Just feel like even if no one notices I should at least keep this place up to date. I mean, I get more attention here than on Nabyn anyway.

I've been thinking about my leave from here, and how despite me going, basically no one has really unwatched me. So I just feel like maybe that is a sign that people actually do care about my work. Either that or they care so little that they didn't notice I was gone. So I am asking anyone that reads this that actually still is paying attention to me at this point to write something, ANYTHING down below to indicate if they want me back. I just... I want to see if it's even worth it. :\

I feel like I want to just close up shop here on FA. I feel like so much interest in my work on here has vanished. I used to feel welcome here. I feel like in the past people were more engaged with me. But now it feels like I rarely get to interact with even my watchers. The way I feel about how I display my artwork is how I feel a symphony would be like performing for an audience that consists of mostly empty seats. As time has gone on it's become too demotivating, and I just don't feel the desire anymore to keep posting here. Unless something happened to turn around this feeling of being... undervalued I don't think I can keep going. It's gone on too long and I can't take it any longer.

So am I going to once again delete all my artwork and journals? No. But as I said I don't think there will be any added to this gallery. If you have a DeviantArt account, you can watch me there. There's no difference in content, and I am more active there and I don't think I'll be leaving there anytime soon.

I may start posting here again if something turns my feelings around. But regardless of whether I continue to post things here or not I will maintain this profile and communicate with you on it if you so desire to communicate. I'm sorry to you all that this is happening...

Well, that was a bit of an absence right there. That was because I was so scared to see what they had to say that I couldn't get myself to even turn on my computer. But they didn't block me. Nor did they say a word to me. And as for whether or not I grieve for feeling deserted... not so much anymore. Not after talking to Julie, my counselor, on Tuesday. Julie asked me to write something down and recite it whenever this loss troubles me. She told me to write "I need to remember that I did nothing wrong by sharing my feelings. The reactions of **** and ******* has to do with them, not me." What does this mean? Well, Julie says that I probably did the right thing after all by speaking up about my feelings, my fears. I cared about them and felt some sense of trust. Enough that I trusted them to understand my feelings. They didn't. They couldn't "handle the truth" so to speak, and that is why they reacted how they did. Is it anyone's fault they couldn't handle the truth? No, it isn't.

Alright, onto the sweet news. Today at Community Alliance, I was approached by one of the facilitators, named Rodger. Now Rodger is an artist. An excellent one at that. As should be expected since he's been working at it for 40 years or so. Now he knows I'm an artist. I sit in his art groups and draw my anthro and he praises me for it when he sees it. It's great to hear compliments on my work so much. Anyway, he's taken an interest in what I do and what a few other people around program do for art. And he knows some artists around town with their own galleries. And while he doesn't know the details yet, he might be able to get us some local exposure for our art! In what way? Well, it sounds like I might get some of my work displayed for some time in some galleries around town! And one of them might want to do a "workshop" of some kind where we mutually teach and learn some skills with art... or something like that. I don't quite remember how he put it. But either way, this could be a big opportunity for me to make a name of any size for myself in my city! I might be dreaming a little big for myself, but seriously, this has me so excited!

Something serious happened that is really weighing on me a great amount. The stress from it is causing me to have nausea and also makes me feel my body temperature is raised. This something involves my former friend and her boyfriend and a recurring fear of mine that has struck my relationship with them. And how I handled the fear has made the situation into a whole clusterfuck, for lack of a better word.

I've had a recurring, paralyzing fear since dating, even not-so-serious dating became a part of the age group I was in. This was sometime in 7th or 8th grade. My fear occurs whenever I start to befriend a girl who is in a relationship with another person. I fear that by getting any closer to the girl, I will be increasing the risk of her partner thinking I might be getting closer for the wrong reasons. I have no clue as to where this fear comes from or why it happens, since I'd not think that of anyone trying to befriend Niti. But regardless, this fear has occurred with every single taken girl I have ever befriended that I can think of. And it happened again with my friend. She is not even close to being the first girl this fear has come up with, and I highly doubt she'll be the last. I tried to tell her of my fear by suggestion of one of my friends, even though I didn't really think I should and had a bad feeling about it. My former friend seems to have taken it as me being childish and is now suspicious of my intentions. My intentions were already clear as day before from what her boyfriend told me, but now that I expressed this fear of mine it has made things sound fishy to them. I don't know what to do. I don't want to let go of either of them, but I feel like after saying this their image of me is forever tainted. It'd make things extremely uncomfortable for me to stick around. That is, IF I could stick around. They seem to have removed me from their Skype, so I don't really have a way of contacting them. I just wish that I could have said nothing and hoped nothing happened, but I fucked up big time.

All I know I'm going to do now is talk to my counselor on Tuesday about this fear of mine, because I guess it isn't as understandable as I previously thought. I always felt it was reasonable, and until today, no one said anything to the contrary. But that one person made me re-evaluate it and I can now see how it DOES sound unreasonable. But simply seeing that side of it does not make the fear go away. Which is why my counselor needs to know about this. I need help with it.

I know at least one of them watches me. I just hope (s)he reads this... and notes me or something... I know it'd be naive to want things to be forgotten, but I wish they could look past this one thing... Losing friends really kills me inside, and this is no exception.

I don't know if this is will be of any help since probably almost all of you don't know him, but one of my closest friends, on I've known since kindergarten, is in a tight spot. His computer is wrecked. It started smoking Tuesday night, and after he took a look at it. Judging from the heat sink, it doesn't look like it can be repaired. He hasn't the money to get a new computer, commissions won't be enough to get any money, and his job is not giving him enough hours to get the money. So he's very reluctantly asking for donations. BUT! BIG BUT! It isn't going to be without payback it sounds like. He's a very good writer, and he's willing to write a short story of 1,000-1,500 words for anyone who donates $10 or more. His goal is $800, and I wanted to do all that I could to try and help him hit that goal. So while I have the feeling me calling on my watchers to help someone I care very much about probably won't go very far, I wanted to give it a try. I'd feel worse if I did nothing.

I've linked his journal on DeviantArt talking about the situation down below if you have an account there. Thank you for reading my call for aid.

http://gilded-silverfox.deviantart......ASAP-518175015

As you may have seen with my "Valentine's Glaceon" picture, I tested a trick I thought up to blend my shading into my art rather than leave it unblended and having rough, pixelated edges. That was nice, but then I found that it wouldn't hug the linework. That was an issue that had to be addressed if I were to continue using this trick. I had tried bleeding a duplicate of the lineart into the shading a little bit, but I didn't think it looked so good. I brainstormed a bit with my friend  jansither on Nabyn, and she suggested that same thing. I didn't think it looked so good, but she reassured me that it looked better than I thought. So I did a little reworking of Vixen in Heels to put it to the test. I'd like it if you guys could take a look and tell me if it is any better. Judge it from both a zoomed in perspective and also a full view perspective, please.

Right here (NSFW, I'm sorry.) : http://fc03.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2.....ox-d8ibiqx.png

(Not sorry at all, by the way. :D)

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. The second one I've gone through without Niti. I'm trying to be strong, but I'm failing before the day is even here. I can't find anything to distract me from this or any of the other things going through my head that upset me. I can't rest, I can't converse without breaking down, I can't get myself to do anything I SHOULD find entertaining. I don't want to do life right now...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82IZQyXU_OM

A group of ex-Rare employees from what I consider to be the Golden Age of gaming are working to make a spiritual successor to the much-loved Banjo Kazooie series. It's called Project Ukulele. Not much is known about it, but they plan on releasing it on Steam Early Access first and then consoles later. Namely the Wii U because they have worked with Nintendo for so long. 8D I am so happy to see this news.

All of this time I've been pronouncing Niti's name wrong. It's not Nih-tee, it's Nee-tih. This makes me feel like I knew less about her than I really did. But... then again... we never discussed how to pronounce her name, and I never talked with her voice to voice. And I never looked up how to pronounce it either. I just don't know what to think about this, but it makes me feel so horrible. I just cannot believe I didn't know something so simple about her. I don't know whether to pronounce it correctly or to pronounce it incorrectly so people will still know who I'm talking about. If I change how I pronounce it, then people will ask why and then I'll feel so... embarrassed. No matter what way you slice it, it was a text-based online relationship with occasional picture swapping. This makes it very hard for me to talk about it with people because it feels like no one takes me seriously. And this will just be more fuel for the fire...


I should have looked up how to pronounce it... It's an unusual name...

EDIT: After telling my mom about Niti's name and how it is actually pronounced, she told me I should just keep calling her Nih-tee. I asked why and she gave me two reasons. One, everyone already knows her by the name Nih-tee. Two, I could have always used Nih-tee as a nickname or pet name for her had we gotten to voice conversations. So I'm going to keep calling her Nih-tee. But I still won't allow myself to forget that that is a nickname and not actually the correct pronunciation.

So I had a pretty okay day at Community Alliance yesterday. It was good until the last class when someone upset me. I was sitting in Bulletin Board Buddies making stuff to put on bulletin boards around the program area. We were going around the table and talking about what we're gonna do over the three day weekend. I said I was going to finish my current art project that has taken too long already. They asked what it was about, so I showed them my newest WIP of Vixen in Heels 2015. They complimented me on my work, and I mentioned that the character in the picture was mostly of Niti's design. I helped a little, but the bulk of it was her. There is this one guy who was sitting next to me who has shown up in a couple sessions of my grief group. I guess he still has not heard my story though, since he asked who Niti was. I explained that she was a girl I was in love with and she passed away, and that's why I'm at CA. I'm grieving and I'm there to heal. So what he said really enraged me. Instead of offering condolences or being sentimental or sympathetic or SOMETHING, he said something along the lines of "Well, there are better people out there. Maybe it's a good thing she passed on so you can meet one of those better people." I don't remember what I said in response, but I was seething with anger and just wanted to say "NO! FUCK YOU! GO TO HELL!" I didn't, but I got up and left after standing up for Niti and myself. Kim, one of the two facilitators for Bulletin Board Buddies and also my case worker went to go find me and talked to me about it and gave me a big hug. I felt a little better after that, but I still didn't go back to the Bulletin Board Buddy table.

I was at Community Alliance today, which is a place I've mentioned before. It's a place in my city where people who are mentally ill or suffer for addictions can get help and support. Well, today I was sitting in a grief group and we were all sharing how our Thanksgivings went. I shared how mine went and then the woman to my left starting telling a story about hers. The guy directly across from me got up and stormed out of the room for no apparent reason. He came back near the end of the group and started screaming various swears at me and saying he was "going to kick my fat ass." He was taken out of the room by Kim, our instructor type person and he ran outside. Sangeetha, the program supervisor and also an instructor, came in and asked if everyone was alright. We all discussed it for a minute and Sangeetha told us that she thinks he was having a paranoid schizophrenic delusion that I was talking shit to him. (Not in those exact words.) So after grief group it was lunch time. I was standing in line to get a plate and that same guy comes up to me and says he was going to kick my ass again, and started holding up the line. I tried to walk past him and he shoved me. Then he shoved me again and punched me in the jaw. At that point a few of the program leaders had restrained him and were practically dragging him out the back door. I had not even attempted to swing back at him, which was kind of a first. His punch didn't hurt for long, so he either hit "like a girl" or I can take a hit better than I remember. I'm fine now, and I'll be safe going back to CA tomorrow. He's been discharged from the program. I'll also be talking to my dad tonight about whether to file an assault charge or not and what to do in either case.

I am really upset right now. I get like this a lot lately. So many of my artist friends are finding success and are happy with it. I'm falling behind and can't succeed at what I complete, which makes me fall even further behind due to demotivation. I'm fucking sick of it. It makes me want to pull the plug on this. Pack up and leave the art world. Let what little skill I have rot for eternity.

And a little message to anyone that may be formulating a response to this journal... I DON'T WANT YOUR GODDAMN PITY! I DON'T NEED YOU TO RANT AT ME! AND I DON'T WANT ANY FUCKING ASS KISSING ABOUT MY ART!

This journal was posted on DeviantART on October 23rd. I need to do better about remembering to post them here at the same time. :I

*Due to my bipolar, I have been in a manic episode since Sunday.* Which while that can be a bad thing when it gets out of hand, right now it feels good. I haven't felt so happy and productive for a long time. In two days I knocked out the sketch, lines and colors of a new art piece. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to do more work on it lately since I've had some stuff going on. But I plan on working on it more this evening and tonight. So hopefully you'll see a new image in the coming days. I want to take my time shading this and study it quite a bit to see if my poor shading skills are due to laziness/rushing or if I just suck at it. If it's the former, I'll be able to fix it with relative ease. If it's the latter, then I'll know what to practice in my spare time.

I've decided to take up two new hobbies to fill my time so I'm not idle and sad all the time. I'm going to learn to play bass guitar, and I already have the tools necessary. I also have a DVD/book set to learn with. The other thing I'm going to be taking up is woodcarving. I have big plans for that, and I am saving up to get some nice X-Acto tools and possibly a book on techniques. If my projects get popular enough, I may publish the plans for these on FA here. Of course, they won't be in metric, so minus the Americans out there, most of you will need to do calculations if you ever plan on making one for yourself. ;D One thing I plan on doing in the far future that was suggested to me by  Mancoin is to make a 1:1 size ratio poseable model of Niti Morgan-Zorra. That would be 175cm tall, or about 5'9", not including the ears. The longer parts of the coat, such as the shoulders, collar, breasts, hips and tail will be covered in faux fur, and I'll be looking for a purple wig to use on her head so that the hair flows in the direction she's posed. Big project, will require lots of skill, time and material as well as knowledge of anatomy and ball joints. So don't expect it anytime in the foreseeable future. I am just so excited about working toward that goal of creating such a thing of beauty that I had to share it with someone. And who better than you guys? X3


Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go finish beating Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess again. I left my file unfinished and untouched since September 2012.

*I am no longer in a manic episode. That refers to Sunday, October 19th.

My parents and grandpa went to Minnesota for the week and took the dogs. They went so they can close up our cabin for the winter. I'm home alone, and I will be for a while. I'm lonely and anxious, but I'm going to work through it. I have no other choice, after all. I extend a hug to everyone who reads this, cuz I'm needing some serious interaction right now.

Nothing seems fun. Even things like art and gaming are a chore. I'm unmotivated to do what I have to, and uninterested in what I want to do. It's paralyzing. I used to wonder what it would be like to be in this kind of situation. Now I know, and it is far more bleak than I thought it would be. I just can't get myself to do anything but lay around or sit on the computer and listen to depressing music, sometimes silently weeping while doing either. One might say that I should get a hobby, but the issue is that I can't get myself to do anything, whether its important or for fun. And I've been like this for the past 10 days. The day before that day, a friend realized that Kim, Niti's sister, had lied to me about a few things. He brought it to my attention, and I confronted her. She gave me a flimsy excuse and then, I would guess, felt her lying couldn't be redeemed and decided to leave me alone. She said goodbye. My mother and another friend of mine think that because of the flimsy excuse, and also my situation with Kim at the time, that she might have used it as a method of getting away, for purposes of moving on from Niti. But she wouldn't be able to do that when she's caring for me, since I clearly am not able to move on. I don't know when I will be able to, but it won't be for a long time I'm sure.


I have lost both Niti and the person who understood my pain by far the most. What else will be taken from me?

May 29, 2014:

If I stay away too long I might lose interest in this place, and I would hate that very much. So ready or not, here I am!

For anyone who is wondering, I will have a completed image done in the next couple days. I've been making slow progress due to a bit of an art slump I'm in. But I've found some new music to play while drawing that is super motivating, surprisingly, and I've done a LOT of work since I started listening to it. I just have a few more touches to do, so stay tuned for just a little longer for more art by me! X3

I've been a complete dick the past 24-36 hours or so, and I know that isn't how I normally am. I'm going to take a break for at least a week or a week and a half from DA and FA to regather everything in my mind and focus on the therapy I'm getting. Will I still be online here? Yeah, probably. Will I interact with anyone here? No, and that includes submissions. I want to personally apologize to those who I lashed at with the last journal. But I won't be responding if you comment below (or anywhere to me, for that matter) until I feel ready to come back here 100%. So until then, I'll be seeing you...

There's one sense I am most thankful for. My sight. It's what brought me my experiences with Niti. I never heard her voice. I never felt her touch. I never smelled her smell. I never tasted her taste. I thank God for giving me this gift. Through the channel of sight I have experienced more happiness in my life than any other sense has given me.

No one would buy a commission from me. I've gotta be joking. No one knows about me. And at prices like that the people who do know about me could hire someone much more capable. Screw this idea, I'm throwing in the towel before I embarrass myself.

EDIT: I've been getting a lot of people on both DeviantART and FurAffinity disapproving of this decision of mine. For God's sake, people, searching for five minutes on either of these sites will give you at least ONE artist who is better than me and works for less money! Do you people ACTUALLY compare options, or do you just patronize whoever you like most? Why settle for a lesser-quality product when you can get it better for even cheaper somewhere else?! This is my reasoning for deciding not to do commissions, because if I want to price it so that it's worthwhile to ME, it would be priced higher than what I can do is WORTH! That's why just lowering the price is NOT an option. If you people REALLY want to get a commission done, I can point you to more than one person to ask. But I just don't feel like I'm capable enough myself to do it for a price that's worth the time it takes to draw them.

I am thinking about doing a limited run of commissions to try them out and see if they are something I may have fun doing. But I wanted to ask something of you all, my viewers. What would you be willing to pay to see me work? $5? $10? I have no idea what to price myself at, so I would like to ask those of you who actually read this journal instead of just deleting it to write in the comments what you think. Be honest, don't vote high just because you're my friend, and don't vote low because you're cheap. I'll be removing the ones that are obviously doing something like this before I make an average price range, so if you really want your vote to count, I suggest you are completely honest.

Please consider prices for both lineart commissions and full digital commissions.

Lineart Samples: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/12985644/ http://www.furaffinity.net/view/12985625/
Full Digital Samples: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/12983559/ http://www.furaffinity.net/view/12983587/