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Gettin' Trashed
Posted 18 years agoBwuahah...Yay for Maddog 20/20!
I haven't gotten drunk in like, 2 weeks now, so I figured I'd break the sober-cycle and go on a binge tonight. So, I've got a big-ass bottle of Strawberry Kiwi MD at my side and a bottle of peaches n' cream in the fridge with my name on it. (seriously, I put my name on it to mark that it's mine...)
So what's your poison of choice?
I like MD because A) it's low enough alc. vol. to keep me from getting too fucked, too fast (13%) and it doesn't leave me sick/hungover. It goes down smooth, and I don't need a chaser. (usually I chase beer...I hate the taste of alcohol, but I love the relaxation and inebriation associated with drinking.)
I used to be a big Vodka drinker...When I was leaving Josh, I was going through one of those biiiiig bottles of Burnette's every day. I'd put one in the freezer, wake up the next morning, drink until I passed out...Wake up, rinse and repeat. I used to be a total alcoholic, and I had a hard time putting it down back then. But, I did.
Now I don't drink as much, and I make sure that I use a lighter alcohol...Though if I'm at a bar, I have a penchant for Bay Breeze's (Vodka, pineapple juice, orange juice, splash of cranberry...Absolutely delicious!) As a karaoke DJ I typically get a 5 drink allowance every night I work, so it's probably a good thing I only work a couple of nights a week...LOL.
Anyway, what are your drinking experiences?
~Sabby P.
I haven't gotten drunk in like, 2 weeks now, so I figured I'd break the sober-cycle and go on a binge tonight. So, I've got a big-ass bottle of Strawberry Kiwi MD at my side and a bottle of peaches n' cream in the fridge with my name on it. (seriously, I put my name on it to mark that it's mine...)
So what's your poison of choice?
I like MD because A) it's low enough alc. vol. to keep me from getting too fucked, too fast (13%) and it doesn't leave me sick/hungover. It goes down smooth, and I don't need a chaser. (usually I chase beer...I hate the taste of alcohol, but I love the relaxation and inebriation associated with drinking.)
I used to be a big Vodka drinker...When I was leaving Josh, I was going through one of those biiiiig bottles of Burnette's every day. I'd put one in the freezer, wake up the next morning, drink until I passed out...Wake up, rinse and repeat. I used to be a total alcoholic, and I had a hard time putting it down back then. But, I did.
Now I don't drink as much, and I make sure that I use a lighter alcohol...Though if I'm at a bar, I have a penchant for Bay Breeze's (Vodka, pineapple juice, orange juice, splash of cranberry...Absolutely delicious!) As a karaoke DJ I typically get a 5 drink allowance every night I work, so it's probably a good thing I only work a couple of nights a week...LOL.
Anyway, what are your drinking experiences?
~Sabby P.
It feels like fall...
Posted 18 years agoI stepped out onto the porch today for a smoke, and realized the air wasn't quite as scorching as usual. The sun was high in the sky, and a leaf fluttered down into the woods after withering from the tree.
It feels like fall.
Fall is my favorite season...But as such it always holds such an abundance of memories. Why is it that my life always seems to be changing, during the fall?
Last year, I was getting married and looking at a new life, which I was so sure would work out.
The year before that, I had just left Josh, and was looking at a new life, which I was so sure would work out.
The year before that I had just had my gastric bypass and was sick with the neuropathy, and coping with the fact that I might never walk again. But I knew my stubborn ass would find a way...
The year before that, I'd just given birth to Arden, and was learning to be a mommy...
The year before that, I was falling madly and passionately in love with the only man who ever managed to change and tame me.
The year before that, I was losing my first real love.
The year before that, I was moving to Arizona, on my own for the first time ever.
Everything seems to happen in the fall. I'm waiting with baited breath and anticipation, wondering what the season holds for this year...Will it be good, a change from the rest of the year? Or will it be another brick in the wall of my life?
I guess only time will tell. For now, I have a few days of rest before having to run again...
It feels like fall.
Fall is my favorite season...But as such it always holds such an abundance of memories. Why is it that my life always seems to be changing, during the fall?
Last year, I was getting married and looking at a new life, which I was so sure would work out.
The year before that, I had just left Josh, and was looking at a new life, which I was so sure would work out.
The year before that I had just had my gastric bypass and was sick with the neuropathy, and coping with the fact that I might never walk again. But I knew my stubborn ass would find a way...
The year before that, I'd just given birth to Arden, and was learning to be a mommy...
The year before that, I was falling madly and passionately in love with the only man who ever managed to change and tame me.
The year before that, I was losing my first real love.
The year before that, I was moving to Arizona, on my own for the first time ever.
Everything seems to happen in the fall. I'm waiting with baited breath and anticipation, wondering what the season holds for this year...Will it be good, a change from the rest of the year? Or will it be another brick in the wall of my life?
I guess only time will tell. For now, I have a few days of rest before having to run again...
Movie Piracy, At It's Best - and WoW
Posted 18 years agoSo, I've had my nose stuck in this one site for the past couple of days...It's http://www.alluc.org . My sweetie told me about it, and it is YES. They have almost anything you can imagine, and it's all streaming, and free. Go there and worship, my friends. Bow down to it's might, before the RIAA pwns it.
Anyone out there play WoW? I'm just getting back into it, and have a lowbie 'lock on Boulderfist. Not played for a few days, been busy playing with other things. *grrrowl* :D I've been a good girl, I promise! ;)
On a happier note, I think I might have finally found someone awesome. We have allot in common, and he's sexy as hell. If he's a playa, then he owns the game, but I have every reason to believe it's legit. And I'm thinking that, maybe, just maybe, my luck is finally changing. I felt comfortable with him, and usually I don't feel comfortable with *anybody*.
But enough of my drooling, for now. I'm sure I'll babble more later. :D
~Sabby
Anyone out there play WoW? I'm just getting back into it, and have a lowbie 'lock on Boulderfist. Not played for a few days, been busy playing with other things. *grrrowl* :D I've been a good girl, I promise! ;)
On a happier note, I think I might have finally found someone awesome. We have allot in common, and he's sexy as hell. If he's a playa, then he owns the game, but I have every reason to believe it's legit. And I'm thinking that, maybe, just maybe, my luck is finally changing. I felt comfortable with him, and usually I don't feel comfortable with *anybody*.
But enough of my drooling, for now. I'm sure I'll babble more later. :D
~Sabby
Have a (green) day.
Posted 18 years agoWell, smack my ass and call me Molly, I haven't been here in ages. I haven't even had my own computer in ages...Finally do. This is my new bebbeh. *worships* Not the best in the world, but it works and that's all that matters, no?
I've been having a bad day/week/month, whatever. Moved again, just got informed gonna have to move again because my roomies are moving out...Shit. All of this so close to Idols, too.
You all are going to vote for me, right? I knew I would get on this year, and I was right. I was a total bitch and said some nasty things on TV, which I *kinda* regret (even if they were true, for the most part...) Yeah, I won't go there right now.
I have every right to be vindictive, and everyone agrees with me there. I've been swimming in a cesspool of shit this year, and it seems to only get deeper the farther I wade in. *sigh*
Ah well. Gonna post some new pictures. Anyone looking for a roommate? I cook, clean, and pay my share of everything. If I don't find somewhere to go, it's back to staying in my Corolla Condo, which I don't wanna do yet.
Song of the moment - and oh, how fitting -
Green Day - Wake Me Up When September Ends Lyrics
Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends
Like my fathers come to pass
Seven years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends
Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are
As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends
Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends
Ring out the bells again
Like we did when Spring began
Wake me up when September ends
Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are
As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends
Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends
Like my fathers come to pass
Twenty years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends
Wake me up when September ends
Wake me up when September ends
I've been having a bad day/week/month, whatever. Moved again, just got informed gonna have to move again because my roomies are moving out...Shit. All of this so close to Idols, too.
You all are going to vote for me, right? I knew I would get on this year, and I was right. I was a total bitch and said some nasty things on TV, which I *kinda* regret (even if they were true, for the most part...) Yeah, I won't go there right now.
I have every right to be vindictive, and everyone agrees with me there. I've been swimming in a cesspool of shit this year, and it seems to only get deeper the farther I wade in. *sigh*
Ah well. Gonna post some new pictures. Anyone looking for a roommate? I cook, clean, and pay my share of everything. If I don't find somewhere to go, it's back to staying in my Corolla Condo, which I don't wanna do yet.
Song of the moment - and oh, how fitting -
Green Day - Wake Me Up When September Ends Lyrics
Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends
Like my fathers come to pass
Seven years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends
Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are
As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends
Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends
Ring out the bells again
Like we did when Spring began
Wake me up when September ends
Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are
As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends
Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends
Like my fathers come to pass
Twenty years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends
Wake me up when September ends
Wake me up when September ends
And now for part two.
Posted 18 years agoOkay...Where were we?
Well, last week I totalled my Prelude. I broke two ribs, got a concussion (the windshield looked like a spiderweb...I wish I would have taken a picture!) Sprained my wrist, and bruised my knee pretty bad. Arden, my son, was with me at the time and safely buckled in a carseat in the back.
And, yes, it was ruled as the other drivers fault. Bummer he didn't have insurance...
My career is moving forward again, I've got shows scheduled and have an audition for the KY Opry...I was Jr. Pro when I was in middle school, but moved away.
More than anything, I've had some realizations that I'm glad I've came to, painful though they may be...
Eben and I were never really destined to be together, he's too much of a player, too much of a fake. In fact, he's about as real as my hair color. I let myself become naive out of blind trust and love. I should have never forgotten myself...
I never understood what he meant when he said he used to be an asshole...He always acted so painfully sweet! But that's just the thing, it was an act. Carefully staged, plotted and planned.
On another hope, I sincerely do hope a cheetah shits on his passport.
He actually had the balls to ask ME to send him the divorce papers...LMMFAO! The divorce was HIS idea, HIS choice, in fact I wasn't given even the BEGINNINGS of an option in this freak-show. Send him the divorce papers? Bah, he's lucky to even get my signature without a fight.
And beyond that, cruel as it may be, I enjoy the fact that I have him by the cajones in that department right now. He took everything away from me, but dammit-to-hell I'm going to keep the smug satisfaction of watching him fall. I've earned that much through blood, sweat and tears.
I still love him and always will...Just because that love has always been a part of me. But honestly, I don't like him very much anymore.
I do pity him, though, because he lives in a fantasy world that just doesn't exist. He RP's though life, a job, whatever, but at the end of the day his life is elsewhere. I wonder if anything has ever been real for him. I tried to be; but he's so content in his mind that I think I was fucked from the start.
All he wanted out of me was a visa, anyway. And, for the record, that's why I never got it started...LOL. I wanted to know that he was staying for me, and not just using me to get his paperwork...And, to be honest? I didn't like the thought of being a tool.
I freaked out when I found out that I was right, and tried everything to make it untrue...You know, I'd rather be wrong than right, any day. When you're wrong, you can fix the problem yourself...When you're right, there's nothing you can do about it.
I've heard he has someone else now. Hopefully not in the states, because I have the feeling he's just about finished over here.
Uh...Part three tomorrow! WOW, there is SOOOO much going on right now! I told Eben to give me until after the first of the year to get things straightened out...I wanted to make sure he stayed. He didn't, and everything else I've prophesized over the past year has come to pass. I should have listened to my instincts all along, but - Wizard's First Rule - People are stupid (myself especially!) People will believe anything because they either want it to be true...Or they are terrified that it is. I was terrified that I was right about him, but I WANTED to believe in that sweetness he portrayed...
Enough about that for now. Gotta go! More tomorrow, and then hopefully I can get around to reading my notes! (18...PHEW!)
~Sabbz
Well, last week I totalled my Prelude. I broke two ribs, got a concussion (the windshield looked like a spiderweb...I wish I would have taken a picture!) Sprained my wrist, and bruised my knee pretty bad. Arden, my son, was with me at the time and safely buckled in a carseat in the back.
And, yes, it was ruled as the other drivers fault. Bummer he didn't have insurance...
My career is moving forward again, I've got shows scheduled and have an audition for the KY Opry...I was Jr. Pro when I was in middle school, but moved away.
More than anything, I've had some realizations that I'm glad I've came to, painful though they may be...
Eben and I were never really destined to be together, he's too much of a player, too much of a fake. In fact, he's about as real as my hair color. I let myself become naive out of blind trust and love. I should have never forgotten myself...
I never understood what he meant when he said he used to be an asshole...He always acted so painfully sweet! But that's just the thing, it was an act. Carefully staged, plotted and planned.
On another hope, I sincerely do hope a cheetah shits on his passport.
He actually had the balls to ask ME to send him the divorce papers...LMMFAO! The divorce was HIS idea, HIS choice, in fact I wasn't given even the BEGINNINGS of an option in this freak-show. Send him the divorce papers? Bah, he's lucky to even get my signature without a fight.
And beyond that, cruel as it may be, I enjoy the fact that I have him by the cajones in that department right now. He took everything away from me, but dammit-to-hell I'm going to keep the smug satisfaction of watching him fall. I've earned that much through blood, sweat and tears.
I still love him and always will...Just because that love has always been a part of me. But honestly, I don't like him very much anymore.
I do pity him, though, because he lives in a fantasy world that just doesn't exist. He RP's though life, a job, whatever, but at the end of the day his life is elsewhere. I wonder if anything has ever been real for him. I tried to be; but he's so content in his mind that I think I was fucked from the start.
All he wanted out of me was a visa, anyway. And, for the record, that's why I never got it started...LOL. I wanted to know that he was staying for me, and not just using me to get his paperwork...And, to be honest? I didn't like the thought of being a tool.
I freaked out when I found out that I was right, and tried everything to make it untrue...You know, I'd rather be wrong than right, any day. When you're wrong, you can fix the problem yourself...When you're right, there's nothing you can do about it.
I've heard he has someone else now. Hopefully not in the states, because I have the feeling he's just about finished over here.
Uh...Part three tomorrow! WOW, there is SOOOO much going on right now! I told Eben to give me until after the first of the year to get things straightened out...I wanted to make sure he stayed. He didn't, and everything else I've prophesized over the past year has come to pass. I should have listened to my instincts all along, but - Wizard's First Rule - People are stupid (myself especially!) People will believe anything because they either want it to be true...Or they are terrified that it is. I was terrified that I was right about him, but I WANTED to believe in that sweetness he portrayed...
Enough about that for now. Gotta go! More tomorrow, and then hopefully I can get around to reading my notes! (18...PHEW!)
~Sabbz
Whew, Finally An Update!
Posted 18 years agoSo much has happened in the past month, inside and out. This will be another long one, folks.
Early last month our phone was disconnected and our DSL was turned off. We were REALLY struggling...3 people living on less than 5$ a day, including smokes. I had been days at a time without food because we just didn't have enough money to get by, and was starting to get very ill. My hair was coming out in clumps when I washed it, I'd lost about 35 lbs since December (From just over 200.) I just didn't know what to do...
So, on Valentine's day, I had oral surgery. 3 wisdom teeth cut out, one which was wrapped around the bone...They gave me 3x the sedative typically given to patients (via IV, no pills here...) and couldn't anesthetize me. The Novacaine didn't completely numb me, either, so I was feeling every single rip and tear in there. (Talk about your dental nightmares...)
When I left, I just hopped in the car, drove back to the apartment, got a few things together, and left. I drove up to Kentucky, to the little rural mining community where I grew up. I've not been here for anything other than a quick visit in about ten years.
My aunt Trula gave me a house (My own house!) and there's FOOD. And I got to keep my SSI check this month for shopping! I got new clothes! w00t!
my cat, Jada, as well as my dog Ruggs came up here with me.
Oh! I forgot to mention my dog...
Remember a few months ago when I said that I wanted a dog? Well, when Eb wouldnt let me have one, I said that one would show up at our apartment...And I said it would be black and white. And that's how I knew it would be mine...
One day, I went outside, and there was this lilttle black and white Shi-tzu just sitting behind my car! He had been sitting out there all day, my roommates said. I asked all around the apartment complex and nobody knew where he came from! So I named him Rugby. (For a stupid reason...Don't wanna go there right now.)
Anyway, there's so much more...I'll post part 2 of this journal later tonight.
Early last month our phone was disconnected and our DSL was turned off. We were REALLY struggling...3 people living on less than 5$ a day, including smokes. I had been days at a time without food because we just didn't have enough money to get by, and was starting to get very ill. My hair was coming out in clumps when I washed it, I'd lost about 35 lbs since December (From just over 200.) I just didn't know what to do...
So, on Valentine's day, I had oral surgery. 3 wisdom teeth cut out, one which was wrapped around the bone...They gave me 3x the sedative typically given to patients (via IV, no pills here...) and couldn't anesthetize me. The Novacaine didn't completely numb me, either, so I was feeling every single rip and tear in there. (Talk about your dental nightmares...)
When I left, I just hopped in the car, drove back to the apartment, got a few things together, and left. I drove up to Kentucky, to the little rural mining community where I grew up. I've not been here for anything other than a quick visit in about ten years.
My aunt Trula gave me a house (My own house!) and there's FOOD. And I got to keep my SSI check this month for shopping! I got new clothes! w00t!
my cat, Jada, as well as my dog Ruggs came up here with me.
Oh! I forgot to mention my dog...
Remember a few months ago when I said that I wanted a dog? Well, when Eb wouldnt let me have one, I said that one would show up at our apartment...And I said it would be black and white. And that's how I knew it would be mine...
One day, I went outside, and there was this lilttle black and white Shi-tzu just sitting behind my car! He had been sitting out there all day, my roommates said. I asked all around the apartment complex and nobody knew where he came from! So I named him Rugby. (For a stupid reason...Don't wanna go there right now.)
Anyway, there's so much more...I'll post part 2 of this journal later tonight.
SMART decisions...
Posted 18 years agoYou know, I was talking to my roommate the other day when I made the most intelligent decision of my romantic career...
See, when my second husband left, he went to another city.
When my first husband left, he went clear to another state.
My third husband I chased clear out of the country apparently, since he's back in that-country-that-does-not-exist-to-me-anymore-
but-was-previously-known-as-South-Africa.
My decision? I'm never going to date an astronaut. It just wouldn't work out, call it a hunch...
See, when my second husband left, he went to another city.
When my first husband left, he went clear to another state.
My third husband I chased clear out of the country apparently, since he's back in that-country-that-does-not-exist-to-me-anymore-
but-was-previously-known-as-South-Africa.
My decision? I'm never going to date an astronaut. It just wouldn't work out, call it a hunch...
Decisions.
Posted 19 years agoI finally got my laptop back, thank goodness (And thank Keldrin!)
I've been so torn up over the past month...But I think I know what I have to do, now.
I'm at the point where I have nothing left to lose.
Sorry so cryptic, nobody worry about how that sounds. I now have a goal.
I've been so torn up over the past month...But I think I know what I have to do, now.
I'm at the point where I have nothing left to lose.
Sorry so cryptic, nobody worry about how that sounds. I now have a goal.
Valentine's Day
Posted 19 years agoThis will be long. I have a knack for long journal entries, don't I? But I need to write all of this out, so bear with me and you'll get a cookie. SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM BOLD PART FOR IMPORTANT INFORMATION
I made a vow when I was 16 to never, ever be alone on Valentine's day again, but this year is an exception.
I walk down the street and see people. People who wouldn't try to understand, people who probably wouldn't care, and I cringe silently inside. I put on a smile, and I face the day with as much fake ambition as the next person.
And I wonder how many others I see on the day-to-day do the very same thing.
My heart is gone. I feel hollow and empty inside. I'm tired of being told that I'm not good enough...
Eben hit a low blow in an email recently, throwing up that I've been married twice before...That's really hitting below the belt, and that one definitely knicked a nut...
When I gave myself to him, it was forever. I meant it. I meant that I would stand behind him nomatter what. I meant that I would love him until the day I die. I meant that I couldn't give myself to anyone else, because I'm no longer my own person emotionally.
I may have been married twice before, but in my ignorance and arrogance I never gave myself away to them. I couldn't, the second time, because Eb's had my heart for the last 6 years. I can't give away what's no longrer mine.
And he had me nailed to the cross before I even knew I was sentenced to death. How am I *supposed* to be dealing with that?
He said that most of it was common sense, but I've been clear for 6 years now that from time to time I'm lacking in that area...But I want to fix that. I don't know how, but every time I add a piece to the puzzle I get better and better at just "living" through this life.
He never told me what was wrong, but expected me to know. Unfortunately I'm not the psychic one in this house. I even asked him to tell me when I was doing wrong...All along, I've asked, but he never answered.
And when I tried to do better, I thought I was succeeding...He never told me I was still a failure, because if I'd known, I could have changed it. One thing I've said from the moment I met him was that I would do anything for him, anything he asked...
But I can't change what I don't know. If I would have known, I would have fixed it. That's what I do, I find a way to fix problems.
Distance, divorce, none of that changes the fact that I still love him.
I can't be mad at myself for not knowing, but I still am. I'm mad at myself because I hurt him again, somehow, and didn't even know it. And that hurts me...
Eben's not a bad guy, y'all. He's sweet and funny and the best thing that's ever happened to me. So please don't hate him because of me...Because I still love him.
No 3rd chance...I didn't even know I was fucking up my second chance.
The first time we were together almost 6 years ago, I did fuck up. It was direct, intentional, and completely my fault...
But this time, if I would have only known...
I can't blame myself, everyone keeps telling me that...But I do.
I hurt because I've lost the only thing in my life worth living for.
But I hurt more knowing that he feels the same pain.
So...Valentine's day is next week. I should be in another country with my husband.
But I'm just going to be having surgery in this one. At least that means that I'll sleep through most of the day. At least that means I'll be medicated enough not to think about what's really going on.
You know...When I knew that my pot smoking really bothered him, I was willing to give it up. When I knew my cigarettes were bothering him, I was willing to give them up, cold-turkey. The pain of that is nothing compared to this.
I got on medication. I started "fixing" the problems. Fix-er-up girl, again.
But it still wasn't enough, and he still wants to leave me.
It's always too little, too late with me. I'm willing to do anything for Eben, but my everything wasn't quite enough. I don't know how to fight with ghosts. I can't compete with things that just aren't there...
And I don't know what he expects me to do. I don't know what he wants me to do. Again, I don't know and asking is getting me nowhere.
No excuses, only effort to change and that wasn't enough.
Now I'm facing the worst abandonment fear I've ever had.
And I am more consumed than I let on.
My bills were 3 months behind, so this month I had to choose between my laptop and my running water...I had to pay 350$ to the electric company, and still owe 300$ to them and 75$ to the water company. My check for next month is going out before I even get it, because I don't want to be living in my car again...
So my laptop is still in pawn, and now I really might lose it. I'm going to call them today and ask if they can hold it until the end of the week, I'm going to have to come up with 200$ if I can get the extention.
I have 2 full 70 sheet sketchbooks filled up, and 1 empty one that I can fill up with whatever you want (A commission sketchbook). I will also do 5 color commissions in Photoshop. I want 200$ total for everything, and I can mail the sketchbooks upfront before you pay. You can pay the pawn shop directly if you don't trust me to, because all I really want at this point is my lappy back.
If I lose my laptop, it'll probably be months before I can get anything else to work on, so I'm desperate.
If you want commission music, I'll do it for whatever you offer.
You name it, I'll do it. I have to do something.
If anyone wants anything, let me know, and I will do it. I'm sorry that I got sick a few months ago, I've let alot of people down...Most of all my husband, and myself.
My number is (912)354-2437 if anyone has any questions...I'm not online much because I don't have a computer at the moment, and the library has a 30 minute time limit.
So I need to stop typing now before it cuts off.
~Sabby
I made a vow when I was 16 to never, ever be alone on Valentine's day again, but this year is an exception.
I walk down the street and see people. People who wouldn't try to understand, people who probably wouldn't care, and I cringe silently inside. I put on a smile, and I face the day with as much fake ambition as the next person.
And I wonder how many others I see on the day-to-day do the very same thing.
My heart is gone. I feel hollow and empty inside. I'm tired of being told that I'm not good enough...
Eben hit a low blow in an email recently, throwing up that I've been married twice before...That's really hitting below the belt, and that one definitely knicked a nut...
When I gave myself to him, it was forever. I meant it. I meant that I would stand behind him nomatter what. I meant that I would love him until the day I die. I meant that I couldn't give myself to anyone else, because I'm no longer my own person emotionally.
I may have been married twice before, but in my ignorance and arrogance I never gave myself away to them. I couldn't, the second time, because Eb's had my heart for the last 6 years. I can't give away what's no longrer mine.
And he had me nailed to the cross before I even knew I was sentenced to death. How am I *supposed* to be dealing with that?
He said that most of it was common sense, but I've been clear for 6 years now that from time to time I'm lacking in that area...But I want to fix that. I don't know how, but every time I add a piece to the puzzle I get better and better at just "living" through this life.
He never told me what was wrong, but expected me to know. Unfortunately I'm not the psychic one in this house. I even asked him to tell me when I was doing wrong...All along, I've asked, but he never answered.
And when I tried to do better, I thought I was succeeding...He never told me I was still a failure, because if I'd known, I could have changed it. One thing I've said from the moment I met him was that I would do anything for him, anything he asked...
But I can't change what I don't know. If I would have known, I would have fixed it. That's what I do, I find a way to fix problems.
Distance, divorce, none of that changes the fact that I still love him.
I can't be mad at myself for not knowing, but I still am. I'm mad at myself because I hurt him again, somehow, and didn't even know it. And that hurts me...
Eben's not a bad guy, y'all. He's sweet and funny and the best thing that's ever happened to me. So please don't hate him because of me...Because I still love him.
No 3rd chance...I didn't even know I was fucking up my second chance.
The first time we were together almost 6 years ago, I did fuck up. It was direct, intentional, and completely my fault...
But this time, if I would have only known...
I can't blame myself, everyone keeps telling me that...But I do.
I hurt because I've lost the only thing in my life worth living for.
But I hurt more knowing that he feels the same pain.
So...Valentine's day is next week. I should be in another country with my husband.
But I'm just going to be having surgery in this one. At least that means that I'll sleep through most of the day. At least that means I'll be medicated enough not to think about what's really going on.
You know...When I knew that my pot smoking really bothered him, I was willing to give it up. When I knew my cigarettes were bothering him, I was willing to give them up, cold-turkey. The pain of that is nothing compared to this.
I got on medication. I started "fixing" the problems. Fix-er-up girl, again.
But it still wasn't enough, and he still wants to leave me.
It's always too little, too late with me. I'm willing to do anything for Eben, but my everything wasn't quite enough. I don't know how to fight with ghosts. I can't compete with things that just aren't there...
And I don't know what he expects me to do. I don't know what he wants me to do. Again, I don't know and asking is getting me nowhere.
No excuses, only effort to change and that wasn't enough.
Now I'm facing the worst abandonment fear I've ever had.
And I am more consumed than I let on.
My bills were 3 months behind, so this month I had to choose between my laptop and my running water...I had to pay 350$ to the electric company, and still owe 300$ to them and 75$ to the water company. My check for next month is going out before I even get it, because I don't want to be living in my car again...
So my laptop is still in pawn, and now I really might lose it. I'm going to call them today and ask if they can hold it until the end of the week, I'm going to have to come up with 200$ if I can get the extention.
I have 2 full 70 sheet sketchbooks filled up, and 1 empty one that I can fill up with whatever you want (A commission sketchbook). I will also do 5 color commissions in Photoshop. I want 200$ total for everything, and I can mail the sketchbooks upfront before you pay. You can pay the pawn shop directly if you don't trust me to, because all I really want at this point is my lappy back.
If I lose my laptop, it'll probably be months before I can get anything else to work on, so I'm desperate.
If you want commission music, I'll do it for whatever you offer.
You name it, I'll do it. I have to do something.
If anyone wants anything, let me know, and I will do it. I'm sorry that I got sick a few months ago, I've let alot of people down...Most of all my husband, and myself.
My number is (912)354-2437 if anyone has any questions...I'm not online much because I don't have a computer at the moment, and the library has a 30 minute time limit.
So I need to stop typing now before it cuts off.
~Sabby
Yeah, I'm still alive...
Posted 19 years agoJust a quick note to say that I'm weathering through. Been spending alot of time talking to my son, which has been great. I'm proud to say that I've rediscovered the telephone!
It wasn't until I faced fear straight-on that I realized there was nothing to be afraid of.
What's shitty is that I haven't heard a f'kin word from Eben since he left. No email, no call, nothing. That...Upsets...Me. But my mood is so stable from the Trileptol that somehow I think I'll survive ;P
Bah, I should have known better from the start, but trusting naivity always tends to win with me...Never again.
I can look myself in the mirror every day and say that I've never ended a marriage because my spouse pawned an MP3 player or does a few extra-curricular substances on occassion. So I guess I'm okay with that.
If I'm not enough alone to make him stay, then in all honesty...I DON'T need him.
Time heals all wounds but acceptance is the novacaine that numbs you until you forget.
It wasn't until I faced fear straight-on that I realized there was nothing to be afraid of.
What's shitty is that I haven't heard a f'kin word from Eben since he left. No email, no call, nothing. That...Upsets...Me. But my mood is so stable from the Trileptol that somehow I think I'll survive ;P
Bah, I should have known better from the start, but trusting naivity always tends to win with me...Never again.
I can look myself in the mirror every day and say that I've never ended a marriage because my spouse pawned an MP3 player or does a few extra-curricular substances on occassion. So I guess I'm okay with that.
If I'm not enough alone to make him stay, then in all honesty...I DON'T need him.
Time heals all wounds but acceptance is the novacaine that numbs you until you forget.
I'm Pissed Off.
Posted 19 years agoToday has been my day to be pissed off.
I don't have a computer at the moment until after the first of the month. I'll email everyone i need to, then.
I cant believe he's letting his fears control his life. I cant change that for him, only he can change that for himself.
You dont throw away five years for two bad months. That's stupid by any means. Marriage is sacred.
My stomach hurts.
I don't have a computer at the moment until after the first of the month. I'll email everyone i need to, then.
I cant believe he's letting his fears control his life. I cant change that for him, only he can change that for himself.
You dont throw away five years for two bad months. That's stupid by any means. Marriage is sacred.
My stomach hurts.
Empty
Posted 19 years agoI am empty.
I've lost my other half.
My soul is incomplete, and there's nothing I can do about it.
I've made a change, had epiphony's aplenty recently. I committed myself to making it work, but it's been too late all along. He just...Never told me that anything was wrong. That was the one thing he promised to do, he promised to tell me if anything was wrong...And he never did.
He almost left me without ever telling me he was going. I would have just came home and...He'd be gone.
Five years down the drain because of three months of this illness. Funny thing, when I realized that I was losing him, I was snapped out of the bipolar episode I was in like a fish on a hook. Somehow my love for him and fear of losing him did what no medicine has ever done.
I'm willing to do whatever is necessary, because I love him...But I can't make him do the same. I can't make him love me, if he doesn't.
And I am empty.
I've lost my other half.
My soul is incomplete, and there's nothing I can do about it.
I've made a change, had epiphony's aplenty recently. I committed myself to making it work, but it's been too late all along. He just...Never told me that anything was wrong. That was the one thing he promised to do, he promised to tell me if anything was wrong...And he never did.
He almost left me without ever telling me he was going. I would have just came home and...He'd be gone.
Five years down the drain because of three months of this illness. Funny thing, when I realized that I was losing him, I was snapped out of the bipolar episode I was in like a fish on a hook. Somehow my love for him and fear of losing him did what no medicine has ever done.
I'm willing to do whatever is necessary, because I love him...But I can't make him do the same. I can't make him love me, if he doesn't.
And I am empty.
I can see how Scrooge turned miserly.
Posted 19 years agoI'm to the point where I'm beginning to hate Christmas. Each year it seems to get worse and worse...Christmas is supposed to be a time of giving, love and sharing, yet for some reason It's not been that way for me in years.
This year takes the cake, I think.
Thursday (Dec. 21st, the shortest day of the year...Not only that, but my ex-husband & My wedding anniversary) my roommates borrowed the car to get to work at Captains, where I used to be a karaoke DJ. (Losing my job in November because of a rumour was catalystic to me, I've virtually disappeared from the face of the earth since then...) As they were leaving, they get pulled over.
They were giving a ride to someone Samantha knew from the bar, and at the time he was drunk and running his mouth to the police. That's never a smart thing to do.
After a search, Samantha and the guy (Lenny) were taken into custody for possession charges. Our other roommate, Wes, caught a ride with someone else he knew and came home to let us know that our car was impounded for expired tags!
Yesterday I wake up, and thanks to me having one of the worst colds/flu I've had my entire life, try to fart and shit myself. (Gross but true.) I immediately make the :O <~~~ Face IRL while turning my head quickly to face Eben. When my neck turned, there was a loud "Pop" and excrutiating pain. I have to get up and quickly make it to the bathroom, but I can no longer hold my head up under it's own power, and I'm screaming/crying in pain (I can take alot, mind you...)
I make it back to bed when all was cleaned up, having to hold my head up like it's attached by stitches. I call one of Sam's friends and beg him to take me to the tag office so I can get my tags and get my car out of impound.
He picks me up and takes me there. At this point I'm still having to hold my neck up, and time I move my hand and try to hold it up normally it just doesn't have the strength and I scream out in pain.
We get to the tag office and, lo-and-behold, they're closed.
I was planning on going to the ER after I got my car, so this basically fucked that idea in the ass. Even if I got an ambulance to take me to the hospital, I couldn't get home. So I spend the day lying in bed and sniffling softly because - let me tell you - whatever is wrong with me is excrutiating. There's a knot the size of my fist on the left side of my neck, and while I can finally hold my head up today, I can't turn my head or nod at all.
Since Eben has to pay 120$ a week automatically out of his check for an apartment he's not lived in since July, the delay is going to put us 50$ over what he made this week. Which means we literally can't afford to get the car out now. I've lost my worth-about-2000$ car because now there's no way to afford to get it out of impound. They charge day-by-day, and there's literally NO way to pay for the impound fees and storage fees as well as the tags. Each week the fees go up more than his fucking full time salary. We have nothing to pawn left for the extra money.
When Sam got picked up for possession, I had to quickly scrable to erradicate all green and paraphernalia from the house. Which means the three plants that I've nutured and treated like children (and which I was planning on giving out for Christmas, because they were the only things I had worth giving...) had to go. So I had to chop them down. I gave 'em to a friend of mine. They're not dried so I couldn't sell them for extra $$, and not mature enough to pull a price above low-grade, even though they're imported seeds. Another month and they'd be worth about 400$/ounce, I had 3 three-foot-tall plants budding.
Sam's daughter is here for a visit. She just turned 18, and it's the first time Sam has seen her in 6 years.
Sam's still in jail, 'cause we're 50$ away from bailing her out, too.
So...The only way for Eben to still get to work is on Sam's scooter, which, thank God, she left the keys too. Earlier this morning we were joking around about him getting pulled over on this little moped...
I finally get some sleep, and wake up to the phone ringing.
"Remember how we were joking about me getting pulled over? Yeah, well...I'm down on the corner of MXR and waters...Yeah...Just got pulled over...Apparently you need a motorcycle license to drive this thing...(Scooter shop said you didn't because it doesn't go over 40 MPH...)
We've not been able to afford much food here recently, since I lost my job. I can't get on food stamps because I don't have a birth certificate and all this post-9-11 big-brother bullshit. Anyway, my hair is falling out in clumps (I seriously dread taking a shower, because I'm developing actual bald spots from lack of protien and at least a good handful of hair falls out each time I shower...) On top of that, I've redeveloped my neuropathy because of malnutrition. I've got that waddling, "Duck gait" and pain in my legs. I can barely stand again, and am lucky to walk to the bathroom when I need to.
So, now my roommate is in jail and I'm taking care of her daughter, I have no car, my hubby can't get to work on the scooter, no food in the house, malnutrition, whiplash or something equally fucked-up with my neck.
Oh, yeah. And my grandma died Dec. 5th.
I don't expect alot for Christmas, I learned early on that few people will remember me and I take my pleasure from getting gifts from others. Kinda like, if I'm not getting anything, I at least want to give someone else what I'm lacking.
I want a puppy. Every year since I was about 5 years old, I've wanted a puppy for Christmas. I've had dogs and puppies over the years, but I don't now and this is the first time that I've not had canine companionship. I seem to be unable to get pregnant at the moment, I feel left out and ignored ALOT in my life, all I want is a dog that will give me attention. The cats pay attention to me every now and then, but it's not the same.
It doesn't have to be anything more than a free dog or puppy from the paper. I just want the person that I love to give it to me as a gift. Nobody has ever been willing to before.
Judging by my husbands feverent opposition to the idea I doubt it's going to happen this year. If it doesn't, there is going to be something that snaps inside of me. I don't know what, but there's a piece of my heart hanging on by a thread right now and that will be enough to sever it the rest of the way. I'll keep hoping and praying, though. I could always be surprised.
Every year Christmas gets worse and worse. If I die when I'm 36 of lung cancer like was predicted, I'll bet it'll be on Christmas day.
This year takes the cake, I think.
Thursday (Dec. 21st, the shortest day of the year...Not only that, but my ex-husband & My wedding anniversary) my roommates borrowed the car to get to work at Captains, where I used to be a karaoke DJ. (Losing my job in November because of a rumour was catalystic to me, I've virtually disappeared from the face of the earth since then...) As they were leaving, they get pulled over.
They were giving a ride to someone Samantha knew from the bar, and at the time he was drunk and running his mouth to the police. That's never a smart thing to do.
After a search, Samantha and the guy (Lenny) were taken into custody for possession charges. Our other roommate, Wes, caught a ride with someone else he knew and came home to let us know that our car was impounded for expired tags!
Yesterday I wake up, and thanks to me having one of the worst colds/flu I've had my entire life, try to fart and shit myself. (Gross but true.) I immediately make the :O <~~~ Face IRL while turning my head quickly to face Eben. When my neck turned, there was a loud "Pop" and excrutiating pain. I have to get up and quickly make it to the bathroom, but I can no longer hold my head up under it's own power, and I'm screaming/crying in pain (I can take alot, mind you...)
I make it back to bed when all was cleaned up, having to hold my head up like it's attached by stitches. I call one of Sam's friends and beg him to take me to the tag office so I can get my tags and get my car out of impound.
He picks me up and takes me there. At this point I'm still having to hold my neck up, and time I move my hand and try to hold it up normally it just doesn't have the strength and I scream out in pain.
We get to the tag office and, lo-and-behold, they're closed.
I was planning on going to the ER after I got my car, so this basically fucked that idea in the ass. Even if I got an ambulance to take me to the hospital, I couldn't get home. So I spend the day lying in bed and sniffling softly because - let me tell you - whatever is wrong with me is excrutiating. There's a knot the size of my fist on the left side of my neck, and while I can finally hold my head up today, I can't turn my head or nod at all.
Since Eben has to pay 120$ a week automatically out of his check for an apartment he's not lived in since July, the delay is going to put us 50$ over what he made this week. Which means we literally can't afford to get the car out now. I've lost my worth-about-2000$ car because now there's no way to afford to get it out of impound. They charge day-by-day, and there's literally NO way to pay for the impound fees and storage fees as well as the tags. Each week the fees go up more than his fucking full time salary. We have nothing to pawn left for the extra money.
When Sam got picked up for possession, I had to quickly scrable to erradicate all green and paraphernalia from the house. Which means the three plants that I've nutured and treated like children (and which I was planning on giving out for Christmas, because they were the only things I had worth giving...) had to go. So I had to chop them down. I gave 'em to a friend of mine. They're not dried so I couldn't sell them for extra $$, and not mature enough to pull a price above low-grade, even though they're imported seeds. Another month and they'd be worth about 400$/ounce, I had 3 three-foot-tall plants budding.
Sam's daughter is here for a visit. She just turned 18, and it's the first time Sam has seen her in 6 years.
Sam's still in jail, 'cause we're 50$ away from bailing her out, too.
So...The only way for Eben to still get to work is on Sam's scooter, which, thank God, she left the keys too. Earlier this morning we were joking around about him getting pulled over on this little moped...
I finally get some sleep, and wake up to the phone ringing.
"Remember how we were joking about me getting pulled over? Yeah, well...I'm down on the corner of MXR and waters...Yeah...Just got pulled over...Apparently you need a motorcycle license to drive this thing...(Scooter shop said you didn't because it doesn't go over 40 MPH...)
We've not been able to afford much food here recently, since I lost my job. I can't get on food stamps because I don't have a birth certificate and all this post-9-11 big-brother bullshit. Anyway, my hair is falling out in clumps (I seriously dread taking a shower, because I'm developing actual bald spots from lack of protien and at least a good handful of hair falls out each time I shower...) On top of that, I've redeveloped my neuropathy because of malnutrition. I've got that waddling, "Duck gait" and pain in my legs. I can barely stand again, and am lucky to walk to the bathroom when I need to.
So, now my roommate is in jail and I'm taking care of her daughter, I have no car, my hubby can't get to work on the scooter, no food in the house, malnutrition, whiplash or something equally fucked-up with my neck.
Oh, yeah. And my grandma died Dec. 5th.
I don't expect alot for Christmas, I learned early on that few people will remember me and I take my pleasure from getting gifts from others. Kinda like, if I'm not getting anything, I at least want to give someone else what I'm lacking.
I want a puppy. Every year since I was about 5 years old, I've wanted a puppy for Christmas. I've had dogs and puppies over the years, but I don't now and this is the first time that I've not had canine companionship. I seem to be unable to get pregnant at the moment, I feel left out and ignored ALOT in my life, all I want is a dog that will give me attention. The cats pay attention to me every now and then, but it's not the same.
It doesn't have to be anything more than a free dog or puppy from the paper. I just want the person that I love to give it to me as a gift. Nobody has ever been willing to before.
Judging by my husbands feverent opposition to the idea I doubt it's going to happen this year. If it doesn't, there is going to be something that snaps inside of me. I don't know what, but there's a piece of my heart hanging on by a thread right now and that will be enough to sever it the rest of the way. I'll keep hoping and praying, though. I could always be surprised.
Every year Christmas gets worse and worse. If I die when I'm 36 of lung cancer like was predicted, I'll bet it'll be on Christmas day.
Adult Christmas Songs :D
Posted 19 years agoOkay, I did a quickie perverted Christmas album called "Merry XXX-Mas". I have three of the original songs up on MySpace (as well as Frosty the Pervert, made famous by Bob Rivers...)
Check it out if you want a laugh. :D
http://www.myspace.com/sabbyprentzler
Check it out if you want a laugh. :D
http://www.myspace.com/sabbyprentzler
Woah, Soprano...
Posted 19 years agoI've been sick again this week - Sinusitis ad Bronchitis, what lovely fun! Anyway, yesterday I wanted to sing, but nothing stressful for my voice because I don't want to damage it. So I did something a little, err, smoother sounding.
Anyway, I'm thoroughly surprised that my range jumped up that high so quickly after being sick (Hell, Im still running around snifflin' and sounding like I've smoked for 20 years ((as opposed to 10 :P)))
http://www.bix.com/entry/19558
Anyway, I'm thoroughly surprised that my range jumped up that high so quickly after being sick (Hell, Im still running around snifflin' and sounding like I've smoked for 20 years ((as opposed to 10 :P)))
http://www.bix.com/entry/19558
What drama? D:
Posted 19 years agoCan someone clue me in, 'cuz I'm obviously oblivious....
Happy Halloweeeeeeeeeeeen! *snickers*
Posted 19 years ago"Life is like trick-or-treating in the ghetto...You never know when you're gonna get a needle in your candy bag."
~Sabby Prentzler
What are your favorite dirty jokes?
I just read this one today. Figured I'd share.
There was a gorilla sitting in a tree by a river, when a lion came by for a cool drink. The gorilla thought to himself, "How funny would it be to screw the king of the jungle in the ass?"
After a moment or two, the gorilla swung into action. He grabbed the lion and started pumping away.
The lion freaked of course, and jumped into the river. The lion came out of the water, roaring, he was really upset. The gorilla decided that it was a good time to be somewhere else, and took off running. The gorilla knew he had to think of something quick because he wasn't going to outrun the lion.
Just then the gorilla saw a hunter's tent and ducked inside to hide.
The hunter, reading the paper, was startled and ran out of the tent. The gorilla decided to pretend to be the hunter, he put on the hunter's shirt and hat, and started to read the paper.
A few minutes later, the lion ran in and thinking it was the hunter reading the paper, said, "Hey Buddy, did you see a gorilla run in here?"
From behind the paper The gorilla answered, "You mean the one that screwed the lion in the ass?"
Flabergasted, the lion said, "Holy Shit! It's in the paper already?"
~Sabby Prentzler
What are your favorite dirty jokes?
I just read this one today. Figured I'd share.
There was a gorilla sitting in a tree by a river, when a lion came by for a cool drink. The gorilla thought to himself, "How funny would it be to screw the king of the jungle in the ass?"
After a moment or two, the gorilla swung into action. He grabbed the lion and started pumping away.
The lion freaked of course, and jumped into the river. The lion came out of the water, roaring, he was really upset. The gorilla decided that it was a good time to be somewhere else, and took off running. The gorilla knew he had to think of something quick because he wasn't going to outrun the lion.
Just then the gorilla saw a hunter's tent and ducked inside to hide.
The hunter, reading the paper, was startled and ran out of the tent. The gorilla decided to pretend to be the hunter, he put on the hunter's shirt and hat, and started to read the paper.
A few minutes later, the lion ran in and thinking it was the hunter reading the paper, said, "Hey Buddy, did you see a gorilla run in here?"
From behind the paper The gorilla answered, "You mean the one that screwed the lion in the ass?"
Flabergasted, the lion said, "Holy Shit! It's in the paper already?"
I Made a Telemarketer's Day
Posted 19 years ago*Phone rings*
Me: Hello?
Him:Hi, I'm (whatever he said) and I'm looking for the owner of (Website I
run).
Me: Mmm...hmm...(Telemarketers are fun to play with. I used to be one
myself!)
Him: Im with (hosting & web design company) and-
Me: *cuts him off* Sorry, I have hosting and do my own design.
Him: Well, we can offer you GUARANTEED traffic.
Me: I don't need traffic, the link is by invitation only. It's a marijuana
paraphernalia website.
Him: *Cracks up* Okay, sorry! Never mind then!
Me: *laughs* at least I'm honest!
Him: I'll, uh, check that out later. God I hope my boss isn't listening!
*still laughing* I'm just kidding in case he is! Please don't drug test me...
Me: *cracks up*
Him: Been nice talking to you! First good laugh I've had all day.
Me: I telemarketed off and on for years...They'll be more, trust me.
Him: Have a nice day!
Me: Hello?
Him:Hi, I'm (whatever he said) and I'm looking for the owner of (Website I
run).
Me: Mmm...hmm...(Telemarketers are fun to play with. I used to be one
myself!)
Him: Im with (hosting & web design company) and-
Me: *cuts him off* Sorry, I have hosting and do my own design.
Him: Well, we can offer you GUARANTEED traffic.
Me: I don't need traffic, the link is by invitation only. It's a marijuana
paraphernalia website.
Him: *Cracks up* Okay, sorry! Never mind then!
Me: *laughs* at least I'm honest!
Him: I'll, uh, check that out later. God I hope my boss isn't listening!
*still laughing* I'm just kidding in case he is! Please don't drug test me...
Me: *cracks up*
Him: Been nice talking to you! First good laugh I've had all day.
Me: I telemarketed off and on for years...They'll be more, trust me.
Him: Have a nice day!
Nothing that Coincides is ever coincidental...
Posted 19 years agoI'm pissed.
I'm fucking starving, and just woke up for the night. I have no money and no food. I will continue to have no food until tomorrow, because all I want is some goddamned Jalepeno's Guadalahara Steak strips. Which I was supposed to have when I woke up, but they FORGOT THE GODDAMNED CHEESE SAUCE. I can't eat it without extra cheese sauce, it doesn't taste right.
It was either smash the food into the wall or destroy something more valuable. I chose the lesser of two evils.
I couldn't go get a refund or more food in time because Eben went to Steeds. See, I THOUGHT he was going to drop Sam off, do a QUICK song and then get the food before coming home, which would have meant he'd be home by ten, but NO. I end up having to CALL because there is also nothing to drink and rush him to even leave the fuckin' bar.
And my surgery makes it where I can't really drink anything unless I'm eating at the same time, which is why there are usually soda cans strewn about the house with only a drink or two gone from them. (I also can't drink flat soda.)
I'm fucked for the night. Plain and simple.
To top it off, I can't get ahold of my friend. I'm out of green, and I would kill for a couple of rolls right now, because that's probably the only thing that will take away the acidic feeling of bile slowly destroying the lining of my stomach. If it's strong enough to break down food, imagine what it does to my innards.
Days like today I feel like saying "Anyone have a gun? I wanna shoot myself in the head!"
I need to put the laptop down now before I throw it against the wall, too.
I'm fucking starving, and just woke up for the night. I have no money and no food. I will continue to have no food until tomorrow, because all I want is some goddamned Jalepeno's Guadalahara Steak strips. Which I was supposed to have when I woke up, but they FORGOT THE GODDAMNED CHEESE SAUCE. I can't eat it without extra cheese sauce, it doesn't taste right.
It was either smash the food into the wall or destroy something more valuable. I chose the lesser of two evils.
I couldn't go get a refund or more food in time because Eben went to Steeds. See, I THOUGHT he was going to drop Sam off, do a QUICK song and then get the food before coming home, which would have meant he'd be home by ten, but NO. I end up having to CALL because there is also nothing to drink and rush him to even leave the fuckin' bar.
And my surgery makes it where I can't really drink anything unless I'm eating at the same time, which is why there are usually soda cans strewn about the house with only a drink or two gone from them. (I also can't drink flat soda.)
I'm fucked for the night. Plain and simple.
To top it off, I can't get ahold of my friend. I'm out of green, and I would kill for a couple of rolls right now, because that's probably the only thing that will take away the acidic feeling of bile slowly destroying the lining of my stomach. If it's strong enough to break down food, imagine what it does to my innards.
Days like today I feel like saying "Anyone have a gun? I wanna shoot myself in the head!"
I need to put the laptop down now before I throw it against the wall, too.
Frustrated
Posted 19 years agoI appologize to anyone I owe commissions to. I'm not the type of person to just disappear, so I want everyone to know that I AM still around. I'm having some issues (what's new?) but will get around to them eventually. It's been one thing after another recently.
I'm frustrated. I can't really say why (there are multiple reasons), but I'm frustrated right now.
Tonight there's a football game less than a mile from me. I spent two hours driving ONE FUCKIN' MILE to get Eben some dinner. Which means I couldn't go to the restaurant I wanted to go to, and now I cant eat until I get off of work at 3 AM. I wish I at least had a drop or something to take away my appetite...I hate the physical feeling of being hungry. I get bile in my throat and am generally miserable until I eat.
I'm out of green, too.
My money from work tonight has to buy #@$T(&%king tags for the car next week, so I really don't plan on having much of a good weekend.
I just need to pull myself together for tonight. After that, the rest of the fucking week won't matter much.
Stupid mixed episodes...One minute I feel fine, the next I feel like this.
I'm frustrated. I can't really say why (there are multiple reasons), but I'm frustrated right now.
Tonight there's a football game less than a mile from me. I spent two hours driving ONE FUCKIN' MILE to get Eben some dinner. Which means I couldn't go to the restaurant I wanted to go to, and now I cant eat until I get off of work at 3 AM. I wish I at least had a drop or something to take away my appetite...I hate the physical feeling of being hungry. I get bile in my throat and am generally miserable until I eat.
I'm out of green, too.
My money from work tonight has to buy #@$T(&%king tags for the car next week, so I really don't plan on having much of a good weekend.
I just need to pull myself together for tonight. After that, the rest of the fucking week won't matter much.
Stupid mixed episodes...One minute I feel fine, the next I feel like this.
Phew...
Posted 19 years agoThe working world is great!
I've spent most of my life without a "regular" job thanks to my Bipolar disorder...I've been legally disabled for almost four years now, crazy check and all.
It feels GOOD to find something that I can do! I'm dog-tired from being on my feet all night, but I made some cash and some tips and am sealing the deal for a permanent gig. I love working at Cappy's.
The bar I work at has a reputation here in Savannah for being the place to go to get drunk and fight. The fact that someone got maced at my wedding reception is proof of that. But luckily nobody keeled over on my karaoke shift...heheh. The night was slow at first, which gave me time to work with Mike and learn a few tricks of the trade (I.e., how to make bad singers sound good!) before he left and turned everything over to me. I'm getting the hang of this Karaoke DJ gig...I have a 'lil system worked out and I get a shitload of compliments.
Mike, whom is one of my bosses (gotta love starting out! Everyone's my boss! but he actually owns it so I guess he's the BIG boss...) said that I sound about 95% like a professional singer. It was one hell of a compliment, I think, because I wasn't asking for critique and I got it from someone who has been in the biz for years.
I don't want to sound childish. I've tried to let go of the childish things in my life...But if I could make a living singing, I'd definately be one happy siamese fox :D
I've spent most of my life without a "regular" job thanks to my Bipolar disorder...I've been legally disabled for almost four years now, crazy check and all.
It feels GOOD to find something that I can do! I'm dog-tired from being on my feet all night, but I made some cash and some tips and am sealing the deal for a permanent gig. I love working at Cappy's.
The bar I work at has a reputation here in Savannah for being the place to go to get drunk and fight. The fact that someone got maced at my wedding reception is proof of that. But luckily nobody keeled over on my karaoke shift...heheh. The night was slow at first, which gave me time to work with Mike and learn a few tricks of the trade (I.e., how to make bad singers sound good!) before he left and turned everything over to me. I'm getting the hang of this Karaoke DJ gig...I have a 'lil system worked out and I get a shitload of compliments.
Mike, whom is one of my bosses (gotta love starting out! Everyone's my boss! but he actually owns it so I guess he's the BIG boss...) said that I sound about 95% like a professional singer. It was one hell of a compliment, I think, because I wasn't asking for critique and I got it from someone who has been in the biz for years.
I don't want to sound childish. I've tried to let go of the childish things in my life...But if I could make a living singing, I'd definately be one happy siamese fox :D
New PC
Posted 19 years agoJust bought a new PC. Eben and I have been doing commissions for two months now to save up, but crap kept hitting the fan and we spent more money than we saved (but that's life, isn't it?).
But today, thanks to Greg :awash2002: we finally afforded it! I want to give special thanks to him, because his commissions paid for the PC and most of my bills this month...LOL!
Anyway, this is what we bought: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dl.....%3AIT&rd=1
But today, thanks to Greg :awash2002: we finally afforded it! I want to give special thanks to him, because his commissions paid for the PC and most of my bills this month...LOL!
Anyway, this is what we bought: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dl.....%3AIT&rd=1
Busy Week...
Posted 19 years agoOh wow...The past week has been a trip (Quite literally!)
It started out on Thursday. Now, I'd been out to 4 in the morning doing...stuff. So, I let the guys take the car to work at 5:30 and turned the phone off so I could get a nice sleep in.
At some point during my slumber someone knocked on my door for five minutes. I disreguarded/slept through, thinking that it was just another one of the crackheads in the area.
So, I wake up at about 3:30 and the guys get home at 4. I barely have time to kiss Eben hello when the knock at the door came again -
*knock* *knock* *knock*
I look at Eben and say "Don't answer it".
I never answer my door. Unless you call to tell me you're coming over, chances are you'll be ignored.
But our roommate, Deon, opens the door. Eben went out to see who it was, then came back to the bedroom-
"They're here to take you back to Tennessee."
"What? Who?" (Thinking: Oh fuck, I'm going to jail...)
"The bail bonds people. There here."
"Oh God, don't let them take me!" I started to panic. Great way to start the day.
So, I'm scrambling to put my clothes on. I tell Eben to pawn the laptop for gas money and follow them up, I can't be left up there alone, I know noone in TeNN anymore. And I hate jail. I really, really hate jail.
See, I've only been able to be bailed out once, right after the first of the month so I had the 137$ on me. It was for a DUI when I had the flu. They thought I was drunk, so I had them give me a blood test. I was told the case was dropped before my court date.
But, for some reason, it wasn't completely out of the system, and that's why the bonds people were there.
I asked them if they could wait long enough for Eben to take the laptop to pawn and follow us up, because he's from South Africa, we've only been married two weeks and he's not used to traveling here in the states yet. Luke said "well, I'll pay for the trip and just hold the laptop for you."
That works! So Eben hops in the car and follows us up towards TN. We stopped not too long after getting on the interstate for some lunch. I'm a friendly person, even to people who are holding me captive, so I'd chatted with the couple the whole way. They uncuffed me and didn't bother cuffing me again, I usually have an air of "goody-goody" in front of official people that most folks find very reassuring.
Eben pulls up beside us and we get out. I grab ahold of him and just cling for dear life, scared to death that he's going to be EXTREMELY pissed off at me. He was having to miss work until Tuesday with no notice as well as drop everything and follow his wife to bail her out of jail in Tennessee...
"I'm so sorry about this," I told him.
"You know I'd go to hell and back for you, baby." Then he leaned over and kissed me.
Eben has a way of always reassuring me that I am loved. He loves me more than anyone ever has in my lifetime. He's more patient than any one person should ever have to be.
And he's a hopeless romantic. SCORE!
We get where we're going at about 1 AM. After talking with the bailers for the whole trip, they didn't see me as a threat and didn't even take me to jail. Instead, he paid for a motel for Eben and I and we could just pay him back before we left.
We get there, have a nice sleep, then wake up the next day.
I go to the courthouse at another county and sign to recieve a copy of my divorce and custody. I call Josh up, and after 15 minutes of arguing and crying my eyes out we agree to go out to eat with them so I can see my son and Eben can finally meet his stepson.
Dinner with my husband and my ex husband and his family was going to be insane, I knew. I blazed a bowl of green courage and looked at Eben - "I have this sinking pit of dread in my stomach." I explain what I mean by that, then get out at Ruby Tuesday.
Everyone was on their best behaviour. It was great seeing everyone again. In a way I do miss that family. You can't be a part of a family for three years (nomatter how disfunctional) and not have some sort of connection to them. People are rarely ever all bad. I was glad to see that Josh's parents and sister were doing well. Susie will always be my sister, nomatter what happened between Josh and I.
After lunch, Eben and I go out to sing Karaoke as we often do.
At about 9 PM we decide to head on up towards KY to my Aunt Trula's house. Before leaving Knoxville, Eben starts "aggrevating" me. I always threaten to pull over, this time I did. >;D
We get into my Aunt's house pretty late, and she tells me that dad had left the key to his trailer. Instantly, I wonder who she spoke to and what they did with my REAL dad, who is a notorious asshole that taught me to be the way I am...
During the trip, Eben got to meet the side of my family that I usually don't show to people, as well as the place where I grew up. He got to meet my cousin/one of my best friends, and my best friend growing up that is like a sister to me. To the point where, to this day, I still call her mom "Mom". (her mom and my dad actually had a 'lil thang going on, but her mom wouldn't take my dad's crap. And she fought with him constantly over the way he treated me...She claims me as a daughter, even now. They're more family than most of my REAL family is, and Faye practically raised me...)
My dad really likes Eben. He told him that he was the best thing that ever happened to me, and that my husband had done what he'd tried to do for 23 years.
When my dad started to talk about how bad I was, Eben stood up for me and told him otherwise. Nobody I'd ever been with had ever stood up to my dad on my behalf before, and my dad respected Eben for doing it. In fact, he shook his hand and said "Welcome to the family, Son".
I went to court yesterday where everything was, again, officially, dropped, then headed home. Got lots of suveniers along the way, as well as got to meet one of Eben's friends. We played putt-putt golf, and for the first time ever, I beat Eben at a sport :D *gloat*
We had a good trip, all in all. It was our mini-honeymoon, I guess you could say.
It started out on Thursday. Now, I'd been out to 4 in the morning doing...stuff. So, I let the guys take the car to work at 5:30 and turned the phone off so I could get a nice sleep in.
At some point during my slumber someone knocked on my door for five minutes. I disreguarded/slept through, thinking that it was just another one of the crackheads in the area.
So, I wake up at about 3:30 and the guys get home at 4. I barely have time to kiss Eben hello when the knock at the door came again -
*knock* *knock* *knock*
I look at Eben and say "Don't answer it".
I never answer my door. Unless you call to tell me you're coming over, chances are you'll be ignored.
But our roommate, Deon, opens the door. Eben went out to see who it was, then came back to the bedroom-
"They're here to take you back to Tennessee."
"What? Who?" (Thinking: Oh fuck, I'm going to jail...)
"The bail bonds people. There here."
"Oh God, don't let them take me!" I started to panic. Great way to start the day.
So, I'm scrambling to put my clothes on. I tell Eben to pawn the laptop for gas money and follow them up, I can't be left up there alone, I know noone in TeNN anymore. And I hate jail. I really, really hate jail.
See, I've only been able to be bailed out once, right after the first of the month so I had the 137$ on me. It was for a DUI when I had the flu. They thought I was drunk, so I had them give me a blood test. I was told the case was dropped before my court date.
But, for some reason, it wasn't completely out of the system, and that's why the bonds people were there.
I asked them if they could wait long enough for Eben to take the laptop to pawn and follow us up, because he's from South Africa, we've only been married two weeks and he's not used to traveling here in the states yet. Luke said "well, I'll pay for the trip and just hold the laptop for you."
That works! So Eben hops in the car and follows us up towards TN. We stopped not too long after getting on the interstate for some lunch. I'm a friendly person, even to people who are holding me captive, so I'd chatted with the couple the whole way. They uncuffed me and didn't bother cuffing me again, I usually have an air of "goody-goody" in front of official people that most folks find very reassuring.
Eben pulls up beside us and we get out. I grab ahold of him and just cling for dear life, scared to death that he's going to be EXTREMELY pissed off at me. He was having to miss work until Tuesday with no notice as well as drop everything and follow his wife to bail her out of jail in Tennessee...
"I'm so sorry about this," I told him.
"You know I'd go to hell and back for you, baby." Then he leaned over and kissed me.
Eben has a way of always reassuring me that I am loved. He loves me more than anyone ever has in my lifetime. He's more patient than any one person should ever have to be.
And he's a hopeless romantic. SCORE!
We get where we're going at about 1 AM. After talking with the bailers for the whole trip, they didn't see me as a threat and didn't even take me to jail. Instead, he paid for a motel for Eben and I and we could just pay him back before we left.
We get there, have a nice sleep, then wake up the next day.
I go to the courthouse at another county and sign to recieve a copy of my divorce and custody. I call Josh up, and after 15 minutes of arguing and crying my eyes out we agree to go out to eat with them so I can see my son and Eben can finally meet his stepson.
Dinner with my husband and my ex husband and his family was going to be insane, I knew. I blazed a bowl of green courage and looked at Eben - "I have this sinking pit of dread in my stomach." I explain what I mean by that, then get out at Ruby Tuesday.
Everyone was on their best behaviour. It was great seeing everyone again. In a way I do miss that family. You can't be a part of a family for three years (nomatter how disfunctional) and not have some sort of connection to them. People are rarely ever all bad. I was glad to see that Josh's parents and sister were doing well. Susie will always be my sister, nomatter what happened between Josh and I.
After lunch, Eben and I go out to sing Karaoke as we often do.
At about 9 PM we decide to head on up towards KY to my Aunt Trula's house. Before leaving Knoxville, Eben starts "aggrevating" me. I always threaten to pull over, this time I did. >;D
We get into my Aunt's house pretty late, and she tells me that dad had left the key to his trailer. Instantly, I wonder who she spoke to and what they did with my REAL dad, who is a notorious asshole that taught me to be the way I am...
During the trip, Eben got to meet the side of my family that I usually don't show to people, as well as the place where I grew up. He got to meet my cousin/one of my best friends, and my best friend growing up that is like a sister to me. To the point where, to this day, I still call her mom "Mom". (her mom and my dad actually had a 'lil thang going on, but her mom wouldn't take my dad's crap. And she fought with him constantly over the way he treated me...She claims me as a daughter, even now. They're more family than most of my REAL family is, and Faye practically raised me...)
My dad really likes Eben. He told him that he was the best thing that ever happened to me, and that my husband had done what he'd tried to do for 23 years.
When my dad started to talk about how bad I was, Eben stood up for me and told him otherwise. Nobody I'd ever been with had ever stood up to my dad on my behalf before, and my dad respected Eben for doing it. In fact, he shook his hand and said "Welcome to the family, Son".
I went to court yesterday where everything was, again, officially, dropped, then headed home. Got lots of suveniers along the way, as well as got to meet one of Eben's friends. We played putt-putt golf, and for the first time ever, I beat Eben at a sport :D *gloat*
We had a good trip, all in all. It was our mini-honeymoon, I guess you could say.
^%^%(* ...........-.-
Posted 19 years agoI've slept about four hours in the last 48. I've had enough coffee to satiate a caffine addict for weeks. Realized that I was ballsy enough to go shroom hunting at night (though I'm going to go ask for permission tomorrow...)...Realized I had the balls to ask for permission...
Not been eating as much.
Been slightly reckless with money.
A little messier than usual.
And then it hit me.
Ah, fuck. I'm manic again. It's been awhile...
It's actually more of a hypomania than a pure mania, but I guess I should probably pop some Trileptal or something.
I need my medical card to come soon. For the past four months I've had bad girl-cramps ALL month. I went to the ER last month and they said it was probably a cyst and would go away.
But, sure enough, this month rolls around and it's the same deal.
Might also explain why I'm not pregnant yet.
Not been eating as much.
Been slightly reckless with money.
A little messier than usual.
And then it hit me.
Ah, fuck. I'm manic again. It's been awhile...
It's actually more of a hypomania than a pure mania, but I guess I should probably pop some Trileptal or something.
I need my medical card to come soon. For the past four months I've had bad girl-cramps ALL month. I went to the ER last month and they said it was probably a cyst and would go away.
But, sure enough, this month rolls around and it's the same deal.
Might also explain why I'm not pregnant yet.
The Perfect High
Posted 19 years agoBy Shell Silverstein
There once was a boy named Gimmesome Roy. He was nothing like me or you.
'Cause laying back and getting high was all he cared to do.
As a kid, he sat in the cellar, sniffing airplane glue.
And then he smoked bananas -- which was then the thing to do.
He tried aspirin in Coca-Cola, breathed helium on the sly,
And his life was just one endless search to find that perfect high.
But grass just made him want to lay back and eat chocolate-chip pizza all night,
And the great things he wrote while he was stoned looked like shit in the morning light.
And speed just made him rap all day, reds just laid him back,
And Cocaine Rose was sweet to his nose, but the price nearly broke his back.
He tried PCP and THC, but they didn't quite do the trick,
And poppers nearly blew his heart and mushrooms made him sick.
Acid made him see the light, but he couldn't remember it long.
And hashish was just a little too weak, and smack was a lot too strong,
And Quaaludes made him stumble, and booze just made him cry,
Till he heard of a cat named Baba Fats who knew of the perfect high.
Now, Baba Fats was a hermit cat who lived up in Nepal,
High on a craggy mountaintop, up a sheer and icy wall.
"But hell," says Roy, "I'm a healthy boy, and I'll crawl or climb or fly,
But I'll find that guru who'll give me the clue as to what's the perfect high."
So out and off goes Gimmesome Roy to the land that knows no time,
Up a trail no man could conquer to a cliff no man could climb.
For fourteen years he tries that cliff, then back down again he slides
Then sits -- and cries -- and climbs again, pursuing the perfect high.
He's grinding his teeth, he's coughing blood, he's aching and shaking and weak,
As starving and sore and bleeding and tore, he reaches the mountain peak.
And his eyes blink red like a snow-blind wolf, and he snarls the snarl of a rat,
As there in perfect repose and wearing no clothes -- sits the godlike Baba Fats.
"What's happening, Fats?" says Roy with joy, "I've come to state my biz.
I hear you're hip to the perfect trip. Please tell me what it is.
For you can see," says Roy to he, "that I'm about to die,
So for my last ride, Fats, how can I achieve the perfect high?"
"Well, dog my cats!" says Baba Fats. "here's one more burnt-out soul,
Who's looking for some alchemist to turn his trip to gold.
But you won't find it in no dealer's stash, or on no druggist's shelf.
Son, if you would seek the perfect high -- find it in yourself."
"Why, you jive motherfucker!" screamed Gimmesome Roy, "I've climbed through rain and sleet,
I've lost three fingers off my hands and four toes off my feet!
I've braved the lair of the polar bear and tasted the maggot's kiss.
Now, you tell me the high is in myself. What kind of shit is this?
My ears 'fore they froze off," says Roy, "had heard all kind of crap,
But I didn't climb for fourteen years to listen to that sophomore rap.
And I didn't crawl up here to hear that the high is on the natch,
So you tell me where the real stuff is or I'll kill your guru ass!"
"Ok, OK," says Baba Fats, "you're forcing it out of me.
There is a land beyond the sun that's known as Zaboli.
A wretched land of stone and sand where snakes and buzzards scream,
And in this devil's garden blooms the mystic Tzu-Tzu tree.
And every ten years it blooms one flower as white as the Key West sky,
And he who eats of the Tzu-Tzu flower will know the perfect high.
For the rush comes on like a tidal wave and it hits like the blazing sun.
And the high, it lasts a lifetime and the down don't ever come.
But the Zaboli land is ruled by a giant who stands twelve cubits high.
With eyes of red in his hundred heads, he waits for the passers-by.
And you must slay the red-eyed giant, and swim the River of Slime,
Where the mucous beasts, they wait to feast on those who journey by.
And if you survive the giant and the beasts and swim that slimy sea,
There's a blood-drinking witch who sharpens her teeth as she guards that Tzu-Tzu tree."
"To hell with your witches and giants," laughs Roy. "To hell with the beasts of the sea.
As long as the Tzu-Tzu flower blooms, some hope still blooms for me."
And with tears of joy in his snow-blind eye, Roy hands the guru a five,
Then back down the icy mountain he crawls, pursuing that perfect high.
"Well, that is that," says Baba Fats, sitting back down on his stone,
Facing another thousand years of talking to God alone.
"It seems, Lord", says Fats, "it's always the same, old men or bright-eyed youth,
It's always easier to sell them some shit than it is to give them the truth.
There once was a boy named Gimmesome Roy. He was nothing like me or you.
'Cause laying back and getting high was all he cared to do.
As a kid, he sat in the cellar, sniffing airplane glue.
And then he smoked bananas -- which was then the thing to do.
He tried aspirin in Coca-Cola, breathed helium on the sly,
And his life was just one endless search to find that perfect high.
But grass just made him want to lay back and eat chocolate-chip pizza all night,
And the great things he wrote while he was stoned looked like shit in the morning light.
And speed just made him rap all day, reds just laid him back,
And Cocaine Rose was sweet to his nose, but the price nearly broke his back.
He tried PCP and THC, but they didn't quite do the trick,
And poppers nearly blew his heart and mushrooms made him sick.
Acid made him see the light, but he couldn't remember it long.
And hashish was just a little too weak, and smack was a lot too strong,
And Quaaludes made him stumble, and booze just made him cry,
Till he heard of a cat named Baba Fats who knew of the perfect high.
Now, Baba Fats was a hermit cat who lived up in Nepal,
High on a craggy mountaintop, up a sheer and icy wall.
"But hell," says Roy, "I'm a healthy boy, and I'll crawl or climb or fly,
But I'll find that guru who'll give me the clue as to what's the perfect high."
So out and off goes Gimmesome Roy to the land that knows no time,
Up a trail no man could conquer to a cliff no man could climb.
For fourteen years he tries that cliff, then back down again he slides
Then sits -- and cries -- and climbs again, pursuing the perfect high.
He's grinding his teeth, he's coughing blood, he's aching and shaking and weak,
As starving and sore and bleeding and tore, he reaches the mountain peak.
And his eyes blink red like a snow-blind wolf, and he snarls the snarl of a rat,
As there in perfect repose and wearing no clothes -- sits the godlike Baba Fats.
"What's happening, Fats?" says Roy with joy, "I've come to state my biz.
I hear you're hip to the perfect trip. Please tell me what it is.
For you can see," says Roy to he, "that I'm about to die,
So for my last ride, Fats, how can I achieve the perfect high?"
"Well, dog my cats!" says Baba Fats. "here's one more burnt-out soul,
Who's looking for some alchemist to turn his trip to gold.
But you won't find it in no dealer's stash, or on no druggist's shelf.
Son, if you would seek the perfect high -- find it in yourself."
"Why, you jive motherfucker!" screamed Gimmesome Roy, "I've climbed through rain and sleet,
I've lost three fingers off my hands and four toes off my feet!
I've braved the lair of the polar bear and tasted the maggot's kiss.
Now, you tell me the high is in myself. What kind of shit is this?
My ears 'fore they froze off," says Roy, "had heard all kind of crap,
But I didn't climb for fourteen years to listen to that sophomore rap.
And I didn't crawl up here to hear that the high is on the natch,
So you tell me where the real stuff is or I'll kill your guru ass!"
"Ok, OK," says Baba Fats, "you're forcing it out of me.
There is a land beyond the sun that's known as Zaboli.
A wretched land of stone and sand where snakes and buzzards scream,
And in this devil's garden blooms the mystic Tzu-Tzu tree.
And every ten years it blooms one flower as white as the Key West sky,
And he who eats of the Tzu-Tzu flower will know the perfect high.
For the rush comes on like a tidal wave and it hits like the blazing sun.
And the high, it lasts a lifetime and the down don't ever come.
But the Zaboli land is ruled by a giant who stands twelve cubits high.
With eyes of red in his hundred heads, he waits for the passers-by.
And you must slay the red-eyed giant, and swim the River of Slime,
Where the mucous beasts, they wait to feast on those who journey by.
And if you survive the giant and the beasts and swim that slimy sea,
There's a blood-drinking witch who sharpens her teeth as she guards that Tzu-Tzu tree."
"To hell with your witches and giants," laughs Roy. "To hell with the beasts of the sea.
As long as the Tzu-Tzu flower blooms, some hope still blooms for me."
And with tears of joy in his snow-blind eye, Roy hands the guru a five,
Then back down the icy mountain he crawls, pursuing that perfect high.
"Well, that is that," says Baba Fats, sitting back down on his stone,
Facing another thousand years of talking to God alone.
"It seems, Lord", says Fats, "it's always the same, old men or bright-eyed youth,
It's always easier to sell them some shit than it is to give them the truth.
