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Signal Boost: my dear bunny friend Kumiko
Posted 4 months agohttps://www.furaffinity.net/journal/11158779/
Please help her and her young children so they can get rent and not get kicked out of their home, send this signal to whomever you can
Please help her and her young children so they can get rent and not get kicked out of their home, send this signal to whomever you can
My car got vandalized and totaled
Posted 2 years agoOn Friday, I got into my vehicle to attempt to drive somewhere. A loud noise rumbled underneath my vehicle, and I immediately turned off the engine. Popped the hood, noticed nothing at first. Tried to turn the car on again, and it roared like it was a supercharger -- it's not.
Called in to have my vehicle be towed and serviced at the dealership. I was able to move the car out of its parking spot to a location where a tow truck can more easily hitch it. As I headed back to my home in order to call in the service, I spotted, at the parking spot where the vehicle used to be, a bunch of loose car parts on the pavement. Thinking that perhaps that's what the problem was, I started collecting those pieces so the mechanics could put things pack together again.
And then I found a piece of hosing, likely used as a fluid line. That was cut.
Somebody vandalized my car.
I called in the tow service, and expressed my concern about there possibly being damaged or missing parts. I described the symptoms, and the mechanic on the other end said "it sounds like the catalytic converter may be missing".
I went to my apartment management to tell them there might be a carjacker or parts thief on the property. They said they'd file an incident report. One of the workers there asked what the car was acting like, and I told them. "Sounds like they might've taken the catalytic converter" was the response.
Called the dealership to update them on the information I had received. At first they said that it couldn't get serviced until May 1st, but when I told them I suspected foul play, they said they'd look at it immediately. I explained to the agent what happened, and they said "yeah, it may have been a problem with the catalytic converter".
Called my insurance agent to file a claim. I know that I cannot afford something as big as a catalytic converter replacement, so I wanted to know how much insurance could cover me. They asked me what the car was doing, I told them. Three guesses as to what their conclusion.
As it was Friday afternoon by the time the car got to the shop, they told me that the soonest they'd have an update for me would be Monday morning, at the earliest.
This Monday morning, I finally get the results of the diagnostic. It's worse than I thought.
- Catalytic converter, 100% missing.
- Exhaust pipe, 100% missing.
- One exhaust oxygen sensor, missing.
- Water pump, needs replacement due to coolant stains, indicating a leak somewhere.
The cost to replace all of these parts are greater than the value of the car. And until these parts are replaced, the vehicle is no longer safe to drive.
So my car got totaled.
I have to start hunting for a replacement, hopefully finance one I can pay off over time. And I have no money *now*, I have to wait probably a month in order to have a somewhat decent enough number in my bank account.
I'm so angry.
Called in to have my vehicle be towed and serviced at the dealership. I was able to move the car out of its parking spot to a location where a tow truck can more easily hitch it. As I headed back to my home in order to call in the service, I spotted, at the parking spot where the vehicle used to be, a bunch of loose car parts on the pavement. Thinking that perhaps that's what the problem was, I started collecting those pieces so the mechanics could put things pack together again.
And then I found a piece of hosing, likely used as a fluid line. That was cut.
Somebody vandalized my car.
I called in the tow service, and expressed my concern about there possibly being damaged or missing parts. I described the symptoms, and the mechanic on the other end said "it sounds like the catalytic converter may be missing".
I went to my apartment management to tell them there might be a carjacker or parts thief on the property. They said they'd file an incident report. One of the workers there asked what the car was acting like, and I told them. "Sounds like they might've taken the catalytic converter" was the response.
Called the dealership to update them on the information I had received. At first they said that it couldn't get serviced until May 1st, but when I told them I suspected foul play, they said they'd look at it immediately. I explained to the agent what happened, and they said "yeah, it may have been a problem with the catalytic converter".
Called my insurance agent to file a claim. I know that I cannot afford something as big as a catalytic converter replacement, so I wanted to know how much insurance could cover me. They asked me what the car was doing, I told them. Three guesses as to what their conclusion.
As it was Friday afternoon by the time the car got to the shop, they told me that the soonest they'd have an update for me would be Monday morning, at the earliest.
This Monday morning, I finally get the results of the diagnostic. It's worse than I thought.
- Catalytic converter, 100% missing.
- Exhaust pipe, 100% missing.
- One exhaust oxygen sensor, missing.
- Water pump, needs replacement due to coolant stains, indicating a leak somewhere.
The cost to replace all of these parts are greater than the value of the car. And until these parts are replaced, the vehicle is no longer safe to drive.
So my car got totaled.
I have to start hunting for a replacement, hopefully finance one I can pay off over time. And I have no money *now*, I have to wait probably a month in order to have a somewhat decent enough number in my bank account.
I'm so angry.
End of 2022
Posted 3 years agoMay you all have enjoyable holidays
Signal Boost: Kobold Artist!
Posted 3 years agoA friend here on FA is now leaning into income via art. If you really like kobolds, I urge you to check out their art, their gallery, their adopts, etc! I've also adopted a kobold from them, a real cutie >w<
FA: https://www.furaffinity.net/user/sq.....blodecomplash/
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10403255
Please give them a look and help!
FA: https://www.furaffinity.net/user/sq.....blodecomplash/
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10403255
Please give them a look and help!
Free
Posted 3 years agoMy alimony payments are over. I am finally free!
[Signal Boost] JaneSheep and hubby
Posted 3 years agoRelevant Tweet
JaneSheep recently had her wrist sprained, making it hard for her to do any of her art commissions. On top of that, her husband was diagnosed with bone cancer, making it hard for them both to get by as he's not working.
Please, if you feel able to help, donate to the GoFundMe link in the Tweet above. If not, please pass along the link so others can see and help. Any little bit helps.
JaneSheep recently had her wrist sprained, making it hard for her to do any of her art commissions. On top of that, her husband was diagnosed with bone cancer, making it hard for them both to get by as he's not working.
Please, if you feel able to help, donate to the GoFundMe link in the Tweet above. If not, please pass along the link so others can see and help. Any little bit helps.
32 spins around the sun
Posted 4 years agoIt feels weird. Part of me feels I'm not supposed to make it a 33rd time. Part of me feels buzzed about seeing what life will be like.
Anyways, birthday lizard will celebrate with a little peach pie and baked potato (with candle) today. :3
Anyways, birthday lizard will celebrate with a little peach pie and baked potato (with candle) today. :3
Singles' Awareness during Holidays
Posted 4 years agoFor y'all who are fortunate enough to not be alone this holiday season
congrats.
congrats.
She's at it again!!!
Posted 4 years agoWowee, long time no see, folks! Back at it again with another, new episode of "I Thought Things Would Be Better After This Divorce!"
We start things of with an email from my lawyer this afternoon. That bitch ex of mine has sent him an email asking for the rest of the payment she's owed, in a single check as soon as possible!
First of all, what a tone-deaf, vile woman, who likely hasn't looked outside and seen the way the world has turned upside down and how things are financially hard for everyone, especially to workers with obligated payments towards third parties (such as alimony!). And then she has the audacity to ask for more?! Bitch, where do you think the money is coming from, that I can just send more?!
...
After calming down a bit from writing the above, I have some more oxygen in my lungs and my brain, so I can elaborate exactly on what's been going on. Here are the brass tacks and specifics:
When she and I were talking about alimony settlement, I offered $700 a month for a while. I was told I owed zero amount, but I wanted to be the good guy and I offered what I thought was a modest amount. $700 a month to live in California, is not a whole lot. Not my problem, it'd be hers. She wanted to take all my money in the first place and use it to move out to be with her lover at the time, so I figured a substantial number would show off my good faith and yet be low enough to keep her from just getting away with everything. Can't exactly pay for medical stuff (which she's faking) and international travel to go screw every guy she wanted, plus having a place to live and also food in the pantry, plus money to pursue hobbies, etc etc etc. I figured $700 was enough.
She then pleaded for $750 instead, as it would be a "rounder number" to manage bills and stuff with. A $50 increase seemed, to me, like not a big deal, so I accepted and the contract was signed like that.
Well, except for a few facts.
We had converted the liquid equivalent of joint assets together in order to split things down the middle (she wouldn't play nicely otherwise) and half of that amount that wasn't divisible is owed to her as part of the divorce contract, totaling (rounded) $6000 extra to eventually be paid to her. We had agreed that payments can continue if that amount has not been paid by the ending date of the scheduled $750 /month payments. Meaning, basically, that once that base $750/mo part of the contract has run its course, I'd still have to pay $750/month in order to pay off that $6000. (For you mathematicians out there, that's an extra 8 months of payments, which would mean I'd be done by July 2022.)
Again, $750/month in California, while also reportedly in a handicapped state preventing her from working a full-time job (since that was her excuse back when we were married),
The regular payments have just been completed as of today, November 1st, 2021, meaning that starting next month I can start working on paying off that $6000.
Problem: she wants it all in one check. Now.
After some back-and-forth with my lawyer, they managed to talk her into accepting a payment plan. But then she turns around with this (emphasis added):
"Actually, while I'm grateful for the very generous amount of $750 a month, it has caused a couple of problems for me. Currently I'm dependent on [government program] for food stamps, and part of the qualifications for it have been my reporting of these alimony payments, along with the contractual divorce decree as evidence, as well as any deposits or transfers into my bank account. The problem is, the amount of $750 a month, disqualifies me from both getting further aid or a part-time job to supplement my income. So I propose that, instead, an amount like [we eventually agreed upon $600] a month is doable, to unlock those hindrances for me."
In addition, she adds: "I know that this means I'll be tied to [Rev's] income for a little while longer than expected, but right now my hands are tied in what I can do."
... BITCH!
First of all, she lives with her parents so she's living rent-free. I'm not!
Secondly, she DOES have a job. With her parents, at their shop!
Thirdly, she specifically worded that what is being tracked is what is being deposited into her bank account... but not any cash she might receive! I know she is being paid on the side by guys she's entertaining, the whore!
So ARGHGHGHGH I have to apparently keep paying her until partway into October next year, instead of July. The nightmare goes on!
Thing is also, I'm scared about opening the door to her, finally, for getting more income. More money in her pocket she could use to make trouble for me or my folks. Or, to support her idiot abusive brother in his bid to wrest custody from his ex for the kids, my nieces and nephews. Ain't no way I want to support that, but right now she can dictate the terms of the $6000 payment deal, so I have no choice but to accept it.
I hate this so much.
And all of this... ALL OF THIS, is dependent on her not changing her mind from one day to the next and asking for all the money right now. Because I don't have $6000 to spare to send to her, plainly and simply.
I want to melt away. Why can't the nightmare end?!
Update from the next morning:
Email from her to my lawyer: "Turns out that even $600 / month is too much for me to qualify for part-time work. I really need to work so I can get back to school and get stable housing. Unfortunately, the government programs I'm looking into, count any spousal support as income, and nobody will hire me for 40-50 hours a month. Plus, I don't qualify for disability."
(Serves her right!!!)
"So would it be possible to have the payment sent into my dad's account instead, so it can be used to pay for my housing?"
... CUNT!
Update from the next day:
Lawyer was able to secure a good deal for me: if she wants so badly for the deposit to be in another account, then there's technically no requirement for me to adhere to a lower amount than what I'm usually paying, yeah? So $750 / month is it, and I'll be done with the last payment in July of 2022. She had no choice but to agree to it.
With all of that... I now have to pay, on top of the $750 a month this 1st of December coming up, a $640 check to my lawyer due 18th November. Because the bitch decided to complain. Oh joy... I love having to reduce my payments and minimize on food consumption, for the sake of bills...
We start things of with an email from my lawyer this afternoon. That bitch ex of mine has sent him an email asking for the rest of the payment she's owed, in a single check as soon as possible!
First of all, what a tone-deaf, vile woman, who likely hasn't looked outside and seen the way the world has turned upside down and how things are financially hard for everyone, especially to workers with obligated payments towards third parties (such as alimony!). And then she has the audacity to ask for more?! Bitch, where do you think the money is coming from, that I can just send more?!
...
After calming down a bit from writing the above, I have some more oxygen in my lungs and my brain, so I can elaborate exactly on what's been going on. Here are the brass tacks and specifics:
When she and I were talking about alimony settlement, I offered $700 a month for a while. I was told I owed zero amount, but I wanted to be the good guy and I offered what I thought was a modest amount. $700 a month to live in California, is not a whole lot. Not my problem, it'd be hers. She wanted to take all my money in the first place and use it to move out to be with her lover at the time, so I figured a substantial number would show off my good faith and yet be low enough to keep her from just getting away with everything. Can't exactly pay for medical stuff (which she's faking) and international travel to go screw every guy she wanted, plus having a place to live and also food in the pantry, plus money to pursue hobbies, etc etc etc. I figured $700 was enough.
She then pleaded for $750 instead, as it would be a "rounder number" to manage bills and stuff with. A $50 increase seemed, to me, like not a big deal, so I accepted and the contract was signed like that.
Well, except for a few facts.
We had converted the liquid equivalent of joint assets together in order to split things down the middle (she wouldn't play nicely otherwise) and half of that amount that wasn't divisible is owed to her as part of the divorce contract, totaling (rounded) $6000 extra to eventually be paid to her. We had agreed that payments can continue if that amount has not been paid by the ending date of the scheduled $750 /month payments. Meaning, basically, that once that base $750/mo part of the contract has run its course, I'd still have to pay $750/month in order to pay off that $6000. (For you mathematicians out there, that's an extra 8 months of payments, which would mean I'd be done by July 2022.)
Again, $750/month in California, while also reportedly in a handicapped state preventing her from working a full-time job (since that was her excuse back when we were married),
The regular payments have just been completed as of today, November 1st, 2021, meaning that starting next month I can start working on paying off that $6000.
Problem: she wants it all in one check. Now.
After some back-and-forth with my lawyer, they managed to talk her into accepting a payment plan. But then she turns around with this (emphasis added):
"Actually, while I'm grateful for the very generous amount of $750 a month, it has caused a couple of problems for me. Currently I'm dependent on [government program] for food stamps, and part of the qualifications for it have been my reporting of these alimony payments, along with the contractual divorce decree as evidence, as well as any deposits or transfers into my bank account. The problem is, the amount of $750 a month, disqualifies me from both getting further aid or a part-time job to supplement my income. So I propose that, instead, an amount like [we eventually agreed upon $600] a month is doable, to unlock those hindrances for me."
In addition, she adds: "I know that this means I'll be tied to [Rev's] income for a little while longer than expected, but right now my hands are tied in what I can do."
... BITCH!
First of all, she lives with her parents so she's living rent-free. I'm not!
Secondly, she DOES have a job. With her parents, at their shop!
Thirdly, she specifically worded that what is being tracked is what is being deposited into her bank account... but not any cash she might receive! I know she is being paid on the side by guys she's entertaining, the whore!
So ARGHGHGHGH I have to apparently keep paying her until partway into October next year, instead of July. The nightmare goes on!
Thing is also, I'm scared about opening the door to her, finally, for getting more income. More money in her pocket she could use to make trouble for me or my folks. Or, to support her idiot abusive brother in his bid to wrest custody from his ex for the kids, my nieces and nephews. Ain't no way I want to support that, but right now she can dictate the terms of the $6000 payment deal, so I have no choice but to accept it.
I hate this so much.
And all of this... ALL OF THIS, is dependent on her not changing her mind from one day to the next and asking for all the money right now. Because I don't have $6000 to spare to send to her, plainly and simply.
I want to melt away. Why can't the nightmare end?!
Update from the next morning:
Email from her to my lawyer: "Turns out that even $600 / month is too much for me to qualify for part-time work. I really need to work so I can get back to school and get stable housing. Unfortunately, the government programs I'm looking into, count any spousal support as income, and nobody will hire me for 40-50 hours a month. Plus, I don't qualify for disability."
(Serves her right!!!)
"So would it be possible to have the payment sent into my dad's account instead, so it can be used to pay for my housing?"
... CUNT!
Update from the next day:
Lawyer was able to secure a good deal for me: if she wants so badly for the deposit to be in another account, then there's technically no requirement for me to adhere to a lower amount than what I'm usually paying, yeah? So $750 / month is it, and I'll be done with the last payment in July of 2022. She had no choice but to agree to it.
With all of that... I now have to pay, on top of the $750 a month this 1st of December coming up, a $640 check to my lawyer due 18th November. Because the bitch decided to complain. Oh joy... I love having to reduce my payments and minimize on food consumption, for the sake of bills...
Raffle by Furrtopia
Posted 4 years agoFurrtopia is holding a free art raffle, check it out here:
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9894876/
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9894876/
Signal Boost for Ivanks
Posted 4 years agohttps://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9871865/
He makes good transformation comics, please take some time to support him!
He makes good transformation comics, please take some time to support him!
Really?
Posted 4 years agoI really have 139 people watching me, and only, like, 12 of you have said anything on my submissions?
What am I doing wrong?
What am I doing wrong?
Possible comms
Posted 5 years agoBeen thinking about it, and I might open up some comms in the realm of making Sonic OC ref sheets for people. That is, if anybody's interested.
The ref sheet would include a front, side, and back pose, plus any necessary zoom-in details like for hands or important features. Would also include a palette and a short bio. Prices would be negotiable based on level of difficulty / detail in the character.
I dunno, would anybody want to see this available? Anybody who feels I shouldn't get into the business? Please feel free and speak up :3
The ref sheet would include a front, side, and back pose, plus any necessary zoom-in details like for hands or important features. Would also include a palette and a short bio. Prices would be negotiable based on level of difficulty / detail in the character.
I dunno, would anybody want to see this available? Anybody who feels I shouldn't get into the business? Please feel free and speak up :3
Rage
Posted 5 years agoWhen the A/C breaks so it gets so hot the phone overheats and shuts down... and your temper flares as a result; and you have to wait for the apartment office to open so they can process your service request to fix the A/C, and then wait even MORE time for them to successfully send a technician to actually address it...
"Rage" doesn't begin to cover things.
"Rage" doesn't begin to cover things.
Y'all noticed?
Posted 5 years agoSo yeah, recently some things happened that... got me off my ass and I decided to upload some pics of my characters I've been sitting on. This is probably going to be the only large submission bomb I'll ever have, as from this point forward, if anything, I'll be posting pics maybe more often, therefore with less of a backlog.
Right now I have two more pictures that I am contemplating uploading, either at full quality or with some JPEGing or corruption so they aren't just going to be used by others. What should I do?
I might upload some others besides these two, not sure. A chunk of my art is on Inkbunny, however. Links in my profile page.
Stay sexy!
Right now I have two more pictures that I am contemplating uploading, either at full quality or with some JPEGing or corruption so they aren't just going to be used by others. What should I do?
I might upload some others besides these two, not sure. A chunk of my art is on Inkbunny, however. Links in my profile page.
Stay sexy!
To my art streaming friends
Posted 5 years agoTo any friends, followers, etc. who use Picarto, specifically,
I'm sorry. After a number of weeks going back and forth with Picarto about some inconsistencies with their recent changes and connections to my region, my ISP, my browser, etc., it seems that they are unable to find out why I specifically am getting such terrible socket connections and incredible (that is, upwards of 30 seconds and sometimes even as bad as a full 2 minutes) delay with the video and audio data. Worse when in multistreams.
The only things theyconclude after all of this is that there's something wrong specifically with my account on Picarto, that is causing some sort of bandwidth throttling. As somebody who works with clientside content, this makes me scratch my head, because this implies that somebody moderating my account has flagged me for something. Which... makes no sense, since I don't stream, and I figure I would've been notified if I had violated some rules or terms of service for the platform. But the Picarto techs don't have any such flags on file for me. Which only makes me more confused.
In any case, the headache has gotten so massive, since the problem has not been resolved, that I am axing my Picarto account, so I'll no longer be logging in to watch any Picarto streams. I'm sorry if this is a problem, but there was literally nothing that I could do to fix my connection issues, and there didn't seem to be anything that Picarto could do on their end to find out why it was happening in the first place.
I'm sorry. After a number of weeks going back and forth with Picarto about some inconsistencies with their recent changes and connections to my region, my ISP, my browser, etc., it seems that they are unable to find out why I specifically am getting such terrible socket connections and incredible (that is, upwards of 30 seconds and sometimes even as bad as a full 2 minutes) delay with the video and audio data. Worse when in multistreams.
The only things theyconclude after all of this is that there's something wrong specifically with my account on Picarto, that is causing some sort of bandwidth throttling. As somebody who works with clientside content, this makes me scratch my head, because this implies that somebody moderating my account has flagged me for something. Which... makes no sense, since I don't stream, and I figure I would've been notified if I had violated some rules or terms of service for the platform. But the Picarto techs don't have any such flags on file for me. Which only makes me more confused.
In any case, the headache has gotten so massive, since the problem has not been resolved, that I am axing my Picarto account, so I'll no longer be logging in to watch any Picarto streams. I'm sorry if this is a problem, but there was literally nothing that I could do to fix my connection issues, and there didn't seem to be anything that Picarto could do on their end to find out why it was happening in the first place.
[UPDATED] Not my fault
Posted 5 years agoManifesto updated : https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8630983/
I was drugged and I only just found proof...
UPDATE: Lawyer says that 1. it was so long ago, the drugs might very well be out of my system by now, so I should consult with a doctor about possible long-term health effects. 2. If I can somehow produce proof that she didn't obtain this drug from a prescription (how can I produce that proof?), then that would be something possibly actionable, but again, it was a long time ago. 3. Even then, there's no way to prove that she snuck the drugs into my system somehow, short of her going on record and confessing. Which... is pretty much 0% chance.
I'm losing my mind...
I was drugged and I only just found proof...
UPDATE: Lawyer says that 1. it was so long ago, the drugs might very well be out of my system by now, so I should consult with a doctor about possible long-term health effects. 2. If I can somehow produce proof that she didn't obtain this drug from a prescription (how can I produce that proof?), then that would be something possibly actionable, but again, it was a long time ago. 3. Even then, there's no way to prove that she snuck the drugs into my system somehow, short of her going on record and confessing. Which... is pretty much 0% chance.
I'm losing my mind...
Manifesto updated
Posted 5 years agoEncouragement
Posted 5 years agoIt's so incredibly important to have someone or some people near you or with you, to encourage you. Note that I do not mean "always tell you that you're right or that you're perfect" because no growth can come from that. I mean people who will appreciate the art and stuff that you create, whether they be drawings, stories, music, sculptures, etc.
Recently I have been stuck in a rut of focusing so much on work to make ends meet, that I've had little time for creating something myself. And when I do have the time, I lack the inspiration. But when I do have the inspiration, I get in such a state that I make and make and make and pour my heart and soul into that creation, because I want to see it gain life.
But there's a problem.
Lack of encouragement.
When an obstacle comes, whether it be difficulty with anatomy or vocabulary, or some art block or something, it's good to have some people around to bounce ideas off of. I've been that person for a few of my friends, and have been happy to watch them develop their ideas and generate something new and big and exciting out of it. I don't say this to seek glory or something, I'm just glad I was able to help someone else grow and gain a bit of attention from it.
But when that help doesn't come, or only trickles in, then it gets really hard to find the motivation to continue creating. And then the desire to create dies altogether.
It's also natural to both want to fit in with a group, and stand out by your own merits. To create something everyone can enjoy, and yet to create something unique.
It's why I haven't been making any new drawings lately. It's also why I've halted progress on that story I wanted to write. Lack of feedback from friends and also the issue of running into the realization that I was trying to make something so many countless others have already done. And little or nothing for the few things I've already been making. How exactly should I improve or try something new if I don't get enough people looking at my stuff?
And then some of the things I do make, just as experiments, get a lot of attention. Some things that I don't want to be known for. Some things that I feel that more people would rather see, but I don't want to keep making because it's... not something I feel comfortable with (content wise, not skill wise).
It doesn't help that it feels like everyone else is so distant and so busy with the crap happening in their own lives. I'm not asking for people to devote their lives to me, or become simps for me -- geez, I couldn't take that at all. But man, you never know what hell somebody is going through if you don't talk to them, right?
(Unless y'all figured out how to read minds from over the internet. In which case, please let me know how I can learn this power.)
In any case, I feel like shutting down my creative workshop for a while. I have no idea what, if anything, I want to make anymore. But I want to keep supporting the creative works of my friends. Sometimes that's expensive to do, but... Life's something else, ain't it?
Eh, to the 5 people who read this far into my journals, you're awesome. Keep being amazing.
Recently I have been stuck in a rut of focusing so much on work to make ends meet, that I've had little time for creating something myself. And when I do have the time, I lack the inspiration. But when I do have the inspiration, I get in such a state that I make and make and make and pour my heart and soul into that creation, because I want to see it gain life.
But there's a problem.
Lack of encouragement.
When an obstacle comes, whether it be difficulty with anatomy or vocabulary, or some art block or something, it's good to have some people around to bounce ideas off of. I've been that person for a few of my friends, and have been happy to watch them develop their ideas and generate something new and big and exciting out of it. I don't say this to seek glory or something, I'm just glad I was able to help someone else grow and gain a bit of attention from it.
But when that help doesn't come, or only trickles in, then it gets really hard to find the motivation to continue creating. And then the desire to create dies altogether.
It's also natural to both want to fit in with a group, and stand out by your own merits. To create something everyone can enjoy, and yet to create something unique.
It's why I haven't been making any new drawings lately. It's also why I've halted progress on that story I wanted to write. Lack of feedback from friends and also the issue of running into the realization that I was trying to make something so many countless others have already done. And little or nothing for the few things I've already been making. How exactly should I improve or try something new if I don't get enough people looking at my stuff?
And then some of the things I do make, just as experiments, get a lot of attention. Some things that I don't want to be known for. Some things that I feel that more people would rather see, but I don't want to keep making because it's... not something I feel comfortable with (content wise, not skill wise).
It doesn't help that it feels like everyone else is so distant and so busy with the crap happening in their own lives. I'm not asking for people to devote their lives to me, or become simps for me -- geez, I couldn't take that at all. But man, you never know what hell somebody is going through if you don't talk to them, right?
(Unless y'all figured out how to read minds from over the internet. In which case, please let me know how I can learn this power.)
In any case, I feel like shutting down my creative workshop for a while. I have no idea what, if anything, I want to make anymore. But I want to keep supporting the creative works of my friends. Sometimes that's expensive to do, but... Life's something else, ain't it?
Eh, to the 5 people who read this far into my journals, you're awesome. Keep being amazing.
Regrets
Posted 5 years agoYou ever make a drawing or something, then post it to your account, only to look back at it and regret having done so?
I got rid of one of my submissions because ... it felt self-humiliating, and I didn't like it. Plus, it was my most popular (by Faves) submission, but that just made it seem like the rest of my stuff isn't good enough. I don't want to a slave to the masses. I want to do things I like to do.
So... I got rid of all trace of the drawing that I have. It won't come back.
I got rid of one of my submissions because ... it felt self-humiliating, and I didn't like it. Plus, it was my most popular (by Faves) submission, but that just made it seem like the rest of my stuff isn't good enough. I don't want to a slave to the masses. I want to do things I like to do.
So... I got rid of all trace of the drawing that I have. It won't come back.
Happy mothers' day
Posted 5 years agoHug a happy mama today
Internal Clash
Posted 5 years agoShould I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go, there will be trouble
And if I stay it will be double
So come on and let me know...
I've given thought about my online presence, and everything that's been happening over the past little while. I feel like my main problem is in my social media connections replacing or counterfeiting real relationships and connections. (Funny to mention, given the current crisis, yeah?)
Thing is, I also have tons of things I'm dealing with that aren't related to this quarantine crisis at all. Ultimately, everything and everyone seems to have some sort of "mental cost" to me.
I guess I can explain it like so: my mind and my heart are like an apartment complex, but I'm the manager. Sometimes I make good business decisions, sometimes less-wise ones. Yes, sometimes I panic-buy, sometimes I make spur-of-the-moment deals. But everyone and everything in my life takes up room in my mental apartments.
The thing is, some of those rooms generate positivity for me, and so I invest in those things or people. Sometimes not expecting much in return, but I do get surprised by a few gifts every now and again. Sometimes though, some people feel like they own the place and trash my property. Sadly, those kind of people exist.
As manager of my mental apartment, I've put off spring cleaning for far too long. I feel like it's time to do some heavy cleaning, but I also acknowledge that it'll take some energy and some mental fortitude to have to tell some friends that I'm kicking them out of my mental apartment unless they pay me rent.
Ah yes, what is rent in this analogy, you may ask.
To me, to occupy a room in my mental apartment... rent is positivity. It's understanding. It's respect. And it's mutual - I provide services and perks at my discretion (as manager of my own mental apartment) and whether my mental budget can allow for such perks. But I can also withhold if I'm not treated like an individual person with my own individual opinions, idiosyncrasies, mistakes, faults, shortcomings, etc. I'm not available 100% of the time - The front office is closed sometimes for maintenance and mental wellness seminars.
One of those weaknesses, I'll admit, is a hesitancy to tell someone they're being disrespectful or toxic to me.
I get that people have their own experiences in life that have directed them to their own personal opinions on how life works, but so have I. You don't get to invalidate anybody else's opinion or experience just because yours is different. Or, put another way... if you have that right, then so do I. You're not special in that regard. You don't get a free pass, not unless there's some authority you hold that says you can but the rest of us can't. (If you claim to have such authority, then you better believe I'll ask for proof of such authority. Oh, are you a medical professional? Okay then, [citation needed] please!)
And likewise, if I dislike something, then you better believe I have a right, if a means to communicate it exists (comments on an art post, for example), to say so. And so do you! Everybody does! It's called "freedom of expression" and it's not limited to artists being able to draw or make what they want (even if it's utter crap <-- EXAMPLE!). But in my mental apartment, I reserve the right to kick out anything I dislike, or want to, if I feel that it's an unacceptable detriment to the state of the apartment complex.
Which is why I had disabled and downsized my presence on social media and sites like Discord, FurAffinity, and Inkbunny. As much as I like so much of the art and interactions on those sites/services, I have to admit that a negative influence built up inside of me with relations to the art capabilities ("Damn I wish I could have more time to draw so I could work my way to drawing that well") or characters ("Damn I wish I had the money and means to commission art of that artist of my character with that character"), artists themselves ("Damn I wish this person were open for commissions so I could support them") or situations ("Damn I wish this person had open commission slots because I love their art style")... But often I get hung up on some financial struggle or five that I have to pay off first, but as soon as I do buy something for myself something bad happens and I need to stop and save up money to pay that off... OR I get told "your character is too complex, I won't draw it"... (like, what, you're not going to charge me extra? Not going to try to stretch your capabilities a little, to take on a challenge and possibly better yourself as an artist? fine, I guess I'll go... elsewhere) ... OR I am given promises and they never come to fruition (I'll admit I've had to cancel on projects, but geez at the very least I'll tell someone if I no longer feel I can do it! instead of just saying "oh yeah it'll be done in a few days!" and then it never happens) ...
That's all just talking about art.
Now, interpersonal interactions... I am no certified psychologist or expert, but I'll bend my ear to hear you if you need to vent. Moreso if you're a friend of mine and I care about you. But... if I do have a mental issue because something you say or do affects me, or brings up something I'm struggling to clean out of my mental apartment... Guess what? Unless you knew about it, unless I told you about it... IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT that something said or done brought those memories back! I have actual panic attacks for some things that I'm still working through, but that doesn't mean you're to blame for triggering such!
Unless, of course, you did know, and purposefully brought it up.
In which case, I'll immediately ask you to leave my mental apartment.
Now, this extends to things brought up in discussions, artwork, roleplay sessions, lifestyles, etc. I have to distract myself sometimes from the negativities of life, much like everyone else. But could we please agree that the positivity (or at least, the neutrality) needs to be mutually agreed upon? If you want to flaunt your relationship status at me, knowing that a specific kind of teasing is just going to get on my nerves, or make me jealous, or make me angry, then don't even bother. Just check yourself out of my mental apartment. Just do me that favor! If you want to roleplay some erotic situation involving... I dunno... pregnant lesbians or something? then you better ask me if I'm in the mood for it. I might be struggling with something you might not know about. Be courteous, alright? Is that too much to ask?
In any case, I'm going to be cleaning up some stuff in my online profiles. This means possibly removing myself from some watch lists, Discord servers, and platforms altogether. It can also mean removing some people from my friends lists, since I honestly want to downsize my mental apartment sizes anyway so I can build some mental gardens and cultivate some inner peace
Don't forget, though, that I do offer mental timeshares also. Things happen, and sometimes you want to take a break from things. And that's okay. I totally understand. Just be sure to reapply at the front office when you want to check back in, and I'll see about how much room I have.
If anybody reading this recognizes me from a community I was once part of, please feel free to share this journal link with that community. If there's somebody out there who can use the words, language, or analogy of the mental apartment to visualize, articulate, and explain their own circumstance to people mentally bullying them, then I would feel at peace knowing I helped someone somewhere. And if nobody else gets helped by this... well, at least I'll feel better knowing I was able to express myself as best as I could. So now, you gotta let me know...
Should I say or should I go?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go, there will be trouble
And if I stay it will be double
So come on and let me know...
I've given thought about my online presence, and everything that's been happening over the past little while. I feel like my main problem is in my social media connections replacing or counterfeiting real relationships and connections. (Funny to mention, given the current crisis, yeah?)
Thing is, I also have tons of things I'm dealing with that aren't related to this quarantine crisis at all. Ultimately, everything and everyone seems to have some sort of "mental cost" to me.
I guess I can explain it like so: my mind and my heart are like an apartment complex, but I'm the manager. Sometimes I make good business decisions, sometimes less-wise ones. Yes, sometimes I panic-buy, sometimes I make spur-of-the-moment deals. But everyone and everything in my life takes up room in my mental apartments.
The thing is, some of those rooms generate positivity for me, and so I invest in those things or people. Sometimes not expecting much in return, but I do get surprised by a few gifts every now and again. Sometimes though, some people feel like they own the place and trash my property. Sadly, those kind of people exist.
As manager of my mental apartment, I've put off spring cleaning for far too long. I feel like it's time to do some heavy cleaning, but I also acknowledge that it'll take some energy and some mental fortitude to have to tell some friends that I'm kicking them out of my mental apartment unless they pay me rent.
Ah yes, what is rent in this analogy, you may ask.
To me, to occupy a room in my mental apartment... rent is positivity. It's understanding. It's respect. And it's mutual - I provide services and perks at my discretion (as manager of my own mental apartment) and whether my mental budget can allow for such perks. But I can also withhold if I'm not treated like an individual person with my own individual opinions, idiosyncrasies, mistakes, faults, shortcomings, etc. I'm not available 100% of the time - The front office is closed sometimes for maintenance and mental wellness seminars.
One of those weaknesses, I'll admit, is a hesitancy to tell someone they're being disrespectful or toxic to me.
I get that people have their own experiences in life that have directed them to their own personal opinions on how life works, but so have I. You don't get to invalidate anybody else's opinion or experience just because yours is different. Or, put another way... if you have that right, then so do I. You're not special in that regard. You don't get a free pass, not unless there's some authority you hold that says you can but the rest of us can't. (If you claim to have such authority, then you better believe I'll ask for proof of such authority. Oh, are you a medical professional? Okay then, [citation needed] please!)
And likewise, if I dislike something, then you better believe I have a right, if a means to communicate it exists (comments on an art post, for example), to say so. And so do you! Everybody does! It's called "freedom of expression" and it's not limited to artists being able to draw or make what they want (even if it's utter crap <-- EXAMPLE!). But in my mental apartment, I reserve the right to kick out anything I dislike, or want to, if I feel that it's an unacceptable detriment to the state of the apartment complex.
Which is why I had disabled and downsized my presence on social media and sites like Discord, FurAffinity, and Inkbunny. As much as I like so much of the art and interactions on those sites/services, I have to admit that a negative influence built up inside of me with relations to the art capabilities ("Damn I wish I could have more time to draw so I could work my way to drawing that well") or characters ("Damn I wish I had the money and means to commission art of that artist of my character with that character"), artists themselves ("Damn I wish this person were open for commissions so I could support them") or situations ("Damn I wish this person had open commission slots because I love their art style")... But often I get hung up on some financial struggle or five that I have to pay off first, but as soon as I do buy something for myself something bad happens and I need to stop and save up money to pay that off... OR I get told "your character is too complex, I won't draw it"... (like, what, you're not going to charge me extra? Not going to try to stretch your capabilities a little, to take on a challenge and possibly better yourself as an artist? fine, I guess I'll go... elsewhere) ... OR I am given promises and they never come to fruition (I'll admit I've had to cancel on projects, but geez at the very least I'll tell someone if I no longer feel I can do it! instead of just saying "oh yeah it'll be done in a few days!" and then it never happens) ...
That's all just talking about art.
Now, interpersonal interactions... I am no certified psychologist or expert, but I'll bend my ear to hear you if you need to vent. Moreso if you're a friend of mine and I care about you. But... if I do have a mental issue because something you say or do affects me, or brings up something I'm struggling to clean out of my mental apartment... Guess what? Unless you knew about it, unless I told you about it... IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT that something said or done brought those memories back! I have actual panic attacks for some things that I'm still working through, but that doesn't mean you're to blame for triggering such!
Unless, of course, you did know, and purposefully brought it up.
In which case, I'll immediately ask you to leave my mental apartment.
Now, this extends to things brought up in discussions, artwork, roleplay sessions, lifestyles, etc. I have to distract myself sometimes from the negativities of life, much like everyone else. But could we please agree that the positivity (or at least, the neutrality) needs to be mutually agreed upon? If you want to flaunt your relationship status at me, knowing that a specific kind of teasing is just going to get on my nerves, or make me jealous, or make me angry, then don't even bother. Just check yourself out of my mental apartment. Just do me that favor! If you want to roleplay some erotic situation involving... I dunno... pregnant lesbians or something? then you better ask me if I'm in the mood for it. I might be struggling with something you might not know about. Be courteous, alright? Is that too much to ask?
In any case, I'm going to be cleaning up some stuff in my online profiles. This means possibly removing myself from some watch lists, Discord servers, and platforms altogether. It can also mean removing some people from my friends lists, since I honestly want to downsize my mental apartment sizes anyway so I can build some mental gardens and cultivate some inner peace
Don't forget, though, that I do offer mental timeshares also. Things happen, and sometimes you want to take a break from things. And that's okay. I totally understand. Just be sure to reapply at the front office when you want to check back in, and I'll see about how much room I have.
If anybody reading this recognizes me from a community I was once part of, please feel free to share this journal link with that community. If there's somebody out there who can use the words, language, or analogy of the mental apartment to visualize, articulate, and explain their own circumstance to people mentally bullying them, then I would feel at peace knowing I helped someone somewhere. And if nobody else gets helped by this... well, at least I'll feel better knowing I was able to express myself as best as I could. So now, you gotta let me know...
Should I say or should I go?
Recent break
Posted 6 years agoTwo things came up that, combined, caused me to take a mental break from FurAffinity (maybe for the long term, who knows) and Inkbunny.
1. Due to seeing a bunch of great smut art that people have been posting, I guess it left an effect on me mentally. Lots of yearning and jealousy and desire for having the nice things shown in that smut art... I had to unwatch a bunch of people because I didn't want to be exposed to a lot of it at once.
So somebody messaged me angrily, asking me why I would unwatch them, like I was blaming them for doing something wrong in their art and unfriending them. I guess my explanation was not satisfactory to them, because they kept responding angrily to me.
2.Almost immediately afterward, I received news about my ex... Not good news (for me). Turns out that she's still actively spreading lies and rumors about me, and they're getting more outrageous, like that I had physically abused her and left permanent bruises (I'm not that kind of person), and that I was even fooling around with her sister-in-law. Rubbish. I haven't been physical with anyone since she left, like, 8 months ago (even longer before that).
Worst of all, I heard from friends about her social media activity, and they were asking me to identify some individuals in those pictures she was posting. Turns out, she had traveled to be with the guy she had cheated on me with... and stayed for a week, a week and a half or so.
I told them who he was, and... they all but confirmed for me that they consummated their treachery towards me with physical intimacy. Even after she vehemently refuted ever being "that type" of girl.
Bitches be hoes.
Anyways... If I start reducing my presence here, you'll know how well the recovery from this double-whammy is going. I apologize... but I have to look after my own well-being first.
If I have a comm reserved with you and you no longer have access to my reference sheets due to them being on FA, please send me a private message.
1. Due to seeing a bunch of great smut art that people have been posting, I guess it left an effect on me mentally. Lots of yearning and jealousy and desire for having the nice things shown in that smut art... I had to unwatch a bunch of people because I didn't want to be exposed to a lot of it at once.
So somebody messaged me angrily, asking me why I would unwatch them, like I was blaming them for doing something wrong in their art and unfriending them. I guess my explanation was not satisfactory to them, because they kept responding angrily to me.
2.Almost immediately afterward, I received news about my ex... Not good news (for me). Turns out that she's still actively spreading lies and rumors about me, and they're getting more outrageous, like that I had physically abused her and left permanent bruises (I'm not that kind of person), and that I was even fooling around with her sister-in-law. Rubbish. I haven't been physical with anyone since she left, like, 8 months ago (even longer before that).
Worst of all, I heard from friends about her social media activity, and they were asking me to identify some individuals in those pictures she was posting. Turns out, she had traveled to be with the guy she had cheated on me with... and stayed for a week, a week and a half or so.
I told them who he was, and... they all but confirmed for me that they consummated their treachery towards me with physical intimacy. Even after she vehemently refuted ever being "that type" of girl.
Bitches be hoes.
Anyways... If I start reducing my presence here, you'll know how well the recovery from this double-whammy is going. I apologize... but I have to look after my own well-being first.
If I have a comm reserved with you and you no longer have access to my reference sheets due to them being on FA, please send me a private message.
New year, who dis?
Posted 6 years agoTwo hours to go until it's 2020 in my timezone, but I'm already tired and going to head to bed soon.
Thing is, I look back very briefly at this past year... Too much turmoil. I hardly even feel like I was living in it. Just... 12 months that flew by, and I can barely remember what all happened in it.
Besides...
Well, 2020 can only be an improvement, some might say. I won't say it, though. I feel like if I do, I'd set myself up for a bigger crash-and-burn than I've had to suffer through this year. Which... I know I mentally, physically, and emotionally cannot take, not ever again.
I'm in too fragile of a state.
Y'all can celebrate. I'm just going to head to bed.
And stop wishing me any "happy" holiday. It doesn't work that way.
Thing is, I look back very briefly at this past year... Too much turmoil. I hardly even feel like I was living in it. Just... 12 months that flew by, and I can barely remember what all happened in it.
Besides...
Well, 2020 can only be an improvement, some might say. I won't say it, though. I feel like if I do, I'd set myself up for a bigger crash-and-burn than I've had to suffer through this year. Which... I know I mentally, physically, and emotionally cannot take, not ever again.
I'm in too fragile of a state.
Y'all can celebrate. I'm just going to head to bed.
And stop wishing me any "happy" holiday. It doesn't work that way.
No man is an isle...
Posted 6 years agoI feel so broken...
I try to find groups to interact with, as part of my process to pick myself up and heal and undo the damage that the bitch ex left on me... All I end up getting is reminders and teases of what I'm no longer able to enjoy, or barriers to feeling included, or this feeling of being "the other" in a group. And it always leads to me being upset and wanting to leave, and disassociating.
How can I talk with people and have fun if I'm just frequently upset and get put on the defensive, mentally?
It makes it hard to impossible to try to make new friends in anything that isn't just mindless porn or roleplaying or lewd talk...
And even then, if something happens that hits close to my own personal history, the memories flood back and I suddenly want to cut the conversation short and either go take a walk, go eat (RIP budget!),. or go sleep.
I don't know how to talk to girls anymore, not without either sounding like a creep, or like a broken man-child.
Talking to others in a gaming group, I have to bow out and say sorry that I don't own said game, or can even afford it.
Roleplaying just makes me bitter in the end, because dammit I'd rather act it all out IRL, not dream about the things I can't enjoy anymore.
Even having conversations at times... Being on a Discord server where a couple flirt out loud with each other in general chat, makes me mad.
I don't get it... I don't get it at all...
I try to find groups to interact with, as part of my process to pick myself up and heal and undo the damage that the bitch ex left on me... All I end up getting is reminders and teases of what I'm no longer able to enjoy, or barriers to feeling included, or this feeling of being "the other" in a group. And it always leads to me being upset and wanting to leave, and disassociating.
How can I talk with people and have fun if I'm just frequently upset and get put on the defensive, mentally?
It makes it hard to impossible to try to make new friends in anything that isn't just mindless porn or roleplaying or lewd talk...
And even then, if something happens that hits close to my own personal history, the memories flood back and I suddenly want to cut the conversation short and either go take a walk, go eat (RIP budget!),. or go sleep.
I don't know how to talk to girls anymore, not without either sounding like a creep, or like a broken man-child.
Talking to others in a gaming group, I have to bow out and say sorry that I don't own said game, or can even afford it.
Roleplaying just makes me bitter in the end, because dammit I'd rather act it all out IRL, not dream about the things I can't enjoy anymore.
Even having conversations at times... Being on a Discord server where a couple flirt out loud with each other in general chat, makes me mad.
I don't get it... I don't get it at all...
