Y’all ever feel practically worthless? Like everything you’ll ever do is kinda for nothing? That no one would ever miss you?

2019 has been an incredibly rough year for me. I’ve lost….a lot. I’ve lost friends near and dear to me. I’ve lost the respect and goodwill of people I’ve admired. I even lost my grand-father this year. I made an attempt on my life, thinking it was over, because I truly felt hopeless. And for a long while, it was. Even after surviving the attempt, there was a lot of damage done to the relationships I’ve made. Most of them, irreparable.

But that’s why I’m so god damn thankful for the friends I have left. They have been literal angels for supporting me through this really harsh time. I haven’t been the easiest to deal with while I recover. I often do relapse into negative moments when things kinda…trigger and provoke a few reminders. So it means even more to me that y’all have stuck by me.

I know I screw up sometimes and I’m not the best person to be around with all the time. But honestly, without the honest love and support, I probably wouldn’t be here. So I’m eternally grateful for all you guys in my life. No words can express the genuine gratitude I have for you all. Thanks for making 2019 bearable and hopefully 2020 is a really great year for everyone of us.

Oh gee wow! I didn't expect 30 followers, especially from friends and artists I support and watched for a real long time! Thanks everyone, I'm really truly honored and blessed to know all of ya!

So maybe I’m still hung over, and maybe I still have a lot of pent up emotions and I feel bad to constantly clogging up the vent channel but, if I don’t say anything now, it’s just gonna bottle up and lead to further self-destruction down the line.

I honestly feel like I don’t have anyone. Like, I’m extremely alone. And I really don’t want to take all you guys for granted because well, I am fortunate enough to call you all friends, but at the end of the day, when I log off the computer screen, when I shut down discord and step away from social media, I have nothing and no one. But I suppose that’s not…entirely to blame on everyone else. I’m just a person who tends to push away people, intentionally or not. And I feel like I’m more an annoyance, trying to force his way into something where he doesn’t belong in the first place.

And I do want to get better, because I hate feeling so desperate and weak. But things haven’t been exactly panning out. I haven’t seen my therapist in two months due to constantly rescheduling my appointment due to my work schedule and my meds have run out and my insurance company won’t refill them until like 2 weeks. So the options that have been helping me are kinda out of my hands for the moment and I’m feeling like I’m slipping again.

Part of me really wants to tell you all to forget about me. To stop caring, that I’m not worth the effort. But another part of me really doesn’t want all your kind efforts and support to go to waste. As stated, I’m incredibly fortunate enough to get to call you all my friends and companions. And it’s been absolutely amazing getting to artists I’d admired for a long time and getting to talk to them and meeting new artists and falling in love with their styles, but my mind’s been so burnt out. I haven’t had decent enough motivation to start things and when I do, I scrap them because I’m not satisfied where the idea was going.

I’m sorry you all had to listen to me rant and bitch and moan again, just my mind’s in a rocky place and I don’t know if it’s gonna get better.