LOOK I DUN A THING CUM SEE WOT I DUN:

http://www.everydayfiction.com/conf.....-by-joel-hunt/

Hello probably no one who's reading this.

That's not an accusation or blame or anything.

I wouldn't be reading this either if I were you.

I've not been active on FA in... erm... 10 months, when I posted a journal joking about not being active in a long enough time for me to joke about that.

I don't actually miss FA at all.

But I miss quite a few of the people on here.

So hello you people.

I've nuked literally everything so I have a blank slate instead of 37000+ submissions and 12000+ journals.

Also 5 watches.

What the hell are you guys watching? My gallery is both inactive and downright terrible!

But, erm. Thanks.

Anyway I'm back for some social stuff and probably nothing else.

Hello.

*Dusts off this account*

Ahem. Hello.

...

So I'm totally not here just to publicise something I am, as of recently, going to be in.
(But also I totally am)

Anyways, I'm going to be voicing a character (hopefully characters plural) in the upcoming post-apoc anthro indie game Buck: http://www.buck-game.com/

I'm currently being eyed up as a surfer dog NPC who helps run one of the towns, although may also be appearing as an enemy or two.

More info as the project progresses. But for now, check out the game, and if anyone else would like to lend a voice or some other assistance, drop the makers a message. They're big on quality control, but as long as your mic or whatever other equipment is acceptable, they're willing to accept as much help as they can get to make as good a game as they can.

Also... I guess I'll try to be more active here. And junk.

KTHNXBAI

It's in cap locks, so it must be important.

http://www.thepetitionsite.com/921/.....ions-on-care2/

Seriously though, just a little petition to get a bleeding-heart liberal website I frequent to hold itself to its own standards. Would appreciate any signatures. I believe you can even withhold your name if you'd prefer.

Yo! Just advertising some free writing slots that a friend is offering -

2 poetry slots, 2 descriptive slots and one more short story slots.

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5835032/

Take him up on the offer! It's free, for 0 moneys which costs nothing! PAY NEVER!

Nope.

Nope, nope, nope.

Done with Housepets.

Nope.

http://www.housepetscomic.com/2014/.....hat-one-scene/

Nope.

"Hey Fox, look. It's that human dognapper who kidnapped you hiding in the room of your dog best friend while your dog cousin is missing."

"Oh, so my dog friend was a human turned into a dog, k, I guess I'm mad but also not"

"Wait... what?"

I have nothing to do with this game, but it looks pretty good and time is running out for them to meet their Kickstarter goal:

https://www.kickstarter.com/project.....out-a-real-dog

Just thought I'd do my bit and share it here. Seems like it could be a pretty decent game.

Yo.

I've... been a bit busy. But someone sent me a note today and I'm sort of prompted to explain that I am still alive.

I haven't been doing much (at least, not much that would interest the fine denizens of the internet) but at the moment my Youtube channel is perhaps the slightest bit more active than my FA profile. And by slightest... I mean... I posted a video there a while ago.

And I might post another one this week.

...

https://www.youtube.com/user/SliceOfDog

...

Oh, also I guess it's my birthday today.

Yeah. That is all.

Hope everyone else is still alive too.

Thank you for actually accepting Docx files.

...

Normally this kind of journal would be sarcastic, but seriously, thank you for accepting fucking Docx files.

But... erm... could you just tell Weasyl how to do it? Because at this point that's kind of the one reason you're better than them...

KTHNXBAI

Edit: Yeah, I was totally right (almost, with a few minor exceptions). Read on and observe my brilliance.

Spoilers spoilers spoilers spandex doilies toilets spoilers.

Just a little journal about the newest Family Guy episode. So spoilers and all that.

I actually stopped watching Family Guy quite some time ago. I was a fan back when it was good (seasons 1 - 3, or 1 - 7 if we're being generous). Hell, fan is understating it, really. Ask me any question about the first three seasons (that could be answered by watching the shows alone, no background research as to who wrote what episode or all that bollocks) and I'll probably still be able to answer it after 5 years of not watching them.

So when I heard that they were killing off Brian, my favourite character from the show, I thought it was only right that I gave it a look-see.

The episode itself was shit. Obviously. It's new Family Guy.

But I have a theory on the topic of Brian's death that I wanted to float out here just so that I can say "Told you so" should it prove correct.

Pretty sure Brian runs himself over in his own car through some time-travel shenanigans, and that he'll be back in... maybe 2 episodes.

Why do I think this?

1) The episode floats the idea of time-travel around near the start. Much as the show isn't really funny any more, they still know how the artistic structure of a good programme goes, and they've set up a Chekhov's gun that hasn't been fired yet. Think about it: the whole incident of the Native American time-travel had nothing to do with Brian getting hit by the car. It could have been an episode in itself (Hell, they started as if it was mid-episode), and modern FG loves killing time with overly long cut-away gags (Conway Twitty anyone?), so they wouldn't chuck that into the Life of Brian episode unless it had some greater relevance.

2) The aspect of "who ran over Brian" isn't questioned at all, which seems like a massive oversight. If it didn't matter who ran him over, it could easily have been made to be someone like Peter (accidentally) for added pathos, or Quagmire for dark humour (since Quagmire hates Brian because sure why not whatever I stopped watching the show before that was established). And if it was some random non-character doing it, there would have been plenty of justification for Stewie to hunt them down and kill them in classic Stewie fashion.

3) The car looks like Brian's car, which is a silver/grey Prius. You also can't see inside the car, which seems odd since, if it were any human character, a silhouette would have been enough and wouldn't have given away who it was.

4) The car was swerving and driving oddly. This, too, is a Chekhov's gun that never goes off. There has to be a reason for it, because otherwise why would the animation team put effort into it?

5) Finally, no one kills off a major character HALF WAY through a fucking episode. If Brian was gone forever, he'd have had the full episode, his death would have been at the end, and Vinnie (or whatever his replacement's name is) would have been the next episode.
Oh, and speaking of Vinnie, he's actually a fairly good character. But that's a dead give-away for Family Guy. No character is that nice, unless they're hiding something (Think last replacement. Wasn't he just called New Brian or something?) or temporary. The end of the episode seems to imply Vinnie is actually genuine, so he's not going to be decent enough cannon-fodder, is he?

Right. Anyway. This is way longer than I'd intended. I just wanted to explain why everyone who is feeling sad that they've killed him off is being short-sighted or doesn't know enough about Family Guy.

...

I'll be surprised if anyone reads this whole thing.

If you do, post "Shoop-da-woop sugardaddy!".

Just a test.

Thanks.

... sugardaddy.

Why You Should Start a Blog: A Guide for Pseudo-Intellectual Bleeding Heart Left-Wingers

Hello. I’m Joel, I’m 21 years old, and I’m a procrastinator.

I am, if I do say so myself, rather good at it. In fact, I procrastinated for two weeks instead of writing this article, after promising a friend that I would write something (in exchange for him writing something, which he promptly did)

But there are some things you just can’t procrastinate from, such as waiting for the train, and so, alas, I must finally be productive for 5 minutes of my life.

I’ve been toying with the idea of starting a blog for a long time, but for some reason beyond my comprehension, blog fairies didn’t visit me during the night and helpfully pen multiple witty, insightful, slightly political posts for me to upload. Which is a shame, because I have a lot of ideas to share and a lot of funny cat videos to the distracted by, and I was really counting on those fairies (even after their pitiful failure to write my dissertation for me).

But I know what you’re thinking: “Shut up, Joel, and get to the point about bleeding heart lefties”.

First of all, it’s rude to interrupt. And I’m typing, not talking, so I can’t “shut up”. Now who’s the fool, eh?*
Secondly, good point, Angry Fictional Blog Reader. Allow me to do just that.

I began by admitting that I procrastinate often, and as a pseudo-intellectual bleeding heart left-winger, a lot of the procrastination takes the form of reading political news, social research, feminist/LGBT/animal rights/environmentalist blogs, etc. I like to tell myself that none of this is really procrastination, and that I’m (ready to cringe?) “expanding my mind”. That somehow I’m actively performing a social good. That the world is just a little better off now that I’ve read about sexism in the WWE.

That’s right, world. You’re welcome.

Of course, this is nothing more than the ultimate leftie fantasy; we can solve all of the world’s problems without exerting ourselves at all. We simply have to close our eyes and promise very hard that we will feel bad whenever we see war orphans on the news.

And I’m sure we both realise that this just isn’t the case.

But fear not! Our time what we spend doing all this here learnin’ can actually be of some benefit!

You see, a lot of problems in the world boil down to simple ignorance – if everyone knew that some of the language they used was offensive to people they didn’t mean to offend, they’d probably alter that language. If everyone knew that ‘harsher’ prisons tend to have a higher reoffending rate than prisons based on the softy-reform approach, they’re probably have a long hard think about how we should treat society’s criminals. And if everyone knew that homosexuality isn’t a choice, we’d have gay marriage coming out of the wazoo**.

So I am issuing a rallying cry to all my fellow pseudo-intellectual bleeding heart left-wingers! Let’s stop expanding our own minds, and start sharing the information we’re currently just storing in our own heads, of no benefit to anyone except ourselves. Write some articles! Cancel your subscription to the Daily Mail. And for the love of Jove and all that is secular, start a damn blog!***

Taking my own advice for once, I am going to start writing some blog-style-type-things in which I attempt to spread some of the wonderful knowledge that I have come across over the years. I don’t claim to be an expert, and I don’t claim that I’ll always be right, but mainly I just want to get people thinking and discussing these issues.

To start you off, here are some gems of wisdom that don’t need a full article. You can have them for free. You’re welcome:

1) When you’re handling raw onions, breathe through your mouth, not your nose. That way, your eyes won’t water.
2) Most fruit juices have a similar sugar content to cola, but the sugars in fruit juices tend to be naturally occurring, while sugar in cola is added.
3) The fictional word Ghoti can be pronounced as “fish” using regular English phonemes. (Such as: gh from enough, o from women, ti from nation.)

That about covers it for now. See you all again whenever the hell I decide to make another one of these.
So shall we say 2027?

---

*It’s you.
** “Wazoo”, unlike most British words, is not slang for “penis”.
*** Alright. So I admit I’m a bit late to this party. Most of you probably already have blogs by this point. But at least consider using them to discuss politics and social issues every once in a while, instead of a ‘review’ of the new Superman film where you just link to Rotten Tomatoes.

Just uploaded a second dub reel to Youtube, and thought that you'd all just positively die if you weren't immediately linked to it.

Then I thought how monumentally crushed you would all be if you couldn't also watch the first dub reel I did.

So here is both of them:

#1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBczT348o6g

#2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pazWeChusAo

You can thank me later.

I have a major excuse for a lot of my procrastination. Whenever I'm reading news articles or blogs or anything of the sort about race and gender politics, animal rights, freedom of speech/expression or anything similar, I tend to try and convince myself that I am "expanding my mind", and that there is something intrinsically valuable about improving your understanding of the world.

Which is all well and good, except for one problem: If you don't do anything with this understanding, it's pretty much wasted. I sit down every now and again and just try to solve problems in my head, and put together convincing arguments against various ills of the world. And then when I've got one, I go watch Adventure Time for a while and then spend 3 hours writing an email about a job.

So! My question is this: If I somehow managed to channel my energy into writing blogs that were social and political and all that jazz, would anyone actually be interested?

And please don't assume this is some kind of whiney cry for attention or approval. If you wouldn't be interested, say so. I can take it. I don't regularly follow any blogs myself, so I completely understand. I'd just like to know if there's any point in me starting one.

Basically, I've been told that I'm good at explaining certain concepts and ideas. Does that sound about right, or would I just be cutting into my Adventure Time... time.

So, I have a website now. E gads!

He is so swish. He is so professional. He is...
SliceOfDog!

... Erm, yeah. Anyway, here it is: http://joelhunt.net/

I'm offering voice acting, photo editing, writing and proof reading commissions, with samples provided on the site. I'll also give discounts to anyone who orders one after reading this journal, so just use the phrase "Slice's Prices" when you contact me and I'll knock off about 20%.

Because I love you all.

Alternatively, of course, just comment directly here or send me a private message.

Also, if anyone is interested in getting a website, I can very highly recommend the friend who put this together for me. As you can tell, he did an excellent job here, and this was actually a relatively simple job compared to some others he's done. You can find a link to him at the bottom of every page on the site. He also gives great advice about where to host, buy domains from, etc.

Anyway, thanks for reading, and let me know what you think! (Even if you don't want a commission, feedback on the site would be most appreciated)

My only birthday wish this year is for world peace.

...

HAH! Just kidding.

It's that you'll all go and Watch my friend  Dregan who has returned to FA after 4 years. Also, tell him I say he's a prick.

Do both of those things, and my birthday will be complete.

If you don't, my birthday will never finish, and I will end up being 20 years and 365 days old forever. A FATE WORSE THAN...

Erm...

Actually, I guess the eternal youth deal might be pretty sweet.
...
Yeah, let's go with that, actually.

Not done one of these in a long time, but thought I'd share because I think this one is actually rather funny. It was done for a forum I've recently joined, and is exclusively PG, but otherwise translates absolutely fine. It's long, but hopefully people might enjoy it. So:

This is one of those memes where you number 10 characters, then answer a variety of situations involving those numbers. How wacky and zany and all that. To be more interesting, every one of the following characters is from a completely different universe of mine.

1) Kidel
2) Kevin
3) Goldview
4) Liz
5) Matt
6) Happy Jack
7) Max
8) Barn Burner
9) Gabe
10) Mr Hartwood

Hopefully the fact that not a single one of these has even met the other will increase the fun

1) 1 and 3 are sitting at a table for tea, what's their initial reactions?

Kidel would sit impassively, trying to stare Goldview down, and any conversation would be steered directly to the point of their meeting (and there WOULD be a point of their meeting. Because Kidel is there). Goldview would be trying his hardest to make as much money out of the situation as he could, but for once in his life may be finding it difficult. Kidel is probably not interested in what Goldview is selling, no matter how many cities it could destroy.

2) 6 moves in on 1. What's 1's reaction?

Hah! One of them would end up dead. Probably Kidel, the first time he demands Happy Jack sleep on the floor.

3) 8, 2 and 9 are in a mall with no money and they're surrounded by people.

Kevin is used to that. He used to be homeless. So... if he was desperate he might get out his guitar and start busking. Then the rest would depend on Barn Burner's mood. If he was feeling particularly down, he might just wait it out, but if he was in the mood for it, he'd probably go rob a bank. He'd tie up the security guards (at which point Kevin would get out of there. He'd probably call the police, but he has his priorities straight). Barn Burner would then get ready to set the guards on fire, and Gabe, in one of his only genuine moments of selfless bravery ever, would march up to Barn Burner and punch him in the stomach. Either Barn Burner would go down, or he'd be upset that a child just punched him and he'd give up and write in his diary about how terrible the day has been.

4) 9 and 10 are buying flowers for the same person. What's their initial reaction?

Mr Hartwood realises that some scruffy child is trying to buy flowers. So he decides to buy them. All of them. He buys all of the flowers, and Gabe glares at him. While Hartwood is off somewhere being smug, Gabe breaks in and steals a handful of the flowers anyway. Then he steals Hartwood's wallet, and spits on the seat of his car. Then he goes home and brags about it for 3 years.

5) 5 and 7 are taking a shower, what's happening?

... together? Max probably doesn't think anything of it, he's always naked except for his collar anyway (dogs are like that). Matt is admittedly also an animal, being a weasel, but he's more anthro and as such usually wears clothes. He's probably embarrassed at first, but then... erm... well I want to keep this PG so I'll just say Max only comes up to Matt's waist. So Matt has nothing to be shy about.

6) Quick! 8 has walked in on 5 and 7 in the shower!

Barn Burner does a double take, because it's not every day you see an anthropomorphic dog and weasel in the shower together. Then he torches the place. Which is hard with all that running water, but he manages it anyway.
Max's security guards tackle Barn Burner on the way out, and Matt sues him. Because he's a lawyer.

7) While 8, 5 and 7 are busy, let's see what 1 and 4 doing in the hot tub.

Liz lies back in her bikini casually twirling her hair, discussing the bar she owns and how she'd love to see Kidel in there at some point, asking him if he'd seen the game last night, and talking about that time she stopped a murderer using nothing but a ticket book and the help of a 6ft mutated rat.
Throughout this, Kidel frowns impassively past her, arms folded, hoping his armour doesn't rust in the water.

8) 10, 9 and 2 crashed 1 and 4's party in the hot tub.

Kevin and Gabe immediately get into a fight over who gets to sit next to Liz. Kevin shouts "You're just a kid, you wouldn't even know what to do with her!", to which Gabe replies "Yeah, whatever, she's not going to go with a kangaroo, is she? Besides, I've had loads of women, I have".
Meanwhile, Mr Hartwood averts his eyes (how improper it would be to stare at an Irish woman in that way, he thinks to himself) and Kidel stomps off to check on his horse.

9) 1 is kissed by 6, what's 1's reaction and how does 6 take it?

Oh... oh dear... I mean oh really dear...
This is the kind of thing horror films are made of...
Happy Jack has a gas mask permanently fixed to his face to a) help him breathe and b) cover his horrific scars from a lifetime of working with chemicals, and probably also a few wounds from gang wars and assassination attempts.
So for Happy Jack to kiss Kidel, he needs to take off his gas mask. He immediately starts to die, but for whatever reason decides to smooch Kidel with his dying breath. Kidel presumes this evil creature to be a zombie, and smites him. With a sword. Through the chest.

10) A jealous 5 saw 6 kiss 1.

That... actually makes sense. Matt sits watching a disfigured old dying man lurch towards a fully armoured knight who growls and waves a sword, plunging it through the old man's chest, blood spurting everywhere.
Matt sighs.
"I wish my life was that romantic"

11) 10 just grabbed your (the author's) hand to tango, rose in mouth.

Hahahahahahaha! Awesome! I would nervously remind him that I am male, and go on to suggest how pretty Maggy has been looking recently.

12) 3 just got home from a long day at work and heads to bed only to find you (the author) in it.

Goldview hides his surprise with a warming smile, subtly pressing the "Security" button on his wrist computer and making a mental note to fire every single one of his guards. He then proceeds to persuade me that I definitely need that very expensive "being born for a second time" insurance, which I pay for just in time to be thrown out of the 50th story window.

13) 8 is having a sleep over. Who's invited?

Anyone flammable.

14) An uninvited guest has arrived to crash 8's sleepover.

Before or after he burns all his other guests? If it's before then they're more than welcome, they can settle down between that living scarecrow and the can of gasoline with a face drawn on. If it's after... they're probably police.

15) An event like no other takes place and 1 and 2 get into a battle to the death. Who wins?

Kidel is a trained knight. Kevin is a lazy alcoholic kangaroo.
So... I'm going to call a draw?

16) 3 throws a slumber party but only invites one person. Which character did they invite?

Goldview only invites Hartwood. Because Hartwood is rich. When Hartwood leaves, he is either a) Goldview's new business partner or b) no longer rich.

17) 1 wakes up in the bed with a random character of your choice!

Kidel wakes up in bed with Liz. He glares at her, then asks her firmly to leave. After watching her do so, he dresses back in full armour before climbing back under the sheets and holding his sword. You can't be too careful about these things...

18) 3 gets into an accident. What were they riding? How did it happen?

Oh blimey. A helicopter probably, and it was no doubt shot down by one of Goldview's many, many, many, many, many, many, many enemies. Let's say the Technocrats? He sold them some rather overpriced vehicles recently, and then sold their mainframe security codes to a gang of anarchists because he didn't like their attitude. So he's probably dead now.

19) 5 and 4 are locked in a closet together. What would 10's reaction be when he/she found them?

"I say, Truman."
"Yes master?"
"Look in the closet, do you see this awful servant girl and this weasel?"
"Yes master"
"Be a good lad and kill them for me, would you? And set the damn table properly, that knife is clearly skewed to the left."

20) For whatever reason, 7 decides to kiss 2. Their reaction?

Kevin pushes Max away and spits, rubbing his mouth.
"Look, if you're that way then fine, but I get enough of that from my own mate, alright, I don't need you trying as well"

21) 5 has a drink in a bar and discovers 10 is a strip dancer.

Oh gods. Brain bleach. Matt would probably feel very awkward about the fact that he'd wandered in to an elderly men's gay bar, but he'd be worried that if he got up and left now everyone would think he was homophobic. So he'd probably stay there for the whole show, gripping his seat and praying that he wasn't focussed on. And obviously throughout the show Hartwood (who is a strip dancer for whatever reason, sure) would mistake Matt's discomfort for... something else. So he's go up and give Matt a personal dance. And someone would take a photo. And it would go online and get viral, and Matt would never live it down. The end.

22) So 5 was completely drunk and wakes up in a bed next to... 9 and 1!

Matt is immediately arrested for soliciting Gabe, who is clearly underage. This leaves Gabe and Kidel in bed together. Kidel glares at Gabe, then asks him firmly to leave. After watching him do so, Kidel dresses back in full armour before climbing back under the sheets and holding his sword. You can't be too careful about these things...

23) Something exploded and now 2, 6, and 8 are genderbended! How do they react?

Huh... Kevin would hide away somewhere, and... keeping things PG, he'd hum and twiddle his fingers until things got better. (But not really. Just take a wild guess what he'd actually do)
Barn Burner would immediately assume it was the work of a new superhero and go around trying to capture existing superheroes and threaten to kill them unless they gave him information (not even with fire. He'd be THAT angry)
Happy Jack would act as if it was his plan all along, and that he'd always been a woman. If any of his high ranking generals so much as questioned it, or even stared in the wrong way, they would be slowly dipped in acid. In public, of course.

24) 1 suddenly feels an urge to chase after unicorns. What does 3 do to help him/her?

Another rather fitting one. Kidel probably needs a live unicorn for some magic being performed by that character who's name I forget but who lives in the woods (the unicorn wouldn't be harmed, don't panic). Goldview would probably provide him with a silent, wood-capable, camouflaged mech with net-shooting capabilities, as well as a team of wild animal capturing mercenaries. When they caught the unicorn, they would kill Kidel, capture as many more unicorns as possible, then return to base, start a breeding program, and sell the rest (but not until they'd killed one for meat, at insanely high prices, of course)

25) 8 is being chased by evil toys in a locked toy factory with a pen as his/her only weapon. Does he/she survive the night?

He probably could, if he'd had enough warning about it, or had some reason to mentally prepare for living evil toys. However, if he was caught by surprise he'd probably collapse into a ball and cry pretty quickly.

26) 5, 7, & 10 are having a picnic. Suddenly a giant pink donut falls from the sky. Which one of them is likely to get hurt by it?

Matt. I'll save you the trouble and assure you that any question including the number 5 and any variant on the phrase "who is likely to be the worst off because of this event?" will result in the answer of Matt, purely because Matt.

27) 10 found a Death Note! Who dies?

Any servant on a bad day, any worker who doesn't do their job properly or who dares to ask for a break or pay or for (hah) rights. Mrs Hartwood, if she doesn't watch her tone, Maggy, if she keeps putting on weight, that awful Mrs Dillingham if she ever dares to stop his nepenthine supply again, Mrs Dillingham's terrible older daughter, and Mrs Dillingham's awful younger daughter, but only if the younger daughter ever refuses to go out with Jonathan, Mr Hartwood's son, ever again.
That's about it.
Oh, anyone else who's "just terrible", or who ALSO runs an armaments factory. Which reminds me, any of those bloody pacifists. And those nutters in the government who are trying to end that war with India. And don't get him started on the yanks...

28) 1, 2, and 4 are staying in 9's house while the house is surrounded by zombies! Wait, what do you mean 1 was bitten by a zombie?

Oh... how boring... Kidel prays for a cure, and if he receives no response, he does the honourable thing and kills himself. Then Kevin and Liz both get eaten, because Gabe is a child and doesn't own a house.

29) 7 found a time machine! What does he/she do?

Oh, what doesn't he do? Well, stop Hitler or do anything else that may benefit mankind. Not out of spite, it just wouldn't occur to him to do so (Simon, his best friend who is also a fox, may mention it at some point). So... he'd probably "go back to the invention of the squeaky toy!"

30) 3, 4, and 5 decided to rob a bank. How does it go?

If Goldview has access to his vast wealth, it goes perfectly, since he buys them a team of insanely skilled mercenaries. But let's say he doesn't, because that's more interesting.
So... Goldview goes in first, and charms the security guards into leaving their posts by ensnaring them with the best damned bullet-proof vest pitch they've ever heard. Liz would then enter in her police uniform, and take up position. Finally, Matt would charge in with a machine gun and a balaclava, start to scream "EVERYBODY, HANDS IN THE -" and trip over an old lady. He'd apologise profusely, then accidentally fire into the air, apologising to everyone again. By this point Liz would be feeling very sorry for him, and go over to calmly explain how to rob a bank properly. Goldview, sensing the missed opportunity, would already be in a meeting with the bank manager selling them a new security system including tactical nukes and an orbital space cannon.

What do you call a horse stuck between two pieces of bread?
A Tecso's beef burger.

Have you heard about the new Tesco's beef burgers?
They give you the trots.

What's the best type of bun for a Tesco's beef burger?
Thoroughbred.

I just asked a Tesco's employee to read me the ingredients of their beef burgers.
They went off in a hoof.

I ate the burgers afterwards, but they made my throat horse.

Have you heard what Tesco Ascot in their burgers?

Have you heard about the new children's show that Tesco are producing?
My Little Pastry.

So the racehorse Frankel has retired unbeaten. Some people are asking what he'll be doing now, but I hear he's got a nice job at Tesco's.

---

Ahem. So yes. Apparently several of our major supermarkets have been found to include horse meat in their beef burgers, with Tesco having a mouth watering 29% horse in some of theirs. As a vegetarian, I found this hilarious in the extreme, and will continue to make every pun I can think of until...

Well, until I run out, I guess.

And at the rate I'm going, that'll be faster than Seabuscuit.

I may regret this tomorrow, but as some of you already know (I'm looking at you, Oliver) I'm fascinated by the human psyche, especially in relation to social situations. So it would be hypocritical of me not to analyse myself once in a while.

Well, I do that all the time, of course. But I mean publicly.

So; I've had quite a bit to drink, but not so much that I can't type properly and also find my own thought processes curious. What I was thinking was roughly along the lines of the following:

People on my Uni course sometimes remark "I love drunk Joel". This is mostly because I don't go out very often, and I made a promise to myself a year ago (almost to the night, in fact) that I would never go out drinking if I didn't feel like it. Therefore, I don't go out drinking every night, every week or every month. I don't have scheduled drinking days, and I don't go to clubs very often. This means that when I DO, I usually drink a fair amount, and I'm usually noticed by friends on my course simple due to the rarity of me being out drinking. So in the run-up to parties that I've said I'll go to, people sometimes get rather exited about seeing me get drunk.

Before I go on to why this is interesting (and not random blabber) I should explain what I generally do when drunk; get very appreciative of people, complement people a lot, hug people and apologise excessively. I suppose you might call me a 'friendly drunk' (though from the analytical point of view, I don't buy into classifications of people's "type of drunk". I feel it's very dependent on your mood before and while drinking, and thanks to my promise mentioned above, I only drink when I am happy doing so. Therefore I might suggest I'm predisposed to being friendly as I am in that state pre-drinking. But I digress...)

What I find interesting about this is... I'm not a different person when drunk. I am just Joel. People apply the term 'drunk' to distinguish my actions after drinking to my actions when not, but 'drunk Joel' doesn't exist, at least not as a separate entity which he is normally referred to as being. In fact, I act that way, without being fully aware of it (except in instances where I scrutinise myself such as this one) because I seek the approval of my peers. Not attention. Not adoration. But approval.

When not drinking, I am very socially awkward. I often struggle to show much emotion, and I am what most would consider 'straight laced'. However, inside, I utterly desire people to like me. I don't need to be their favourite person in the world. I would also like to think that I don't just want to be the centre of attention (though perhaps I am kidding myself), but I want to crush that constant irrational fear that wells inside me before, during and after any sober social encounter; the fear that secretly, no one likes me. Oh, they tolerate me. They pretend to like me. But once I'm gone they say "God, Joel is so annoying. I just wish he'd stop talking to us".

The funny thing is, I talk to a lot of people who think the same way, and I always explain to them how irrational and self-destructive they're being. And I'm not blowing hot air. I genuinely believe they're self-inflicting needless suffering onto themselves, and it inhibits their ability to build strong relationships with others. So... why don't I take my own advice? Am I really so special a case? Am I unique? Different from all the rest?

Of course not. But for whatever reason, the fear remains. So 'drunk me' taps people on the shoulder, compliments them and hugs them, seeking the constant reassurance that they will hug back and actually stick around for half a minute afterwards talking, and will do so with a smile on their face. And when I say "I'm off now, see you later", they will seem disappointed and will make a fuss. Not because I need a fuss. But because I need reassurance. Reassurance that I'm not annoying everyone in my social circle. Reassurance that they do actually like me being around.

Well... this was a long one. Thank you for getting this far, if you did. I would apologise for any spelling mistakes or anything that resulted from my drinking, but I'm not fooling anyone. No amount of alcohol can rid me of my desire for correct language use and grammar. They're there, next to he and I, whether the weather is good or not.

See? Beautiful stuff.

(Dictated but not read)

So yeah, I'm back now, have regular access to Sir Worldwide Webster Internettingsworth, and all is well with the world.

Except I'm ill. Eh, couldn't have it all, could I?

At least not before my world domination plans get sorted.

Oh, also,  cosmik purchased a copy of the anthology that I am in, Objection to Perfection. Therefore, he wins the contest.

What's that? Yes, of course it was a contest.
Did I not tell you that part?
Oh. Oh dear. Well then, I'm very sorry that you all lost.

I was sitting here trying to think of an interesting and not stuck-up kind of title for this journal, but then thought, screw it. I'll just say what it is.

So... yeah! One of my stories has been published in an anthology. A proper one! Paper and everything!

Here it is on Amazon; http://www.amazon.co.uk/Objection-P.....580&sr=1-1

And here it can be bought from the publisher; http://gentlemenpress.com/shop/

If anyone is actually wanting to buy it, which would be very, very awesome and give you Slice lovings, you can get 20% off from the publisher's shop for... ah... the next two days <_< >_>
Use the code Gent145.

Otherwise, the story is The Statue. It's available here, but is edited in the anthology with an alternate ending among other small changes.

Aaaand... don't know what else to say particularly... some of the other stories are very good. I won't lie, they're not all amazing, but for the price that the anthology is being sold at, and considering all the contributors are under 21, I think it's a pretty good compilation.

In other news, I may be unavailable for upwards of a week. What a bitch, eh? Back soon as I can be!

Slice lovings to you all (if you buy the book).

Hello Furaffinity. I still do things.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBczT348o6g

See?

This is a compilation of dub projects that I've been involved with over the last year, with a few that I've finished recording for but still need editing done. Hope people enjoy.

Although if you don't, keep it to yourself. No one likes you. Go away.

LOVE YOU ALL!

Come on Joel. You draw the head AFTER you've sketched the proportions of the body. That way your torso doesn't end up going through the floor. You know this. Get it together.

...Oh, yeah, guess I'm drawing again. But not much. Because I struggle to do absolutely anything, it seems.

...And yes, I'll finish that commission eventually. You know who you are.

And so do I. But not because I'm stalking you.

...

I may be stalking you.

I've finished Uni until September, which means I have plenty of spare time on my hands, so... I've decided to officially open commissions! Whoo! Yay! *Throws confetti*

I'm happy to take on two kinds of commissions, voice acting and writing (or a combination of both, if desired).

I'll cut right to the chase, and if you're still interested after seeing the prices, proper details are below.

---

Voice Acting

I mainly specialise in comedy and cartoon voices, but am willing to take on most kinds of spoken-word audio projects, except explicitly adult ones. Basic rates as follows:

Working from script
Basic voice-over/narration (Per minute*) - $2
Short sketch with 1 - 2 characters - $2 - 4
Short sketch with 3+ characters - $3 - 5
Advanced voice-over/character work (expressing different emotions/levels of projection etc) (Per minute) - $4

Other
Writing and performing a short sketch - $5 - 10
Impressions - $5 (if I can't do it after accepting it you get my attempts for free)
Editing** (Per minute) - $1

Writing

I mainly specialise in sci-fi or fantasy works, or writing sketch comedy. However, I am willing to try any genre.

Short sketch - $3 - 6
Short-story prose - $2 per 300 words.
Adult prose (Not open at this time, but if demand is high then it will become available) - $4 per 300 words.

On special request
While they are not typically open, please contact me if you are interested in poetry or longer prose (8,000 words +)

*Per minute refers to the length of finished audio file, not time spent working on it.
**Commissions under 2 minutes will be edited for free. Longer commissions will charge this rate from minute 3 onwards.

---

Since I'm new to this, prices are subject to change, but if anyone takes a commission and then prices are changed, they will be charged the lower price, whether it was lower when they ordered it or when they receive it. So please don't let that put you off. I'm also willing to negotiate prices.

Audio commissions will be charged for once the commission has been decided on and accepted, but written ones are a little different: I sometimes lose steam while writing and have to put a project aside for a while. I am aware that this isn't fair for a project I'm charging for, so if I accept a written commission, there will be no charge until I am at least half-way through. I will show my progress (edits may be freely requested) and then payment will then be requested before the story is finished. Because of this, I would kindly ask not to be badgered about written commissions during the pre-payment stage. Post-payment, you are fully within your rights to complain if I'm taking a long time. Please respect this compromise.

Finally, I maintain the right to not accept a commission that I either would not enjoy working on or don't feel I could complete to a good standard. This is certainly no comment on you or your suggestion, don't hold back!

Payment will mainly be accepted through PayPal, but if you have an alternate method by all means ask.

Thanks in advance!
(Now that I've already thanked you that means you have to pay for a commission. Thems the politeness rules)

Planning a book that I may (but probably won't) write, and I need advice for what species to make a particular character.

The book will be somewhat Alice in Wonderland-ish. In fact, if I don't end up writing it, the chances are I didn't because it's too Alice in Wonderland-ish. But I digress. The main character will be human, and other characters a mix of humans, anthros and possibly animate objects*. The land will be ruled over by some sort of council, made up of delegates from each area (it will be less boring that it sounds, the delegates and the issues they talk about will all be insane and surreal) and it is one of the characters on this council that I need to place.

He (or she, I suppose) is some kind of anthro who lives in a section of forest that he has complete control over. When he is outside of the forest he is extremely laid-back and casual to the point of apathy, almost in a dreamworld of his own. He has minor powers like telekinesis, and tends to disappear and reappear all over the place, although never while being seen. It would be the sort of Chris Nolan Batman method of doing it when no one is looking. He also never takes an active interest in the land's affairs, though always votes: he abstains on every single vote the council make, meaning that it is never completely unanimous. However, if approached kindly he is usually pleasant.
Within his little forest however he is pretty much all powerful, and should anyone choose to enter it they will never come out again.
This character becomes a sort of self-appointed ally of the protagonist (to the surprise and disturbance of the other residents, who worry he is using the protagonist for his own ulterior motives) and gains the protagonist's complete and utter confidence. They then enter the forest, assuming themselves to be safe from his wrath, and are horrified that he still tries to kill them. However, either in this or a later murder attempt within the forest, the anthro saves the protagonist from a different certain death. The protagonist then has an easy escape. It is left ambiguous whether the anthro was just pretending to want to kill them and was nice all along or was actually willing to do it.

And that's about everything. So if anyone is still reading this (and what a trooper you are) I would love some advice on what species this anthro could be. Instantly I'm inclined to a cat or fox, but they seem so cliché for a character like that. Something a bit more 'out there', as long as it's carnivorous. Any ideas? I'm happy for it to be a mythical species as well (although not dragon)

Help would be greatly appreciated!

*Funny note for language freaks like me: I almost wrote "living inanimate objects". I just feel that is a very amusing contradiction of terms.

Dear everyone at FurAffinity (yes, you too users): Fuck right off.

Here in Britain April Fool's officially ends at 12pm. Therefore it has been over for me for 7 hours now. As such your hilarious thumbnail 'prank', if it may be so called, is a needless distraction to what otherwise should have been a mundane April afternoon.

I beseech you to think of your friends across the seas, and end all festivities at the appropriate times for British people.

If you fail to comply, we will invade and make you all start paying your damn taxes again.

Although thinking about it... that might be a good thing for you anyway. It's probably the only way that you'll ever get proper socialised medical care...

...

Where was I?

Oh yes. Put the thumbnails back!