Just turned 35. Feeling kinda old, and very single.

Just had a quite and lonely weekend, feeling low and down.

If anyone wants to talk or anything, feel free to send me a note or something. I always like meeting new people.

Just turned 33. Hopefully, I can start doing more things to make me happy and help with my future.

Just turned 32 today, don't really feel any different.

I'm hoping for a more normal year this year (my life was a mess before COVID, but it would be nice if things could be kinda normal), and really hoping to find someone special soon.

As an update to my last journal, I have finally posted my first story in ages. It can be found here: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/43783538/ with artwork to go along with it here: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/43784561/

Just to let everyone know, I will be posting a new story here for like the first time in ... jeez, it's been like 8+ years ...

It will be posted in the next day or two, I'm just waiting for a piece of art for the thumbnail!

Get excited!~

So, I'm feeling really lonely, and my depression is pretty strong and I'm dealing with stress too ... If anyone wants to talk, feel free to message me. Not that I expect anyone to do so...

So, it's been a while since my last journal, just figured I should update everyone on how things are going.

I'm now thirty (and am now a wizard according to some anime ... no, I'm not going to explain that). It really doesn't feel any different, so it's not really anything special. I mean, my hair's been going grey anyway for years, so ... (though, i'd much rather grey than losing it, plus I like the look anyway)

We've settled into the new house, and it sure feels like home now. Sure, not everything is unpacked still, just little things left to do, nothing that's super important. It's definitely different, but it feels good, feels like home. New memories will be made here.

I'm still looking for Mrs. Right, or a Mommy-dom, or something. I hate being alone, but at the same time, I hate putting myself out there and getting hurt. Any single Canadian girls, preferably from Ontario, especially from the areas between the GTA and Ottawa, send me a note if you want to get to know me, I don't bite ... well, I can, sometimes, but I won't hurt anyone.

So, I know it's been, well, ages and years since I've even posted anything, and I know basically no one will read this, but I figured I just, I had to let all of this out at some point.

Last April my dad decided to divorce my mom out of nowhere after 30 years. As you can imagine, it was a huge blow to her. I still live at home, so I had to help out more and just help her period. In late June, my like 4+ year relationship ended. It was my fault, I was an idiot and did something stupid, so I don't blame her for leaving me. Plus, she was going onto and overnight shift, so I would rarely see her, so I suppose the timing wasn't all that bad. Then in September, my gramma, who is our landlord, comes and tells us that she's decided to sell the house at the end of October, since she needs the money and is thinking about going to a retirement home. Turns out my dad hadn't been paying rent to her for like the last 2 years...

We were able to get her to hold off selling the house until the spring while we looked for someplace to live. As of the end of January, I will be a homeowner before I turn 30, and my mom will be living with me. It's really, really not easy to pack up 28 years worth of stuff in a family house, and I'm a collector of Transformers action figures and LEGO, which is also pretty hard to pack up collections of that. But oh well, it will be a new start in a new home, it will just take getting used to.

As can be imagined, this is taking quite the emotional toll on me. I haven't written anything in ages, my moods swing wildly, my depression is constant, I cry pretty much once a day, I'm lonely, I feel lost and need guidance. I'm crying some just typing this out, but I know it's good to get this out some, even if it's not in depth or anything.

I am starting to look for a new girlfriend, but it's gonna be slow, and I'm really, really unsure of myself. I was a Daddy Dom in my last relationship, though I am a switch by nature. With everything I've been going through, I've been feeling more submissive and little, and I could really use someone to help take care of me, guide me and give me some structure. I thin I've kinda decided that I could use a Mommy Dom, but I don't know. I second guess all of my feelings all the time, I'm just so confused ...

Sorry for the rambling, just wanted to let my feelings out...

My best friend  nekogirl1257 has just found out that she's going to be having a girl, and needs some help getting money for baby stuff. So check out her journal http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5705907/ to check out some characters she's selling. She also does YCHs, so check those out too.

I've been meaning to make a journal about what's going on in my life for a while. Today's as good of a day as any I guess.

The Good: It's my birthday today, just turned 24. So I guess that's good. I also spent most of the Christmas break working on something which I will touch on in a bit.

The Bad: Not really trying super hard to find a job, but having no luck finding one anyway. I'd prefer to just write, but with a lack of muse and my depression, I have a lot of trouble writing. Which is too bad, I have a lot of story ideas, and am slowly working on a tabletop RPG. Also spent a bit of money on lotto tickets lately, hoping to win something for my birthday, and I won nothing. If I had the money my family had promised me for going to school, I could pay off m student loan and have a bit of a nest egg. Also single and alone, I really wish I had a special someone in my life, especially at this time of the year. I keep getting my heart broken, but I'm still trying.

The Ugly: My depression is just as bad as it has been for the last while. More blah then super down these last couple of weeks, but that can change really easily. And I do still have ... dark thoughts, though I've promised my best friends that I'd not act on them. I've also been told that if I don't find a job soon, I'll lose the net, which is the only way I can talk to my closest friends. I'm not good with stress ... it makes my mental problems worse.

The Rest: I've started therapy, which luckily my parents are paying for. So far, no change, but I'll give it a few more sessions before I decide whether to keep going. My dad is talking about trying to start some sort of business with me, which we'll have to see how it goes once winter is over. And as I mentioned earlier, I was working on something over the Christmas break. It's a mech based rp board, which can be found here: http://arkhane.yuku.com/. So far, nothing's happened, since I've only had two other people sign up, and would like at least two more before anything starts.

I think that covers everything going on in my life right now. I don't really expect anyone to comment or care too much, but I figured I should get this all out somehow.

Well, as you all know, I am a writer. Also, I've barely written lately (due to depression, stress and other RL problems). And since I'm currently looking for, and failing at finding, a job, I figured I should start up story commissions. It will help force me back into writing, and help me from being so broke. So, if you're interested, or you think others would be, please comment. As well, I have no idea what to charge (was thinking maybe only having so many slots open at a time, and maybe doing bids for it, starting at like $5 or $10), so please comment on that as well.

I think as well, I'll do trades if anyone wants that (within reason of course), and possible the occasional free story too. Of course, that all depends on whether or not this is popular enough. As well, I will be doing this both on FA and on SoFurry.

I'd be happy to hear what you all think.

Again, I've had my heart broken. I'm getting really tired of this. I should have expected it this time, she broke my heart once already, and the last time I gave a girl a second chance it turned into heartbreak as well. So I guess I was just asking for it this time.

Is it really so hard to ask to find a girl who won't break my heart? I want to give up, but I won't. My biggest dream is to be mated with two daughters. I always wanted to have that before I got as old as I have.

Oh well, at least I have a reason to be depressed for the next while, instead of my usual "just depressed" mood. And I can't write while I'm depressed, which makes me more depressed ... oh well, I have lots of video games to distract myself with for the next while. I'll just write bits and pieces when I get the ideas ... they'll probably suck, because depression ruins my flow, but whatever ...

Once again, I am single and alone, which sucks. Still depressed, still suicidal ... some of my mental problems have faded slightly, others are coming back stronger. My faith in others is a little shaken, after everything that's happened. But ... though this is still fresh, I am already moving on, looking for another loving mate. And please, for god's sake, no games ...

I'm such a mess lately ... and ... well, suicidal and whatnot. I need to find a local mate, need to strengthen myself ... hopefully gonna be moving out soon ... hope that'll make some things better ...

So, I'm really, really lonely, and really, really depressed (technically it's dysthemia, not actual depression, but that's just semantics). I'm on anti-depressants, but they're not helping right now.

Anyway ... due to my lonelyness and whatnot, I am desperately seeking a local mate. All I'm looking for is a cute furry girl, preferably at least a little nerdy, within an hour or two of the Quinte West area here in Ontario, Canada. Send me a pm if interested or you know someone who would be interested.