I've been doing some songwriting on the side, mainly, I don't have anything audio wise, but I've been writing lyrics, if I post just the lyrics, would that fall under poetry? I know it sounds like a stupid question.

And I'm happy, but I have a question... So, the story I'm currently writing, has some superhero theme behind it, laced with my old paranormal detective narrative, it's going to be more story driven, or so I keep telling myself, I'm still not entirely certain how I'm handling it, but I've finished the prologue. But I'm worried, if I start posting it, I keep getting worried that I'll somehow embarrass myself, or that it won't be that interesting of a read... Cause I get that it's not just porn that exists on this site, but I feel like I would be out of place if I wasn't writing just smut... Am I just overthinking it?

Ruby being one of the characters I made, he was originally just supposed to be Caden's childhood best friend.

And as of a while back I obviously made them a relationship, but for what? I don't know.

I almost want to revert that change and just have them as friends again, see if I can't just get Caden an actual lover or something, but it's hard for me to say what that's going to look like. It would be hard for me to entrust another person with a sort of "character connection" like that because I've often had falling outs with people, and then I just have to retcon it all from my memory.

The poll I did a bit ago ended with people favouring a fantasy theme, so at the moment I'm writing a prologue for it that I will post to test the waters, before getting into the meat of it, I might be finished with that specifically today.

I got my new phone, so I have telegram back! Handle is back in my profile.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm in the furry fandom, trying to put all stereotypes aside is difficult when I see them sometimes. I just feel like I'm insignificant in comparison to other's around. I don't have a fursuit, not that it's a requirement, but I once met someone who said they didn't really want to chat with me unless I had one, I met this dude at a convention. I don't even go to conventions much, I mean to say before covid even happened I didn't really go, not like I had many friends to go see in the first place.

And... I can't even count on two hands how many furs I've seen talking about polyamory. Now listen, you're entitled to your preferences, and if it works for you, power to you, but I feel so out of place because out of all these people, I'm solely monogamous. And even if I've connected with someone who's 'monogamous' in the past, I've ended up with liars anyway. It just feels like I can't relate to others about these subjects because they'll start talking about polyamory and I just still wont understand, and even then some people who are doing it have a flawed understanding of it's meaning.

And then comes any sort of sex related talk, I can be shy unless I've warmed up to someone, I'm just not that openly sexual unless I know someone, so naturally, I'm rather reserved until I feel like I trust you to some extent, and synergy is visibly there... Cause like, as a writer, I also dabble in roleplaying a fair bit, but sometimes I'm scared that some people who approach me only approach me for that purpose, and then I really just start to lose myself. But I've seen so many people who are so openly sexual and it's not that I want to be like them, it's just.. This social barrier again.

It also feels like there's crushing expectations in certain ways, people that want to collab and get art, or they bring up the idea and it's like. I can barely even split on something sometimes because I only get nine hundred dollars A MONTH, it is so hard, to get any piece of art when I'm trying to focus on saving sometimes, I can manage to do it but only within reason. Not to bash anyone who gets art with others but it just feels like one, I'm somewhat left out of that because ninety percent of the time I can't, and even then, I also feel like I have to know the person well enough to even consider it, I have to know they wont turn around and say fuck you in the end. (Speaking from experience.)

I have no job, I'm barely dabbling with music and writing so I feel like I lack any form of really interesting traits. And to be honest I suck at making friends. Now, this isn't meant to seem like a whole self shame thing, I know to be proud of whatever it is I have and who I am. I know there are parts of me that I like without question, but it really crushes me when I keep encountering these barriers with people that make things harder for me.

Maybe it's just my luck, seeing so many kinds of people that are opposite of me in ways that I don't know how to handle and I just haven't been able to consistently find the right people, I know nothing's perfect, but I don't know.

Time for me to start posting art of my character Alexander, there's a few things I neglected to post in the past, not sure why, but this was before Alexander became Alexis... Still, I might as well start putting them up soon.

Happy new year and such, I've stopped procrastinating, finally posted a piece of writing to try and spark something for me, whatever that may be, but I'm hoping this year can start looking up... I'm trying to be optimistic anyway, after what happened last year, I'm certain I can only climb back up anyway.

It still hurts in a way, but I know I can move on, I've already started doing it faster than I originally thought, so I'm trying to get some things back into motion. For one, I'm starting to try and put some effort back into writing, I'm thinking what I'll do is post a chapter and see what kind of attention it gets, I'm sure it'll be rather hit or miss with what I have planned.

I have some art to post, if I can manage to get myself to, but I think I'll be taking a break from fa and any similar furry related communities like this, just because I'm working on getting myself back on track now that I've removed something toxic from my life.

Yup, it was my birthday on the 28th, there's still under half an hour left of it.

But I'd say I did pretty well, for living in a place where I don't have any like, physical friends.. I still have my family, and besides my family, outside of that I do what I can with the people I know by distance, especially in this pandemic.

I'd say that makes me happy enough~

Not that I'm going to do anything bad, I just mean, patience wise.

So, not going to name names, for reasons, but I had a stalker a while ago, who made accounts on fucking everything after I blocked him, telegram, discord, FA, F-list, trying to pretend to be different people as if I wouldn't know, and bothered me non stop, I took action respectively where I could, getting him banned, or just at least waiting everything out until the end. For a bit, I thought I had silence, then he shows up on my twitch while I'm streaming for a couple of days and at first I wasn't sure it was him, until I figured out that it was and had him banned. And finally, after that, silence, for maybe a month or two? All of a sudden he shows up again today. I thought I was done? Why is he fucking coming back? How can a human being be so fucking hung up over someone for so long? Is there just something not right in his head? Like there was a time where I even snapped and repeatedly told him to fuck off and to take a hint before blocking him again, so, clearly, there must be something wrong with him. What's fucked up is that right now he was trying to "apologize", for fucking what? Just leave me the hell alone, trying to seem like a nice guy by just wanting to apologize isn't going to take away from the times that you tried to disguise yourself like someone else just to try and talk to me when I was already done with dealing with your shit.

This is just me venting I guess, I'm just.. Appalled at how someone could be so stupidly stubborn.

I'm not sure if I'm keeping all the music I made on my FA, cause well, it's low quality stuff and I found out music isn't what I want to be posting here.. Instead, I'm trying to get writing done so I can eventually have something to post here that might be entertaining, I don't think I'll ever do story commissions to be honest, not because I want to be selfish, but.. I don't feel good about writing someone else's character, cause I can't fully grasp how they are since it wouldn't be my character, and then I'd have to rely on the person that owns it completely to like, I dunno, guide me. I say this and yet working on something alone is always pretty difficult anyway..

Either way, I've tried to motivate myself to finally get into my writing hobby a little more, since I know it's something I want to do passionately.

A little on the late side on my part, but it's here, I'm currently recovering from an incision near my tailbone, on top of having had pneumonia last month, everything kind of sucks, but it's okay now, a bit of a set back but my new years resolution is to do more for myself, be more active, hang out with my roommates more, and hopefully get some work in on this damn story.

I feel like I've sorted out more than enough for now, but I'm thinking of making and posting one chapter of the story I talked about working on to see what feedback I get, what do you say? Should I do it? Or should I just work on finishing a bunch of chapters and just start going at it as I go?

Okay, so I'm writing a story that I'm going to post on my FA in chapters, to give you a rundown, it's like a zombie apocalypse, but it's oversexualized, based off of a neural virus that attacks the brain, triggering sexual aggression and primitive behaviour, that's all I can really let out besides the fact that I'm using the last of us and left for dead for inspiration.

I need some help regarding ideas for special infected, if anyone can give me a good idea that I can use, go ahead and it will be appreciated. Here's the ideas I have so far.

1. A tank, it sounds simplistic, but it is something that should be used because it's well... Strong.

2, I haven't come up with a name for it yet, but I figured it could use the consistency of it's cum like glue, so it could stick people's limbs to walls or something if shot correctly.

PS. if anyone ever messages me asking if they could be a part of the story, I don't think I can comply to that request because I'm awkward about trying to write someone else's character, just because I feel like I'd butcher it.

You know, it's 2018, and I guess this is just a little rant or something, but... Everyone has this resolution, and I have it too, but for some reason depression always catches up, I could tell myself that this year I'm going to cast it aside but it's not that simple, all of my goals are just pushed to the side instead, everything I wanted to do, my body just refuses to do it, and I mean I know, it's depression, but I can't stand it anymore, I can make plans to go places like conventions, and I may have a good time, but the moment I come back home, to this depressing, quiet, small ass town, and this broken household, I always feel the same, and now I'm telling myself I need to get out, I need to find a place to move, all those memories, all of that can be left here, and I'll be somewhere new, thinking about where to go next because I've already done something, and then maybe I can finally break free, eh.

I lost someone, they didn't die or anything, it was more so along the lines of my actions pushing them away, until I sort of snapped and then shit ensued, still... I guess I have to keep pushing myself along through it.

I've lost my creativity, over a year and I can't even get started on this story, my music output has been nothing for a while, and I can barely even do something for myself, I don't mean to sound edgy, or angry, but, I'm just actually feeling terrible.

We need some light.
First of all, we need some light.
You can't sit here in the dark.
And all alone, it's a sorry sight.
It's just you and me.
We'll live, you'll see.

Night after night,
We'd sit and wait for the morning light.
But we've waited far too long,
For all that's wrong to be made right.

Day after day,
Wishing all our cares away.
Trying to fight the things we feel,
But some hurts never heal.
Some ghost are never gone,
But we go on,
We still go on.
And you find some way to survive
And you find out you don't have to be happy at all,
To be happy you're alive.

Day after day,
Give me clouds, and rain and gray.
Give me pain, if that's what's real.
It's the price we pay to feel.
The price of love is loss,
But still we pay.
We love anyway.

And when the night has finally gone.
And when we see the new day dawn.
We'll wonder how we wandered for so long, so blind.
The wasted world we thought we knew,
The light will make it look brand new.
So let it shine, shine, shine.

Day after day
We'll find the will to find our way.
Knowing that the darkest skies will someday see the sun.
When our long night is done,
There will be light.
There will be light.

When we open up our light.
Sons and daughters, husbands, wives.
Can fight that fight.
There will be light.
There will be light.
There will be light.
There will be light.

Sorry, kind of having one of those days, I had to post these.

I know what conventions I'm going to... What the Fur and Canfurence, I'm going to try to sing at one or both of them, simply because of the encouragement one of my friends gave me... I don't know how well that will go, but maybe it will kickstart something for me, I was so blind, photography is a big part of my life, but that doesn't mean I have to give up music, because that just means I can physically go somewhere to share music, I forgot that.

I had a ton of fun, took many pictures and videos and all that crap, I also got a badge, I'm gonna post that in a bit, I just need to you know, figure out what picture of it to use.

Is no one at furnal equinox? I at least want to meet one friendly person

I mean, wasn't I always depressed? Not really, I mean, the con is coming up in ten days, and I have to go, I can't not go, it's not that I'm forcing myself... I just don't know what to think right now because I just went through something terrible today, like... It blew my mind, and I don't know what to do anymore... I can't let it affect me too much, but I'm trying so hard to move forward...

Well... I can't post the details here, but I do need help, it's not the greatest situation, I'm getting worried about it especially because it's happening in February of all times.