I'm losing the girl I love again... I can't bare this... I can't bare this again...

Please come back if things change, come back my love... Please... I beg of you...

Please I don't want to live without you...

I've been playing a lot of Dark Souls... Both Dark Souls and Dark Souls 2, and a reoccurring theme in them is one of a cycle or rebirth even though the character is undead. The first flame brought light into the world and with it the curse of undeath, the Lord of Cinders gave over his soul to rekindle the first flame. I look at this and can't help but be humbled by the sorrowful story.

This past day I went out to Mt Dora, not really a mountain, in Central Florida. I had an amazing experience with an older gentlemen named Kirk Sullens, he helped me build my first forge, a table built upon a utility cart. He taught me to use a plasma cutter, which was amazing, and to utilize a cutting torch. We build a tuyere (the grate the air goes through), reinforced the table with 12 gauge steel, and build out the piping onto a break rotor so that the forge can have the air it needs to keep the fire burning nice and hot.

I've gone through a lot in the past week... The person I love most hasn't talked to me in nearly a week and it's slowly killing me, but I know that right now I want her back. I know that whether she comes back or not I need to fix me, I need to change my life for the better, and be better myself. Much like a week flame at first I sat with my friend yesterday and he held my hand through the process, he talked to me about what I was going to be doing yesterday, and today, not Monday, that was to far ahead. He told me not to worry about things I couldn't control, which I understood, but it was something hard for me to do with my ADHD condition.

Yesterday, out in the middle of nowhere Florida, it felt much the same as when I forged my first thing, a fireplace shovel. I'm exhausted, I need to take a shower because dirt and rust is still on me after getting home last night. My muscles hurt, and I would love nothing more than to sit down to a nice glass of coffee with my Dog. I am crouching, I'm standing next to a young flame that is only just starting to burn, teasing fuel into it, staring with such intensity at the fire hoping it stays lit. I think blacksmithing will be good for me, good for the hurt of my soul that has been resting so long from pain caused by work, and caused by not caring about myself for a long time.

The pain, it's immense, and losing one of the most important people to me because of my actions, well, it's almost to much to bare. I know that if she does come back I need to bare it, I need to better myself for it... and I need to apologize to her. Whether I'm a grey knight who works the line of light and dark, or a bull under a tree holding a flower, a blacksmith kindling an ember into the roaring heart of a flame, I want to be compassionate, but strong. I haven't been strong in a long time, and I fear it has allowed my compassion to erode, my heart to fail, and the stresses of a job I hate to ruin everything for me, whether it be problems with friends, my health, or losing the one I love.

Enough is enough and I think I'm gonna listen to what my hurt is telling me, I think I'm gonna put this job in the grave and change my life for the better... It'll be scary, it'll be rough but it'll be good for me, and I don't think that's selfish to do what's good for you to better yourself.

I love this world, I love so many things, I love the one woman who has inspired me to be more than I could of ever been... It's time to start loving myself also.

~Moo

I've lost the one I've loved for so long once again... Shut out of my life... Why is life so cruel.

I can't bare this anymore... demoralized and broken.

I choose to drown it all in scotch...

Just wanted to drop a line and say Happy New Year everyone!

It's another year full of awesome things to do, cool things to see, and beautiful art to behold and create. I look forward to doing more art this year, hope to see you all staying busy in the new year!

Streaming tonight to get my mind off things... I'll be working on finishing up the papercraft fidget, learning zbrush as a tool, listening to music and relaxing. Maybe some vidya games, I dun know.

Life has been hard as of late, and I have to say I still feel like I'm lost in it. I love any and all of you that have taken part in my life. Never know what the future holds, guess all I can do is will myself forward.

All that ever will and all that ever will be is dust...

So I'm gonna take my first stab at streaming this week.

I'll be doing concept sketches for DOTA 2, might sit down and do some miniature painting (depending on how I feel) and maybe some goof off gaming. Not sure how this will all go but I'm gonna get to bed so I can get up early and get home early to give it a try ^..~

I'll post the link tomorrow...

So it's time for me to focus, it's time for me to sit down and figure out how to make a life out of the 3d work I love, and I think it's time to make it a constant thing I can focus on.

I want to throw out my love to Lux Operon (http://www.furaffinity.net/user/luxoperon/) who streams on Tigerdile for really showing me that there are opportunities out there and interest in 3d work within the community.

So... Lets start by getting my submissions back up to date... over the coming week I'm gonna round out my current "Little Steam-man" project. Get some pictures of the frog-man team I want to finish over the next month, and start getting some work done on understanding the DOTA 2 item workflow. Additionally I'll be learning 3d sculpting in zbrush and probably gonna buy a subscription to GNOMEN to start watching lesson-plans there.

I also have plans to work on some art-work inspired by Dust, an Elysian Tail. I'll be doing a card-stock piece of Fidget, the Nimbat from the game, in similar fashion to a piece I did for a friend who was having a rough day. I'll post some pictures up of the art-piece I did for her, if there is interest in people having simple card-stock art done of personal characters (no charge to start) ping me and let me know and I'll entertain it once I get my stream going.

Anyways just want to send my love to everyone out there, follow your dreams and go after the things you love, it's worth it. <3

It's been a while folks and I know the few who watched my miniature work are probably happy to see me, sadly I don't know how much miniature work I will be doing! But I'll try to finish some stuff I've been meaning to finish for a long time.

Someone I care about has re-entered my life and well, life has been an absolute whirlwind ever since. It's amazing how oh so long ago life was one way and now almost as if without any control or whim its another.

I've been working on 3d art in my own time and slowly stepping through learning the software and the processes. I'll be posting an assortment of art, from 3d, miniature painting to drawing. I'll be expanding my horizons and I may start streaming one day at the motivation of someone very special to me, we'll see.

For now, if you like what you see, then smile enjoy and expect more.

All the Love,
Moo

Home sick after an awesome legend of the five rings tourney.

Top of Clan for the Unicorn clan at the tournament and our group had the tournaments winner. Go Tampa L5R and anthem games.

Stuck at home playing League of Legends, coughing up a lung and wanting to talk to peeps.

100 dollars means:

3 - 10 lb bags of rice
2 - large cans of red kidney beans
70 some other canned goods including:
Ravioli, Chili, Beans, Corned beef hash, Green beans, corn and tomatoes.

100 dollars is also barely a third (hopefully) of what I want to give this weekend at the Sarasota Kotei (tournament) event for the Legend of the Five Rings card game.

This weekends event includes a side honor event where giving is the Honor of the day. The winner who donates the most food to a local food pantry that feeds homeless and needy families gets to have a personality from the card game appear in a written fiction that AEG (owner of l5r) writes as part of a continuing storyline to go with the game.

With the support of my friends at our play-group at Anthem Games in Tampa Florida the hope is to round out at about 300 dollars worth or more of canned food. Want to help? Let me know and I'll get in contact with you to see if we can get a money transfer going.

Either way from a compassionate unicorn clan player to everyone out there, hope this helped brighten your day :P

So I enjoyed a wonderful weekend with my girly and a bunch of her friends at MegaCon Orlando. The weekend started off with a trip in the night up on Friday, and coming in late with Wendy's for dindin (okay okay so I shouldn't be eating Wendy's but I do love their spicy chicken).

Regardless I entered the Centurion (Cygnar Centurion)I have as my contest piece in the figures contest and a l5r unicorn samurai in the miniatures contest. Turns out I actually am good enough to win a small contest :P

Won a resin model of this anime Babe: http://www.absoluteanime.com/aika/a.....-ultranite.jpg
While I've never seen the anime, the sculpt of the kit is amazing yet bigger than anything I have ever worked on or painted. 1:4.5 scale. My hope is to build it over the next year and use it as an opportunity to learn to paint smoother skin :P

It might also give me an opportunity to put together several other resin kits that I got from a friend of anime chica's, but was to afraid to put together or paint because I suxxored :P


Other than that I bought lots of random stuff (some naughty xD) got an awesome sketch done of my windrider fursona "Haftoof" and my girly's "Squeedle" and also got to enjoy the rave party. Which by the way *twitch* So sore :P danced my tail off.

Looking forward to next year ^..~

We all have desires... whether we know them or not, speak them out loud to others or keep them inside. I realize that as I grew up I thought the best of others, I saw those who were good people and bad and it was so black and white. Now that I am at a point in my life where I expected the bullies to be purged from society, it seems they are just smarter more insecure and scared.

As I sat at my desk today, doing little because I work for people with no real plan for the future let alone business sense I thought to myself, is everywhere the same? Is there no company where politics and separation is put aside for progress or at the very least happiness? Is enough ever enough for people? Or do we all live with insatiable desires to expand our horizons and grow without a care in the world for others? When is putting yourself before others wrong?

As I sat in my chair listening to muse quietly today I could not help but sit on a singular song. I do this often, I listen to a song seeking to understand it, to explores its contents and how it relates, kind of like opening a fortune cookie but pleasing to the senses. I sat today and listened to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R8OO.....U&ob=av3el

The song's lyrics are powerful, the use of odd instrumentation provides for a unique sound, but mostly the song as a whole inspires thoughts of things both old and new. In excitement to get the copies of the manga "Berserk" that I ordered, I realized the song matches two of the main characters. The song reflects upon parts of my life, and questions my future. I hope that I never fall to the point where I hold back from life, I never fall to the point where my desires are held back by fear. But I will never ever willingly harm another to bring forward my desires. We all have dreams, however unclear and uncertain, my dream is to live happily and protect those I love, take care of them. I have meet so many people and its hard to retain that care of all of them but I will try. In the end I will try my hardest to take care of those I care about, and when I finally reach a point where I can, it will be enough and I will have no need to extend beyond it greedily.

IF only pokemon was this awesome...

http://images.wildammo.com/2010/07/.....he-tall-grass/

Courtesy of deh girlfriend  alteredcarbon58

So I'm at home, and already my wound from surgery is doing its thing. Repacked the location and back to playing star-craft. Looking forward to having some free time to work on miniatures and play games in the coming week/weeks.

So as I quietly sit at my computer munching on jambalaya with shrimp and chorizo I can't help but think, man this is tasty, but life still sucks.

I feel like a dark cloud of unluck has hit me and many people recently. Somewhere between the:

800 dollar car repair bill
An accident causing around 300-400 dollars more of damage
hospital bills
upcoming surgery
a friend getting killed
losing another friend to circumstance and drama (not her fault)
and a dozen other things...

I noticed the dark cloud over this last month. Now, that said I did finish another set of conversion orcs and I am working on another 10 right now. I also am starting a Warmachine, a wonderful miniature game with a steampunk background, league at my local store and I gotta say the miniatures are amazing. I can't wait to sit down and start painting all the crap that I need to paint! (500 pts of army, warmachine stuff and a special piece for a friend, a bloodbowl team - norse).

Next on the list for all you awesome people out there is this awesome comic:
http://bladekitten.com/comics/blade.....itten/1/page:1

Blade kitten is an awesome comic about a neko-girl (cat girl) named Kit Ballard, it is also a game that is on sale on steam. Steam is rocking this awesome game and while I only played a little I love the spirit of the character and her awesomeness. So check out the comic.

Lastly I want to throw out a special word to two of my friends mentioned above. The first was killed by a drunk driver who hit and run her on her bike while returning from work at a research facility on campus. She was a wonderful person and her smile will never leave those of us who knew her. Please be careful of people on bikes, she did everything correctly and it didn't matter.

The second friend of mine is dealing with some tough times herself. Circumstance has lead her to stop talking to me because of drama. I want to say that friends don't leave friends hanging, and while circumstance has left us unable to talk, I still care about her. I want her to know that if things change I'll still be here waiting for my friend.

Oh, and lastly I want to mention how much I love my girlfriend. I love her so much I figured out furaffinity's crazy linking text to put her icon here >>>> alteredcarbon58

Crazy zeeba ish crazy :P

So life has been interesting recently... Found some time to work on my miniatures and I have to say that I am really enjoying the conversion work. I can't wait for the 500 pts to be finished so I can start painting and working on the next 500 pts. Hopefully I'll have a full 500 pt picture in the near future.

Beyond that work is at risk, seems that "underhanded" tactics of leaving a company as a group even if its a smart move still scares me. The real crest of the wave will be coming at the end of the year. Christmas is gonna be interesting this year.

Lastly I aikido has been put on hold due to an injury. Pilonidal cyst is bullshit. Can't do backrolls or anything involving that kind of motion until after the surgery and after that heals. Put me out of aikido for several months since the surgery won't happen till october. *sigh*

This year has been passing so quickly, I just kinda wish I had more people to talk to, losing a friend to drama really hurt. I still don't understand what I was supposed to do... or why it happened, just wish it didn't.

Hopefully I will be finding sometime to continue more art related activity. My sensei for aikido will be possibly showing me how to carve and work on creating practice weapons for the class. Going to start on a simple dagger bokken. Beyond that I have sought knowledge from a friend in the art department at USF on how to begin my advancement into more are related work, Where do I begin? where do I go? what should I do? Questions I need answered if I ever hope to go down that route. Lastly I am starting to clean a miniature created by soda pop miniatures for a close friend of mine who loves Bast, the Egyptian god. A stylized miniature I thought others might enjoy seeing art of it:
http://web.sodapopminiatures.com/im.....de_picture/122

Oh and PS: szechuan beef is nomnomnom!

I just finished posting the Updates to my painting competition miniature. Included are frontal, side, back and detail shots of the competition winning miniature. Take a look, ask questions, make suggestions.

Enjoy =)

To come more pictures of my converted "horde" spirit wolves.

Currently streaming live while I finish up the competition miniature for a local gaming store. I will be showing some of my painting techniques, generally talking and showing the miniature.

http://www.ustream.tv/channel/tales-of-a-mad-cow...

Work trudges forward on my "Horde" army. I have finished concept design for my first unit. Going with the horde symbol as one of my tying themes I have created a kit-bash (word for combining parts from two different warhammer miniature kits) to create wolves that in my opinion look better than their original and hit warcraft wolves on the mark.

The target was spirit wolves. Requiring custom molding work and extensive fur green-stuff sculpting I have finished the initial concept wolf and I would love feed-back.

The horde mark comes in behind a "focus" mask/headplate that all my spirit wolves will wear. In concept this plate focus' the spirit's energy and allows them to remain tied to this world in a physical sense. Posted shortly will be initial pictures.

Additionally I have a custom converted and based Death Company space marine. Along with some excellent basing I am trying a new method of priming and did custom sculpting work on jump jets. The sculpted flames came out good for the amount of time put into them.

So it's been a while since I've been on here... I think its time for a resurgence. Name's Tauren, my art is my miniatures. I play Warhammer and I suppose that's part of it. I love the relaxation of painting a miniature. It takes real patience and time, and while I do not have as much of that as I would like I want to extend it and really get good at it.

I am a hacker/info assurance Engineer at a local company, and I do work on that. I take part in competition under the Whitehatters team at USF.

That's about it for my life, not that exciting. My new push is something that is coming into effect because of the recent release of the beastmen army book by Games Workshop. The book is garbage, and sadly my army is garbage because of it. What can you do. My goal is to produce an army that fits in with the "Horde" them. Unified, brutal, unruly but most of all Horde. The army will not be anything in particular although it has a direct theme towards beastmen. I don't know how exactly I plan to do it or how I shift it towards the Warcraft horde it will be based upon, but I will figure that out as I go.

Time for some uploads... expect a lot of new art coming in... now.

There are a lot of people in this world in very sad positions. Its a saddening world where anger and hate are fostered from caring and love. The biggest problem is who I am yet it is also my greatest strength and what makes me a great person. I had two realizations this week that relate directly to who I am and why things happened. I look back over the past month and I see happiness and hurt intertwined like a loving couple. Why is it that the choices I made turned happiness into disaster? Was there anything I could change? These questions aren't worth answering because I have no regrets about what I did, when you act out your life exactly as you feel you should there is no right or wrong, only Grey. It seems that as time goes on I come to realizations about my choices and how they affected my life and the life of someone very dear to me, a friend that I loved so very much.

The first realization I had was about confidence and attraction. Attraction is glorious at the time of its conception, you realize you like someone but often those feelings can be confusing. For me I am able to understand and control feelings and realize my position... but those feelings are a driving force in my life and will always shape how I act. For others, emotions are scary, they drive you to think things and want to do things that scare you, they seem like selfish desires and worse off when you think about what they could cause you realize some might destroy everything else in your life. To quote my lost friend: "We are dancing with the devil in the pale moon-light, we see the cliff edge yet we dance closer, only to realize that to cross the border means to change everything and cast ourselves into oblivion."

Confidence and attraction are a pair, when you are confident people are attracted to you, they want to be around you because often times you portray an aura of security. For me I realize I may not be "attractive" in the physical sense for some... I'm not skinny, I'm a big guy, for some that is intimidating, my mannerisms can come off as harsh and angry, but I am the sweetest fellow according to those who know me. I have long hair and some call me handsome... some find me unattractive some find me attractive that's just life. Irregardless confidence is a major point of contention. You don't have to realize you are confident, you just have to be yourself and be confident in yourself. I realize that part of the reason that somethings happened is because I am most confident when I am having fun! I am a goof, and that's okay because in the grand scheme I like being a goof! I like having fun or going skating or just joking around! I love being my bull because he's me, in the truest sense!

Confidence has its point, if you are over confident because you realize your confidence leads to attraction then its a turn over. You will be confident without knowing and that's the thing... by being yourself you will innately measure reactions of people and tone/turn up your confidence and how you act as you have fun and get to know someone! Confidence has its downsides... confidence and the attraction that it causes can lead to confusion... Do I like him as a friend? Can I just be his friend? Do I want more? ... Confusing right? Well depending on who you are as a person you will either work out these feelings or give in to them or fight against them or be tormented by them or get over them or one of dozens of other things that could happen. For me and for someone I care for very deeply it was one of the more negative choices... it ended in anger and hate... and that makes me sad.

I don't believe in coincidences... how someone enters your life or why they do is for a reason. Situation that occur however little we understand them happen for one reason or another. As we sit and look at the twine of life interweaving and mingling it can become very confusing to try and understand it, and in some cases outright maddening to attempt to comprehend. Why did my friend have to gain feelings for me? Why did she lash out and say mean things? Why was curiosity and caring confused for obsession and stalking. Stubbornness causes all sorts of issues, so does letting in to easily. You either are a stone or a puff of smoke, you are a driving force of a light gust of air in life. It's hard to mediate when you should let go, especially when fear sets in. I don't know why things happened but its funny looking back over the past month at a friendship so full of feeling, emotion, joy, happiness and belonging, and on the flip side hurt, pain, and anger. I look back and in hindsight see things I never saw the first time, emotions in words that I never realized, pain, joy and a sense of belonging intermingling.

Yesterday was a boring day... but it was also a charged day, I did some physical activity but at the end of the day I felt like someone had beaten me with a stick or stabbed my heart with a shiv. In my boredom I restarted my DA account and actually decided to post somethings... I was curious if my friend who is an artist had an account so of course I searched her name, only to come up with her account. I put her on watch and was so glad to have a new window on her art... the most important part of her life. Turns out using a search feature is stalking someone... *laughs* I got a rather nasty snappy email about how I was stalking her on a boring day off... *shakes his head* Amazingly she went ahead and deleted the account, her work, her account gone and in a fit of anger she alienated a true friend. In hindsight I realized later that day that I had lost all the will in my life to keep her as a friend... all the effort and all the caring had reached a plateau and there was nowhere higher to go, so I leaped off the edge and fell into oblivion.

I still care but I have no motivation too... there is nothing left to care about except for the memories, which I still cherish. It's a cold reality when someone who cares selflessly, a hero, a champion in peoples lives, a happy fellow stops having the motivation to care about someone. I had this feeling once before, caring without motivation. It happened to an old girlfriend that I put my heart into and I cared for and defended with everything I was. She used me, I was a toy in her life to keep her happy. I felt no remorse for not having any motivation for her because I realized she did it maliciously, I still care but have no motivation to do anything about it... to put my heart out there, not after seeing it so openly stabbed.

I'm a fallen hero, a hero shunned and I realize now that I have motivation to take care of others that I want to take care of. I look back fondly... but inside I'm just hurt... I have no hate or anger, I already had those yesterday and they melt away. Those emotions are not things I like, they are draining and painful, like downing a vial of poison, they make you want to gag and your body feels dead... it'll never kill you but it'll make you feel like crap. I miss my friend most of all... I look forward longingly to the day when we can be friends again, but I fear that may never come. *shakes his head and sighs*

So! I now go forward looking for fun... meeting new people and living life like its the last day on earth! tomorrow I could get hit by a truck and that'll be it, a splatter on life. I am not gonna let life happen to me... I am gonna make my life and champion it! I'm the hero of my life and I will champion the cause of happiness and caring and joy... I am Grey for I know that I can harbor the dark emotions and wallow, but I am also Grey because I still hold far more caring. Funny how art tells you a lot, if you add a little white to black paint you get a really dark grey, it takes lots and lots of white to turn black to a light shade of grey. But it only takes a little black to make white turn Grey. Life is about shades of Grey, not black and white... And that is why I am who I am, I am a Grey Knight... Because I have seen the darkness of night and I have seen the light of day and to be eternally in either is torture and false, but to be in twilight is truth...