Still pretty bleh about trans things, although got it bottled back up in that usually quite well contained bit of my brain.

Most excited about banquet tomorrow. Do English Civil War reenactment, and the regiment I'm in are having their yearly banquet, which is always the most awesome fun. Sword fighting, cider farms, muskets and socialising, all the good things! And I'm being trusted (again!) to drive the minibus, which is fantastic. I love long journeys (I'm reckoning about 5 or 6 hours to get there) and the minibus is added fun because I have more of my friends with me!

Have to admit, I'm a little worried because I've just come out to the regiment and it will be the first time of me presenting as fully male around everyone, hopefully that'll be okay. Also there are a couple of people going that loathe me for no good reason and I'm just hoping they don't want to try and cause any arguments. Trying not to let it bother me though, what will be will be, and there's no use wool gathering and getting anxious until something has happened. Of course, having anxiety that can sometimes slip my mind!

But anyway, can't wait!  rusregnum and  jellyhair are going as well, squee!

Absolutely exhausted but just think I'll sleep better if I get stuff off my chest, even if it's typing in a journal.

I absolutely loathe being trans. I wish I was cisgendered, either gender, because then I would have so much less shit to deal with. I hate looking in the mirror, it confuses me every time to see the wrong thing staring back at me, I utterly despise my chest, it's the worst thing about it. I'm sick of getting terrified that every time I go out and try to pass that someone is going to call me out, or misgender me, and I'm so paranoid that people are just laughing at me behind my back that I'm struggling to build any new friendships with people. I can barely hold a conversation with people I don't know, constantly trying to keep my voice low, my shoulders hunched, waiting to slip up and have the ever the same awkward conversation.

I wish my parents weren't so ignorant, I wish they would just open up and listen to their only child, that I'm screaming inside, that they are literally ruining my life by being this way. I wish I wasn't such a coward and could try again to discuss my situation with them. But I know they will never accept it, and I know that the utter fucking torment that came from telling them last time will just happen again. I wish I wasn't so weak and could stand up for myself. I wish they would just listen, just for 5 minutes and maybe they would hear me.

I don't know how much longer I can keep going like this. I'm getting to the point where I feel like I will die without T, that I will just cease to exist. I can feel the time coming in which I'm going to have to do something and I'm so scared. People tell me I'm brave for what I am, but I'm not otherwise I would already be transitioning. There needs to be a change, somehow.

I don't really expect anyone to read this, it's just feelings coming out, not being held in by being awake now. I

 bakachaii is doing a free fursuit head raffle! You've got till the 14th November, check it out!

http://www.furaffinity.net/full/14810895/

Mega ugh, I think my body is trying to cause me pain and distress in every way possible now. Stomach bug goes away, flu gets worse and now I have an ear infection and my ear drum burst over night. Woo hoo! To be honest, at this stage I'd rather be euthanized.

Anyway, enough about me being grumpy and sick.  Xolani has made a fantastic survey about safe sex and furry conventions. Go do it!!

I've massively learnt my lesson about not partying till late two nights in a row then going into work. So ill =/ Hopefully it'll go away when I get home to bed and get some more sleep. Another 6 hours to go...

And apparently a hurricane is going to hit Liverpool tonight, so that'll be fun... Although being stuck inside with Rus will be lovely. =3

I've finally stopped being lazy and got on a laptop to submit some stuff. Yey, no longer a completely bare profile!