You know what this movie’s going to be if you saw the trailer.

RATING: IT IS WHAT IT IS/10

I dunno y’all. It’s a movie about a dog that fucks too much. Then he finds out he’s gonna lose his balls. So his three dog pals take him out on a raunchy wild dog adventure through the city. And then the climax happens and the movie ends. So here’s a problem with this movie: that’s not the main plot. This is the main plot.

An overweight self-conscious dog, Bull, is in love with his rich bitch neighbor, Honey, but can’t confess his true feelings to her. Meanwhile, Honey is tired of her pompous life and realizes it’s not fun or glamorous for her at all. So Bull goes on a wacky, raunchy adventure through the city until he finally gets the courage to tell Honey how he feels and she gets the courage to tell him how she feels. This plot goes exactly the way you expect and ends exactly the way you expect.


Some of the jokes are funny, but they go on for too long to a point where they’re no longer funny. Rocco, voiced by Idris Elba, once again is the best part of anything he’s in. I like the fact that he’s essentially the main character’s wingman, his design looked brawny and smooth, and he had some of the funnier jokes in the film (his obsession with nipples, good lord XD) Fetch’s whole deal is that he tries to behave too much like a human influencer. He’s not super developed but eh, was a fun little quirk. Weirdly enough, the dog introduced eating cat shit, Lucky, has this surprisingly endearing subplot where he ends up involved in his own little romance with an intersex Doberman. Somehow I found that more interesting because he ends up confessing that he keeps trying to “chase this high” but no matter what he does, he isn’t satisfied. And then he finds out he may have some “internal” issues he needs to sort out. All the side characters as a whole had a bit more depth to them than Bull; kinda wished the movie was about them.

Animation looks very nice. I will give the movie that.

There’s an obnoxious douchebag dog who is a douchebag who makes fun of the other dogs who got neutered and wants to fuck Honey. Guess what happens to him.

Go on. Guess.


The biggest problem with this movie isn’t even how gross or obscene or sweary or raunchy it is. It’s just that some of the jokes go on for too long or you already know what the punchline is. The reason why this is irritating is because this movie could’ve spent more time trying to make its very basic romance plot a bit more compelling or could’ve shortened some of the jokes and made them funnier. We did not need an entire sequence that went on for over three minutes of Bull humping everything in his house; they got the point across when he spent thirty seconds just humping Nana’s leg. The peeing sequence in the dog pound did not need to be that long (if you saw the movie, you know). The meat of the movie when they go to the city to get wild and crazy doesn’t start until half an hour/halfway in.

There’s a scene in the film that made me feel a certain way that doesn’t involve the dogs or cats. I won’t say what it is or when it happens. You’ll know when you get there.


I’m not gonna tell you if you should watch this movie or not. You know better than I do if it’ll be something you’d like. Go see the trailer first, and if it puts you off, don’t watch it. If it doesn’t and you’re fine with that kind of nasty humor, check it out. I kinda wasn't expecting more from this movie, but films like Superbad and The 40-Year-Old Virgin have shown that you can have surprisingly deep themes mingled in amongst all the raunchy sex jokes that elevate the film.

Honestly I can’t even be mad at this movie. Genndy Tartakovsky has spent most of his career making all these super artsy, well-made, incredible animated features. He can afford to have that one film where he goes all out with depravity and not giving a fuck with how gross he is. Considering all of the stories I’ve written on this site that most of y’all know me for, not to mention the fact that I’ve self-published a trilogy of gay orc farting books in the public domain (amongst other books), there’s a part of me that respects Genndy Tartakovsky for making this film in the first place. And despite all of my issues, after sitting upon it and thinking about it for a while, I do understand what one of the themes was for this film overall:

Just because you don’t have testicles doesn’t mean you don’t have any balls.


Use them wisely.

And that day is today!

Pride of the Rats has officially been released!

You can buy a copy of the eBook or the physical copy here!

"But JT! I don't live in America! D:"

That's quite all right.

Here's my post from Bluesky that has multiple links for those in Canada, Italy, etc.

"BUT JT! AMAZON IS A LOAD OF POO-POO! >:(

Oh, don't like the website? Boycotting Amazon for whatever reason?

Boop!

Here's a link to my website provide alternative retailers.

These retailers include Fable, Apple Books, Barnes & Noble, Smashwords, and a few others. I will say, unfortunately, that these retailers only provide the eBook version, not the physical copy. It's gonna take a little longer before the physical books are live on other websites.

"What if I am unable to purchase your novel?"

Feel free to contact me here, through Telegram, on Twitter/Bluesky, etc. and we'll discuss other possible venues.

Like I said in my previous journal, this book is not a fetishy or comical tale. There's not gonna be a fart/scat/watersports version. There's not gonna be a sex-only version either. Some toilet humor here and there, some smelly rats all around, but overall the story is heavily plot and character driven. It's very dark. It's got uncensored violence and death and has some gore here and there.

Anyone curious can check out the first four chapters (which have since been altered) here for free!

Anyway, now that the book is out, you're welcome to leave comments, reviews, questions, ratings, etc. about it. This book may end up being one of the best things I've written. It may end up being the worst. Everyone may love it. Everyone may hate it. And that is all just fine.

I spent two years working on this. And at the very least, I can say I finished it.

Welp, it's almost time. My dark fantasy novel Pride of the Rats is in its final editing stages! Already have the Pre-Order date set for June 17th. Here's the blurb for it:

"For decades, the rat-like species known as the rachas have struggled to coexist with humanity and other races around them. Some people see them as common folk with their own special culture, while others view them as nothing more than vermin that must be eradicated from the world.

Trovleesh and Golsin are simple shopkeepers trying to live their lives and make it big in the city, in spite of the prejudice they face day-by-day. But when a new ruler with disdain for rachas takes the throne and initiates a purge of all rachas, Trovleesh, Golsin, and many of their friends are forced to become fugitives and ally with a band of ruthless rebels. As Trovleesh and Golsin spend more time with the freedom fighters, the line separating good from evil begins to blur, and the duo must choose to stay and fight, or flee and attempt to secure a safe haven for themselves and others like them."

You can pre-order the digital copy of the book here!

You can also check out the first four chapters (which have since been edited/changed a bit) here!.

Unlike my other stories, it's not gonna be a fetishy or comical tale. There's not gonna be a fart/scat/watersports version. There's not gonna be a sex-only version either. Some toilet humor here and there, some smelly rats all around, but overall the story is heavily plot and character driven.

Excited for next month!

Hi.

Wrote a new book a month ago. It's about a goblin who may or may not discover he's got a fetish for pants-messing.

You can check out the first three chapters of it here.

And uh, yeah. That's it. It's super nasty and smelly. And stuff. It only focuses on a goblin and orc though. No furries/talking animals this time.

---

Also hi. It's been a while. A lot has happened.

I am still tired. X__X

I guess the admins are going back on some of the rules here? I don't know. I haven't been following too closely. Again, I don't really post anything that breached their rules, and what has been posted I believe has been deleted.

Twitter's terrible. And water is wet.

I've more or less spent the last handful of months editing/writing stories and working. Lots of working. Too much working. The workload didn't let up until mid-January after the holidays. But thankfully most everything is back in order.

Over the last few days in particular, I've been re-releasing all of my self-published stories. So for those of you who don't want to deal with/hate Amazon, you can now purchase my books on Gumroad or Payhip.

Here is the Payhip link.

And here is the Gumroad link.

Gumroad seems to work fine. Payhip works, but I've noticed it acts...wonky in Firefox. Not sure why? But Google Chrome and Microsoft Edge work fine there.

"BUT JT! Aren't some of these websites cracking down on the 'naughty materials' you tend to write about?!"

Kinda. Probably. Wouldn't be surprised. I put up all the warnings and proper labels necessary to warn anyone who happens upon my books. There's nothing illegal in my books. All the characters are adults. I should be fine. If I end up getting suspended or banned or whatever, oh well. I'll find another website.

Apparently you can sell your content through Discord server(s) somehow? I might look into that. Alls I know is that I'm not gonna stop making this kind of content. It doesn't make me all that much money but it's something I enjoy doing in my spare time and most of the people who read my stuff actually seem to really like it!

Right now that's all I care about.

I know everyone is screaming and crying about censorship and "certain laws" that may or may not happen in the future and the state that the world is in. Or at least the United States, for obvious reasons. And really my only suggestion is to do what I'm doing right now.

Which is to continue doing what you're doing. Even if it's just existing. I'm not saying you shouldn't help others in need or to stick your head in the sand, but at the end of the day, you're just one person. You can't do everything--not without killing yourself in the process. So just do what you can.

Even if it's just making porn/erotica that makes others happy or helps them get through the day.

I'm going to go now and do...things. Lots of things. Typing and reading and gaming and many other things. X__X


Also a very close friend of mine provided me with a VR headset so you miiiiiight see me in VRChat in the future.

Later.

The policy changed. Gotta leave FA and bounce to Twitter.

Twitter privated favorites. Gotta leave Twitter and bounce back to FA.

FA changed its policy again. Gotta leave FA and bounce back to Twitter. Again.

Twitter did another dumb. Gotta leave Twitter--

FA changed its policy. Gotta leave--

Hey, let's go to InkBunny! Oh right, the notorious stigma of cub porn despite that being just one aspect, not the main aspect. But objectively-speaking cub porn is allowed on said site.

Facebook then. That's funny.

Threads. Huh, what? You don't know what that is?

DA. That's funny.

SoFurry. Not a bad option, but mostly for readers.

Weasyl. I legit don't know if anyone still uses this site. But again, not a terrible alternative.

Itaku. The dump site everyone keeps saying is wonderful but no one ever talks about or uses unless they're jumping ship from another site

Back to Twitter. Right, Nazis and right-wing nonsense.

Back to FA. New policy change.

Back to Twitter. Did another dumb.

Bluesky seems decent. And gaining more traction due to the Twitter dumbs.

Back to Twitter. Oops, people you blocked can still see your shit.

Back to FA. Oops, another policy change cracking down on diaper and the ABDL community.

Back to--

STOP.

I'm tired. For fuck's sake. X__X

No, I'm not leaving, etc., etc., things and shiz. I don't think people are overreacting in some cases. People were already on the verge of leaving and now this has been the final straw. A lotta people are pissed off; even more people don't care; even more people have grown tired of this website from the get-go. I dunno. I can't keep up with all this.

I dunno how I feel about the policies. I don't really do much diaper stuff anymore, but I do think it's strange they're hammering down on diaper stuff this hard. Meanwhile I typed in "rape" and found a recent drawing of a badger forcing a cat to suck on a barrel of a gun before ejaculating as he murders her. With nothing censored. I mean if you're into that...cool. That's fine and dandy. I myself have written stories that involve explicit rape and gore that one could argue is exploitative. I just think it's weird that the admins are saying "We can't allow drawings of a possibly underage character with emphasis depicting their feet. But this drawing, this one right here of the cat held up by chains as she cries while being raped in the ass and mouth? You're good."

I'm not tripping, right? Does this not sound ass backwards?

Might delete some stories. Might not. There are some I wrote many years ago--commissions mostly--that arguably violate the new guidelines. At the same time I really can't be arsed. I have too much stuff to do; I have a strenuous day-job which has also been giving me some issues; I'm in the middle of kickstarting my indie/self-publishing career with some books I've been working on.

Maybe I'll go back to releasing stories on SoFurry perhaps. Who knows. Or maybe I'll stick with focusing on making novellas/novels and publishing them on Amazon and Smashwords. Who knows. I don't have any solutions. If you're a content creator, I say pick whichever site you're most comfortable with that allows the content you create and stick with it. Even if it's not the most "popular."

All my furry contact info is under the "Contact Information" box. All the stuff relating to my novels and orc shiz and my orc website is up in the journal header.

I'm gonna shoot a buncha meaty monsters in Iron Meat now and go type something. Maybe orcs farting or some crime dramas I've had in development.

Later.

TL;DR. GOT KO-FI. NEW BOOK DONE. PRIDE OF THE RATS NEARLY FINISHED. FURRY/ANTHRO-CENTRIC BOOK(S) IN THE WORKS.


New updates and the shiz be the blah.

After tossing back and forth between a Patreon or Subscribestar or what-have-you, I made it simple and decided to settle on getting a Ko-Fi! So instead of a monthly donation, you can simply offering me a tip for a coffee (or bottle of water with how ridiculous inflation is). As always donations help out with funding some of the stories I create, along with some of the artwork I commission of characters from my stories, or with seeking artists who can create book covers.

You can donate to my Ko-Fi here.

You can also view my full website here.


On that note, recently published a new book a couple weeks back! It's called The Stank Dungeon. It's a parody of Saw where a goblin and troll wake up locked in a cell and discover they're at the mercy of a kidnapper whose minions wanna torture them. But instead of using traps involving body mutilation, they plan on tormenting the protagonists with their ass and gas. There's no blood, no gore, no "triggering subjects," no death, no disgusting injuries, etc. There's also no scat--just pure ass-play and flatulence. And while the two lead characters are humanoids, most of the characters who do all the farting are anthros. Check out the first two chapters of the story here for free!


Pride of the Rats is almost done, after being in development for over a year now. X__X That is going to have some heavy/upsetting topics in it and gore and death and other stuff. It's definitely gonna be one of my much darker stories, even if there are the occasional bits of toilet humor in it and musky rat characters.

I'm also working on this other book called Dogged. Basically, I saw a movie about human trafficking. And it was terrible. So my brain said "Okay do this movie. But make the main character a hunky gay Rottweiler. And set it in a universe where humans and anthros coexist and human trafficking is a major plot point."

So now another book is in progress. Currently at 36K words. Here's what the main character looks like. Yes, there's gonna be toilet humor. Yes, this dude in question farts a few times.


"Still haven't released any anthro/furry-related novels?"

Not yet. I'm currently working on two--one is the aforementioned Dogged, and the other is Pride of the Rats, which is (finally) just about finished, but the proofreading/editing alone is going to take another month or so. That probably won't be out until August. I'm still working on other ideas. Maybe I'll occasionally get back to releasing a small, regular smutty story here like I used to every month or so. Perhaps every now and then I'll release a novelette onto my website, similar to Short, Not Sweet, that you can read for free.

There's also another book I have in mind about a wolf thief and lizard swordsman in a post-apocalyptic setting taking on a warlord, but that's still in early development.

Anyways, that's what I've been up to the past several months. That and working a lot. And dying too much in the Elden Ring DLC.

Later.

TL;DR: I’M WRITING A TRILOGY CALLED PRIDE OF THE RATS. FIRST BOOK IS ALMOST DONE. ALSO GO BUY LAIKA: AGED THROUGH BLOOD, AND ALSO MY FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD AND TURBO OVERKILL.


Hey guys. More shiz and blah-booty happened.

So by the time I post this, I’ll have released a teaser/preview for my new ambitious project, Pride of the Rats. It’s this massive story and the first entry in a trilogy I’ve been working on for months that deals with innocent rats being forced into a rebellion after a bigoted ruler declares genocide on their race.

As you can expect by that description alone, it’s a lot more mature-ish from my usual content, it’s not erotica, and it’s very light on sex scenes or fetish scenes, etc. There are some farty and gross bits in it, but as a whole, the story has nothing to do with that. And on that note, the novel is not gonna be as humorous or lighthearted as most of my written works (I’m probably gonna have to put trigger warnings in the final product given the themes it covers).

All that being said, it’s my first massive project dealing with giant anthro rats, not chunky orcs or other humanoid creatures. So if you’re curious to read a preview of the story so far, check out the sample that I just recently posted!

---

In other gaming related news, no. Haven’t played Super Mario Bros. Wonder. Not yet. Don’t know if I’ll buy it. I still haven’t 100% Super Mario Bros Odyssey (and probably never will despite how much I like the game) and I don’t wanna spend another $60 on another 2-Dish Mario game when there’s a lot of other more interesting projects out there. I’m not buying Sonic Superstars. I did buy Sonic Frontiers—which I actually liked quite a bit! The ending was rushed, and the DLC was disappointing, but the base game as a whole was surprisingly good! I don’t know when/if I’ll buy Super Mario RPG Remake. But it does look tempting graphics-wise, especially since when a character levels up, the leveled up character does a pose and everyone in your team does a little victory dance and it’s cute. That being said I’ve played the original game multiple times already so I know all the plot-points and plot beats so it’s not like I’m gonna get spoiled on anything. And on that note, that’s kinda why I might not get it because…technically I’ve played it already. You can see Boshi’s feet in HD though, so I guess there’s that.

I feel like this year has finally set in stone that a lot of people are kinda getting tired of the same games—and it’s officially hit its breaking point with the release of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare III, the sequel to Call of Duty: Modern Warfare II that has nothing to do with the Call of Duty: Modern Warfare trilogy despite being part of the Modern Warfare trilogy. This is a sentence that I just said that makes absolute sense in context. And I hate that. But instead of talking about gaming controversies and how a DLC was released for $70 or what was and was not nominated for GOTY awards, let’s talk about more obscure shiz.

I’m gonna get into the coyote game in a moment but for now here’s two honorable mentions of indie games you should play!

- My Friendly Neighborhood: Hey guys! Are you tired of mascot horror games? Well here’s another one! Here’s another mascot horror game about cute cuddly creatures who have been possessed by dead children or are sapient and victims of rape and abuse or they’re actual monsters created by mad scientists who are products of their environment! …Oh what’s that? That’s not the plot? The actual plot is that you’re trying to repair an antenna while fluffy puppets keep trying to hug you and you shoot them with letters?

…I don’t think I need to say much more. My Friendly Neighborhood starts out being what you think it is, and then it’s not. And it’s wonderful. The puzzles and combat/gameplay alone is enough to purchase the game, given it has Resident Evil-ish mechanics.

- Turbo Overkill: Hey guys! You wanna play an FPS similar to DOOM but set in a futuristic cyberpunk world when you gotta stop an AI from destroying the universe? And then shit goes wrong and the beautiful lush setting turns into actual cyberpunk Hell on Earth? Cool. Buy the game.

“But JT! I’m tired of boomer shooters! How come everyone—”

And you have a chainsaw in your leg.

“Okay, how much is this game?”

$25. It’s on sale for $20 for a couple more days.

Okay, so onto Laika: Aged Through Blood. So the overall premise is that you’re a coyote who is immortal and comes back to life should she die. It’s a post-apocalyptic world where you live with a small community of other talking animals and you’re just trying to survive in a world overrun by an avian dictatorship that wants to kill all non-bird scum. Your job is to stop the birds from their tyranny by any means necessary.

By which I mean you drive around on a motorcycle and shoot shit while looking badass.

The first thing to point out is that this game has Souls-like elements. As I said, every time Laika dies, she respawns from a “bonfire” you activated as a checkpoint. Every time you die, you lose some of your “money” and you need to collect it before dying again, or else it’s gone for good. You get “money” by killing enemies (or by playing Blackjack). The enemies also respawn. There are many points in the game where you gotta backtrack and may get lost because you don’t know where to go, only for your brain to click and say “Oh that’s right! I can unlock that thingy now!” You can also get newer weapons in the game—many of which, excluding the shotgun, are kind of fucking impractical compared to the basic bitch starting weapon of a revolver…similar to how I (personally) can get through Dark Souls just by using a regular longsword/claymore that I continuously upgrade. Also, the story is very dark. So keep all this in mind.

On the topic of the story, there’s a lot of disturbing content within the game. Outside of the immense gore, the game is very nihilistic. There’s always this underlying theme that nothing matters and everything you do is pointless. You can tell it’s affecting Laika—an already cynical creature who has become jaded due to losing two children and the decaying world around her. The game is very mature when it comes to its heavy themes, but also isn’t overly-explicit about it. The game opens with you discovering your surrogate nephew’s body disemboweled and strung up on a post. Thankfully the game doesn’t pull a Walking Dead and spend its time killing off characters constantly for shock value, but the game does not sugar-coat anything either.

You have to deal with nihilism and watching as the world around you continues to crumble, all while you question if you are doing anything to help your people. You have to deal with the fact that Laika, for lack of a better phrase, is a neglectful parent since she keeps leaving her daughter home alone while she goes off to fight bad guys. There are multiple sidequests that end in tragedy or the death of a side character. There’s a sidequest that all but states a child was physically and/or sexually abused, and you can murder the abuser while he pleads for his life and suffer no consequences for killing him. There’s another quest that ends with a character committing suicide, and you see the body onscreen.

In spite of being a beautiful-looking game and having a world full of animal characters, it’s respectful with the themes it talks about and mature in how it handles them. Yes, a child is raped, but this is only implied through subtext; nothing is shown onscreen. The game has humor, yes, but all the humor takes place during the downtime in the game when Laika is in her home (aka, the game’s only safe zone) talking to other civilians. The only other humor the game provides is deadpan humor (mostly sarcasm from Laika) or very dark humor provided from characters who clearly use humor as a defense mechanism for how shitty the world is (there’s a bar and motel owner in particular; y’all know who I’m talking about if you played the game).

Also, soundtrack. It’s beautiful. It’s very melancholic, but it’s also very beautiful and fitting for the game’s tone. I’m not gonna link to any of the potential spoiler songs or any of the depressing ones so here’s “Playing in the Sun” since it’s one of the more upbeat songs in the game outside of “Coming Home”, and even that song you could argue has subtext about one accepting death, giving its title a double meaning.

This game…really pushed me. At first I was having fun with the game and enjoying its tone and difficulty. And then I killed one of the bosses in the game and Laika has a conversation where she contemplates that she’s losing herself every time she dies and every time she kills. And then later after I killed a very fucking difficult-ass boss, I was treated to…a scene. Most of the people who have played this game will bring up this “scene” and the song that plays in the scene. And that was when the cracks started…and the nihilism started getting to me. And later on another event happened, and while this event did not break me, it was the final straw. Half an hour later, everything I experienced was too much and I broke down.

I spent a good ten…maybe fifteen minutes crying nonstop. I couldn’t even play the game. I put down my controller and just cried for a while as I played one of the songs on loop. …And when I was done, I just…kept playing. More terrible shit happened, but it didn’t affect me. It couldn’t anymore. And it wasn’t because I didn’t care—I did. It’s because the game successfully turned me into Laika. I was just numb to everything. Bad things happened. I would voice my opinion on the matter. And then I would continue. …That was all I could do anymore.

I think that’s the beauty of this game. Even when you’re in a desolate world, even when everyone around you is dying, even when you, the player, have become numb to everything, you still push on. Maybe it’s out of stubbornness; maybe out of a sense of achieving a goal; maybe just because you can. But even when you know nothing matters as a whole, you can find something in that nothing and make that matter. And when you do that…you feel like you’re invincible. Like Laika. It’s also kind of why I love the ending, considering what happens (which I won’t spoil).


Anyways, yeah! Go buy this game please. So many people online bitch and whine that games are terrible now (outside of Nintendo games), but then games like this comes out and they fly under everyone’s radars. Spark the Electric Jester 3 and BROK: The InvestiGator both came out in the same month just last year and neither got as much mainstream attention as Sonic Frontiers (especially the former. Because why pick up this game when we can all bitch about whether or not the new Sonic game is terrible? >__>).

If you don’t want a game this dreary or difficult, pick up Turbo Overkill. If you don’t want a game super bloody and graphic, pick up My Friendly Neighborhood.

Later.

Things happened and shiz and blah.

“What’s your opinion on these new policy updates?”

I already talked about it with some people over Telegram/Discord. Some shit sounds vague; some sounds hypocritical; some sounds contradictory. I’m sure there will still be loopholes; I’m sure certain things will slip through the cracks; I’m sure the admins will only pay attention to one particular element(s), but not others, unless someone sends multiple trouble tickets on it.

Maybe this all will be good. Maybe not. Maybe people won’t care in a month or two.

“Are you leaving FA?”

No. I barely post anything here anymore to begin with though.

“Are you deleting anything?”

Again, no. Again, in the past three years I’ve posted…maybe eleven stories? Ten of which were commissions. One was a birthday present. Everything else I’ve posted recently has been orc-related in terms of the novels I’ve been publishing. I have nearly five hundreds stories in my gallery—some of them include Pokémon and/or Digimon. I don’t remember which ones and I cannot be arsed to comb through all my stories and delete the ones that might get me in trouble. Since I write stories, someone would have to go out of their way to read an entire story and then say “Yeah the character in this story appears to be underage. They have fully developed sexual organs and talk and sound like an adult, but it’s an Agumon or Veemon or Impmon, so you banned now.”

I don’t think that’s gonna happen. But it might. Maybe. I dunno. Who knows. I will say if I get banned,  Furzen is probably gonna be affected. I log into that account frequently and the last time I got suspended, that account also got suspended. So if something happens to me…I don’t know; I guess one of the other Furzen admins will have to restart the group. Which I’m not sure will happen. One admin I barely talk to/know. One admin doesn’t get on FA much due to personal life issues and he has made it very clear to me he does not like females farting and hates seeing it anywhere around the group. The other admin has not spoken to me in three years and does not do anything but occasionally log in, fave some stuff, and then leave.


“You seem calm about all this.”

I’m almost 31. I have a full-time job. I have my own website now. I spent years writing web novels. I’ve spent the last couple years working on publishing real novels you can buy with real money. I have written a book that is the size/length of a Redwall novel. I have done that. You can literally go to Amazon right now and buy a book that I wrote that is as long as an average novel. It’s erotica. It’s about orcs and bipedal goat-teachers and minotaurs passing gas. It has a shitty cover of a muscular dude with green skin showing off his immense fat ass in purple briefs. But goddamn it, it’s something that I made that you can all enjoy. It’s something that I made because I wanted to make it.


…I don’t have much motivation to write stuff on FA anymore. That’s not to say I don’t want to write about furry content anymore, or that I don’t want to make stories about talking animals and shiz—I absolutely do. But I want to branch outside of FA. And these past three years have finally allowed me to do that. I absolutely would not mind making stories about a world full of talking animals and exploring some of their kinky natures or just making a slice of life book or an actual sci-fi and/or fantasy epic. But I have to do it outside of this website.

It’s not that I don’t care about FA. It’s that at this point in life, I have other, primary priorities more important than this website.


“Where can we find you if anything happens or just to talk to you?”

FURRY SHIZ

Discord: Tyk89
Telegram: TykGrov89
Twitter: Tyk891

ORC/PUBLISHING SHIZ

Linktree to Orc Shiz: Orkon Orkz
Farty Orc Shiz: Odorous Orkz
Website: https://orkonorkz.com/


When I get around to publishing furry stories under a different author name on Amazon, I’ll let y’all know. For now, all I mostly got is urban fantasy/orc shiz. I’m hoping to fix that soon.

Also also I have kept this secret for a while, and this will potentially bite me in the ass in the future. But what the hell. Here’s the link to where I’ve been posting my web novels. Some of it is furry-related. Some of it is not. A lot of it is very dark and serious and may contain some themes that may upset or trigger some people. Like death and torture and rape and shiz. But here’s the link anyway for anyone curious.

Web Novels: https://www.fictionpress.com/u/1051985/Tyk


So that’s about it. Don’t know what’ll happen in the future. But as you can see, I got a lot of other shiz to work on and worry about right now. We’ll just have to see I suppose.

Later.

Hey guys.

I has a website now.

It's called "Orkon Orkz," with the tagline "Manly Orcs, Manly Kinks."

You can view the full website here.

It's more or less my personal author website where I have a full list of all my orc and fantasy-related content you can purchase from Amazon. Or you can subscribe to my site to gain a newsletter every couple weeks that includes updates regarding my upcoming written works. And even a few bonus chapters/snippets and other features. One of these features in question is a novelette I recently finished working on called Short, Not Sweet, which primarily centers on human and goblin sex.

Also, THIS BOOK IS FREE.

You pay absolutely nothing for this book. All you gotta do is either subscribe to my site's newsletter, or simply send an email confirmation from the site stating you want the story in question.

"Are you planning on creating any anthro/furry-related novels?"

Probably. I've thought about doing something with a bunch of minotaurs before. Perhaps that'll come into fruition in the future. There was also this old, scrapped idea where a young man is kidnapped by a race of sapient dog creatures and forced to be a gladiator/slave. Of course Ad Astra happened, so...

So yeah, that's my announcement. Got a website out advertising my books about chunky, masculine orcs doing masculine and stanky things like sitting on people's faces or passing gas in public or having sex in public.

Feel free to check out the site and my books as well!

Okay so few things I’m gonna bring together as one fat journal all around.

 pokemonmanic3595 has commissions open! He does story commissions like I used to do, albeit he don’t do that extreme shit (for the most part). But he does story commissions and they’re good and stuff and he’s open and-and-and they’re commissions and fetish porn. And shiz. So go do the thing if you wanna commish him and whatnot. He do the farts and the doo-doo stuff that no one likes to touch. Plus vore. And transformation. So like, if you want a story about going up a butt, then he’ll do it. He’ll write about butt eating. Here’s a link to his commission journal.

Also there’s this other dino dude on Twitter who’s got commissions open. There’s a message about it here. So you can go talk to him and go get farty shiz. He’s not into super ultra-nasty stuff, but he do the farts. And everyone loves the farts. So commission him for the farts. Because farts.

---

Also speaking of farts, I has a new novel published! It’s called Ghastly Gassholes, and it’s the third installment (and last book in the first arc) of the Odorous Orcs saga. It’s got orcs farting. And a minotaur farting. And a satyr farting. And some shitting. And stuff. It’s 70,000 words long, and you can have it for only three dollars.

The direct link to the book is right here!

More info about it can be found here!

So yeah, feel free to check out my new book, buy it, review it, rate it, what have you, or just spread the word about it. There’s no preview of the first chapter (yet), but here’s an image of the gassy satyr goat daddy.

---

A bunch of shit happened last year when it comes to entertainment. Apparently it was all bad according to YouTube and Twitter. Apparently games aren’t fun anymore. Apparently Hollywood is falling apart because they keep making shitty movies. And my counterpoint to all these claims is when you keep paying for the same shit, you’re going to keep getting the same shit, and you’re telling the people you’re buying from that they don’t have to try. Because you’re gonna buy whatever they make if you slap a brand name in front of it.

So instead of talking about how shitty Willow, She-Hulk, Thor: Love and Thunder, Jurassic World Dominion, The Witcher: Blood Origin, Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power, Velma are, here’s a bunch of non big-time movies and non over-hyped franchise-related stuff I’m gonna recommend to you that came out this year.

INDIE/UNDERRATED MOVIES

Moonfall: Okay…okay…hear me out for a second. This is a disaster movie that does not try and does not care. It costs millions of dollars. It has an absurd plot. It makes no sense. The director/writer didn’t bother doing research. And that is precisely the point. Moonfall is the worst disaster movie of all time—and I have seen Sharknado. This is a film that you have to experience in terms of everything that does not work. And in spite of all of that, I never got a sense of pretentiousness from it. This is the film that I wanted Jurassic World Dominion to be: an absolute pile of hot garbage that does not try to make any semblance of sense, but rather, it embraces its absurdity, almost with pride. This movie has a dumbass plot that got dumber and dumber as the movie progressed. Jurassic World Dominion had a dumbass plot, but after ten minutes they said “Nah, we’re gonna have a boring, generic kidnapping plot instead of capitalizing on how ridiculous this movie could be.” Moonfall is not a good movie. But goddamn do I love it.

The Northman: Huh, what? A movie starring a burly, masculine white man who’s a Viking seeking revenge? Blasphemy! We can’t have that in 2022! …Yeah, well. The movie was straightforward. The lore was great. The story was great. The resolution was great. And then it ends. You can make a basic, straightforward film and have it be well-written.

…I don’t need to say anything else. It’s a basic film executed very well and it cares about its plot and characters. Go see it.

Everything Everywhere All at Once: This is gonna go down as one of the best films I’ve seen this decade, and this decade only started. I’ve already talked extensively about how much I love this film and how this film does everything right that Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness did wrong. You can read the journal about it here. Go see the movie if you haven’t already.


The Black Phone: Same thing as The Northman. Basic plot, basic characters, basic resolution, and then it ends. It has this unique twist to it compared to other horror films, but at the end of the day, it’s a kidnapping film about a young boy trying to escape his captor. Once again, you do not need to be this over-extravagant money-fest bloated with CGI or part of some franchise to be good. You can make a standard film with a standard plot and people will be fine with that if it’s well-written, entertaining, and has its own stylish touches to it.

Mad God: Um…it’s a movie that has a plot that is almost non-existent? This movie, as I described to my friend, is the Scorn of films in 2022. It has exquisite and unique visuals and audio design, it took the creator a long-ass time to make, and it’s incredible to look at. It’s also a movie you’re going to love or a movie you’re going to hate. Still, I do recommend you check it out if you love stop-motion animation and don’t mind gore/nasty stuff.

NOPE: Unfortunately this movie wasn’t bad. Otherwise I could make some kind of lame-ass pun out of the title. Some people discover some kind of alien spaceship in a small desert town and decide to investigate. And then…things happen I won’t spoil. This is definitely a slow-burn film; the first hour is used to introduce/develop the plot and its characters, but shit doesn’t hit the fan until the second half. It’s a movie that expects you to pay attention to its themes and messages to understand why certain events happen and why certain characters make the choices they make. If you’re more into straightforward horror films, you probably won’t like it.

Bodies Bodies Bodies: What happens when you put seven Gen-Z young adults inside of a mansion with no power, no means of escape, and a dead body? You get this movie. Think of it as 2022’s answer to Unfriended, except it’s a lot funnier and not trying so hard to be scary. This movie really is a great takedown on the climate of what happens when you’re part of a gang of friends who really are not your friends and your friendship is tested in the worst way possible. This movie also is one of the few movies that has a misunderstanding plot executed perfectly. I don’t wanna spoil too much besides saying that this is the closest thing to an indie version of Scream that we’re gonna get.

Barbarian: What happens when you get the co-creator of Whitests Kids U Know to make a horror movie? You get something surprisingly refreshing and haunting, and darkly comical when it wants to be. This is gonna be pretty short because again, there’s a lotta shit that can be spoiled. Basically the movie is about a woman going into a house someone else is also renting, and then she finds a basement. And there are things and shiz in there… This movie is both a very unique and also seemingly unconventional and refreshing experience. Definitely recommend.

The Menu: A buncha rich and pretentious twats get invited to a fancy dinner at a fancy restaurant. And then some shit happens and things go south. Similar to some of the previous movies, I don’t wanna give away too much about the film besides explaining that the movie is a takedown of pretentious twats who don’t care about what they’re consuming, only that they’re consuming it. It’s also a very realistic, but seemingly exaggerated example of what happens when a person who loves their craft now sees their job as nothing but a soulless series of tasks and chores that are done for an unappreciative audience that takes advantage of them. The overall resolution of the movie is brilliant as well. This movie did a wonderful job of talking about pretentiousness and how people take advantage of workers without being pretentious and allowing its writer/director to make the movie they wanted.



FRANCHISE MOVIES

5cream: Okay, so you know how movies do the whole “AW MAH GAWD GUYS! REMEMBA THIS?!?! REMEMBA THIS?!?!?!?! AW FUCK!!! :O” 5cream doesn’t do that. Now yes, there are a couple nods here and there and yes, they bring back the three OG survivors Sidney Prescott, Dewey Riley, and Gale Weathers once again. But this movie went out of its way to make a whole new plot with its new cast of characters, and unlike Scream 4, they went out of their way to flesh out the major characters instead of just making them caricatures. This film also does something most movies don’t do, which is that instead of repeatedly reusing situations from previous installments, it sets up those situations and then subverts them in a way that feels new and unexpected. The opening of this movie, for starters, does something the other four movies did not do and they did it in a way to service both the plot and the main character’s development. My only biggest issue is that the film is self-indulgent—not as much as the fourth one, but it’s definitely still clear, especially in the third act.


Black Panther: Wakanda Forever: I dropped Marvel after Avengers: Endgame. Most of what the MCU has been putting out I don’t care about, I was disappointed by, or it’s been terrible. Regardless, I’m putting this up here. Yes, it’s an MCU film. Yes, I went in pessimistic and came out expecting to be disappointed. A lot of these kind of movies have felt like they’re just being churned out by a machine, and I say that as someone who did actually watch Doctor Strange 2 and did not like it. So I was genuinely surprised when I saw this movie and saw that it was very mature and respectful and touched upon complex themes that typically get botched in these movies. The humor is seriously toned down. The fight scenes are much more brutal and less flashy (kind of). The climax isn’t just “Evil Black Panther vs. Regular Black Panther!” Instead of all that, this movie deals with grief and how people process grief, and what happens when you let your grief transform into anger and how doing so will affect all the loved ones around you. I also loved how this movie ended, because given the subject matter, I feel like this movie needed to end the way that it did.

Encanto: Look, I know this came out in 2021, but I’m talking about it anyway damn it. >__> This movie does a very good job of showcasing the good side of Disney, of showing what happens when you take a simple premise and add a very stylish and colorful flare to it, of showing what happens when you make a soundtrack and every song included is a straight-up banger. This film (and the song “Surface Pressure” especially) spoke to me a lot because it talks about the burden of being “perfect” and what happens when people around you put way too much pressure on you simply because they know about and/or exploit your attributes and contributions to society. And also what it’s like to be treated differently because you don’t have certain attributes others do. I also love how it ended, which I won’t spoil because it’s great.


Turning Red: Okay! Another example of what happens when you see the good side of Disney or Pixar or Disney-Pixar or Dixar…whatever! :D So yeah, the movie is “cringe,” and the movie is “embarrassing,” but it’s about a thirteen-year-old girl going through puberty and emotions and experiencing what it’s like to grow up. Also she turns into a huggable floofy red panda. This movie is great as showing how smothering your child can be damaging in the long run, but it also showcases what happens if you “let your inner panda” take control for too long and let it get out of control. Both you and other people could get seriously hurt as a result. Which, again, is a metaphor for what happens if you let your emotions out of control. This is a movie you really should see with your entire family, as someone regardless of what generation they are can get something out of it.

Hellraiser: This movie should not have been good. At all. According to certain people on the Internet, this movie is “woke.” Female lead? Check. Gay supporting characters? Yep. Recasting an iconic character played by a white man with a transwoman instead? Got that too. Oh, and it’s a reboot made for “modern audiences.” So on paper, this movie should have failed. Except for one significant tiny detail.

The people who made this movie gave a shit about its characters and its plot and respecting the lore. This movie has an underlying theme about addiction, as the main character, Riley, is a recovering drug addict. And she unintentionally sets the eponymous Cenobites loose on the world after her brother tries unlock the box…thingy (I forgot its name; apologies >__<). And from that point, Riley and her friends and boyfriend must try to solve the deadly mysteries of the box in an attempt to get his brother back after he’s whisked away, all while being chased by Cenobites and while lots of nasty, gory, snuff-related forms of pain and pleasure are displayed throughout the film. Between the excellent acting, the costume and audio design, the fact that the movie fleshes out its characters, and how the movie ends on a surprisingly bleak but not overly depressing note, I was thoroughly impressed with how great this movie was. Definitely worth watching if you don’t mind gore.



Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio: Hey guys. You wanna watch a version of Pinocchio that’s animated in a unique style and was made by someone with a vision and has wondrous musical numbers and has Christoph Waltz playing one of the villains and is actually funny and isn’t trying to appeal to just the Gen Z crowd and is a mature movie kids and adults need to see and is a movie that doesn’t shy aware from gritty horror and death and is a movie that respectfully talks about morality and the concept of dying without glamorizing it simultaneously? Cool. Go watch this movie. Right now. Drop all the shit you’re doing, and watch this movie.

I’m not saying anything else. You need to experience this. And you need to understand why many people (myself included) are sick and tired of the same shit multibillion-dollar companies like Disney churn out of their factories. They’ve proven they can make movies like Encanto but they choose to remake classics.


So there you go. There’s a buncha movies that came out last year that were banging. Movies that I would highly recommend you all watch even if it’s not really your genre. …Maybe not Moonfall. Unless you’re into fun bad movies. XD

Twitter is dying?! Itaku on the rise?! Tumblr allows asses again?!

THE NEW SONIC GAME HAS LESS GLITCHES THAN THE NEW POKÉMON GAME?!

AWW MAH GAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWDDDDDDDD!!!! D:


So I made a Linktree. Anyone curious about all my orc stories and my orc side hustle business can find my orc-related social media websites here!

Orkon Orkz

That includes Twitter, Tumblr, and my Amazon page.

All my furry-related social media is already in my Contact Information section here.

"Are you leaving Twitter? Do you think it's gonna die?"

No. And no. At least not now. Everyone said Tumblr "died" after they got rid of porn. Look at it now.

"Are you getting Itaku?

No. Look, Itaku looks nice and all, but I feel like Itaku is currently just a dumping ground for artists to go to as a backup because of the Twitter issues. Remember when everyone jumped onto....um...

Fuck, what was that website....FurVilla?

I can't even remember--that's the point I'm trying to make. Point is, everyone said FA was gonna die, jumped ship to this website I forgot about. FA is still here. That website I'm trying to think of is in limbo. What's even more hysterical is that a lot of people who are wary about Twitter dying are making accounts on FA.

.....After a lotta people said FA was gonna die years ago. So. You know. :|

"Since you brought it up, are you playing Sonic Frontiers?"

After the price drops. I've heard it's actually not all that bad. But I played Spark the Electric Jester 3 earlier this year, which is very likely gonna be GOTY for me. Sooooooo yeah. If you like Sonic Frontiers, cool!

But also buy the Spark the Electric Jester trilogy. You will not be disappointed.

So yeah, that's about it. Not leaving Twitter. Here's some links to my orc shiz. Gonna go back to typing about orc asses and farts and shiz now.

Later.

It’s a generic “slasher” movie with a massive LGBTQ+ cast!

Yay?

RATING: 5/10

Okay let’s jump into it. The film focuses on Jordan, a teen/young adult who goes to a conversion camp alongside a bunch of other characters who are also within the LGBTQ+ group. Some are gay, some are lesbians, two are bisexual, one is transgender, and Jordan is non-binary. The camp is run by a bunch of counselors who are a group of middle-aged and/or old white people. They say that they approve of the teens/young adults’ lifestyles and that they aren’t trying to make them straight at all. They just want them to accept themselves and be happier with their lives. Because they absolutely are genuinely nice people.

“Jake, are the villains of the movie the old white people?”

If you’re already asking that question, then you know the answer.

So the movie starts off fine. The cast is divided off to the boys and girls. Everyone opens up during a group therapy session, exposing why they’re all there and that they all want to be happy. Or they want their parents’ approval. Or that their parents made them a deal to take them to a concert or something of that nature. Some even came willingly. Everyone starts bonding, but then things get…weird. And Jordan looks around the camp and finds some…secrets. And then things turn into emotional and mental and psychological torture. And eventually bad things happen and shit hits the fan in the last fifteen minutes!

“But I thought this was a slasher movie?”

Yeah that’s not important. The movie really isn’t a slasher; it’s a drama movie with some horror elements sprinkled in as well as a dash of revenge. Ultimately this movie is about the struggles of all these teens/young adults trying to keep their sanity in this camp. Because eventually some of the counselors start doing things that fuck with the teens’ minds and may or may not be blatantly homophobic and/or transphobic.

There are scenes that are gonna trigger people in this movie, just gonna put that out there now. There’s one scene involving a dog; one particular shower scene; one scene where someone sexually harasses another person. Which I actually appreciated, because it’s a female-on-female scene, and both women in question are very standard, pretty, young women. The scene is not played for laughs; the scene is not shot to look sexy; it is absolutely as horrifying as it would be if a man sexually harassed a woman or another man. And that’s really rare to see depicted in film nowadays.

There’s a song number…um. I kind of liked it? It kinda just happens but I thought it was kinda cute, and the overall point behind it.

There’s one plot twist that I didn’t expect, but when it happened, I just went like “Oh, okay.” And it applies to the conversion therapy plot, not the slasher plot.

…You know it’s weird. I’m sitting here making this review and had all this shit planned out to say, but now there’s really not a whole lot to be said. And I feel like that’s the problem with this movie. I don’t think people will be talking about the film itself. They’re going to talk around the film. This was another film that was blatantly promoted and created to fool you into thinking it’s a slasher flick, when it clearly is not. Yeah, some people get murdered, but that’s not until the last twenty minutes. Yeah, what happens in the movie is horrifying, but except for one scene of torture, nothing in the film really goes all out. And when you find out who the killer is, all the tension in the movie goes away because you know who they’re gonna target.

So basically you have a movie about conversion therapy. And that part of the film is actually rather good! I liked the first hour of the film with how it set up the characters and all their personal flaws and dilemmas. But when bodies start dropping, all that shit is thrown out the door and it becomes a whodunit plot with the most obvious reveal ever. And the movie ends on a message of “No one is gonna tell us who we are anymore. We’re gonna live our lives the way we wanna and no homophobes or transphobes are gonna stop us!”

And I’m all like:

“…Okay so we’re not gonna acknowledge that a chunk of people just died? No? That was completely irrelevant and didn’t need to be in the film? Okay cool.”

I dunno what else to say. It’s a drama about people being sent to a conversion therapy camp. Lots of triggering scenes happen. Characters who are old and white are revealed to be hypocritical, homophobic, and/or transphobic. There’s an obvious killer on the loose. The killer’s identity is obvious. The people who get killed off in the movie are obvious. The killer’s motivation is obvious. The outcome of the climax is obvious. The resolution and moral of the film is obvious. And because the film had to be a slasher and it got in the way of everything that had been set up beforehand, I just walked away from this movie going “Okay…so what the fuck? What was the point of all this?”

I feel like this review is a metaphor for the film itself. For a movie with so many triggering and controversial subjects and topics, at the end of the day, I don’t have much to say that isn’t blatantly apparent that any average moviegoer has seen before done better. I actually saw a review online while making this review and even he pointed out that the film itself contradicts its own message. The film preaches that you shouldn’t be afraid of who or what you are and live proudly, yet the movie is too afraid to be an actual horror film despite marketing itself as one.

So yeah, those are my thoughts. Would I recommend you see this film?

Um…

…

…No. Unless you wanna see a “horror” movie comprised with a massive LGBTQ+ cast. But even then, this movie is Peacock exclusive. So if you don’t have Peacock and don’t feel like using a week-free trial just to see this movie, or you just don’t feel like making another account for another streaming service, then skip it.

Like I said earlier, nothing this movie did personally offended me. It’s just bland. And after seeing Antebellum, a movie that makes me livid whenever I bring it up and is one of the most offensive movies I’ve seen in my entire life, They/Them could’ve been so, so much worse. And at least now there’s a slasher movie out there where most of the cast is prominently in the LGBTQ+ group.

Regardless of how you feel about the movie, that’s something.

Today I’m gonna do something incredibly rare! I’m gonna defend a massive blockbuster movie that everyone hates and condemn another blockbuster movie that you should hate!

JURASSIC WORLD REVIEW: 6/10.

JURASSIC WORLD DOMINION REVIEW: EXTINCT/10.

Full disclosure, did not pay for this film. Saw a bootleg copy of it. Not giving money to this crap.

“Tyk, why are you reviewing this movie? You know you hate it. We know you hate it. You hated the last one. We all know this is gonna be a journal about you ranting about the decline of Hollywood films. Why are you wasting your time?”

Because I want to. Because I can. Because what I’m doing isn’t illegal. Because this is the Internet, where everyone can apparently do whatever they want and just say “Free speech” or some shit. Because I know this movie is going to make shitloads of money. Because I know people are going to see this film and defend it even though they know it’s bad and not admit that it’s bad and then plead for more movies.

I need you to understand this isn’t about just me ranting about this new film, nor is it about me criticizing the state that movies are in. This is precisely why I’m gonna compare/contrast this to Jurassic World. And yes, I believe I reviewed Jurassic World in the past; you can actually look at it here. And yes, I do remember giving that movie a different score and much more praise back then. This was back when I was much younger and this was back before Hollywood was milking and/or destroying every single old-school franchise to the bone. This was back when I was willing to defend movies of this caliber. And I am here today to tell you that yes, I will still defend this movie.

“But Tyk, Jurassic World is objectively stupid.”

The second half is stupid. But for me personally, I think the first half is…it’s very self-aware and meta, and I do appreciate that.

“But Tyk, you said you hate it when movies do that shit. So you’re a hypocrite now.”

This is what makes Jurassic World very frustrating. Because the movie feels like it’s criticizing Hollywood and what they do to franchises like this. The movie’s bigger. It’s “better.” It’s badder. It’s scarier. It’s more overblown. There’s more dinosaurs. There’s more dino action, more explosions, more special effects, more deaths, more blood—there’s just more. And…well, that’s the point. This is what the writers, directors, everyone involved in the film were told to do. They were told to make another Jurassic Park film, but one catered to modern day audiences. And back in the mid-2010s, this was what people wanted. So this is the movie that was made. It made lots of money. Ordinary moviegoers—myself included—had a fun time with it. But then you have people coming along with all sorts of criticisms.

“This movie isn’t as good as the first.”

“This movie is just redoing the first film again.”

“None of the characters are as engaging.”

“The movie doesn’t take time to flesh out its characters.”

“The fact that this movie exists in spite of what happened in the last three films is stupid.”

And my response to any and virtually all of these criticisms are these four words:

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

People wanted a newer film; they wanted a bigger film; they wanted more dinosaurs; they wanted more action; they wanted more carnage. …So they got that. The end. I feel like the creators should’ve known this would be the reaction to this film. And the scene that really resonated with me was when the new CEO who runs Jurassic World, Simon Masrani, confronted Dr. Henry Wu and went all like “Why in gods name did you create the Indominous Rex? What the fuck is wrong with you?! Who told you to do this?! Why did you do this?!”

And Dr. Wu just goes like:

“Um…you did. I made this dinosaur because you told me to. Bigger. Scarier? Um, cooler I believe is the word you used in your memo! You cannot have an animal with exaggerated predator features without the corresponding behavioral traits!”

I’m actually gonna link to the scene so you can see the full context of it.

Look I’m not saying various aspects of the film aren’t stupid as fuck—because they are. But I watch a scene like this and my brain immediately goes like “Okay, good! Someone who wrote this film had to have known they needed to keep some of the themes from the original film intact and they are simply applying those themes to how this would all play out in the modern era!”

And honestly, I kind of love that. Kind of. Jurassic World is treated as an amusement park—because it is. People are getting bored of dinosaurs because they aren’t special anymore—because they aren’t. People constantly demand more—because they do. This movie is a product of its time because of what the time period expected from it. And that’s what we got. So when the Indominous Rex inevitably gets loose and it starts rampaging and killing people, is it really fair to put all the blame on the people who created the Indominous Rex when they were told to create it in the first place?


“Tyk, you can say whatever you want to about the hows and whys behind how the film got made. It doesn’t change the fact that the movie is stupid and spends more time focusing on showing us all the carnage that was a result of the characters’ stupid actions.”

AND THEREIN LIES MY PROBLEM WITH THIS MOVIE. X__X

The movie wants to tell us that its existence is stupid and not a good idea. That’s perfectly fine. But then dinosaurs start rampaging around the park and the reason why is because the humans were being stupid. The Indominous Rex is freed because Clare told some people to go inside her pen when she went missing because they thought she climbed over the wall. In spite of the fact that the dinosaur has a tracker imbedded into her back. So Clare panicked, told people to go into the pen, and then waited until after they were in the pen to say “Oh shit, check the tracker!”

At which point they realize she is still in the pen. And then they run out the gate. And then the dinosaur escapes. And my brain was all like “Okay…so you’re telling me, you could’ve just checked the dinosaur’s location by examining her tracker first, but you chose to not do that. Okay. >__>”

And then the third act happens and the moustache-twirling villain who wants to weaponize dinosaurs goes all like “Hey, I got an idea! We’re gonna use four tiny-ass velociraptors to hunt down and kill the Indominous Rex even though a bunch of men with machine guns and assault rifles couldn’t do it, and we’re not gonna worry about the animals turning on us!”

Oh what’s that? The dinosaurs are turning on the good guys and munching up all the militarymen and all of them die except Blue when they try to take out the Indominous Rex? Well, fuck mah titties! I did not see that coming!

But it’s fine, because the evil people all die, and then the civilians are all saved and blah blah blah, movie’s over. Nevertheless, I will still fully defend this film in spite of all the problems I have with it.

…If they had not made two sequels.

Jurassic World felt like a genuine commentary about the state of Hollywood with their remakes and soft reboots. And similar to Spec Ops: The Line, you could say that how they executed their overall means was hypocritical. And in a sense, it was. But then you have Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, which is not self-aware at all, took all of the stupidity from the first film, double-downed on it, and filled it with greed and hatred. Jurassic World, despite all of its flaws, does at least feel like it was trying to pay some homage to the original film, even though it went about it in very stupid ways. Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom feels like it was created to destroy everything the original movie represented. It felt like the creators were saying “Hey, fuck the original. Fuck what you like. Fuck everything about you. This is what we’re doing now. It’s all about money. Nothing else. You’re gonna sit on your ass and deal with it.”

And I did. And I almost broke down sobbing in the theater. Thankfully I watched The Incredible 2 directly afterwards. I’ve seen a lot of people say that The Last Jedi was a movie created by someone who hates the Star Wars films. And while my opinions on that movie are more positive and I don’t share those opinions, I understand where you’re coming from. And I kind of don’t blame you.

So now this all leads to Jurassic World Dominion. And now is the time for me to share my thoughts on the movie.

I DON’T CARE.

“Well obviously you do, otherwise you wouldn’t have wasted all this time making this journal.”

I mean…I can tell you about the film I guess.

Uhhhhh, so it’s two movies wrapped up in one. One half of the film is about Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard’s characters trying to rescue Blue’s baby and their surrogate daughter, Maisie. You know, the clone bitch who caused the plot of this movie to happen. She’s an emo teen now. And also this movie’s macguffin. The second half of the film is about Dr. Ellie Sattler and Dr. Alan Grant trying to uncover this mysterious conspiracy about giant locusts that are destroying crops all around the world.

…Oh. Also there’s dinosaurs everywhere.


This isn’t a Jurasic Park or even a Jurassic World movie. This is a generic conspiracy film mixed with a generic kidnapping film where the good guys need to rescue their kidnapped child. But then they threw dinosaurs into the mix and slapped the Jurassic World logo onto its brand.

So Alan Grant and Ellie Sattler do some investigation shiz and find out the evil big bad is Discount Steve Jobs. At the end of the movie, Discount Steve Jobs gets eaten by dinosaurs—because that always has to happen. Old characters come back, because that needs to happen. Christ Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard’s characters get involved with action stuff. They go to a foreign country. More action happens. Some bad dudes get munched on. And then the heroes find their daughter and escape. Happy ending.

…Oh. Also the dinosaurs suddenly learn to coexist with humans and other animals, despite it being the film’s major plot point early on and despite the fact that after four years, dinosaurs were causing a huge problem with the ecosystem.

They do the thing. You know, the referencing thing. They say the lines. You know, the lines from the original. They recreate shots. You know, the ones from the original. There’s CGI. There’s scary shit. More things happen. The heroes survive very contrived situations that should have killed them because the plot needs them to not die. There’s a point where a plane is about to crash and when Chris Pratt asks “What’s the plan?!” the lady next to him goes like “Whatever happens.” The same plane crashes but there’s only one parachute. Pterodactyls are attacking the plane but Bryce Dallas Howard ejects anyway. They attack her parachute but she lives. Two people are attacked on a fragile frozen lake, but they don’t die. Turn your brain off. It’s not important. Nobody dies. Except the bad guys. I can’t even praise this movie in that retrospect. Say what you want about Jurassic World; at least they killed Simon Masrani, a character who, despite his naivety, was very sympathetic and literally died trying to stop the Indominous Rex. And let’s not forget how Zara got drowned and then devoured alive. Nobody really cared but at least they had the balls to do it. There are many situations where someone should have died in this movie.

But they don’t.

Except the villains.

Because fuck tension, right?

“Tyk, you said earlier that you expected Jurassic World to be the movie it turned out to be. Why are you shitting on this movie when you should’ve expected its outcome?”

Because I expected this movie to be about dinosaurs. You know, like the trailers advertised? Like the previous two movies was building up to? But no, the main plot point is locusts are destroying crops, and a teenage girl gets kidnapped and the parents gotta rescue her. Say whatever the fuck you want about Jurassic World. At the end of the day, its main plot point was that a big bad dinosaur escapes and wreaks havoc, it talks about how people are still trying to play God, trying to tame dinosaurs, etc. With this movie, if you remove the dinosaurs from the movie altogether, very few things would change. There’s a tense scene of Chris Pratt’s character driving through a city being chased by dinos on a motorbike. I envisioned the dinosaurs just being masked evil men wearing all black and helmets covering their faces. Almost nothing about the scene changed whatsoever. Even with Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, the main plot point of that film was about the dinosaurs. Even that shit-fuck of a film made that its main focus.

This is the point I’m making here. They don’t even care about making a proper blockbuster film that they’re advertising! You wanna make a stupid-ass blockbuster film where we have to shut off our brain, fine, whatever. Make the film you’re advertising it to be. Give us a stupid-ass film where dinosaurs are just roaming around the world eating people and you gotta bring back the old-school characters or some shit. Sure, whatever—do it. This movie could not even do that. They just slapped some dinosaurs around in the scenes so they could say this is a new Jurassic World movie when it’s really two generic action films cobbled together with dinosaurs thrown in.

Here’s my thing about the Jurassic World trilogy. The first movie wasn’t as good as the original, but it was still good—and I will still defend that notion. The second movie broke me…it broke me. I felt nothing but sadness for the state of this franchise and other franchises as a whole. This movie invoked the worst emotion of all time.

ENNUI.


And this right here is why I’m making this journal. Not because I’m angry or sad or smugly glad about the state these movies are in. It’s because a franchise that I cared about so deeply is now a franchise I’m not only done with, but a franchise I don’t even care about anymore. This is where I’m at now. I have hit the final stage of grief. Acceptance. This franchise has been flushed down the toilet. People will pay money to see it. It’ll probably get more sequels or spin-offs. And I can’t do anything about it.

But I can implore you to stop giving money to these kind of products.


I need you all to understand that the people who created this movie did not care. They don’t have to care—why should they? You’re gonna pay money for it; they expect you to pay money for it. They don’t even expect you to care; they expect you to pay for this film so they can get rich and then they can keep making more money and shitting out inferior products that will make them more money. And I am telling you all right now, if you keep paying money for these movies, this will keep happening. We’re gonna keep getting movies that invoke not even a sense of hatred or sadness, but apathy. We’re gonna reach a point where people create movies for the sake of making movies, and people will watch movies because they don’t know what to do with their money. So they’re gonna say “Oh hey, I guess we’ll watch this movie. Oh, I watched the movie. I’m going home now.”

But hey, don’t listen to me. Listen to all these other five-star reviews from ordinary audience members and moviegoers.


“It was great and love it.”

“Loved all the old characters. And the new ones.”

“Love it! Can’t wait for the next one!”

“Awesome movie. It was really nice to se all the old actors back together and all the new dinosaurs were great. It was a great creature film. One I could watch again and again.”

“Great never a dull moment.”

“Was a fantastic movie, well done and it was great to see some of the original cast brought back! Highly recommend this movie!”

“Loved how this pulled EVERYTHING together and tied up all of the loose ends from the first 5 movies of the series!”

“The movie was awesome! Great for the whole family.”

“Loved 3-D and how you bright people from each movie together in one. And my favorite was blue and her baby . That would of set it over the top if she and baby counter acted like a pet with them only of course.”

“Action pack with a wonderful message.”

“Im a fan of Jurassic Park. Loved seeing the old and new cast together. Sad its over.”

“Jurassic World Dominion was amazing. Honestly just as good as the first one. It was really good to see the original trio, but this movie is definitely worth paying to see. It's absolutely incredible!!”

“Movie was a combination of all the past Movies related to Jurassic Park”

…That literally does not say anything about the film’s quality. :/

“What I loved about the movie is everything”

“There were dinosaurs :D”

Okay. …And?

“my son of 11 years old he said the best movie.”

“Good film but not much in the way of dominant animals or world domination by dinosaurs.”

“The t-rex stood back up like the undertaker lol”

“If you didn’t have fun with this movie you have a huge dump in your pants”

“Don't listen to the critics. They're a bunch of nerds. Just a good escapism movie. Some things didn't make sense but it's not the worst Jurassic movie.”

“Don’t listen to the critics. Movie was amazing”

“the dinosaurs slid into my dms”

The fuck? O__o

“Ignore the haters out there. This is a movie for the Fans, not snob nosed critics who think they know it all!!!”

“I liked how it introduced new dinosaurs. The Dolby sound made it a movie to remember.”

“the action the actors”

the thing the things. Five stars.

“I loved that blue was still able to find owen!!”

“When the Therazineasauras and T.Rex battled the Giganatosauraus.”

The thing fought the thing. Again, five stars.

“It was a great movie & I didnt fall asleep”

Ah, good. Glad the movie kept you awake with its noises. Five stars.

“I love how the movie has something involved with the sets you own, the deaths are satisfying and the fight is really good! I don’t care about the criticism from other people, I still thing Jurassic World Dominion is a good movie”

Ooh! Here’s a lowly half-star review I found.

“A strong cast of favorites all coming together for the first time can't save a terrible script and a weak plot. I don't know which were more incompetent: the ferocious dinos that couldn't catch their prey, or the "head bad guy" that was sub-standard and over-the-top pathetic. They wrap up part of the plot in a voice-over scene because it was clearly too big to resolve on-screen. It's two hours of made-for-TV quality nonsense riding the wave of a good franchise. Go out to dinner instead and wait for this to hit network TV. You're not missing anything.”

Here’s a three-star review I kinda agree with.

“it was ok. i liked the throwbacks and nods to the previous movies, but the story line didn't seem really there - I get the locusts were bad but it was really just a bunch of people running around trying to get away from the dinosaurs. The storyline with Blue could have been a little better too - maybe go more into detail about that. same with the Mazie line - there was so much potential that wasn't fleshed out to a point that would have made for a GOOD movie.”


So yeah. Those are my thoughts. I’m not saying you shouldn’t see this film if you’re morbidly curious. I’m saying do not pay money for it. Because whether or not you hate the movie, you’re just encouraging its apathetic creators to continue making apathetic films until all you feel is apathy and you’re conditioned to simply accept that as entertainment.


All this being said, a dinosaur ate a dude on a scooter.

Five stars.

It’s rare for a movie to make me cry in the theater…forgot how good of a feeling that can be.

“You loved Doctor Strange 2 that much?”

Aren’t you a funny bitch?

EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALL AT ONCE RATING: 10/FUCK YOU.

DOCTOR STRANGE IN THE MULTIVERSE OF MADNESS RATING: IT’S ANOTHER ONE/10.

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness is another Marvel movie. Before I continue I will link to a journal of my thoughts on previous MCU films. As well as my review of Avengers: Infinity War and my review of Avengers: Endgame. Keep that in mind going forward when I share my thoughts. To be fair some of these opinions may have changed a bit. I fully acknowledge I may have been a bit too cynical with Doctor Strange and Thor: Ragnarok and may rewatch both of those films at some point in the future. But overall, this is how I feel about all the MCU films I’ve seen so far. Anyway, back to this.

Everything Everywhere All at Once is the latest film by the Daniels. Basically it’s a movie about a middle-aged Chinese immigrant named Evelyn Wang who has a very hectic life. She left her parents to be with the man she loved—Wayland—and spurned them in the process. She runs a laundromat and is heavily in debt. Her daughter, Joy, is a lesbian—something she’s seemingly iffy about, and something she knows her father won’t approve of. And even worse, because of how hectic and demanding her life is, her husband is having thoughts about getting divorced. Anyways, while doing her taxes on day, she finds out that she may or may not have the ability to experience an alternate version of herself in another universe…

Okay! Now let’s segway into how Doctor Strange 2 starts.

AW SHIT! LOOKIT ALL THIS CGI! MUTHAFUCKA LOOKIT ALL THIS SHIT! LOOKIT ALL THIS SHIT! AAAAWWWWWWWWWW MAH GOD. AWWWWWWWWWWWWW MAH GAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWD!!!

All right anyway, this movie takes place…in the future. After the whole Avengers: Endgame thing. It actually starts off kinda interesting, with Doctor Stephen Strange having to accept the fact that he chose to be a superhero protecting Earth from malicious threats as opposed to being with Christine, his love interest. It’s actually a bit compelling, seeing him at his former lover’s marriage—

AW FUCK MAH TITTIES! OCTOPUS ALIEN! FUCK MAH ASS! AW MAH GAWD! AW MAH GAWD-DAMN! LOOKIT ALL THIS SHIT! LOOKIT ALL THIS CGI SHIT! MOTHER FUCK MAH TITTIES! AWWWWWWWWWWW MAH GAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWDDDDDDD!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Oh yeah Wanda Maximoff / Scarlet Witch is evil now and she wants to kidnap some chick named America Chavez to get her powers.

…Oh there’s a bovine-headed sorcerer. He looks cute.

This is…going to be interesting. Because I’m not gonna say much about Everything Everywhere All at Once because I don’t wanna spoil anything. You need to see this film at least once in your life. It starts off as being this fish-out-of-water story where a woman has to switch to alternate universes of herself in order to gain certain skills—skills she must use to stop this dreaded evil that threatens to destroy all alternate universes across the cosmos. But by exploring these universes, she sees alternate versions of her life…better versions of her life. A version where she’s rich and famous, but unmarried. A version where she becomes a skilled and renowned chef. A version where she has hot dogs for fingers. XD And it’s…it’s very thought-provoking. Because you reflect on your current life and realize it’s a similar concept, where there are thousands—millions—of versions of yourself that have gone down a different path.

But are you happier in these alternate lives? Are you okay knowing that you gave up something in your current life to achieve your other life? …Is your other life better than the one you’re current living? Do you believe any forms of happiness can occur in your lives or is it all some façade? Is it possible to be happy just by choosing to be happy, by being a kind and helpful person in spite of what universe you’re in?

Did I mention this movie’s very funny? It’s very funny. XD There’s a kickass scene involving a fanny-pack I’m not gonna spoil. There’s a parody of Ratatouille. Except…it’s not. XD There’s a scene involving trophies. You will understand what I mean when you see the film.

You see I went into Everything Everywhere All at Once expecting to see this incredibly trippy-ass sci-fi film! And that’s what I got! I was not expecting all the surprisingly well-choreographed action sequences and the improvised use of scenery people used to attack others with (including a SPOILER XD). I was…not expecting the film to be as emotional as it was. I was not expecting the film to be as existential as it was. I was not expecting to start crying in the theater because I started contemplating about my own life, about what kind of person I would be if my parents hadn’t gotten divorced, if I never found FA, if I was still dating Isle, if I hadn’t met some of the wonderful people that I know now…

“That’s all cool, JT. Get back to Doctor Strange!”

Hmm? Oh yeah. Um…well there’s lots of CGI. And then more CGI. Several background characters with no names die. More CGI happens. And then more CGI stuff. Mm…oh, comedy joke-jokes comedy jokes. Uh…oh more CGI. And CGI. Oh there’s the scene that is emotional and I have to cry now. But no. Mm…oh, plot twist. Ehhh, some cameos of other superheroes. Mm…

Mm…mm. CGI. Talking. CGI.


Okay so, I’ll give credit where it’s due. I really do like what they did with Stephen Strange. I didn’t like him in the first movie all that much, but I do like what they did here to some degree. Like Everything Everywhere All at Once, it explores the possibility of Strange having to deal with not being with Christine. And it’s something he…doesn’t exactly regret per say, but he has that lingering thought of “This could have worked…but it didn’t.”

Also on that note, I’ll give props to the fact that this is largely Wanda Maximoff’s motivation behind becoming evil. She just wants to be in a universe where she’s a mother and has two loving kids. And I get where she’s coming from to a degree. It’s a shame that I need to watch WandaVision beforehand to understand what led up to this, which I did not do. Because I do not have Disney+ and don’t wanna get it right now. And I was not aware you needed to watch a TV series to understand why one of the superheroes is now evil. I saw the first film; that should be enough. But I guess it’s not. BECAUSE FUCK ME, RIGHT? :D

I like some of the death scenes in Doctor Strange 2. Some of them are incredibly graphic, even for a PG-13 film. Someone gets cut in half; an alien has its eye popped out (onscreen), a man’s head explodes, someone is disintegrated and turned into subatomic particles, etc. At the same time, almost all of them fall flat. We’re supposed to be shocked by these characters dying, but no one in the film is really shocked by it. We’re supposed to care about these characters dying because “AW MAH GAWD! THIS WELL-KNOWN SUPERHERO JUST DIED!” But this superhero only appears in this film, has about five minutes of screentime, does nothing, and then dies. And they’re from an alternate universe, so what does it matter anyways?

The first fifteen minutes of this film opens with two overblown CGI fight scenes. One ends with an alternate version of Stephen Strange getting impaled and dying. The other scene involves current-day Stephen Strange fighting a colossal octopus eldritch monstrosity in the middle of a very public city block. But no one is killed, onlookers stand by and watch with glee, and the movie still ends up breaking the tension with comedy.

Why am I supposed to care? Why am I supposed to care about feeling any sort of tension or dread or terror at any point in the film when the movie opens with what was essentially the actual climax of The Suicide Squad and The Avengers?

“Because it’s the Multiverse JT! They’re doing new things and shiz!”

I’m going to be very, very blunt here. Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness is an overblown, bloated, CGI mess that expects you to have kept up with everything that has happened in the MCU up until this point. Missed out on Avengers: Infinity War and Avengers: Endgame? Fuck you! Missed out on WandaVision, a TV series that is exclusive to Disney+, a streaming service you have to pay money for? Fuck you!

I think what also seriously pisses me off is that towards the end of the film, Doctor Strange meets an alternate version of himself that became evil because he chose not to be with Christine. But Doctor Strange kills him rather easily. You had your film right there! You could’ve made this film be about Doctor Strange teaming up with Doctor Strange to stop some “unknown” threat! But then halfway into the film, it’s revealed that the threat is the alternate Strange himself. And the second half of the movie would be Strange having to not only defeat his evil version, but finally accepting his inner demons.

Instead, we got Wanda being evil because trauma and she’s a mommy who wants kids.

Contrast this to Everything Everywhere All at Once, where most of the plot is about a woman coming to terms with her own personal dilemmas and the effect it has on her family, and her struggling constantly to stop the “evil threat” that plagues the alternate universes, even though SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER AND SPOILER. This movie was emotional when it absolutely did not need to be, and I respect it for that. And you don’t need to see anything beforehand to understand what’s happening. Doctor Strange 2 is supposed to be emotional but I didn’t really care. Everything Everywhere All at Once was funny as all hell—to the point where I’m not even going to spoil what the jokes are or why they are funny. I didn’t even chuckle with Doctor Strange 2.

Doctor Strange 2 didn’t…you know what, no. Fuck it. I’m gonna say it. Doctor Strange 2 didn’t even handle diversity as good as Everything Everywhere All at Once did. Now obviously I’m not saying that Stephen Strange needed to be transgender or African-American—no, I don’t mean that. What I’m saying is that Doctor Strange 2 has multiple minority characters in it and almost all of them are side characters, in the background, and/or they die and literally no one cares. Even America Chavez spends most of the movie being a damsel in distress until the plot needs her to activate her powers. Oh, and she has two moms. Which I’m fine with, until you realize they are onscreen for thirty seconds, say almost nothing, and then get sucked into a portal and presumably die. All four lead characters in Everything Everywhere All at Once are well-developed, well-written Asian or Asian-American characters. And Evelyn’s daughter, Joy, who is one of these four characters, is openly homosexual. So yeah, just to contrast these two films even further.


Go see Everything Everywhere All at Once as soon as you can. I don’t know if it’s still in theaters, but if it is, see it now before it’s too late. It’s been out for a very long time so it might be leaving theaters soon.

I’m not gonna tell you whether or not you should see Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness for one of two reasons. The first is because you’ve probably seen it already. The second is because it’s another MCU film. And that’s all I need to say. This one’s a lot less comedic compared to your usual MCU film and it has a lot of disturbing imagery, monsters, and deaths in it, but besides that, it’s nothing new. You got your comedy joke-jokes comedy jokes, you got “the scene” that’s sad and you gotta cry, you got the motivational speech during the climax that needs to happen because motivation, you got the Big Bad who is taken out by the end of the film, you got side characters who die and you’re allegedly supposed to care, you got CGI and CGI and CGI and CGI and CGI and CGI and CGI and CGI and CGI and CGI and CGI and—

“But JT! The post-credit—”

Don’t know, don’t care.

“But you paid money for a movie you said you don't like supporting! That's hypocritical!”

No I didn't. Saw it through "other means" without paying for it. I definitely saw Everything Everywhere All at Once in theaters and paid for it though.


I’m not saying it’s wrong of you to support MCU films. I’m not saying they’re all trash and I want MCU films to just go die in a fire. But at this point, MCU has become so formulaic that it’s hurting the series, not helping it. And it’s because we keep getting a new MCU…thing every other month or so. So when you keep pumping out similar stuff all the time but change up some characters and locations, it’s all gonna feel very…stale. I know “that one guy” infamously said Marvel movies are akin to amusement park rides. And while I don’t…necessarily agree to an extent, look at it this way. When the MCU started, it was an amusement park filled with all sorts of rides! Some of them were excellent. Some of them were good. Some were kinda boring. Some broke down before you could ride them and you got pissed off. But overall, you had fun with it!

But now it feels like all we’re getting are roller-coasters. And that’s fine and all, but…sometimes I wanna ride other rides. Especially when some of the roller-coasters behave similarly but are just painted differently. And I feel like the MCU—and possible all blockbuster films as a whole—is just gonna be an amusement park full of roller-coasters…I don’t want that. But those are the rides that get the most attraction and it’s the one ride people always talk about, so Marvel is probably gonna keep building roller-coasters. Because that’s what the majority keep asking for.


All I’m saying is that every so often, go out your comfort zone. You don’t always have to ride a roller-coaster. You don’t always have to go to the amusement park. Go see some musical. See a cosmic horror film. See an artsy-fartsy film everyone is saying is great. I’m not saying all these films are good—they aren’t. Some are overrated. Some are boring as all fuck. Some make you hate all the characters and not care by the end (I see you Midsommar). But sometimes, you get shit like Uncut Gems. Shit like Hereditary. Shit like Everything Everywhere All at Once.

And it’s always incredible, or at least interesting, to see what filmmakers can produce when they care about more than just how flashy and CGI-riddled their film is.

Playing Elden Ring.

No, but seriously, I've been busy with a lot of shit. Um, the main thing (besides working of course) is that I've finally decided to start writing books!

I'm still learning shiz here and there about everything, but more or less I've been self-publishing stuff as eBooks over on Amazon. Some months back I posted a preview to one of my books, which is mainly about an orc farting and farty-orc shiz and what have you. And most recently I released another, longer novel called Tusks in the City, which is a lot less fetishy but still has a lot of orc sex and other erotica content in it.

But the bottom line is that I've finally started self-publishing stuff!


Most of it is just gonna be related to fantasy lore, urban fantasy stuff, and orc/goblin content. I'm not sure if I'll publish furry content on Amazon--at least not at the moment. My whole intent is creating lots of orc and fantasy content with a storyline behind it, as opposed to just "Here's some sexy orc shiz!" spread out over multiple pages. Which I'm perfectly fine with but I prefer having more of a plot and some development with what I create. There's some erotica on Amazon that's three dollars and the books in question are just short stories that boil down to "Some orcs bang a princess. She enjoys it even though it's technically rape." And I basically want to avoid doing that because if that was the case, I could post stories like that here on FA. I did that myself a few years back but that story basically went nowhere, so I decided it was best not to repeat that mistake again.


Some of the books are gonna be silly and mostly loaded with toilet humor (Orson the Odorous Orc for one) while others are gonna delve more into serious stuff with plot and character development and what's considered taboo and what isn't and whether or not being too sexually-driven is a bad thing (Tusks in the City and its sequels).


Sooooooo yeah! I've already published a preview of Orson the Odorous Orc of the first chapter here if you'd like to read it. And I'll probably post a preview of Tusks in the City in a couple days too.


Anyways, if anyone is curious to check out the current books under my roster, check out my stories under the moniker Orkon Orkz!

And check out OdorousOrkz for some more info.

May or may not have a follow-up journal later on about specific details. Namely about publishing soft and/or hardcover books (which I'm still figuring out).

Terrible job, Supershit. You really fucked that one up badly.

“JT, stop being mean to me! I am like eight!”

I’M REALLY FUCKIN’ TRYING, FNAF! BUT STEEL-WOOL RELEASED A BROKEN GAME THAT’S FORTY DOLLARS!

RATING: BROKEN/10

Okay so I’m not a huge FNAF nut like many members of the fanbase are. I do not get excited every time a new FNAF game is announced. I do not draw porn of a FNAF character whenever they’re first shown in the trailer.

I played the first game. Thought it was groundbreaking and phenomenal!

Played the sequel. Not as good, but still great.

Played the third one. Was the least scary and my least favorite.

Played the fourth one. Was also damn good.

And then for several years I basically just stopped. I had no interest in Sister Location and I thought about playing Pizzeria Simulator, but never got around to it. And I am not playing Help Wanted because I do not want to die of a heart attack before I’m thirty. :D

Insert Security Breach, a game I wasn’t all that interested in, but I was curious to see how it would continue the franchise. When I heard that the game has all new mechanics and behaves like Outlast, I was intrigued. And then I saw some of the character designs. And then the game suddenly dropped. And I was all like, “Fuck it. Haven’t played a FNAF game in years. I am ready for Freddy. ”

So I bought the game.  islethewolf watched me stream it over Discord. And it was phenomenal! It was loads of fun! It was super tense and scary and the world building was great! The whole concept was awesome, what with the kid Gregory, the player character, hiding inside of Freddy to avoid danger and all the other animatronics trying to seek you out and kill you because of a glitch in their system.

All the character designs and personalities are gorgeous. Freddy is an adorable himbo; Monty is very sultry and wants to fuck everything; Roxy is a narcissistic bitch with self-esteem issues; Chica…actually wound up being one of my faves! I was never really a big fan of Chica, but this is the first game where I loved her character design and her overall new clothing scheme and personality. Monty and Roxy wanna kill you; Freddy is your friend; Chica is just doing her job. And certain things that happen to her later on upset me. Sun/Moon is arguably the best designed character in the game, and so much thought went into his personality and overall figure. Not to mention the Moon segment is one of the scariest parts of the whole game. DJ Music Man and the whole arcade segment is the best part of the whole game that I loved. There’s a super secret character in a certain ending with a bitchin’ new look. Vanny is a seemingly disturbing new bun-bun villain who hippity-hops her way towards you to kill you.

The gameplay is great. Like Outlast, you can’t fight back (for the most part). You can only run and hide. The animatronics are smart enough to look in hiding spots though sometimes. There’s these security bots you gotta avoid, because if they see you, they’ll spawn an animatronic to come kill you. You gotta look at the Endo-skeletons to keep them from sprinting towards you—which is tricky in areas that have several of them. Freddy has a battery meter so you can’t rely on him all the time. You later get two “weapons” that can stun enemies. The difficulty curve in the game isn’t absurd, and it’s usually fairly easy to figure out what to do and where to go after putting enough thought into it. Even the “boss fights” are great, especially the sequence against DJ Music Man and when you confront Monty in a golf course.

All in all, a fairly solid game and great direction to take the franchise.

IF THE GAME WAS NOT BROKEN. :D

There are dozens of glitches that players have fun into, but for the sake of argument, here are the glitches I personally had to deal with—good and bad.

- I was unable to enter Freddy. Which makes you vulnerable to every animatronic outside of Vanny, who can kill you anywhere.
- After distracting Moon during his segment by knocking stuff over, sometimes he’ll get stuck in one spot trying to clean it up.
- I was unable to exit Freddy. Freddy has a batter meter. If it runs out, you die. Thankfully I reached a checkpoint that fixed this bug before I perished.
- Freddy had an unlimited battery meter. Also, I could not enter recharge stations—something vital if you wanna avoid Moon during certain portions of the game.
- I was walking through a corridor, and suddenly, Roxy appeared. Before I knew she was there, she killed me with no warning.
- Sometimes the animatronics will camp in one spot. This is both good and bad.
- The game lagged so badly in one section whenever I brought up the camera that it crashed multiple times. Even when I lowered the graphics to “Lowest.” I had to completely change my launch options with the game in order to progress.
- There’s a section of the game where you’re locked in a room and Vanny attacks you. You have to escape before she does, but during this segment, the screen went black. The game didn’t crash, the game itself wasn’t dark, and the pause menu still worked. But just this one section of the game was black. Which meant you can’t see. Which means you don’t know where to go to escape Vanny.
- While trying to escape the Pizzaplex, Moon spawned on top of me and killed me. This happened twice. In a row.
- After 6am, you can’t save. If you go back to Roxy’s Raceway and collect a severed robot head, it’ll retrigger an event and reverse time, allowing you to save again.
- During the boss fight in the true ending, you have to fend off Roxy by scaring her off. You do this by making a loud noise while inside of Freddy. There are two problems with this. First of all, if Roxy comes into your room, she automatically knows where you are, even though, at this point in the game, she cannot see. Second, even if Freddy has full power, sometimes he’ll instantly lose power and you’ll be forced out of him. Meaning you can’t fend off Roxy. Meaning you’re likely to die and will have to start over.
- The “Prize Counter” ending cannot be obtained if you go a certain route first. If you try to do the Prize Counter mission too late into the game, this ending is permanently locked unless you reload an earlier save or restart the whole game.

That is…twelve bugs. And these are not glitches, not funny bugs, not random texture issues, not something to laugh at. All these bugs I just listed impact the gameplay in some way, shape, or form, and can potentially result in you either dying or screwing up the game so badly that you have to restart from a previous save slot. In some cases, you may have to restart the whole damn game. And I need to remind you that these are just the glitches that I encountered. I found other players on YouTube who encounter not only these same bugs, but ones that were five times worse than what I ran into—to the point where one player had to restart the game roughly ten minutes in.


Now yes, I played this game on PC, and my PC isn’t super strong for certain hi-tech games. This is understandable. But again, I have seen various other players on YouTube struggling to go through similar glitches. One guy, in particular, soft locked himself just by wandering into a room and unintentionally activating a cutscene that disabled further progression. One guy who owns a PS5 had the game freeze and then crash several times during the boss fight against Monty. One guy was going around gathering collectibles when his character was suddenly just locked into position, couldn’t move, couldn’t pause the game. He had to restart from a previous checkpoint entirely. The entire second half of the game is like this. The first half of the game, I kept dying because I was new to the mechanics. But I almost never got frustrated. It was absolutely lots of fun.

The second half of the game, I mostly kept dying or having to restart because of bugs, which did frustrate me. When I got to the final boss battle in the True Ending, I almost didn’t wanna finish, because I was so fed up with how broken the game was and the fact that a portion of this boss encounter does not function the way it’s supposed to. On top of this, your reward for unlocking the True Ending is a blatantly rushed, anticlimactic, fifteen-second cutscene that does nothing but give the player more questions and only one answer.


“But Tyk! All the other endings provide context behind Vanny and some of the other mysteries with the lore!”

Yeah, okay, cool. None of those are canon, so it doesn’t matter. And some endings contradict others.

I don’t wanna be too hard on some of the fans, because the fans love this franchise and are very passionate about it. But this is what happens when you rush developers. You get a game that isn’t finished. You get a game that has loads of content removed due to budget/time constraints. You get a game that is frustrating for all the wrong reasons. And yes, some people are probably saying this wouldn’t have happened if Scott Cawthon was still developing the game. Well, again, a portion of the fanbase largely contributed to Cawthon taking early retirement and leaving before this game was fully finished. I’m not gonna get into the controversy surrounding it—look it up if you’re curious.

I don’t wanna be too hard on Steel-Wool, because they’re a small indie crew and they clearly put loads of effort and time into making this game. And on the surface, yes, this game is beautiful and a wonderful experience. But this is what happens when you don’t playtest your game enough. This is what happens when you release your game too early when you know it needs more work done. This is what happens when you try to bank off Christmas sales. I know some people are saying “But they already delayed the game twice!” Delay it again. If it means spending more time ironing out issues with your game, then do it. If certain fans can’t wait, fuck ‘em. They don’t deserve to play your game. No Time to Die was supposed to come out in April 2020. It was released in October 2021.

It took a year and a half to release this damn movie.

And despite all this mess going on, it still made over $750 million! People are more lenient on content being delayed if there are valid reasons for it. And consider Cawthon left and there’s a pandemic going on, I feel like that’s a pretty fuckin’ good-ass reason. What people don’t want is for the content they paid for to be busted upon purchasing it.  pokemonmanic3595 explained to me that this game is a wonderful, delicious, perfectly-cooked steak that was served to you on a plate. …And then the plate shattered. And now your steak is covered in glass shards. Don’t get me wrong—the steak is still delicious. …But it’s covered in glass shards. And yes, you technically can still eat it. You just have to tolerate tearing up your gums, tongue, cheek, and possibly your throat and stomach lining. And yes, the chef can take the steak back and remove all the shards. It may take a few months, but eventually it’ll happen.

But unfortunately, I’ve already played the game for several hours. I’ve shredded my mouth from eating too much glass. There are other steaks out there I can order that are cheaper and I’ll receive my steak without glass in it. And while I do agree that this game is enjoyable, I’ve cut my mouth too damn much.

So…I don’t think I’m gonna play it again.

“Tyk, you’re a hypocrite! You bought Sonic ‘06! despite how broken that game is!”

Two things I need to point out about this. First off, I got that game on the PS3, not the Xbox 360. From what I heard, the 360 version is the one with game-breaking bugs in it, while the PS3 version struggles with some graphics as well as the abysmal loading times. I rarely ran into anything in the game that made it impossible for me to play. Oh sure, there were bugs—some funny, some not—but I was able to beat the game and still had a good time playing it.

Second of all, THAT GAME IS FIFTEEN YEARS OLD! That’s like saying Space Jam: A New Legacy is a masterpiece compared to Manos: The Hands of Fate. Is this where we’re at now? Is this the point we’ve reached? Is it okay to say that something is excellent if we compare it to a pile of trash? Is it okay to say a game is a contender for Game of the Year simply because it turns on? This is why I don’t understand why some people legitimately like Sonic Forces. So many people said “Well at least it’s not Sonic ‘06!” And I’m all like “No, it’s not. That don’t make the game good.”


I’ve said many times now that there is nothing wrong with liking something most people despise—and vice versa. I think WarCraft is a great film. I thoroughly enjoyed Godzilla: King of the Monsters. Everyone thought Blackhat was boring; I thought it was very smart and well-written for what it was. But you need to address the criticisms for the things you enjoy. 24 is one of my favorite shows of all time, but I can write a full-blown essay about the shit wrong with that show. If you like Security Breach, I fully understand. And frankly, I agree with your reasoning. But you cannot tell me with a straight face that the amount of bugs and glitches in this forty dollar game that is eighty gigabytes large is acceptable and tolerable. Because it’s not.


This game’s been out for nearly a month now. I feel like everyone who wanted to buy it already has. But for those who haven’t, no. I do not recommend this game.

IN ITS CURRENT STATE.

If they release a patch that fixes every single bug and glitch literally five minutes after I post this long-ass journal, by all means, go buy the game. Go play the game. Go enjoy the game the way it was intended. Because I feel like that’s what you deserve for forty dollars. For all the issues that this game has, I’ve never seen so many people so excited and happy about it. All the YouTube vids and memes and fanart I come across almost always makes me laugh or smile and I take solace in the fact that even with a game this unfinished, so many others are able to have fun around the game without being super negative.


It’s just a shame that the game itself is not as fun.

…

…

…

…WHAT?!


RATING: UM…I DUNNO! 6/10? 7/10? SHIT, JUST READ THE REVIEW. >__<


All right, soooooooooo plot! :D

It takes place in a world full of talking animals who walk upright and wear clothes. Although birds and reptiles aren’t sapient for some reason. You play as a raccoon private investigator named Howard Lotor who’s looking into the disappearance of an otter’s supposedly cheating husband. So you go around investigating shiz and things. And then you find some shiz and things and Howard finds himself involved in a really fucked-up conspiracy involving a criminal gang that he and a fox reporter named Renee gotta solve.

Now we have our game!

So the gameplay’s simple. It’s not a walking simulator per say, but you do spend most of the game walking around cities and towns, talking to civilians and criminals, and forcing your way into buildings to find clues and other information about your investigation. As the game progresses, you talk to various civilians, unlock pertinent details involving your case, and dig deeper into the conspiracy that you’ve gotten yourself involved in. The first Act of the game is the best one, given that it shows you the various ways you can approach a situation to reach your goals. There’s also a couple of nice sleuthing segments and a few puzzles you gotta solve, one of which was actually cleverly presented! Then Act II and Act III happen and the puzzle segments and sleuthing bits are…toned down. Considerably. And then Act IV and Act V happen.

I will get into those Acts later. >__>


I really can’t talk about the story because that will spoil a lot of shit. I can’t even talk about the first Act much because that spoils a really fucked-up revelation by the end. Like I said, imagine a Blacksad plot, but seriously gruesome.


Characters are fine. Howard is your typical old fart who drinks and smokes, but he knows how to do his job. You also have the option to turn him into a very sassy bitch, which was more than delightful. Or if you want, you can turn him into a pessimistic coon who’s tired of life and wants to give up on everything. Or you can turn into a crazy person who believes the conspiracy involves aliens. XD Renee is also a fairly decent character. I do like that Howard and Renee’s relationship was more platonic than usual. You can kinda-sorta flirt with her, but for the most part, they never sleep with each other, never have sex, never even see each other shirtless, etc. And by far one of the best side characters in the game is Howard’s chunky beaver of a driver, Anatoly. He’s super lazy and super nice and talks about his family and kids a lot, but he’s not the annoying kind of side character who’s there for unfunny comic relief. He’s actually quite enjoyable.

And he’s also huggable and fat and wears a tank-top, so points there. :D

I don’t like the villain. I’m not gonna get into it, but for the sake of argument, they pull a Cruella situation with her by the end and it’s stupid.

“Hello audience! I have spent this whole game doing all of this bad shit, but it’s okay! I got all of these people killed, but it’s okay, because they were assholes! You can totally trust me because that’s what I’m telling you and I’m absolutely not lying! Also I have secretly been doing all of these good things for these young women, but all of it happened off-screen! I am totally a justified criminal and the people that I am serving are much worse than I am; therefore what I am doing is justified!”

No. It is not. You chunky furry-ass bitch. Just admit you’re doing all of this crap because you’re hungry for power and willing to screw over anyone and everyone to get it. At least I can respect that kind of villain.

So the game has a few hiccups here and there—the puzzle segments die down the further along you go, but overall, I was intrigued by this game. The universe is quite compelling; the tone is very gritty; the visuals and sheer amount of detailing in the background is absolutely breathtaking, and the developers aren’t afraid to do some seriously messed-up shit with their characters.


AND THEN THE SECOND HALF OF THE GAME HAPPENS!


Okay so Act III actually isn’t bad! The problem is that it’s very short—I passed it in about thirty minutes or so. Lots of things are revealed, Howard finds out more shiz and things—it’s all great.


AND THEN “THE THING” HAPPENED!


Something…happens. And after it happens, the game throws out its plot and it turns into borderline cosmic body horror. Which honestly wouldn’t have bothered me if any of this was seriously set up beforehand. But it’s a situation where the first half of the game is Howard investigating this conspiracy. And then the thing happened. And now the game is completely different. Act IV is just Howard stuck in one area and then stuck in another area for way too long and it becomes very philosophical and existential…for some reason? Act V is just the epilogue that’s three scenes long and can be beaten in ten minutes or less.

And then the game stops. It does not end; it stops.


Nothing is resolved. Many questions are unanswered. Many characters disappear without a trace. Some of the corrupt villains behind everything aren’t exposed. Other bad shit is still happening. Sympathetic characters have died or are presumed dead and get no closure. By the time the game ends, the only good thing to have happened is that Renee knows about the conspiracy going on within the city. That’s about it. But virtually every other character is in a worse position by the end than where they were when the game started.

It’s just…frustrating.


Look, I got no problem with downer endings. I’m not exactly a happy person and I’m not a fan of that whole “happily ever after” crap. But I’m not a fan of downer endings that come out of nowhere either. I wasn’t even expecting this game to have a happy ending in the first place. But how it ends is so damn jarring and depressing that I find myself questioning what the point of it all was. When I reached the end, I was so sure that I fucked up with my choices that I went online just to see if the game had alternate choices or alternate endings. And no, there aren’t any.

Act III ends the same way.

Act IV ends the same way.

Act V ends the same way.

There is nothing you can do to prevent this game’s unbelievably dour ending.

And I’m very…conflicted. Because on one hand, I do admire the developers and writers for having the balls to do something like this. And I can kinda see what they were going for; it’s a clear representation that sometimes nothing you do matters. Sometimes no matter how hard you struggle, you can’t win. Sometimes you can spend your whole time trying to solve a case, but then something terrible happens to you personally, and suddenly, that case you’ve spent so many days, weeks, months investigating, isn’t important. And it doesn’t matter. It’s a very realistic and brutally truthful slap to the face about how it goes sometimes. That’s just how it is. Like I said…I see where they’re coming from.

As a video game I got seriously invested in? This is crap. I spent $25 on this game. I played this game for about five and a half hours. And by the end, I’m asking myself “What was the point? Why did I bother? Why did the developers choose to do this, choose to go this route? They must have known a portion of their fans would respond this way!”


To the developers’ credit, I don’t despise them nor do I despise this game. This isn’t like certain tripe-A games or shit like Space Jam: A New Legacy or those movies and games where you can tell right off the bat that the people who made their product in question do not care and just wanted to make a shitload of money. I do believe the developers care! I think they genuinely thought they were doing the right thing by having the game end this way—especially since it’s implied we’ll be getting DLC or a sequel in the future.

It’s just…you can’t end a game like this and not expect people to be upset. You can’t change the plot to something entirely different halfway in and not expect your fans to bring up the problems they have with doing that. For the sake of comparison, Werewolf: The Apocalypse – Earthblood did the same thing. The first half of the game you’re going around fighting humans and taking over territory to save the environment. And then the second half of the game turns into a rescue mission and splashes in some really messed-up cosmic horror shit. And just like this game, that game has a very dour ending that feels like nothing you did in the long run mattered all that much. The reason why that game’s plot switch worked was because when the plot shifts focus, it makes sense within the context of both the universe and what the villains are doing as to why it suddenly changes. When the downer ending happens, it makes sense because the game already had a bleak tone to begin with and it was heavily implied that even if you accomplish your goal, it won’t be without consequences.

I feel like that’s the best way to describe this. Backbone is the indie version of Werewolf: The Apocalypse – Earthblood: a fun, but flawed game that’s overpriced and makes you question why you bothered playing the game once you reach the ending and realize that there’s no other ending.


So would I recommend this game?

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh—okay, all right—lemme put it like this. If you don’t mind downer endings, sure! If you wanna support the developers, by all means, do so and buy this game. If you wanna get engrossed with this game’s universe and the plot alone intrigues you, then yush, buy the game.

However, if you want a game that has an ending based on your choices, a game where you receive a downer ending because you, the player, made the wrong choices, and if you want a game with luscious graphics and voice acting and more intuitive gameplay, then I would recommend you buy Blacksad: Under the Skin instead. Because it’s more or less the same game, but the plot doesn’t switch halfway in, it’s a lot longer, and by the end you’ll at least feel like you got your money’s worth.


So yeah, those are my thoughts. Not a bad game, but frustrating. Very, very frustrating—which seems to be a common theme amongst many of the films and movies I’ve been looking forward to this year. Granted I did enjoy Biomutant a lot more than most people did.


There’s this game called F.I.S.T.: Forged In Shadow Torch coming out in September later this year. I’m putting my hopes in that game into the ground. So that when I play it, I can’t be disappointed or frustrated by anything!


…I shouldn’t have to do that, but this is where we’re at now until I get a PS5 and buy the remake of Demon Souls and Ratchet & Clank: Rift Apart.

I’m branding 2021 as the year where big time movie companies stopped giving a shit.


RATING: 2/10.


LeBron James plays basketball to save his son from an algorithm. The Looney Tunes are there. They win. End.


There. The plot’s done. I’m gonna spend the rest of the review bitching now.


Okay so the biggest problem right off the bat is that Warner Bros. is expecting you to poke fun at the absurdity of the film. There’s a scene where the Big Bad, Al G. Rhythm (I probably spelled that wrong; I don’t care) showcases how they’re gonna make Warner Bros. money by having LeBron be involved with famous franchises, like Harry Potter and Game of Thrones, etc. LeBron himself straight-up says how shitty of an idea this is, and the executives proposing this idea suddenly shift focus and agree with him. And I genuinely thought this was funny. The main actor is outright telling the audience how stupid this is. And you expect the movie to do something that isn’t what they just said was stupid.


So naturally, they make the movie they said was stupid.

And now we have a stupid movie.


There’s a subplot between LeBron James and his son. LeBron’s son wants to be a gamer, but LeBron wants him to play basketball, because life isn’t about fun; it’s about work. But his son is all like “But I don’t wanna play basketball; I wanna make games!” But LeBron is a strict adult. Oh gee, I wonder if this film is going to end with LeBron realizing that basketball can be fun and him realizing that he loves his son and to support him pursuing video game making.


Oh hey. That’s how this subplot concludes. Shocker.

So Ally G gets all pissy at being called stupid and kidnaps LeBron’s son and tells him “Hey, you gotta play a basketball game or else you’re gonna be stuck in my domain forever!” Gee, I wonder if LeBron wins at the end.

Oh hey. He does. Cool.

And then LeBron gets zapped to Looney Tunes world and discovers Bugs Bunny. He informs him about the basketball game and to recruit some top notch players, like Superman and Batman and the Iron Giant, etc. And in all honesty, that could be really fun! I feel like you could do batshit crazy insanity if you had a basketball version of Injustice: Gods Among Us and turn it into a film!

Oh, Bugs just manipulates LeBron into recruiting the other Looney Tunes because he’s lonely. So scrap that other idea. We’re just gonna do the first Space Jam again with no other kind of twist to it.

Okay. Cool. Whatever.

Then the basketball game starts. And thousands of people from all over the world get zapped into the game. Including LeBron’s whole family. And if LeBron loses, all of them will be stuck there. Gee, I wonder what will happen.

Oh look. They’re freed in the end. Mkay.


But it’s okay, because there’s tons of familiar faces in the crowd! Look at that, it’s Pennywise! Lookit there, it’s King Kong! Hey guys, it’s the Night King from Game of Thrones! Awwwwwwwww shit son! It’s Yogi Bear and the Flintstones!

HEY GUYS! IT’S TEH GREMLINS! REMEMBER THIS?!?!?!?!?


…Oh, you don’t care? Cool. I didn’t either.

If any of this seems hollow or predictable, it’s because it is. The people making this movie and writing this movie did not care. The animators cared. The artists who did the 2D segments cared (I’m gonna get to that later). The voice actors cared. But that’s about it. You can argue that the original film did the same thing as this one (the idea steamed off a commercial with Michael Jordan), but they at least bothered to set up the movie’s plot and motivations properly, and the movie knows what it is and is having fun for the sake of having fun and doesn’t care about the masses as a whole.

This is a movie that is having fun solely so that you will pay money to watch the fun happening, and they’re constantly shoving so much “fun” stuff in your face that you realize they’re just shaking keys and shiny objects in your face. And while you’re distracted momentarily, they steal your wallet and take all your money. Because that’s all this movie cares about.

Does this movie care about the Looney Tunes? No, it doesn’t. They’re only in the film because they’re on the poster. But it’s not about them; it’s about LeBron James, and his development through the Looney Tunes. Honest to god, I wish they took the whole Al Giggidy Rigid bit out the film altogether and have it be about LeBron James stuck in Looney Tunes realm and nothing else. Because when he first meets Bugs Bunny, he finds out all his friends were sent to other realms owned by Warner Bros. and Bugs is all alone. This very easily could’ve been a clever way to poke fun at how kids nowadays aren’t interested in the Looney Tunes or don’t care about them as much as they used to. There’s children in 2021 who probably don’t even know who they are, and that is insane to think about. And this movie could’ve been a brilliant way to showcase that cartoon characters like Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck and Marvin the Martian, etc. have kind of been swept away and are collecting dust. Hell, this could’ve been a wonderful way to reintroduce the Looney Tunes to a younger generation outside of just the Boomerang network since most kids nowadays are into superheroes and shiz.


“But Tyk, that’s what this movie did.”


Yes. But also no. This movie plopped them into the plot for nostalgia bait and so people who liked the original Space Jam would go like “AW. MAH. GAWD! :O” They’re there for the sake of LeBron James. That’s about it.


Was some of what they do entertaining? Yeah, it was. The whole 2D segment was great. Some of the wacky shenanigans during the basketball game were creative. Porky Pig raps. This is either going to be the best part of the movie or the worst part of the movie. XD They made Foghorn Leghorn thicc as fuck. Lola Bunny doesn’t have titties. I don’t really care, but I can see why some people were upset by that. She’s still okay…I guess. They didn’t make her some Twitter-bait character who does and says nothing but feminist things and talk about why men are awful, so that was good. Pepe le Pew is not in the movie…I don’t know why? I guess he got cancelled or some shit?

“Tyk, Pepe le Pew wasn’t in the film because he wasn’t animated for the live-action segments. Or something.”

Yes, but allegedly there was another scene that was cut altogether because Pepe le Pew “normalizes rape culture” or some stupid shit. I don’t know. >__<


Um.

I dunno.

What else am I supposed to say? What do you want me to say? This movie was everything I knew it was going to be that I didn’t want it to be. It’s not as good as the original, it’s a shameless cash grab, it has a shitload of references just for the sake of references, the good guys win and the bad guys lose, and now Warner Bros. has made money off of a product they gave no fucks about.

“But Tyk, all the special effects were cool!”


I don’t care. Special effects with no purpose behind them are like looking at fireworks. It’s cool for a while, but eventually you realize you’re just seeing the same shit over and over and over again but with different colors. After a while it gets boring. The special effects, like I said earlier, is just dangling keys in front of a baby and jingling them. This is what happened in the third act of Transformers: Age of Extinction.


“So what you’re saying is you don’t like to have fun. You prefer all that depressing shit like NieR: Automata and Spec Ops: The Line.”

I like having fun because I want to have fun. I don’t like having fun because someone said “HEY! LOOKIT THE THINGS! THINGS ARE HAPPENING! LOOKIT ALL THE THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING THAT YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT! HAVE FUN LOOKING AT THESE THINGS! THERE’S SO MANY COLORFUL THINGS! IT’S THINGS! THHHHHIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGSSSSSS!!!!!”


…Oh my fucking god—this idea literally just came to me as I was writing this. What if this movie was about LeBron James in the same scenario, but he meets the Looney Tunes while they’re having a rematch with the Monstars from the first film? But the Monstars have teamed up with the villains from the DC Universe. So the Looney Tunes are all like “Aw shit! The fuck we gonna do?!” And then LeBron James goes like “Okay, so we gon’ team up with Superman, we gonna find this one dude names Batman, we need to find this sly chick called Catwoman…”

I literally just figured out a way to make this movie more over-the-top in a way that properly utilizes the Warner Bros. characters without them feeling shoehorned in for the sake of stupid references and it took me about two minutes to do.


“Tyk, why did you bother spending money on a film you knew you were gonna hate?”


Oh hell no—I didn’t pay money for this. I found “other” ways to watch this movie. Second of all, there are many times where I have been proven wrong. As I said earlier, I’m capable of having fun while watching a movie. One of my favorite absurd films of all time is Shoot ‘Em Up. I saw Godzilla: King of the Monsters thinking it would be trash. I thoroughly loved it, even though it’s objectively bad. I walked into Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 expecting it to be the film that would kill my interest in future Marvel movies. I walked out crying because of how beautiful and tragic the ending was.

It’s not that the movie isn’t fun—it’s that its idea of fun is very superficial and shallow. This isn’t a movie where the movie hands you a basketball and tells you to go play. This is a movie where the basketball is forced into your hands, and you are forced to play basketball the way the executives who made the movie want you to play. Does that sound fun to you?


“But haven’t you seen movies that are ‘products of a factory’ that you’ve enjoyed?”


Yes, because those movies had some kind of charm, style, subversion, or unique take to their premise that made them stand out enough to still be enjoyable even though I saw right through what they were doing.


There’s a subplot where the father and son have issues because the father views the world different from the son and thus tries to force his son to be like him? Seen it before. Finding Nemo did it wonderfully.


Oh, a fish out of water scenario? Pick…pick anything. There are so many examples to choose from.


Ooh! A movie with dazzling special effects in live action! That’s a common staple for big-budget movies now. There are so many others better than this—half of the MCU films, Wonder Woman, Bumblebee, Logan, etc.


There’s a big sports match that serves as the climax of the film? Oh, lookie here! There’s a movie called Creed, Creed 2, some of the Rocky films, Real Steel, Friday Night Lights, Coach Carter, the original Space Jam…


Oh shit, a main character “dies” but is later revealed to be alive?! …So basically any and every Disney film?


A movie that has live-action actors mixed with CGI or toon characters? …Okay that’s stretching it, but even then, the live-action Scooby-Doo and Looney Tunes: Back in Action are more fun. Also Who Framed Roger Rabbit?. My god, is that movie outstanding.


A movie filled with references that don’t need to be there but they are anyways? Hmmmmmmmm, I see you, Ready Player One and Rogue One.


Every single thing that this movie does, I’ve seen in other films and I’ve seen it done better even if the movie itself isn’t all that great.


“Hmm. Perhaps you are right. Perhaps this movie is trash. Nevertheless, I will still see it because there are bound to be fart jokes and/or booty shots.”

There isn’t any. No toilet humor. No inflation. No farting. No pooping. No peeing. No jiggly asses like the first movie. No being flattened by a thick cartoon like the first. They even had the chance to do so with Foghorn Leghorn, who is noticeably chunky, and they didn’t.


Don’t pay money to see this film. I’m not saying you shouldn’t see it. I know some people are morbidly curious; I know some people are huge fans of the original and wanna see for themselves if the sequel is at least entertaining to see. And I can understand where you’re coming from. But absolutely do not give Warner Bros. your money to see this.


I understand that some people see movies as escapism and to have fun. I understand that a film like this won’t bother some people. The problem is that when you keep giving away money for films like this, you’re telling the executives that they don’t need to try as hard. They just have to throw as many references and special effects on the screen and everything will be okay. And trust me when I say that sooner or later, you will reach the same breaking point that I have reached back in 2019 when The Rise of Skywalker came out. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. Maybe not even in the next ten years.



But if you keep paying to see movies like Terminator: Dark Fate or The Rise of Skywalker or Space Jam: A New Legacy, all you’re doing is ensuring that your breaking point will come far sooner than later.

I spent $60 on this game because I saw a cutscene of robots performing Romeo & Juliet in the most hilarious way possible. Little did I know what the hell I was actually getting myself into.

RATING: EXISTENTIAL CRISIS/10.

Okay, so I’m finally around to making this review that I’ve been putting off for quite a while! And for those of you who have not played the game yet, no worries, this review won’t contain spoilers. Instead I plan on working on another project in the future that I’ll get more into at the end of the journal.

Anyways, the plot starts off simple. The years is…in the future. Mankind is in the process of fighting a seemingly endless war with a dreadful alien menace composed of machines. You play as androids 2B and 9S, two soldiers within the android army known as YoRHA designed to help mankind win their war against the machines. Both of you are deployed to the ruins of Earth to investigate strange machine activity. But when you get down to Earth, 2B and 9S realize that things are definitely amiss…

Soooooooo talking about the plot and story is gonna be difficult because damn near everything is a spoiler. So I’m gonna get into the gameplay!

Anyone who knows PlatinumGames knows that they’re renowned for their fast-paced, stylish, slick combat system. Typically most of their games involve using fast, short attacks and slow, but deadly heavy attacks. This game is no different either. Short attacks make it easy to unleash quick combos while long attacks do more damage but leave you more vulnerable. Your weapons are a combination of swords, daggers, broadswords, etc. and depending on your combat style will determine which weapons you should arm yourself with. It’s not as specific as Dark Souls, but if you’re into fast-paced combat, you probably shouldn’t arm yourself with a sword longer than your body.

This isn’t just a stale copy/paste job here though. Along with the weapons you can buy are the upgrades you can get for 2B and 9S. Androids can equip themselves with chips to improve their combat skills—regenerating health, increasing attack power, increasing defense power, and the best chip of all time, the lovely Overclock chip, which will slow down time for a few seconds if you successfully dodge certain attacks, giving you time to unleash multiple counterattacks. You can also expand your inventory so you’ll have access to more plug-in chips at one time instead of having to worry about switching stuff over. And seeing as how there’s collectables you can sell all over the place and currency everywhere it’s very easy to buy loads of weapons and chips.

The first chunk of the game is told from 2B’s perspective and deals with lots of the hack ‘n’ slash aspects of the game PlatinumGames engages in. You spend your time running around engaging in the machine forces led by two commanders of the opposing army named Adam and Eve (who are brothers believe it or not). Both 2B and 9S wander around the Earth taking out the commanders’ platoons before gunning for the two of them themselves! The second chunk of the game is told from 9S’s perspective. It’s shorter than 2B’s campaign—which is fine, because it goes down the exact same path as 2B’s. The main difference is that 9S uncovers a lot of hidden secrets about his YoRHA and his employers. Another huge difference between the two playthroughs is that 2B’s playstyle is much more combat-based. But 9S, however, isn’t as strong as 2B and deals primarily with hacking. Which is surprisingly very cool and creative! It’s a great way of preventing 9S’s path from being the same copy/paste route as 2B’s; certain situations and bosses require you to hack your enemies to defeat them. And the hacking itself is this really cool mini-game segment similar to playing a 3D game of Asteroids. Thought it was very cool.

The game also has (and starts off with) these incredible Star Fox-like shooting segments where 2B or 9S gotta fly through certain battlefields in the air taking down the machines or giant bosses (like this giant fish-like robot boss in question). They’re not as fun as the gameplay in Star Fox 64 (then again what is? ) but it is very thrilling to go from fighting on the ground to a hellacious air battle, or vice versa.

Character-wise, it’s on point as well. 9S believes that machines are just machines, yet he’s an android who’s very easy-going and fun and adorable and acts very human and has human desires, like the relationship he forms with 2B. And wanting to take baths, for some dumbass reason. 2B is a bit more cynical and blunt, but she is capable of showing her emotions here and there, especially whenever she’s around 9S. It’s a great juxtaposition between the two, and it becomes far more impactful when THE THING happens in the third segment of the game. You can kind of predict that these two characters follow the usual cliché path of “They’re indifferent to each other, and now they’re friends!” but it still works because it feels very natural, very organic.

There are other characters in the game, but spoilers and shiz, so eh. I’ll talk about ‘em later in that big project I mentioned. >__< Pascal is the best side character though, despite being a machine. I will explain why in the future.

So the only minor nitpick I can think of is that the settings in the game don’t change a whole lot. You got your abandoned city, your desert setting, your cave setting, an amusement park, a forest/castle, a factory, and Pascal’s village. Most of the game recycles some of the same scenery and bounces back and forth between all these areas, combined with a few buildings you can explore and fight inside of. So nothing super complex. Granted, there are enough areas and different routes to do to keep it from being repetitive.

The game also has side missions! Which aren’t necessary, but kind of important if you wanna find out more information about the universe and some of the world building. Some side missions involve you racing machines to a different goal point. Some of them are missions requiring you to hunt down and kill traitorous YoRHA members. Some of them require you to escort clowns. Some of them require you to watch the machines reenact Romeo & Juliet. …Yes, I’m serious. The thing is though, the side missions aren’t just a case of “Okay, go do this. Okay, you did this; here’s your money.” No, all of the side missions flesh out the world and really make you question aspects of your mission and what you’re doing. Are you really hunting traitorous YoRHA members, or are you being fed faulty information? Are you doing the right thing by mindlessly destroying the alien machines, or is someone manipulating your mission? Do you need to waste your time collecting tokens to see a two minute play of machines reenacting Romeo & Juliet?


Right. So. I talked about the first segment of the game. I talked about the second segment of the game. So now let’s talk about the third segment! Basically you play as 2B and 9S back to back and it’s loads of fun!

AND THEN SOME SHIT HAPPENS AND IT’S NO LONGER FUN! :D

The third segment introduces a few new…elements of the game and basically deconstructs the entire purpose of the game. And that is all I will say without spoiling anything.

This game really hit me on an emotional and existential level because it spends its entirety exploring the themes of what makes someone human, what makes someone sapient. Both of the main characters are androids. Humanity can just make more of them. So if their bodies are destroyed, there’s no reason to care. They can transfer their subconsciousness into another shell and everything will be fine. And the machines are just that: machines. So you shouldn’t care that you have to mindlessly slaughter all of the ones in your path. Or maybe they’re not just machines. Maybe they gained sentience. Maybe they just wanna be human. But they can’t be human; they weren’t born that way; they weren’t designed that way. That’s what 9S keeps saying, anyway.

But 9S is an android. So is 2B. So what would he know about humanity? What would any of the YoRHA know about having a soul? I mean, by that definition, they don’t have one either. And if they don’t have one either, then we shouldn’t care about their mission. And we shouldn’t feel bad whenever the machines kill any of the androids. Because the machines are just defending themselves and the androids are just defending themselves too.

And that’s…how it starts. This game takes place thousands of years in the future, is the thing. I know we don’t have sentient robots and that kind of shiz now, and we probably won’t in this generation. But that being said, I did see this program on television about this new brand of play dogs that were being created. This couple didn’t own actual dogs; they had these um…like this machine pet dogs that kids would play with? But they were designed and built to act like real dogs. Apparently they have at least two hundred different commands built into their system, and the way you treat the dog will adjust how they behave with their owners. This…program made me very uncomfortable… It’s difficult to think about what may happen in the future. And this game keeps making you ask questions like this…questions that make you ponder what will happen in the future.

There’s a point in the game where you come across what is essentially a bunch of machines within a cult. A death-worshipping cult. And being a death-worshipping cult, they become hostile and start doing what you would expect them to do. But by the time this whole sequence was finished, I broke down crying. Because the machines in this cult responded the same way humans would respond if they were part of a suicide pact cult. …Right down to some of them choosing to kill themselves out of fear because they know their crazed, blind worshippers will kill them anyways. And there’s another point in the game where something very tragic happens and it can potentially result in a machine having their identity erased. Yeah, they’re still alive, but this robot is no longer the same robot. Because his entire memory and identity has been destroyed. So does that mean this robot is the same person?

If someone pops your brain out of your skull and puts it in an android’s body, are you still the same person, or is the android its own person donning your identity? Or does it make its own identity?

If you swap all of your limbs with cybernetic parts and have cybernetic organs, are you still human? Or are you just another machine now?

These are the kinds of questions that this game makes the player ask and it’s…it’s just not stuff I like talking about or thinking about. Because this is the kind of stuff that legitimately scares me to my core and is stuff I mentally cannot comprehend.


Um. So yes, I would absolutely recommend this game. The best thing about this game is that if you don’t care about the story or the characters or the existentialism, that’s perfectly fine. You can still play this game and have loads of fun with it, since it’s a fast-paced hack and slash. And if you don’t care about the gameplay, that’s also fine, because this game has an incredibly thought-provoking story about what it means to exist, and what sapient creatures will end up doing with their existence. Not to mention the plethora of reveals and twists and turns that the plot has throughout the story.


Anyways, that’s my non-spoiler review. I did plan on going into extensive detail here, but instead of that, I decided to do something else.

I’m actually gonna replay The Last of Us, Part II.

And it’s not so I can do a reevaluation of the game. But more so that I can compare and contrast (mostly contrast) this game as well as The Last of Us, Part II. Because NieR: Automata basically does almost every single thing that The Last of Us, Part II does in terms of its plot, but better. So I’m gonna make this long-ass document or PDF file where I pick apart all the aspects of these games and share my full thoughts on them.

Who knows. Maybe I’ll end up actually liking The Last of Us, Part II.

Just saw Logan again with  pokemonmanic3595.

10/Fuck You

I saw it guys. I saw this movie. I saw it. I saw it, Internet.

Mkay?

Mkay, Internet?

I saw Logan again.

I saw Logan. Again. Thought it was phenomenal. And rewatching it made me realize I was being overly-critical at the time back in 2017 when I saw it in theaters. Kinda what happens when the movie industry cranks out a superhero film every three months. You get burned out and you gloss over precious gems like this.

I also saw The Darkest Minds with Pokemonmanic.

It was like Logan. But it's shit.

Fuck You/10.

Don't watch this movie. It's stupid. And boring. And Logan isn't. You should watch that instead. It's fun. And gory. And it stars a hairy muscular man.

That is all you need.

This is the first and last time I’m going to agree with IGN’s score on a game. >__>

RATING: 4/10

All right, so. Just finished the new indie-ish game that came out a few weeks ago. And I had quite a bit of fun with it!

It’s not good though.

Okay so basically you play as an eco-terrorist werewolf who’s part of a pack of werewolves who go around destroying and dismantling big corporate industries that plague the planet. You’re a rugged hairy dad named Cahal and you have a wife named Ludmila and a daughter named Aedana. And because this is a dark and dreary game, you can bet that one of those two will be killed in the prologue! Spoilers, but not really—it’s Cahal’s wife. He goes into exile for years, but then finds out the big bad oil company Endron is doing more horrible shit, so now he’s come back to fuck shit up and level up his stats by sniffing enchanted plants and mushrooms.

And now we have out ludicrously fun but repetitive game! :D

You got combat, you got stealth. Stealth is just sneaking around the enemy through vents, around walls, or using stealth takedowns in private. Combat is basically just Sonic Unleashed again. You go all sexy werewolf and use the Agile fighting stance for quick, fast-paced combos and the Heavy(?) fighting stance for slow, but hard-hitting, devastating blows. You can upgrade throughout the game to do more damage and regenerate health, you can use upgrades to be more stealthy, earn some powerups, etc. Pretty basic, nothing unique. But it works. Sort of. The game gives you the option to be stealthy or to be aggressive (although sometimes you’re forced to fight). If you’re impatient, go werewolf form and beat some ass. If you suck at fighting, wiggle your way around the enemies. This is all fine and dandy.

This is also the whole game, along with some combat boss fights.

Let’s break for a moment and look at another game this company made, Styx: Shards of Darkness. That game focused entirely on stealthy and gave you a vast amount of options to choose from with how to handle a situation. Say you encounter an enemy in a room. Do you avoid him? Do you knock him out? Do you sneak up and snap his neck? Do you deploy a smoke bomb to cloud his vision as you run past him? Do you engage him in combat with your dagger? Do you set a trap that kills him? Do you poison his wine? Do you cut a rope holding up a chandelier and crush him with it? Do you exit the room and go a different route altogether? There’s loads upon loads of options here.

Now let’s look at this game. Say you encounter an enemy in a room. Do you stealth kill him? Do you walk past him? Do you shoot him with your crossbow? Do you distract him by sabotaging an electrical unit? Do you turn werewolf and tear him apart? Do you…

…

…Um.

Welp. That’s about it really.

The stealth never changes. The combat changes a little bit and becomes more fun as the game goes along when you learn new stuff. Eventually you end up fighting really tough, disgusting enemies that are humanoid monsters and you can’t just button mash. You have to think while you’re in combat—especially because the enemies and some bosses can rush you and quickly drain your health. The combat was repetitive, yes, but I never got tired of it. I got tired of the stealth in the first half of the game, and when I knew how to fight properly, most of the time I just said “fuck it” and killed everyone in the room as a werewolf during the second half of the game. The combat’s on par with Sonic Unleashed, but not as slick or stylish, and without the platforming (granted, this meant no glitches while jumping and falling to my death, so yay).

The story’s cliché, but it works. The first half of the game is dull. It’s literally just “Go to this industrial building, wreck some industrial shit. Okay good—now do it again, but in this other location that looks very similar.” I kinda spent more time playing Dark Souls II instead because it was more fun. But then something drastic happens halfway into the game and the plot got much more investing! Not exactly better, but I found myself playing the game for multiple hours because I wanted to see what would happen next. And the plot gets a lot darker than I expected—which I liked! Towards the end of the game, something incredibly tragic happens and it actually worked for me! I wasn’t crying or anything but I did feel genuinely upset over the situation.

The graphics are fine. It’s Cyanide Studio, so it’s not top quality, but it works. The voice acting was bland, but there were multiple cases where the voice actors and actresses delivered the lines really well. Which makes me wonder if the fault is the people whose jobs were to direct the voice actors/actresses instead of the voice acting itself.

The main villain is cartoonishly evil. And it worked for this game, because the level of depravity fit the tone of the game and you could genuinely believe he would be capable of doing all the nasty shit he does. He’s not over-the-top or does anything like raping baby seals. But the shit he did seriously pissed me off by the end.

Lots of characters die. I’m fine with that. Many of them were bland anyways and I didn’t start to really care for them until the second half of the game…which was when everyone started dying. I like it when media doesn’t just tell you that people are in danger. They show you that yes, anyone can die at any time and you just have to deal with it and continue with your journey. I can’t stand it when a movie is all like “hey guys, the main villain is plotting to murder everyone in the whole world but he or she isn’t gonna do it until the very end of the film so the heroes can stop him/her!” Drop some bodies man! Raise that tension!


The ending is a cliffhanger and a bullshit multiple choice thingy. I won’t spoil it, but it doesn’t matter, because the ending cutscene changes very little either way. Which is upsetting, because the choice in question happens after the really tragic moment. So you can’t prevent said tragedy from happening no matter how hard you try.


Lots of other reviewers don’t like this game because it’s nowhere near as in-depth or stylish as the tabletop game is. And I agree with that criticism. Apparently there’s tons of lore to this franchise and we only see a small segment of it. I wasn’t expecting another Mass Effect, mind you, but for a game that has such intriguing world building and such a ludicrous concept about an eco-terrorist werewolf and such inviting lore about werewolf and supernatural clans…it feels like at the end of the day, this game is just a generic stealth/combat game with some cool lore sprinkled in for a bit of flavor. And I shouldn’t be saying that about a game where the player character is a friggin’ eco-terrorist werewolf!

Also this game’s $50 or $60. Did I mention that? I don’t think I mentioned that. >__<


So would I recommend this game?


…Mm.


*sucks teeth*


No. If you’re really curious, wait until the price drops. Please. Do not spend over $30 on this game.

It’s a fun game. I was entertained by it. I saw it for what it was. But it’s not good. It’s repetitive, it’s cliché, and all of the game mechanics have been done better in older, cheaper games. If you want a game where you play as a badass werebeast, just go play Sonic Unleashed. It’s much more stylish, much more energetic, more colorful and fun, and if you still hate the combat, hey. The other half of the game is a series of fun speedy platforming missions with a banging soundtrack blasting in your ears. If you wanna play a stealth game, just go play Metal Gear Solid 3, a phenomenal sleuthing game that still holds up today.

Or hell, if you wanna support this company and play a stealth game, just go buy Styx: Shards of Darkness! That is a wonderful, wonderful stealth game where you play as a goblin venturing through new diverse areas, stealing shit, assassinating people, all that good shit. It’s more stylish, more energetic, it’s self-aware of what it is and has fun with itself. Half the time I was playing this game, I kept telling myself that I just wanna play Styx: Shards of Darkness again.


…Maybe I should do that. And do a more detailed review in the future.

2020 sucks. We could all die at some point. Probably tomorrow. Probably today. Perhaps even now as I’m writing this.  pokemonmanic3595 and I realized this, soooooooo we were all like:

“Hey, we’re probably gonna die soon, so let’s show each other our favorite movie franchises. I enjoy Star Wars. You enjoy Harry Potter. So let’s binge-watch ‘em all.”

“Mkay cool.”

Soooooooo I’ve seen all the Harry Potter films and I’m gonna talk about ‘em and shiz before I die horribly! :D

---

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone: 10/10

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: 10/10

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: 9/10

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: 10/10

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: 10/10

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: 9/10

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows -- Part 1: 10/10

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows -- Part 2: 10/Fuck You

---

The final movie came out almost a decade ago. The first movie came out over a decade ago. So I feel like it’s fine for me to spoil lots of shiz and things. But still.
SPOILS. DOILS BILLOWS. PILLOWS. SHILLOWS.


1. Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone: Lovely. Awesome. Kid-friendly in all the right ways. There’s so much color and happiness everywhere, and it be wonderful. :D This movie does a very good job of establishing its universe and lore early on without making it boring. Whenever certain spells or bits of lore are explained, they’re explained to Harry or other Hogwarts students who are being introduced so it doesn’t feel like someone is looking directly at the camera to the audience. The CGI is a little dated, but it came out in 2001, so it’s forgivable. And because there’s a chunky troll in it, so yay. The protagonists are all likable and relatable; the side characters actually work well to flesh out the world; the teachers all have their own quirks or perks to make themselves stand out; the creatures shown in the world don’t feel like cliché cardboard cutouts (namely the centaurs not just being half-human, half-horse), etc. The movie also does a very good job of foreshadowing what’ll happen later on in the series, what with everything surrounding Lord Voldemort and the small dark moments in the movies (namely a man who dies and crumbles into a pile of rubble). And by the end of it all, a relatively happy, sunny ending. That’s all gon’ change later. :D

2. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets:

DOBBEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHH!!! LOOKIT THE ADORABLE HOUSE-ELF AND HIS MASOCHISTIC TENDENCIES! :D

Anyways, this movie is noticeably darker than the last one—in all the good ways. It’s not like Jak & Daxter where the first game was all sunshine and rainbows, and then the sequel was a full-on gritty, dark shooter where the first thing Jak says is “I’M GONNA KILL PRAXUS!” It’s not as silly as Shadow the Hedgehog either. There’s multiple moments where Harry almost dies, and the movie is less of a happy, sunshiny movie introducing the world and more of a mystery/suspense/whodunit film where the students investigate secrets about the eponymous chamber, and certain characters being petrified by a beast. This movie felt like there were actual stakes involved and some of the side characters could possibly die at any time. This is also the movie that had a badass encounter with a basilisk and the revelation of the world’s most demonic wizard of all time: TOM RIDDLE. …Whoo?

3. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: The weakest film, but by far not horrible. The first movie that doesn’t really feature Lord Voldemort in any capacity, but one that deals heavily with Harry’s history, and the history of some other characters. Plus it also introduces Remus Lupin and Sirius Black, two mentor-like figures for Harry I grew very fond of. Also Lupin is a werewolf, and he’s an adorable doggo that you just wanna pet. Even though he could tear your face off. :D There’s a lot of twists and turns and a lotta reveals in this film—all of which are necessary, but all of which kind of be a detriment to the film to an extent. Certain key details in the book aren’t in the film that needed to be in the film. Which is odd, because this movie is shorter than the last two when it shouldn’t have been. All issues aside, I do still really enjoy it. It’s the first mature movie in the series, even if it’s not the darkest. Plus there’s several more locations besides just Hogwarts and London, which was nice. Also, the title logo is getting darker. Do not like that. D:

4. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: And here we’re back to basics! Just another standard film where Harry is involved with a series of intense wizarding sports all in favor of claiming the eponymous Goblet of Fire award! This is the first movie where you see the Harry, Ronald, Hermione trio at odds with each other—namely because of Ron’s pettiness. It’s not out of nowhere, but it is…annoying. Rightfully so, but I just don’t like it when close friends bicker amongst one another over picayune shit. The movie also expands upon some special wizard spells, such as breathing underwater with a bubble around your head and transforming part of your body into a shark (that was so cool :D). This is also the movie where we learn of the Three Unforgiveable Spells, further showing off the dark notions of the movies that will come in the future. But all in all, a thoroughly enjoyable film about four wizards competing against one another.

AND THEN CEDRIC DIGGORY DIES! :D

This is my favorite movie (besides the Deathly Hallows duology) in the franchise, because it’s a firm reminder of how life works. Sometimes people close to you die. Sometimes all these extravagant plans you’ve set up for the year go horribly wrong. Sometimes bad shit happens and there’s nothing you can do about it. Sometimes you get older and you just realize life is not as perfect as it seems and some of the meaningless shit that you endure is just that: meaningless. But it’s just a lesson people have to learn sooner or later, and this is the perfect time in the franchise to invoke this lesson. Harry and his friends realize this as well, because by the end of the film, they finally set aside their grievances and become close friends again.

5. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: THAT PINK BITCH AND HER PINK ASS AND HER PINK CUNTINGNESS AND HER FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING PINK!

So this movie introduces the most hateable character in the whole franchise: Dolores Umbridge. Lord Voldemort is cruel and sadistic, but Dolores is just sickeningly depraved and everything wrong with authoritative figures who abuse their power. At least Lord Voldemort isn’t a condescending twat who hides his true colors by pretending to be nice. But enough about all that. Really love this movie too because it shows you that sometimes adults are dumbasses. Sometimes adults don’t do the right thing. Sometimes they don’t care about protecting children and teenagers; they only care about what the public thinks about them. Which is why Harry and many of his followers end up forming their own “resistance” group to study magic on their own to face off against Lord Voldemort and his followers. This is a bit more plot-driven than character-driven, but there are still plenty of moments that stand out quite a bit, namely Harry’s discussion with Sirius Black about good and evil—and Sirius blatantly explaining that there are no pure good or evil people. Everything is gray. Which makes it all the more upsetting when a complex character such as this is murdered at the end by Bellatrix Lestrange. X__X It’s okay though, because there’s a very heartwarming / heartbreaking scene later on that had tears running down my face. Also, Luna Lovegood. She is a character everyone loves. And that is all you need to know. :D

6. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE. THERE I SAID IT.

Much to my everlasting shame, there are a few bits and pieces of the film that are slipping my mind—and it’s possibly because I saw the film when I was tired as fuck. X__X Nevertheless, this movie’s not entirely as dark as the previous two. Similar to Prisoner of Azkaban, there’s lots of reveals and new twists and turns that I enjoyed. This is the first movie that finally gave Draco Malfoy some character development and improved Harry’s relationship with Dumbledore. I really enjoyed all the personal moments we got involving Severus Snape and the stuff between Dumbledore and Harry. I liked the investigation as the two of them tried to look for one of Lord Voldemort’s horcruxes so they could find a way to put a stop to him. And obviously there was the brilliant scene at the end where Dumbledore is cornered on the tower before being killed by Snape. Magnificent acting from both Tom Felton as well as Alan Rickman especially. Also, Lavender Brown. Fuck that bitch and her bow and trying to steal Ron from Hermione. >__>

7. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows -- Part 1:

DOBBEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHH!!! :D

…Ohhhhh, he’s all clean now. Ehhhh, he’s not all filthy and grimy like in the second movie. Damn it. >__>

This was really less of a Harry Potter film and more of a road trip film between Ron, Harry, and Hermione as they try to find all the horcruxes to finally stop Lord Voldemort. Hogwarts was barely involved at all—I really liked that! This was also the first movie where J.K. Rowling started killing off anyone at random. Which is made blatantly clear in the first ten minutes when Hedwig is killed at complete random. They did not have to kill Harry’s owl for fuck’s sake. >__> There’s not a whole lot of twists and turns in this movie, and in a sense, it’s actually slower than some of the previous ones. But in this movie, it’s warranted and needed. The heroes know they could die at any moment; they have to cherish all the good they can before they suddenly drop dead. You could take out small scenes like Harry and Hermione dancing with each other in a tent with no dialogue, but we seriously need scenes like that, just bits where the protagonists can settle down. Ron finally deals with his inner demons while destroying another horcrux, we finally get to see Draco’s father, Lucius, for the little cowardly shit he is, and we get to see how needlessly sadistic and assholeish Lord Voldemort is. But it’s all okay, because in the end, Harry and his friends end up saving a kidnapped Luna, Dobby does some badass shit, and the heroes finally subdue that Rat Twat Peter Pettigrew. So naturally they have to torture me by having Bellatrix kill off Dobby at literally the last moment. Which genuinely had me crying when the credits started to roll.

They fucking killed my goddamn house-elf.

8. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows -- Part 2: There’s a lot to say, and there’s also a whole lot not to say. There’s a big-ass battle between the bad guys and good guys. Good guys win. Lord Voldemort loses and dies. The end. Basically what I just said is how I would describe two-thirds of the superhero movies that have come out the past decade, but the way this movie executes it all is so damn unique and groundbreaking. Once again, anyone can die at any moment. Several side characters, like Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks and Fred Weasley (WHY ) get offed. And also Lavender Brown (I am sorry for hating you before >__<). The action sequences are spectacular and nearly reminiscent of something you’d see in Dark Souls. The acting is phenomenal. The wand fights and spells used are much more fierce and intense, choreographed in a way to make it seem like deadly sword fights. Neville is now a badass and no longer the butt monkey—to the point where he decapitates a big-ass deadly snake. And of course, there’s the sequences of revelations we discover about Snape towards the end.

A series of revelations that resulted in pokemonmanic and I sobbing hysterically over Alan Rickman’s acting and the full conclusion that is Severus Snape’s wonderfully complex arc. Regardless of how you feel about Snape, you can’t deny that Rickman put on a performance that left a permanent mark on his career—this and his role as Hans Gruber. …Shame he’s no longer with us…but that’s how it is I suppose. If you hate Snape, well, you can be happy that he dies. If you love Snape, then you can be happy with the fact that his character arc is capable of making you shed tears. As least it was for me. After everything is over, it’s revealed everyone got married and had children. All of whom go to Hogwarts. Yay. You could argue that it’s kind of cheesy and cliché, but after all the bullshit the heroes went through?

I’d say it’s well-earned.

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So there we go, those are my thoughts on the Harry Potter films. Obviously I didn’t talk about everything, but eh. Journal’s getting long enough. You can always leave comments or message me on Telegram if you wanna chat about more shiz. No, I’m not gonna talk about the Fantastic Beasts movies—I haven’t seen them yet. No, I’m not gonna discuss some of the other controversies going on with J.K. Rowling or some of the other possible controversies regarding the franchise as a whole. All I know is that over the past month, I saw eight magnificent, emotional films and it somewhat rectified how shitty this year has been. And I don’t expect 2021 to be better in the slightest. And I don’t expect movie theaters to reopen within the next few weeks. Maybe even months.

But at least, in terms of movies, I can end this year saying the last movie I saw in theaters was Sonic the Hedgehog (…I never did review that, did I?) and the last movie franchise I saw was Harry Potter.


Suppose that’s something.

It’s cyberpunk meets cosmic horror. Whoo?

RATING: 6/10

So Transient is a game where you play as a man named Carter. You and your three friends have recently stolen a MacGuffin from a secret organization in a cyberpunk universe where society cares more about spending their time in virtual reality and uploading their consciousness into computers to converse with one another. One of Carter’s teammates turns up dead. And then lots of weird…shit starts happening. Like a lot.

I’m not gonna go much into the plot. Mainly because it’s intentionally confusing and there are some parts of the plot that I’m not entirely sure of in terms of how it all played out.

Anyways, the gameplay is simple. It’s a puzzle-adventure game. You spend most of the game traveling to different places and areas, occasionally questions certain characters to find more information. Many times you hack computers and other technical objects, scanning the environment and looking for clues that’ll help you progress as you uncover a conspiracy much more disturbing than one could comprehend. Or something. Some of the puzzles are quite easy to figure out; all you gotta do is read a portion of a document that tells you a certain order to complete a puzzle. Other puzzles require you to think clearly in order to figure them out. But none of them are frustrating to the point where you have to look up the answers online or outright rage quit because of how long it’s taking you. Everything is (mostly) straightforward…gameplay-wise, anyway.

The game also mixes things up quite a lot so it doesn’t become repetitive. Chapter 3 in particular has you playing two games within the game—one of which is very akin to Resident Evil. And it’s not just an optional sidequest; you have to play said games to advance in the story. While the controls were a bit ass, I thoroughly enjoyed it! Some mini-games require you to navigate through a computer network to unlock keys or information; some require you to unlock doors in a certain fashion, etc. It’s not a simple key-hunt game or anything like that, which is nice.

The scenery and music is by far the best compliment I can give the game. No, it’s not some triple-A studio budgeted game, but for some game made by an indie studio, the graphics and the levels of detail within the environment is absolutely breathtaking. You really do feel immersed in both the cosmic horror sceneries as well as the cyberpunk sceneries whenever you’re there. And all of the ambient noises and music playing within each location only adds to the atmosphere. Really gives you the sense that you’re wandering around in these worlds.

Character models are hit and miss. Most of the humans (namely Carter) look a bit…meh. But all of the creatures and eldritch abominations look magnificent. Someone joked that the scariest-looking character in the game is Carter himself. To be frank I don’t entirely disagree with that statement. But I’ve played my share of indie games with off-looking character models, so it’s nothing super distracting for me personally.

Game’s pretty short. I beat it in a little over five hours and basically only two different sittings. The final chapter in particular has no puzzles at all and can be finished in ten minutes, even if you don’t know where to go. I also need to point out, besides one segment where you’re trapped in a room and have five minutes to get out, there is absolutely no danger in this game. You don’t even have to worry about so much as falling to your death. It’s purely a puzzle game, not survival horror. So don’t get this game expecting it to be cyberpunk Outlast or something.

THEN THERE’S THE END.

I won’t spoil anything, but the ending of the game is gonna result in one of two outcomes: you’re gonna wanna replay the game more thoroughly to try and see if you missed crucial information, or you’re gonna get frustrated and want a refund. It’s really hard to even call this game’s ending an “ending,” as opposed to saying the game stops. You’re left confused, puzzled, wanting more questions answered, and wanting more from this game. But I highly doubt we’re gonna get it. Now, given the nature of the game, I was expecting the ending to be confusing, if not batshit-insane (Nyarlathotep appears at one point for crying out loud X__X). But there’s a difference between an ending that is confusing and/or makes no sense, and a non-ending that smashes to the credits rolling. This game fell into the latter camp.


So would I recommend this game?


Mm.

Um.

…Yeeeeesssssssss? Maybe when it goes on sale?


As a whole, yes, I did enjoy this game. I was fully invested in the plot and the universe. But the rushed non-ending…kind of ruins the game. Because you spend the whole game expecting answers to be revealed. The game has been building up to tons of revelations. And right when you start to figure out what’s going on, the game stops. And since I don’t believe there are alternate endings, knowing that the game ends this way no matter what you do kind of defeats the purpose of getting invested in the plot. That being said, for some reason I do feel like I missed something somewhere…am prolly gonna replay it at some point in the future.

This game could’ve easily spent more time focusing on the cosmic horror angle more. There’s a point in the game that genuinely made me pause. You can encounter some optional NPC who’s “staring” out a window mumbling to himself. He talks about how everything you see is an illusion. That he’s not real; he’s just a thought of someone’s mind, or that the cosmos have simply fabricated you into a virtual world. And it was evident he was talking about how he knew he was an NPC, but it goes both ways. For all you know, we don’t have identities. We’re not special; we’re not our own beings. We’re just things indescribable deities and monsters cobble together for their own entertainment. We’re just entities who are…programmed to do what our designers designed us to do.

…This is the kind of stuff cosmic horror delves into. And the cyberpunk angle really does work quite well to explore these existential themes. But I feel it wasn’t explored to its full potential. Perhaps I’m supposed to make this review because some…thing is telling me to do it. Perhaps it doesn’t matter whether or not anyone reads this or comments on it. We’re all just things that’ll die eventually when the cosmos gets bored of us. The whole universe will forget about our species and we’ll just be small paragraphs in some history book.


Um…

…

…

…


ANYWHO! BACK TO WRITING PORN AND STANKY CHARACTERS SHITTING THEMSELVES!

It’s the 2016 remake of DOOM. But no.

RATING: 5/10.


So Hellbound is an indie first-person shooter that’s clearly paying homage to all those bloody, gory, action-packed 90s games like DOOM and Quake, etc. The game isn’t trying to hide this—it’s actually part of its advertising. And yes, for all intents and purposes, this game most definitely is more or less a 90s FPS game!

…But not made by the original creators.

The plot is simple, nonexistent. You play a burly shirtless dude named Hellgore. He swears a lot. He likes blowing shit up. He likes killing monsters and demons. And so on. He’s a combination of Doom Guy and Duke Nukem. Apparently the demons in this game wiped out most of Hellgore’s race and other allies, or something like that. Anyway, it’s Hellgore’s job to kill all the demons and stop the big baddie leading all the monsters. And now we have our game.

So right off the bat, the biggest problem with this game is that it’s trying so hard to be like DOOM that it doesn’t have its own identity. At no point did I say “Wow, I’m playing Hellbound!” I just kept saying “Oh. I’m playing Diet DOOM.” Now look, nothing’s wrong with paying homage to other games; nothing’s wrong with making a game similar to another game. But you need you have your own kind of style to make yourself stand out. Let’s say someone saw a painter using specific colors and techniques to craft beautiful paintings. It is perfectly fine to use those exact same tools to make your own piece of art. But you have to make your own art; it’s not a good idea to try and copy the person who inspired you.

Which is what Hellbound does, unfortunately.

Gameplay’s pretty standard. You got your rifle, machine gun, shotgun, rocket launcher, melee weapon. Pretty much any weapon works fine with most of the enemies. The enemies themselves aren’t overly-complex. You got the demons who shoot at you with the same guns you got. You got tall, horned demons who chuck fireballs at you. You got asshole feral demons who attack by running towards you and lunging at you and can one-hit kill you sometimes. I hate these fucking things so much. And…that’s it. The only other enemy is the final/only boss in the game. But otherwise, these are the only enemies in the game. Which is okay, but the problem is that in order to make the game harder, the developers just spam enemies in overly-vast wide open areas. New enemies aren’t ever introduced; old enemies aren’t reformatted to be more difficult. It’s just these three enemies, and that’s it.

The level design is hit or miss. Some of them are incredible and well-designed; others are very wide…and long…and barren. The scenery looks beautiful—that’s for damn sure. Especially for an indie game that looks like it was made by only a small team of developers. Some of the stages visually look very nice, even if the overall design is a bit blah. So props there.

By far the best thing about this game is the soundtrack. It’s just nonstop heavy metal, head-banging, kickass soundtracks blaring in your ears from start to finish. No point in being a total badass unless the game reflects said tone as well via soundtrack. There’s nothing on the levels of being an eargasm sorta speak (especially considering I finished Spark the Electric Jester not too long ago), but goddamn is it impressive.

The final stage is disappointing. You kill a couple enemies. Then you encounter the boss. Then you beat the boss. And then the game’s over. The boss himself only has one attack, which is hurling giant blue energy balls at you. The only reason why the final boss is challenging is because, again, the game spams enemies at you the entire time. But the boss himself is pathetic.


So would I recommend this game?

Um…

…

…

Eh.

No.

This game is completely inoffensive. It’s not pushing some agenda; it’s not political; it’s not trying to cash in on real life issues; it’s not following memes; it’s not controversial; it’s not subverting expectations solely because it can. It’s just a gory, action-packed FPS. What you see is what you get. And that’s fine. But that’s the problem.

This game is just fine.

There’s nothing unique about it; it doesn’t have its own style. And because of that, I found myself not getting bored…but just playing the game because I spent money on it, and I needed to finish it since I figured the game was gonna be short anyways. As I said before, there’s nothing wrong with making a “DOOM clone” game. But you need your own uniqueness to bring to the table.

DUSK is a wonderful DOOM clone that has cosmic horror elements to it. It has its own style that makes it stand out and it’s absolutely enthralling.

AMID EVIL is a…science fantasy(?) DOOM clone that incorporates modern-day game mechanics and combines it with a strange, but interesting medieval lore behind it. It’s fantastic.

Duke Nukem 3D is a DOOM-like game (which came out before DOOM I believe? The first one at least) that is self-aware of what it is and takes the piss out of it while also making the protagonist a rugged trash-talking badass who has no problem breaking the fourth wall. And said game is riddled with dark humor.

The friggin’ Chex Quest trilogy is a series of DOOM clones made for children and all three games are loads of fun, with its methods of obtaining health meaning eating fruits and vegetables or drinking water, and your methods of armor consist of putting on a “Chex” shield, and your guns are small devices that zap gooey alien invaders back to their dimension.


No one’s stopping you from buying Hellbound, but for the sake of argument?

DUSK is $20.

AMID EVIL is $20.

There’s a DUSK and AMID EVIL bundle for $35.

Duke Nukem 3D is $20.

The Chex Quest HD Remake along with the original Chex Quest trilogy are all free.


You’re better off paying the extra five dollars.

Huh. It’s like Rogue One but better.

RATING: 10/10

Okay so since I got a new PC and shiz I’ve finally been able to play some games on the computer. I’ve never owned an Xbox console. Never plan on getting one. But  islethewolf informed me that there’s a Halo collection on Steam. You get five games for forty dollars. And seeing as how I’ve wanted to finish the trilogy, I went ahead and bought it. And after Isle told me that Halo: Reach is a prequel similar to Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep (which I also love), I went ahead and decided to play it. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand it’s fantastic. :D

Plot’s simple. You’re cosigned Noble Six and you join the Noble Squadron. Your team investigates a relay signal going offline on planet Reach and you realize the Covenant is behind it. And then you do more investigation and you realize there’s a colossal Covenant fleet about to invade. Shit hits the fan and lots of people die. And I like that. This isn’t a criticism, but I have played the first two Halo games and I remember that halfway into both of them, the plot and tone shifts. First game turned into cosmic horror with the Flood; second game introduced the Covenant civil war and brought back the Flood on top of that. I get the feeling Halo 3 does the same. But Halo: Reach is basically straightforward and simple with its plot. The big “twists” are that your teammates gradually start dying as you progress.

I like the fact that the gameplay is basically the same as the first game, but they do incorporate new elements from other games into it. The Brutes are enemies, even though they didn’t show up until the second game. You can swap out some of your power-ups, such as cloaking and the ability to do stealth takedowns (granted you’ll lose your sprinting ability). The Grunts will sometimes straight-up kamikaze your ass with plasma grenades. Which is hilariously morbid and equally frustrating, because sometimes they’ll do this without warning and insta-kill you. You can use a jetpack. And that is all I need to say in regards to that. There’s a space combat mission.

GODDAMN, WAS THAT AMAZING.

Also, apparently Jackals have wings and can fly now. Apparently they do that in the third game, so looking forward to that. >__>


I really adore the voice acting. There’s a difference between saying your lines in monotone, overacting your lines, and coming across as a regular-sounding person who doesn’t scream and exaggerate everything they say. Aqua’s voice actress, Willa Holland, is a wonderful example of this. There are a lotta times where your team comes across as being somewhat stoic all the time, but whenever something startling happens or something tragic happens, they maintain their character without exaggerating. And that does help make the characters feel more believable. Nobody sits down and starts sobbing hysterically when a teammate dies; nobody monologues for five minutes about how much of a great person this guy or this chick was. They don’t have time for that; they’re in the middle of a war and they have to set those feelings aside. But I notice that whenever someone dies, your teammates sound more solemn, like they’re depressed or angry, but they gotta push forward.

This is also why I thoroughly enjoy the Noble Team. They don’t give you these vast introductions and lengthy speeches about where they grew up or a family they got back at home; that’s not important. You find out what kind of people these guys are as you fight alongside them in the game. Jorge is the compassionate big guy; Emile is the cynically realistic asshole; Carter is the leader the team respects; Kat is the tech expert who’s also badass and kind of sarcastic; Jun is the friendly sniper; Noble Six is the newbie, but he’s not the rookie, so he’s rarely talked down to and the Noble Team fights alongside him the same way they would anyone else. Are they wonderfully-written characters with layers upon layers built into their development? No. Most of them end up dying before that can happen anyway. But for this kind of game, it worked for me.

The campaign is actually kinda short; I beat the game in three separate sittings, all of which were about two-and-a-half hours long. So I beat the game in say…seven or eight hours. But, again, that kinda worked for me. Because you don’t want the game to be too long and repetitive, and since this game doesn’t have any major plot twists like the other Halo games, there’s only so much you can do before it becomes boring. I feel like the gameplay went on just long enough and had enough variety before it got to that point. Plus, this made the game very fast-paced and hectic. You’re always running around trying to stop the Covenant from fucking you over, and when you finally accomplish your goal, the Covenant fucks you over anyway, and you gotta come up with a new plan. From the fifth level onwards, you never have a chance to breathe; you always feel like something could go wrong if you relax.


Also can we talk about how this game’s themes aren’t beating you against the face with an anvil? War is hell—yes, we all know that. But the game does not have the characters crying over fallen soldiers or have people giving monologues about how awful war is or any of that type of shit. The game shows you how awful war can be. There’s a point in the game where you’re in a dropship mounting a machine gun and various groups of soldiers and civilians are begging for assistance. There’s nothing you can do to help them because the entire city that you’re in is getting swarmed and you are just one squad. You cannot protect and save everyone simultaneously. You just can’t.

Did you enjoy the space combat mission where you had to protect a human space carrier? Good. Watch as it gets torn to shreds by the Covenant after you finish said mission. Did you enjoy having mini-recruit soldiers join your crew? They can die if you fail to protect them, and the game with cross out their names and remove them from your squad list. Do you like Jorge, the burly nice guy with that Hungarian(?) accent? Okay cool. Watch him sacrifice his life to blow up a Covenant cruiser. Do you like Kat? Awesome. Watch as she gets shot in the skull by a sniper and dies immediately. Do you like being a one-man army fighting off hordes of enemies? Good news for you! The final mission has you do just that!

And then have you realize that one man cannot stop hundreds of Covenant soldiers charging towards you when you have absolutely no backup and no way of recovering health.


So would I recommend this game? I mean…I spent forty dollars for five games. So I got this game for eight bucks. And yeah, as far as I can say, my money was well spent. Thoroughly enjoyed the combat. Loved the voice acting. Liked the characters. Loved the plot. Loved the tone. Loved the fact that this game took a very realistic approach to its situation. I’m trying to think about something in this game that I do not like, and nothing comes to mind. Like I said, the campaign is short, but I feel like it had to be so it wouldn’t feel like rinse, repeat.

I feel like I shouldn’t have liked this game. The characters aren’t well-developed, but they’re developed enough given the situation, and I cared about them enough to feel upset when many of them died. The plot is simple and straightforward, but I enjoy the fact that the plot in question was incredibly dire and that stakes were involved. The gameplay is similar to other Halo games, but it has enough gadgets and variety to make it feel like it’s not just a case of copy/paste. The campaign is short, but it makes the plot very fast-paced and intense. There’s a very brutal theme present throughout the game, but it isn’t in your face all the time and the game isn’t lecturing you about said themes; it’s showing you said themes in a way that fits the tone and the style of the game properly without feeling forced.

All in all, thoroughly pleasant experience. Might actually review the next three Halo games after I finish with those.