I changed my text colors on my FA page! isnt it cool?

I cant write on this journal anymore without my like entire family reading it....... *sigh*
Is there like a way to make it so only my watchers can read my journals?

It seems like my medicine is wearing off, like its not doing as much anymore, I'm insane again. But have I learned anything? has anything changed?

I am Bi-polor and flip between being depressed or hyper and happy, doing crazy and mischievous things I wouldn't do in a normal or depressed mood. Such as wearing a skirt to school.

I did have medicine for these depressions and manic outbreaks, but I do not know if they are still working. I love being manic, but it gets me into trouble... such as buying panties and skirts at wal-mart... I get odd stares. Its only later that I think "that should have been embarrassing".

One thing never seems to change. My love for myself. I seem to get sad at the rest of the world



I got a new tablet pen by the way!

I'm 17 now. I kinda odd age to be. A lot of good things about it and a lot of bad things a about it. like I'm the oldest I can be without actually being an adult! The bad thing though is that people are going to pressure me to do things such as get a job and say that I need to be more adult, although my mom still isn't going to let me sleep over at my mates house or go to a convention.... its going to be rather annoying

I might get more attention in the furry fandom though... (ya right)

so yes! It was me and my sisters birthday. because we are twins. My sister got a laptop and I got 50$ and a trip to a card store and a corn maze.......

I am in a negative mood eh? sorry about that. Ill try and get more artwork up

I did actually cry a few times on my birthday. I'm not sure why? probably because I felt lonely and just over thinking things about life. Only two people said happy birthday to me without me telling them it was my birthday (which I never did) My mate and my ex-mate.

I'm sorry I couldn't think of anything good to say in this message.
I did get to see my brother though... that was good

So someone asked me what fap means and I showed them this

http://www.sciencedaily.com/release.....0729122336.htm

"The FAP is attached to the protein that is being studied, and the fluorogen is engineered to bind to the FAP. When the two meet, they cast off a glow that can be detected using a variety of methods, alerting researchers to the protein's location and activity. The FAP's fluorescence can be turned on and off by adding or removing the fluorogen, a characteristic that makes the fluoromodules more useful than other fluorescent proteins."

Chemistry homework... you teach me so much

I have a problem with my fursuit head o.o.
Its eyes fog, because they are made with a plastic thing with a net to look through..... Its caused a lot by me breathing slightly into the head which i think fogs the eyes (this is my guess...)
I tried to look for fursuit makers who used this design to ask them about it, but I couldnt find anyone. ((apperently its a dumb idea....)

so umm the picture of it is in my scraps. any suggestion?

So I went camping for 4 days and it rained twice Xp
but after being out in the wilderness for a few days, I just started thinking a lot. about what life should be like, and what I want to do in it, and I had a dream that combined all my recent thoughts and showed me what would make me happiest in life.
Because the world can't be perfect. But I can be many other things.
And I can work towards a possibility for myself.

It was a good dream...

I also want to write a book but I think I may be a little lazy for that.

In the past 4 peices of artwork iv uploaded i have gotten 0 comments.... huh? I mean? what?
*sad face*anyways, im going camping from sunday to thursday, so I wont be here....

Hey I'm lonely right now... anyone wanna talk to me?

I cant contact my mate is a big reason why im lonely, but really iv just been home alone all day

so I got my computer back... but my phone got stolen so I has no phone

my computer is broken so I cant get onto Fa very much, and while im on I cant upload art because Ill probably just be checking my Fa on someone else's computer...

I don't actually see a reason to post this as there aren't really many people to care if im gone but... just wanted to let FA know

be back and running sometime... i guess

This is me venting because I've been really depressed and pissed off in certain ways lately and Im starting to go crazy. you probably shouldn't read this

but its the weekend for antrocon. sadly though, this has been a fact that has made me very depressed. I've cried at least 6 times already and its not even the weekend yet.
The strange thing though is I have bipolar disorder, and it would seem as though when I get really sad, in a couple of hours I will end up becoming extremely happy. This has caused me to cycle through emotions in a strange way that seems to feel crazy and out of control, and although I feel happy at those times, I have no reason to be really happy and it feels uncomfortable.
now before you suddenly think im actually this upset about not going to anthrocon, its not just that. Im not going to anthrocon because my family hates furries. Like all of my family, which is 4 other people. Which really makes me feel outcast. They often talk down on me for it. My mom says that she loves me, though she barely likes anything I do.
Anthrocon coming up besides feeling sad about missing it, makes me feel sad because I think of how lowly I am in my family, my family in which a four year degree in collage is about the minimum standard.

I've been trying to keep my mind of it though so I don't feel so bad. Its hard though because none of my friends are able to hang out with me, primarily because either all my friends are online, or not completly my friends and thus mainly my brothers friends who I hang out with
My friends that I do have personally are all busy. With jobs in such

Which I have been kinda trying to get a job, although i think ive failed. Its too late in the summer and the economy is bad.

My brother went to a week long pagan festival in Missouri. Missouri which is about as far as Pittsburgh. My brother called my dad and I overheard my brother said the pagan society feels like family to him
and my dad said he can accept him for being pagan, which made me cry pretty bad because...I wish my dad loved me for being a furry.
furries in which feel kinda like family

So ive been here at my house for the past 3 or so days, just thinking to myself. Its really gotten me a feeling of hopelessness and being crazy.
I think my family's goal in making me feel like a bad person is starting to work.
everything I am, which is largely furry now im starting to feel bad about.
I want to love my furry self though, it brings me great joy and i feel its who i am, and im sure I wont give it up, I just wish it was easier to love myself for it.
AC is like a home to me. Where people love me for who I am. I wish I could have been there this year.

I think I realize why I like music so much...

Every day I think to myself so much, such intense complex thoughts about life, psychology and patterns and meanings in life. Despite all these thoughts, the mind that thinks around all these complex thoughts watches my life without these advices run away.

...Its music that gives my mind focus, It lets me concentrate my thoughts a little and in a way numb myself from all these mixed thoughts and think about music and creativity, and I stop thinking about everything all at once, and I think a little about myself, and what I can do

its difficult to think about the whole world at once.
music is my escape I guess.

Im starting to have fun with art again ^-^ meaning im probably gonna get a lot more art done for Fa

And also

AT LAST, MY arm is complete again! (I found my tablet pen ^-^)

I am opening myself for commissions now! for the first time .
The thing is that my mom doesn't like furries and she doesn't think that I can make any money off of it. So within the next month I am going to try to make 100$ in commissions. although with my severe lack of popularity in the furry fandom, i'm not sure how possible this is, but I certainly will try my hardest to achieve this goal.
So it would be nice if anyone who reads this could spread the word about it... maybe, please?
So here is my Idea of the prices of my commissioning

I will draw anything for 10$ This means with color, background, multiple characters ect.
after that you can get cheaper and cheaper depending on how simple it is (I can draw any character feral or Anthro))
Character bust sketch (1$)(no color)
I will draw a one character sketch for 2$ (no color)
add one character (1.50$)add two characters (2.50$) three (3.75)
Add background (such as characters in a room or near trees, anything) (2$)
add color (3$)
for yiffy add (1.50$)
for complicated actions or poses add (1$)
(complicated yiffy scenes would be 2.50$)
I try to be a creative artist so I will try to give it a extra interesting creative touch for (1$). look at my gallery and you may find what that means.
I can color in colored pencil or photoshop or oil pastel. although pastel will have a messy look to it that some find artistic and fun. though it doesn't look accurate.I can draw any character with most facial expressions. I can draw clothes too though im not fantastic at it yet
Feel free to haggle any way you want on this o.o

Specials.
artistic colored bust colored (3$)
Colored yiffy solo character. Light background. (6$)
Two characters kissing bust sketch (no color. 2$) (with color 3.50$)

As said before, I can draw any combination of anything, or all of the options for 10$)

well i dont know how it happened but it looks like i'm back to zero again. by that i mean that i dont have any popularity in the fandom. At one point i think i had a little bit, A very small percent of furs would atleast say they kind of recognize my name. But for some reason i think iv been slacking in some sort of way and now im back to just having my now ex-girlfriend kat comment on my page along with maybe one of five other furs who might comment on something.
I am not going to be all to sad though, Ill get somewhere someday, maybe if i focus on working and stop focusing on being known within the fandom

anyways, iv been sick a lot recently... dont really know why... it might be the snails i ate...
iv also been a bit moody... might be my medicine... though i think im a little less depressed

The high school i go to is in the news!
or atleast it was at a national level a while ago. Its the lumpkin county high school story about the four kids dressing up as KKK members for a history project. They walked by the lunchroom.
heh I was in the lunchroom when it happened. (it really wasn't that serious to be truthful)

wow! im so popular in the furry fandom! I post like one of the most detailed pictures iv ever drawn and I get 1 comment from my ex-girlfriend (thank you kat)
it must be because iv been a furry for so long that im this popular (about two years) I get like 0-1 people saying anything to me per day... iv gone to four furry conventions, which is probably why u have all my 50 watchers. most of which don't comment... you guys really motivate me to keep doing art...
I cant imagine how many people are gonna comment on this journal -_- im gonna get swamped, having to read all my comments.

anyways.... sorry for complaining, I just kinda wish i was at least a little bit known in the furry fandom...

ye! my mate made me a flower out of paper today ^-^ it made me really happy. I love him. I need to draw him more stuff....

Anyways, I'm not going to anthrocon this year, makes me sad. My entire family just really hates furries. I even offered to get a job if they let me go, but my mom said no. I offered a lot but I guess my family just hates furries that much. Which hurts me because its what I love.
I guess I cant be too surprised, not many parents would accept something like that, and i guess my parents aren't any different. So i guess I'm just going to have learn to ignore their opinion on it so that I don't feel sad about it so much.

Also school is really stressful. I can easily pass the classes but the hard thing is getting a B average. If i get a B average then i get a hope scholarship which completely pays for collage. so far in the classes that count for it, i have gotten 1 A 5 Bs and 2 Cs which gives me a C average. Its so hard to get an A, Its like trying to be perfect *sad face*

also my comic isnt going well

but i still love art, although iv been really lazy doing a lot of it recently

so im trying to making a comic now ^-^ (i hope) if you want to check it out go to the username  perfectly-flawed

todays been an interesting day. I think iv uploaded 4 peices of art, Two of which i did late into the night because i cant get to sleep. its so weird, im just not tired

also our refrigerator broke.... i almost drank chunky milk this morning XP

Im also flammable now, spilled a little gasoline on myself because i was trying to fill a gas can which i have never done before and i accidently sprayed it everywere... heh ^-^

I feel dizzy now XP

awl night

iv been on so much medicine recently... I feel so weird inside, and confused, and defiantly unmotivated. Just kinda dull. I'm doing weirder and weirder things now because i just don't see any reason not to anymore. its becoming easy to lie.
I just wish i could go back to feeling normal again.

I used to get really happy at times and then sometimes really sad... now i dont know what i feel.

so umm random journal. I saw how to train your dragon O.O It was really cute ^-^ yay for black dragon thing!

also my mate has been really lazy lately, its starting to get on my nerves.... -_-

also im going to Florida tomorrow to go to beach.

also I am being lazy at doing artwork online and uploading and stuff.

Also i think I might start letting people commission for me... good idea? yes, no? It would be relatively cheap. Like 6$ for full character commission. color
8$ for illustration of any sort with background. 4$ for avatar commission
2$ for quick uncolored sketch of pretty much anything you want... so ya... i might make that more official and you can commission me now if you want i guess
look in my scrap gallery, i guess ill post some idea things

also yes

also FWA was really fun! I got a new tail! and im starting to miss furries in real life again...

also thats all

So this is just a quick version of my last journal with a little bit of added information.
I just got back from FWA. My mom took me because she wanted to see what it was all about... it didn't go too well, she pretty much just hates the whole idea.
So its official now, no one in my family in any way supports me being a furry. Which means Im almost sure that im not going to any conventions or furmeets for the next 2 years. *sigh* Im really going to miss seeing you guys at conventions and stuff, I had a lot of fun, 4 conventions. I loved Pittsburgh and the nice drive up there. Meh, ill be back one day though eh?

so i guess the next couple of years are gonna be a bit awkward at my house. Its odd having that disapproving feeling around my house. I guess ill learn to deal with it. I still love being furry though. Maybe when i finally get out to a convention again my art will actually be worth something, eh?

For now, I guess im just caged in at home. *sad face*

There are a lot of people in the world and with a lot of people comes a lot of information. Everyone finding something that they think is the best way for them to live. Sometimes people harm other people to try and force their ideas onto people, and other times people do not care what others are doing as long as they are not hindered from their way of life, and some people just go with the flow.
I can't tell you whats right or whats wrong. Personally I believe that everyone is right as long as they do not try and conflict with other people who do not want conflict. meaning people should be able to believe what they want as long as they do not harm another group.
I am in a group, a way of life. may be a bit different then what a large portion of the worlds population accepts but still its what I like.
Its a group called Furries. ya, you prolly know about them, as this is a furry website.
For I think a first time though, I think ill admit I like all of it. meh, most of it.
Here ill write here what I like truthfully.
I like the drawing. In fact this is what started me into the fandom drawing wolves. I like drawing these Animal people hybrids in place of humans. I like drawing them in normal situations as well as sexual situations. I like the fursuiters and their adorable costumes. I like to hug them and pretend im hugging a real furry. I think its kinda funny those of whom have sex in these costumes. I can imagine its a bit kinky eh? I like the open minded environment were i can talk about having a boyfriend to about any furry and not have to worry about being hated. I like the people who are never too prideful to play a childrens game for fun, no matter how old they are. I like cute things which a lot of furry artwork is, including both yiff and non-yiff. I like the talent, I like to see the professional artists that draw furries, yiffy and non-yiffy and i like to read the comics. I like wagging tails. i like tails and ears. I like the funny names people make for themselves. I like being part of a small group such as this. I like the conventions and the little sleep. I like the hugs. I like sharing my dancing and artwork with the other furries. I like it how everyone acts to an extant like an animal. It makes them interesting to talk to. I like watching people who are not furries react to first seeing furries. I like the endless imagination of the fandom. I like meeting ever so interesting people and hear their stories and hearing them explain things about their certain fursona animal. I like the feeling of friendliness and love and acceptance. Probably left a lot of things out but there is so much I like about the fandom, yiffy and non-yiffy.
I like being a furry.
My family does not like furries though. I think They perceive it as a sex based fandom of losers with no coping skills who like animals sexually. (which some may be, but in my perception, not a large portion of them) This makes me a bit sad. I think that for the most part furries want animals to be happy and only a small portion of them actually have sex with animals. (which I wont go into right now, all im going to say is i personally am ok with it as long as the animal isnt hurt, forced or female)
For a while now iv been really trying hard to get my family to like furries because they are my family and I want them to support me. it makes me feel bad when they insult the fandom.
I just went to FWA and my mom the next day, insulted them pretty bad, and I cried actually because i feel as if i have absolutely no support in it now, she says she is not taking me to any more conventions and she wants me to do other things. And I guess that is why I am writing this journal. to say I am moving past that. to say I am moving forward. I spend so much of my time caring about whether or not my family likes furries and i still want them to. But I am going to be my own person now. My family can either choose to insult me or support me in being who i am. But iv decided that I am going to be happy. I am going to love myself and I am going to try to become an artist, maybe even as a side job. I went to FWA and i felt inspired and motivated to continue trying. I got new ideas for art, motivated to dance more and to try harder for a scholarship in art such as the "HOPE" scholarship. I felt happy and hopeful. some may not understand it, but i thinks its my way of life and i guess i can understand people that hate me for it, that just the way people are, although the insults are still going to hurt me a bit, I am going to move forward like I believe most furries and other "odd" groups of people do. I am going to try not to let the insults hurt me. I am going to be who a perceive myself to be, a compassionate, friendly, open minded, artistic, smart, moderately yiffy, Furfag...

...And I am going to love myself.