My birthday is just around the corner, it's on Christmas day and I always become foul. It's hard having that day as my birthday, it makes you feel like you aren't special, that you have very little value compared to everyone else.

This year has been one of the worst and my family has done a lot to make me feel worthless. Essentially we are doing nothing for my birthday/Christmas, its broken me. The worst part being that I have been working hard for weeks with my father on refinishing the terrazzo floors and all for the purpose of "my birthday". All because my mother needed it, she said for the holiday. We worked hard but only got half done as it takes grinding, sanding multiple times with various grits and then buffing it out with multiple cleanings in between. Well nothing was bought, no tree or presents or food. Not a thing.

It makes me look back on the work I did, I lost like 50lbs, I went back to school after two and half years and got straight A's while also working and lots of house responsibilities(plus I may be able to transfer to state in the Fall). Yet it feels like all the work was for nothing because of little to no validation. Feels like I just endlessly work but gain nothing out of it.

Last year I was nothing, it was a blur of nothing, barely working, barely doing anything and I felt beyond disgusted with myself. Yet after all the work done this year I feel just the same and I wonder if my efforts will ever mean something.

These things are just my musings after a long and hard year of illness, emotional distress, massive anxiety , and fear. I've come out of 2017 with a lot of scars and it's not over yet. Even with it all I still fight every day to just live, to breathe and just exist in maybe a better way than the last 25 years . Maybe year 26 will be better or maybe worse, nobody knows and that can be scary. But we all are forced to move on, always and forever.

Merry Christmas everyone.

I pretty spend most of my days now working on school our at my job or housework and find that nothing makes me feel even decent for more than a few moments at a time. I jump back and forth between hating everyone and feeling an intense amount of jealous to people who are happy or have healthy friendships or relationships or people who others want to be around. I can't do those kinds of things that are pretty much innate in most people. I'm honestly just disgusted with myself but no amount of therapy and too much pride to sedate my issues away leave me just with nothing. Everyone has to ask themselves what do they want and life and where do you see yourself in the future, for it just means suffering. I have no real positive outlook for my life in any meaningful way, regardless if or when i graduate and go into teaching, all the money or good i do for those kids will not change my life. I kind have nothing to stand on and the reality that people seem to always do better when im not around doesn't help.

Is it strength to find a way to accept that life will always be nothing ? Is it bravery to accept a terrible fate ? This is pretty much how I exist now, going through the motions and wanting to have hope but life making it impossible to believe. All of the good things in life that people take for granted I indulge within the fiction I write, because life isn't fair and for some that is the only way they can even get close to feeling human. At this point im just rambling like a drunken old man reminiscing of days long since blurred with delusional nostalgia. Sometimes you just have to let out , write it out and set it free, but with no solutions things will return back to me far too soon.

So I've done something awful, I guess to sum it up I was with someone and they had another guy. It broke me, it hard to love someone and then realize you were nowhere near good enough. I felt such hatred, something I never felt before, I felt like all my fears and insecurities we're validated in the most painful way.

Then sometime after I was sick and emotionally destroyed, my anxiety and fears were beyond me. So in that time of weakness I talked to him again...I talked to the person who was my close friend and special someone. It was great to let it go, and to talk with him and play games and stuff. But after a bit I felt disgusted in myself. I realized that I could not let go of those last feelings...the love , the hate, everything. So yesterday I unfollowed him on all social media, gaming things, everything. I broke it off, and in the end I realized that he really was just pitying me. He felt some sort of guilt for how things happened.

In the end what hurts the most is I know this choice will not make me happy, quite the opposite, but it is also that it all felt good. It felt like I was getting some revenge, I was fighting back in some pathetic way. It felt good to hurt him, or even attempt to, I'm not the kind of person that feels that way. The reality though is, I'm a fucking loser, he has a great boyfriend who is far better than me in every way, he is happier without me and that I am a disgusting broken wretch.

It's a hard pill to swallow, but it's mine .

I just have mostly found endless sadness and pain in this fandom and I think I want out. Not sure how much my panda and all the art of him is worth, but when I do, it's probably when I will sell him

Not making this journal due to any drama or any other nonsense of the sort, but I am here to say that I will be spending less time on FA and more time on FN. I enjoy the site a lot so far and I want to give it a good shot, so you can find me by searching for weixiao or by clicking on this link beta.furrynetwork.com/weixiao/


I hope you are all having a great day and have been doing well. Been trying some small changes in my life that are making me feel a little better. cya all soon as always x3

Oh boy, what a year it has been so far, I just cannot begin to really explain the emotional roller coaster I've been through. So I basically went from blissfully happy to destroyed to just I guess now I feel empty a lot of the time. I got to go to my first Furcon (FC) and meet some friends irl like and it was an amazing, I had a lot of fun but it was not without it's low points. I am not sure where to turn to, like I just kind of feel as if I am wandering about without a spark of passion in me. As a more emotional person, being without that bit of light makes everything seem just a bit grey and uninteresting.

For now I am just trying to keep myself busy and I suppose just keeping myself preoccupied with others things. Which is why I am about to settle down to things and really learn how to draw and just sketch everything away. We need more people learning how to draw bears after all. I am honestly kind of hoping that through hard work I can just pick myself up and get better.


In the end I hope I can find the value in myself again, because right now I just feel like nothing and I am not sure when that will change.

Holy moly what a very sad and gloomy day this was and is, it's hard to deal with your own demons, but watching everyone you care for hurting or growing distant. That is really when things are just out of whack. I hope everyone feels better soon. No matter what though, I will always be there for you all if you need me.

So what a lot of people don't know about me is that at all times of the day I feel what I suppose people would call minor anxiety, so while I don't exist eternally panicking about myself and others around me, in the end fear and anxiety shape how I act around people. I think this anxiety comes from feeling unwanted and given very little attention from a very young age, from teachers, family and friends alike I've always felt as if I was not very important and generally no one would miss me if I was gone (like out of the situation). This stems from just feeling as if I am a terrible and boring person to be around.

Today feeling in a very depressive mood I felt that I should just leave a current chat group I am in and interact with daily and never return. The sad part is that the only reason I did not was because my anxiety convinced me that everyone would just say terrible things about me and feel glad that I was gone. That no one I talked to would care and everything would move on as normal regardless of my absence. Now of course I'm not someone who wants or tries to be the linchpin of all of my social groups, but I usually feel like an outsider looking in even now. This kind of mentality even claws its way into my relationship with burr. All the time little voices in my head tell me that we are not meant to be, that he is going to get bored of me and leave me alone even when I know that that is just not true. It's like I have a separate malignant part of my consciousness that is vile and trying to bring me down and back to being a broken and wounded self.

Burr did so many positive things for me in just the short time and the part of me writing this out right loves and trusts him unconditionally, but it feels unimaginably bad to have even a small part of my subconscious fears and anxieties muddle that sense of trust.

This is my life though, an eternal struggle between myself and the darkness in my heart and mind , I know I likely did not even explain myself or write this out very coherently and for that I apologize.


I feel like I am going to terribly regret speaking my mind, as usual...but sometimes you just have to let it all out.

An artist that I enjoy is having a raffle and you can read up more info here http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/6966191/ but hurry because this thing is ending in about 9 hours from now!. Good luck to all who enter and also..give this person some money they are fantastic

Hey everyone today I want to make a little journal to talk about a friend of mine, who is having some hard times. His mother was ran over by her own car and the resulting damage fractured her pelvis and one of her hips. To help pay for medical bills and other necessities he has opened up unlimited slots on commissions (which are amazing in both quality and price and he deserves a much bigger following imo). So go check him out and help him in anyway you can, if you do not need any art he is also naturally accepting donations as well. It would mean the world If you have any question his recent journals have all the information needed to get a commission or donation is right at the top of his most recent submissions, show him some love ok ?

Well well, to all the people who actually read me random bit of nonsense here or there, thank you! I wanted to actually update and treat these journals with a pseudo diary format but I've been a bit preoccupied as of late(I blame the Burr honestly). It seems like my life has taken a turn for the better honestly, from me finally not lurking fursonaless on the edges of the fandom, to making a lot of new friends online and finally...getting a boyfriend. I never dreamed that anyone would actually enjoy me enough to want to woo me and talk about me to all their friends and coworkers and essentially put me on a pedestal for all to see. Plus I am blessed to find someone who is able to help me get through my dark and depressive moods, even if I will be kicking and screaming and crying all the way through it.
So for now the future is looking bright, time to get a job and work hard to bring us both together as soon as possible, so that we can cook together and figure out how to be our own in house baristas together and just...everything. Perhaps eventually moving to Seattle wont be such a hard thing after all, as long as I have my best friend at my side. So then this looks to be the start of an amazing adventure between myself and my Burr.

Sincerely,
Weixiao

I've spent the vast majority of my life existing on the fringe end of the furry community, simply partaking in reading comics and appreciating the art while keeping my distance and my metaphorical head down. While I cannot lie that even existing on the basis of an outside looking in, I could tell that this community is a fun, and interesting place to meet and interact with people.

At the same time though, from just interacting with a few people on the furry subreddit or here and etc, it's just bizarre to me to have people actually interested in talking and chatting and hugging and snuggling. It is even more surprising that somehow I am a commodity of sorts having a panda fursona (and here I thought they were actually very common...how wrong I was). Plus people find the look of my fursona to be cute as well...i'm, honestly not really used to those kind of responses from people. Now I understand that even speaking like this can be seen as showing narcissistic tendencies but I use this as a point of reference to just how open and accepting this community is.

I'm not sure if i'll ever go to a con, or wear a fursuit out and about, but I just want to write this to say hello to all of you. To those who I've met, and to those I will meet in the future. Thanks for keeping this place, kind, kinky, and welcoming for place for a more reserved person like me.

~Weixiao