. And that makes me so fucking sad. I don't see much else to live for at this point... I feel like I should just end it... ugh.

I'm feeling like I'm letting my skills go to waste and I can't think of a way to motivate myself internally at this time. So I thought for the time being I'd try and get externally motivated and see if that will kickstart myself. Here's the deal. I have only a couple of art friends who are at my level or better who I'd be willing to collaborate with, but one is busy beyond belief, one doesn't seem like the type who'd collab, and the other is kind of hard to catch for communication, as she is 13 time zones away. And I'd like to be in contact via Skype for this as it'd make it much easier to communicate and pass work around than notes and the sta.sh system. So I'd like to know if there are any digital artists out there who would be interested in collaborating with me? You've seen MY work, so you know what I can do. So send me a few pieces of YOUR (non-pornographic) digital work in the comments below so I can be the judge of whether or not I want to work with you. Hopefully I'll get a bite or two, I really think it'd be great to have a collab partner to help motivate me from the exterior.


Also, a side note. I tried to get in contact with Niti's sister Kim the other day to try and make amends, and that picture of Foxy Kim I recently posted that I got from  Nuka_foxy3 was a gift for her. And guess what? We're starting fresh! We're communicating again! That makes me very happy!~

I can feel my hope for my art slipping away. It almost feels like something physical... like I'm becoming numb and sluggish. I've been completely and entirely uninspired for a long time now. And I tried muscling through it with a "don't break the chain" thing, but that's garbage. There is no chain. It's not a tangible thing. It only exists because I pretend it does. And everything I made while trying that crap ended up looking like shit and I scrapped it all... because it wouldn't be worth keeping or showing. And I don't like drawing without having something to show for it. Or else I feel like I'm wasting time, I'm wasting energy, and I'm wasting materials. I thought maybe it was time to finally give up on drawing for a moment earlier today, and my friend even said "if it's causing you this pain, it might be a good idea". That's horseshit. It doesn't pain me, it just makes me unhappy that I'm letting my skills waste away. And if I gave up... I would definitely feel regret... I'd feel unsatisfied. I already know it'd be foolish to give it up, but I'm not sure what to do with myself to occupy my art time and my mind... wish someone would give me something to do. But I am not about to open up requests. I already have QnAs stalled in queue. That didn't work out well, and that was like requests, sorta...

The huge lack of artwork I've done this year and last year is really dragging on me. I don't think I've done even 50 pieces, even including minor ones, since December 2013. I have a feeling that my grieving process is taking a toll on my interest in doing things, as I often get into that LOVELY situation where I'm irritated or bored and can't think of anything to occupy myself. But it doesn't feel like a good enough reason to excuse my lack of work, and it's depressing. One of the things that really makes me feel the worst is the fact I opened up QnAs all the way back in May, I only had 6 questions to do, they're really easy, quick sketches, and I still haven't completed them. I feel like I'm making them more difficult than they need to be, as I did a somewhat dynamic pose for Matt and I started to do that for Vivienne too. And it made me frustrated when it didn't work out. So... I guess I should stick to very easy poses like I did for the first two QnAs. I'm going to try and do a "Don't Break The Chain" thing, where four times a week I draw for 15-20 minutes minimum on assigned days. And I'll mark on the calendar which days I do something. If I fill out a month, I'll treat myself by buying a new retro game for my collection using my savings account. And not any cheap $5 game either. Depending on how many days I miss is how much money will be deducted from my budget for rewards. $30 for a full month, $25 if I miss one day, $20 for two days, and $15 for three days missed. Any more than that and I don't get any reward that month. So yeah, hoping I can motivate myself with adding to my collection. And having the willpower to not reward myself when I don't do the work.

I cried in a way I haven't cried since the night Niti passed away. I cried for at least an hour... and so hard my nasal passage constricted and I couldn't breathe through my nose. I needed her help... but I will never get her help... she's gone. She's gone forever... never coming back. I'm sick of this Goddamn world and everything in it... including myself. I'm sick of living this Hellish, God-forsaken existence of mine... I don't care anymore... I have given up.

Now, the game audio is distorted due to some technical difficulties I couldn't have possibly foreseen. And it's poor enough I'm worried about sharing this at all. I tried stripping that distorted game audio as best as I could from the mic feed, but I'm still worried about something. I'm worried the poor sound quality will kill the like/dislike bar and interest in our work in general... We can do better sound than that, it's just we had one screw-up, you know. Anyway, here it is:

https://youtu.be/GHBRhbMPscY

Hey guys! This is Gilded-Silverfox. One half of my upcoming Let's Play channel, D-PAD MADNESS. D-PAD MADNESS is a Let's Play channel that focuses on two things. Video games that are at least 10 years old, and classic franchises in modern times. We may play something new on occasion as a break, but it won't likely be often. It's a collaboration between my best friend Brendan and myself, and we are going to try playing lots of games from our company passions. Nintendo for both of us, SEGA for me, and Atari for Brendan. We will post either twice weekly for when we have no long games running (Tuesday and Saturday) and when we have a long game, we'll post episodes of that game on Tuesday and Saturday, with a Thursday episode of something else as an intermission.

Next week, we'll be posting some SEGA Saturn games. Sonic 3D Blast on Tuesday and Saturday, and Daytona USA: Championship Circuit Edition on Thursday.

First Episode should be up (providing there are no technical difficulties) on Tuesday, August 11th. Don't miss it!



... OH! And we also have an associate in Let's Playing. :3  mancoin has a channel called PlayFennec where he plays lots of PC games. We'll hopefully be collaborating lots on his channel eventually, either with me solo or Brendan and I together with him. Go poke around on his channel too, he's got some nice stuff to watch.

D-PAD MADNESS' channel is here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCa.....F0rQp69DKWnDUQ
PlayFennec is right here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCr.....UGbxY4QgKXVEeg

Yes, it's that whole song and dance from a year and a half ago, but this time two things have changed. One, more important of the two, I have a little more confidence in my abilities. And two, I need some money. You see, my best friend Brendan and I want to start a gaming channel on Youtube called D-PAD MADNESS. Between the two of us, we have a decent selection of games to play so we don't need to worry about stuff to play for a while. But what we need right now is the equipment. We have none of it. And while we both get a little money, him from work and me from going out of my way to help my parents all the time, it probably won't be enough to get a decent start with our gear after we pay our expenses. So I'm trying to raise any bit of money I can by opening up commissions. I'll have two slots, but I will keep taking them after each one is finished until I have at LEAST $60, give or take. Give it some thought, and if you can contribute to a shared dream of my friend and I, please do.

Commission sheet here: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/17180574/

In my return, I got much more attention than I anticipated. There's too much for me to be able to keep up with. I want to thank everyone, but I got a wall of feedback messages that caused me some anxiety looking at, so I deleted all of them and instead decided I'd thank you all here. ^^ So I'll try to keep this place on track, cuz I even got some new watchers as well from the string of pictures I posted. I hope everyone here, new or not, enjoys once more what I put out. :3