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Halo: Reach Review
General | Posted 5 years agoHuh. It’s like Rogue One but better.
RATING: 10/10
Okay so since I got a new PC and shiz I’ve finally been able to play some games on the computer. I’ve never owned an Xbox console. Never plan on getting one. But
islethewolf informed me that there’s a Halo collection on Steam. You get five games for forty dollars. And seeing as how I’ve wanted to finish the trilogy, I went ahead and bought it. And after Isle told me that Halo: Reach is a prequel similar to Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep (which I also love), I went ahead and decided to play it. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand it’s fantastic. :D
Plot’s simple. You’re cosigned Noble Six and you join the Noble Squadron. Your team investigates a relay signal going offline on planet Reach and you realize the Covenant is behind it. And then you do more investigation and you realize there’s a colossal Covenant fleet about to invade. Shit hits the fan and lots of people die. And I like that. This isn’t a criticism, but I have played the first two Halo games and I remember that halfway into both of them, the plot and tone shifts. First game turned into cosmic horror with the Flood; second game introduced the Covenant civil war and brought back the Flood on top of that. I get the feeling Halo 3 does the same. But Halo: Reach is basically straightforward and simple with its plot. The big “twists” are that your teammates gradually start dying as you progress.
I like the fact that the gameplay is basically the same as the first game, but they do incorporate new elements from other games into it. The Brutes are enemies, even though they didn’t show up until the second game. You can swap out some of your power-ups, such as cloaking and the ability to do stealth takedowns (granted you’ll lose your sprinting ability). The Grunts will sometimes straight-up kamikaze your ass with plasma grenades. Which is hilariously morbid and equally frustrating, because sometimes they’ll do this without warning and insta-kill you. You can use a jetpack. And that is all I need to say in regards to that. There’s a space combat mission.
GODDAMN, WAS THAT AMAZING.
Also, apparently Jackals have wings and can fly now. Apparently they do that in the third game, so looking forward to that. >__>
I really adore the voice acting. There’s a difference between saying your lines in monotone, overacting your lines, and coming across as a regular-sounding person who doesn’t scream and exaggerate everything they say. Aqua’s voice actress, Willa Holland, is a wonderful example of this. There are a lotta times where your team comes across as being somewhat stoic all the time, but whenever something startling happens or something tragic happens, they maintain their character without exaggerating. And that does help make the characters feel more believable. Nobody sits down and starts sobbing hysterically when a teammate dies; nobody monologues for five minutes about how much of a great person this guy or this chick was. They don’t have time for that; they’re in the middle of a war and they have to set those feelings aside. But I notice that whenever someone dies, your teammates sound more solemn, like they’re depressed or angry, but they gotta push forward.
This is also why I thoroughly enjoy the Noble Team. They don’t give you these vast introductions and lengthy speeches about where they grew up or a family they got back at home; that’s not important. You find out what kind of people these guys are as you fight alongside them in the game. Jorge is the compassionate big guy; Emile is the cynically realistic asshole; Carter is the leader the team respects; Kat is the tech expert who’s also badass and kind of sarcastic; Jun is the friendly sniper; Noble Six is the newbie, but he’s not the rookie, so he’s rarely talked down to and the Noble Team fights alongside him the same way they would anyone else. Are they wonderfully-written characters with layers upon layers built into their development? No. Most of them end up dying before that can happen anyway. But for this kind of game, it worked for me.
The campaign is actually kinda short; I beat the game in three separate sittings, all of which were about two-and-a-half hours long. So I beat the game in say…seven or eight hours. But, again, that kinda worked for me. Because you don’t want the game to be too long and repetitive, and since this game doesn’t have any major plot twists like the other Halo games, there’s only so much you can do before it becomes boring. I feel like the gameplay went on just long enough and had enough variety before it got to that point. Plus, this made the game very fast-paced and hectic. You’re always running around trying to stop the Covenant from fucking you over, and when you finally accomplish your goal, the Covenant fucks you over anyway, and you gotta come up with a new plan. From the fifth level onwards, you never have a chance to breathe; you always feel like something could go wrong if you relax.
Also can we talk about how this game’s themes aren’t beating you against the face with an anvil? War is hell—yes, we all know that. But the game does not have the characters crying over fallen soldiers or have people giving monologues about how awful war is or any of that type of shit. The game shows you how awful war can be. There’s a point in the game where you’re in a dropship mounting a machine gun and various groups of soldiers and civilians are begging for assistance. There’s nothing you can do to help them because the entire city that you’re in is getting swarmed and you are just one squad. You cannot protect and save everyone simultaneously. You just can’t.
Did you enjoy the space combat mission where you had to protect a human space carrier? Good. Watch as it gets torn to shreds by the Covenant after you finish said mission. Did you enjoy having mini-recruit soldiers join your crew? They can die if you fail to protect them, and the game with cross out their names and remove them from your squad list. Do you like Jorge, the burly nice guy with that Hungarian(?) accent? Okay cool. Watch him sacrifice his life to blow up a Covenant cruiser. Do you like Kat? Awesome. Watch as she gets shot in the skull by a sniper and dies immediately. Do you like being a one-man army fighting off hordes of enemies? Good news for you! The final mission has you do just that!
And then have you realize that one man cannot stop hundreds of Covenant soldiers charging towards you when you have absolutely no backup and no way of recovering health.
So would I recommend this game? I mean…I spent forty dollars for five games. So I got this game for eight bucks. And yeah, as far as I can say, my money was well spent. Thoroughly enjoyed the combat. Loved the voice acting. Liked the characters. Loved the plot. Loved the tone. Loved the fact that this game took a very realistic approach to its situation. I’m trying to think about something in this game that I do not like, and nothing comes to mind. Like I said, the campaign is short, but I feel like it had to be so it wouldn’t feel like rinse, repeat.
I feel like I shouldn’t have liked this game. The characters aren’t well-developed, but they’re developed enough given the situation, and I cared about them enough to feel upset when many of them died. The plot is simple and straightforward, but I enjoy the fact that the plot in question was incredibly dire and that stakes were involved. The gameplay is similar to other Halo games, but it has enough gadgets and variety to make it feel like it’s not just a case of copy/paste. The campaign is short, but it makes the plot very fast-paced and intense. There’s a very brutal theme present throughout the game, but it isn’t in your face all the time and the game isn’t lecturing you about said themes; it’s showing you said themes in a way that fits the tone and the style of the game properly without feeling forced.
All in all, thoroughly pleasant experience. Might actually review the next three Halo games after I finish with those.
RATING: 10/10
Okay so since I got a new PC and shiz I’ve finally been able to play some games on the computer. I’ve never owned an Xbox console. Never plan on getting one. But
islethewolf informed me that there’s a Halo collection on Steam. You get five games for forty dollars. And seeing as how I’ve wanted to finish the trilogy, I went ahead and bought it. And after Isle told me that Halo: Reach is a prequel similar to Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep (which I also love), I went ahead and decided to play it. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand it’s fantastic. :DPlot’s simple. You’re cosigned Noble Six and you join the Noble Squadron. Your team investigates a relay signal going offline on planet Reach and you realize the Covenant is behind it. And then you do more investigation and you realize there’s a colossal Covenant fleet about to invade. Shit hits the fan and lots of people die. And I like that. This isn’t a criticism, but I have played the first two Halo games and I remember that halfway into both of them, the plot and tone shifts. First game turned into cosmic horror with the Flood; second game introduced the Covenant civil war and brought back the Flood on top of that. I get the feeling Halo 3 does the same. But Halo: Reach is basically straightforward and simple with its plot. The big “twists” are that your teammates gradually start dying as you progress.
I like the fact that the gameplay is basically the same as the first game, but they do incorporate new elements from other games into it. The Brutes are enemies, even though they didn’t show up until the second game. You can swap out some of your power-ups, such as cloaking and the ability to do stealth takedowns (granted you’ll lose your sprinting ability). The Grunts will sometimes straight-up kamikaze your ass with plasma grenades. Which is hilariously morbid and equally frustrating, because sometimes they’ll do this without warning and insta-kill you. You can use a jetpack. And that is all I need to say in regards to that. There’s a space combat mission.
GODDAMN, WAS THAT AMAZING.
Also, apparently Jackals have wings and can fly now. Apparently they do that in the third game, so looking forward to that. >__>
I really adore the voice acting. There’s a difference between saying your lines in monotone, overacting your lines, and coming across as a regular-sounding person who doesn’t scream and exaggerate everything they say. Aqua’s voice actress, Willa Holland, is a wonderful example of this. There are a lotta times where your team comes across as being somewhat stoic all the time, but whenever something startling happens or something tragic happens, they maintain their character without exaggerating. And that does help make the characters feel more believable. Nobody sits down and starts sobbing hysterically when a teammate dies; nobody monologues for five minutes about how much of a great person this guy or this chick was. They don’t have time for that; they’re in the middle of a war and they have to set those feelings aside. But I notice that whenever someone dies, your teammates sound more solemn, like they’re depressed or angry, but they gotta push forward.
This is also why I thoroughly enjoy the Noble Team. They don’t give you these vast introductions and lengthy speeches about where they grew up or a family they got back at home; that’s not important. You find out what kind of people these guys are as you fight alongside them in the game. Jorge is the compassionate big guy; Emile is the cynically realistic asshole; Carter is the leader the team respects; Kat is the tech expert who’s also badass and kind of sarcastic; Jun is the friendly sniper; Noble Six is the newbie, but he’s not the rookie, so he’s rarely talked down to and the Noble Team fights alongside him the same way they would anyone else. Are they wonderfully-written characters with layers upon layers built into their development? No. Most of them end up dying before that can happen anyway. But for this kind of game, it worked for me.
The campaign is actually kinda short; I beat the game in three separate sittings, all of which were about two-and-a-half hours long. So I beat the game in say…seven or eight hours. But, again, that kinda worked for me. Because you don’t want the game to be too long and repetitive, and since this game doesn’t have any major plot twists like the other Halo games, there’s only so much you can do before it becomes boring. I feel like the gameplay went on just long enough and had enough variety before it got to that point. Plus, this made the game very fast-paced and hectic. You’re always running around trying to stop the Covenant from fucking you over, and when you finally accomplish your goal, the Covenant fucks you over anyway, and you gotta come up with a new plan. From the fifth level onwards, you never have a chance to breathe; you always feel like something could go wrong if you relax.
Also can we talk about how this game’s themes aren’t beating you against the face with an anvil? War is hell—yes, we all know that. But the game does not have the characters crying over fallen soldiers or have people giving monologues about how awful war is or any of that type of shit. The game shows you how awful war can be. There’s a point in the game where you’re in a dropship mounting a machine gun and various groups of soldiers and civilians are begging for assistance. There’s nothing you can do to help them because the entire city that you’re in is getting swarmed and you are just one squad. You cannot protect and save everyone simultaneously. You just can’t.
Did you enjoy the space combat mission where you had to protect a human space carrier? Good. Watch as it gets torn to shreds by the Covenant after you finish said mission. Did you enjoy having mini-recruit soldiers join your crew? They can die if you fail to protect them, and the game with cross out their names and remove them from your squad list. Do you like Jorge, the burly nice guy with that Hungarian(?) accent? Okay cool. Watch him sacrifice his life to blow up a Covenant cruiser. Do you like Kat? Awesome. Watch as she gets shot in the skull by a sniper and dies immediately. Do you like being a one-man army fighting off hordes of enemies? Good news for you! The final mission has you do just that!
And then have you realize that one man cannot stop hundreds of Covenant soldiers charging towards you when you have absolutely no backup and no way of recovering health.
So would I recommend this game? I mean…I spent forty dollars for five games. So I got this game for eight bucks. And yeah, as far as I can say, my money was well spent. Thoroughly enjoyed the combat. Loved the voice acting. Liked the characters. Loved the plot. Loved the tone. Loved the fact that this game took a very realistic approach to its situation. I’m trying to think about something in this game that I do not like, and nothing comes to mind. Like I said, the campaign is short, but I feel like it had to be so it wouldn’t feel like rinse, repeat.
I feel like I shouldn’t have liked this game. The characters aren’t well-developed, but they’re developed enough given the situation, and I cared about them enough to feel upset when many of them died. The plot is simple and straightforward, but I enjoy the fact that the plot in question was incredibly dire and that stakes were involved. The gameplay is similar to other Halo games, but it has enough gadgets and variety to make it feel like it’s not just a case of copy/paste. The campaign is short, but it makes the plot very fast-paced and intense. There’s a very brutal theme present throughout the game, but it isn’t in your face all the time and the game isn’t lecturing you about said themes; it’s showing you said themes in a way that fits the tone and the style of the game properly without feeling forced.
All in all, thoroughly pleasant experience. Might actually review the next three Halo games after I finish with those.
The Last of Us, Part II Review (SPOILERS)
General | Posted 5 years agoInstead of focusing on enhancing the universe of the previous game and the characters from the previous game, they decided to subvert expectations and make the game very long and tedious, all of which leads to multiple unresolved, forgotten, or anticlimactic conclusions.
RATING: 2/10
I don’t feel like dwelling on this game much anymore, so I’m just gonna spit-ball most of the stuff that was important.
SPOILERS. SPOILERS. SPOILS. FOILS.
By the time I ended the game, Joel’s death didn’t even bother me. How he died and when he died I feel was a mistake. But given what Joel did in the first game, it was bound to come back and bite him in the ass.
Ellie’s storyline can be surmised as this: You gotta find some dude or chick via wandering through the wasteland of the city for about two or three hours. You find them. They’re already dead. Or you kill them abruptly in a cutscene. Rinse, repeat. I did really enjoy the whole open-world segment early on in the game where you and Dina explore a giant section of Seattle—that was arguably the best part of the game. Just two young women bonding with each other and exploring the world and still having time to play the guitar and sing “Take on Me.” Loved it. Everything else was blah.
Abby as a character, believe it or not, I liked. She had an actual arc and became a better person in the end. I genuinely thought that was nice. She beat the shit out of Ellie and she let go of her vengeance before Ellie did. I liked her interactions with Lev. I liked the whole scene of her conquering her fear of heights. She had better gameplay. She had better weapons. She had more action-packed sequences. So yeah….shockingly, I like Abby.
I don’t give a fuck about anyone in Abby’s storyline except Lev. They all die in Ellie’s storyline, so who cares? Manny is an asshole who says “pendejo” a lot. Owen is there. Danny exists. Yara I kinda liked, but then she dies abruptly. Isaac is just there. Mel is a hypocritical pregnant bitch I hated. I straight up said “Fuck you and your fucking baby. Fuck your baby.” when I stabbed her while playing as Ellie.
And herein lies the problem with this game. Ellie’s storyline is repetitive and anticlimactic. Abby’s storyline is all done for the sake of servicing characters I don’t give a fuck about or characters who die abruptly. I spent five hours looking for tools to amputate Yara’s arm. I fought the goddamn Rat King to get them. Then she dies abruptly in a cutscene. I chased after Lev because he was trying to confront his mother. I find Lev, and it turns out he killed his mother off-screen in self-defense, rendering the whole journey pointless.
Jesse is a person. Then he gets shot in the face and dies. No one cares. Okay. Whatever.
Tommy is a badass. Then he gets shot in the face. Then he calls Ellie an ungrateful bitch because she tried to move on and forget about Abby but he wasn’t able to do it. Okay. Whatever.
The Rattlers are a group of antagonists. They’re there just to be there at the end of the game. Okay. Whatever.
Fat Geralt punches the fuck outta Lev and knocks him out cold.
I like Dina. I liked her relationship with Ellie. Ellie ruins it to go after Abby again after the game clearly ends. Which I understand—she had PTSD and all that. And I understand why Dina left. But I feel like it would've been more impactful if the game gave you the option to stay, or to fight Abby, kill her, and then come home to see that Dina and the baby are gone. Instead, you go after Abby, fight her, spare her, come home to nothing.
I was playing the game while talking to a friend over Discord with the volume up loud. However I wasn’t livestreaming it or shareplaying it. So when I got to the climactic fight between Ellie and Abby at the end, he said it sounded like two lesbians in a sex scene. What should’ve been the most impactful moment of the game turned into the most hysterical moment as we both laughed our asses off while Ellie and Abby violent grunted and screamed while beating the shit out of each other. Playing the game for thirty-five hours almost made that whole sequence worth it.
Lev was cool. I liked how he shared his philosophy with Abby, how he explained that the goddess they worship isn’t evil and doesn’t preach evil. Rather people have twisted her words to become something malicious and convinced other people to follow said words. Plus his socially awkward moment with Abby were also kinda funny.
Yes, Ellie is gay. Yes, Dina is bisexual. Yes, Lev is transgender. …And? Why does this matter? Why should this make the game any better or worse? So what if they’re on the LGBT spectrum? That shouldn’t matter at all. What should matter is whether or not they’re well-written characters. Abby is a straight female. I like her because she has an actual character arc and because she grows overtime. Lev is a male transgender. I like Lev because he ends up becoming Abby’s best friend despite the fact that both of them are part of rival factions. He also has an arc and grows close to Abby. Their sexual orientation shouldn’t fucking matter when it comes to creating characters. If a character has no personality besides being transgender, gay, black, female, Asian, Hispanic, white, Middle Eastern, Jewish, etc., then you’ve written a shitty character.
The Infected were still surprisingly scary and menacing, especially because newer versions of them kept popping up throughout the game. Just when you think you’re safe, boom. New type of Infected baddie. Definitely the major positive of this game.
Other shit happens I forgot to mention. I don’t care. I don’t wanna talk about it anymore. I’m done with this fucking game.
Because of how divisive this game is, I do think you should play it for yourself and see if you like it. Some people genuinely like this game—and that’s just fine. I am not one of those people. If all you care about is the gameplay of the first game and you want more? Then you might actually like this game. You may even love it. But if you cared about the characters and the story? …Eh. Might not be a fan of this game.
I don’t think you should pay money for this. Rent it. Borrow it from a friend. Do not spend money on this game.
If you like it, cool. Buy the game and replay it on New Game+. If you hate the game, cool. Least you didn’t spend money on it. Honest to god, I played this game for over thirty hours and I feel like it was just a waste of time. Meanwhile, I recently got a new computer working, played a game called Dead Bits that was made by one person and can be beaten in two hours or less, and that game was more entertaining than this. It didn’t have the same level of budget or graphics, but goddamn was that game fun and had a banging soundtrack. Just to give y’all a little insight about quality vs. quantity and substance vs. style.
“But JT! You didn’t talk about the game’s themes of revenge!”
Huh? Oh, that.
Revenge is bad. It’s very bad. Don’t dwell on revenge. If you do, you’re a bad person.
And being bad is bad. So don’t be bad. Because that’s bad. And when you’re bad, bad things happens and people die. And that’s bad.
There. I just summed up the game for you. Now let us shower Neil Druckmann with billions of dollars for telling the world of this groundbreaking moral that hasn’t been done better a thousand times over.
Imma go play DUSK now.
Bye.
RATING: 2/10
I don’t feel like dwelling on this game much anymore, so I’m just gonna spit-ball most of the stuff that was important.
SPOILERS. SPOILERS. SPOILS. FOILS.
By the time I ended the game, Joel’s death didn’t even bother me. How he died and when he died I feel was a mistake. But given what Joel did in the first game, it was bound to come back and bite him in the ass.
Ellie’s storyline can be surmised as this: You gotta find some dude or chick via wandering through the wasteland of the city for about two or three hours. You find them. They’re already dead. Or you kill them abruptly in a cutscene. Rinse, repeat. I did really enjoy the whole open-world segment early on in the game where you and Dina explore a giant section of Seattle—that was arguably the best part of the game. Just two young women bonding with each other and exploring the world and still having time to play the guitar and sing “Take on Me.” Loved it. Everything else was blah.
Abby as a character, believe it or not, I liked. She had an actual arc and became a better person in the end. I genuinely thought that was nice. She beat the shit out of Ellie and she let go of her vengeance before Ellie did. I liked her interactions with Lev. I liked the whole scene of her conquering her fear of heights. She had better gameplay. She had better weapons. She had more action-packed sequences. So yeah….shockingly, I like Abby.
I don’t give a fuck about anyone in Abby’s storyline except Lev. They all die in Ellie’s storyline, so who cares? Manny is an asshole who says “pendejo” a lot. Owen is there. Danny exists. Yara I kinda liked, but then she dies abruptly. Isaac is just there. Mel is a hypocritical pregnant bitch I hated. I straight up said “Fuck you and your fucking baby. Fuck your baby.” when I stabbed her while playing as Ellie.
And herein lies the problem with this game. Ellie’s storyline is repetitive and anticlimactic. Abby’s storyline is all done for the sake of servicing characters I don’t give a fuck about or characters who die abruptly. I spent five hours looking for tools to amputate Yara’s arm. I fought the goddamn Rat King to get them. Then she dies abruptly in a cutscene. I chased after Lev because he was trying to confront his mother. I find Lev, and it turns out he killed his mother off-screen in self-defense, rendering the whole journey pointless.
Jesse is a person. Then he gets shot in the face and dies. No one cares. Okay. Whatever.
Tommy is a badass. Then he gets shot in the face. Then he calls Ellie an ungrateful bitch because she tried to move on and forget about Abby but he wasn’t able to do it. Okay. Whatever.
The Rattlers are a group of antagonists. They’re there just to be there at the end of the game. Okay. Whatever.
Fat Geralt punches the fuck outta Lev and knocks him out cold.
I like Dina. I liked her relationship with Ellie. Ellie ruins it to go after Abby again after the game clearly ends. Which I understand—she had PTSD and all that. And I understand why Dina left. But I feel like it would've been more impactful if the game gave you the option to stay, or to fight Abby, kill her, and then come home to see that Dina and the baby are gone. Instead, you go after Abby, fight her, spare her, come home to nothing.
I was playing the game while talking to a friend over Discord with the volume up loud. However I wasn’t livestreaming it or shareplaying it. So when I got to the climactic fight between Ellie and Abby at the end, he said it sounded like two lesbians in a sex scene. What should’ve been the most impactful moment of the game turned into the most hysterical moment as we both laughed our asses off while Ellie and Abby violent grunted and screamed while beating the shit out of each other. Playing the game for thirty-five hours almost made that whole sequence worth it.
Lev was cool. I liked how he shared his philosophy with Abby, how he explained that the goddess they worship isn’t evil and doesn’t preach evil. Rather people have twisted her words to become something malicious and convinced other people to follow said words. Plus his socially awkward moment with Abby were also kinda funny.
Yes, Ellie is gay. Yes, Dina is bisexual. Yes, Lev is transgender. …And? Why does this matter? Why should this make the game any better or worse? So what if they’re on the LGBT spectrum? That shouldn’t matter at all. What should matter is whether or not they’re well-written characters. Abby is a straight female. I like her because she has an actual character arc and because she grows overtime. Lev is a male transgender. I like Lev because he ends up becoming Abby’s best friend despite the fact that both of them are part of rival factions. He also has an arc and grows close to Abby. Their sexual orientation shouldn’t fucking matter when it comes to creating characters. If a character has no personality besides being transgender, gay, black, female, Asian, Hispanic, white, Middle Eastern, Jewish, etc., then you’ve written a shitty character.
The Infected were still surprisingly scary and menacing, especially because newer versions of them kept popping up throughout the game. Just when you think you’re safe, boom. New type of Infected baddie. Definitely the major positive of this game.
Other shit happens I forgot to mention. I don’t care. I don’t wanna talk about it anymore. I’m done with this fucking game.
Because of how divisive this game is, I do think you should play it for yourself and see if you like it. Some people genuinely like this game—and that’s just fine. I am not one of those people. If all you care about is the gameplay of the first game and you want more? Then you might actually like this game. You may even love it. But if you cared about the characters and the story? …Eh. Might not be a fan of this game.
I don’t think you should pay money for this. Rent it. Borrow it from a friend. Do not spend money on this game.
If you like it, cool. Buy the game and replay it on New Game+. If you hate the game, cool. Least you didn’t spend money on it. Honest to god, I played this game for over thirty hours and I feel like it was just a waste of time. Meanwhile, I recently got a new computer working, played a game called Dead Bits that was made by one person and can be beaten in two hours or less, and that game was more entertaining than this. It didn’t have the same level of budget or graphics, but goddamn was that game fun and had a banging soundtrack. Just to give y’all a little insight about quality vs. quantity and substance vs. style.
“But JT! You didn’t talk about the game’s themes of revenge!”
Huh? Oh, that.
Revenge is bad. It’s very bad. Don’t dwell on revenge. If you do, you’re a bad person.
And being bad is bad. So don’t be bad. Because that’s bad. And when you’re bad, bad things happens and people die. And that’s bad.
There. I just summed up the game for you. Now let us shower Neil Druckmann with billions of dollars for telling the world of this groundbreaking moral that hasn’t been done better a thousand times over.
Imma go play DUSK now.
Bye.
No More Commissions
General | Posted 5 years agoI've come to the conclusion that I no longer have time to really do anything anymore. And seeing as how commissions keep getting put on hold or end up being delayed/stalled/what-have-you, I'm cancelling commissions altogether from this point forward.
"But what if I already paid and the commission's currently a WIP?"
I'll finish your story. Unless you're tired of waiting and want a refund. In which case I'll give you back all your money and cancel your story.
"...Will you ever open commissions again?"
Not unless I lose/quit my job. And/Or not unless it's an absolute emergency and I desperately need extra cash. But I don't see the point in doing commissions when it's taking me over a month just to do one and some people are getting irritated with how long it's taking me to give them an update. And in many cases I don't even finish it.
"But I thought you said you were okay with doing my idea!"
I was.
Then I got suspended from FA for a week.
Then the beer virus happened.
Then I had a mental breakdown and had to put everything on hiatus.
Then the world decided to start burning everything.
Then my job decided to start putting new procedures in place for absolutely no reason except to stress out its employees.
So.
I'm getting to a point where I can't enjoy anything I do because I have to turn everything I do into some kind of chore. So when I actually get around to doing commissions, I have zero motivation to work on them. Because it just feels like I'm doing more work when I've already spent all day working and/or have to go to sleep early to wake up early for work. And then I come home tired. I got a Nintendo Switch for my birthday and I've only played the damn thing one time in two weeks.
I'm just.......just tired.
I'm just tired of not having energy to do anything.
"But what if I already paid and the commission's currently a WIP?"
I'll finish your story. Unless you're tired of waiting and want a refund. In which case I'll give you back all your money and cancel your story.
"...Will you ever open commissions again?"
Not unless I lose/quit my job. And/Or not unless it's an absolute emergency and I desperately need extra cash. But I don't see the point in doing commissions when it's taking me over a month just to do one and some people are getting irritated with how long it's taking me to give them an update. And in many cases I don't even finish it.
"But I thought you said you were okay with doing my idea!"
I was.
Then I got suspended from FA for a week.
Then the beer virus happened.
Then I had a mental breakdown and had to put everything on hiatus.
Then the world decided to start burning everything.
Then my job decided to start putting new procedures in place for absolutely no reason except to stress out its employees.
So.
I'm getting to a point where I can't enjoy anything I do because I have to turn everything I do into some kind of chore. So when I actually get around to doing commissions, I have zero motivation to work on them. Because it just feels like I'm doing more work when I've already spent all day working and/or have to go to sleep early to wake up early for work. And then I come home tired. I got a Nintendo Switch for my birthday and I've only played the damn thing one time in two weeks.
I'm just.......just tired.
I'm just tired of not having energy to do anything.
Disintegration Review
General | Posted 5 years agoIt’s SOMA, but they took out all the existential storytelling and replaced it with explosive shooty goodness.
RATING: 7/10.
So while I was busy not playing a certain other game I don’t wanna talk about, I bought this game too! :D It’s a li’l sci-fi shooter made by an indie studio of about thirty people that feels a lot like Halo to an extent while also having some of the gameplay similar to a strategy command game. It’s the future, dozens of years after the beer virus has wiped out most of humanity. Basically scientists have found out how to have your brain transferred into robot bodies through a process known as “Integration.” You play as this cool celebrity of sorts who went around advertising about the whole process. Unfortunately, there’s a buncha red-eyed baddie robots who wanna exterminate humanity and everyone who believes in free will and free thinking and blah-blah-blah-blah. You get kidnapped by a nasty robot named Black Shuck, then you escape his prison facility, then you meet up with a gang of other robots, then you form a resistance with said robots and gain access to drive a floating motorcycle called a gravcycle. It has guns and shiz and it’s really cool. You go around with your crew shooting all the evil robots so you can save the world.
Now we have our game!
All right, so what I like about the game is that the gameplay is relatively simple. The tutorial is easy to follow, and once it’s over, boom. You’re right in. This isn’t like Halo in a sense that you just run around with rocket launchers and machine guns; each mission has you assigned to a couple members of your squad, and it’s up to you to assign them where to go, what to do, whether they can open up certain crates, etc. This isn’t a gimmick either; there’s several moments in game where you have to use your teammates to advance in the game, like using them to disable EMP towers or having them unlock doors and gates to get through. Or use ‘em to help out other teammates. Or simply use ‘em to take out enemies you can’t get to because you’re too damaged. That being said, you gotta make sure you protect said team with a gun that deploys health bullets and shiz, because if they die, you only got half a minute to resurrect them before you fail a mission.
Your team in question is actually pretty cool. You got the former cop who’s inside a bulky robot who fired giant missiles; you got a sassy black woman who isn’t afraid to blow shit up; you got the funny black guy who’s surprisingly very funny but also a total badass; there’s a colossal robot who’s basically the Hulk, and so on and so forth. There isn’t a whole lot of backstory given to your teammates, and that’s fine for the most part. You learn more about your team via their interactions between missions as well as how they behave and what they say/talk about on the battlefield. There’s no massive exposition dump or any crap like that—which makes it feel natural.
Plot’s basic. There’s evil robots doing bad shit around the country. Stop them. Okay there. Plot’s done. :D There’s a couple of twists halfway into the game, but nothing monumental, and nothing that is controversial and nothing that completely ruins the narrative. Like a certain other game! :D
Honestly most of the reason why I love this game is because of how simple it is. You fly around in a hoverbike-like vehicle shooting at robots, blowing robots up, instructing your badass crew to blow up robots, and defeating evil to help the resistance. It feels good floating around with your gravcycle wrecking shit. It’s wonderful taking on massive horde of enemies and blasting away all kinds of giant robots that can tear you to shreds. It’s cool watching your teammate Six-Oh-Two sprinting towards the enemy and literally beating them to death with his big-ass fists because he’s just that badass. What makes the game work is that with every other mission, they introduce a new kind of enemy or some new kind of challenge that either makes the missions harder, or makes the players strategize in advance as opposed to simply doing the same shit over and over again so it doesn’t feel monotonous. And by the time the game feels like it might go in that direction, it’s over.
This game isn’t above doing shocking shit either. There’s a point in the game where a major character dies. I had no idea this was going to happen; a cutscene starts, and then suddenly, boom. Character’s dead. It genuinely upset me and made me pissed off at the villain who killed him. And the best part about this whole scene is that it makes sense within the narrative. The game established earlier on that the character who dies is a bit reckless and stupid. So when he does something indirectly stupid that gets him in trouble, it bites him in the ass. And even though you can resurrect your teammates, the game even has a reason as to why you can’t: this character was killed miles away from you. By the time you reach his body, it’s already too late to revive him. Everything about this character’s death makes sense without seeming overly-forced and it felt like there was purpose behind it.
UNLIKE A CERTAIN OTHER GAME! :D
Of course since it’s an indie game, it does have some glitches in it. Some of the cutscenes do feel like the dialogue doesn’t synch up properly. Some of the lines are a bit cheesy or corny. The voice acting is surprisingly decent though—I’ll say that much. And like I said, it’s not in-depth. If you’re expecting SOMA levels of dialogue or existentialism, it’s not here. This ain’t that kind of game. And while the game knows what it is, it could’ve done a bit more with its plot and some of its characters, considering it felt like they were going in that direction but simply didn’t have the time.
My biggest criticism, believe it or not, is the price. You can beat the game in about ten hours—probably less than that if you aren’t trying to get all the achievements and challenges. I paid $50 for this game. Yes, really. I’m fine with supporting indie developers and I’m not mad that I paid this much, but this is a game that doesn’t really do a whole lot new. And while it is stylish in what it does, again…fifty bucks is high. I paid $25 for Mutant Year Zero: Road to Eden (that’s a magnificent game; I highly recommend you buy that right now; it’s got a snarky duck in it who’s basically me; also buy the DLC—shameless advertising; shush your face) and that game had nearly twice as much content as this game. Even with the $15 DLC, it’s still cheaper than this game, and much more satisfying. Not that this game is bad! But it’s ehhhhhhh that damn price tag.
So would I recommend you buy this game? Yes, but later. Or at least rent it. I say buy this game when it’s $25, maybe $30 at most. But $50 is seriously high. Like I said, this game doesn’t do a whole lot new or special. But nevertheless, this game still essentially embraces what it is and has fun with itself. And sometimes that’s really all you need. I compare this game to Redeemer—a game that you can beat in about four or five hours. It’s a top-down beat ‘em up/shooter where you beat up mutants, cyborgs, and bad guys. You reach the boss, kill him, game ends. Still thoroughly enjoy that game though.
This game…I feel like this game out at the proper time. Because The Last of Us, Part II over-complicated itself simply for the sake of doing so and making players think the game’s more special than it actually is. It spent more time being stylish and groundbreaking as opposed to telling a great story that isn’t controversial. And now look where we are. This game came out a few days beforehand and basically everyone has overlooked it. This game doesn’t do anything groundbreaking because it wasn’t trying to. It was trying to make itself be an entertaining game. And that’s what it is! Sometimes that’s all a game needs to be: entertaining. A game is supposed to make you want to play it the further along you go, not make you realize that you’re doing the same shit over and over again until you get bored or realize you’re wasting your time playing it.
Jeremy Jahns said it best when he reviewed Grand Theft Auto V: I would rather play a three-hour game that makes me say “HOLY SHIT; THAT WAS AWESOME!” versus a 30+ hour game that makes me say “Why am I doing this? Why am I playing this? Why did I spend money on this?”
RATING: 7/10.
So while I was busy not playing a certain other game I don’t wanna talk about, I bought this game too! :D It’s a li’l sci-fi shooter made by an indie studio of about thirty people that feels a lot like Halo to an extent while also having some of the gameplay similar to a strategy command game. It’s the future, dozens of years after the beer virus has wiped out most of humanity. Basically scientists have found out how to have your brain transferred into robot bodies through a process known as “Integration.” You play as this cool celebrity of sorts who went around advertising about the whole process. Unfortunately, there’s a buncha red-eyed baddie robots who wanna exterminate humanity and everyone who believes in free will and free thinking and blah-blah-blah-blah. You get kidnapped by a nasty robot named Black Shuck, then you escape his prison facility, then you meet up with a gang of other robots, then you form a resistance with said robots and gain access to drive a floating motorcycle called a gravcycle. It has guns and shiz and it’s really cool. You go around with your crew shooting all the evil robots so you can save the world.
Now we have our game!
All right, so what I like about the game is that the gameplay is relatively simple. The tutorial is easy to follow, and once it’s over, boom. You’re right in. This isn’t like Halo in a sense that you just run around with rocket launchers and machine guns; each mission has you assigned to a couple members of your squad, and it’s up to you to assign them where to go, what to do, whether they can open up certain crates, etc. This isn’t a gimmick either; there’s several moments in game where you have to use your teammates to advance in the game, like using them to disable EMP towers or having them unlock doors and gates to get through. Or use ‘em to help out other teammates. Or simply use ‘em to take out enemies you can’t get to because you’re too damaged. That being said, you gotta make sure you protect said team with a gun that deploys health bullets and shiz, because if they die, you only got half a minute to resurrect them before you fail a mission.
Your team in question is actually pretty cool. You got the former cop who’s inside a bulky robot who fired giant missiles; you got a sassy black woman who isn’t afraid to blow shit up; you got the funny black guy who’s surprisingly very funny but also a total badass; there’s a colossal robot who’s basically the Hulk, and so on and so forth. There isn’t a whole lot of backstory given to your teammates, and that’s fine for the most part. You learn more about your team via their interactions between missions as well as how they behave and what they say/talk about on the battlefield. There’s no massive exposition dump or any crap like that—which makes it feel natural.
Plot’s basic. There’s evil robots doing bad shit around the country. Stop them. Okay there. Plot’s done. :D There’s a couple of twists halfway into the game, but nothing monumental, and nothing that is controversial and nothing that completely ruins the narrative. Like a certain other game! :D
Honestly most of the reason why I love this game is because of how simple it is. You fly around in a hoverbike-like vehicle shooting at robots, blowing robots up, instructing your badass crew to blow up robots, and defeating evil to help the resistance. It feels good floating around with your gravcycle wrecking shit. It’s wonderful taking on massive horde of enemies and blasting away all kinds of giant robots that can tear you to shreds. It’s cool watching your teammate Six-Oh-Two sprinting towards the enemy and literally beating them to death with his big-ass fists because he’s just that badass. What makes the game work is that with every other mission, they introduce a new kind of enemy or some new kind of challenge that either makes the missions harder, or makes the players strategize in advance as opposed to simply doing the same shit over and over again so it doesn’t feel monotonous. And by the time the game feels like it might go in that direction, it’s over.
This game isn’t above doing shocking shit either. There’s a point in the game where a major character dies. I had no idea this was going to happen; a cutscene starts, and then suddenly, boom. Character’s dead. It genuinely upset me and made me pissed off at the villain who killed him. And the best part about this whole scene is that it makes sense within the narrative. The game established earlier on that the character who dies is a bit reckless and stupid. So when he does something indirectly stupid that gets him in trouble, it bites him in the ass. And even though you can resurrect your teammates, the game even has a reason as to why you can’t: this character was killed miles away from you. By the time you reach his body, it’s already too late to revive him. Everything about this character’s death makes sense without seeming overly-forced and it felt like there was purpose behind it.
UNLIKE A CERTAIN OTHER GAME! :D
Of course since it’s an indie game, it does have some glitches in it. Some of the cutscenes do feel like the dialogue doesn’t synch up properly. Some of the lines are a bit cheesy or corny. The voice acting is surprisingly decent though—I’ll say that much. And like I said, it’s not in-depth. If you’re expecting SOMA levels of dialogue or existentialism, it’s not here. This ain’t that kind of game. And while the game knows what it is, it could’ve done a bit more with its plot and some of its characters, considering it felt like they were going in that direction but simply didn’t have the time.
My biggest criticism, believe it or not, is the price. You can beat the game in about ten hours—probably less than that if you aren’t trying to get all the achievements and challenges. I paid $50 for this game. Yes, really. I’m fine with supporting indie developers and I’m not mad that I paid this much, but this is a game that doesn’t really do a whole lot new. And while it is stylish in what it does, again…fifty bucks is high. I paid $25 for Mutant Year Zero: Road to Eden (that’s a magnificent game; I highly recommend you buy that right now; it’s got a snarky duck in it who’s basically me; also buy the DLC—shameless advertising; shush your face) and that game had nearly twice as much content as this game. Even with the $15 DLC, it’s still cheaper than this game, and much more satisfying. Not that this game is bad! But it’s ehhhhhhh that damn price tag.
So would I recommend you buy this game? Yes, but later. Or at least rent it. I say buy this game when it’s $25, maybe $30 at most. But $50 is seriously high. Like I said, this game doesn’t do a whole lot new or special. But nevertheless, this game still essentially embraces what it is and has fun with itself. And sometimes that’s really all you need. I compare this game to Redeemer—a game that you can beat in about four or five hours. It’s a top-down beat ‘em up/shooter where you beat up mutants, cyborgs, and bad guys. You reach the boss, kill him, game ends. Still thoroughly enjoy that game though.
This game…I feel like this game out at the proper time. Because The Last of Us, Part II over-complicated itself simply for the sake of doing so and making players think the game’s more special than it actually is. It spent more time being stylish and groundbreaking as opposed to telling a great story that isn’t controversial. And now look where we are. This game came out a few days beforehand and basically everyone has overlooked it. This game doesn’t do anything groundbreaking because it wasn’t trying to. It was trying to make itself be an entertaining game. And that’s what it is! Sometimes that’s all a game needs to be: entertaining. A game is supposed to make you want to play it the further along you go, not make you realize that you’re doing the same shit over and over again until you get bored or realize you’re wasting your time playing it.
Jeremy Jahns said it best when he reviewed Grand Theft Auto V: I would rather play a three-hour game that makes me say “HOLY SHIT; THAT WAS AWESOME!” versus a 30+ hour game that makes me say “Why am I doing this? Why am I playing this? Why did I spend money on this?”
I Don't Know if I'm Gonna Finish The Last of Us, Part II....
General | Posted 5 years agoI have been playing this game for twenty-one goddamn hours.
TWENTY-ONE. FUCKING. GODDAMN. HOURS.
It's the same puzzle solving, the same human enemy encounters, the same padding, the same long treks across vegetation-riddled lands, and after spending anywhere between thirty minutes to two whole hours trying to reach your goal, there's a very anticlimactic cutscene and/or reveal and/or resolution. There's a point in the game where another character just up and gets shot in the face and dies out of nowhere. It's just a thing that happened because it does.
I'm just--I'm tired. I'm spending my time hunting down all these people for revenge and one of two things happens: they're killed by someone else, or they die in a short cutscene with no effort. The only exception has been a wonderful and tense hospital chase sequence. When I got around to playing as Abby, I immediately stopped giving a fuck about anything. I just don't fucking care anymore.
"JT, why are you still playing it?"
Because for every two hours of tedium, there's moments in the game that genuinely hit me or I consider to be fun and/or tense. Also I spent $60 on it. But I'm at the point now where it's not becoming worth it anymore. I'm not even being all that stealthy anymore; I just jog and run through areas because this game is so damn long and I'm tired of it.
I just want this game to end. But it won't.
It keeps going. And it won't stop. X___X
TWENTY-ONE. FUCKING. GODDAMN. HOURS.
It's the same puzzle solving, the same human enemy encounters, the same padding, the same long treks across vegetation-riddled lands, and after spending anywhere between thirty minutes to two whole hours trying to reach your goal, there's a very anticlimactic cutscene and/or reveal and/or resolution. There's a point in the game where another character just up and gets shot in the face and dies out of nowhere. It's just a thing that happened because it does.
I'm just--I'm tired. I'm spending my time hunting down all these people for revenge and one of two things happens: they're killed by someone else, or they die in a short cutscene with no effort. The only exception has been a wonderful and tense hospital chase sequence. When I got around to playing as Abby, I immediately stopped giving a fuck about anything. I just don't fucking care anymore.
"JT, why are you still playing it?"
Because for every two hours of tedium, there's moments in the game that genuinely hit me or I consider to be fun and/or tense. Also I spent $60 on it. But I'm at the point now where it's not becoming worth it anymore. I'm not even being all that stealthy anymore; I just jog and run through areas because this game is so damn long and I'm tired of it.
I just want this game to end. But it won't.
It keeps going. And it won't stop. X___X
The Last of Us, Part II: How It's Been So Far
General | Posted 5 years agoThis is a joke, right?
This is a joke.
.................
...This-this is a joke.
All right, so. I'm gonna do what I did seven years ago and make a mini-review so far, and then pump out a full-on review once I'm fully done with the game.
So......many red flags going off right now. Many, many, many red flags.
Now full disclosure, I am aware of the leaks of the game. I spoiled myself on said leaks. But I didn't know just how true they were, and how said spoilers happened. But I won't talk about that just yet. Um.
I've played this game for three hours so far. And nothing has happened except one crucial event. Like...the first three hours of the game has no plot. You ride a horse as Joel. Then cutscenes. Then you explore a town as Ellie. Then cutscenes. Then you switch over and play some butch bitch named Abby...who I do not like very much--and this was before the spoiler happened. Abby just comes off as being selfish and acting like she's some hardass and we...don't know why yet. But she didn't give off a good first impression. I haven't touched The Last of Us in half a decade, but I distinctly remember the connection between Ellie and Joel. It's so adorable and heartwarming when I saw them together on screen again. Made me smile. Made me laugh when Joel told that joke about eating a clock. And then you switch over to Abby and her companion Owen and their relationship is...it feels forced. The conflict they have feels forced. It just feels like the game is forcing you to sympathize with this character. And right when you start to....she does this horrendous thing I won't spoil. And apparently we're going to play as her for half the game. Like.....what? :/
For the first three hours, you ride a horse, you collect scraps, you explore an abandoned town with a teenager/young woman named Dina, and that's it. And also you kill lots of the infected. And to be fair, I didn't mind that! I actually really like Dina so far and her relationship with Ellie feels quite nice. But Ellie and Dina initially aren't doing anything plot-important. They're just clearing out local areas of the infected, and that's it.
It genuinely feels like the people writing this game did not know what the fuck to do, so they said:
"Oh, shit. Um.....let's do this controversial thing."
"We can't do that! We'll piss off the whole fanbase! We'll go down in infamy just like The Walking Dead killing off Carl and Game of Thrones shitting all over its last season!"
"Yeah. Well. People want a sequel. We don't know where else the plot can go. So we're gonna do this."
"BUT THE FANS!"
"It's okay. We'll just say we subverted their expectations. People will think it's clever."
"Oh okay, cool. Subverting expectations for no reason is the new trend these days!"
Yeah.
................................Yeah.
*sighs*
I'll finish the game. I paid $60 for it; I have to. And hopefully I'll have a review for the full game up in a week or two.
I will say that the combat system is nice. It still feels like you're in the game genuinely choking the shit out of enemies and stabbing them in the throat or snapping their necks.
But yeah, as of right now? This is the sheer contrast of how the first game was. Shit hit the fan ten minutes in and had a huge character death that left me in tears, even though I knew it was coming. I was fully invested in all of the characters and desperately wanted to see how everything wrapped up.
With this game, nothing happens for three hours besides some monster encounters. Just as the game got interesting with a high-speed chase, the game makes a controversial decision. And unlike the first game, where I was in tears even though I knew the death was going to happen, with this game, I just stared at the screen repeatedly saying:
"This is a joke. This...This is a joke."
So yeah, those are my thoughts on the game so far. The gameplay is good so far, but there's even more cutscenes in this game than the first one, so I can't even say that's a compliment either.
But hey, it's all good, because this game apparently has a lot of LGBT representation in it. The story is bland so far and I don't like many of the newcomers yet, but hey. LGBT.
Whoo? :/
This is a joke.
.................
...This-this is a joke.
All right, so. I'm gonna do what I did seven years ago and make a mini-review so far, and then pump out a full-on review once I'm fully done with the game.
So......many red flags going off right now. Many, many, many red flags.
Now full disclosure, I am aware of the leaks of the game. I spoiled myself on said leaks. But I didn't know just how true they were, and how said spoilers happened. But I won't talk about that just yet. Um.
I've played this game for three hours so far. And nothing has happened except one crucial event. Like...the first three hours of the game has no plot. You ride a horse as Joel. Then cutscenes. Then you explore a town as Ellie. Then cutscenes. Then you switch over and play some butch bitch named Abby...who I do not like very much--and this was before the spoiler happened. Abby just comes off as being selfish and acting like she's some hardass and we...don't know why yet. But she didn't give off a good first impression. I haven't touched The Last of Us in half a decade, but I distinctly remember the connection between Ellie and Joel. It's so adorable and heartwarming when I saw them together on screen again. Made me smile. Made me laugh when Joel told that joke about eating a clock. And then you switch over to Abby and her companion Owen and their relationship is...it feels forced. The conflict they have feels forced. It just feels like the game is forcing you to sympathize with this character. And right when you start to....she does this horrendous thing I won't spoil. And apparently we're going to play as her for half the game. Like.....what? :/
For the first three hours, you ride a horse, you collect scraps, you explore an abandoned town with a teenager/young woman named Dina, and that's it. And also you kill lots of the infected. And to be fair, I didn't mind that! I actually really like Dina so far and her relationship with Ellie feels quite nice. But Ellie and Dina initially aren't doing anything plot-important. They're just clearing out local areas of the infected, and that's it.
It genuinely feels like the people writing this game did not know what the fuck to do, so they said:
"Oh, shit. Um.....let's do this controversial thing."
"We can't do that! We'll piss off the whole fanbase! We'll go down in infamy just like The Walking Dead killing off Carl and Game of Thrones shitting all over its last season!"
"Yeah. Well. People want a sequel. We don't know where else the plot can go. So we're gonna do this."
"BUT THE FANS!"
"It's okay. We'll just say we subverted their expectations. People will think it's clever."
"Oh okay, cool. Subverting expectations for no reason is the new trend these days!"
Yeah.
................................Yeah.
*sighs*
I'll finish the game. I paid $60 for it; I have to. And hopefully I'll have a review for the full game up in a week or two.
I will say that the combat system is nice. It still feels like you're in the game genuinely choking the shit out of enemies and stabbing them in the throat or snapping their necks.
But yeah, as of right now? This is the sheer contrast of how the first game was. Shit hit the fan ten minutes in and had a huge character death that left me in tears, even though I knew it was coming. I was fully invested in all of the characters and desperately wanted to see how everything wrapped up.
With this game, nothing happens for three hours besides some monster encounters. Just as the game got interesting with a high-speed chase, the game makes a controversial decision. And unlike the first game, where I was in tears even though I knew the death was going to happen, with this game, I just stared at the screen repeatedly saying:
"This is a joke. This...This is a joke."
So yeah, those are my thoughts on the game so far. The gameplay is good so far, but there's even more cutscenes in this game than the first one, so I can't even say that's a compliment either.
But hey, it's all good, because this game apparently has a lot of LGBT representation in it. The story is bland so far and I don't like many of the newcomers yet, but hey. LGBT.
Whoo? :/
One Sentence Review: Rock & Rule
General | Posted 5 years agoThis movie is a figurative and literal cult classic.
RATING: GO WATCH IT/10.
So
Crashwolf and I decided to watch Rock & Rule super late at night since the movie was posted on YouTube for free. I saw this movie completely sober. Crash got high.
And, um...just wow. Holy shit man.
I...cannot make a fully comprehensible review of this film. And I think it's because I was sober.
It's a shame that even way back in the 80s, movies like this ended up getting buried because of production issues and executive meddling and because it wasn't "popular" or "trending" at the time. So thank you, Internet, for keeping this batshit insane, bizarrely-animated movie alive.
Do not watch this movie sober and alone. Watch this movie while you're high. Watch this movie with a friend or two. Or several. Or better yet, do what Crash and I did and watch this film where one of you is high and the other is sober, just to have that sheer contrast between one another. It'll make the movie that much more fucking hysterical.
I have...never felt this way about a movie before, and I have to praise and respect the people behind this for committing to such a balls-to-the-wall idea like this and not bitching out at the last minute, like many mainstream films do nowadays.
There's really nothing I can say to accurately describe this film in words. You just have to see it and experience it.
RATING: GO WATCH IT/10.
So
Crashwolf and I decided to watch Rock & Rule super late at night since the movie was posted on YouTube for free. I saw this movie completely sober. Crash got high.And, um...just wow. Holy shit man.
I...cannot make a fully comprehensible review of this film. And I think it's because I was sober.
It's a shame that even way back in the 80s, movies like this ended up getting buried because of production issues and executive meddling and because it wasn't "popular" or "trending" at the time. So thank you, Internet, for keeping this batshit insane, bizarrely-animated movie alive.
Do not watch this movie sober and alone. Watch this movie while you're high. Watch this movie with a friend or two. Or several. Or better yet, do what Crash and I did and watch this film where one of you is high and the other is sober, just to have that sheer contrast between one another. It'll make the movie that much more fucking hysterical.
I have...never felt this way about a movie before, and I have to praise and respect the people behind this for committing to such a balls-to-the-wall idea like this and not bitching out at the last minute, like many mainstream films do nowadays.
There's really nothing I can say to accurately describe this film in words. You just have to see it and experience it.
Hiatus on Everything, Commissions Included
General | Posted 5 years agoGoing on hiatus on all stories related to FA for a while. Don't know when I'm gonna work on them again.
Could be a week.
Could be a month.
I'm not sure.
"...JT, what happened?"
Not gonna go into it. Two years ago, ironically around this exact same time, I made a journal saying that I was burnt out.
Guess what happened again last night?
No, I'm not physically ill, like I was in 2018. No, nobody in my immediate family has the coronavirus, as far as I'm concerned. But I reached a point last night where I was not......feeling well. And, um....I had to talk to someone for an hour before I felt better. And even then I don't think I'm "better." I don't just feel as shitty as I did last night. I'm not going into detail about what happened; PM me or message me on Discord, Telegram, what have you if you're really curious.
But I basically reached a point where I need time for myself.
I know everyone's upset. I know everyone's worried. I know everyone's dying and depressed and stressed and angry. I am fully aware of that. But if I don't take an extended amount of time focusing on myself, I am going to shut down completely from everyone forever.
Like I almost did last night.
"What about the commissions you still have in your queue?"
You're gonna have to wait. I'm not gonna bother sugar-coating it. Just be patient until I feel better.
"Is this why you crashed again?"
No. I don't want commissioners thinking this is why this is happening. Commissions are only a small fraction contributing to this decision. Everyone who has commissioned me this year has been very patient and understanding, and I thank you for that.
"This still doesn't change the fact that I paid money for a story from you and you haven't provided me with the product you promised. Not being a dick or anything, just telling it like it is."
This is fully understandable, and I do not disagree with this statement. But if you feel this way, and you cannot give me some personal time to myself so that I'm mentally capable of doing commissions, give me your PayPal address and I'll give you a full refund and cancel it altogether.
Anyway. That's it. Hopefully I'll feel better sooner than later.
Stay safe and all that.
Could be a week.
Could be a month.
I'm not sure.
"...JT, what happened?"
Not gonna go into it. Two years ago, ironically around this exact same time, I made a journal saying that I was burnt out.
Guess what happened again last night?
No, I'm not physically ill, like I was in 2018. No, nobody in my immediate family has the coronavirus, as far as I'm concerned. But I reached a point last night where I was not......feeling well. And, um....I had to talk to someone for an hour before I felt better. And even then I don't think I'm "better." I don't just feel as shitty as I did last night. I'm not going into detail about what happened; PM me or message me on Discord, Telegram, what have you if you're really curious.
But I basically reached a point where I need time for myself.
I know everyone's upset. I know everyone's worried. I know everyone's dying and depressed and stressed and angry. I am fully aware of that. But if I don't take an extended amount of time focusing on myself, I am going to shut down completely from everyone forever.
Like I almost did last night.
"What about the commissions you still have in your queue?"
You're gonna have to wait. I'm not gonna bother sugar-coating it. Just be patient until I feel better.
"Is this why you crashed again?"
No. I don't want commissioners thinking this is why this is happening. Commissions are only a small fraction contributing to this decision. Everyone who has commissioned me this year has been very patient and understanding, and I thank you for that.
"This still doesn't change the fact that I paid money for a story from you and you haven't provided me with the product you promised. Not being a dick or anything, just telling it like it is."
This is fully understandable, and I do not disagree with this statement. But if you feel this way, and you cannot give me some personal time to myself so that I'm mentally capable of doing commissions, give me your PayPal address and I'll give you a full refund and cancel it altogether.
Anyway. That's it. Hopefully I'll feel better sooner than later.
Stay safe and all that.
Coronavirus: Do Not Panic, Be Ignorant, or Stupid
General | Posted 6 years agoWash your hands.
Don’t touch your face.
Use hand sanitizer.
Wipe down surfaces with sanitizer wipes.
If you work at a job involving money, wear gloves.
Go about your day.
That’s all you gotta do.
People, listen. We’re not going to go extinct from the coronavirus.
If anything, we’re going to go extinct because people are stupid.
I literally just got through talking to a guy on Telegram who works in a hospital. He told me that he and other employees came into contact with a patient who has the virus. They quarantined the man and sedated him, but none of the employees are getting screened or tested for possibly having the virus. Because it’s just not important to them.
Jake: “Okay so your hospital ran into an actual person infected with coronovirus and they'll worry about it......next week.”
Other Guy: “so compared to other hospitals in the area
they are on full lockdown, every patient, employee or whatever who comes in gets screened first, which includes employees coming into work
only one entrance is open, the rest are locked down/guarded
at our hospital its business as usual
you can literally get in through like 10 doors around the building and get inside
even at night because the locks are broken or they dont shut all the way or they get propped open by smokers
lol we live in clown world where I work for some reason
our hospital police officers that are legit police and can arrest you, don't carry a gun, a taser or pepper spray”
Jake: “So the employees at your job could leave work and potentially spread the virus around the state because the people who run your hospital are incompetent retards.
Like I'm not saying you or anyone got infected, but you and other employees had direct contact. And you're telling me you can't even get checked.”
Other Guy: “Hey now you're getting it. xD
*But* I'm sure next week they will do something”
Yeah. So. After we talked for a while, I just told him to go get drunk. Because seriously.
Okay, so I’m not saying that you should completely ignore this. Do not do that. If you get sick, stay home. Don’t go around making direct skin contact. Get some cleaning supplies if you need them.
Do not lock yourself in your house for five months.
Do not spend thousands upon thousands of dollars buying hand sanitizer and soap.
Do not stop living your life because you might get sick.
DO NOT BUY EIGHT PACKS OF FUCKING TOILET PAPER! YOU WILL NOT LIVE LONGER IF YOU DON’T HAVE A DIRTY ASS FOR FUCK’S SAKE!
I know this shit is scary and all that shit, but do not panic. That’s not gonna help at all. I mean there isn’t fucking toilet paper in my store. People are stealing shit because they feel like they absolutely have to have it. People are stacking up on shit—which is understandable. Buying extra supplies and food is good.
BUYING FIVE THOUSANDS CANS OF ONE ITEM IS NOT.
Just…please…don’t panic about this; don’t immediately assume that the world’s gonna end.
Don’t watch the news. Just-just don’t. They’re not going to do anything but spread fear around and make things worse.
Like I said, I’m not saying that you should straight-up ignore what’s happening. But use common sense. Do not be stupid like the hospital my friend works at. Because that kind of shit will not help anything whatsoever.
”JT, this is going to get worse before it gets better.”
Yeah. It is. Italy has already shut down and they’re getting hit very hard over there. I live in North America, and it’s nowhere near as bad over here. But it’s gonna get worse, and I know that. Movies are getting delayed. Schools are closing. Colleges are closing. NBA shut down its season. E3 was cancelled. Disneyland has closed. Cons are probably gonna close. And yeah, it’s a shitty thing that’s happening and you can understand why it’s happening and it’s just shit that we have to deal with.
That’s really all we can do right now is just deal with it the best we can as rationally and as realistically as possible. And if you want to panic and hide in your room for the next two months, you can go ahead and do that. If you wanna blame politics or China or whoever, you can do that.
All I know is that I have a job.
And I’m going to keep working.
And I have lots of games to play. That I’m going to keep playing.
And I have lots of shows/movies to watch. That I’m going to watch.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnd I still have lots of porn to write!
So I’m going to do that.
Because right now there really isn’t anything else I can do about the situation but talk about it. And darkly joke about it on Twitter to alleviate the stress of the situation.
Later.
Don’t touch your face.
Use hand sanitizer.
Wipe down surfaces with sanitizer wipes.
If you work at a job involving money, wear gloves.
Go about your day.
That’s all you gotta do.
People, listen. We’re not going to go extinct from the coronavirus.
If anything, we’re going to go extinct because people are stupid.
I literally just got through talking to a guy on Telegram who works in a hospital. He told me that he and other employees came into contact with a patient who has the virus. They quarantined the man and sedated him, but none of the employees are getting screened or tested for possibly having the virus. Because it’s just not important to them.
Jake: “Okay so your hospital ran into an actual person infected with coronovirus and they'll worry about it......next week.”
Other Guy: “so compared to other hospitals in the area
they are on full lockdown, every patient, employee or whatever who comes in gets screened first, which includes employees coming into work
only one entrance is open, the rest are locked down/guarded
at our hospital its business as usual
you can literally get in through like 10 doors around the building and get inside
even at night because the locks are broken or they dont shut all the way or they get propped open by smokers
lol we live in clown world where I work for some reason
our hospital police officers that are legit police and can arrest you, don't carry a gun, a taser or pepper spray”
Jake: “So the employees at your job could leave work and potentially spread the virus around the state because the people who run your hospital are incompetent retards.
Like I'm not saying you or anyone got infected, but you and other employees had direct contact. And you're telling me you can't even get checked.”
Other Guy: “Hey now you're getting it. xD
*But* I'm sure next week they will do something”
Yeah. So. After we talked for a while, I just told him to go get drunk. Because seriously.
Okay, so I’m not saying that you should completely ignore this. Do not do that. If you get sick, stay home. Don’t go around making direct skin contact. Get some cleaning supplies if you need them.
Do not lock yourself in your house for five months.
Do not spend thousands upon thousands of dollars buying hand sanitizer and soap.
Do not stop living your life because you might get sick.
DO NOT BUY EIGHT PACKS OF FUCKING TOILET PAPER! YOU WILL NOT LIVE LONGER IF YOU DON’T HAVE A DIRTY ASS FOR FUCK’S SAKE!
I know this shit is scary and all that shit, but do not panic. That’s not gonna help at all. I mean there isn’t fucking toilet paper in my store. People are stealing shit because they feel like they absolutely have to have it. People are stacking up on shit—which is understandable. Buying extra supplies and food is good.
BUYING FIVE THOUSANDS CANS OF ONE ITEM IS NOT.
Just…please…don’t panic about this; don’t immediately assume that the world’s gonna end.
Don’t watch the news. Just-just don’t. They’re not going to do anything but spread fear around and make things worse.
Like I said, I’m not saying that you should straight-up ignore what’s happening. But use common sense. Do not be stupid like the hospital my friend works at. Because that kind of shit will not help anything whatsoever.
”JT, this is going to get worse before it gets better.”
Yeah. It is. Italy has already shut down and they’re getting hit very hard over there. I live in North America, and it’s nowhere near as bad over here. But it’s gonna get worse, and I know that. Movies are getting delayed. Schools are closing. Colleges are closing. NBA shut down its season. E3 was cancelled. Disneyland has closed. Cons are probably gonna close. And yeah, it’s a shitty thing that’s happening and you can understand why it’s happening and it’s just shit that we have to deal with.
That’s really all we can do right now is just deal with it the best we can as rationally and as realistically as possible. And if you want to panic and hide in your room for the next two months, you can go ahead and do that. If you wanna blame politics or China or whoever, you can do that.
All I know is that I have a job.
And I’m going to keep working.
And I have lots of games to play. That I’m going to keep playing.
And I have lots of shows/movies to watch. That I’m going to watch.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnd I still have lots of porn to write!
So I’m going to do that.
Because right now there really isn’t anything else I can do about the situation but talk about it. And darkly joke about it on Twitter to alleviate the stress of the situation.
Later.
Moving Forward / FAQs / Links for Where to Find Me
General | Posted 6 years agoTL;DR. SKIP TO THE FAQs TO LEARN MORE ABOUT WHAT I PLAN ON DOING HERE ON FA IN THE FUTURE.
Okay, so, update from the previous journal. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh turns out the admins responded to my email appeal! They responded after the suspension was lifted, but they did respond.
”Oh really? What happened?”
They said that they felt like they penalized me for the right reasons and that they won’t be taking any further actions. But hey. They responded.
Mkay, so, this is gonna be a shorter journal—mostly to clarify some things, and to move forward from this point. Lemme get this outta the way first.
”JAKE YOU’RE A SON OF A BITCH! YOU CALLED OUT ALL THOSE PEOPLE IN THAT JOURNAL WITH THOSE LINKS YOU MOTHERFUCKER! I HATE YOU!”
I wasn’t calling out anyone. I was merely giving examples of images that may or may not be considered fetish worthy. I have nothing against these artists. I do not know these artists personally in real life. One of the artists mentioned in the journal I've talked to multiple times. We haven’t chatted in a while but we don’t hate each other. And to an extent we’re into the same messy content: soiling.
Let’s say you broke the law—let’s say you were caught jaywalking. And you weren’t aware that jaywalking could be penalized with going to prison. You can’t say that you weren’t jaywalking, because you were. You also can’t say that you weren’t the only one jaywalking, because they will demand proof. But if you see other people jaywalking and none of them get penalized for it, you would provide the officials with video recordings of various people who go around jaywalking and aren’t penalized for it to try and explain that the laws and the penalties for jaywalking were biasedly used against you specifically. Even though you don’t know these people personally and have nothing against them.
Now I understand that this is not the best comparison. I understand that this is vague. But if I had just said “other people make content like the one that got me suspended” it would just come off as me saying that you should believe me for no other reason other than the fact that I say so. It would’ve been a “he said, she said” scenario. The only way for me to get my point across was to provide those links. Also, lemme fill y’all in on something here.
I SENT SOME OF THOSE LINKS IN THE APPEAL BEFORE I MADE THAT JOURNAL.
When I was making that journal, I wasn’t just throwing out random links. The first six links I posted in the journal? That was in my appeal. Those were sent to the admins. Directly. And for those of you wondering, those images I sent? They are still up. The artists who drew them? They have not been suspended. And as a reminder, this appeal was sent precisely a week ago. So one of two things happened: either the admins saw these images and said that they were acceptable, or the admins ignored them entirely.
So for everyone worrying that you’re gonna get banned or suspended or whatever because of that journal I made, I feel like you’re overreacting a bit. I understand your paranoia, but if I can send images directly to the admins and nothing comes of it, then you’ve nothing to worry about.
“What if someone flags an image or story?”
Well, that’s the problem. As I said in my other journal, someone got suspended for merely using the word “cub” in a story that had no underage characters remotely involved or even referenced. So if an admin is quick to suspend someone or use the banhammer, I can’t do shit about that. If an admin neglects to properly assess why an image or story is getting flagged, I can’t do shit about that. I think
Aroniea summarized everything I was saying in my journal very easily right here.
“Either everyone needs to be subject to the rules or the rules need to change.”
And honestly, I don’t think either one is going to happen. There are many characters from the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise who are underage—Tails in particular is eight or ten I believe. There’s Jake Long, like I mentioned before. There’s Asriel from Undertale. There’s the koopalings. I can go on. And all these characters have numerous drawings, stories, animations, etc. freely posted on this site. Now many images show that these characters are adults. And some of them don’t. And some are ambiguous.
Maybe the rules will change. Maybe they’ll say that bestiality/zoophilia is no longer allowed. Maybe it’ll be necrophilia. Maybe coprophagia. I’ve no idea. We just have to wait and see I guess.
FAQs
So. With all that drama out the way, lemme get to some of the FAQs many of you probably have right now.
“Can you provide links and other contact information in case something happens?”
Of course.
Non-Fetish Account:
JTylok
Skype: Tcyk89
Telegram: Tyk89
Discord: Tyk89#2683
SoFurry: Tcyk89
Twitter: Tyk891
F-List: Tcyk89
FictionPress: Tyk
Also if you’d like my email/PayPal, I’ll give it to you confidentially since I mostly use it for many other business transactions.
“Are you leaving FA?”
No. Might get banned though—either because of the journal I made, or because someone found some other story buried in my archive that allegedly is breaking the rules. But it’s been two days since said journal got posted—no one’s flagged it for “harassment.” But hey. Who knows.
“Are you going to InkBunny?”
Probably not.
“What will happen if you get banned?”
I will proceed to use SoFurry as my primary account. Now obviously this will seriously impair my ability to do commissions, but keep in mind that I’m not dependent on them. Now if someone wants a commission from me in the future and I get banned between the making of this journal and when you want a story? You’ll probably have to contact me through Telegram or my email.
“Will you still be posting reviews here?”
Honestly I don’t know at this point. I was gonna review Sonic the Hedgehog a couple weeks ago. But between the DDOS attacks and me getting suspended, I don’t feel like it anymore. I’m probably gonna post reviews on a different website like LiveJournal or something.
“Are you still doing commissions?”
Yes, but they’re currently closed right now until my queue is finished.
“Do you plan on modifying the rules to your commissions?”
Yes. Obviously no one underage. THIS INCLUDES TEENAGERS. Even if they aren’t in a sexual situation, I am not writing anything involving characters under 18. As for something like teenagers or high schoolers involved with bowel desperation or comical toilet humor? This I’m okay with. But considering this whole ordeal, I’m not posting the story on FA.
“Does this mean you’ve adjusted what you allow in terms of Rule 34?”
At this point, I don’t think I’m gonna do anything besides Star Fox characters, Pokémon, Digimon, certain Final Fantasy characters, or certain characters like Bowser. And if I do, it probably won’t be posted on FA.
“Are you posting other stories besides commissions here?”
Doubtful. Haven’t done anything on this site in many months besides commissions. I may just use this site for commissions and SoFurry for non-commission material. We’ll see.
“What about your non-fetish account? Will you post anything there?”
Doubtful. Again, haven’t posted much over there lately—short of Tails of Fame, which has now been deleted. Maybe I’ll post images of characters from non-FA stories over on that account perhaps. We’ll see.
“What about
Furzen? What’s gonna happen to that account?”
Okay, so I actually didn’t mention this, but the Furzen account got suspended too when I was suspended. It’s back now though. Um…well, I suppose I’ll still post fart-only stories there. It’s mostly just me and
RossTheDragon who manage it now. And I’d prefer if a group account didn’t fade from existence.
“Are you gonna dwell on this forever?”
No. I mostly made this journal to explain what I plan on doing from this point forward. This was a shitty situation that arguably shouldn’t have happened. But it did. And I more than likely exacerbated the situation by saying what I said in the other journal. But I’m not going to deny saying it, and I’m not going to go back on most of the points that I made in said journal. As Aroniea said, the rules on this website either need to be seriously changed, the admins needs to communicate better to people when they have their content flagged for whatever reasons, or everyone who is breaking these rules needs to be held accountable, regardless if they’re intentionally breaking them or not. I would prefer if one or two of the first options happened. Because as I said, if you find someone like Jake Long or Asriel or Tails or the koopalings sexy—dude, I don’t care what arouses you.
SO LONG AS IT IS FICTIONAL AND/OR NO ONE IS ACTUALLY BEING HARMED.
But the reality of the situation is that this probably will not happen. And even if it does, it’ll probably be several years before it takes place. It’s just far easier for people to ignore this situation and to move on, or for the admins to ban me and for everyone to move on.
I’m treating this situation like the coronavirus. Everyone in my state—yes this includes my parents—are panicking because apparently it’s reached my state. People genuinely believe the world is going to end. People genuinely believe it’s going to be Fear the Walking Dead. Meanwhile, I’m just sitting here going “Eh. I’ll wash my hands more. I’ll be more cautious. But otherwise I’m gonna keep doing the same shit I’ve been doing.”
Whatever happens from this point forward will happen, and I will accept the consequences should any arise. That’s really all I can do.
“So what now?”
Well. I finished a commission a few days ago about bowel desperation/soiling. Guess I’ll be posting that once I’m done proofreading it.
Later.
Okay, so, update from the previous journal. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh turns out the admins responded to my email appeal! They responded after the suspension was lifted, but they did respond.
”Oh really? What happened?”
They said that they felt like they penalized me for the right reasons and that they won’t be taking any further actions. But hey. They responded.
Mkay, so, this is gonna be a shorter journal—mostly to clarify some things, and to move forward from this point. Lemme get this outta the way first.
”JAKE YOU’RE A SON OF A BITCH! YOU CALLED OUT ALL THOSE PEOPLE IN THAT JOURNAL WITH THOSE LINKS YOU MOTHERFUCKER! I HATE YOU!”
I wasn’t calling out anyone. I was merely giving examples of images that may or may not be considered fetish worthy. I have nothing against these artists. I do not know these artists personally in real life. One of the artists mentioned in the journal I've talked to multiple times. We haven’t chatted in a while but we don’t hate each other. And to an extent we’re into the same messy content: soiling.
Let’s say you broke the law—let’s say you were caught jaywalking. And you weren’t aware that jaywalking could be penalized with going to prison. You can’t say that you weren’t jaywalking, because you were. You also can’t say that you weren’t the only one jaywalking, because they will demand proof. But if you see other people jaywalking and none of them get penalized for it, you would provide the officials with video recordings of various people who go around jaywalking and aren’t penalized for it to try and explain that the laws and the penalties for jaywalking were biasedly used against you specifically. Even though you don’t know these people personally and have nothing against them.
Now I understand that this is not the best comparison. I understand that this is vague. But if I had just said “other people make content like the one that got me suspended” it would just come off as me saying that you should believe me for no other reason other than the fact that I say so. It would’ve been a “he said, she said” scenario. The only way for me to get my point across was to provide those links. Also, lemme fill y’all in on something here.
I SENT SOME OF THOSE LINKS IN THE APPEAL BEFORE I MADE THAT JOURNAL.
When I was making that journal, I wasn’t just throwing out random links. The first six links I posted in the journal? That was in my appeal. Those were sent to the admins. Directly. And for those of you wondering, those images I sent? They are still up. The artists who drew them? They have not been suspended. And as a reminder, this appeal was sent precisely a week ago. So one of two things happened: either the admins saw these images and said that they were acceptable, or the admins ignored them entirely.
So for everyone worrying that you’re gonna get banned or suspended or whatever because of that journal I made, I feel like you’re overreacting a bit. I understand your paranoia, but if I can send images directly to the admins and nothing comes of it, then you’ve nothing to worry about.
“What if someone flags an image or story?”
Well, that’s the problem. As I said in my other journal, someone got suspended for merely using the word “cub” in a story that had no underage characters remotely involved or even referenced. So if an admin is quick to suspend someone or use the banhammer, I can’t do shit about that. If an admin neglects to properly assess why an image or story is getting flagged, I can’t do shit about that. I think
Aroniea summarized everything I was saying in my journal very easily right here.“Either everyone needs to be subject to the rules or the rules need to change.”
And honestly, I don’t think either one is going to happen. There are many characters from the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise who are underage—Tails in particular is eight or ten I believe. There’s Jake Long, like I mentioned before. There’s Asriel from Undertale. There’s the koopalings. I can go on. And all these characters have numerous drawings, stories, animations, etc. freely posted on this site. Now many images show that these characters are adults. And some of them don’t. And some are ambiguous.
Maybe the rules will change. Maybe they’ll say that bestiality/zoophilia is no longer allowed. Maybe it’ll be necrophilia. Maybe coprophagia. I’ve no idea. We just have to wait and see I guess.
FAQs
So. With all that drama out the way, lemme get to some of the FAQs many of you probably have right now.
“Can you provide links and other contact information in case something happens?”
Of course.
Non-Fetish Account:
JTylokSkype: Tcyk89
Telegram: Tyk89
Discord: Tyk89#2683
SoFurry: Tcyk89
Twitter: Tyk891
F-List: Tcyk89
FictionPress: Tyk
Also if you’d like my email/PayPal, I’ll give it to you confidentially since I mostly use it for many other business transactions.
“Are you leaving FA?”
No. Might get banned though—either because of the journal I made, or because someone found some other story buried in my archive that allegedly is breaking the rules. But it’s been two days since said journal got posted—no one’s flagged it for “harassment.” But hey. Who knows.
“Are you going to InkBunny?”
Probably not.
“What will happen if you get banned?”
I will proceed to use SoFurry as my primary account. Now obviously this will seriously impair my ability to do commissions, but keep in mind that I’m not dependent on them. Now if someone wants a commission from me in the future and I get banned between the making of this journal and when you want a story? You’ll probably have to contact me through Telegram or my email.
“Will you still be posting reviews here?”
Honestly I don’t know at this point. I was gonna review Sonic the Hedgehog a couple weeks ago. But between the DDOS attacks and me getting suspended, I don’t feel like it anymore. I’m probably gonna post reviews on a different website like LiveJournal or something.
“Are you still doing commissions?”
Yes, but they’re currently closed right now until my queue is finished.
“Do you plan on modifying the rules to your commissions?”
Yes. Obviously no one underage. THIS INCLUDES TEENAGERS. Even if they aren’t in a sexual situation, I am not writing anything involving characters under 18. As for something like teenagers or high schoolers involved with bowel desperation or comical toilet humor? This I’m okay with. But considering this whole ordeal, I’m not posting the story on FA.
“Does this mean you’ve adjusted what you allow in terms of Rule 34?”
At this point, I don’t think I’m gonna do anything besides Star Fox characters, Pokémon, Digimon, certain Final Fantasy characters, or certain characters like Bowser. And if I do, it probably won’t be posted on FA.
“Are you posting other stories besides commissions here?”
Doubtful. Haven’t done anything on this site in many months besides commissions. I may just use this site for commissions and SoFurry for non-commission material. We’ll see.
“What about your non-fetish account? Will you post anything there?”
Doubtful. Again, haven’t posted much over there lately—short of Tails of Fame, which has now been deleted. Maybe I’ll post images of characters from non-FA stories over on that account perhaps. We’ll see.
“What about
Furzen? What’s gonna happen to that account?”Okay, so I actually didn’t mention this, but the Furzen account got suspended too when I was suspended. It’s back now though. Um…well, I suppose I’ll still post fart-only stories there. It’s mostly just me and
RossTheDragon who manage it now. And I’d prefer if a group account didn’t fade from existence.“Are you gonna dwell on this forever?”
No. I mostly made this journal to explain what I plan on doing from this point forward. This was a shitty situation that arguably shouldn’t have happened. But it did. And I more than likely exacerbated the situation by saying what I said in the other journal. But I’m not going to deny saying it, and I’m not going to go back on most of the points that I made in said journal. As Aroniea said, the rules on this website either need to be seriously changed, the admins needs to communicate better to people when they have their content flagged for whatever reasons, or everyone who is breaking these rules needs to be held accountable, regardless if they’re intentionally breaking them or not. I would prefer if one or two of the first options happened. Because as I said, if you find someone like Jake Long or Asriel or Tails or the koopalings sexy—dude, I don’t care what arouses you.
SO LONG AS IT IS FICTIONAL AND/OR NO ONE IS ACTUALLY BEING HARMED.
But the reality of the situation is that this probably will not happen. And even if it does, it’ll probably be several years before it takes place. It’s just far easier for people to ignore this situation and to move on, or for the admins to ban me and for everyone to move on.
I’m treating this situation like the coronavirus. Everyone in my state—yes this includes my parents—are panicking because apparently it’s reached my state. People genuinely believe the world is going to end. People genuinely believe it’s going to be Fear the Walking Dead. Meanwhile, I’m just sitting here going “Eh. I’ll wash my hands more. I’ll be more cautious. But otherwise I’m gonna keep doing the same shit I’ve been doing.”
Whatever happens from this point forward will happen, and I will accept the consequences should any arise. That’s really all I can do.
“So what now?”
Well. I finished a commission a few days ago about bowel desperation/soiling. Guess I’ll be posting that once I’m done proofreading it.
Later.
Recent Suspension & the Problems with FA Management
General | Posted 6 years agoTL;DR. I GOT SUSPENDED FOR A STORY I WROTE TEN YEARS AGO. TRIED TO APPEAL. ADMINS DIDN’T RESPOND. SERIOUSLY CONTEMPLATING MY FUTURE OF STAYING ON THIS WEBSITE. IF YOU WANT THE FULL STORY, KEEP READING.
EDIT: UPDATE HERE: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9425208/
Hey everybody. I guess I’m back now.
So long story short, I got suspended. Whoo. And no, it wasn’t because of something I said about the admins, or something I did recently, or because I harassed anyone, or whatever. I was banned for writing “Diaper Trashed” roughly ten years ago. Now, according to the admins, this story contains “a child soiling a diaper for sexual purposes.” This absolute did not happen. What occurred in the story was that an otter turned into a diaper—not because transforming was sexy to him, or because he got hard at the thought of being a cub’s dirty diaper. He was transformed basically because his friend was fuckin’ around and wanted to use him as a guinea pig. And after he turned into a diaper, the otter was worn by his friend’s baby brother, who is a cub. Now yes, the cub soils the diaper. Yes, the diaper is happy that he is being used. Yes, the scene involving the diaper soiling is explicitly described in detail. But there was no sexual content or context involved. Nobody in the story masturbates. Nobody has sex with the child. Nobody exposes their genitals to the child. Nobody touches the child's privates. Nobody gets an erection watching the child soil his diaper. There is a sequence where a character turns into a diaper and feels joy over it, yes. But there is nothing sexual here; the diaper is simply happy, nothing more, nothing less.
“This doesn’t mean the commissioner and everyone who read the story didn’t masturbate to it.”
Mm. Yes. That is indeed a valid point. And perhaps that is the reason why I was suspended to begin with. But I personally do not care what people masturbate to. If you’re into rape or castration or transformation or scat or vore or cubs—whatever, I don’t care. So long as it’s fiction, I really don’t care what you fap to. Now I’m going to show you all a series of images—all of which are rated “General,” and I want you to tell me if they’re a bit “explicit” or not, or if they’re any different from what I wrote.
Here are two images depicting cubs messily soiling their diapers:
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/10212859/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/23857509/
Here are three images of children engaging in omorashi, which is "a form of fetish subculture originating and predominately recognized in Japan, in which participants experience arousal from having a full bladder or wetting themselves, or from seeing someone else experiencing a full bladder or wetting themselves."
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/15644615/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/31050264/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/34989148/
By definition, these children are allegedly engaging in a fetish designed to create arousal amongst themselves or others. Now here is a picture involving diaper transformation where a child wears said diaper after said transformation, most notably here:
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/15089775/
”This doesn’t change the fact that you basically wrote something that someone could find arousing.”
Mm, yes. You have a valid point. Now then, on that note, when I first joined this website, I wrote this series called “How to Raise a Dragon.” The story was rated “General,” but for the sake of argument, I deleted it. Why? Because Part 3 contains a scene where a feral adolescent dragon shits his diaper. And unlike “Diaper Trashed,” it was nowhere near as explicit or graphic. It was just very gross toilet humor.
Somebody masturbated to this story. I shall not reveal their name, but this person shamelessly said they were gonna beat off to it. They came back later with an update saying they did indeed masturbate to it.
There are many artists on this website who have written and/or drawn content that doesn’t contain sexual images of cubs, but contains underage characters messily soiling/wetting their diapers to the point of almost being a fetish that someone would use for masturbation.
Catmonkshiro’s examples:
- https://www.furaffinity.net/view/32718665/
- https://www.furaffinity.net/view/35079181/
- https://www.furaffinity.net/view/26319684/
- https://www.furaffinity.net/view/34773527/
DJ-Poopypants’ examples:
- https://www.furaffinity.net/view/17295546/
- https://www.furaffinity.net/view/17149279/
- https://www.furaffinity.net/view/17168866/
Friar's examples:
- https://www.furaffinity.net/view/7548429/
- https://www.furaffinity.net/view/6865971/
- https://www.furaffinity.net/view/5796296/
- https://www.furaffinity.net/view/9899839/
Now before anyone says anything, no. I have nothing against any of these artists. I have no problem with their art. I have no problem with what they draw. Catmonkshiro in particular has a very lovely art style; I like how toony it is and how all the characters he draws stand out in all his images. Still though,
“To be fair, it just sounds like you’re trying to pass off the blame to other people who draw diaper content. Unlike your story, people can see that nothing sexual is happening.”
Mm. Yes. Perhaps you are right. Perhaps the admins were right to ban me. Perhaps the fault was mine entirely. But if this story was such a huge problem then…why did it take so long for the admins to do anything about it? This story was finished back in 2010. It was literally a decade ago. This story was not recent at all. But apparently someone read the story, was uncomfortable with it, reported it, and then the admins immediately suspended me, took down the story, and threw up an excuse to pulling the story.
”Jake, why are you even complaining about this in a journal? This isn’t our fault; shouldn’t you be taking this to the admins?”
Oh, I did. I sent them an email. I tried to get my suspension removed through an appeal. The first time I sent an email, they replied in about thirty-six hours telling me they couldn’t verify my account because I used the wrong email. Which to be fair, that was entirely my fault. So I resent the email under a different account. I sent the new email Wednesday morning.
It is currently Sunday.
They have not said a word to me since then.
”Tcyk89, it was only a week. The admins banned you for submitting content that was very divisive and made some users uncomfortable. There’s nothing wrong with what the admins did.”
Mm, yes. This is true. Maybe the suspension was warranted. Perhaps you are right. Explain to me then why
NoteYote was suspended for using the word “cub” in a story. Before anyone says anything, his story had no underage characters and involved adult orcs engaged in sexual content. However the word “cub” was used as a nickname for someone, so he got suspended. His story got taken down. You can actually read more about it right here.
“Okay, so maybe the admins made a mistake. Maybe they rightfully suspended your account.”
Mm, yes. Now then, I’m going to show you an image:
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/13649279/
This image depicts Jake Long, the main character from American Dragon Jake Long. This image shows the character revealing his penis. This image is rated “Adult.”
“Okay. So what’s the problem?”
Jake Long is thirteen. In Season 2 of the show, he’s fourteen. Jake Long is a teenager. According to the AUP, minors are prohibited. The rules state:
“Submissions involving sexual situations cannot contain characters under 18 or adolescent animals. Minors cannot be around nudity or unless it’s a non-sexual depiction of birth or breastfeeding. Minors cannot have or be around detailed outlines of genitalia or hyper genitalia.”
I’m gonna show a list of images now:
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/34456807/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/27608246/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/20486467/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/8266233/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/15459290/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/29929103/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/8319329/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/8188417/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/504092/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/31575676/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/29967660/
All these images depict a character who is, in canon, stated to be a teenager in high school. None of these images make it clear that Jake Long is an adult. More importantly, if Jake Long was an adult, then why are there certain images on this website specifying that he turned 18, or that he’s an adult?
“He’s in dragon form in most of these images. They age in dragon form; that doesn’t count.”
Mm. Yes. Perhaps you’re right. Take a gander at these two images—both depicting Jake in dragon form.
This one specifies that all the characters are over 18.
This one does not.
So my question here is this: if Jake Long is 18 when he turns into a dragon, then why is the artist specifying he’s 18 when he shouldn’t have to? If Jake Long is not 18, then why is the second image still on FA along with the first one? Seems contradictory to me.
I mean…heh. Based on the logic of the rules that got me banned, I could flag every single image of Jake Long on FA that do not specify that he is 18. And according to the rules, every single one of these images should be taken down, and every single artist who drew this minor engaged in blatantly obvious sexual activity should be suspended. Yes. This includes
Narse and 
JustMeGabeNewell, and I thoroughly love their art. Buuuuuuuuuuuuut they broke the rules. So I guess they gotta be suspended, right?
”Jake, it’s porn for fuck’s sake! Why the fuck do you care?!”
I don’t care. If you find Jake Long sexy in his dragon form, fine. But he’s thirteen or fourteen years old. This is canon to the TV series. This is a fact. Nothing you say or do will get around that fact. And nothing the admins say or do will get around the fact that this website has thousands of images of him on it, despite it being prohibited.
Now lemme fill y’all in on something secret. I uploaded a story on my other account called Tails of Fame. In chapter 16, the main character broke into a family’s house, raped and murdered everyone inside, and had it all videotaped so he could sell the footage making snuff films. One character was a teenager. One was the teenager’s younger brother. Thing is, nothing was explicit. The actual rapes and murders? It all happened off-screen. We see the aftermath, but none of it actually happened gratuitously. This doesn’t change the fact that a teenager and another minor were raped.
No one said a thing.
In chapter 12, another main character commits a terrorist attack in an amusement park. He and his cohorts mowed down hundreds of innocent people. This includes children. Unlike the aforementioned rapes? This was shown. This was fully-detailed, fully written out. It’s made very clear that children were murdered. Onscreen.
No one said a thing.
Y’all wanna know how long Tails of Fame was on FA before I deleted it?
SEVEN MONTHS.
Yeah. …Yeah.
This whole situation, and the admins’ lack of really communicating anything to me during the suspension, and the fact that it’s so easy to get suspended here has seriously sullied my viewpoints of this website. Before anyone panics, no. I’m not leaving. But as of right now?
I HAVE ONE STRIKE LEFT.
If someone flags one of my stories for whatever reason, that’s it. I’m permanently banned. And I won’t be able to do anything about it. So in case that happens and you wanna contact me, I would highly implore that you jot down my contact information. Jot down my Twitter account. Jot down my SoFurry account—which I plan on blowing the dust off of soon enough after the shit that happened here. Jot down my Telegram, my Skype, and my Discord names. Because I could be banned as early as tomorrow for all I know.
I have deleted the “How to Raise Your Dragon” stories. I have deleted Tails of Fame. I still have both stories on my hard drive—along with “Diaper Trashed”—so if someone wants to read them, let me know. I will not be deleting any other stories from my gallery. I do not have time to look through them all. If the admins ban me for a story I wrote five or seven years ago, oh well. If they ban me for writing the commission that has many adults regressing so they have the minds of children, even though they are still clearly adults, oh well. If they ban me for making a story with dwarf alligators in diapers who pretend to be plushies, even though it is explicitly stated multiple times that they are adults who are dwarves, oh well.
I think the worst part about all this is that I reopened commissions because a lot of people were asking about them and were excited about them. And honestly I actually wanted to reopen them. I haven’t done anything on this account in several months and then when I finally do something, boom. This happens. And I’m at the point right now where if I get banned from this site, that’s just fine. That just gives me more of a reason to spend my free time writing stories that aren’t porn or fetish-based. That gives me more time to write these grandiose stories that are full of world building and interesting characters and gritty action and plot-driven narratives on top of sneaking in smelly, chubby, flatulent characters for my own personal pleasures.
…Maybe it’s a sign or some shit. Maybe it’s time to just move on to better and greater things. I dunno.
So.
It is past midnight.
I am very tired.
My head is hurting.
I am going to go to bed.
And hopefully when I wake up, I will still be able to log into my account.
EDIT: UPDATE HERE: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9425208/
Hey everybody. I guess I’m back now.
So long story short, I got suspended. Whoo. And no, it wasn’t because of something I said about the admins, or something I did recently, or because I harassed anyone, or whatever. I was banned for writing “Diaper Trashed” roughly ten years ago. Now, according to the admins, this story contains “a child soiling a diaper for sexual purposes.” This absolute did not happen. What occurred in the story was that an otter turned into a diaper—not because transforming was sexy to him, or because he got hard at the thought of being a cub’s dirty diaper. He was transformed basically because his friend was fuckin’ around and wanted to use him as a guinea pig. And after he turned into a diaper, the otter was worn by his friend’s baby brother, who is a cub. Now yes, the cub soils the diaper. Yes, the diaper is happy that he is being used. Yes, the scene involving the diaper soiling is explicitly described in detail. But there was no sexual content or context involved. Nobody in the story masturbates. Nobody has sex with the child. Nobody exposes their genitals to the child. Nobody touches the child's privates. Nobody gets an erection watching the child soil his diaper. There is a sequence where a character turns into a diaper and feels joy over it, yes. But there is nothing sexual here; the diaper is simply happy, nothing more, nothing less.
“This doesn’t mean the commissioner and everyone who read the story didn’t masturbate to it.”
Mm. Yes. That is indeed a valid point. And perhaps that is the reason why I was suspended to begin with. But I personally do not care what people masturbate to. If you’re into rape or castration or transformation or scat or vore or cubs—whatever, I don’t care. So long as it’s fiction, I really don’t care what you fap to. Now I’m going to show you all a series of images—all of which are rated “General,” and I want you to tell me if they’re a bit “explicit” or not, or if they’re any different from what I wrote.
Here are two images depicting cubs messily soiling their diapers:
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/10212859/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/23857509/
Here are three images of children engaging in omorashi, which is "a form of fetish subculture originating and predominately recognized in Japan, in which participants experience arousal from having a full bladder or wetting themselves, or from seeing someone else experiencing a full bladder or wetting themselves."
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/15644615/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/31050264/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/34989148/
By definition, these children are allegedly engaging in a fetish designed to create arousal amongst themselves or others. Now here is a picture involving diaper transformation where a child wears said diaper after said transformation, most notably here:
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/15089775/
”This doesn’t change the fact that you basically wrote something that someone could find arousing.”
Mm, yes. You have a valid point. Now then, on that note, when I first joined this website, I wrote this series called “How to Raise a Dragon.” The story was rated “General,” but for the sake of argument, I deleted it. Why? Because Part 3 contains a scene where a feral adolescent dragon shits his diaper. And unlike “Diaper Trashed,” it was nowhere near as explicit or graphic. It was just very gross toilet humor.
Somebody masturbated to this story. I shall not reveal their name, but this person shamelessly said they were gonna beat off to it. They came back later with an update saying they did indeed masturbate to it.
There are many artists on this website who have written and/or drawn content that doesn’t contain sexual images of cubs, but contains underage characters messily soiling/wetting their diapers to the point of almost being a fetish that someone would use for masturbation.
Catmonkshiro’s examples:- https://www.furaffinity.net/view/32718665/
- https://www.furaffinity.net/view/35079181/
- https://www.furaffinity.net/view/26319684/
- https://www.furaffinity.net/view/34773527/
DJ-Poopypants’ examples:- https://www.furaffinity.net/view/17295546/
- https://www.furaffinity.net/view/17149279/
- https://www.furaffinity.net/view/17168866/
Friar's examples:- https://www.furaffinity.net/view/7548429/
- https://www.furaffinity.net/view/6865971/
- https://www.furaffinity.net/view/5796296/
- https://www.furaffinity.net/view/9899839/
Now before anyone says anything, no. I have nothing against any of these artists. I have no problem with their art. I have no problem with what they draw. Catmonkshiro in particular has a very lovely art style; I like how toony it is and how all the characters he draws stand out in all his images. Still though,
“To be fair, it just sounds like you’re trying to pass off the blame to other people who draw diaper content. Unlike your story, people can see that nothing sexual is happening.”
Mm. Yes. Perhaps you are right. Perhaps the admins were right to ban me. Perhaps the fault was mine entirely. But if this story was such a huge problem then…why did it take so long for the admins to do anything about it? This story was finished back in 2010. It was literally a decade ago. This story was not recent at all. But apparently someone read the story, was uncomfortable with it, reported it, and then the admins immediately suspended me, took down the story, and threw up an excuse to pulling the story.
”Jake, why are you even complaining about this in a journal? This isn’t our fault; shouldn’t you be taking this to the admins?”
Oh, I did. I sent them an email. I tried to get my suspension removed through an appeal. The first time I sent an email, they replied in about thirty-six hours telling me they couldn’t verify my account because I used the wrong email. Which to be fair, that was entirely my fault. So I resent the email under a different account. I sent the new email Wednesday morning.
It is currently Sunday.
They have not said a word to me since then.
”Tcyk89, it was only a week. The admins banned you for submitting content that was very divisive and made some users uncomfortable. There’s nothing wrong with what the admins did.”
Mm, yes. This is true. Maybe the suspension was warranted. Perhaps you are right. Explain to me then why
NoteYote was suspended for using the word “cub” in a story. Before anyone says anything, his story had no underage characters and involved adult orcs engaged in sexual content. However the word “cub” was used as a nickname for someone, so he got suspended. His story got taken down. You can actually read more about it right here.“Okay, so maybe the admins made a mistake. Maybe they rightfully suspended your account.”
Mm, yes. Now then, I’m going to show you an image:
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/13649279/
This image depicts Jake Long, the main character from American Dragon Jake Long. This image shows the character revealing his penis. This image is rated “Adult.”
“Okay. So what’s the problem?”
Jake Long is thirteen. In Season 2 of the show, he’s fourteen. Jake Long is a teenager. According to the AUP, minors are prohibited. The rules state:
“Submissions involving sexual situations cannot contain characters under 18 or adolescent animals. Minors cannot be around nudity or unless it’s a non-sexual depiction of birth or breastfeeding. Minors cannot have or be around detailed outlines of genitalia or hyper genitalia.”
I’m gonna show a list of images now:
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/34456807/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/27608246/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/20486467/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/8266233/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/15459290/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/29929103/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/8319329/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/8188417/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/504092/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/31575676/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/29967660/
All these images depict a character who is, in canon, stated to be a teenager in high school. None of these images make it clear that Jake Long is an adult. More importantly, if Jake Long was an adult, then why are there certain images on this website specifying that he turned 18, or that he’s an adult?
“He’s in dragon form in most of these images. They age in dragon form; that doesn’t count.”
Mm. Yes. Perhaps you’re right. Take a gander at these two images—both depicting Jake in dragon form.
This one specifies that all the characters are over 18.
This one does not.
So my question here is this: if Jake Long is 18 when he turns into a dragon, then why is the artist specifying he’s 18 when he shouldn’t have to? If Jake Long is not 18, then why is the second image still on FA along with the first one? Seems contradictory to me.
I mean…heh. Based on the logic of the rules that got me banned, I could flag every single image of Jake Long on FA that do not specify that he is 18. And according to the rules, every single one of these images should be taken down, and every single artist who drew this minor engaged in blatantly obvious sexual activity should be suspended. Yes. This includes
Narse and 
JustMeGabeNewell, and I thoroughly love their art. Buuuuuuuuuuuuut they broke the rules. So I guess they gotta be suspended, right?”Jake, it’s porn for fuck’s sake! Why the fuck do you care?!”
I don’t care. If you find Jake Long sexy in his dragon form, fine. But he’s thirteen or fourteen years old. This is canon to the TV series. This is a fact. Nothing you say or do will get around that fact. And nothing the admins say or do will get around the fact that this website has thousands of images of him on it, despite it being prohibited.
Now lemme fill y’all in on something secret. I uploaded a story on my other account called Tails of Fame. In chapter 16, the main character broke into a family’s house, raped and murdered everyone inside, and had it all videotaped so he could sell the footage making snuff films. One character was a teenager. One was the teenager’s younger brother. Thing is, nothing was explicit. The actual rapes and murders? It all happened off-screen. We see the aftermath, but none of it actually happened gratuitously. This doesn’t change the fact that a teenager and another minor were raped.
No one said a thing.
In chapter 12, another main character commits a terrorist attack in an amusement park. He and his cohorts mowed down hundreds of innocent people. This includes children. Unlike the aforementioned rapes? This was shown. This was fully-detailed, fully written out. It’s made very clear that children were murdered. Onscreen.
No one said a thing.
Y’all wanna know how long Tails of Fame was on FA before I deleted it?
SEVEN MONTHS.
Yeah. …Yeah.
This whole situation, and the admins’ lack of really communicating anything to me during the suspension, and the fact that it’s so easy to get suspended here has seriously sullied my viewpoints of this website. Before anyone panics, no. I’m not leaving. But as of right now?
I HAVE ONE STRIKE LEFT.
If someone flags one of my stories for whatever reason, that’s it. I’m permanently banned. And I won’t be able to do anything about it. So in case that happens and you wanna contact me, I would highly implore that you jot down my contact information. Jot down my Twitter account. Jot down my SoFurry account—which I plan on blowing the dust off of soon enough after the shit that happened here. Jot down my Telegram, my Skype, and my Discord names. Because I could be banned as early as tomorrow for all I know.
I have deleted the “How to Raise Your Dragon” stories. I have deleted Tails of Fame. I still have both stories on my hard drive—along with “Diaper Trashed”—so if someone wants to read them, let me know. I will not be deleting any other stories from my gallery. I do not have time to look through them all. If the admins ban me for a story I wrote five or seven years ago, oh well. If they ban me for writing the commission that has many adults regressing so they have the minds of children, even though they are still clearly adults, oh well. If they ban me for making a story with dwarf alligators in diapers who pretend to be plushies, even though it is explicitly stated multiple times that they are adults who are dwarves, oh well.
I think the worst part about all this is that I reopened commissions because a lot of people were asking about them and were excited about them. And honestly I actually wanted to reopen them. I haven’t done anything on this account in several months and then when I finally do something, boom. This happens. And I’m at the point right now where if I get banned from this site, that’s just fine. That just gives me more of a reason to spend my free time writing stories that aren’t porn or fetish-based. That gives me more time to write these grandiose stories that are full of world building and interesting characters and gritty action and plot-driven narratives on top of sneaking in smelly, chubby, flatulent characters for my own personal pleasures.
…Maybe it’s a sign or some shit. Maybe it’s time to just move on to better and greater things. I dunno.
So.
It is past midnight.
I am very tired.
My head is hurting.
I am going to go to bed.
And hopefully when I wake up, I will still be able to log into my account.
Commissions Closed / Waiting List
General | Posted 6 years agoOkay so I've gotten about a dozen or so commissioners in the past couple days. This includes some people who have talked about commissions with me beforehand over Telegram.
So I'm gonna close them now. X__X
Also for those still curious about getting their commissions who messaged me, some of you will be put on a Waiting List for now, so you won't have to worry about making a payment. Basically all the slots are filled right now--I'm gonna take six this time around. Anyone not within a slot does not need to worry about paying right now.
As soon as a slot is free, I'll contact whoever is on the Waiting List, ask if they still want the commission, and then request for a payment to be sent.
IF YOU HAVE NOT ALREADY CONTACTED ME ABOUT GETTING A COMMISSION, THEY WILL BE CLOSED INDEFINITELY UNTIL I OPEN THEM AGAIN.
So I'm gonna close them now. X__X
Also for those still curious about getting their commissions who messaged me, some of you will be put on a Waiting List for now, so you won't have to worry about making a payment. Basically all the slots are filled right now--I'm gonna take six this time around. Anyone not within a slot does not need to worry about paying right now.
As soon as a slot is free, I'll contact whoever is on the Waiting List, ask if they still want the commission, and then request for a payment to be sent.
IF YOU HAVE NOT ALREADY CONTACTED ME ABOUT GETTING A COMMISSION, THEY WILL BE CLOSED INDEFINITELY UNTIL I OPEN THEM AGAIN.
Commissions Open Now
General | Posted 6 years agoOkay cool, yay. Commissions are open now and shiz. You can find more details about the rules and shiz here.
Also. Saw Sonic the Hedgehog very recently. You can best believe your ass I'm gonna do a review for it.
Also. Saw Sonic the Hedgehog very recently. You can best believe your ass I'm gonna do a review for it.
Commissions Opening Saturday
General | Posted 6 years agoAnd that's all I have to say about the matter.
PM me or send a message over Telegram or send one over on Twitter, etc. if you're curious about getting one. I know some people have already expressed interest in getting one so I'll probably PM you soon.
PM me or send a message over Telegram or send one over on Twitter, etc. if you're curious about getting one. I know some people have already expressed interest in getting one so I'll probably PM you soon.
I Has Twitter Now
General | Posted 6 years agoYay.
*explodes confetti poppers in your face*
I don't think I'll be using it much. Short of posting my usual deadpan and cynical comments about random things over there. Or for chatting with people who prefer Telegram. Or even commissioning/taking commissions from over there. Who knows. But yeah. I have it now. So whoo.
https://twitter.com/Tyk891
Telegram is still my primary platform though.
*explodes confetti poppers in your face*
I don't think I'll be using it much. Short of posting my usual deadpan and cynical comments about random things over there. Or for chatting with people who prefer Telegram. Or even commissioning/taking commissions from over there. Who knows. But yeah. I have it now. So whoo.
https://twitter.com/Tyk891
Telegram is still my primary platform though.
2020 Shiz and Things
General | Posted 6 years agoIt’s 2020. New decade. Whoo bay shay kay.
*explodes confetti poppers everywhere*
Have lots of shiz to talk about and lots of things to do, sooooooo this journal is gonna be scattered and all over the place.
• Gonna review more indie and obscure movies/games from this point forward. Some stuff I really wanna review (like Sawnix the Hedgebutt) I’ll do, but besides that, gonna be talking about stuff not to many people know about. Feel like there’s lots of hidden gems people need to know about.
• I hate Disney. Fuck you for blocking the final season of The Clone Wars behind your paywall. Fuck your live-action bullshit. Fuck your ability to buy everything because Mickey Mouse can just shit out money and everyone eats it up. I will still suck your dick if you make Zootopia 2. But fuck you, Disney. >:(
• Still haven’t finished Kingdom Hearts. I stopped after Birth By Sleep. …Should I bother finishing it? I feel like I’ve gotten a complete and fulfilling story as it is.
• Marking this year as the year where I finish shit I started back in 2018 or 2019 but didn’t finish. Finished watching all of Mr. Robot. Finished playing a game called Redeemer. Back at playing Outlast. Back at playing The Witcher 3. Finished two commissions started last year (and working on the final one). Watching anime I bought at the anime convention in 2018 and 2019. Going back and catching up on a shitload of stories I bought for my Kindle. And so on.
• Commissions opening up in a couple weeks. THEY ARE NOT OPENING UP NOW. And I’m enforcing a new policy. If your story isn’t done a month after payment, you get refunded. End of story. Unless certain circumstances pop up, or if the commissioner repeatedly extends the commission, or if the commission is so long is has to be broken up into separate chapters, sorta speak.
• Uhhhhhhhhhhh, superhero movies are still a thing. Black Widow looks cool. And that is all.
• Venom 2 is happening. If there’s a fart scene with Venom or a shit scene with Venom or a gay sex scene with Venom, I’ll watch said scene(s). I still won’t stomach through the entire movie. Yes, I know it’ll probably be an improvement over the first one. I do not fucking care.
• Dolittle has a dragon farting in it. It is not a good scene. It is not funny. It is not fap-worthy. Do not waste your money.
• Bad Boys For Life was surprisingly very good for a third movie that came out over a decade after the second. Definite recommendation if you enjoy those buddy-cop action films.
• I beat Saints Rows II. Yay. Probably not gonna play the third or fourth games.
• FA changed their layout. Eh. Doesn’t affect me. Just a thing I’ve noticed.
• Furzen is gonna be more active now. No one else really does much in the group besides me—which is somewhat understandable, college and real life and shiz. Gonna go back to posting fart stories solely over on that account.
• Discord is not working on my phone. My primary way of contacting me when I’m AFK is via Telegram.
• Probably getting Twitter soon. Don’t use Twitter. Don’t like Twitter. Twitter exists for memes—some funny, some retarded—commissions, and to ruin people’s lives because they said something inappropriate. But some people use Twitter more than any other platform, and one of the artists I occasionally commission spends most of his time there, so prolly gonna get Twitter.
• Kobe Bryant died. Sadness ensued. I don’t care about basketball, but I knew who the guy was. I knew about his career. Bit disturbed that whenever a mass shooting or some celebrity dies or some other major event occurs, I’m usually sleeping or at work and I know absolutely nothing about it. Then I come home and everyone’s like “Oh hey, the world’s ending. We’re having pizza tonight.”
• DOOM ETERNAL IS COMING OUT THIS YEAR! OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Okay cool, that’s it for now. I’ll do another rambly journal whenever I feel like it or whatnot and shiz.
Back to typing and doing things and shiz.
*explodes confetti poppers everywhere*
Have lots of shiz to talk about and lots of things to do, sooooooo this journal is gonna be scattered and all over the place.
• Gonna review more indie and obscure movies/games from this point forward. Some stuff I really wanna review (like Sawnix the Hedgebutt) I’ll do, but besides that, gonna be talking about stuff not to many people know about. Feel like there’s lots of hidden gems people need to know about.
• I hate Disney. Fuck you for blocking the final season of The Clone Wars behind your paywall. Fuck your live-action bullshit. Fuck your ability to buy everything because Mickey Mouse can just shit out money and everyone eats it up. I will still suck your dick if you make Zootopia 2. But fuck you, Disney. >:(
• Still haven’t finished Kingdom Hearts. I stopped after Birth By Sleep. …Should I bother finishing it? I feel like I’ve gotten a complete and fulfilling story as it is.
• Marking this year as the year where I finish shit I started back in 2018 or 2019 but didn’t finish. Finished watching all of Mr. Robot. Finished playing a game called Redeemer. Back at playing Outlast. Back at playing The Witcher 3. Finished two commissions started last year (and working on the final one). Watching anime I bought at the anime convention in 2018 and 2019. Going back and catching up on a shitload of stories I bought for my Kindle. And so on.
• Commissions opening up in a couple weeks. THEY ARE NOT OPENING UP NOW. And I’m enforcing a new policy. If your story isn’t done a month after payment, you get refunded. End of story. Unless certain circumstances pop up, or if the commissioner repeatedly extends the commission, or if the commission is so long is has to be broken up into separate chapters, sorta speak.
• Uhhhhhhhhhhh, superhero movies are still a thing. Black Widow looks cool. And that is all.
• Venom 2 is happening. If there’s a fart scene with Venom or a shit scene with Venom or a gay sex scene with Venom, I’ll watch said scene(s). I still won’t stomach through the entire movie. Yes, I know it’ll probably be an improvement over the first one. I do not fucking care.
• Dolittle has a dragon farting in it. It is not a good scene. It is not funny. It is not fap-worthy. Do not waste your money.
• Bad Boys For Life was surprisingly very good for a third movie that came out over a decade after the second. Definite recommendation if you enjoy those buddy-cop action films.
• I beat Saints Rows II. Yay. Probably not gonna play the third or fourth games.
• FA changed their layout. Eh. Doesn’t affect me. Just a thing I’ve noticed.
•
Furzen is gonna be more active now. No one else really does much in the group besides me—which is somewhat understandable, college and real life and shiz. Gonna go back to posting fart stories solely over on that account.• Discord is not working on my phone. My primary way of contacting me when I’m AFK is via Telegram.
• Probably getting Twitter soon. Don’t use Twitter. Don’t like Twitter. Twitter exists for memes—some funny, some retarded—commissions, and to ruin people’s lives because they said something inappropriate. But some people use Twitter more than any other platform, and one of the artists I occasionally commission spends most of his time there, so prolly gonna get Twitter.
• Kobe Bryant died. Sadness ensued. I don’t care about basketball, but I knew who the guy was. I knew about his career. Bit disturbed that whenever a mass shooting or some celebrity dies or some other major event occurs, I’m usually sleeping or at work and I know absolutely nothing about it. Then I come home and everyone’s like “Oh hey, the world’s ending. We’re having pizza tonight.”
• DOOM ETERNAL IS COMING OUT THIS YEAR! OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Okay cool, that’s it for now. I’ll do another rambly journal whenever I feel like it or whatnot and shiz.
Back to typing and doing things and shiz.
Disney Star Wars Trilogy Review (SPOILERS)
General | Posted 6 years agoThe Force Awakens: 8/10
The Last Jedi: 6/10
The Rise of Skywalker: 3/10
Trilogy as a Whole: 2/10
So the new Star Wars trilogy has concluded. And anybody who has been on YouTube, Rotten Tomatoes, or the Internet in general is probably saying that they either hated The Rise of Skywalker, or that it was disappointing, or that it’s the worst movie in the franchise, blah blah blah blah. And now that I’ve had a couple days to mull on this fact, and now that I have sated my anger by murdering countless people in Saints Row II, I may as well talk about the movie—and the trilogy—now and be done with this forever so it’ll be out of my mind forever.
And if you missed the title, SPOILERS. SPOILERS. BOILERS. DOILERS. FOILERS. SPOILS.
Can’t talk about this trilogy and explaining some of my issues with it without spoiling some of the shit that happens in it.
Soooooo I don’t hate The Rise of Skywalker. I hate this trilogy overall though. The Rise of Skywalker is like The Force Awakens to an extent. There’s loads of fanservice. Fanservice up the ass, fanservice in your face, fanservice in every bloody orifice. And some of it is wonderful. I liked that Han Solo came back—even as a vision—and that whole scene with Kylo Ren/Ben Solo. The special effects were incredible—of course. The acting was…mostly decent. I thought that Kylo Ren/Ben Solo’s arc in this movie—and throughout the trilogy, to be honest—was absolutely brilliant. He’s the one saving grave this contorted trilogy has. Lando came back. Yay, I guess. The Millennium Falcon came back. Yay…Leia Skywalker and Luke Skywalker force ghost and voices in sky…explosions…running…mm.
Oh right. Uh, colors…colors are fun. Colors are always fun. Yes. Colors are fun…
Yes…
Lemme just say that if you enjoyed this movie, then that’s fine. If you like this movie, that’s okay. If you love this movie, that’s okay. If it’s the best one in the franchise, then that’s just fine. It’s fine to enjoy something that everyone else seems to hate. It’s fine to be the vocal minority. There’s nothing wrong with that. Apparently people like that piece of shit trash that Venom is—and that’s fine. That is just fine. But you have to acknowledge the problems that exist within the things you love regardless of how you feel about it. 24 is my favorite show of all time right next to Strike Back, but that show has a shitload of problems, and I will gladly go out of my way to bring up all the damn problems in this franchise. And this movie—this trilogy—has a lot of them.
The pacing is way too quick. Characters travel from planet to planet within minutes and we don’t know how much time has gone by. There’s nothing wrong with a fast-paced plot, but at the same time, there needs to be time to breathe so people can understand what’s happening and where and why. Characters will do something unexpected despite the fact that none of the previous movies had explained that they knew how to do this thing. Apparently Poe knows how to jump out of hyperspace from planet to planet in seconds. Apparently Finn knows which star destroyer to attack just by looking at the ship. Because “he can feel it.”
“Don’t be stupid, JT! It was the Force—”
Mm. Yes. I suppose it was the Force. We’ll just handwave that shit. To be fair, it’s been done before. Sooooooooo why is Emperor Palpatine back?
“Because he transported his consciousness into one of his clones! DUH!”
Okay, cool! That’s understandable. So Emperor Palpatine transferred his consciousness into another body.
“Yes.”
While he was falling down a giant shaft.
“Yes.”
So Emperor Palpatine transferred his consciousness into another body that he created on an entirely different planet in an entirely different star system in a matter of seconds despite the fact that this was not once established at all in the previous two films?
“Yes.”
DO YOU SEE THE PROBLEM WITH THIS FUCKING FILM?
How did Palpatine come back? How? FUCKING HOW?
“Shut up; enjoy the movie.”
When did Leia train to be a Jedi with a lightsaber?
“Shut up; enjoy the movie.”
When did they put Chewie on another transport after Rey accidentally blew up the one we thought we saw him get on?
“Shut up; enjoy the movie.”
When did Rey learn how to force grab a fucking spaceship?! Master Yoda struggled to prevent Anakin and Obi-wan from getting crushed by a single metal column!
“She’s Palpatine’s granddaughter. She got those powers from birth. Shut up; enjoy the movie.”
When did Rey learn to shoot lightning?
“Shut up; enjoy the movie.”
That’s-that’s this movie. Don’t question anything; just enjoy it. Because there’s special effects all up the ass and there’s lots of epic music and lots of wacky-sacky MCU humor! And that’s all that matters in a movie! Don’t worry about the plot, or the characters, or how well-edited it is, or if anything is consistent—none of that matters. Wacky comedy and flashy effects matter! I know some of you are gonna say that I enjoyed Godzilla: King of Monsters and that I’m a hypocrite. And yeah! I did!
The movie isn’t good though. It’s objectively bad. I had fun with it. I enjoyed it. I even recommended it! But I blatantly said that you’ll hate the movie if you try to watch it with your brain turned on.
There’s a quote someone said a while back that goes like, “If you try to please everybody, you’ll please nobody.” And that’s what this film did. Say what you will about The Force Awakens, that it’s unoriginal, that it’s riddled with fanservice, that it has plot holes, that Rey is a Mary Sue—that movie knew who it was trying to satisfy. You can whine and bitch all you want to about how horrible The Last Jedi was—at least Rian Johnson wanted to make a movie where he didn’t make another copy of Empire Strikes Back. He tried to do something different. He pissed off damn near all the fans, but hey. He had his own vision and he went out and made it!
But The Rise of Skywalker is trying to ignore The Last Jedi while also attempting to be a sequel to said movie. You can’t make a sequel to a movie that ignores the events of the movie and also acknowledges the exact same events! That just doesn’t work! What you end up getting is a disjointed cobbled mess where nothing makes sense and we’re supposed to accept that nothing makes sense!
This movie also introduces too many characters who end up doing nothing. Zorii Bliss is this cool-looking character and apparently a former fling of Poe’s. They have a conversation together. And then she shows up briefly later. Then she does nothing. Finn meets this woman who used to be a Stormtrooper like him. They have a conversation together. She participates in an action scene. Then she does nothing. Rose had a huge role in the last movie. Here she doesn’t really do anything. She was in love with Finn but I guess they broke up between films. Off-screen. So whatever.
“Actually, there’s an entire book that explains they broke up and decided to just be friends.”
That’s another problem with this trilogy. It expects you to read outside source material to fully understand shit. Y’all remember Captain Phasma? Did y’all know she has an entire book and comic book dedicated to her backstory and character development? If not, be prepared to spend twenty dollars just to uncover the mysteries of a character who had ten minutes of screentime between two films!
There’s this new general called Pryde. He’s actually quite menacing. He says some evil things. Then he dies. General Hux was a little bitch in the previous movie, but here, they turned him into a traitor. They made him a mole for the Resistance. I thought this was going to go somewhere! I thought they were going to do something cool with his character! They seemed like they were taking the criticism of his character from the last movie and deciding to—
He gets shot in the chest. Subplot over.
C-3PO gets an arc where his memory may be erased and he’ll forget everything he ever went through (again). And for a while, his memory is wiped and he can’t—
R2-D2 restores his memory in under a second.
Some of the shit I genuinely liked about The Last Jedi has been nullified here. Rey’s parents being nobody junkers? Turns out they abandoned Rey for her “safety.” Because nothing says good parenting like dumping your five-year-old child on a desert planet and leaving her under the care of a sociopathic junk trader. Snoke gets killed in The Last Jedi? Turns out that he got replaced with Emperor Palpatine through bullshit means. I didn’t like Snoke at all, but at least he was a different villain, and I’m gonna get into why Palpatine’s resurrection was a dumb thing to do shortly.
So the emperor is resurrected. Ignoring the bullshit reason behind how he came back to life, this borderline renders a lot of the shit that happened in Return of the Jedi pointless. Sure, yes, the galaxy entered a period of peace for several years. But what does it matter? The man who caused all this shit came back to life and did the same shit all over again. Darth Vader saved his son Luke? Luke grew up, tried to kill his nephew, indirectly drew him to the Dark Side, and became a lonely, grumpy hermit. And then he died. So the person Darth Vader redeemed himself for became a cynical twat, and the person Darth Vader killed for the sake of saving his son came back to life. Because plot. How would y’all feel if, let’s say, Adolf Hitler came back to life, and it was revealed that he was secretly behind the terrorists who conducted 9/11? And then later on, he tries to start the Holocaust again? More importantly, how would y’all feel if we never found out how he came back? It’s just “Oh hey, Hitler’s alive. We gotta stop him again.”
I understand that it’s impossible to successfully stop evil. I get that. But evil comes in so many different forms, and works in some many different ways. Evil isn’t just this one thing; it’s several things. This is one of the reasons why I love Star Wars: The Clone Wars. There were dozens of villains in that series who weren’t directly involved with the Empire, but they were still absolutely vile and used the Clone Wars as a means to cause damage and turmoil throughout the galaxy and on separate planets. But according to this film, the main source of evil is behind everything. And he can just come back to life whenever the fuck he wants, so why the fuck should I care what happens in the galaxy? The emperor is gonna come back in another couple decades, so whatever.
Uh, there’s lots of shooting, lots of explosions, bullshit, bullshit, flashy colors. Rey is Palpatine’s granddaughter. I grabbed my face in frustration when this was revealed, but ultimately, I shut off my brain and accepted it, because that’s what this movie wants. And hey, to be fair, same thing happened with Darth Vader and Luke right? So Rey goes to confront Palpatine along with Kylo Ren/Ben Solo. Then Rey hears the voices of other Jedi knights, and she uses the Force to kill Palpatine for good. But not really, because Disney. And then Rey dies because she used up all her energy. But then, Ben Solo decides to resurrect Rey using his Force powers—Jedi can do that now—and then Ben ends up dying instead of Rey. And then Rey goes to Tatooine, and she takes the Skywalker surname. Because she bonded with Leia and Luke so damn well and saw their Force ghosts, so that’s okay. That’s just fucking fine.
I don’t understand why Kylo Ren/Ben Solo had to die. Sure, he was a whiny emo knockoff of Darth Vader, but that was the point of his character. Rian Johnson took that angle of his character and ran with it, fleshed it out. Made him into a really compelling and complex character who kept struggling with the Dark Side, but ultimately was an inferior commander. Eventually, he ends up joining the good guys, seeing that being one with the Dark Side gave him no joy or pleasure anymore. We see him struggling to acknowledge everything he’s done, and eventually accepting it and literally throwing his darkness away. And after all this shit, he doesn’t really do anything except give his life to resurrect Rey. It would’ve made more sense for Ben to live. Rey would die saving the galaxy, and Ben would have to carry the burden of knowing not only that Rey died, but that he played a key role in helping the First Order cause turmoil across the galaxy. And he would spend the rest of his life atoning for his sins. But nah, fuck that. Just kill him.
And then of course, Rey takes the Skywalker name. Again, Ben could’ve lived. Ben could’ve taken the Skywalker name and be Ben Skywalker, and he would carry on the Skywalker legacy. He would be proof that no matter how far you fall, you can still be redeemed no matter what. If you choose to be. You have a choice to be good or evil. And Ben Skywalker could’ve been proof of that. But nah, fuck that. Just kill him. Even if they killed off Ben Solo, why did Rey take the Skywalker surname? Jeremy Jahns pointed this out; it would’ve been more fulfilling to keep the surname Palpatine. Because she would’ve been proof that even though she’s a Palpatine, even though she almost turned to the Dark Side, even though she could’ve been evil, she ended up being good. Rey could’ve been a perfect example of someone who came from an evil lineage, and despite this? She ended up being good! She saved the entire fucking galaxy! Rey, a Palpatine, saved the whole universe! Rey should’ve said:
“Yes, I am a Palpatine. And this Palpatine in front of you saved the whole galaxy when I had every chance to turn to the Dark Side. Fuck you gonna do about it?”
But nah, fuck that. Just make Rey a Skywalker. Just give Rey everything, even the fuckin’ Skywalker name. Because she clearly fucking deserves fucking every goddamn fucking thing.
“JT, this review seems…jumbled. Like you’re just hopping around pointing out random shit.”
Okay good. My review mirrors exactly what this movie is: a jumbled mess. J.J. Abrams said “fuck it, I’m just gonna do what I wanna do.” So he just cobbled shit together until he said “Okay, that’s long enough; I’m done. HERE FANS!”
Moving on from the film, this trilogy as a whole is awful. The Force Awakens was setup for the next two movies. The Last Jedi was more setup for the final movie. Then The Rise of Skywalker was just an attempt to cobble together two different movies trying to do two different things and then rushing towards an ending. On its own, The Force Awakens is good. On its own, The Last Jedi is (for me) good. Flawed, but good! On its own, The Rise of Skywalker is a jumbled mess. If you shut off your brain, maybe you can enjoy it? But as a whole, nobody can enjoy this trilogy. If you like The Force Awakens but hate The Last Jedi, you’ll hate The Rise of Skywalker. If you hate The Force Awakens but like The Last Jedi, you’ll hate The Rise of Skywalker. If you hate The Force Awakens and hate The Last Jedi, you’ll hate The Rise of Skywalker. If you like The Force Awakens and like The Last Jedi, you’ll maybe possibly like The Rise of Skywalker. This trilogy will barely satisfy anybody, fans or critics! It’s like this: someone wanted to make a cake. Someone wanted to make a pizza. Then the guy who wanted to make a cake realized that he didn’t finish the cake or the pizza, so he just said “fuck it, I’ll combine cake with pizza.” And cake just doesn’t go with pizza!
This is the shit I’ve been bitching about with most modern-day blockbusters. People behind these massive franchises don’t care. They just don’t care! It doesn’t matter if these movies get bad reviews; it doesn’t matter if the fans think these films are shit. At the end of the day, these films are gonna make money. They’re going to be forgotten about in a few months, but Hollywood don’t give a shit. As long as they jingly-jangly some shiny keys in front of our faces, then it’s all right. It’s like when Chewie found out that Leia died and he just broke down. Then at the end of the movie, he got that medal that he never got from A New Hope. That’s a wonderful metaphor for this entire trilogy and many other franchises nowadays.
“We know that we’ve sullied, possibly murdered something you hold near and dear to you. But it’s okay. We have this shiny trinket to say we’re sorry for your loss! Here, take it.”
And we just…we just take it while sobbing quietly. Because we know it’s better than nothing at all.
Star Wars has always been a divisive franchise. I grew up with the prequels. I enjoy the prequels. The prequels gave me Star Wars: The Clone Wars. They’re bad, but they’re consistent at least. They had an end goal. They set shit up. And at least we can all say that Revenge of the Sith is the best one in the trilogy. Do we blame the fans? Do we blame the Internet? Do we blame the directors and writers? Do we blame feminism? Do we blame SJWs? Who do we blame for this?
The answer is YES.
At the end of the day, this whole ordeal has taught me something. The Star Wars franchise isn’t special. I don’t think it ever was. It was just a work of fiction that became popular. And the fanbase saw it as a piece of art. But art can be sullied. Game of Thrones, Die Hard, Terminator, Ghostbusters, Star Trek—these are all just pieces of fiction. Some of us hold these franchises near and dear to our hearts. But it doesn’t change what they are: fictional entertainment. And Star Wars has devolved into a piece of fiction that is so unsatisfactory and frustrating that I want nothing to do with it anymore. I know The Mandalorian is wonderful. I know that new game that came out is wonderful. But I have to stop now; I don’t care enough to invest more time with this shit.
I’m going to go now because this journal is making me depressed about the future of filmmaking and I need to go lie down or kill more people in Saints Row II. I’m sure some of you feel like screaming at me, or telling me that I’m wrong, or that I’m wasting my time, or whatever. Feel free to scream your opinions at me in the comments. Because just like J.J. Abrams, I just don’t care anymore.
He made the movie he wanted to make, and we have to deal with it. Or just not watch it.
I’ve said what I wanted to say. And y’all just have to deal with it.
The Last Jedi: 6/10
The Rise of Skywalker: 3/10
Trilogy as a Whole: 2/10
So the new Star Wars trilogy has concluded. And anybody who has been on YouTube, Rotten Tomatoes, or the Internet in general is probably saying that they either hated The Rise of Skywalker, or that it was disappointing, or that it’s the worst movie in the franchise, blah blah blah blah. And now that I’ve had a couple days to mull on this fact, and now that I have sated my anger by murdering countless people in Saints Row II, I may as well talk about the movie—and the trilogy—now and be done with this forever so it’ll be out of my mind forever.
And if you missed the title, SPOILERS. SPOILERS. BOILERS. DOILERS. FOILERS. SPOILS.
Can’t talk about this trilogy and explaining some of my issues with it without spoiling some of the shit that happens in it.
Soooooo I don’t hate The Rise of Skywalker. I hate this trilogy overall though. The Rise of Skywalker is like The Force Awakens to an extent. There’s loads of fanservice. Fanservice up the ass, fanservice in your face, fanservice in every bloody orifice. And some of it is wonderful. I liked that Han Solo came back—even as a vision—and that whole scene with Kylo Ren/Ben Solo. The special effects were incredible—of course. The acting was…mostly decent. I thought that Kylo Ren/Ben Solo’s arc in this movie—and throughout the trilogy, to be honest—was absolutely brilliant. He’s the one saving grave this contorted trilogy has. Lando came back. Yay, I guess. The Millennium Falcon came back. Yay…Leia Skywalker and Luke Skywalker force ghost and voices in sky…explosions…running…mm.
Oh right. Uh, colors…colors are fun. Colors are always fun. Yes. Colors are fun…
Yes…
Lemme just say that if you enjoyed this movie, then that’s fine. If you like this movie, that’s okay. If you love this movie, that’s okay. If it’s the best one in the franchise, then that’s just fine. It’s fine to enjoy something that everyone else seems to hate. It’s fine to be the vocal minority. There’s nothing wrong with that. Apparently people like that piece of shit trash that Venom is—and that’s fine. That is just fine. But you have to acknowledge the problems that exist within the things you love regardless of how you feel about it. 24 is my favorite show of all time right next to Strike Back, but that show has a shitload of problems, and I will gladly go out of my way to bring up all the damn problems in this franchise. And this movie—this trilogy—has a lot of them.
The pacing is way too quick. Characters travel from planet to planet within minutes and we don’t know how much time has gone by. There’s nothing wrong with a fast-paced plot, but at the same time, there needs to be time to breathe so people can understand what’s happening and where and why. Characters will do something unexpected despite the fact that none of the previous movies had explained that they knew how to do this thing. Apparently Poe knows how to jump out of hyperspace from planet to planet in seconds. Apparently Finn knows which star destroyer to attack just by looking at the ship. Because “he can feel it.”
“Don’t be stupid, JT! It was the Force—”
Mm. Yes. I suppose it was the Force. We’ll just handwave that shit. To be fair, it’s been done before. Sooooooooo why is Emperor Palpatine back?
“Because he transported his consciousness into one of his clones! DUH!”
Okay, cool! That’s understandable. So Emperor Palpatine transferred his consciousness into another body.
“Yes.”
While he was falling down a giant shaft.
“Yes.”
So Emperor Palpatine transferred his consciousness into another body that he created on an entirely different planet in an entirely different star system in a matter of seconds despite the fact that this was not once established at all in the previous two films?
“Yes.”
DO YOU SEE THE PROBLEM WITH THIS FUCKING FILM?
How did Palpatine come back? How? FUCKING HOW?
“Shut up; enjoy the movie.”
When did Leia train to be a Jedi with a lightsaber?
“Shut up; enjoy the movie.”
When did they put Chewie on another transport after Rey accidentally blew up the one we thought we saw him get on?
“Shut up; enjoy the movie.”
When did Rey learn how to force grab a fucking spaceship?! Master Yoda struggled to prevent Anakin and Obi-wan from getting crushed by a single metal column!
“She’s Palpatine’s granddaughter. She got those powers from birth. Shut up; enjoy the movie.”
When did Rey learn to shoot lightning?
“Shut up; enjoy the movie.”
That’s-that’s this movie. Don’t question anything; just enjoy it. Because there’s special effects all up the ass and there’s lots of epic music and lots of wacky-sacky MCU humor! And that’s all that matters in a movie! Don’t worry about the plot, or the characters, or how well-edited it is, or if anything is consistent—none of that matters. Wacky comedy and flashy effects matter! I know some of you are gonna say that I enjoyed Godzilla: King of Monsters and that I’m a hypocrite. And yeah! I did!
The movie isn’t good though. It’s objectively bad. I had fun with it. I enjoyed it. I even recommended it! But I blatantly said that you’ll hate the movie if you try to watch it with your brain turned on.
There’s a quote someone said a while back that goes like, “If you try to please everybody, you’ll please nobody.” And that’s what this film did. Say what you will about The Force Awakens, that it’s unoriginal, that it’s riddled with fanservice, that it has plot holes, that Rey is a Mary Sue—that movie knew who it was trying to satisfy. You can whine and bitch all you want to about how horrible The Last Jedi was—at least Rian Johnson wanted to make a movie where he didn’t make another copy of Empire Strikes Back. He tried to do something different. He pissed off damn near all the fans, but hey. He had his own vision and he went out and made it!
But The Rise of Skywalker is trying to ignore The Last Jedi while also attempting to be a sequel to said movie. You can’t make a sequel to a movie that ignores the events of the movie and also acknowledges the exact same events! That just doesn’t work! What you end up getting is a disjointed cobbled mess where nothing makes sense and we’re supposed to accept that nothing makes sense!
This movie also introduces too many characters who end up doing nothing. Zorii Bliss is this cool-looking character and apparently a former fling of Poe’s. They have a conversation together. And then she shows up briefly later. Then she does nothing. Finn meets this woman who used to be a Stormtrooper like him. They have a conversation together. She participates in an action scene. Then she does nothing. Rose had a huge role in the last movie. Here she doesn’t really do anything. She was in love with Finn but I guess they broke up between films. Off-screen. So whatever.
“Actually, there’s an entire book that explains they broke up and decided to just be friends.”
That’s another problem with this trilogy. It expects you to read outside source material to fully understand shit. Y’all remember Captain Phasma? Did y’all know she has an entire book and comic book dedicated to her backstory and character development? If not, be prepared to spend twenty dollars just to uncover the mysteries of a character who had ten minutes of screentime between two films!
There’s this new general called Pryde. He’s actually quite menacing. He says some evil things. Then he dies. General Hux was a little bitch in the previous movie, but here, they turned him into a traitor. They made him a mole for the Resistance. I thought this was going to go somewhere! I thought they were going to do something cool with his character! They seemed like they were taking the criticism of his character from the last movie and deciding to—
He gets shot in the chest. Subplot over.
C-3PO gets an arc where his memory may be erased and he’ll forget everything he ever went through (again). And for a while, his memory is wiped and he can’t—
R2-D2 restores his memory in under a second.
Some of the shit I genuinely liked about The Last Jedi has been nullified here. Rey’s parents being nobody junkers? Turns out they abandoned Rey for her “safety.” Because nothing says good parenting like dumping your five-year-old child on a desert planet and leaving her under the care of a sociopathic junk trader. Snoke gets killed in The Last Jedi? Turns out that he got replaced with Emperor Palpatine through bullshit means. I didn’t like Snoke at all, but at least he was a different villain, and I’m gonna get into why Palpatine’s resurrection was a dumb thing to do shortly.
So the emperor is resurrected. Ignoring the bullshit reason behind how he came back to life, this borderline renders a lot of the shit that happened in Return of the Jedi pointless. Sure, yes, the galaxy entered a period of peace for several years. But what does it matter? The man who caused all this shit came back to life and did the same shit all over again. Darth Vader saved his son Luke? Luke grew up, tried to kill his nephew, indirectly drew him to the Dark Side, and became a lonely, grumpy hermit. And then he died. So the person Darth Vader redeemed himself for became a cynical twat, and the person Darth Vader killed for the sake of saving his son came back to life. Because plot. How would y’all feel if, let’s say, Adolf Hitler came back to life, and it was revealed that he was secretly behind the terrorists who conducted 9/11? And then later on, he tries to start the Holocaust again? More importantly, how would y’all feel if we never found out how he came back? It’s just “Oh hey, Hitler’s alive. We gotta stop him again.”
I understand that it’s impossible to successfully stop evil. I get that. But evil comes in so many different forms, and works in some many different ways. Evil isn’t just this one thing; it’s several things. This is one of the reasons why I love Star Wars: The Clone Wars. There were dozens of villains in that series who weren’t directly involved with the Empire, but they were still absolutely vile and used the Clone Wars as a means to cause damage and turmoil throughout the galaxy and on separate planets. But according to this film, the main source of evil is behind everything. And he can just come back to life whenever the fuck he wants, so why the fuck should I care what happens in the galaxy? The emperor is gonna come back in another couple decades, so whatever.
Uh, there’s lots of shooting, lots of explosions, bullshit, bullshit, flashy colors. Rey is Palpatine’s granddaughter. I grabbed my face in frustration when this was revealed, but ultimately, I shut off my brain and accepted it, because that’s what this movie wants. And hey, to be fair, same thing happened with Darth Vader and Luke right? So Rey goes to confront Palpatine along with Kylo Ren/Ben Solo. Then Rey hears the voices of other Jedi knights, and she uses the Force to kill Palpatine for good. But not really, because Disney. And then Rey dies because she used up all her energy. But then, Ben Solo decides to resurrect Rey using his Force powers—Jedi can do that now—and then Ben ends up dying instead of Rey. And then Rey goes to Tatooine, and she takes the Skywalker surname. Because she bonded with Leia and Luke so damn well and saw their Force ghosts, so that’s okay. That’s just fucking fine.
I don’t understand why Kylo Ren/Ben Solo had to die. Sure, he was a whiny emo knockoff of Darth Vader, but that was the point of his character. Rian Johnson took that angle of his character and ran with it, fleshed it out. Made him into a really compelling and complex character who kept struggling with the Dark Side, but ultimately was an inferior commander. Eventually, he ends up joining the good guys, seeing that being one with the Dark Side gave him no joy or pleasure anymore. We see him struggling to acknowledge everything he’s done, and eventually accepting it and literally throwing his darkness away. And after all this shit, he doesn’t really do anything except give his life to resurrect Rey. It would’ve made more sense for Ben to live. Rey would die saving the galaxy, and Ben would have to carry the burden of knowing not only that Rey died, but that he played a key role in helping the First Order cause turmoil across the galaxy. And he would spend the rest of his life atoning for his sins. But nah, fuck that. Just kill him.
And then of course, Rey takes the Skywalker name. Again, Ben could’ve lived. Ben could’ve taken the Skywalker name and be Ben Skywalker, and he would carry on the Skywalker legacy. He would be proof that no matter how far you fall, you can still be redeemed no matter what. If you choose to be. You have a choice to be good or evil. And Ben Skywalker could’ve been proof of that. But nah, fuck that. Just kill him. Even if they killed off Ben Solo, why did Rey take the Skywalker surname? Jeremy Jahns pointed this out; it would’ve been more fulfilling to keep the surname Palpatine. Because she would’ve been proof that even though she’s a Palpatine, even though she almost turned to the Dark Side, even though she could’ve been evil, she ended up being good. Rey could’ve been a perfect example of someone who came from an evil lineage, and despite this? She ended up being good! She saved the entire fucking galaxy! Rey, a Palpatine, saved the whole universe! Rey should’ve said:
“Yes, I am a Palpatine. And this Palpatine in front of you saved the whole galaxy when I had every chance to turn to the Dark Side. Fuck you gonna do about it?”
But nah, fuck that. Just make Rey a Skywalker. Just give Rey everything, even the fuckin’ Skywalker name. Because she clearly fucking deserves fucking every goddamn fucking thing.
“JT, this review seems…jumbled. Like you’re just hopping around pointing out random shit.”
Okay good. My review mirrors exactly what this movie is: a jumbled mess. J.J. Abrams said “fuck it, I’m just gonna do what I wanna do.” So he just cobbled shit together until he said “Okay, that’s long enough; I’m done. HERE FANS!”
Moving on from the film, this trilogy as a whole is awful. The Force Awakens was setup for the next two movies. The Last Jedi was more setup for the final movie. Then The Rise of Skywalker was just an attempt to cobble together two different movies trying to do two different things and then rushing towards an ending. On its own, The Force Awakens is good. On its own, The Last Jedi is (for me) good. Flawed, but good! On its own, The Rise of Skywalker is a jumbled mess. If you shut off your brain, maybe you can enjoy it? But as a whole, nobody can enjoy this trilogy. If you like The Force Awakens but hate The Last Jedi, you’ll hate The Rise of Skywalker. If you hate The Force Awakens but like The Last Jedi, you’ll hate The Rise of Skywalker. If you hate The Force Awakens and hate The Last Jedi, you’ll hate The Rise of Skywalker. If you like The Force Awakens and like The Last Jedi, you’ll maybe possibly like The Rise of Skywalker. This trilogy will barely satisfy anybody, fans or critics! It’s like this: someone wanted to make a cake. Someone wanted to make a pizza. Then the guy who wanted to make a cake realized that he didn’t finish the cake or the pizza, so he just said “fuck it, I’ll combine cake with pizza.” And cake just doesn’t go with pizza!
This is the shit I’ve been bitching about with most modern-day blockbusters. People behind these massive franchises don’t care. They just don’t care! It doesn’t matter if these movies get bad reviews; it doesn’t matter if the fans think these films are shit. At the end of the day, these films are gonna make money. They’re going to be forgotten about in a few months, but Hollywood don’t give a shit. As long as they jingly-jangly some shiny keys in front of our faces, then it’s all right. It’s like when Chewie found out that Leia died and he just broke down. Then at the end of the movie, he got that medal that he never got from A New Hope. That’s a wonderful metaphor for this entire trilogy and many other franchises nowadays.
“We know that we’ve sullied, possibly murdered something you hold near and dear to you. But it’s okay. We have this shiny trinket to say we’re sorry for your loss! Here, take it.”
And we just…we just take it while sobbing quietly. Because we know it’s better than nothing at all.
Star Wars has always been a divisive franchise. I grew up with the prequels. I enjoy the prequels. The prequels gave me Star Wars: The Clone Wars. They’re bad, but they’re consistent at least. They had an end goal. They set shit up. And at least we can all say that Revenge of the Sith is the best one in the trilogy. Do we blame the fans? Do we blame the Internet? Do we blame the directors and writers? Do we blame feminism? Do we blame SJWs? Who do we blame for this?
The answer is YES.
At the end of the day, this whole ordeal has taught me something. The Star Wars franchise isn’t special. I don’t think it ever was. It was just a work of fiction that became popular. And the fanbase saw it as a piece of art. But art can be sullied. Game of Thrones, Die Hard, Terminator, Ghostbusters, Star Trek—these are all just pieces of fiction. Some of us hold these franchises near and dear to our hearts. But it doesn’t change what they are: fictional entertainment. And Star Wars has devolved into a piece of fiction that is so unsatisfactory and frustrating that I want nothing to do with it anymore. I know The Mandalorian is wonderful. I know that new game that came out is wonderful. But I have to stop now; I don’t care enough to invest more time with this shit.
I’m going to go now because this journal is making me depressed about the future of filmmaking and I need to go lie down or kill more people in Saints Row II. I’m sure some of you feel like screaming at me, or telling me that I’m wrong, or that I’m wasting my time, or whatever. Feel free to scream your opinions at me in the comments. Because just like J.J. Abrams, I just don’t care anymore.
He made the movie he wanted to make, and we have to deal with it. Or just not watch it.
I’ve said what I wanted to say. And y’all just have to deal with it.
One Sentence Review: The Rise of Skywalker
General | Posted 6 years agoOn top of disrespecting the entire Skywalker family line just to give what they have to a woman who did not earn what she ends up getting, this film is so choppy, messy, rushed, and underdeveloped that you would honestly think that you didn't watch the film that came before this one.
RATING: 3/10.
I was gonna give a thorough review of this film. I was gonna give a spoiler-free review of this film.
But after mulling about it for the past couple hours, I just do not have the time or patience to do so. I do not feel like spending the rest of my Friday being frustrated over a film that is nothing more than just a bunch of flashy colors that will ultimately be forgotten about in a month or two. Like several blockbusters that have come out the past several years.
So I'm gonna go play Saints Row II and have fun aimlessly and hilariously murdering people.
I may do a full review later this weekend.
Maybe.
If I care enough.
RATING: 3/10.
I was gonna give a thorough review of this film. I was gonna give a spoiler-free review of this film.
But after mulling about it for the past couple hours, I just do not have the time or patience to do so. I do not feel like spending the rest of my Friday being frustrated over a film that is nothing more than just a bunch of flashy colors that will ultimately be forgotten about in a month or two. Like several blockbusters that have come out the past several years.
So I'm gonna go play Saints Row II and have fun aimlessly and hilariously murdering people.
I may do a full review later this weekend.
Maybe.
If I care enough.
My Life Right Now
General | Posted 6 years agoVenom "Review" and Why Many Big-Budget Movies Suck Ass Now
General | Posted 6 years agoToday I’m going to review a movie I didn’t finish.
“That’s not fair! You can’t review a movie when you haven’t even seen the entire thing!”
FUCKING. WATCH ME.
RATING: FUCK YOU/10.
So
pokemonmanic3595 and I watched Venom last night. Or we tried to. But halfway in, we both realized that the movie was too infuriating, so we said “fuck it” and we stopped watching it.
We will never touch this movie again.
Lemme just say this right now: a movie doesn’t need much to entertain me. You gimme explosions, or car chases, or lots of gore and grossness, or lots of toilet humor and shit jokes, maybe some lovely ass shots, I’ll be happy. That’s all I need. It really is. A wonderful example off the top of my head? Godzilla: King of Monsters. That is an awful, awful movie, but I recommend you give it a watch because it’s loads of fun and it knows what it is and it knows what its audience wants. I will stomach through the worst movies ever if they have these basic amounts of fanservice in them. None of that fucking matters if there is no backbone holding the movie together.
Which this movie does not have whatsoever.
You wanna make a movie, fine. You need to have some kind of compelling story—even if the story is weird or “boring” or slow or it initially makes no sense.
This movie does not have that.
You need to have some kind of character to sympathize with, some kind of character to root for, some kind of character to loathe so that when they inevitably fail at the end—or get away with their crimes—you’re either left feeling catharsis or absolute rage at the fact that the character won.
This movie does not have that.
You need to have something to keep the audience invested—even if it’s just mindless explosions. If you take too long, and you don’t have the above two boxes checked off, your audience will get bored.
THIS MOVIE DOES NOT HAVE THAT.
“But JT! This movie made millions of billions of dollahs! How could it possibly be bad?! D:”
Because people are so complacent with the movies they get nowadays that big-time industries can pump out literal diarrhea knowing full well that it’s a load of shit, and it will still make them shit-fucks of money if they slap on a familiar brand name everyone loves. But I will get back to that later. Let’s go over the requirements as to how this movie fucks up everything.
The story isn’t compelling. “Here’s an origin story of how an ordinary man did blah blah blah blah blah blah—AW MAH GAWD! SUBERPOWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!”
Tired of it. I’m fucking sick and tired of these fucking cookie-cutter origin superhero movies that we’ve seen a billion times over. Now yes, it’s impossible to make anything “new” nowadays, and I understand that. But nothing about this concept was interesting. A man is investigating an evil bad guy’s corporation. Obvious evil bad guy is evil. Hero ultimately investigates spooky bad guy’s lair and ends up getting infected with something weird—radiation, a spider bite, space goop, what have you—and WHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Superhero. It’s just so goddamn boring and this movie didn’t even try to mix up its concept.
“But JT! Venom isn’t a superhero! He’s a villain! D:”
Then why the fuck is this movie treating Venom like an anti-hero? Why is he being treated like this bumbling-ass, stupid-ass, corny deep-voiced villain who just exists solely to make a bunch of stale lines that clearly are not funny? Why isn’t he tormenting Eddie Brock? Why isn’t he corrupting him the way Venom did in Spider-Man 3? Venom doesn’t do anything but assist Brock with helping him defeat the bad guys. It’s literally no different than Bruce Banner and the Incredible Hulk. That’s not fun. That’s not interesting. And that’s nothing new at all.
“But JT! Eddie Brock isn’t a cliché hero! He’s a bit of a jerk who’s an asshole! D:”
Once again, this is nothing new. Thor was the exact same way in Thor—another movie that I didn’t hate, but honestly, it’s very forgettable. Guy starts off as a trademark asshole. Guy falls from grace. Guy goes through character development as the movie progresses. The problem with Eddie Brock is that he’s stupid. He’s a bumbling dumbshit who just meanders his way through the plot by chance. He tries to expose the bad guy on his evil schemes during a live interview and, predictably, gets fired. But he did all of this without presenting any evidence to anyone or having hard proof that this man was guilty. He just did it on a hunch. Because of what he did, his fiancée also gets fired, and he gets kicked out his apartment. The movie expects us to sympathize with Eddie Brock because he’s lost everything and fallen from grace, but everything he lost was directly his fault. So when the movie spends such a long-ass time showing him struggling to get a new job, you don’t care. Because in the back of your mind, you’re telling yourself that this is directly Eddie’s fault.
Even when he gets Venom infused with his DNA, it’s so fucking dumb. Eddie finds a random bitch stuck in a cell. So he tries to open the cell despite not knowing the code to unlock the door, and knowing that they probably have alarms set in place. Then he takes a fire extinguisher and breaks the cell door down, despite knowing full well the woman inside has been infected with something and is locked up for a reason. Then the woman breaks out and smothers Eddie with Venom goop, and boom. Eddie’s Venom now. This movie is dependent on the main protagonist being a fucking bumbling dumbshit and the main villain being as cliché and as evil as ever. And I cannot for the fucking life of me stand it when movies rely on people doing dumb shit in order for the plot to move forward.
“But JT! What about the explosions?! What about the CGI fight scenes?! WHAT ABOUT THICC-BOI VENOM?! D:”
I. DON’T. CARE.
This movie took fifty fucking minutes—FIFTY SODDING PLODDING MINUTES!—before anything fucking interesting and spooge-worthy happened! We don’t see Venom in action for two-thirds of the fucking film! The entire movie beforehand was nothing but lots of shitty humor, lots of awkward humor, lots of shitty jokes, a cliché and overly-evil villain, bad pacing, focusing on a mopey Eddie Brock being mopey, and Eddie eating Tater-Tots out the goddamn freezer! Nothing of any fucking remote interest happens. Even the brief massacre scene in Malaysia was boring to watch because you can clearly tell it was supposed to be graphic and R-rated. But we can’t have an R-rated Venom film! No, no—we gotta fuckin’ make it PG-13 because these fucking people have so little faith in taking risks that they settle for making the most basic, generic, stupid-ass superhero movie of all fucking time just so it can make loads of money and activate another goddamn motherfucking shared universe we don’t need right now!
“BUT THICC-BOI VENOM! D:”
YouTube. FA. InkBunny. SoFurry. Reddit. Fanfiction.net. e621. Fchan. Google search “venom porn thicc ass.” I don’t need to see this movie to see Venom and his deliciously sexy, sleek, thicc ass. I was genuinely gonna push through this awful shit when I saw this wonderful shot of him in the reflection of a car window Eddie stood in front of, but when that motorcycle chase sequence started with the drones crashing into the ground and exploding, both pokemonmanic and I tapped out. We couldn’t finish the film. It had been nothing but stupid shit after stupid shit after more and more and more and more stupid shit, and the level of fucking bullshittery that was that motorcycle chase scene was the absolute peak of it all. And we couldn’t take it.
“But the movie might’ve gotten better! D:”
Two problems with that statement. First of all? The movie is cookie-cutter. It’s cliché. It’s predictable. I know what’ll happen. Eddie learns to embrace his relationship with Venom. Eddie and Venom take on the big bad. They defeat him. Movie ends with Eddie keeping Venom as a partner, and he decides to become a gritty superhero/anti-hero. Tell me I’m wrong. I fucking dare you.
Second of all? Even if this movie did get better and went in an unexpected direction, I DON’T FUCKING CARE! This movie failed to make me sympathize with the protagonist. It failed to do anything special, stylish, or unique with its concept. It failed to make an interesting antagonist. It failed to make an interesting love relationship—or any relationship at all. It fucking failed to give me the Venom fanservice that I was dying to see in the first place because it took so fucking long to get there. This movie did exactly what the American Godzilla remake did. It took too fucking long. And when the good shit finally fucking happened in Godzilla? I was bored. I didn’t give two shits about what was happening.
I’m not gonna bother recommending this movie. And you all fucking know why. I swear, it is so rare for a film to make me this angry because of how fucking inept it is. Venom isn’t just a bad superhero movie, nor is it just a bad movie in general. This movie is the reason why a lot of the big-budget movies we’re getting nowadays aren’t good anymore. Moviegoers have grown so complacent that they’ll accept anything as long as there’s explosions on the screen, forced humor, special effects, or someone saying “fuck” and “shit” a lot. And the people who make movies like Venom are fully aware of this. So they don’t even try anymore. What they do is they cobble together a bunch of scenes, snatch up some recognizable actors, cobble together loads of CGI effects, half-ass a plot everyone is familiar with, and then they snatch up a marketable name or franchise and slap it against their piece of shit film so they can sell it to a wide audience and make loads of money. They did it with Jurassic Park. They did it with Predator. They’ve been doing it with Star Wars. They’re doing it with Star Trek. They're doing it with these live-action Disney remakes. They did it with Ghostbusters. They tried and thankfully failed to do it with the Universal Monsters franchise. And from the look of things, it’s happening with Terminator.
And I understand that this isn’t the actors’ fault. I understand that this isn’t the VFX artists’ fault. All these people are just doing their jobs. I blame the writers for having such a terrible script, the director, for not being able to persuade the company executives into making a better movie, and the goddamn money-grubbing executives who forced out this movie as shittily as possible for no other reason than for it to make fuck-loads of money without putting in a single ounce of passion or care into what they were creating. Because we all fucking know that’s what they did. And then when movies like The Nightingale or The Death of Dick Long come out, movies that were made out of passion and love? We don’t get to see them in theaters or support them because the movie industry doesn’t bother giving them a wide release. I absolutely love Steven Craig Zahler’s films, but this year I had to rent Dragged Across Concrete from Amazon because they gave that film such a limited release. And it pissed me off, because I love that film and I wanted to pay money to see it in theaters.
You wanna see a “cookie-cutter” superhero movie that’s “cliché”? Watch Big Hero 6—something pokemonmanic and I did after we refused to finish watching this pile of shit. That’s a movie that’s stylish. That’s a movie that’s unique. That’s a movie that starts with a protagonist who’s a straight-up hustler, but because of his big brother giving him an alternative to hustling, he decides on his own terms to apply for a robotics college that he would enjoy. That’s a movie where the hero and his partner goes through development. That’s a movie that has a compelling relationship between a teenager and his older brother, and a teenager and his big poofy robot buddy. That’s a movie that isn’t filled with needless bullshit. That’s a movie that’s actually funny. That’s a movie that’s bright and colorful and pretty to just look at, and goddamn is it incredibly animated. All those animation sequences involving the microbots? They were visually pleasing! That car chase scene on the streets of the city? So cool and properly choreographed and I actually felt tension for all of the characters in danger! All of this was capped off with a very touching Aesop about the cycle of revenge and how it achieves nothing, and how the protagonist learns from it. But Venom? No, uh-uh…Venom had none of this.
Jesus fucking Christ.
When it comes to superhero media, I’m gonna see Joker, and anything related to Guardians of the Galaxy. And I might see The Boys TV series since it basically deconstructs the superhero franchise entirely. Besides that, I’ve no investment in anything superhero-related right now, and I don’t think I will for a very long time.
I’m getting tired of this superhero shit after Avengers: Endgame, and this movie was the one that finally broke me. I need a break.
…I need a fucking break…
“That’s not fair! You can’t review a movie when you haven’t even seen the entire thing!”
FUCKING. WATCH ME.
RATING: FUCK YOU/10.
So
pokemonmanic3595 and I watched Venom last night. Or we tried to. But halfway in, we both realized that the movie was too infuriating, so we said “fuck it” and we stopped watching it.We will never touch this movie again.
Lemme just say this right now: a movie doesn’t need much to entertain me. You gimme explosions, or car chases, or lots of gore and grossness, or lots of toilet humor and shit jokes, maybe some lovely ass shots, I’ll be happy. That’s all I need. It really is. A wonderful example off the top of my head? Godzilla: King of Monsters. That is an awful, awful movie, but I recommend you give it a watch because it’s loads of fun and it knows what it is and it knows what its audience wants. I will stomach through the worst movies ever if they have these basic amounts of fanservice in them. None of that fucking matters if there is no backbone holding the movie together.
Which this movie does not have whatsoever.
You wanna make a movie, fine. You need to have some kind of compelling story—even if the story is weird or “boring” or slow or it initially makes no sense.
This movie does not have that.
You need to have some kind of character to sympathize with, some kind of character to root for, some kind of character to loathe so that when they inevitably fail at the end—or get away with their crimes—you’re either left feeling catharsis or absolute rage at the fact that the character won.
This movie does not have that.
You need to have something to keep the audience invested—even if it’s just mindless explosions. If you take too long, and you don’t have the above two boxes checked off, your audience will get bored.
THIS MOVIE DOES NOT HAVE THAT.
“But JT! This movie made millions of billions of dollahs! How could it possibly be bad?! D:”
Because people are so complacent with the movies they get nowadays that big-time industries can pump out literal diarrhea knowing full well that it’s a load of shit, and it will still make them shit-fucks of money if they slap on a familiar brand name everyone loves. But I will get back to that later. Let’s go over the requirements as to how this movie fucks up everything.
The story isn’t compelling. “Here’s an origin story of how an ordinary man did blah blah blah blah blah blah—AW MAH GAWD! SUBERPOWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!”
Tired of it. I’m fucking sick and tired of these fucking cookie-cutter origin superhero movies that we’ve seen a billion times over. Now yes, it’s impossible to make anything “new” nowadays, and I understand that. But nothing about this concept was interesting. A man is investigating an evil bad guy’s corporation. Obvious evil bad guy is evil. Hero ultimately investigates spooky bad guy’s lair and ends up getting infected with something weird—radiation, a spider bite, space goop, what have you—and WHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Superhero. It’s just so goddamn boring and this movie didn’t even try to mix up its concept.
“But JT! Venom isn’t a superhero! He’s a villain! D:”
Then why the fuck is this movie treating Venom like an anti-hero? Why is he being treated like this bumbling-ass, stupid-ass, corny deep-voiced villain who just exists solely to make a bunch of stale lines that clearly are not funny? Why isn’t he tormenting Eddie Brock? Why isn’t he corrupting him the way Venom did in Spider-Man 3? Venom doesn’t do anything but assist Brock with helping him defeat the bad guys. It’s literally no different than Bruce Banner and the Incredible Hulk. That’s not fun. That’s not interesting. And that’s nothing new at all.
“But JT! Eddie Brock isn’t a cliché hero! He’s a bit of a jerk who’s an asshole! D:”
Once again, this is nothing new. Thor was the exact same way in Thor—another movie that I didn’t hate, but honestly, it’s very forgettable. Guy starts off as a trademark asshole. Guy falls from grace. Guy goes through character development as the movie progresses. The problem with Eddie Brock is that he’s stupid. He’s a bumbling dumbshit who just meanders his way through the plot by chance. He tries to expose the bad guy on his evil schemes during a live interview and, predictably, gets fired. But he did all of this without presenting any evidence to anyone or having hard proof that this man was guilty. He just did it on a hunch. Because of what he did, his fiancée also gets fired, and he gets kicked out his apartment. The movie expects us to sympathize with Eddie Brock because he’s lost everything and fallen from grace, but everything he lost was directly his fault. So when the movie spends such a long-ass time showing him struggling to get a new job, you don’t care. Because in the back of your mind, you’re telling yourself that this is directly Eddie’s fault.
Even when he gets Venom infused with his DNA, it’s so fucking dumb. Eddie finds a random bitch stuck in a cell. So he tries to open the cell despite not knowing the code to unlock the door, and knowing that they probably have alarms set in place. Then he takes a fire extinguisher and breaks the cell door down, despite knowing full well the woman inside has been infected with something and is locked up for a reason. Then the woman breaks out and smothers Eddie with Venom goop, and boom. Eddie’s Venom now. This movie is dependent on the main protagonist being a fucking bumbling dumbshit and the main villain being as cliché and as evil as ever. And I cannot for the fucking life of me stand it when movies rely on people doing dumb shit in order for the plot to move forward.
“But JT! What about the explosions?! What about the CGI fight scenes?! WHAT ABOUT THICC-BOI VENOM?! D:”
I. DON’T. CARE.
This movie took fifty fucking minutes—FIFTY SODDING PLODDING MINUTES!—before anything fucking interesting and spooge-worthy happened! We don’t see Venom in action for two-thirds of the fucking film! The entire movie beforehand was nothing but lots of shitty humor, lots of awkward humor, lots of shitty jokes, a cliché and overly-evil villain, bad pacing, focusing on a mopey Eddie Brock being mopey, and Eddie eating Tater-Tots out the goddamn freezer! Nothing of any fucking remote interest happens. Even the brief massacre scene in Malaysia was boring to watch because you can clearly tell it was supposed to be graphic and R-rated. But we can’t have an R-rated Venom film! No, no—we gotta fuckin’ make it PG-13 because these fucking people have so little faith in taking risks that they settle for making the most basic, generic, stupid-ass superhero movie of all fucking time just so it can make loads of money and activate another goddamn motherfucking shared universe we don’t need right now!
“BUT THICC-BOI VENOM! D:”
YouTube. FA. InkBunny. SoFurry. Reddit. Fanfiction.net. e621. Fchan. Google search “venom porn thicc ass.” I don’t need to see this movie to see Venom and his deliciously sexy, sleek, thicc ass. I was genuinely gonna push through this awful shit when I saw this wonderful shot of him in the reflection of a car window Eddie stood in front of, but when that motorcycle chase sequence started with the drones crashing into the ground and exploding, both pokemonmanic and I tapped out. We couldn’t finish the film. It had been nothing but stupid shit after stupid shit after more and more and more and more stupid shit, and the level of fucking bullshittery that was that motorcycle chase scene was the absolute peak of it all. And we couldn’t take it.
“But the movie might’ve gotten better! D:”
Two problems with that statement. First of all? The movie is cookie-cutter. It’s cliché. It’s predictable. I know what’ll happen. Eddie learns to embrace his relationship with Venom. Eddie and Venom take on the big bad. They defeat him. Movie ends with Eddie keeping Venom as a partner, and he decides to become a gritty superhero/anti-hero. Tell me I’m wrong. I fucking dare you.
Second of all? Even if this movie did get better and went in an unexpected direction, I DON’T FUCKING CARE! This movie failed to make me sympathize with the protagonist. It failed to do anything special, stylish, or unique with its concept. It failed to make an interesting antagonist. It failed to make an interesting love relationship—or any relationship at all. It fucking failed to give me the Venom fanservice that I was dying to see in the first place because it took so fucking long to get there. This movie did exactly what the American Godzilla remake did. It took too fucking long. And when the good shit finally fucking happened in Godzilla? I was bored. I didn’t give two shits about what was happening.
I’m not gonna bother recommending this movie. And you all fucking know why. I swear, it is so rare for a film to make me this angry because of how fucking inept it is. Venom isn’t just a bad superhero movie, nor is it just a bad movie in general. This movie is the reason why a lot of the big-budget movies we’re getting nowadays aren’t good anymore. Moviegoers have grown so complacent that they’ll accept anything as long as there’s explosions on the screen, forced humor, special effects, or someone saying “fuck” and “shit” a lot. And the people who make movies like Venom are fully aware of this. So they don’t even try anymore. What they do is they cobble together a bunch of scenes, snatch up some recognizable actors, cobble together loads of CGI effects, half-ass a plot everyone is familiar with, and then they snatch up a marketable name or franchise and slap it against their piece of shit film so they can sell it to a wide audience and make loads of money. They did it with Jurassic Park. They did it with Predator. They’ve been doing it with Star Wars. They’re doing it with Star Trek. They're doing it with these live-action Disney remakes. They did it with Ghostbusters. They tried and thankfully failed to do it with the Universal Monsters franchise. And from the look of things, it’s happening with Terminator.
And I understand that this isn’t the actors’ fault. I understand that this isn’t the VFX artists’ fault. All these people are just doing their jobs. I blame the writers for having such a terrible script, the director, for not being able to persuade the company executives into making a better movie, and the goddamn money-grubbing executives who forced out this movie as shittily as possible for no other reason than for it to make fuck-loads of money without putting in a single ounce of passion or care into what they were creating. Because we all fucking know that’s what they did. And then when movies like The Nightingale or The Death of Dick Long come out, movies that were made out of passion and love? We don’t get to see them in theaters or support them because the movie industry doesn’t bother giving them a wide release. I absolutely love Steven Craig Zahler’s films, but this year I had to rent Dragged Across Concrete from Amazon because they gave that film such a limited release. And it pissed me off, because I love that film and I wanted to pay money to see it in theaters.
You wanna see a “cookie-cutter” superhero movie that’s “cliché”? Watch Big Hero 6—something pokemonmanic and I did after we refused to finish watching this pile of shit. That’s a movie that’s stylish. That’s a movie that’s unique. That’s a movie that starts with a protagonist who’s a straight-up hustler, but because of his big brother giving him an alternative to hustling, he decides on his own terms to apply for a robotics college that he would enjoy. That’s a movie where the hero and his partner goes through development. That’s a movie that has a compelling relationship between a teenager and his older brother, and a teenager and his big poofy robot buddy. That’s a movie that isn’t filled with needless bullshit. That’s a movie that’s actually funny. That’s a movie that’s bright and colorful and pretty to just look at, and goddamn is it incredibly animated. All those animation sequences involving the microbots? They were visually pleasing! That car chase scene on the streets of the city? So cool and properly choreographed and I actually felt tension for all of the characters in danger! All of this was capped off with a very touching Aesop about the cycle of revenge and how it achieves nothing, and how the protagonist learns from it. But Venom? No, uh-uh…Venom had none of this.
Jesus fucking Christ.
When it comes to superhero media, I’m gonna see Joker, and anything related to Guardians of the Galaxy. And I might see The Boys TV series since it basically deconstructs the superhero franchise entirely. Besides that, I’ve no investment in anything superhero-related right now, and I don’t think I will for a very long time.
I’m getting tired of this superhero shit after Avengers: Endgame, and this movie was the one that finally broke me. I need a break.
…I need a fucking break…
Post-Birthday Shiz/GO WATCH FINAL SPACE
General | Posted 6 years agoSo yay. It's no longer my birthday. Enjoyed having to work at 5am the very next day. Thank you to everyone who wished me happy birthday and all that jazz.
As I anticipated, did nothing noteworthy yesterday. Played some Styx: Shards of Darkness. Got a Hunter x Hunter film. Spoke to some people about things and shiz. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand that's it. But hey. Tomorrow Midsommar comes out. Absolutely eager to see that movie. :D
In other news, this new animated show came out last year called Final Space. Now I could make a review about Season 1. I could tell you that it's surprisingly funny. I could tell you that from Episode 4 onwards, it gets much more emotional and serious. I could tell you that it has the balls to make groundbreaking choices, such as having the season end in a way that makes you question just how the cast is going to recover from all the shit they've been through. I could tell you that someone died very abruptly, and said character's death drove me to actual tears. I could tell you that it's nothing like Family Guy or Bob's Burgers or The Simpsons, and it stands out from all those animated comedies. I could tell you that the show is more or less Guardians of the Galaxy, but for adults.
But something tells me some of you don't care about any of that shit.
So here's a clip of some of the characters peeing on things.
https://youtu.be/sEJGb0b6hK4
There. Now you have incentive to go watch it.
You're welcome. :D
As I anticipated, did nothing noteworthy yesterday. Played some Styx: Shards of Darkness. Got a Hunter x Hunter film. Spoke to some people about things and shiz. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand that's it. But hey. Tomorrow Midsommar comes out. Absolutely eager to see that movie. :D
In other news, this new animated show came out last year called Final Space. Now I could make a review about Season 1. I could tell you that it's surprisingly funny. I could tell you that from Episode 4 onwards, it gets much more emotional and serious. I could tell you that it has the balls to make groundbreaking choices, such as having the season end in a way that makes you question just how the cast is going to recover from all the shit they've been through. I could tell you that someone died very abruptly, and said character's death drove me to actual tears. I could tell you that it's nothing like Family Guy or Bob's Burgers or The Simpsons, and it stands out from all those animated comedies. I could tell you that the show is more or less Guardians of the Galaxy, but for adults.
But something tells me some of you don't care about any of that shit.
So here's a clip of some of the characters peeing on things.
https://youtu.be/sEJGb0b6hK4
There. Now you have incentive to go watch it.
You're welcome. :D
Birfday Wulf Again Again
General | Posted 6 years agoWhooooooooooooooooooo.
*sprays confetti poppers in my face*
So ish my birthday again. Three more years and I'll be thirty. I wasn't even expecting to be off work today. But now that I am off work, I have no idea what the fuck to do! Which means I get to spend another day of my life wasting my time and doing nothing of value.
*flops down on the floor*
*sprays confetti poppers in my face*
So ish my birthday again. Three more years and I'll be thirty. I wasn't even expecting to be off work today. But now that I am off work, I have no idea what the fuck to do! Which means I get to spend another day of my life wasting my time and doing nothing of value.
*flops down on the floor*
Godzilla: King of Monsters Review (SPOILERS)
General | Posted 6 years agoOkay good. They made an American Godzilla movie that actually has Godzilla in it.
“Oh. So you think it’s a great film?”
I DID NOT SAY THAT.
RATING: 4/10
So yeah, recently saw the new Godzilla movie. Also, just for fuck’s sake and because I really don’t care?
SPOILERS.
All right, so this movie has humans in it. They do a bunch of shit no one cares about. Lots of them die. Godzilla roars and blows his atomic breath. Then he kills the bad guy and wins.
…Do I need to say more? Do I really need to elaborate?
Look, I set my expectations very low for this film. I heard many negative things about it. I saw the Rotten Tomatoes score. I saw some reviews online. I heard it “failed” at the box office. I just wanted to see an entertaining monster film. That’s it. That’s all I wanted to see.
AND OHHHHHHHH MYYYYYYYY GGAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWDDDD!!!
This is one of the best bad movies I’ve seen in theaters in the past decade!
Can we talk about King Ghidorah? We’re gonna talk about King Ghidorah.
So King Ghidorah is this three-headed alien monstrous dragon thing that Godzilla and Mothra both gotta fight. And that thing is terrifying, man! He does some disturbing-ass things in this movie that I picked up on before the exposition ruined it for me. He has lightning breath for fuck’s sake. Lightning breath. The guy teamed up with Rodan (I will get to that motherfucker in a minute) and then he woke up all the other kaiju around the world (I will get to that later) so he could use ‘em all to destroy the world. This is one of those antagonists that shows he is clearly sentient and knows what he’s doing; he’s not just some wild animal, and I feel like that makes him much more menacing. Also he’s adorable. King Ghidorah’s three heads constantly bicker with one another. There’s a part where the heads are fighting over eating some human remains and the middle head bites the left head on its horns. I thought that was cute.
Rodan is this big-ass pterosaur and giant eagle hybrid thing and he is just all shades of awesome. Guy’s always covered in smoke or fire or magma or what have you. He can destroy a whole city just by flapping his big-ass wings and causing sonic booms or some shit—I dunno. He eats a pilot after he ejects from his plane, which was nice. I just adore the way this guy was designed and his overall entrance in the movie—watching him destroy and entire small city just by flying over it, along with several bombers, was damn fun.
Mothra was cool. I thought Mothra was gonna be a joke monster or a dumb monster. Because we all know moths aren’t intimidating. Yeah, no, Mothra is a bad bitch. She’s got all them legs (stingers?) and shit that are basically giant knives, which she uses to cut up monsters and impale them through their bodies. I thought she was gonna get her ass kicked early on during the final fight, but no. She subdued Rodan by herself and helped nurse Godzilla back to health by sacrificing herself. She definitely has the least amount of screentime, but she left her mark in the movie. Shame though. Would be interesting if she showed up in a sequel to team up with Godzilla again.
Aaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnddddddddd there’s Godzilla himself. …Being bluntly honest, he was the least interesting of the four. Yeah, he’s got that iconic roar and that atomic breath and he’s a badass motherfucker. But we know he’s not gonna die. We know he’s gonna win. We know he’s gonna triumph in the end. Which he does. The other three kaiju in this movie looked, fought, and behaved in ways that seemed much cooler and more unique compared to Godzilla. Not that I hate Godzilla. But eh…the other three kaiju just interested me so much more. King Ghidorah especially.
Godzilla is a thicc boi. He’s got that goin’ for him. Goddamn is that a thicc reptile. With that big ol’ booty and them big ol’ thighs. …King Ghidorah was kinda thick too actually. I mean he’s mostly skinny, but damn is there “more” of him from the waist down. And they even teased that King Ghidorah and Rodan might’ve ended up fucking each other. Which I would’ve been fine watching. I would’ve been okay with that.
“You’ve gone through this entire review without mentioning the human characters. You do realize this, right?”
Yeah.
That’s the problem.
Do you see why I gave this movie a 4/10 now? :/
I don’t care about anything that wasn’t kaiju related. In other words, 60% of the film. It was either bland, stupid, or infuriating. Sally Hawkins is in this movie and she did a decent job. Then she just gets flattened by a chunk of ice and everyone forgets she existed! Ken Watanabe’s character was one of the few developed ones, and he ends up sacrificing himself to save Godzilla. And I didn’t feel anything. At all. Vera Farminga played a stupid dumb bitch who ended up freeing King Ghidorah from hibernation in the first place.
“Humanity is gonna become extinct, so let’s free over a dozen giant monsters around the world to try and save the world, even though said monsters might end up driving humanity to extinction!”
Good job, you stupid bitch! Good job with that fucking plan of yours! I’m so glad she died in the end. I don’t even give a shit that she redeemed herself. This dumbass inadvertently started all this shit to begin with!
Charles Dance is in the movie. Because he’s British. And cliché movies need an evil brit in them, so they threw him in there. I actually kinda liked him as the villain, but he didn’t do much after his explosive entrance.
There’s a generic white male protagonist who knows how to do everything. I don’t care.
Millie Bobby Brown’s character was arguably the only major human character I gave a fuck about. Because she was the most believable and she was the most charismatic and she was the smartest. And she called out her mom on all the dumb shit she did and actually contributed to stopping all the carnage going on around the world, despite knowing a bunch of monsters would probably kill her.
There’s other characters. I don’t care. They’re not interesting. Or memorable. Or noteworthy. Or good. Which is a shame, because this movie has a lot of recognizable actors and actresses in it—all of whom I like! They got O’Shea Jackson Jr. in this movie for crying out loud! And he’s just Generic Black Military Guy!
Do I need to say more about the humans? Do you even care? Because I sure as hell don’t.
So would I recommend this movie?
…Yes?
Okay, I’ll put it like this: you need to be like me. You need to set your expectations very low. You need to have the ability to shut off your brain. And you need to be patient before you get to the goody monster fights. If you can do those three things? Sure. Absolutely. Go see this movie. It’s load of fun.
IT’S NOT GOOD THOUGH.
I need to stress that. This is a fun movie, not a good movie. It’s a very fun, very bad blockbuster. And goddamn it, I wanna see it again. I wanna see it a third time!
“How can you enjoy this movie, yet give the first one a 7/10?”
Y’know, looking back at it, that movie deserves a 5/10. It’s okay. It’s fine. But it’s nothing remarkable. I wanted Godzilla. I didn’t get him until the very end—and by that point, I was fucking sick and tired of waiting. So when the huge monster brawl happened, I did not care. They fucked up big time offing Bryan Cranston at the beginning of the second act, considering he was the only human protagonist I actually liked. I keep telling myself I’m gonna rewatch it.
But I never do.
Because I don’t want to. That movie is just boring.
This movie is bad, but it’s fun, so I don’t care. I honestly would rather see this movie again than see the original. Or better yet, hey. I’d rather pop in Pacific Rim. Yeah, that movie’s cliché, but it’s loads upon loads of fun, and they actually bothered to develop the human protagonists properly. They didn’t just rush through their storylines and expect the audience to care. Hence why that movie is vastly better than this one.
The MonsterVerse needs to figure out how to write better human protagonists. Seriously. Pacific Rim did it with ease. Also, kill a child. Onscreen. You keep putting children in life threatening situations and you never kill them. Stop that. Stop doing that!
STOP PUTTING CHILDREN IN PERILOUS SITUATIONS THAT WOULD NORMALLY KILL CHILDREN! FUCK!
Also. Just one time. Just one time.
…Just one time.
Once.
I would like to see Godzilla, or one of the kaiju in general, take a big ol’ dump on the ground. In full view. Or pass gas. That works too.
That is all I ask. Goddamn you. >:(
“Oh. So you think it’s a great film?”
I DID NOT SAY THAT.
RATING: 4/10
So yeah, recently saw the new Godzilla movie. Also, just for fuck’s sake and because I really don’t care?
SPOILERS.
All right, so this movie has humans in it. They do a bunch of shit no one cares about. Lots of them die. Godzilla roars and blows his atomic breath. Then he kills the bad guy and wins.
…Do I need to say more? Do I really need to elaborate?
Look, I set my expectations very low for this film. I heard many negative things about it. I saw the Rotten Tomatoes score. I saw some reviews online. I heard it “failed” at the box office. I just wanted to see an entertaining monster film. That’s it. That’s all I wanted to see.
AND OHHHHHHHH MYYYYYYYY GGAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWDDDD!!!
This is one of the best bad movies I’ve seen in theaters in the past decade!
Can we talk about King Ghidorah? We’re gonna talk about King Ghidorah.
So King Ghidorah is this three-headed alien monstrous dragon thing that Godzilla and Mothra both gotta fight. And that thing is terrifying, man! He does some disturbing-ass things in this movie that I picked up on before the exposition ruined it for me. He has lightning breath for fuck’s sake. Lightning breath. The guy teamed up with Rodan (I will get to that motherfucker in a minute) and then he woke up all the other kaiju around the world (I will get to that later) so he could use ‘em all to destroy the world. This is one of those antagonists that shows he is clearly sentient and knows what he’s doing; he’s not just some wild animal, and I feel like that makes him much more menacing. Also he’s adorable. King Ghidorah’s three heads constantly bicker with one another. There’s a part where the heads are fighting over eating some human remains and the middle head bites the left head on its horns. I thought that was cute.
Rodan is this big-ass pterosaur and giant eagle hybrid thing and he is just all shades of awesome. Guy’s always covered in smoke or fire or magma or what have you. He can destroy a whole city just by flapping his big-ass wings and causing sonic booms or some shit—I dunno. He eats a pilot after he ejects from his plane, which was nice. I just adore the way this guy was designed and his overall entrance in the movie—watching him destroy and entire small city just by flying over it, along with several bombers, was damn fun.
Mothra was cool. I thought Mothra was gonna be a joke monster or a dumb monster. Because we all know moths aren’t intimidating. Yeah, no, Mothra is a bad bitch. She’s got all them legs (stingers?) and shit that are basically giant knives, which she uses to cut up monsters and impale them through their bodies. I thought she was gonna get her ass kicked early on during the final fight, but no. She subdued Rodan by herself and helped nurse Godzilla back to health by sacrificing herself. She definitely has the least amount of screentime, but she left her mark in the movie. Shame though. Would be interesting if she showed up in a sequel to team up with Godzilla again.
Aaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnddddddddd there’s Godzilla himself. …Being bluntly honest, he was the least interesting of the four. Yeah, he’s got that iconic roar and that atomic breath and he’s a badass motherfucker. But we know he’s not gonna die. We know he’s gonna win. We know he’s gonna triumph in the end. Which he does. The other three kaiju in this movie looked, fought, and behaved in ways that seemed much cooler and more unique compared to Godzilla. Not that I hate Godzilla. But eh…the other three kaiju just interested me so much more. King Ghidorah especially.
Godzilla is a thicc boi. He’s got that goin’ for him. Goddamn is that a thicc reptile. With that big ol’ booty and them big ol’ thighs. …King Ghidorah was kinda thick too actually. I mean he’s mostly skinny, but damn is there “more” of him from the waist down. And they even teased that King Ghidorah and Rodan might’ve ended up fucking each other. Which I would’ve been fine watching. I would’ve been okay with that.
“You’ve gone through this entire review without mentioning the human characters. You do realize this, right?”
Yeah.
That’s the problem.
Do you see why I gave this movie a 4/10 now? :/
I don’t care about anything that wasn’t kaiju related. In other words, 60% of the film. It was either bland, stupid, or infuriating. Sally Hawkins is in this movie and she did a decent job. Then she just gets flattened by a chunk of ice and everyone forgets she existed! Ken Watanabe’s character was one of the few developed ones, and he ends up sacrificing himself to save Godzilla. And I didn’t feel anything. At all. Vera Farminga played a stupid dumb bitch who ended up freeing King Ghidorah from hibernation in the first place.
“Humanity is gonna become extinct, so let’s free over a dozen giant monsters around the world to try and save the world, even though said monsters might end up driving humanity to extinction!”
Good job, you stupid bitch! Good job with that fucking plan of yours! I’m so glad she died in the end. I don’t even give a shit that she redeemed herself. This dumbass inadvertently started all this shit to begin with!
Charles Dance is in the movie. Because he’s British. And cliché movies need an evil brit in them, so they threw him in there. I actually kinda liked him as the villain, but he didn’t do much after his explosive entrance.
There’s a generic white male protagonist who knows how to do everything. I don’t care.
Millie Bobby Brown’s character was arguably the only major human character I gave a fuck about. Because she was the most believable and she was the most charismatic and she was the smartest. And she called out her mom on all the dumb shit she did and actually contributed to stopping all the carnage going on around the world, despite knowing a bunch of monsters would probably kill her.
There’s other characters. I don’t care. They’re not interesting. Or memorable. Or noteworthy. Or good. Which is a shame, because this movie has a lot of recognizable actors and actresses in it—all of whom I like! They got O’Shea Jackson Jr. in this movie for crying out loud! And he’s just Generic Black Military Guy!
Do I need to say more about the humans? Do you even care? Because I sure as hell don’t.
So would I recommend this movie?
…Yes?
Okay, I’ll put it like this: you need to be like me. You need to set your expectations very low. You need to have the ability to shut off your brain. And you need to be patient before you get to the goody monster fights. If you can do those three things? Sure. Absolutely. Go see this movie. It’s load of fun.
IT’S NOT GOOD THOUGH.
I need to stress that. This is a fun movie, not a good movie. It’s a very fun, very bad blockbuster. And goddamn it, I wanna see it again. I wanna see it a third time!
“How can you enjoy this movie, yet give the first one a 7/10?”
Y’know, looking back at it, that movie deserves a 5/10. It’s okay. It’s fine. But it’s nothing remarkable. I wanted Godzilla. I didn’t get him until the very end—and by that point, I was fucking sick and tired of waiting. So when the huge monster brawl happened, I did not care. They fucked up big time offing Bryan Cranston at the beginning of the second act, considering he was the only human protagonist I actually liked. I keep telling myself I’m gonna rewatch it.
But I never do.
Because I don’t want to. That movie is just boring.
This movie is bad, but it’s fun, so I don’t care. I honestly would rather see this movie again than see the original. Or better yet, hey. I’d rather pop in Pacific Rim. Yeah, that movie’s cliché, but it’s loads upon loads of fun, and they actually bothered to develop the human protagonists properly. They didn’t just rush through their storylines and expect the audience to care. Hence why that movie is vastly better than this one.
The MonsterVerse needs to figure out how to write better human protagonists. Seriously. Pacific Rim did it with ease. Also, kill a child. Onscreen. You keep putting children in life threatening situations and you never kill them. Stop that. Stop doing that!
STOP PUTTING CHILDREN IN PERILOUS SITUATIONS THAT WOULD NORMALLY KILL CHILDREN! FUCK!
Also. Just one time. Just one time.
…Just one time.
Once.
I would like to see Godzilla, or one of the kaiju in general, take a big ol’ dump on the ground. In full view. Or pass gas. That works too.
That is all I ask. Goddamn you. >:(
Game of Thrones: Bleh Blehness (SPOILERS)
General | Posted 6 years agoSoooooooooooo the Game of Thrones finale happened.
...Eh. :/
I mean, I didn't hate it. Thought it was okay. I definitely feel like the first third of the episode was great; I kinda liked Tyrion a bit more after seeing the beginning of it. Thought the choreography was done excellently. Thought uh...thought it was well-shot and everything.
They burned the throne down and melted it. That was one of the best things about this episode. The fucking throne is fucking gone.
Dany dies. Because of course. Of course they killed Dany after I genuinely started to like her since Season 4. I mean I knew it was gonna happen, but still.
Bran is the new King. ...Whoo? :/
Sansa is the Queen of Winterfell. ...Whoo? :/
Jon Snow being forced to go back to the Night's Watch kinda makes sense, but at the same time...kinda irritated the shit out of me. The same way it did with Jaime. Felt like their character arc was just a circle, where nothing got resolved. Nothing changed. But I guess given the circumstances, it makes sense...I guess. Eh.
Uh, Tyrion doesn't die. Some other characters don't die.
JON PETTED HIS FUCKING WOLF. FUCK YES. HE PETTED HIS GODDAMN DOGGY. :D
So yeah...that's my review? I guess?
I mean, I kind of don't really care all that much.
I don't hate it.
Don't love it.
Just kinda...eh? :/
Just eh...eh.
Eh.
It's been a journey, that's for sure. It has definitely been a long-ass ride. And it was overall enjoyable, even if the ride has been very bumpy along the way and kinda "blah" by the end.
Well, we have memes. That's all that matters now.
We have memes.
Like this one.
...Eh. :/
I mean, I didn't hate it. Thought it was okay. I definitely feel like the first third of the episode was great; I kinda liked Tyrion a bit more after seeing the beginning of it. Thought the choreography was done excellently. Thought uh...thought it was well-shot and everything.
They burned the throne down and melted it. That was one of the best things about this episode. The fucking throne is fucking gone.
Dany dies. Because of course. Of course they killed Dany after I genuinely started to like her since Season 4. I mean I knew it was gonna happen, but still.
Bran is the new King. ...Whoo? :/
Sansa is the Queen of Winterfell. ...Whoo? :/
Jon Snow being forced to go back to the Night's Watch kinda makes sense, but at the same time...kinda irritated the shit out of me. The same way it did with Jaime. Felt like their character arc was just a circle, where nothing got resolved. Nothing changed. But I guess given the circumstances, it makes sense...I guess. Eh.
Uh, Tyrion doesn't die. Some other characters don't die.
JON PETTED HIS FUCKING WOLF. FUCK YES. HE PETTED HIS GODDAMN DOGGY. :D
So yeah...that's my review? I guess?
I mean, I kind of don't really care all that much.
I don't hate it.
Don't love it.
Just kinda...eh? :/
Just eh...eh.
Eh.
It's been a journey, that's for sure. It has definitely been a long-ass ride. And it was overall enjoyable, even if the ride has been very bumpy along the way and kinda "blah" by the end.
Well, we have memes. That's all that matters now.
We have memes.
Like this one.
Game of Thrones: Eight Deadly Words (SPOILERS)
General | Posted 6 years agoI DON'T CARE WHAT HAPPENS TO THESE PEOPLE. :D
It happened.
Y'all...y'all. Y'all.
You all. All of you. It happened.
It fookin' happened.
I stopped caring about the characters in this franchise. :D
"OH SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'M SO SICK OF ALL THESE FUCKIN' RANTS ABOUT THE WRITING OF THE SHOW! JUST ENJOY THIS FUCKIN' SHOW FOR WHAT IT IS!"
No, no, no--you misunderstand! You misunderstand! This isn't a rant! I'm not mad at all!
I'm happy!
This has got to be the quickest downfall to one of the most popular, most well-received TV series I have ever seen in my life, and now I get to die knowing I lived long enough to experience it! :D
Here's the thing: I loved the first two episodes of Season 8. I even loved "The Long Night," despite the sheer amount of complaints I've heard about how easily the Night King got dispatched. I understand many of these complaints, but I don't agree with them. I didn't start getting angry until Episode 4, when Rhaegal died pathetically because all of the heroes were apparently just being dumbasses, and apparently none of them were able to see Euron's fleet, and apparently Euron Greyjoy has the power to teleport. Like everyone else.
So I see this episode...and I watched as Tyrion snitches on Lord Varys--a character I thoroughly loved--and gets him killed. And then I see Dany on Drogon burning down the army of King's Landing. And then I see Dany deciding to just say "fuck it" and she starts slaughtering innocents in the middle of the street, setting them on fire with her dragon. And then I just...
I just...
I watched this dragon burning and destroying shit...
And I snapped. :D
I stopped caring. I stopped caring about these innocent people. I stopped caring about the heroes. I stopped caring about the villains.
I just said to myself "Wooooow, lookit how pretty those flames are! Look at everything burn down! Look at how this entire scene is a metaphor for this fuckin' show! We've reached the end and we've won, but instead, you chose to burn it all down anyway! This is fucking magnificent! "
This episode did have some genuine touching moments. Particularly the scene where Tyrion frees Jaime from the tent and they have a very, very emotional final talk.
"CLEGANEBOWL. GET HYPE!"
FUCK. YES.
Cleganebowl definitely delivered. Hot damn was that astounding to see. It ended the way I figured it would, with both brothers killing each other, but eh. Still pleasing to watch.
I was talking to
guderian and he summed up Jaime Lannister in a nutshell with this quote:
"lol oh here's a thought... 'In S1E1, Jaime Lannister pushes Bran Stark out of a window. This is subtle foreshadowing for S8E5, where eight seasons of Jaime's character development are similarly thrown out the window.'"
ISN'T THIS JUST THE MOST ACCURATE STATEMENT EVER?
Yes, Jaime. Yes. Go back to your cunt of a sister so you can die with her. After eight seasons of character development. And even after Cersei outright hired Bronn to go assassinate your ass to begin with. To be fair though, it was a tiny, tiny bit sad to see Cersei die the way that she did. I felt a small, small shred of pity for her.
Euron Greyjoy? Eh, whatever. He was always a character who was just there. I figured the dragon would do him in. Or Yara Greyjoy, which would've been more appropriate. But eh, whatever. DON'T CARE! :D
You people need to understand, I'm not bitching about the writing. ...Okay I am slightly, but lemme get to my point.
There is no one left to root for. At all. ANYWHERE.
The "heroic" characters, like Jon Snow, Sansa Stark, Tyrion Lannister, are all incompetent dumbasses and failures now. Even Arya Stark came all the way to King's Landing to kill Cersei, got talked out of it by Sandor Clegane, and then spent the episode running around the city trying not to get burned to death. Like...what the fuck? What happened to the pint-sized badass who struck down the fuckin' Night King?! You're telling me all it took was for Sandor to say a few pretty words to you and you just abandon your entire campaign to assassinate everyone on that list you made way back in Season 2?
The anti-heroes, like Jaime Lannister, Lord Varys, and Sandor Clegane are all officially dead now.
And all of the villains, like Euron Greyjoy and Cersei Lannister died pathetically. King Joffrey Baratheon and Ramsay Bolton's deaths were so goddamn cathartic--even Petyr "Littlefinger" Baelish's death had me laughing like a fool.
And Daenerys Targaryen has turned into the Mad Queen and roasted ten of thousands of innocents in the streets just to fuel her bloodlust!
Do you wanna know what the fucked up thing is here?
Dany's character this season, along with Theon's, are arguably the only ones that are at least consistent. It's rushed, but it kinda sorta makes sense why she snapped after all the shit she's been through. I saw it coming, but I didn't want it to happen. I wasn't even a fan of Dany after Season 5, but now that she's basically the new villain, I kind of like her character. Which is not something I should be saying, considering Dany is the "Breaker of Chains" who freed all those slaves. Now she's the Mad Queen who destroyed King's Landing and massacred thousands.
There's no one left!
THERE'S NO ONE LEFT TO ROOT FOR ON THIS FUCKING SHOW! IT IS FUCKING OUTSTANDING HOW QUICKLY WE'VE REACHED THIS POINT! :D
"Oh shut up. If they killed off everybody in the final episode, you'd cry like a little bitch."
No! No, I wouldn't!
I'd laugh! I would howl like a goddamn hyena! That's how bad this shit is! I'm not even mad or sad anymore! This is just fuckin' funny to me for all the wrong reasons!
Jesus Christ...Jesus Fucking Goddamn Christ.
We got one more y'all! One more episode of this beautiful trainwreck to go!
GET HYPE.
It happened.
Y'all...y'all. Y'all.
You all. All of you. It happened.
It fookin' happened.
I stopped caring about the characters in this franchise. :D
"OH SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'M SO SICK OF ALL THESE FUCKIN' RANTS ABOUT THE WRITING OF THE SHOW! JUST ENJOY THIS FUCKIN' SHOW FOR WHAT IT IS!"
No, no, no--you misunderstand! You misunderstand! This isn't a rant! I'm not mad at all!
I'm happy!
This has got to be the quickest downfall to one of the most popular, most well-received TV series I have ever seen in my life, and now I get to die knowing I lived long enough to experience it! :D
Here's the thing: I loved the first two episodes of Season 8. I even loved "The Long Night," despite the sheer amount of complaints I've heard about how easily the Night King got dispatched. I understand many of these complaints, but I don't agree with them. I didn't start getting angry until Episode 4, when Rhaegal died pathetically because all of the heroes were apparently just being dumbasses, and apparently none of them were able to see Euron's fleet, and apparently Euron Greyjoy has the power to teleport. Like everyone else.
So I see this episode...and I watched as Tyrion snitches on Lord Varys--a character I thoroughly loved--and gets him killed. And then I see Dany on Drogon burning down the army of King's Landing. And then I see Dany deciding to just say "fuck it" and she starts slaughtering innocents in the middle of the street, setting them on fire with her dragon. And then I just...
I just...
I watched this dragon burning and destroying shit...
And I snapped. :D
I stopped caring. I stopped caring about these innocent people. I stopped caring about the heroes. I stopped caring about the villains.
I just said to myself "Wooooow, lookit how pretty those flames are! Look at everything burn down! Look at how this entire scene is a metaphor for this fuckin' show! We've reached the end and we've won, but instead, you chose to burn it all down anyway! This is fucking magnificent! "
This episode did have some genuine touching moments. Particularly the scene where Tyrion frees Jaime from the tent and they have a very, very emotional final talk.
"CLEGANEBOWL. GET HYPE!"
FUCK. YES.
Cleganebowl definitely delivered. Hot damn was that astounding to see. It ended the way I figured it would, with both brothers killing each other, but eh. Still pleasing to watch.
I was talking to
guderian and he summed up Jaime Lannister in a nutshell with this quote:"lol oh here's a thought... 'In S1E1, Jaime Lannister pushes Bran Stark out of a window. This is subtle foreshadowing for S8E5, where eight seasons of Jaime's character development are similarly thrown out the window.'"
ISN'T THIS JUST THE MOST ACCURATE STATEMENT EVER?
Yes, Jaime. Yes. Go back to your cunt of a sister so you can die with her. After eight seasons of character development. And even after Cersei outright hired Bronn to go assassinate your ass to begin with. To be fair though, it was a tiny, tiny bit sad to see Cersei die the way that she did. I felt a small, small shred of pity for her.
Euron Greyjoy? Eh, whatever. He was always a character who was just there. I figured the dragon would do him in. Or Yara Greyjoy, which would've been more appropriate. But eh, whatever. DON'T CARE! :D
You people need to understand, I'm not bitching about the writing. ...Okay I am slightly, but lemme get to my point.
There is no one left to root for. At all. ANYWHERE.
The "heroic" characters, like Jon Snow, Sansa Stark, Tyrion Lannister, are all incompetent dumbasses and failures now. Even Arya Stark came all the way to King's Landing to kill Cersei, got talked out of it by Sandor Clegane, and then spent the episode running around the city trying not to get burned to death. Like...what the fuck? What happened to the pint-sized badass who struck down the fuckin' Night King?! You're telling me all it took was for Sandor to say a few pretty words to you and you just abandon your entire campaign to assassinate everyone on that list you made way back in Season 2?
The anti-heroes, like Jaime Lannister, Lord Varys, and Sandor Clegane are all officially dead now.
And all of the villains, like Euron Greyjoy and Cersei Lannister died pathetically. King Joffrey Baratheon and Ramsay Bolton's deaths were so goddamn cathartic--even Petyr "Littlefinger" Baelish's death had me laughing like a fool.
And Daenerys Targaryen has turned into the Mad Queen and roasted ten of thousands of innocents in the streets just to fuel her bloodlust!
Do you wanna know what the fucked up thing is here?
Dany's character this season, along with Theon's, are arguably the only ones that are at least consistent. It's rushed, but it kinda sorta makes sense why she snapped after all the shit she's been through. I saw it coming, but I didn't want it to happen. I wasn't even a fan of Dany after Season 5, but now that she's basically the new villain, I kind of like her character. Which is not something I should be saying, considering Dany is the "Breaker of Chains" who freed all those slaves. Now she's the Mad Queen who destroyed King's Landing and massacred thousands.
There's no one left!
THERE'S NO ONE LEFT TO ROOT FOR ON THIS FUCKING SHOW! IT IS FUCKING OUTSTANDING HOW QUICKLY WE'VE REACHED THIS POINT! :D
"Oh shut up. If they killed off everybody in the final episode, you'd cry like a little bitch."
No! No, I wouldn't!
I'd laugh! I would howl like a goddamn hyena! That's how bad this shit is! I'm not even mad or sad anymore! This is just fuckin' funny to me for all the wrong reasons!
Jesus Christ...Jesus Fucking Goddamn Christ.
We got one more y'all! One more episode of this beautiful trainwreck to go!
GET HYPE.
