So, it's been a year a half since I did one of these. Almost literally even! But I rarely ever get any good quesions, so I'm gonna answer these ones I found instead, since I don't tweet or anything and have no way to get likes for it: https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C29HTrF.....Sr8H.jpg:large

But you know, feel free to ask your own questions too! Anyways, the quiz!

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1) Been in the fandom for....
Um...I say I joined the fandom proper the day I joined this site, so almost 4 years now! But I had my sona for a bit longer than that, about half a year more or so. So, a solid 4 years is a good estimate.

2) Found the Fandom how?
Hmm. Well, it was when I was on dA, and I was quite the fan of transformation stuff and also dragons, so you could see how that could lead me to finding furries. Brushed them off a solid few years before finally admitting to being a furry myself.

3) Chose your species [because]...
cheetahs were literally my favorite animal at the time.

4) Why/How did you choose your name?
Because I'm actively shit and can't think of anything better than my middle name.

5) If you had to change species what would you choose?
Oh, man. That's, like, really tough. I'd say either African Wild Dog, Caribou, Bear, Otter, Pine Marten, or Dragon.

6) What percentage of your friends are furries?
Hmm. All my online friends are. None of my irl friends are. I'd say roughly 50/50, then?

7) If you've been, favorite furry con and why?
Oh, man...been to AC and to Megaplex. But I think I have to go with Megaplex. If anything, because Florida. And because I was way too new to the fandom when I went to AC, and I'm actively certain I pissed off everyone I went with....sorry.

8) Got a fursuit? If no, why?
No, because ClockworkCreature takes forever to open...and because honestly I'd like to lose weight before committing to a suit...and I hesitate to get one because I know I'll be shit at it.

9) RP'ing is: Fun, Not my thing, A good way to blow off steam?
It's fun and a good way to blow off steam!

10) Are you open about being furry, i.e. if it comes up in conversation?
Hmm. If asked if I'm a furry, I won't deny it, but I won't just volunteer the information if it happens to be the subject being talked about.

11) Gay/straight/bi?
Okay, I've had to do a lot of soul searching for this one, and honestly, I think I finally say with certainty: yes.

12) Ever kissed another furry?
Never kissed another person. Except, like, familial kisses. But, like, kissing someone? Never done that.

13) Do you have adult art of your fursona? If yes, pose your favorite.
*points to gallery*

14) Ever hooked up with another fur? If yes, ever done it at a con?
Well, there was a something I had when I first joined the fandom. It didn't last too long though. And never met them irl either.

15) Opinions about murrsuits?
I would love to have so much money that I actually think it a good idea to risk getting bodily fluids on my fursuit. That'd be great.

16) Do you have a kink related to the fandom? If yes, post the one you're most open about.
Easy. Paws.

17) Are you in any 18+ Telegram groups? Name one.
So, I guess that means Telegram really is the de facto messaging platform for furries. Huh. Anyways, I'm in a NSFW TF chat. That's the one I'm most active in.

*dusts off journal*

Well, guess I haven't used this in a while.

Got some news that I think is worth sharing.

Bad news, I'm 24 now. Insert requisite "fuck getting older" statement. Happened earlier this month. Was shit. At least it's a year before I have to deal with it again.

Good news! I'm not dead. Last journal post back at the beginning of the year was depressing af. Not gonna address it anymore. Moving on.

Better news! Look at the journal title. K. More specifically, a single 'K'. Or, in other words, 1 K. As in, 1 Grand. As in 1 thousand. As in I have achieved 1000 watchers! Fucking somehow. Like, how? I made this account three and a half years ago, and I thought it'd be a miracle if I reached 100. I'm now a whole magnitude greater than that. So, shout out to  jgood8 for being watcher #1000. Hopefully I will continue posting art I've commissioned that y'all will enjoy. We'll see.

But, I really wanted to thank y'all. And maybe only a tiny handful of y'all will read this, but it doesn't matter. Despite all my self deprecation and in general negativity, I sincerely appreciate that y'all made the poor decision to watch me. Really does mean a lot to me.

Okay, enough with that. I wasted y'alls time enough already. So, yeah. Thanks.

Okay, before you stop reading expecting another pity party of a journal post, such as the previous...10 or so journals, please note this isn't a pity party. This is not being written in a depressed stupor. It's a rare moment of optimism fueled by a combination of Starbucks, Kahlua, and Bailey's. Also, this is going to be quite the text wall, so pleas bear with me. It's important for anyone who cares. What I am about to say will be difficult for me to say, but it must be said. The first step to healing is confession, right? Maybe that's bullshit. Whatever. Here I go. *deep breath*

---

My name is Kevin, and I am suicidal. Now, before you go raising alarms, yes Skips isn't my first name. It's still my name, but my proper first name was supposed to give this gravitas. Now, before you go raising alarms again because I just admitted to being suicidal, please note I am not in any current danger of taking my life at this moment. So, everyone calm? Good.

I may have admitted a couple people in the past about this. I may have hinted at it in previous journals. But I think this is the first time I actually call myself out on it. How serious is it? A day doesn't go by where I don't have some thought or urge to kill myself. I don't know when those thoughts started, to be honest. But I can't say I remember a time where I was free of them. Mostly, it's been quiet, passing thoughts I've passed off as mild sadness. When I took surveys at the student wellness center at my university, it would always say I was in danger of suicidal tendencies. But I didn't believe it, despite having those thoughts. But in the past year or two, those thoughts went from quite, unconscious, easily dismissed and forgotten thoughts, to me actively thinking them. Actively telling myself I should die whenever I look myself in the mirror. Actively telling myself I'm a piece of shit in the quiet moments I'm alone with my thoughts. Actively considering stopping every time I near the train tracks to throw myself into an oncoming train.

Save for one time, I've actually tried choking myself, I never acted on anything. I used to easily dismiss those thoughts as stupid. But with every passing day, it becomes more of a battle to wrestle with my own mind to bury those thoughts. I've put up a facade (that has been cracking in recent months) to hide those thoughts from others and make everyone think everything is fine. But every day, it gets more exhausting to fight those thoughts. Hence all those journals recently of me talking about how shit I am. There are good days, when I have enough distraction that I don't think those thoughts. But there are bad days, where it seems every other thought is about taking my life.

I've been concerned recently. That 2016 will be the year. Worried that the day will come that I lose that mental battle. The day I write up a note, leave it for my folks, leave it here, leave it on Skype for my friends, and before anyone convinces me otherwise I will actually kill myself. I don't want to go that far down. I know no matter what I write, I could never convince my folks that despite how awesome or loving they are that it wasn't their fault. I could never convince the friends I have that lost others to suicide that they aren't at fault to losing so many people. I know killing myself will only hurt those around me, and that's often times been the ONLY thing that's kept me from acting on those thoughts.

It's difficult saying all this. It's difficult admitting how broken I feel, despite all everyone around me has tried to make sure I'm not broken. But if I continue to ignore this, then that fateful day will come and I will be too far gone mentally to stop myself, because in that moment it will make sense for me to die. But if I admit it, if I confess it to others, maybe I can actually start fighting it. Maybe 2016 won't be the year. Maybe no year will be the year. I want that. I want to finally destroy this self loathing that's been plaguing my life for years before it destroys me.

So that's what this journal is about. Not wallowing in self pity, but actually taking control of my life for once.

---

How do I do that? By being selfish for once and focusing on myself. I reflected on the journal I wrote a couple days ago, and I've determined a hiatus is actually something I need. I need to stay away from the places that cause me to negatively compare myself from others. And I spend too much time on FA and doing stuff in the fandom that it's essentially become my life outside of work and the occasional meeting with friends in real life. By cutting out FA, I will have more time on focusing on improving my mental state.

I have a bit of a plan I came up with to tackle that: Self improvement on three fronts. I need to improve myself physically. I need to improve myself spiritually. And I need to improve myself mentally.

The Physical front is getting healthy. I weigh more now than I've ever been. My clothes have stopped fitting. It sucks. So, starting tomorrow, I will begin an exercise routine. I will begin trying to improve my diet. I don't necessarily need to start running marathons or anything, but I need to do something. Hell, I represent myself as a cheetah online, and cheetahs aren't supposed to be associated with possibly pre-diabetic obesity. So, I need to get more in shape and be healthy. This will be difficult. It will take time. It won't be done in weeks. Not even months. This will need to be a lifestyle change that I make permanent. I may succeed, or I may not and I end up walking away with my tail between my legs (heh, furry pun). But I must try. I must. Because if I don't end up killing myself actively, I will end up doing it passively through poor life choices. And that's unacceptable.

The spiritual front isn't meant to mean to find Jesus, or Allah, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster. This is a more abstract concept, and perhaps "spiritual" isn't the proper term, but I liked it in relation to "physical" and "mental". What this front means to start giving my life meaning. Start feeding my soul. Fulfilling that immaterial, indescribable need to....I don't know, it's indescribable. This means finding hobbies, checking things off my bucket list, finding new friends to expand my friend group, doing art, etc. I tried thinking of a few things. Road tripping with friends. Learning to spin poi. Taking pottery back up is a big one. If I can get back into pottery, it will do wonders for my spiritual health. I can say with full honesty that the best point in my life so far has been my senior year of high school. I had friends. I went on an amazing trip. And it was the height of my pottery career. I was actually good at it, unlike any other art form I've done. And I want to be good at it again. It will be fulfilling to have that in my life.

Thirdly, the mental front. This one will be the most difficult to directly tackle, considering my mind is actively working against me. But, there is one thing I can do. My suicidal thoughts, I believe, stem from a critically low self worth. If I am worth nothing, then what's the point of living? So, what I need to do is improve that self worth. How? I can't just tell myself that. I need to provide myself hard evidence and proof that I am not worthless. And that's the secondary goal of the Physical and Spiritual fronts. If I can get myself healthy, if I can give myself a meaningful life, then that may just be the hard evidence I need to convince my subconscious that I am not shit. And if that is not enough, I can seek help. Therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, what have you. If talking doesn't help it out, if this truly is caused from a chemical imbalance in my head, then I will bite the bullet and seek proper meds to get my brain on track. I'm hoping it won't come to that, but if it will help me fight my suicidal thoughts, then so be it. I'll do it.

Will this plan work? I have no idea. It can only work if I have the drive and determination and motivation to commit to it. Like I said, this needs to be a full lifestyle change to bring about self improvement. It will be hard. It will be difficult. But I never felt more determined to do this than I do now. Mostly because I don't want to die.

---

So back to the hiatus. What will that entail? Well, I'm not gonna drop the fandom cold turkey. I won't shut everyone out completely. What I will do is finishing posting the art I have. I don't want anything left in my queue to post. I'll probably try posting one a day starting tomorrow. Hopefully it will give me a proper wean off the fandom than stopping everything cold turkey. I will stop commissioning things for the time being. I will try to stop coming here every other minute. Perhaps once or twice a day won't be bad, but I won't be active. For people I know on Skype, Telegram, etc, I will stop initiating conversations. I will no longer actively participate in group chats. However, if you need me, I will still be able to be contacted. Just send me a message or something, and I will still get to you. This isn't me falling of the face of the earth. This is me taking the time online communication and furry fandom has taken out of my day so I can focus on my Self Improvement on Three Fronts.

What I am hoping is that by Spring or Summer to be in a better place mentally so that I can become more active again. I don't hate the fandom. I like it. Yes, I still feel like I don't belong anywhere here, but I can't deny that I still like it here. I want to come back to it. So I am making it a goal to come back.

And cons? I'm not writing them out. In fact, cons can factor in to the Spiritual Front (road trips, adventure, etc.) So, the cons I've been wanting to go to this year. FWA: would like to, but considering its timing, I will probably skip it to remain on my furry hiatus. Megaplex: I want to go to it. It is right there at my goal to be in a better mental place that I feel I can safely get back to the fandom. If I feel ready to go to Megaplex, I think it will be a good sign my plan is working. MFF: I missed last year. So many friends went. I want to go this year. Hopefully friends go again. And if I skip FWA, I should definitely be able to afford it. If it goes well, might be a perfect thing for the Spiritual Front.

---

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I feel good. I feel optimistic for once. I think I might actually have a chance to beat this mental sickness of mine. And I don't have to abandon the furry fandom forever (hopefully) to do it!

It's time for me to take control of my life once. If this goes well, 2016 may be the best year I've had in ages. So here's to new beginnings, new years, and new plans.

Take care everyone. Here's hoping I can survive 2016.

I was originally hoping this would be a different sort of journal post than what I've been posting for the past few months. I was wanting to say that I'd try to change for the better in 2016. That I'd be more positive. That I'd try to be happy. I was hoping to say things like how I'm gonna try to go to more cons this year. Connect with friends more. Et cetera.

I guess I should have known better than expect I'd do that, right? Instead the downward spiral merely continues on its course, uncaring that the Earth has completed one more traversal around the sun.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of a lot of things.

I think I'm tired of this fandom.

I always read stories around here or online of people saying how the Furry Fandom has helped them. Be it having given them a sense of community, belonging, friendship, or just having given them an outlet express themselves or engage in interests with like minded people.

It's been about 3 years I've been in this fandom. And in that time, all I've noticed was how depressed I've become. And I've realized how shitty of a person I am.

It would be a logical fallacy to say there's a causal relationship between my time in the fandom and my overall evaluation of self worth. At the same time, however, it seems as though whatever beneficial aspects there are to being in the fandom that others have experienced, they don't apply to me.

I've made friends, perhaps, in spite of that. But I can't say I feel any sort of belonging. I see community, yes, but I can't see myself as a part of it. There is an...out of place-ness that I feel. It's a feeling that is most apparent when trying to hang out with other furries, be it in cons or local meetups. I've been to two cons in the past, and despite the over all enjoyable aspect of them, there was the constant feeling of being out of place. I see others, freely engaging with everyone else. I see people build groups of friendship and camaraderie. I get invited to them on occasion, and the few times I agree, I only ever feel like an impostor.

This all became apparent recently, when I've been invited to a few furry chat rooms. It's really the first time I've tried participating in chat rooms in years. But be it a room just for cheetahs, or a room just for transformation enthusiasts, I don't belong. Hell, the cheetah room has a few snow leopards in it, and they belong there more than I do. I'm an impostor, I'm masquerading as someone who fits in. But I don't. I put up a facade of enthusiasm to hide those feelings. Sometimes I don't even bother. Instead opting for cold aloofness with a side of distrust and mild, unspoken hatred for everyone in those groups, be it online chat rooms, local groups, or con goers, or just really everyone in this fandom.

I'm tired of trying to convince myself I'm really supposed to be here. I'm tired of wasting money on art whose only purpose is pure escapism as try to pretend I'm this awesome cheetah because it's preferably to acknowledging my sad, lonely existence as some piece of shit human. I'm tired of thinking that I should even try going to more cons in the hopes I might actually fit in there for once. I'm tired of putting aside time and saving up money in hopes for a fursuit thinking I'll actually be able to embody some sort of character that isn't me, because I know for a fact all that will happen is that I won't be a character. I'll just be me in a costume that was too much money that I'll only very rarely be able to wear and when I do I won't ever be good at it.

Since I've been in this fandom, my self worth's gone to shit more than it ever did before. I've realized I'm petty, jealous, and spiteful towards so many people. My one off friends will only ever be one off friends because I could never fit in with the groups of people they'd rather be with, and those friendships will only ever last so long before they inevitably fade due to mutual hate or they just moved on to people worth giving a damn about. All these friends I have here right now? I should stop deluding myself that those are actual friendships.

It's probably best I leave this fandom. Disable this account, change the password to a random string I don't know, and log out, so I could never log back in. It's best I put this fantasy of anthropomorphic animals behind me and start focusing on trying to find happiness and belonging in the real world. It's best I cut all ties I have with people here. No one here needs me (this past year taught me that well enough), and I don't need anyone here. It's time for me to grow up and deal with being an adult in the real world. No more escapism. No more vice. No more trying to fit in where I don't belong. It's time to say goodbye to this fandom.

So will I say goodbye? I guess time will tell whether or not I have the will for it.

Happy New Years, folks. May 2016 bring us all happiness in some way or another.

I mean Christmas. Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Well, you know, it's that time of year. The one where people are supposed to get with family, get cozy, enjoy time off, etc. It's supposed to be a time of feeling good and being excited and hopeful and shit like that.

Except I can't really feel that this year for some reason. Is this what adulthood is supposed to be? Being two days away from Christmas, yet not feeling anything at all? I mean, I see the decorations around, hear the songs playing, and stuff. But in two days it could be just some random Friday, and I wouldn't feel any different than I do now.

People say "Why you such a humbug?" I'm not a humbug. All I can feel is a vague sadness with no cause. With a touch of irritability. I'd like to tell everyone I know that they can politely go fuck themselves with a cactus and just leave me alone forever. Unfortunately, I haven't found a polite way to say that yet. It's frustrating, really. But I guess wanting to tell people to fuck off at Christmas does qualify as being a humbug, so perhaps they're on to something.

I wish I had alcohol right now, to be honest. Would make this journal more interesting I think. Instead it's just another piece of depressing shit I can add to my ever growing pile.

Christmas is in two days, and all I can do is just pretend I don't actually hate everyone I talk to. It's not very Christmasy. I'd rather be joyous and happy and a genuine pleasure to be around, yet all I can do be a wannabe misanthrope. Though good news is I don't think anyone I talk to has caught on yet that I'm really just pretending to be nice. Or they have and just haven't said anything about it.

Either way, anyone reading this will know the truth, so that might be awkward. But they can go fuck themselves with a cactus for all I care. I'm tired of trying to give a shit about people.

So, Merry Christmas, everyone. Even though I probably hate you, I genuinely hope y'all have a happy holidays. I'm gonna go silently cry myself to sleep now.

I don't do memes, but I'm bored, so fuck it. Also, time to get that depressing shit off my page. Let's see how many letters I get through before this turns into another depressing shit on my page.

---

a – age: 23 (fuck, I'm old)

b – biggest fear: Living a life...without having really lived any of it.

c – current time: 9:46

d – drink you last had or are having: Ginger Ale

e – easiest person to talk to: No one. People suck. Everyone's a pain to talk to. Also, I don't want to name names, in case I leave someone out.

f – favorite song: Rude. You can't just ask someone what their favorite song is. There's, like, a million billion songs! How can anyone pick a single favorite?

g – ghosts, are they real: There's a reason Ghost Hunters exists, right?

h – heritage: Mixed

i – in love with: No one, yet

j - Jealous of: Petty things

k – killed someone?: Why would I admit that?

l – last time you cried?: Hmmm....a few weeks now?

m – middle name: Y'all already know it!

n – number of siblings: one older brother

o – one wish: To be able to accomplish my goals

p – person who you last called: My mom? Or dad? One of them.

q – question you’re always asked: How are you?

r – reason to smile: Well, you know, if there's any reason, Fall is a fantastic season.

s – song last sang: Whatever the last song was played when I was driving last time.

t – time you woke up: 7am. Ugh.

u – underwear color: Today, blue!

v – vacation destination: Hmm....Spain would probably be at the top of my list.

w – worst habit: Self destructive behaviors

x – x-rays you’ve had: My teeth get radiated on a years basis

y – your favorite food: Tabbouleh

z – zodiac sign: Libra, because you, early October.

I was gonna title this "Fuck, I'm old" but apparently some would consider 23 to be "young".

Well, fine. But all 23 is is just another tick mark on trips around the sun, this last one as uneventful as usual. Perhaps even more so. I can name one thing of note this whole year. I graduated. That's something, right? Well, that's what I'm told anyways, because I see no proof of that as of yet. Man...I'd probably be trying to get drunk right now to forget it's my birthday if I didn't have work in the morning.

Old and Young are two very subjective things. And I'm tired of people trying to tell me that there's still plenty of life left. Really? Well, sure, but what's it matter if that time isn't filled with anything? I'm 23, and the most I can say I've accomplished is get a degree and drivers license and gone on a few trips to places. Like, I haven't started a career yet. Or really even figured out what I'm gonna do with the rest of my life. I haven't even had a serious relationship. Worse, I haven't even had a "first kiss" yet. That's something that should've happened in high school. So, yes, I feel fucking old, because there's so much I should've done by now, but haven't for some fucking reason or another. Main reason being I'm a little shit, but that's a whole other journal.

Time moves on. And it all just feels wasted. This is why I hate celebrating my birthday. Because there's nothing to celebrate. If surviving another go around the sun is all that can be said about it...then it's really just another meaningless day like all the rest. I'm tired of wasting my life, but I don't even know how to begin not wasting it. I'm too scared to just go out and face the world because I've never faced it before. I live a sheltered life of little accomplishment. Barely living at all.

I'm 23. And I'm scared.

Scared that this will probably be the same thing I have to say every year until I inevitably do die.

I should probably sleep now.

To make Starbucks my second home, break out my scarf collection, and tell everyone about how much I love fall. Also, not generally a big fan of the Pumpkin Spice Latte. It's, how do you say...too mainstream.

No I jest, I just like other coffees better. And this is Florida, so scarf season probably won't be until closer to new year. But it is Fall! And it is objectively the best season of the year. Right now, it's a bit hard to enjoy. Because, it's currently downpouring outside, and as much as I love flash flood weather, I do not like it when I have work. I don't want to work today. I just want to be home. Enjoying the rain.

Which, conveniently, would have coincided with my icon I've had for the past few months. However, because it is fall, I need a fall icon. I mean, I must. I've always gotten a fall commission of some sort since I joined the fandom, and this year shall be no different! Conveniently, I already got one.

 hax had opened up for fall icons last night, and I fucking jumped on it, because fuck yeah fall Icons! Also, been wanting to commission Hax, and I figured I'd get no other opportunity. Worth it. But, as you can see if you refresh the page, no longer is the cheetah soaking in the rain (which he will be today because fuck people always getting large furniture when it rains), but he is now enjoying the fall as I can never be because the leaves don't change color here...except for the few deciduous trees that thought Florida was a good place to live.

So yeah! It's fall! Yay!

Group chats don't work. But one-on-one chats do.

Everyone is offline. Except for those that are online. But they still appear offline.

And Skype is telling me I can't connect to Skype. Yet I'm still chatting on Skype.

In other words, Skype is lying so bad right now.

Except for the group chat thing. That's still shit.

At least Hangouts doesn't seem to be having an issue.

I'm tired and bored and got work today and I'm totally not looking forward to it. So ask me anything. Maybe it'll make today interesting.

Was originally gonna try to make this a discussion post about staying in touch via the Internet, but really that was just gonna be an excuse to ask the fuck Telegram is. So, I'm just getting to the point.

What is Telegram?
How's it different from What's App?
Why is seemingly Everyone Switching to it?
Why should I switch to it?

But really, this does merit a bit of discussion, in my option. Because it goes back to what I was originally wanting to say about staying in touch. because there's a lot of ways to do that. Facebook v. Twitter. Skype v. Hangouts. Telegram v. What's App. And of course the classic standbys of correspondence via email and such. It gets complicated trying to stay in touch with friends sometimes, when depending on the friend there is the preferred medium of communication. It gets annoying sometimes when there's constant need to make a new account with some service just to talk to a handful of friends (but that's just me acting like a grumpy old man stuck in his ways or me just being a fucking hipster about it).

For me personally, I like using Facebook to stay in touch with people I know in real life (and the occasional Internet friend). It's for real life updates and happenings and stuff. Skype is how I just chat with with friends, real life or Internet. Would love to fucking use Hangouts, but I only know, like, two friends who use it, and it makes me sad because Hangouts is great (in my opinion). And that's it. I don't tweet, what's app, or send telegrams. Yet I know that having a twitter would totally help with actually staying in touch with a good number of folk maybe, and I'm actually missing out by not having one, and I probably should get one. But fuck Twitter, though, for no specific or valid reason. And I want to say the same about Telegram, except I actually don't know anything about it and in the past few weeks suddenly at least three of my friends seem to be jumping ship from Skype to Telegram (but why not Hangouts, though?). So in an effort to not actively be losing friends, I should probably adapt to the times and tweet or telegram or what have you.

Which just brings up back to the original question posed: What the fuck is Telegram anyways?

But I've been rambling for too long now, and I've probably annoyed most people reading this, and so I'm just gonna stop now on the off chance you, the reader, are still reading up to this point. Take care, and please provide your thoughts on the subject, if you wish.

The Furry Fandom is a fandom. And a fandom is people sharing mutual, excited interest in something. So, naturally, I would think, people use a fandom as a place to find friends. Or, at least, friends happen sometimes.

In my case, nearly all my Internet Friends, or those who I know only from online as text on a screen, are from the fandom. But it is also the case that nearly all my Furry Friends are pretty much only Internet Friends. All my real life friends (Those I've known primarily from interacting with them in person) really couldn't care less about the fandom, but thankfully it isn't a source of ostracization since my real life friends are pretty chill.

But still, it creates this huge disconnect between friend groups. Granted, there are exceptions, such as the few furry friends I've met in real life and such. However, I act like two different people. I'm one person when with my real life friends, and a different person when interacting with my Internet friends. It makes me wonder, which group of people am I the most myself with? And is that group an objectively superior friend group because of it? Or a group of friends that is more, for lack of a better term, real?

It's hard to compare the two friend groups, honestly, because it's like apples and oranges. I value real life friends for the physical interactions, the ability to hang out and go on adventures, and things like that. But I never really talk about myself outside of what is public knowledge. And deep, philosophical conversations happen, so long as it doesn't involve talking about myself.

Internet friends don't have that physicality, that tangible realness as real life friends have. But I'm an introvert, and sometimes I would just rather interact with someone via text chats in quiet alone time. And for some odd reason, the friends I've only known through words on a screen, I'm able to talk to so much more about my inner thoughts, personal troubles or desires. The person I present myself as to my Internet friends seems, more often than not, my real self.

Are my real life friends any less "real" for the facade I constantly put up when around them? Or are the Internet friends any less "real" due to the lack of any meaningful physical interactions?

Or am I just overthinking this all? I value having friends within the fandom and I value having friends outside of it as well. I value ability to hang out with some friends and I value being able to be more myself with others. But there are times I wish I could be more open with my real life friends, or times when I wish I could just hang out with an Internet friend like I do a real life friend.

What are y'alls thoughts on real life vs internet friends? Are they separate friend groups, or do the two groups have a lot of overlap? Am I just wasting your time with discussion posts, or is starting a discussion actually something worth doing? I dunno! But I thought it would be a fun thing to post.

Well, it's Tuesday. That means ask whatever the fuck you want about me. But I'll start off by providing info about me with this meme that I've been seeing everywhere. I'm not one to jump on meme bandwagons, but it fit in with TMI Tuesday, so I thought why the hell not. Still though, I welcome your questions. They're fun to answer.

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Basics

Name: Skips. Well, that's just a nickname really. Also my middle name. So yeah, it is my name!

Nickname: Well, I mean, I just said.

Location: West Florida. Nice little quiet corner of Florida, in my opinion.

Age: 22

Height: 5' 11"? 6'? Something around that.

Zodiac sign: Libra

Pets: Three cats! Two of them are maine coons. The third is a cat my brother rescued down in Gainsville.

Favorite thing about yourself: What if I don't like myself?

Worst habit: Procrastinator. Lazy. Noncommittal. Is that last one a habit? Also eating too much.

Fun fact: If I were to grow a beard, it'd actually be a different color than the rest of my hair. More ginger than brown. I know it's not all that uncommon. But what's interesting is that down the middle of my beard there is actually a stripe of dark hair. I think that's a fun fact.


Identity, Sexuality, & Personality

Gender identity: Sexy (I wish). But actually just a male.

Sexual preference: Well, I can't say I know my preferences yet, to be honest. I think I'm pretty open minded. I would say I can find both men and women sexy, so I'll just go with bisexual for now.

Romantic preference: Hmm. I would say the same as above. But I feel like I would tend to be more intimate or emotionally connected with women than men.

"Kinsey Scale" score: I don't know a kinsey, or what her scale means. So, I would say I score awesome.

Relationship status: Forever alone....

Myers/Briggs type: INFP. I believe that's Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving. I totally forget what that means. But it seemed to fit me.

Hogwarts house: I'd probably be Ravenclaw, if I were being honest. And I'd probably be jealous of Hufflepuff, because I feel like that's where the artsy folk are, but I'm just here in Ravenclaw because I'm good at studies and shit and people say I'm smart and fuck those guys BECAUSE STANDARDIZED TESTS ARE SHIT AT DETERMINING INTELLIGENCE AND GETTING GOOD GRADES IN SCHOOL AND COLLEGE MEAN NOTHING IN THE REAL WORLD!!!! Ugh.


Routine

"Early Bird" or "Night Owl": Hmm. Both, kinda. Used to be more of an early bird. But I'm totes a night owl. But I can get up early if I need to. I just need naps later on.

First thought in the morning: I don't want to leave my bed....

Last thought before falling asleep at night: Bed! I missed you! So much!


School/Work

Do you work or are you a student: Working part time as of now until I can get a job with the BS degree I got in software engineering. So far, no luck.

What do you do well: Sleep. Eat. Breathe. Program shit, I guess. Math and physics too, I like to think. Also pottery. I was fucking good at it. I miss it so much.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years: Not dead, hopefully. Happy, I hope. I doubt it, though. Um....probably no longer here in my quiet little corner of Florida. I'll probably miss it. I don't know where I'll end up, though. Probably still alone.

Habits (Do you…?)

Drink: Let me tell you about beer....

Smoke: Uh, no, actually. I believe inhaling smoke into one's lungs isn't a very healthy thing.

Do Drugs: I haven't. Though, I would be willing to try something in a safe, controlled environment.

Exercise: I really, really, really need to....

Have a go-to comfort food: Pretty much anything my mom makes. Also pizza. Mexican food. Italian. Pretty much anything made from starch.

Have a nervous habit: Not really. I don't think.

What is your favorite…?

Physical quality (in yourself): My lack of medical problems! No, seriously, not having allergies is great. So is not being constantly sick. It...actually makes me ashamed I don't take care of my body more considering there are people who do have tons of allergies and / or get constantly sick.

In Others: Um....I don't know. Never thought of it.

Mental/emotional quality (in yourself): My favorite mental or emotional quality of myself? Hmm. Probably my ability to be objective, or call myself out on my own bullshit sometimes. Probably would have killed myself long ago if I didn't keep telling myself that was literally stupid. So I'd say it's my favorite because I'm not dead right now.

Food: See the comfort food list above.

Drink: Water is great! Have you tried it? Also I like coke. I like a nice sweet carbonated sods every now and then (read: always). Also beer and cider. Recently found a love for ginger ale too.

Animal: Okay, I'm biased. I fucking love cats. The cheetah being my favorite animal. Go figure. Haven't had very good encounters with dogs. In theory, they're great. Though, I tend to like wolves, foxes, AWDs more than just typical dogs. But still, cats.

Colors: Red is my favorite color. Followed closely by lavender.

Artist/Band/Group: Oh, man, so much music. I can't begin to name. Um. Radical face is the one that comes to mind. I don't think there's a song of theirs I don't like.

Author/Poet: Again, same. I have no idea. Too many books.

Actor/Actress: Hmm. Meryl Streep. JK simmons. Other people as well.

Blogger: I don't blog.

So, today I woke up, and I found this interesting news article someone shared on Facebook. (Here it is: http://www.cbc.ca/news/technology/a.....ered-1.3174118 ) And so what do I learn? Apparently, scientists determine there's a new species of canid, bringing the previous number canine species from 35 up to 36.

Okay, "new" isn't a very good term. More like "Realized that this one population of a species actually isn't the species we thought it was and is actually something different". You see, to sum it up, people thought the Golden Jackal, ranging from Africa through Eurasia, was just one species. But study of the African variety made scients realize that actually none of the ones in Africa are the same species. Actually, they're closer to wolves than jackals. So, they've been reclassifies as the African Golden Wolf, and the Golden Jackal is just in Eurasia now.

Mildly interesting stuff, right?

Though what I wonder...how many furries had the Golden Jackal as their fursona and are now in a species identification crisis because not sure if they're a wolf or a jackal now? Inquiring minds want to know.

Today I learned I shouldn't consume alcohol and post things to Internet lest I end up actually opening up to people. Can't have that happen. That's just depressing. So here's a journal to replace the last one. Hope y'all are having a good day.

I recently learned of this word from the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows. Here's the entry (Found here http://www.dictionaryofobscuresorro.....uertraurigkeit ):

Mauerbauertraurigkeit
n. the inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends who you really like—as if all your social tastebuds suddenly went numb, leaving you unable to distinguish cheap politeness from the taste of genuine affection, unable to recognize its rich and ambiguous flavors, its long and delicate maturation, or the simple fact that each tasting is double-blind.

It is perhaps not the most 100% accurate description of how I feel often, but it's pretty damn close. And the alcohol currently in my system has me in the urge to vent. And I have a confession that for some reason I only feel comfortable saying here, to a bunch of strangers, most of whom couldn't care less, and in a journal late at night which I'm pretty damn sure will go more or less unread. That's probably a good thing.

So my confession? There are very very few people, if any, I hate more...than myself.

My brother asked me today what about myself did I love, and there was nothing I could say without feeling like I was actually lying. I mean, I love my family. I love my friends. I hate me. I hate me so much. I hate everything about me. And I can't even explain why. I insult myself in the mirror, in my own thoughts, listen to music that makes me feel alone, sabotage anything good happening to me, and convince myself I'm not worth anything at all. I have day dreams where I toss myself off buildings, throw myself into trains, down myself in water, die quietly in a hole, or run away to place I've never been leaving no trail so no one can find me and killing myself in anonymity.

But it's not like I will ever act upon those fantasies. Hopefully. I've never harmed myself physically. But I've done things that can best be described as mental or psychological self harm. The constant insults I throw at myself. I've convinced myself that I am shit. But it doesn't stop there. Some twisted part of me feels a need, or for lack of a better term, feels pleasure out of convincing others I'm shit as well. And that's where Mauerbauertraurigkeit comes into play.

There've been friends I've made, good friends, where for some reason or another, I feel the need to push them away completely. To act so shittly that they wouldn't want to be my friends anymore. To literally ruin my friendships just to have the satisfaction or the affirmation that I am indeed a worthless, friendless little shit. Now, this has mostly been towards the online friends I make. But even if it's just online friends, the moment I push someone far enough, it hurts the more rational side of me. I feel horrible, and that twisted part of my mind feels so satisfied with itself that I've pushed someone else away.

It's agonizing, to tell the truth. And I don't even know why I'm writing this journal anymore. I don't need y'alls sympathy. I don't need y'all saying I'm doing this just to get attention, just like my folks say. But they don't know what it's like knowing for a fact that I am not shit and being completely unable to believe it. The cognitive dissonance is almost literally painful. Maybe this is to get attention. Maybe this is a cry for help, and the alcohol sedated my self-hating mind so much I'm actually allowing myself to scream out.

I should go to bed now. I'm just about ready to pass out. I've done all the venting I can for one night.

Today is gonna be one hell of a day at work. I can tell. I really don't want to go. Unfortunately, I can't not go. But I can post up a journal asking people to ask me any and all questions they want to ask to help make today more interesting. So, yeah, ask away! Please.

So, it's probably been one of the most American weekends I had in a while. I mean, it was 4th of July weekend after all. And while normally that on its own is reason enough to yell "FREEDOM" and "MURICA" in the most stereotypical of fashions, there was something else that happened that made it all the more better.

THE US WOMEN'S NATIONAL SOCCER TEAM WINS THE FIFA WOMEN'S WORLD CUP!!!!

Oh, my God, did anyone else see that game? It was fucking amazing. Like, honestly, it beats out the US v Canada game from the 2012 Olympic Semifinals, in my opinion. Lloyd gets a hat trick in the first 16 minutes of play, including that beautiful shot from the center line all the way into Japan's goal. That was absolutely beautiful. So great. So...America.

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Also, I got a new icon. Yay. As you can tell, the cheetah paws are gone (for now), and once again the glorious visage of my cheetah will represent me all through this site. Plus, it's a gif with rain and lightnight effects, and that's fucking awesome. I love thunderstorms. Icon was made by oCe, and so thank them for the awesome.

Yeah, so I know so Tusday it pretty much over for most of the world, but I still have an hour left before it's Wednesday! So why not do a TMI, right?

I'm in the middle of doing various updates to my profile page, because it's been needing it for a while. So, I thought while I do that, might as well answer any question any watchers may have.

Also, in terms of general updates, I have Graduated! Like, almost 2 months ago. Yay. Unfortunately, I still don't have a job related to my area of interest. Which is kinda depressing, because I don't really like my current job. But who knows! That may change soon enough! I hope so, anyways. As you can tell, my Clockwork Creature fund needs to be restarted. Why? I pretty much used all that money to make it through this past semester. And my current job just isn't really cutting it. So a new job will be great for making up that money again! Plus, I don't have money for cons....which is sad. Because how would I be able to meet any of you lovely people unless I go to the cons y'all keep talking about?

Also, finally uploading commissions again! I'm gonna try to be more regular with it, because I've got quite the backlog. Hopefully will upload a couple tonight or maybe tomorrow. Whatever feels right.

Anyways, yeah, those are the updates. Ask your questions away!

Yeah, that's right. It's finials week! It's the finals week if my finial semester! I'm graduating Saturday! And no, I'm not ready. But hey, why not why not get in the mood of test taking by getting people to ask me questions so I can answer more questions! So ask away!

Well, I promised y'all I'd have an actual journal up soon (or eventually). Well, here it is, for all those interested in reading my random mix of musings. So what's the theme of this journal? Wait, did I ever give journals themes? Well, they tended to have a main point or something. But, really, there just lacks a main point.

The main reason I haven't been writing journals is just, if not due to lack of time because of all the school work I got, is probably due to lack of interest. Or perhaps dedication. I'm not quite sure what the correct word is. I'm at this point in my life where changes are going to be happening everywhere. Graduation is officially a month away, and I'm no closer to figuring out what I'm doing post graduation now than I was earlier this year or last year or when I began college. But no matter how much I wish for it to slow down, one can't alter the flow of time, and so the real world fast approaches with the speed of an oncoming car, and I'm merely the fly that's inevitable gonna collide with the glass wall of the windshield.

And so, this feeling of anxiety has washed over me. I'm not ready for the real world. I don't feel ready. This piece of fancy paper I will get in a month's time that is a bachelor's degree doesn't mean I'm ready. Hell, it doesn't even mean I'm guaranteed a job. I sent an email out the other day to a research institute I'm really hoping to be able to work for after I graduate. If that pans out, it could open so many opportunities. But I find it difficult to be optimistic, as I'm pretty much putting all my eggs in one basket. If it doesn't pan out, I'm screwed, so I should probably be working on my backup plans.

Meanwhile, I'm finding harder and harder to care about school. As much as I'm scared for what lies after, I just want to get it over with. The stress of this semester has, at times, been near unbearable. And as a result, I had to drop a course to survive. And that course was, unfortunately, my drawing course. Dropping that course has been the biggest blow to my confidence / self-esteem in, I don't know how long. I've had hopes I could be an artist by hobby, but dropping that course has basically crushed that. I feel like a quitter, and a no talent, no skill, shit artist. And in turn, that made it hard to think I'd do well in my career path as well. Which in turn, just makes me feel depressed. Or perhaps ennui is a better term. I find it hard to get excited about anything nowadays. Things feel rather pointless. A friend of mine insists I try a new hobby, and no matter how much I want to, I inevitably convince myself that pursing such a path will not only bring disappointment, but all sorts of misery as well. I've stopped living life. I just float by. Going a day at a time, trying to do well enough to get a piece of paper that says I'm good at something no matter how much I believe otherwise. And the irony is people who hire want people who are confidant. It's this self fulfilling prophesy of shit, because I can't muster the confidence to say I'm good at something, so therefore I won't get any job I want. In fact the only I've been able to convince myself I'm worthy of doing is my minimum wage job.

I need to stop this. It's depressing just reading, yet that's how I feel. This odd mix of anxiety and ennui. I don't live life because I'm too afraid. I'm afraid of not living life. And so, let's bring things back to here, and why I don't write journals or post pictures. One of the casualties from my depressive spiral has been my interest in the fandom. I don't mean it to say I'm quitting the fandom. Just wondering why I try to participate so much if really I do nothing at all? I can't draw anything worth anything. I don't have the money to go out to cons or get more commissions. Why buy a fursuit? Not enough opportunities to suit to justify it. And it would be forever before I get one I want, anyways. Might as well use that money for more important things, like whatever may happen post-graduating. I'm starting feel like I don't fit in here. I mean, I have plenty of friends here, but with the wider fandom, I don't feel like I fit in. The local furries, for the most part, I don't fit in with at all. I don't know how to describe it. So why try to invest time and money and effort into a fandom where, at the end of the day, I'm just a loner?

I don't know. Shit's been tough lately, and it's got me questioning everything I do. Perhaps in month's time, when I have this whole college thing behind me, things will be looking better. Or perhaps not. Perhaps I should trust my friend who says I'll be able to get a good paying job with the degree I get. That might be true. But will it be a satisfying job? I'm tried of floating through life. I want to start living it. But I need to learn to stop being afraid of trying to live it, first.

Anyways, that whole thing came out a hell of a lot more depressing than I intended. Perhaps that's for the better. I needed to vent. Sorry to all those reading this. I hope y'all have a good day. Or at least one better than mine.

So, when was the last time I posted a journal? Like, when I got 500 watchers. I've been lazy posting stuff. I need to post some of my commissions...but been too lazy with that as well. Short little update here. School is more or less going well. Just recently got off Spring Break. Meaning it's officially now the home stretch, the 11th hour, the metaphor meaning pretty much no time lest. That's right, I'm graduating in approximately a month and a half. I'm both excited and hella nervous. Just not sure if I'm ready for the real world (of if I'm even employable). Still, I have some vague sense of a plan, which is a lot more than I had a few months ago. Anyways, I swear, I'll give a more proper journal update later.

For now, it's Tuesday! So obviously it's a chance for anyone and everyone to ask me any question they wish and I will answer it. However, I found this one questionnaire that is sure to provide more information than any of my past TMIs before. But feel free to ask more questions! I don't mind at all.

By the way, these questions were shamelessly stolen from  decibel.

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1:Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
I keep them closed. Why would I want to stare at the mess that's inside them? Plus, I don't want my cats messing with my stuff.

2:Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
Shamelessly. Everytime. They're gonna replace used ones anyways. Plus, now I have some bottles that fit TSA requirements.

3:Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
Hmm. Well, when I make my bed, I'm sure all the sheets are tucked in at the foot of the bed, but's more or less loose along the side. But inevitably, the sheets just get untucked entirely.

4:Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
I wish.

5:Do you like to use post-it notes?
Sticky notes are hella useful. And they're never where I can find them when I need them.

6:Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
Naw. Too lazy to pretend to be thrifty. Too lazy to actually be thrifty as well. So no coupon cutting at all.

7:Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?
No. I wouldn't.

8:Do you have freckles?
You mean like  littlefreckles? I say I have quite a bit of art from her. She's good at the whole art thing.

9:Do you always smile for pictures?
Usually not. I avoid pictures because I end looking stupid in them. Pretty much why my facebook profile only gets a profile picture update like once a year.

10:What is your biggest pet peeve?
Oh, my. So many. I don't know.

11:Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
Sometimes. It's weird. I don't know why.

12:Have you ever peed in the woods?
To be honest, I don't remember if I ever actually have. Like, I know I've been out camping before, but I don't remember if I used the woods to pee.

13:What about pooped in the woods?
Hmm. Now this, I distinctly remember not shitting in the woods.

14:Do you ever dance even if theres no music playing?
Shamelessly when no one is looking.

15:Do you chew your pens and pencils?
That's disgusting. No.

16:How many people have you slept with this week?
Oh, you know, approximately...more or less....none.

17:What size is your bed?
Well, it's a one person bed. However it's called.

18:What is your Song of the week?
Nothing in particular this week.

19:Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
Hella. Pink can be a great color if used right.

20:Do you still watch cartoons?
Oh my God! Did you watch Steven Universe last week? Like, in terms of hype, it's officially passed Adventure Time in my book. Like of my God. I love Adventure Time as well. Those two are awesome shows. I highly recommend them. Oh! And the miniseries Over the Garden Wall that came out last November. Everyone should watch that. But I also occassionally watch Regular Show. Recently been on a Star Wars kick. Seen all the first season of Star Wars Rebels and now watching The Clone Wars on Netflix. So yes, I still watch cartoons. But it's funny, because for the longest time, like, between 2004 and 2011, I stopped watching cartoons entirely because I'm "Too Old" for them. But then after I graduated high school, they became a guilty pleasure, and with recent cartoons actually being rather good, I'm glad I started watching again.

21:Whats your least favorite movie?
Man, The Last Airbending is the biggest steaming pile of shit I've ever seen. I couldn't even like it ironically, like the movies on MST3K. It was just bad.

22:Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
If I told you, it wouldn't be a secret, now would it?

23:If you're a girl, bra size? If you're a guy, pants size?
I wear, like, a 34 or 36 around the waist. I know, I'm fat. Shut up.

24:What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
Well, you see, that depends. The only chicken nuggets I dip are the ones from Wendy's and that's because they have frosties. A spicy chicken nugget dipped in a frosty is hella awesome, trust me.

25:What is your favorite food?
Now, I will admit, I'm very much a carnivore. However, the award for my all time favorite food / dish goes to a salad. It's a middle eastern dish called Tabouleh, if you've heard of it. It's this parsley salad with tomatoes and green onion and mint and burghul and lemon juice and olive oil and salt. It's this deliciously refreshing and tangy salad that I absolutely love. I would go vegan if I could have it every day. But it's a bitch to make, and it'll be nothing like how my mom or gandma make it.

26:What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
How to Train Your Dragon, Fifth Element, Guardians of the Galaxy, just to name a few.

27:Last person you kissed/kissed you?
Like, do you mean like a familial and or greeting sort of casual kiss? Or do you mean romantically? Because the answer varies depending on what you mean.

28:Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
In a past life.

29:Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
I don't think they'd want me to...

30:When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
Wow. A letter on paper. That's been....literal years. A decade at least. I don't remember.

31:Can you change the oil on a car?
I'm shit with cars, so I don't know how.

32:Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
Nope. Been times where I'm sure I was close, but the cops never tried to stop me.

33:Ever ran out of gas?
Haha! Nope!

34:Favorite kind of sandwich?
Does Shawarma count as a sandwich? If not, say a steak and cheese sandwich.

35:Best thing to eat for breakfast?
Hard to beat a chocolate chip waffle, hashbrowns, and pie at Waffle House.

36:What is your usual bedtime?
Over time it's shifted later and later. But usually, it's between midnight and 2.

37:Are you lazy?
I admit it. I am. And a procrastinator. And perfectionist.

38:When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?
Halloween has never been a big thing for me. Never been good at making costumes, personally. And store bought ones are stupid.

39:What is your Chinese astrological sign?
Monkey, I do believe.

40:Are you horny?
Naw. Cheetahs don't have horns.

41:Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
Used to subscribe to PSM. Then that kinda died. And had Game Developer Magazine for a while. But really, the only subscription I keep up with now is National Geographic.

42:Which are better legos or lincoln logs?
Dude. Legos were my life! But Lincoln Logs get an honorable mention. One Christmas, we had train tracks laid out most elaborately around the tree, the lincoln longs were made into the best Train Station we ever had. The train could go through it and every thing.

43:Are you stubborn?
I can be.

44:Who is better...Leno or Letterman?
Neither is Craig Ferguson. But if I had to pick between the two, Leno. Letterman is just constantly annoying from what I've seen.

45:Ever watch soap operas?
Okay. Okay. I admit. There was one summer where I had nothing to do. I was a kid and bored and there's nothing to watch midday that's cool. Yet, somehow, I just got sucked into watching One Life To Live. I mean, I was watching with my grandma, and soon enough, I somehow got invested in the story. It was absolutely stupid. But I spent the whole summer watching. Don't watch Soaps, guys, it takes weeks for anything to happen. And they come on everyday.

46:Are you afraid of heights?
Oddly enough, I found out rock climbing. Bad time to find out.

47:Do you sing in the car?
Oh my God, I love it. There are songs I just rock out to! And it's usually hipster bullshit stuff.

48:Do you sing in the shower?
I once knew all the lyrics to American Pie. And I would sing that to know if I was taking too long in the shower. But I still kinda sing. Quietly.

49:Do you dance in the car?
I mean...kinda? Hard to dance when you're all buckled up and stuff. And headbanging just gives me a headache.

50:Ever used a gun?
I wish. I have a love for things that go boom, and or involve fire.

51:Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
My cousin's wedding last summer

52:Do you think musicals are cheesy?
Don't be hating on the Sound of Music. Those hills are fucking alive...WITH THE SOUND OF MUSIC!!!

53:Is Christmas stressful?
Naw, man. I love it. Hella chill and fun and the break in the Florida head is much appreciated.

54:Ever eat a pirogi?
Never met him, and I'm pretty sure I didn't eat him either.

55:Favorite type of fruit pie?
Apple. I mean, apple. Not even Pumpkin wins, if that counts as a fruit pie.

56:Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
Astronomer. That like occupied my childhood. Would watch science channel all the time, learning about space and shit like that. But in high school, I realized I'd rather make things, so I abandoned that ambition in favor of something more creative. But still, space will forever hold a special spot in my heart.

57:Do you believe in ghosts?
I mean....haven't personally experienced seeing a ghost...but I do believe that it is an official requirement that all lighthouses must be haunted. I mean, have you ever heard of an un-haunted lighthouse? I think not.

58:Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
Dude, like, all the fucking time. And I never quite know where I remember it from.

59:Take a vitamin daily?
Not really.

60:Wear slippers?
I got some nice moccasins for when my feet are cold and socks don't just cut it. Or when I want to walk outside and I'm too lazy for shoes and fuck walking on rocks with bare feet.

61:Wear a bath robe?
Oh my God, they're the best. I've got two. One I wear after I shower. It dries me off, keeps me warm, and there's no fear of it falling off accidentally. And there's another one I just wear around the house on top of my other clothes. It's big and loose, so it's comfortable, and it's great at keeping me warm. And the extra pockets are hella useful. And if need be, it works as a blanket too! Robes are the shit!

62:What do you wear to bed?
I got a few pairs of pajamas. Honestly, I'm more comfotable having a layer of clothes between me and the bedsheets. Plus, in winter, I get cold easily. Even have an extra comforter and a couple more blankets just to keep wram.

63:First concert?
Roger Waters the Wall Live. Went out to Houston with a friend of mine to watch it. It was easily one of the best experiences of my life. And concert was great too.

64:Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?
Wal-Mart, but only because it's closer. The closest target is half an hour to forty minutes away.

65:Nike or Adidas?
My shoes say New Balance.

66:Cheetos Or Fritos?
Depends. On their own, cheetos all the way. I recommend chopsticks so you get all that orange shit on your hands. But, fritos have their uses. Like, put fritos in a bowl, pour some chili on top, and you've got something hella tasty.

67:Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
Dry roasted peanuts, specifically. None of that boiled shit.

68:Ever hear of the group Tres Bien?
No, but it sounds French. So I might like it. But I might not.

69:Ever take dance lessons?
Was in Swing Club back in my freshman year of high school. Forgot most of it, unfortunately.

70:Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?
Hmm. To be honest, I find artists attractive. But I doubt I could ever get an artist to fall for me. But if there's chemistry, why should the profession matter?

71:Can you curl your tongue?
I can do a it in a shape of a "U", but that's it. My brother though, he can like tri fold his tongue and make a weird "W" shape.

72:Ever won a spelling bee?
I'm shit at spelling.

73:Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
Maybe? I don't think so, though.

74:Own any record albums?
Well, I have three records I personally own. Two used Beatles albums I got on the Houston trip I mentioned earlier. And last Christmas, I got an album by Rodrigo y Gabriela. Awesome music, I think.

75:Own a record player?
Personally, no. I just use my dad's. It's hella awesome. Got a tray that comes out so you can put your record in it. It auto finds the start of record. And it has the ability to skip a song. Plus, the audio quality is great. And i'm pretty sure it's older than me. Looks like 80s or 70s tech.

76:Regularly burn incense?
Naw. Sometimes scented candles.

77:Ever been in love?
A few times where I thought I was, but wasn't. Legit love, I don't think I have. And I don't know if I ever will. Kinda depressing.

78:Who would you like to see in concert?
Mumford and Sons. Radical Face. The Beatles. Pink Floyd.

79:What was the last concert you saw?
The Smart Brothers! They were in town last October. so I had to go watch.

80:Hot tea or cold tea?
When I liked tea, it was hot.

81:Tea or coffee?
To be honest, I'm not a fan of tea. Never really got into it. I tried getting into it, and I started liking it. But there was this one time, I got a serious stomach virus that really started taking effect after I had a poor cup of oolong tea and orange. I know it wasn't the tea's fault, but I had never been more sick in my life. Unfortunately, ever since, the taste of tea has made me feel queasy from memory, and so now I don't drink it all. Coffee, however, I fucking love coffee.

82:Sugar or snickerdoodles?
The only way to get more apples or oranges is to ask "apples or oranges". I'd say sugar, because I can cook with sugar. I think snickerdoodle is a cookie? Maybe?

83:Can you swim well?
Eh. I've lived in Florida for half my life. I know how to swim. But swimming isn't my thing. It's a self conscious thing, and I think myself too fat. So i never bothering getting good at swimming or going to the beach or anything like that.

84:Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?
Yeah. But only for a number of seconds. Not even a minute.

85:Are you patient?
I like to think I am. But it depends on what I'm waiting on.

86:DJ or band, at a wedding?
Hmm. I've been to two weddings. Both had DJs. But I feel like if I got married, it'd be a small affair. Might just get a small band. Or maybe I'll have a friend make a playlist. I don't know.

87:Ever won a contest?
I don't think so.

88:Ever have plastic surgery?
Never had surgery. Unless wisdom teeth removal counts. Either way, it's not plastic surgery.

89:Which are better black or green olives?
Not an olive fan. But I think fresh olives are probably better, and I think green olives are fresh?

90:Can you knit or crochet?
Knitting would be hella awesome. I could make my own scarves!

91:Best room for a fireplace?
Where all the people gather to be together and stuff!

92:Do you want to get married?
One day perhaps, if I find the right person.

93:If married, how long have you been married?
Well, never ben married.

94:Who was your HS crush?
Well, there was this girl. And she was awesome. Somehow, in my little town, there was this girl who had lived in Russia, Switzerland, and France, and knew all those languages. She was beautiful too. And smart. The biggest overachiever I ever knew. Shame really, because she stressed herself out a lot. She could have used some moments to relax. But I certainly crushed on her. And somehow, she we started going out. Unfortunately, in the end, my laid back personality didn't mesh well with her constant over achieving personality. We made better friends than we did a couple.

95:Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?
Like, two decades ago I did.

96:Do you have kids?
Naw.

97:Do you want kids?
Not really. At this point anyways. I feel like I would in the future, though.

98:Whats your favorite color?
Red and Lavender are my two favorite.

99:Do you miss anyone right now?
Hmm. Not particularly. Perhaps some friends and family that liver forever away.

Not that I'm saying it's my 500th TMI. God, that would be a lot. No, it's just that I've reached 500 watchers! No seriously, 500 watchers! I remember when I first joined this site a year and a half ago, and I never would have expected to reach 100, let alone 5 times that. So, I just want to say thanks to all of y'all who decided to watch me. Even those who don't really say anything or favorite anything, but hey, you made the number go up, so thanks! And to those who do say words or favorite things, super awesome thanks! It's always nice knowing someone else besides me likes the art I get. Now, if only I can motivate myself to make my own art to post here. But oh well. Now, on with TMI! You know the rules: ask anything, and I will answer. So have fun with it.

Because, that's what I was gonna call it, but then I realized that that's what I called it at the end of the Spring Semester. I'm so fucking creative, apparently. Either that, or it's 1 in the morning, and I'm tired. It's odd. I am tired, but at the same time I'm not. I blame the two grande sized cups of iced coffee I had a few hours ago.

I digress, however. Like the title implies, the semester is over. That means I only have one more to go before I graduate. Which means I only have one more to go before I'm out of time on deciding what to do after graduation. I'm scared. No, really. I've always had an idea of what to do in the near future. When I was in grade school, it was go to school. Then it was go to college. Then it was keep going to college. But now I have no plan. It's the vague idea of "get a job". Well, that can be anything. It could be my minimum wage job I currently have working as a cashier. Which would mean the past three and a half years were pointless, because that's not what getting a degree was for. Why is trying to figure out what to do with my life so hard? I mean, I know what I want to do...I just have no idea how to actually go and do that.

Okay, random rant is over. More positive things now. The semester was great. It was so chill compared to the hell I endured during the spring. I improved my drawing skills! No, really, I did. I took a drawing class. I feel like I got better. And I'm taking another one in the spring. Who knows, maybe I might start making some furry art after that. It'd give me something to post here instead of just commissions I get.

Christmas is coming up! That's always fun. I'm feeling more festive than I have for the past couple years. Not sure why. Maybe it's because I actually have ideas for gifts to get people. And maybe because I have some money to spend on it now that I'm not so worries about saving as much as I can to put away into a fursuit fund. I also want to make things. Like...salted chocolate covered graham cracker squares or jaffa cakes. Mmm. Jaffa cakes. I'll research that. Might be good for parties.

Anything else to talk about? No idea. I'm tired. Just wanted to make a post giving an update about things. I think I accomplished that. Yay.

Anyways, take care y'all.