Dad will not be leaving the hospital until tomorrow. Apparently he was in a delusional state last night, and pulling out his ivs and feeding tube. He's still a little loopy from what I saw from him today. He's rambling about stuff that didn't happen last night and refuses to entertain the idea that he was confused /delusional. Probably because he's still a bit confused. Well see how this turns out. ._.

Here's sort of a weird idea I had, but I thought I'd put it out there and offer it to you guys.

It's an 'art pass', if you will. Depending on what you pay, you get to commission all the arts you want from me within a certain span of time.

Pay $50 and you get whatever you want from me for the next month.

Pay $100 and you get those privileges for 3 months.

Pay $150 and you get those privileges for 6 months

Pay $250 and fuckit you get me the whole year. XD


Obviously this seems like it could be abused easily, but I will keep a 'status' next to your name on my journal footer to show whether or not you are able to request art from me at a certain time. Typically if I'm working on something of yours, making a request will be closed to you until I'm either finished with the piece or I'm far enough along that I'm comfortable taking another request from you.


Any takers on something like this?

I will be taking my dad to the hospital at UCSD, and who knows how long I'll be there. He's on chemotherapy and he's been vomiting and having bowel trouble constantly for the past week because of it. It's to the point where he's dangerously weak and dehydrated. Thanks for your understanding.

EDIT- I ended up having to leave him in the hospital for a couple of days. So that kinda frees me up again to work on stuff.

www.livestream.com/raptorscribbles

Working on commissions.

www.livestream.com/raptorscribbles

Speedpaints! I'd like to have at least five done by the end of the month. So I'm opening five slots for speedpaints. $15 dollars for a character, any pose, any point of view. For $20 you can get the speedpaint with a background (there's always some kind of abstract background by default. The extra charge is for if you want an actual setting drawn)

1.  aboxofdeth
2.  sammy.sam
3.
4.
5.

Also, if you are interested, be sure to let me know if you want the painting to look really jagged/rough, or if you want a softer look. If you have a certain color scheme in mind let me know about that as well.

Halp feed me. :D

I know this is a long shot, but would anyone be interested in buying graphite portraits? I would probably be able to ship them as well. I'm thinking something like $25 for a base price. Though perhaps I'll practice drawing animals in graphite, since this is a furry site. I can't imagine there being a lot of interest in human portraits. XD

So as my last journal implied, it was my birthday today. Unfortunately, my dad ended up... triggering me in a way. I had casually stated that some kind of new tech was cool and that I wanted it. I was just generally nerding over it because, hey, who wouldn't? Apparently this was not okay with my 'dad'. He said that it was crap and a waste of time, I answered that everything recreational is a waste of time to him, and he answered back that at my college that should be the last thing on my mind and that my priorities are messed up. I'm apparently not allowed to desire nice things because I'm not grown up.

Here's some backstory so that this will make more sense. Last year, I was at school in Pittsburgh, and I didn't do well. That would be an understatement. I did catastrophically horrible. I'm EXTREMELY ashamed of this fact. Even moreso because academic troubles are linked to my being trans and how very cloistered and embarrassed it caused me to be, along with making me not at all proactive about my issues because of the depression that accompanied that.

So, because I didn't do well, he keeps hounding me about school, even though I'm not even there right now. And therefore, I'm not allowed to even think about recreational stuff in his mind. Every time he reminds me about how terrible I did, I just get overwhelmed with guilt. Guilt because I'm wasting the $50k it takes to go to school there, and it feels like I'm fucking everyone over in my family. There's guilt because I'm not able to be honest about WHY I'm doing badly because I can't come out. And there's the sheer humiliation in admitting that I did so horribly and I feel like a completely incompetent idiot for it. And because of this, I just feel like I shouldn't even go back and bother getting a degree when my dad keeps reminding me about it, especially when I was hoping I would have a relatively nice day.

So now I'm just huddled up in my room with no desire to talk to anyone and beating myself up for being what I am. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I hate this pressure when I have to rely on parents for finances, and I feel like I'm squandering the resources from people that I don't want to be supporting me.

Just.. meh.

Looks like I'm 21. And I'm still in the same rut as always. Meh.

EDIT: Aaand of course dad manages to piss off everyone and ruin the night. Fuck this family.

www.livestream.com/raptorscribbles

nsfw for cawk

I wasn't aware that posting notices like that were against the AUP so it got deleted along with any record of the people that posted. :| You'd think if they had some common sense hey would have told me to remove it to allow me to gather the information first. So if you posted on the submission for the freebie repost here. Or even if you didn't post on the first thing.

www.livestream.com/raptorscribbles sfw

www.livestream.com/raptorscribbles (NSFW)

If for some reason the livestream isn't working, it's probably being a dick and I'll throw up a join.me link in a bit.


And thanks for the comments on my mopey journal a while back. I didn't respond because I'm bad at deciding what to say. But I appreciated it all nonetheless!

Fun thing about it is when you get home and blow your nose and the contents of your tissue are PITCH BLACK. Ew.

Considering posting charcoal stuff from class too. Although that seems very time consuming to upload that stuff. We'll see.

In class:

Teacher: Your first assignment will be a self portrait!

Me: "CRYING INSIDE*

I have to draw myself three times, oh boy. Ew.

This journal was kinda pointless, but hey.

Generally I'm just.. not in a good place right now. My mother is bearing down hard on me as far as my appearance. I'm trans, for those who don't know, and it's something that is literally fucking up every aspect of my life: the social, academic, and at home. At home, I just keep to myself, living a double life between how I act towards my parents and how I am online, which is sadly the only semblance of a life that I get. My mother has been getting increasingly suspicious that /something/ is wrong, and I was recently confronted with the questions of "are you a lesbian?", "why don't you dress like you're supposed to?", and best of all, "what did I do wrong?" And, as always, I have to adamantly deny everything and dodge every question that comes my way. She doesn't like the LGBT community, she still has that visceral 'ick' factor when she sees anyone gay. I can't even imagine how she would react to knowing that I'm trans.

My parents' attitude has kept me from branching out from anything else in my life. I can't make connections in school, and I dread going out to class and having to just smile and nod mindlessly at everyone because I don't want to greet them as something I'm not, so I avoid communication altogether. My grades have suffered hard for it, and I really am scared that I will ultimately fail at my education because of always hiding. I left high school with no lasting friends, I have none at the university, I only have about 2 friends from community college since I took a year off from uni, who know I'm trans, but still don't really act like it. Ultimately, I have no outlet, I stay at home all day when I don't have school and do absolutely nothing. Even online my social life suffers. I have been so conditioned to hiding that I never follow up with my acquaintances from online. I don't know /how/ to pursue a friendship or how to deepen a bond effectively. People just end up disappearing and I'm left wondering why I did nothing about it. I shouldn't have any excuse in this more accepting sphere.

And then there's the existential issue of time wasting away while I'm unable to transition. I want to transition /now/, not wait until I'm 30 when most of my young life is over. I can't run away, it's not financially feasible. I doubt being homeless would be more desirable than this, and I wouldn't be able to finish my education. And I can't tell my parents, they're so fucking bigoted that I can't even fathom the idea of telling them. And to make things more conflicted still, they really do care for me and love me, so something just feels wrong about the thought of leaving them, especially with my father's cancer not going away. I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do, but whatever's going on now isn't working.

Not the most uplifting read, I know.

I'm on Maguuma because we rock dat World vs World. :D

But yeah, I wanna know where you guys are if you have the game.

So I came home from school to find that my computer said "no boot device available'. I did a hard reset and the computer was able to start up normally, but now things are a bit sluggish. There is a LOT of latency that keeps occurring with the keyboard and mouse. Anyone know if this is a precursor to something worse or what the problem is?

www.livestream.com/raptorscribbles

EDIT: I will be streaming, but it looks like procaster updated and broke the chat on my end. So while you can watch, I can't talk. @@ Unless I go to my own livestream. Lulz.

I bought it, and I'm currently waiting for it to download. Any suggestions for servers? How's the community/are some servers more friendly than others?

It's a pretty neat game. Anyone else play it? (It's free to play)

mars-one.com/en/ this is a totally real thing and djsjsjbssja I DON'T EVEN

Just putting this out there- this has been pretty useful for me over the past week, and I'm sure it'd be good for others to take a look at for that are doing the "Loomis" method for drawing heads. Although Loomis' book is out there for free, seeing it in action and in motion is nice. At least I felt it was more helpful that way for me. So check this guys channel out, lotsa anatomy goodness too:

https://www.youtube.com/user/ProkoTV?feature=watch

And someone made a nice 3-D model of the sliced 'sphere' that you use with the Loomis method that you can manipulate.

http://3dfile.io/7T8XtM#file-1

Enjoy!

Yep.

So scary, amirte?

www.livestream.com/raptorscribbles

SFW and very much in the holiday spirit!