I can't breathe, the world is slowly crushing me.
I stand still, let this happen,
Because my visions is oh so blurry.

My ears bleed, silence consumes me
Swallowed alive inside a fever dream
There's no hope
no way to break free
Not a goddamn thing will be saving me...

The choice is clear
Its sad to say
This world has clearly broken me.

#idontknowhowtowritemusiclolimstupidfortrying

Its one of the most difficult things that we face, but change is inevitable. One reason why we don't like change is we get comfortable where we are. We get used to our friends, our job, the place we live, and even if its not perfect we accept it because its familiar. And what happens is, because we're not willing to change Just because your blessed you where you are, Doesn't mean you can just sit back and settle there. You have to stay open to what is going on now. What worked five years ago may not work today, If you're going to be successful You have to be willing to change. Every blessing is not supposed to be permanent, Every provision is not supposed to last forever. We should constantly evaluate our friendships Who's speaking into your life? Who are you depending on? Make sure they're not dragging you down Limiting you from blossoming. Everybody is not supposed to be in our life forever If you don't get rid of the wrong friends You will never meet the right friends.

The thing in which I use to draw, aka my phone, note8 unfortunately has some screen damage due to me not able to get a case. The cracks in the screen are making my stylus to get all janky and there is a fear that I'll end up causing more cracks while using the stylus for drawing.

That being said, I have yet to find the time money or patience to attempt to get it fixed or upgraded despite having a itch to draw as of late. Hopefully I can get this issue resolved and get back into a drawing groove.

:v

Hi :v

I wasn't so stupid, useless, talentless, or worthless... im not depressed about it, these are just the cards i was dealt.

Stabby my significant other, aka my other half, aka the person of whom I love with all my heart and everything I am.... called me a WILF....

Wolf - Id - Like to Fuck.... WILF...

I'm sure she will be posting how exactly that happened because I laughed so hard my brains came loose and I cant remember how. xD

LOVE YOU BABY! x3

I started a TUMBLR!!! YAY FOR ME!!!! YAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://psychokineticderpy.tumblr.com/

my very own grimdark mlp derpy tumblr :P

Furaffinity is in reality not really a art hosting website, sure you can upload art.. however it seems to me that this is more of a social network
Rather then a place to showcase art. Okay first and for most I should state that no I'm not at all a good artist, my art is trash compared to most. My point is, I'm anti social so getting my art viewed is actually not likely compared to others who have friends and go out of the way to make more friends.

That being said I'm not really complaining, I've become very detached and in doing so not a god damn thing effects me.

hmmm.... soo its been a week since the move, I still haven't unpacked... infact ive been drawing and gaming, hmmm dunno what to prioritize... maybe drawing.... yes drawing.... I prolly should draw some sexy naked NSFW crap for all the lovely perves out there, eh... I dunno.... ive got nothing but time soo why the fuck not, guess ill start drawing some sexy shit... I dunno.... lol don't even know why I update this journal.... dunno why I keep drawing.... hmm....

anyways... back to drawing I suppose. o_o

So now I'm moving... yeup after about 18 years living in this house of mine, I'm going to be moving. hmm... o-o

not sure how to feelz about this.

I got into the pokemon go beta so that's going to consume my time :D

ill still make time for art though, not flash files just yet.

I'm going to try my hand at animating I got my hands on adorarol so I should have the patience and concentration to do so. Not making any promises though. :v

I'm getting back into flash animation again, only I'm using flash simply for animating not the actual drawing involved as I prefer autodesk sketchbook pro. I have plans, not to get everyones hopes up or anything, but I'm definatly going to get into animation.

side note, I'm going to start a youtube channel (well I have one I just need to upload vids.) this is going to happen in the near future, I need to invest in some things for instance a headset mic maybe even a webcam, however I'm going for the headset first to add commentary to vids.

somethings simplified.

going to youtube gaming art and animation.

going to upload animations to furaffinity.

things I need to do, study and research everything I need in order to do these things.

so in conclusion expect posts, however it might take some time.

I've finally figured out some nifty stuff with the art program I use, the more I use it the more I learn new things the better my coloring and shading gets.. now the biggest issue I have is shading, my brain just can't seem to wrap around the idea of it and quite personally I feel as if my shading is piss poor. That being said I seem to be drained of inspiration, my life as it is isent the best and sadly enough I don't make enough money to live on my own. Hmmm I seem to have some time on my hands and drawing is a good outlet for my frustrations also a lot of my more recent art has been drawn on my phone, funny huh? Well I've got a note4 and I couldn't be more happier with it for the fact that my favorite art program is in the andriod store, the note4s stylus is nice too pressure sensitive and drawing with it compared to my desktop tablet is like night and day. Being able to draw on something while looking at your hand motions and pencil position is sooo good, so basicly my phone is like one of those expensive screen drawing tablets from Wacom minus the hearty price tag.

I'm still not confident enough to draw comission work, as I skip sketching and draw line work from thin air ( literally all my artwork is done with line work and absolutely no sketching. ) in fact it's harder for me to sketch something then it is for me to just draw it. I honestly don't have any goals nothing to aim for, so my art may come in bulk or months apart even. Deep down I wanna be a professional artist, seems unrealistic but I can dream I suppose. Oh also my psychiatrist is amazing I'm on meds that actually help my mental issues, the burden of visual and auditory hallusinations has been cured for me thanks to my doctor.

Not entirely sure where I'm going with all this ranting but if anyone does happen to read my nonsensical paragraphs feel free to message me, or post here don't mind either way. :0

I'll start drawing again, I'm not sure. My new meds seem to be helping so I don't know for sure but I might draw again... :v

I've decided... After a long long time of fumbling stumbling and pawing my way through the darkness brought on by my worsening condition and mental illnesses and afflictions. That perhaps I'm not good enough, that even if I continuously doodled scribbled my hands to the bone, and ended up 90 years of age I'd still be the same idiot trying to improve yet getting no where... Maybe it's the manic depressant bipolar disorder speaking but I think I'm going to set the pen down, bury my artwork in a box somewhere in the attic and continue being that awkward human that can't even formulate simple conversations face to face...

As sad as I feel, things just seem to not pan out for me. I can't hold a job (which is borderline ludicrous as I put 120% into work but due to lack of persuasion or being "popular" for lack of a better term I always end up in the same position at any job i end up in, I mean why pay someone more for a position if they go out of their way to do that job anyways getting paid the same? My social skills are a joke, but not the witty fun hilarious kind, the kind of joke that's worse then a pun not even worth the breath to muster a Ha. So getting things that would further my.. Hobby is just going to always be out of my reach. There was a point in time where I actually thought maybe I could make money with my art... Hell my friends seem to think so, well say so but I can't seem to get past the idea I'm being used for car rides or help with manual labor when needed.

Also being borderline schizophrenic isn't helping the idea that everyone is being 100% truthful as I try to be, even if I lie to myself saying "well I'll get better someday." Or "maybe I'll get enough courage to speak with that cute girl." Always ending in with the voice of poison breathing doubt into my head spilling sweet nothings into my mindscape such as "your worthless, 28 years old, no job, still crashing at your parents, and just a goddamn waste of atoms and molecules." Or "she's going to think your a creep, why bother with the humiliation? Your just going to get laughed at, or eventually used like the tool you are." And this is just the tip of the ever growing iceberg. The deeper darker thoughts from these voices I'll keep to myself.

My therapist and or psychologist say that my issues will get worse with time, so I have that to look forward too if I live that long. Honestly it seems to feel as if I'm doomed to spend my life as a hermit, scatterbrained on the outskirts of the fandom and real life to a point where reality is blurred sleeping disorders are abundant and the only solace is feel is sitting alone in my room with nothing but my mind.

I'm writing this not as a cry for help, but for who ever (if anyone at all) had kept up with my art or acknowledged that It and or I existed.

That being said, I'm going to bed or rather, I'm going to lay awake in bed. I'm most likely going to either keep all my art on here or bury it on a disk and toss it in the card bored box I'm going to shove to the back of the attic. I've not decided yet, however the pen is down, possibly for good.

~Asylum

All the blood I'm coughing up.... And the chest/back pain makes me wonder...

So the holidays are upon us it the season of the brutal blood sport shopping where gladiators fight over useless material items for their clans. The holidays to me represent the depressing agony of being jobless, not having a grandpa ( he died a few years back ).... The only good thing that comes from this is the cold weather, to which I can have fire night roasting marshmallows or cooking food and drinking a assortment of alcohol. It's ritualistic in a way with out a sense of spiritualism or religious. Perhaps a little shamanistic, but with out a purpose other then the feel goods warmth of the fire fire roasted food, the flogging Molly setting the atmosphere with the stars that Pierce the sky. Let's not forget the booze!

Anyways I'm falling a little off topic, holidays are upon us and because reasons I might not be posting as often as I should be or oh twitch as often. Either way I'm trying to finish a few projects I have going but as it stands right now I'm having to start new art to get into the "artistic flow" before hopping back into main projects. So in reality I'm burying myself more but hopefully it will pay off with the quallity.

:v

So the holidays are upon us it the season of the brutal blood sport shopping where gladiators fight over useless material items for their clans. The holidays to me represent the depressing agony of being jobless, not having a grandpa ( he died a few years back ).... The only good thing that comes from this is the cold weather, to which I can have fire night roasting marshmallows or cooking food and drinking a assortment of alcohol. It's ritualistic in a way with out a sense of spiritualism or religious. Perhaps a little shamanistic, but with out a purpose other then the feel goods warmth of the fire fire roasted food, the flogging Molly setting the atmosphere with the stars that Pierce the sky. Let's not forget the booze!

Anyways I'm falling a little off topic, holidays are upon us and because reasons I might not be posting as often as I should be or oh twitch as often. Either way I'm trying to finish a few projects I have going but as it stands right now I'm having to start new art to get into the "artistic flow" before hopping back into main projects. So in reality I'm burying myself more but hopefully it will pay off with the quallity.

:v

im ligitly going on twitch right now.

http://www.twitch.tv/synisterwrath/

gotta figure out the whole music thing, its irritating not having music, as im listening to music while im drawing, *shrugs* hmmm maybe ill finish this picture today... >.>

either way... im going on in like 5 - 10 mins

side note i cleaned up my gallery so all my random non color art i used with pen and paper are now in my scraps. aside from a few newer ones as they came out really well.

im ligitly going on twitch right now.

http://www.twitch.tv/synisterwrath/

gotta figure out the whole music thing, its irritating not having music, as im listening to music while im drawing, *shrugs* hmmm maybe ill finish this picture today... >.>

either way... im going on in like 5 - 10 mins.

im ligitly going on twitch right now.

http://www.twitch.tv/synisterwrath/

gotta figure out the whole music thing, its irritating not having music, as im listening to music while im drawing, *shrugs* hmmm maybe ill finish this picture today... >.>

either way... im going on in like 5 - 10 mins.

im ligitly going on twitch right now.

http://www.twitch.tv/synisterwrath/

gotta figure out the whole music thing, its irritating not having music, as im listening to music while im drawing, *shrugs* hmmm maybe ill finish this picture today... >.>

either way... im going on in like 5 - 10 mins.

im ligitly going on twitch right now.

http://www.twitch.tv/synisterwrath/

gotta figure out the whole music thing, its irritating not having music, as im listening to music while im drawing, *shrugs* hmmm maybe ill finish this picture today... >.>

either way... im going on in like 5 - 10 mins.

im ligitly going on twitch right now.

http://www.twitch.tv/synisterwrath/

gotta figure out the whole music thing, its irritating not having music, as im listening to music while im drawing, *shrugs* hmmm maybe ill finish this picture today... >.>

either way... im going on in like 5 - 10 mins.